After No Contact: What's Next? - true love scam recovery

After no contact that’s when we get them out of our bones.
We deliberatly create our recovery
with new info, practical action and time.

After no contact we might think things are going to be amazing! Things are amazing all right. But maybe not in the way we hope or expect or might have assumed. The truth is after bravely going no contact, all of us feel relief and…like poop. At first. And at the same time.

Right along with feeling better…we feel… worse? Or a different kind of “bad”. It’s different than before going no contact, but it isn’t magically all better. So what’s it like after no contact? Let’s talk about it.

After No Contact

First thing: You’re going to doubt going no contact. The instant you click “block” or delete there contact info and get a new phone number, you’re going to be filled with fear and doubt. The fear brings doubt with it.

I know this hardly seems fair. The thing is, a part of you will do a happy dance, and that part will grow and grow over time with our deliberate pursuit of restoring and recovering our lives.

So – then how is it possible that after months of aching to get them out of your life, and have them stop calling and texting, of trying to break up – now that you’ve finally gone no contact – why do you doubt yourself and feel fear!?

Because We’re Normal

You’re normal. They aren’t. They inspire and bring out of us loads of “yuck”. Fear and yuck… that takes us off track. – The fear brings doubt on it’s tail. If we can identify the fear, you might see that it’s mostly fear of how mad they are. And that fear wakes up doubt that we did the right thing in blocking them.

You might start to rationalize (again, in their favor) that they aren’t really that bad or can’t be all bad. Or maybe if you just give them one more chance…If we don’t get a grip on this fear, we might unblock them. This is normal too.

We feel all of the things we’re feeling and thinking including this fear is because this is the normal effect of a sociopathic “human” on us as normal humans under their spell. Because a part of them, their influence, that mojo-sickening-venom they infuse into our souls the moment we think they’re cute is still in our bodies. Now – after no contact – is when we can get them out of our bones.

The Podcast: Narcissistic Abue Unwound

More Than One Feeling at Once

Every piece of these nightmares carries a duality, a contradicition of emotion and thought so, after no contact we’re awash with fear of them. So, we’re afraid of how mad they’ll be that we aren’t answering them anymore. (Guughhguhh.)

There’s fear that they know we blocked them. We know they’ll be mad. And we made them mad. It’s our fault. Ugghhh. – We all know this feeling and how this spirals. – This is normal. This happens for all of us. And, it’s another one of the emotions that slushes through our bodies to our surprise. It isn’t logical, we can see that… But, it’s there, we feel it!

It’s All Fake

This consuming fear is another one of those “illusions of emotion” that comes along with the package of of being under the spell of a sociopath. (Yes, even if you’re calling them a “narcissist”.)

For some of us fear – conscious fear – has been part of things for a while. Not so for all of us. But it’s there now after no contact. …When I kicked out the nutbag I’d married I felt he was watching me, following me and felt him as an ominscient malevolent presence that never left for quite some time. Getting it (him) out of my body took a combination of three things: managing pracitcal things, deeper comprehension of what a sociopath is, and time.

Take Care of The Business of Healing

The practical things for me were to frist get my door locks changed. File and get an annulment, report him to USCIS (US immigration for green card fraud). Get out of a lease with a scamming auto dealership. Visit repeatedly with recalcatrent male and highly ineffective police, until one day a female detective finally took action. This was all absolutely horrifying and extremely difficult. I had to do it all. Had to. All this was part of winning and taking my life back.

My deeper comprehension of what a sociopath is built and built from what I’d observed while he still lived in my home by taking an objective view what he said and did developing a new type of observational skill. For some unknown reason, being able to see they are came naturally to me. I was truly blessed in my own innate ability to draw in more and moree, see more and more and put together the truth of what these simplistic, limited, and dumb creatures are.

Put Pieces Together

For myself, I assimilated the reality of them – of what they are and what that means – into my situation and memories of our (stupid) conversations and the idiotic or strange things he said and did and into his promises and lies. – I was truly fortunate. These insights into them and how to see them are what I share and deeply, desperately try to impart to others recovering from these messes.

It takes time to restore our lives. Time can’t be replaced with anything else. After no contact we decide to win. After no contact we must make up our mids to override the illusory emotions and thoughts inspired by their dark influence and impact on us in order to get ourselves back.

This is an incredibly common occurance you’ve been drawn into. It happens everyday to hundreds of thousands of people.

After No Contact We All Feel This

Here are some things that are going to be happening after no contact as you wade through and climb out of the quagmire and the post-trauma:

It will take huge effort to do normal things like the laundry, dishes, or make food.
You won’t want to go anywhere.
You might sit and stare into space for hours.
You’ll have tears running in a slow stream from your eyes suddenly.
You’ll suddenly cry silently, your mouth contorted as you vomit pain. This can happen laying down or standing up and bent over.
Simple kindness, someone holding a door open for you, will make you nearly weep.
Exercise or movement is not possible.
On the other hand, you might need to walk, to move to keep from exploding or being swallowed.
Other people won’t understand. (I will.)
Friends can only take about three months of you talking about this. (That’s what I’m for.)
You’ll have memories of things they said or did, little scenes play all day in your head. (We can use these memories to recover!)
You might lose loads of weight really, really fast.
Then you might gain weight…
You might say to yourself that you feel “broken”. (You aren’t.)

This is post-trauma. It’s normal. It’s collosal. You’ll never ever do anything this hard. I know you can do it. How do I know? Because you were “with” them. Remember how much effort you made to make your life and their’s function? How hard it was to make anything good happen? Or even come close? Now: all that energy, resourcefulness, and your endless reserves of power are going to be put to use for you. Only you, and your recovery.

We End It They Don’t

After no contact is when you get to find you again. It’s when we get them out of our bones. After no contact, once you sift through and decode the memories, as you repeatedly redirect the illusory emotions they cause, as you take your life back, you’ll begin to see them as clowns.

And just think: no one syphoning money off you. They can’t insult you, call you names, stand you up and forget your birthday anymore. There won’t be another broken promise. Vow to yourself to heal and see this for what it was so that you can be user-proof forever. This will never happen again.

I want you to embrace yourself with compassion, grace and patience. As you continue after no contact moment by moment, love yourself. Give yourself permission to take time to recover. Uplift yourself rather than put yourself down. Don’t expect a rapid and immediate perfect life. That would be unfair to yourself. Be fair to yourself. Take care of yourself as you’d take care of a small child.

Breaking Up With Evil

Breaking Up with Evil: Escaping Coercive Control on Amazon

Five women’s true stories of being ensnared hauled through the confusion, lies, fear, and pain, and breaking away.

Told in their own words, they leave nothing unsaid. Find validation and see new glimpses of the truth as they share their stories… Stories that could be any of ours.

Courage is the force that creates history.
~ Daisaku Ikeda

Here’s to REAL True Love and Happiness!

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As a certified coach, upholding industry standards I strive to inform, educate, invite thought and dialogue, to co-plan, co-strategize, advise, consult, refer, recommend, train, teach, guide and coach people in guided recovery and discovery specific to these crimes, and from hell and broken in the aftermath to whole again, and more. You decide what winning is.

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