Love bombing is an explosion of contact.
It’s how the life-jack happens.
How do we stop them from getting inside our lives.
Love bombing is the first tool sociopaths pull from the identical tool-kit they each come with. They’re all alike and yet, they each think they’re unique and über special.
Sociopaths are special for sure, special cases of wrong-doing, life-ruining parasites. Every love bombing destroyer starts things off the same way. And it seems like heaven. Things rapidly – or maybe slowly – take a pitch for the worse. All these rides into hell follow the same five stages.
It all begins the first millisecond a sociopath makes contact with a person. Any person.
At each new encounter, the predatory sociopath looks into the crowd with one thought: which person can I hook.
This is the first point: they can’t not do this. They’re also really lazy and like to do a little as possible in order to get whatever they want.
They do give a scan around the room for who might be (from their point of view) the easiest to draw into their web.
However, not one bit of this “assessment” covers or considers whether someone is stupid or “codependent” or or low on self-esteem or not. They’re looking for whoever it is that finds them cute. Th person who stays in the conversation, and responds when they say something. Contact.
The fact is, every single amazing, normal-human one of us can be scammed. Every one. Even the cynic. No one is exempt. It’s really a matter of the prey’s life circumstances…not a position in life or economic, but more profound things.
What would it mean to get your life back?
This Isn’t a Love Match
Our humanity is what sociopaths take advantage of. Sociopaths – or that “narcissist” are looking for good people . People who are first of all easy to access. Then beyond that anyone is viable possible prey. In order to support their revolution lives they do well with people who are open, secure, up for an adventure, looking for something new in their lives, ready to make changes, are optimistic, and have had loss, understand grief, are forgiving, loving, and believe in second chances, believe in love, and invest in and treasure friendships and relationships. – Nice people. Good people. It’s your natural human goodness that they twist to hold up their lives.
Unseen conditions come into the equation: timing, our state of mind, emotional awareness, our self-perception, our internal life condition, our mood, and deep inner-realm-things in the moment of meeting a sociopath.
And more than anything, it matters greatly if we’re attracted to them or not. If we aren’t they overlook us. To be clear, there’s nothing wrong with a person who’s scammed but there’s everything wrong with a sociopath. We are not weak or stupid. We’re human. They are the opposite on all counts.
Breaking Up With Evil
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Love Bombing is Contact: Everything Depends on Contact
When a love-bombing sociopath meets a new person they shiver in excitement – it makes them seem so energetic and charming. It takes the right (wrong) combo of things going on in our lives and most importantly, we need to think they’re kinda cute. In some cases, we don’t think they’re cute instead, they keep at us with contact until we cave.
The initial moment of contact is everything. And the contact keeps the hook in. Sociopaths look for normal human, good-hearted people.
Sociopaths are monsters. (Even when you call them a “narcissist”.) They want you to trust them so they can use you and take from you. It’s not that any one of us is particularly special, or specifically any one thing or another… this is what they attempt to do to any and every human they can draw in. They lie and scam and take from anyone and everyone. Their scamming-ground covers love, business, the religious realm, absolutely in every arena and in every moment of every day, everywhere they go.
Realize what we’re up against: a being with an entirely different brain than ours. They do not think like we do, as in literally they do not think in the same way we do. They have their own interpretation and perspective and awareness that does not include anything we understand as normal. They don’t experience any human interaction in the way we do. Fortunately, their love-bombing technique can be easily diffused.
How to Disarm a Love Bombing Sociopath
Go old-school, old-fashioned dating rules with a contemporary touch-up. You might not like this. But – it’s a sure-hit way to diffuse a love-bombing sociopath.
1) Limit Texting to Logistics: “I’ll Be There in Five”
Limiting text time side-steps the false feeling of deepening a relationship. Relationships don’t develop in Whatsapp messages, Snapchat, or cell phone chat. Relationships happen through spending time together – over an extended time – as in calendar time, not over three days of hours and hours of texting back and forth.
Our dreamy interpretations of their flirty texts are a danger zone. Texting is a trap sociopaths hope we fall into. We easily believe there’s a whole lot going on between us with zero effort on their part therefore, texting puts us right where they want us. Texting doesn’t make a relationship under even the very best of circumstances.
Be aware, that text that we think is for us alone is likely for about five or six other targets at the same time. – Yes. Many all at once, always.
- Use texts for simple communication only. Such as, I’m running late. Or, the address is 639 Wonderland Drive. Parking on the side street
- Use phone calls – from him – to let him ask you out. Yep. – Do not call him. Later, call him one time to every three or four times he calls you
- Skip the trend or tendency to use phone time as “a date”. Three-hour conversations are bait-and-hook marathons for predators. It builds false bonds
- Long phone odysseys, even with someone normal are merely imagined bonding. When limited to phone-contact-only under normal circumstances it leads to break-downs and break-ups
2) One Date Per Week Per Person: Without Protracted Phone Calls or Messaging – Which is Contact – in Between
Limit dating time. Sociopaths move fast. Toxic people, predators, narcissists, sociopaths (all the same thing), want the romance to swell into a crescendo of “deep commitment” and very often, cohabitation within one to four weeks.
In order to get the keys to our pad, they need to see us often, alone, and maintain heavy contact. Say, “no” to daily contact. – Have other things to do. Override that yearning weird feeling towards them if that’s stirring in your gut. (That’s the hook, the instant coercive control.)
Make your own life the center of your attention. Please don’t fall into the popular disingenuousness of “...we’re just hanging out.” With a normal human, that’ snot good enough and with one of these pathological users, they are never just “hanging out”… They’re working on hooking prey every single moment. – They aren’t in the room, on the phone or in the chat for the reason we are.
3) Date in Groups and Be Active: Later, When Gatherings 100% are Safe
Sound nuts…? Wait until this guy or gal turns out to be a sociopath, then nuts will take on actual meaning. Here’s the thing… Why in the world – really – would we ever go out in the evening to dinner, a movie – a walk on a deserted beach – with … a stranger??
I know. I know. It’s done all the time, it seems okay… It’s normal. Americans meet online, or in a bar or at a party and easily exchange numbers, information and go on a date – alone – together – solo. It is a part of our culture. But – why…?!
Dating in the U.S. used to be about spending time in groups, and still is in France or Italy, Brazil, Argentina, Spain, Denmark. In these cultures, each person is known quite well by at least two or three others in the group. Even then it takes time – time spent with the group – before anyone would consider a solo, alone-time date.
- Sociopaths need privacy. Sociopaths separate us from the group. From family. From friends. If we only go for group dates, a sociopath will bail by date three. Isolation is key to a sociopath’s success at hooking targets.
- So, get a group of your friends – go bowling, hiking, to art walks, free concerts, day time fun things that reveal people’s true character and personality through group interaction. A sociopath can’t hold up as a real functioning person in a group, because they aren’t.
- Ask friends what they think of him. Take their answers to heart. Trust friends.
And another point about when you are in company… refrain from pouring out lots of personal information. When you’re meeting someone new, hold off on telling them your life story, even if they prompt you to. Instead, talk about other things.
Telling the story of your childhood or past relationships – especially hard ones – isn’t a way to court or woo or a get-to-know-you method, these personal things are potentially shared when you already know someone quite well.
4) Online Research: Who is This Guy We’re Dating?
Aside from a background check which can be inaccurate, I’m talking about your own home-done sleuthing.
What is this guy’s name? Who are his friends? Look through their Facebook pages objectively. Google him. Verify any posting related to him; trace its origin because every sociopath plants “a good reputation” and “super achievements” online.
Special Rule Number 5 to Detect a Love Bombing Sociopath
5) The Eyes Give Away a Sociopath
Sociopaths are shape-shifters. Truly, the faces of predators change as their “success” with prey goes through ups and downs, and because of this we can spot them.
Sociopaths have a top-of-the-world-charmer-face used for meeting and greeting. They have a suspicious face that falls in place when they think they might lose prey. On the other hand, when things are going well, a cunning-victory face makes them seem “happy” to see us.
Later, after things bottom out, they’ve got that scary I-will-get-you-face and even a creature-in-hell-face takes over when their world of lies unravels. By the way, these are their real faces.
- There are good reasons to take a page out of tips on dating: It’s Just a F***ing Date, by Greg Behrendt.
We will not be scammed. We, my friends, will thrive! They’re a zombie-empty-shell of made-up stories and lies. We are real. And we can be who we want to be – sociopath free!!
Here’s to REAL True Love and Happiness!
Time to Thrive!
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Got a friend that is on the hook. 6 weeks to marriage proposal, 12 to accept and now working on having a kid 3 months in. I have done all I can do. Time to step back and hope I am wrong. Awful and painful to watch.
Hideous and incredibly painful to watch. Unfortunately when we’re hooked in other’s opinions of them mean little. Stay close by her. Stay neutral around the sociopath – behave as if you see nothing wrong with him or he’ll shut you out of her life 100%. – Be prepared for the sociopath to isolate her from you and everyone else to some degree regardless. Stand by with this website and my email for her to book recovery sessions.
Thank you!
The photo hint is spot on. Sociopaths have the ability to make you feel extremely different emotions based upon their presentation in pictures alone. This is because they are seasoned actors and do not feel embarrassment. They may openly and oddly project horror, shame, glee, pride, excitement and sadness in selfies, taking you on a ride of feelings before you’ve even met in person! This is a massive red flag. Their motive is to hook you emotionally and make you feel intimately connected to them without substance. Since emotionally healthy people do not share a wide range of emotions like this with strangers, men especially, you are led to believe that the sociopath is sharing private moments with you and you feel bonded to them. Additionally, their multitude of faces come complete with tragic or fantastical stories to rope you further. Some will be true enough for good measure. The randomly creepy photos, the truly psychotic looking ones may be so bizarre and disharmonious with their otherwise warm faces/smiles that you may be inclined to deny them out of shock or confusion. Do not. At best, your potential partner has another untreated mental illness that is likely to get out of hand very soon. My sociopath would take photos of himself in the midst of tragedies, like funerals, crises, etc….and entitle them things like “The face of a deeply hurt man” or “Here I am, sad” before sending them to me (and whomever else!). He also changed his profile photo on social media to elicit all manner of responses from his “audience”. He once told me, giddy, that he posted a series of bizarre photos to Facebook and was flooded with messages of alarm and concern. They really enjoy getting people aroused in any way possible.
Thanks very much… And yes they think they’re great actors (they aren’t) it’s that we’re normal humans who didn’t know monsters existed. We filter and interpret through our great, natural human goodness and experience until it doesn’t make any kind of normal sense and we can’t recognize what’s wrong because: we didn’t know monsters existed. Please be careful about referring to the sociopath who hijacked you as “my sociopath” – are they “yours”? – I favor things like, “The nut job who invaded”, “the dirt bag who infiltrated”, the scum bucket who hijacked” my life… I find it very important to break all connections even in this way. To sever and break any ties to them we completely objectify them in the same way we would if someone broke into our home, we wouldn’t likely call them “my burglar”. – Once again our great goodness and civility lead us to say “my sociopath” – they don’t deserve any drop of our goodness or civility.
Great appreciation. really many thankyous. I for one has benefitted from this.
What a great informative article. I related a lot to this. So many signs I should of taken more notice of in the beginning of our relationship and things I could of done from preventing it from getting so far. But hey! We live and learn… 4 years down the road and with a daughter, I’m finally starting to feel some peace in my mind. Thanks for such an informative piece.
Zoe 🙂 x
There’s nothing you could or should have done differently! So glad you’re away and safe.
I really love this article. I really want to share it.
Great insight!
https://t.co/PPxUELZb3L https://t.co/mDqXkNDfCX
Mine love-bombed his next “victim” he had already scooped up 2 weeks after our split (we dated over a year) Oh wait, or maybe he already HAD her?? Hmmm…he love-bombed her in the exact same manner he did me. He does a thing with *secret admirer flowers* – I was sent a bouquet to work, and that’s what hooked me. I mean, who doesn’t like flowers? Then came the “let’s go on a vacation” (we never did) and the cute nicknames…he pulled the flower stunt on her (I found it on Social Media and called him out on it. He was SPEECHLESS)…that caused me to check her SM constantly and he did the whole vacation lie on her too…gave her a nickname *I thought* he only gave to me “babehhcakes” grosss it is all so gross how they live a LIE!
Hi Dana! – Yep it is gross. They do live a lie. 100%. And yes… they have MANY targets and victims in the hopper at the same time always and use the same little tricks on each one with slight variations depending on their goal with that person.
More amazing observations you’ve made. Face-changing, especially. I used to see his eyes turn to shark-eyes, ice cold, with red appearing on the bottom eyelid as if some sort of Satanic embodiment was taking place when things weren’t going his way. These “entities” are a strange breed unto themselves. Wonder what would happen if all of them were relegated to an island and could not escape each other’s manipulations.
Exactly. They are pure unrelenting evil. That’s why it’s important we see through them. Once we see what really happened – they have no power. Not believing their lies and straightforward calling them out in essence takes away their existence. I have read of cultures who executed sociopaths immediately upon discovery.. Not PC to advocate… however – kind of a dream scenario when you’ve been hijacked by one.
LOL! I remember calling this d**** bag I was involved with on a number of little indiscretions, and his very theatrical Sarah Bernhardt-esque reply was always, “Why are you TORMENTING ME!?????” He could have sold tickets for his performance. In retrospect, I don’t know how I tolerated his little piques for so long – I really must have been bored. A a matter of fact, I was really bored. I guess I would advocate people who are or about to get involved with these jerks, to find a purposeful outlet of some kind, be it a hobby or a worthwhile endeavor. Working with elderly or at a food bank certainly puts a great perspective on how USELESS these POS are. *They* certainly are not worth anyone’s time. Thanks for the great blog! Best ever.
OooOooHHOHHhhhhh!! The hilarious Dramas they present. They are laughable.
Best article I’ve read on sociopaths. Really got to the core, especially the part about them being so paradoxical: Disarming/.charming, yet boring as hell……no one yet has made this connection from all i have read. It is absolutely true….Thanks!
So glad to hear! You’re so welcome. I determined to turn my experience with a sociopath into something of value and it’s great to know when my efforts it hit the mark. : )
Sociopaths can be women as well, please remember that.
Oh, yes, Will! – And to all the male readers after true love scam: Rest assured we all know quite well sociopaths can be female too. There are several mentions of sociopaths being female on this site – 2 on the home page for starters.
– In society the possibility of a female sociopath is less expected. For one: because the reality of any gender of sociopath is truly coming to public awareness only for the first time NOW – and – another – because of the social assumptions about women and femininity. – There are many assumptions about females specifically throughout history, that typically held women back, for example back in the day it used to be considered out of the realm of possibility that an oh so fragile and delicate and inferior woman could benefit from physical exercise, in fact it was believed it would harm her. – Imagine. — And now as even historically, some assumptions about females allowed for some not so nice behavior to go unnoticed.
The admin and author of most sociopath support pages are female – there is one Facebook page run by a male who was scammed by a female sociopath: After Narcissistic Abuse there is Light and Love. Here’s a book that is about unmasking female sociopaths called “When Evil is a Pretty Face: http://amzn.to/1VBAgIB
Otherwise in these instances, please substitute “he” for “she”, etc. All sociopaths are identical and predictable. The only real difference is that female sociopaths try not to have children – unless there’s the meal ticket of alimony involved. In specific – hang onto your hat – Sociopaths have no gender: Sociopaths Sexual Boundaries. https://www.truelovescam.com/sociopaths-sexual-boundaries/
Btw: Since the beginning of time women have been replacing as they read the pronoun “he” for “she” since all throughout the history of the written word, when writing in generalities, or in reference to both genders the popular usage is: “he”, or “his”, or “him”. – As we’ve made this swap all these centuries, we have confidence that all our male readers can as well! – Targets of sociopaths are not stupid as some people think, but in fact, quite awesome – no one robs an empty house! – You are Awesome!
Good idea about the pics and covering parts of them up. You can see the smirk in one half of my exes face and it is creepy.
Yes! It’s worked every time I try it with photos… I don’t know if it’s a “thing” but, I originally did it loooong ago just with photos of people and I’d notice one eye looked like how they felt about their internal life – themselves in the word — and the other eye looked as if it was looking outward – revealing who they felt about the world and the future. hope, sad, fear, mad, etc… Then naturally it was something I did trying to decipher and recognize a sociopath — wow the results are amazing.
To Jennifer Smith: Very very observant and perceptive of you. Good call…….eyes are truly the window to the soul.
Wow! That’s so great to hear. It really is something I just “made up” – so to speak – just something that stood out to me one day — it works for me.
This was a great article and you are a very good writer. Nailed it. My experience was not with a boyfriend but with a “friend”/business partner – they are mentally ill and have bad souls. They are evil and they can’t help it. It’s tortuous both ways – horrible illness.
Thank you! I enjoy writing – who knew I’d end up writing about this!! : ) They are absolute evil. And they love who they are. It isn’t an illness by any stretch of the imagination. They’re born with an abnormal brain. They have what would be considered a primitive reptile brain. The part of the brain that registers love, like, care, concern, compassion doesn’t function. It just isn’t there – completely inactive. So – yes – indeed they are monsters. They CAN “help it”. They know exactly what they’re doing. They LOVE doing what they do to others.