Jennifer Smith

A Bit of My Story

In the spring of 2012, on a sun-shiny Los Angeles Tuesday, I was married in a private residence in Beverly Hills. Little did I know that in truth, this was the day I became legally entwined with a wanted fugitive; on the run from authorities in six different countries – wanted for fraud and other felonies – and hiding from abandoned wives, finances, partners, children and others in countless cities around the globe.

I’d been sucked in by the hypnotic and invisible influence of coercive control into the vortex of the surreal world of a sociopath. What many people call a “narcissist”.

These demon creatures come across to their prey as amazing. Often as incredibly accomplished people. Bringing with them gigantic promise in what seems to be the missing piece of your life that finally falls into place. They are none of this. They aren’t in the room with us or on the planet for the same reasons that we are.

This collision of their deceptive purpose and our pure heart is a toxic mix of their malevolent self-interest in disguise and our genuine intention in good faith. The deceiver knows what’s happening. We, as their targeted prey do not.

As they hide their intent, we see the world and the moment we meet them through our great goodness. In the end, when their mask clatters to the floor and their house of cards life falls apart, this great goodness – the fiber of what we intrinsically are – is our saving grace.

Great Goodness in Good Faith

We dubbed the day we got married, “Happy Tuesday”. Then ten months later, on the day I kicked him out, knowing that if he wanted to – he could kill me – I promised myself that this madness would still be the best thing I’d ever done. Vowing to turn this hell, torment and terror into a meaningful victory.

After I kicked the nut-bag out, I was informed by a psychologist that he exhibited the characteristics of a sociopath, a psychopath.

Many people call the kind of person who pursued and married me with ill intent a “narcissist”. Unfortunately, some interpretations of a “narc” or “narcissist” can hinder understanding what these creatures are. Misconstrue the dynamics of predator and prey and prolong or block a full recovery. But then… we all start our healing and recovery from wherever we are in this. And wherever that is, is a start.

Whatever we might call them, these inhuman-humans for all their initial charisma, attraction, draw, promise, beauty, polish, and charm… These are people who live in a different world than we do, though right here among, and alongside us.

Based on a psychologist friend who let me know I’d married a “sociopath, a psychopath, an antisocial psychopath…” I searched online for more information, but found next to nothing. This great lack of real information inspired me to start talking, to write, and to take recovery, and awareness of this as far as it could go. I write plainly, directly, and clearly about these dependent and parasitic monsters and their range of effect on us from fatal danger to utter ridiculousness.

In writing my website, the podcast, and other articles and books, all the related social media, I use a pen name, Jennifer Smith. This name is meant to represent any and every single one of us gorgeously human, normal people, who might find ourselves entrapped in this very abnormal quagmire.

We Met and Married In Seven Days…for Ten Months

It started as compatibility like I’d never known. Introduced by a friend and told his home base was Europe, though he was born in Africa, he was sweet, humble. His interests and his work dovetailed with mine. It looked like I’d found all the things I’d ever wanted at any point in my life and more on every tip; things I’d not thought about as having in one place, in one person, and at one time all came together. I thought, why not…?

I’d had hardship and grief in my life. I’d been married, and divorced. Later my (normal human) ex-husband was killed. A sudden horrific likely premeditated homicide that to this day is unrecognized by the legal system. Given so many things I’d experienced, I felt I knew enough about life to know this opportunity at a marriage could work, and that this was an adventure I’d paid my dues for.

So… we set out to be married. There was a lot to do. Filing for marriage certificates, getting documents from his country, and translations. He needed a U.S. green card and all that entailed. A project he’d come here to finish needed doing. He had more things he wanted to undertake, and all of this meant me running errands, making purchases, researching, appointments, interviewing… and on and on.

Promise Turns to S*it

Then, married for only ten months, the day arrived that the excitement had ramped into more than a long to-do list and challenges but complete chaos. After months of trying to untangle the increasing confusion and the sense that things were going nowhere despite my efforts… a feeling of something I couldn’t put my finger on, I landed on intense fear, mind-bending fear of whatever this… this weirdness that I was living was. I was in something I’d never seen, known, or heard of before. – I had to know the unknown.

Stepping into uncovering whatever this was, I engaged my Buddhist practice, I prayed intently to pull whatever this really was into the light. I decided to chant for three hours, for three mornings in a row for the truth to show up. Immediately, the first morning the truth began to roll in, like a breakthrough in the cosmic fabric of the universe.

“Impossible” evidence showed up. The prayer for “truth” was answered, and answered again, and again, and with each answer, the bottom broke away from my world but the unhinged and sinking feelings now had a reason behind them and I could begin to tread water to stay above it all.

A lot went on during those three days, culminating in kicking him out.

Getting Him Gone

After I said to him, “I want you to leave”, he stayed ten more days. One of those days, standing only inches apart, he showed me what he was. We were face-to-face. Looking at one another, directly in the eye. There’s no memory of how we came to be in this position because I’d been keeping my head tilted down and my gaze away from him. But there we were. I showed no fear and let him look into me, but also gave away none of myself – no feelings, no emotion, no thoughts. I made myself an open blank as he allowed me to see… invited me to see what he was. His eyes had become bottomless black pools.

The room disappeared, and my focus zoomed into this huge and horrific intimate moment. With a little internal stumble, a hiccup of a natural impulse to reach out, I made a conscious effort to pull back from my instinct to connect. This so quiet and tiny moment showed me how profoundly hard-wired we are to connect, in all circumstances, in all things.

I steadied myself and looked into his eyes. As I scanned this face that I’d once thought so handsome, it morphed into a human-shaped vessel filled with something else... This being in front of me was harder than stone or steel… there was nothing soft. No one to talk to. Just – no one. No one to reason with or lean into, no one. Nothing touchable; nothing reachable that I would want to reach.

Evil Shows Its Face

In absolute certainty, I knew there was nothing I could say that would land anywhere within him to change anything that had happened. Nothing I could say would make me safe. I was on the edge of an abyss. His eyes were a portal to another world. One I wanted no part of. This tiny peek-in was enough.

What I had seen in this quiet and calm, was infinite, endless destruction. Pure evil. This thing in front of me, animated as something covered in human skin and bone was evil itself. There was no mistaking it.

Looking at him, my mind kept trying to define what I was seeing… it kept saying, there’s nothing there. There’s nothing… nothing there. It was weeks later that I understood those words in my head. There’s nothing there… nothing recognizably human.

When We Know…

He let me see his inner world. Not the one we occupy and see as reality. The place he’d always lived while pretending to be here in this one with me. This shifted the dynamic between us into a reality worse than any imagined moment on American Horror Story. To escape, to survive this, I had to step into his world.

Following instincts I didn’t know I had, I went into an unfathomable realm of fear and at the same time rock solid focus to maneuver him out of my life.

At the risk of losing my mind, I had to do what these creatures do. I made things up. The single most significant life-saving thing I did was lie to him. And lie more.

I also said a few true things… A few weeks after he left with my annulment filed, immigration reports filed, and before changing my phone number so he could never again reach me, I sent him one final text, you fucked with the wrong person this time.

And New Horizons

For each of us, I know based on the thousands of recovery coaching clients I’ve had the honor to support through their own restorations that what we believe. What we believe to be true about these hijackings, about ourselves, and about how life works determines how soon and how fully we recover.

A cornerstone to recovery is in our faith – let’s say our philosophy for living. The beliefs we hold about how life functions – whether we’re aware we have any or not inform our healing.

My thinking in these hijackings – and in life – is based on the dignity of life itself. I hold a strong awareness of the inherent power within our lives. That we can direct our lives and manifest our unlimited potential. At the foundation of all things in my life is the philosophy within Nichiren Buddhism and the SGI. This includes an unwavering effort to create value from all things.

This led me straight to the determination that just as I’d thought marrying this amazing man was the best thing I’d ever done, I decided still – with all this – that marrying this maniac would also be the best g.d. thing I’d ever done. I would turn this to my benefit, I would take back my life and win.

No one deserves or causes these nightmares that defy description. I do hope that each and every person sucked into the vortex of one of these parasites finds a way to make value from the nightmare, from this terrorizing attack. To attain a breakthrough in creating your best life. You are worthy of every happiness.

Here’s to REAL True Love and Happiness!

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As a certified coach, upholding industry standards I strive to inform, educate, invite thought and dialogue, to co-plan, co-strategize, advise, consult, refer, recommend, train, teach, guide and coach people in guided recovery and discovery specific to these crimes, and from hell and broken in the aftermath to whole again, and more. You decide what winning is.

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