We’re encouraged and pushed to “move on”. People give us a look and say, “Omg, you’re still talking about that guy?” Don’t let others shove us into thinking we’re better before we really are.
People ask me, how long will it take before I feel normal again… And my answer is: it takes as long as it takes. And: it’s up to you.
I want to tell you, what you feel is perfect. Whatever you think about them and about what the “relationship” was – is okay. Checking up to see where they live now, or if they moved is cool… If they still take up space in your head, that’s okay.
The scenarios of what you should-have-said-instead-of-what-you-did-say and the replays of what they said… Those are okay as well. They do indicate healing is still in progress. You need all of that because it’s the material that you can combine, mix, and reposition with other key ingredients to reach full recovery.
What is coercive control? How does it happen? Why do we stay? Where does it come from and how do we break free?
Low self-esteem, or lack of self-love does not cause coercive control. After all, if we didn’t love ourselves, or have esteem for our lives, would it all hurt so sickeningly much?
Coercive control is defined as being forced to do something we don’t want to do. As being harmed by someone against our will. Does anyone willingly stand in harm’s way…?
The coercion comes about by definition when someone controls and harms us or forces something upon us when they: make jokes that are insulting, make direct criticism and insults, call us names; by physical harm or endangerment; in financial deprivation or control including creating debt we’re held responsible for.
Coercive Control By Another Name
This is also known as narcissistic abuse. It’s also known as toxic behavior, or dysfunctional behavior. Bottom line…? It’s fraud. The person carrying out the coercion is the doer. – The wrongdoer.
Yet, we so often blame ourselves. And, so do they. They get us to do all kinds of things, put up with so much nastiness, disrespect, lies, affairs, withholding sex or affection, or attention, mounting bills, disappearing funds, and they disappear. Even where they are and what they’re doing becomes a painful aspect of torture in coercive control.
Guided recovery sessions. Everything you’re feeling is normal.
And we stay. Maybe for a long time. And as we’re still there, naturally we do what normal humans do, we first look for the answer to why it’s happening within ourselves. We take responsibility for their behavior; we look to ourselves as the reason they do things that makes us feel bad or harm us.
Normal is Normal
At first, this makes some sense, early on with someone we feel we love and are in a relationship with, naturally, we do what humans do.
We adjust, compromise, try, fix, seek help to fix it, say no, say yes, apologize, try harder, cook better, do more, and want to have long talks with them about it all… And none of this works.
It’s normal to feel down and defeated when we’re controlled coercively, that’s one piece that makes coercive control work.
That’s when we start looking for different solutions; more answers as to why. This is often when we come across more wrong answers or solutions that fix nothing and don’t answer our question: Why is this happening?
In fact, these traditional answers cause more pain. These wrong answers as to the whythis happens are reflected in the concept of us being codependent, the idea of our low self-esteem, in the notion of having no boundaries, and on and on in a litany of nonsense ending with: because we don’t love ourselves other’s treat us badly. Nonsense.
We do love ourselves. Always. If you didn’t love yourself what they do wouldn’t hurt so badly.
I’m not sure how any of these blame-the-person-being-harmed-for-the-rotten-persons-behavior concepts ever made any sense, but they’re largely adopted as the way to look at situations where someone is stuck in coercive control or deceptive fraud.
Is it not possible that we’re influenced and yield to them simply because of what they are? If our hand is in the water, does our hand not get wet?
A human hand or a doggy paw for that matter, when dipped in water gets wet. Is this the case because there’s something wrong with us – or our hand – or the dog? Or is it because water is wet?
Breaking Up With Evil
Breaking Up with Evil: Escaping Coercive Control on Amazon
Five women’s true stories of being ensnared hauled through the confusion, lies, fear, and pain, and breaking away.
Told in their own words, they leave nothing unsaid. Find validation and see new glimpses of the truth as they share their stories… Stories that could be any of ours.
“He tried to convince me he had sex with Dawn because of losing the dog.” ~ Shannon O. Five women’s stories from the promises to hell to escape and healing.
The thrill of engagement; the excitement of meeting Mr. Right, The One, the one like no other is the sociopath effect. There are specific feelings and thoughts that well up. These demonstrate we’ve fallen into the trap of a disingenuous user; in the time of the experience, we call it amazing love.
There are people of inherent coercive control. It’s a quality they possess simply as who and what they are. You could say they’re people of inherent evil. – Just in the same way we’re inherently good and that’s just who and what we are.
How many of us had the opportunity to be cruel to them, or take something back for them but couldn’t do it? – Yah. Because we’re inherently good. It’s who we are.
These spontaneous and overwhelming feelings represent the common marker that we’ve met a person who’s interested in us for their own dark-minded entertainment or their personal gain.
Meeting a Person of Inherent Coercive Control Feels Like This
We feel we’ve met the most amazing person on the planet
We can’t believe it…we can’t believe we found this person
They’re like no one we’ve ever met before to an exceptional degree
We’re surprised they like us, though we don’t say it out loud and this thought surprises us
It’s hard to believe that they’re still single or that someone let them go
We really want this relationship to a point of feeling anxious about it
Some notice fears that the relationship won’t come to be
We do things we’d never otherwise do within hours or days of meeting them such as change our plans, alter our schedule, and make exceptions for them
Coercive Control is Elicited as a Natural Response to Persons of Inherent Coercive Control
We fall into a particular and unusual emotional state; an instantaneous unconscious transformation that is the stuff of coercive control. You could say, being hooked is a state of involuntary coerced agreement. Towards them and things related to them, we become a bouncing ball of, yes!
And they, the hunter in pursuit who’s just bagged us? They are thrilled. Ecstatic. We see it in smiles, a buoyant attitude, wanting to be with us, messaging, and texting lots… It’s their pride in ensnaring someone new which they see as an accomplishment.
We naturally mistake for mutual and genuine excitement that we met. In truth, it’s the thrill of engagement and just the beginning of a long hard Tilt-O-Whirl of crazy.
Coercive Control is Not Because of Us: It’s Really Them
Please embrace how good you are. Know that you do love yourself or you wouldn’t be on this page. Understand that codependency as an explanation for why we were deceived and used is a behemoth of outdated thinking… and results in feeling more beat up.
And further, codependency is a misconception applied to women. How many men are told they’re codependent and this is what caused a sociopath to hijack their life?
We Get Down and Low: Low Self Esteem Doesn’t Make it Happen
Low self-esteem can be an effect of time spent under #coercivecontrol. This is not a character flaw, it isn’t permanent. It’s normal to feel down and defeated when we’re controlled coercively, that’s one piece that makes coercive control work.
But low self-esteem or lack of self-love does not cause coercive control. After all, if we didn’t love ourselves, or have esteem for our lives, would it all hurt so sickeningly much?
We can sidestep and escape coercive control by understanding what it truly is, why it happens, and who’s doing it. Combine that with embracing your own life in all your goodness.
And please, never stop seeking evolution in your answers and explanations for life’s phenomena. Remember, they used to think the earth was flat.
Add these to your contacts so you don’t miss a newsletter! jennifer@truelovescam.com info@truelovescam.com
As a certified coach, upholding industry standards I strive to inform, educate, invite thought and dialogue, to co-plan, co-strategize, advise, consult, refer, recommend, train, teach, guide and coach people in guided recovery and discovery specific to these crimes, and from hell and broken in the aftermath to whole again, and more. You decide what winning is.
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We all know the pull and draw. We feel ourselves over-reach, jump all-in, and wonder at it. Then conclude it’s all part of being swept off our feet. And indeed it is. But… why does it happen? Let’s find out exactly why.
Power of Influence: We’ve All Got it, We’re All Affected by It
We all have a power of influence; we each and all affect people around us. We’re not usually aware of how we affect other people, but we’ve all been aware at some time or another that others affect or influence us, which results in a particular emotional effect or response within us.
Absolutely anyone can be ensnared by this unseen aspect and quality of a life-stealing pathological predator.
What I call the sociopath effect is in reference to that intangible pull that is the predominant element that draws us to them. It’s an invisible “something” that instantly grabs us in.
That thing we call charisma, charm, that thing… that inexplicable power of influence is inherent in every sociopath. In other words, it isn’t a “skill”, it’s just there. This is what I’m calling the sociopath effect. – I’d say it’s what we think of as coercive control.
Untouchable, Invisible, but With a Power of Influence
So how can something intangible, invisible… something you can’t see, hear, smell, touch or taste affect us enough that we fall (walk, run, dance happily as if we just won the lottery) into this kind of trap? Well, because things that don’t reach the physical senses do reach other senses. Really. There are entire systems based on this reality. Let’s think of it in other scenarios.
How about relating to regular people in general… or meeting a new person. We get a vibe, yah? I imagine we’ve all had the experience of realizing some people make others feel good when they’re around. Maybe you’re one of thsoe people… There can be something about some of us that makes other people feel at ease or uplifted in their presence. There are other people who aren’t so fun to have around; they might be the last on the party invite list because, well, they’re kind of a downer. – We all have a power of influence.
We Feel All Day Long: It’s a Part of Our Survival
Everywhere we go all day, there’s a “vibe”, or influence we feel from the people around us and fomr the physical spaces we walk into. Whether when we encounter a new person, or walk into an apartment we’re thinking of renting, a house we’re considering buying, a gym, a church, or even into a restaurant, we have a “feeling”. Thse things translate into what we “like” or “don’t like”. You could think of it as a kind of protection.
Someone who is a pathological parasitic predator, that monster we call a sociopath or a “narcissist”, has a stronger more intense, deeper effect on people than others. It’s a natural, wired-in part of their survival… but we’ll get to that.
First, let’s recognize that an invisible, untouchable, formless, tasteless “feeling” sends us a signal. Can you recall how meeting someone, or walkign into a new neighoborhood park a thought popped into your mind, like: “Ah, I like this place.” Or maybe, “Hmmm, I’m not wild about this place.” Those thoughts are the result of a feeling that our bodies process into an idea or appraisal. The deal is, we might not realize that first there was a “feeling” or “vibe” that inspired hte conclusion or thought.
We Don’t Always Realize We’re Being Influenced
Every person or place or thing has a power of influence. Some is seemingly mild, like that shy kid who sits in the back of the room and no one notices. Or the happy guy who always smiles and waves. We all know the power of influence of celebrities.
Walking into that new restaurant, maybe we can recognize what it is we like or dislike about the space. As an example, I for one, don’t feel comfortable inside restaurants that cover the walls with mirrors.
Don’t know why that is, it just is for me. The feelings we feel about a restaurant, and about people around us in a response to them, are drawn out of our own life
Discomfort in mirrored rooms doesn’t apply to every single person, some might really like the feeling of mirrors while they eat dinner. The discomfort around mirrors while I eat is inside me. It’s a condition in my life, based on me as a person… my own life experiences, beliefs, and thoughts that make “me” be me.
Humans Have Similar Responses to Influences
There are some things we nearly all respond to in the same way. Most of us enjoy a sunset for its beauty. Most of us would respond with feelings of pleasant surprise and some excitement if we were to receive an unexpected and hefty tax refund
This is what coercive control is: unseen, not felt at all int he beginning as anything other than amazing. This is why it’s so hard to break away.
Other things affect us each a bit differently and vary depending on our immediate circumstances or inner conditions such as our likes, dislikes, and our dreams, or hopes; even our sense of failures or disappointments in life.
Without getting too complicated, let’s look at a simple scenario describing our responses as they vary depending on us, our life, and our in-the-moment situation.
The Influence of a Predator: Narcissistic Abuse Unwound
Our Response To Others Is Rooted In Our Own Life Experiences and Beliefs
Our life at the moment that we encounter something determines the response we have to that person, place, or thing.
Mood and internal “life condition” or life-state in general, and in specific, along with our actual circumstances at the moment all fall into how we respond, or how we feel the power of influence from whatever it is we encounter.
We all have a power of influence; all people, places and things have an effect or an influence on us and on others. That’s normal.
As a way to look at this, let’s say we come across a tiny puppy wandering around the parking lot of the Trader Joe’s we just pulled into. The sweet little-thing is rambling anxiously between and under cars sniffing at the ground; poochie looks lost, and scared, and hungry. We can see that it has no collar on. What happens to us?
We Feel Unease and an Underlying Disturbance
Curiosity awakens. We’re feeling bad. We might worry. Our emotions, these feelings inspired by the lost, little doggy, might form into words in our head, or even out loud we might say, “Oh, my goodness! This dog is lost!”
And unless we’re scared of dogs or super allergic, or just really, really don’t like dogs – and probably even if we don’t, especially like dogs – we instinctively feel emotions that compel us to take action on the doggie’s behalf.
Depending on other factors in our life, and our circumstances, we “do something.” That “something” varies depending on us, and our momentary life situation.
It Goes Like This
For example, if we have our baby in the car, and our three-year-old holding our hand, we probably do not approach the dog or follow it around the parking lot trying to help it.
This doesn’t mean we aren’t concerned deeply about the pooch, but other factors, more critical things, such as the care and safety of our babies take precedence over going after the lost dog.
Breaking Up With Evil
Breaking Up with Evil: Escaping Coercive Control on Amazon
Five women’s true stories of being ensnared hauled through the confusion, lies, fear, and pain, and breaking away.
Told in their own words, they leave nothing unsaid. Find validation and see new glimpses of the truth as they share their stories… Stories that could be any of ours.
If on the other hand, we see that lost doggie, but we’re in heels and a skirt, and on our way to a business appointment immediately after grabbing a Trader Joe’s ready-made chicken salad sandwich, we might signal the security guard in the parking lot to let him know about the dog, and then trot on in the store
A voyage of crossfading misinformation, pain, self-doubt, and all the other soup of trauma and PTSD for the truth. Decode. Reframe the nightmare. Be free.
We might take a minute to also tell the store manager about Mr. Puppy once we nab that sanny and before stepping in line to pay and get on out to our meeting.
That dog stays on our minds for a while. We’re concerned, but our own life and impending appointment are more significant at that moment… so the influence of the wandering Bowzer takes a back seat.
Depending On the Timing Entrapment Works or Doesn’t
Another scenario could be: We’re on our own, and have lots of time on our hands, our car is parked around the corner in a free-parking zone with no limits.
We’re unfettered, unencumbered, and leisurely with time on our hands and our coin purse and phone in our coat pocket. In this case, we might let the concern and feelings about the dog come to full bloom, compelling us to take an hour coaxing that cute, fuzzy-faced woofer into our arms so we can find its home through a process of other personal efforts.
The little guy in our arms lets us know he appreciates us with licks and tail wagging, that doggy connects and bonds equally with us as we do with him.
We don’t notice all the things affecting us in our surroundings. That would be much-too-much, and completely overwhelming.
It’s a matter of personal issues, circumstances, and even our core beliefs, and personal interests that play into what we notice, and how it affects us, and where that takes us in altering or dictating our response at that moment.
The power of a person: The underwater sensation slowly subsided; my eyes cleared, my vision came into focus and revealed a person. A person on the other side of the room, just walking into produce, and still by the fragrant lemons and limes.
Every person or place or thing has a power of influence. Some is seemingly mild, like that shy kid who sits in the back of the room and no one notices. Or the happy guy who always smiles and waves.
We all know of the power of influence of celebrities, who by the way are humans. Some of us are into some of these idealized humans, and some of us aren’t, but I’ll tell you a quick story about a certain famous person that kind of blew my mind. This illustrates the power of influence.
Power of Influence
True story: One day I was shopping at Whole Foods in Beverly Hills. I was in the produce department, on the far end, with my back to the entrance of this corner of the store.
Sorting through rutabagas and carrots I paused, lifted my head, and then as if in slow motion found myself turning away from the root vegetables. My body led me, my head pivoted first, the rest of me following.
The underwater sensation slowly subsided; my eyes cleared, my vision came into focus and revealed a person. A person on the other side of the room, just walking into produce near the fragrant lemons and limes.
At the same time, I could half-see and sense that every shopper in the room had turned the same direction I had, as collectively we each and all registered who was standing there: The one and only: Mr. Sydney Portier.
Now in his 90s, for those who don’t know who this is, please click the links above to get a glimpse. There that day, among the potatoes and parsnips, I was in awe; the entire room was.
Influence Exudes on Its Own Effortlessly
The room was filled with pure wonder; I felt warm, and a kind of joy rise up, and in my case, based on me, who I am as a person, and my own life, I went to speak to him. No one else approached him.
There is no reciprocal bond or interaction with a sociopath. Our brains don’t register this consciously. Our minds and then our bodies respond by being over-concerned and over-solicitous; just as we do with the lost puppy but for very different reasons.
As we chatted, his warmth embraced me and we stood as equals in human exchange. This isn’t because I’m an Oscar winner or a renowned anything. I felt like an equal to Mr. Portier because that’s part of the power of his influence on others. He exudes and extends an embracing, calm warmth of humanism. He imparts dignity towards others.
The room gradually shifted back towards a level of normal activity, but it took a bit. Even now, I can feel that moment when I conjure the memory, I bet others there that day can too.
We all have a “vibe” – A power of influence; all people, places, and things have an effect or an influence on us and on others. That’s normal.
The Sociopath Effect
The stun gun of coercive control is the inherent power of influence that ensnares and binds prey in the blink of an eye. Did you know they don’t have to try? It’s a quality they possess inherently, like our eye color: we’re born with it. Some do hone it.
The sociopath has an uncanny, abnormal, and very strong power of influence. They simply do. It may come from their laser focus on gaining prey.
Their cellular level primal need to hook as many people as possible to add to their resources never leaves them. They need us for legitimacy, respectability, and for basics such as food, sex, places to live, laptops, phones, presidencies, and cash.
Their need for us isn’t casual; it’s literally their survival. And it’s the only way their brains are wired. That’s all that’s inside their noggins and hearts.
The need sociopaths have for us is unbelievable. They’re entirely dependent on hooking us. At all waking moments, they’re singularly focused and determined to do this. This makes for a very powerful pull, an incredibly intense power of influence on those they beam in on.
We Naturally Bond: Reach Out Further Towards Reluctant People
For all that intensity of need for us, sociopaths, however, do not connect “back” as a puppy or Mr. Portier would. They need us like a parasite needs a hot-blooded warm body to live off of.
A sociopath wouldn’t have the innate response to a lost puppy that we do or to another person as we do. Their “connecting” is entirely different; there is no genuine human connection or bonding that we expect and know as normal. They don’t give off “connection”.
There is no reciprocal bond of human connection or interaction with a sociopath. Our brains don’t register this consciously. Our minds and then our bodies respond by being over-concerned and over-solicitous – just as we do with the lost puppy – but for very different reasons.
We’re Normal and Always Doing What’s Normal
It’s natural that we want to draw out the shy person, the reluctant puppy. You can bet when the person not yielding “connection” is a guy we think is our soul mate, and that (not) soul mate happens to be a sociopath, we’re not going to sit back, we’re going to bend over backward. That’s normal. To stay, to give, to try, to build, to fix is normal.
The lack of connection from the “other” causes us to reach further out to connect. This is another natural human element and function that the mere presence of a sociopath makes use of and hijacks for their own benefit.
And, it happens naturally without very much effort or sometimes no effort on their part. Yes. They are not genius manipulators. They’re a particular type of being with its own power of influence.
Like the Children Following the Pied Piper, We Follow
When we meet them we’re immediately all-in. We’re swept up in what we think will be an amazing life. A life that’s more amazing than anything we could ever imagine. A life beyond anything on our own. We feel we need them.
We feel like they are the answer to our dreams and more. There’s an overwhelming feeling that we need them. We kinda feel we’d die without them.
All of this is the sociopath effect. The effect of a narcissist – a sociopath – simply “is”. It emanates from them and infiltrates us like a poison vapor. This is what coercive control is: unseen, not felt in the beginning as anything other than the amazingness of this amazing person you’ve met. This same element is what makes it so hard to break away.
Narcissistic Abuse Unwound: The Podcast
The Sociopath Effect Leads Us to Feel We Need Them
The feeling that we need them is 100% across the board a commonality with every person ensnared by a sociopath. This is a part of what I call: The Sociopath Effect.
My friend is using an advance on future income from his music publishing rights to pay for it all. This is a musician who collaborated and hung with chart-topping musicians as their peer. And now: He’s eating his own future under the power of influence of a sociopath. The sociopath effect is destroying his life.
The feeling we need them simply is, because of what they are. – When we’re caught up, ensnared, the “click” has happened: we truly think we will not have the life we now, or any kind of life without them, and that we have what our life is now because of them.
Here’s another true story about a friend of mine. He’s a Grammy, Oscar, Platinum, and Gold record album holder. He’s got a 40-plus-year career as a renowned musician.
Under the spell of a nasty little female sociopath, posing as his manager, he now feels that without this (unrecognized) sociopath in his life he will: Stay in bed all day, get fat, be depressed, make no money, lose everything, be a nothing, and have nothing. – In fact, all this is what’s happening under her influence.
Sociopaths Are Shallow in Real-Life Skills
In reality, the sociopath knows nothing about building a musician’s career. She has no connections, or abilities to help anyone aside from herself. Like any sociopath she’s a sub-person pretending to be a whole-person, pretending to do a job.
Nothing about us made them what they are. We can’t do could not have said or done anything that would change what they are. Our right to be who we are is unalienable; we have every right to be just as we are; normal, perfectly-imperfect, gorgeous humans.
On these last few coffee shop gigs to somewhere in Indiana, where the seats are $20 each he’s not making enough to cover the flight there. This man, under the grip of a tiny female sociopath, pays for all the travel, hotel rooms, meals, and incidentals out of money he doesn’t have. And the point of a tour – income – is submerged in debt and no funds to pay himself on any single “tour”.
He fired his money manager of 25 years; the man who made his bill payments did his taxes, and kept his finance in the black. The sociopath maneuvered this firing and is now in charge of his money – or more to the reality of the situation, in charge of his mounting pile of debt. This fraudster is spending and stealing his money.
This is a musician who collaborated and hung with every chart-topper, his peers. And now, he’s eating his own future under the power of influence of a sociopath; bound in the spell of the sociopath effect.
Just like some of us may not be drawn to saving a lost puppy, or affected by the aura and presence of Mr. Portier, not all of us are drawn in by anyone particular sociopath or another unless the timing is there and circumstances line up.
There’s an infinitesimal and specific moment in time when a particular sociopath can hook us. They know that… because of this and the 100% eventual fail-rate of all entrapments, they need to hunt 24/7; and because, they have no capacity to do anything else, or survive any other way.
Being Hooked or Not
In addition to the timing, circumstances, and our life itself, in order to fall into a sociopath’s influence, we need to find them attractive, or interesting, or see them as a potential business partner, or as a dream mate.
Otherwise, we might come across a sociopath in the park, or at the coffee shop, or any-old-where and they wouldn’t hit our radar or land that bulls-eye they need. If they don’t “hit-the-spot”, we find them disarmingly creepy rather than disarmingly charming. We’ve bypassed many a sociopath before the one that brought us here.
If We’re Hooked: We’re Hooked
When one hits the bullseye, it happens instantly. The nut-bag who hijacked me was introduced to me by a friend through a three-way conference call. In the previous months that I’d been dating a few men, wanting a long-term relationship, none of them panning out. I was also in the process of finding a new project to work on, and looking for a new lodger through Airbnb.
The idea was, I could work on this guy’s project and he could be my new temporary lodger because he was visiting LA, he wasn’t a resident of the USA. These were my circumstances.
The sociopath profoundly benefits by our not finding the correct track, or the accurate way to view what’s truly going on.
While my friend dialed in the nut-bag, I Googled him and up sprang images. One image went straight to the heart of my undoing. As I looked at his luminescent, pulsating-with-goodness-image, I was overcome with emotions.
They were the effect and influence of him clicking into my life, which immediately caused my brain to form the thought, ”I can’t work with him, he…. he… he’s my husband!” Bingo. Hook, line and sunk. His work was done. More to the point: He had no work to do. It happened for him. This is the way it works for most scams. They really aren’t sure what will work or when.
People Who Have Not Had This Experience Have No Clue
Unless someone has had this experience they can’t understand this. The best many people around us can do is conclude that this happened because we’re 1) codependent, 2) stupid, 3) missed red flags, 4) were in denial, 5) have low self-esteem, 6) don’t know how to pick boyfriends, 6) are attracted to losers, 7) like bad-boys, 8) are idiots, 9) need help, 10) toxic people magnets, 11) like drama, 12) should have known better.
And now that it’s ended and we’re a mess, that we’re: 13) crazy, 14) depressed, 15) suicidal, 16) were the problem, 17) are stalking them, 18) can’t move on, 19) need to let it go, 20) are ruminating, 21) are obsessed, 22) need Xanax or anti-depressants, 23) should start dating someone else to forget them, 24) are nuts, 25) have changed, 26) are no fun anymore.
We’ve been put through changes, and at the moment we might not be much fun, but none of the rest of those things are true. Not one of them. Nothing from numbers 1 through 24 is why this happened, or what we now are.
Be Sure There is None of the Above Malarkey is Put On Upon Us by Ourselves
We cannot take responsibility for the inhumanity of a sociopath or narcissistic user. There’s nothing about us that gives them permission to use us, deceive, lie, steal, take from us, smear us, or destroy us. Nothing about us made them what they are.
We can’t do could not have said or done anything that would change what they are. Our right to be who we are is unalienable; we have every right to be just as we are; normal, perfectly imperfect, gorgeous humans.
We are not “co-dependent”: This is accusatory and “blame the victim” language.
They are 100% dependent. Sociopaths need us for legitimacy and all elements of their survival.
We aren’t lacking boundaries: We’re engaged in normal human relationship building.
They have zero boundaries. Zero limits. They have no – none – zero “stops” on anything they will do, or try in their continued pursuit of survival as defrauding parasites.
Our Own Normal Human Feelings Lead Away Us From the Truth
Often while we’re caught up in being normal humans (imagine that) and having “feelings” in response to what they’re doing in a certain moment, we’re off track.
As our feelings then naturally turn to a thought, and then a belief, and then these thoughts and beliefs lead us to other conclusions about this moment, and about other scenarios with them, we are way, way, way off track. And the sociopath profoundly benefits from our not finding the correct track or the accurate way to view what’s truly going on.
There’s a day they expect from the first “hello”; the day where enough is revealed so that we pull back, roll up the red carpet of normal-relationship-building. The day they fail – and bail. Decode the truth. Reframe the nightmare. Be free.
While we’re busy feeling bad about something they’ve done or not done or said or not said to us, a hot-mix of feeling ashamed, embarrassed, sad, vulnerable, self-conscious, discarded, treated badly, abused rushes through us.
All mistaken as far as understanding what’s really going on. All inaccurate because he’s not – or she’s not – what we think they are or motivated by our specific feelings. He’s a sociopath deliberately using and taking advantage. He knows what he is.
Feelings Turn to Thoughts Which Become Beliefs
Our feelings are inspired by the narcissistic users’ callous and careless behavior; their neglect or broken promises and lies turn to thoughts and then beliefs about ourselves, our life, our value, and about the “relationship”
This can feed into feelings of low self-esteem, or a belief we aren’t “good enough”; all from misinterpreting the dynamic between “normal” and “sociopath”.
And low self-esteem or not, in no way, does any amount of “low self-esteem”, depression, or anything else about us gives anyone permission to defraud, con, assault, use, coerce, steal, or take from us, or any one-drop of the rest of the sickening things they do to others.
Our Normal is Bent to the Agent of Their Evil
With the combined sociopath effect phenomenon, and our normal-human characteristics, and beliefs we already carry they slide into a position of power and influence above ourselves. All normal under the sociopath effect.
There’s a day the sociopath expects from the first “hello”. The day when enough “weird”, enough lying, enough confusion, and glimpses of their lack of care is revealed so that we pull back, and roll up the red carpet of normal relationship-building. The day they fail and bail.
We were not loved and then betrayed, but ensnared, deceived, and used. We were never devalued and discarded. Discovering how to see the real truth is essential for healing. A voyage of crossfading misinformation, pain, self-doubt, and all the other soup of trauma and PTSD for the truth. Decode. Reframe the nightmare. Be free.
Add these to your contacts so you don’t miss a newsletter! jennifer@truelovescam.com info@truelovescam.com
As a certified coach, upholding industry standards I strive to inform, educate, invite thought and dialogue, to co-plan, co-strategize, advise, consult, refer, recommend, train, teach, guide and coach people in guided recovery and discovery specific to these crimes, and from hell and broken in the aftermath to whole again, and more. You decide what winning is.
Bread crumbs and promises. Odd things we might or might not discover are lies. And, then there’s the truth. To really heal, we need to know how to decode their meaning.
What is it with the boyfriend and the weird things they say? What is it when they talk a lot. They toss out what turns out to be garbage in glittery promises in the form of hints. Mutterings about marriage, kids, a house, something they’ll never do again, or never would do – like cheat or lie. These are the bread crumbs, the dangling carrot.
Then, the majority of their words are more lies and misdirects, and gaslighting. Sometimes we discover the truth of the lies, sometimes we don’t.
There are lots of stories about other people, things they did and said, along with lots of bad things about others while they are so, so good. There’s denying something that happened, or that was said, or done. There’s telling us we’re crazy.
They Say Weird Things
I asked the man I was about to marry if he had any kids. We were standing together in the kitchen.
His head down, bent over the stove, stirring the dinner he was making for us. I waited.
A slow smile peeked from his profile. As he turned his face up, not towards me, but up somewhere between the stove-top vent and the top of the kitchen wall.
And lastly, there’s the truth. The bizarre, surreal, incomprehensible-in-the-moment truth. Truth to weird to make sense.
His gaze seemed to look out into the distance beyond the kitchen, a distance I couldn’t see. In a throaty, dreamy voice he murmured, I have hundreds of kids all over the world. Then, his attention went straight back to the stew his strange trance broken.
I didn’t understand. I stood, waiting on pause, looking at him. Waiting for him to say more… He said nothing but stirred the simmering tomatoes and chillis. He didn’t speak, didn’t look at me, just stood there cooking.
I tried to imagine what he meant… Then, still bowed over the stew pot, with gravity and a touch of what read from my angle as regret, he said, I had a four-year-old boy once, but I gave him back. – This did not clear things up.
The Surreal Lift-Up Out of Our Own Body
This made no sense. I needed it to make sense. We all need what people say to make sense. I thought, maybe he had a foster kid or… something…or… I factored in that his English wasn’t great… Ticking gears clicked, and whirled until I landed on, oh, he must mean that he loves kids like I do!
More comments that made me tilt my head in wonder, like a dog at a high-pitched noise came along throughout the time I knew him.
That quiet moment of oddness at the stove got swept up into some kind of attic space in my mind, some odd corner where we keep the odd things they say.
There’s no need to change who you are, or how much you love. They take advantage of our misunderstanding of their words that come from our great goodness.
There are so many nutty words that come out of their mouths. Most of it is lies, but some of it, the really strange stuff, that’s something else. The words they say that leave us unsure of what they’re saying… those words are true.
When we metaphorically and literally scratch our heads in wonder, when we’re at a loss for words over their words… That’s when their words are pure truth. Their truth about their lives… not ours.
For instance, months later I discovered that while he did exaggerate, he was telling the truth about having “100s of kids all over the world”, in several countries as it turns out, and that estimate short only by about 75 kids.
Breaking Up With Evil
Breaking Up with Evil: Escaping Coercive Control on Amazon
Five women’s true stories of being ensnared hauled through the confusion, lies, fear, and pain, and breaking away.
Told in their own words, they leave nothing unsaid. Find validation and see new glimpses of the truth as they share their stories… Stories that could be any of ours.
Here are examples of true words uttered by real-life lying, using, and defrauding people without a conscience.
If I knew I wouldn’t go to jail for it, I’d kill you.
Step away, I’m about to get physical, and you don’t want to see that.
On the way driving back here every day, all I do is imagine bashing your head against the wall.
I don’t care like you do.
There are things you don’t know.
If you loved me you wouldn’t try to change me.
If you love me, you’ll take me as I am.
If you knew who I really was, you wouldn’t love me.
You’re afraid you’ll never see me again, aren’t you?
I knew you’d call me…
I can’t do it. I just can’t pretend anymore.
You have no idea all the things I’m fooling you about
You know this feeling is just a phase, right? It’s going to end. I intend to prolong it as long as I can, but it’s going to end.
Don’t tell people about us. It’s good now, but when it’s bad, it’s really bad.
I can’t make you do what I want, but I can make you wish you had.
I’m not who you think I am.
I’m not like other people. I’m a gray skin.
The Attic Corner in Our Mind
All these words of naked, bald, pure truth from a narcissistic sociopath glide right by our normal interpretation and comprehension of life.
As far as the weird thing my then “boyfriend” said at the stove, “I have 100’s of kids all over the world.” He did. He does. At last count, there are 16.
Three of them are the same age, in the same town, from three different women who each thought they were the only one while he was married to me, while another woman was getting an annulment from him, while another wife somewhere else waited at home for him as each of these three women with these three children did.
These Are Crimes Rather Than Relationships
How many phrases can you recall that rang strangely, but can now be flipped to ring true? It takes courage, but if we can take a look at these memories of these odd moments tucked into the attic, the cellar, and the back of the closet of our mind from a new angle, we can begin to see see what really went on.
If we can look at these hijackings for the crimes they are rather than a genuine relationship, we have a chance at deep recovery and can become user-proof forever.
Do your best not to get stuck in the lies. Walkthrough to the truth. The truth is a deliberate deception by a person who is, in truth, not at all who we thought they were. That person, the one we met, doesn’t exist.
Be Open To the Truth
Be open to the hideous truth. It’s how we step away from this being a personal relationship and realize we were targeted in fraud. A crime we can heal from. Someone we thought loved us and lied is something we might never get over.
Listen for it. They’ll tell you the truth, and we can hear it much, much later in the aftermath in the echos of their words. Those words, that truth is the key to healing, recovering, and healing.
There is Loss, Grieving and Much to Resolve and Heal
You’ll cry, and feel so, so bad that there are no words to describe the feeling. Go ahead and sry those tears that contort your face and come from the gut and the soul. Do your best to not get stuck in the lies, the promises, the moments they were “nice”. Know they are not good, they are not nice, and that the worst moment you saw in them…That is who they are.
That person, the one we met, doesn’t exist. Grieve what there is to grieve; with self-compassion, and awareness, gradually move into grieving not the person, but the crime.
There’s no need to change who you are, or how much you love. They take advantage of our misunderstanding of their words that come from our great goodness.
This doesn’t make our marvelous goodness bad. It does reveal just how bad they are. We are awesome!
Add these to your contacts so you don’t miss a newsletter! jennifer@truelovescam.com info@truelovescam.com
As a certified coach, upholding industry standards I strive to inform, educate, invite thought and dialogue, to co-plan, co-strategize, advise, consult, refer, recommend, train, teach, guide and coach people in guided recovery and discovery specific to these crimes, and from hell and broken in the aftermath to whole again, and more. You decide what winning is.
Affiliate links are in every True Love Scam Recovery article. Clicks on these links provide minor compensation to keep the site running. www.truelovescam.com and its agents are not licensed as attorneys, medical doctors, psychiatrists, psychologists, or therapists. See the entire and full True Love Scam Recovery Privacy Policy and Legal Agreement and Disclaimer here. Thank you.
Our subconscious mind is a powerful thing. Our sleeping mind, our dreams hold the key to unlocking self-doubt, anxiety and fears.
Our sleeping, subconscious mind is on our side. Nightmares aren’t just a horror show, without the popcorn, they show us how amazing and courageous we are, even in the face of fear.
The subconscious mind is a storehouse of our experiences and what they mean to us. They’re housed in the limbic system of our beautiful brain. After trauma, the waking fear can paralyze us in depression and anxiety. Nightmares plague many of us in PTSD. Have no fear, sleep and see what stuff our dreams, and we, are made of.
Nightmares: A Gift From the Subconscious Mind
We really do have all we need inside our selves. One of the most underused resources to our inner life and inspiration and “self-knowingness” is our dreams, the kind we have in bed at night, and housed in the subconscious, limbic brain.
By writing down our dreams the morning after as we wake up we can find many clues and answers to what we want, how we’re doing, and who we are. What we need, what’s going right, what we need to do next.
It may sound absurdly simple, and a little too hippy-dippy, but don’t discount it yet, we don’t want to lose out on something significant and helpful in our recovery, we need real support where ever we find it. The power of our subconscious mind is not to be underestimated… we can reign it in to support us.
“Every time you dream, you are washing upon the shores of your own inner landscape.” ~ Dylan Tuccillo
As we go to bed tell ourselves to remember our dream.
Have a notebook or paper and a pen or pencil nearby.
Sleep, dream. And wake.
Grab that paper and pen and write what we remember of our dream.
Start with whatever’s in our head and keep going.
No worries about the beginning, middle, end. Just write.
Keys to what we were really dreaming about fly from our pen to paper.
The Subconscious Mind at Work
One of my nightmares filled me with awe and appreciation for myself. In the dream, I wake up in the middle of the night and walk into my kitchen. On the way there, those gigantic, outdoor type cockroaches we have so many of in Southern California, tons of them, are crawling along the floor. Nightmare. Horrific. Traumatic.
I had on fear, no anxiety. Instead, I found myself in awe of myself, and of my life, and life itself.
Next, I’m spraying the roaches with a bottle of bleach and water. It’s scary and revolting and I don’t want to do it. It’s gross. I hate them. Then the bugs are gone, but my laptop, the one I write from daily, is in the middle of the kitchen floor in a flood of water. I pick it up and tip it to drain the water out. I’m estimating the damage and thinking of how to get the water out.
The laptop gets smaller in my hands, as things in dreams can. I observe that I”m thinking while dreaming: That I believe it will be okay.
Then, a fire starts inside the computer. I blow the flames out and place it on my desk. It’s very small now and thick, all one piece, like an old, clunky cell phone.
The Podcast: Narcissistic Abuse Unwound
Subconscious Mind Revelations
As I’m thinking about how to keep the laptop working, it comes to my dreaming mind that it’s amazing that I do so much on this slow, chugging laptop.
And then, I marvel, still in the dream, at how I took care of the problems of the roaches and rescuing my computer, my life-line. Tgus translates to a conscious mind realization of how well I handled the nightmare escape from a sociopath. My marvelling at myself was a form of gratitude for mtself and for all the hard work this rickety-laptop does for me.
Waking Up from a Nightmare
Once awake, as I sat myself down with my morning French press so-strong-you-need-a-spoon-coffee, I wrote out my dream as it came back to me. As deeper-psyche, unseen-things from the subconscious mind, the stuff behind all the elements and happenings of the dream, fell onto the paper, lo-and-behold!
Keywords describing the real truth of the dream popped out at me, my sleeping, subconscious mind was on my side. I felt better, and better as the ideas and meaning within the dream spilled out of my still-asleep mind, rolled through my hand, and moved my favorite pencil across the clean white paper.
As I wrote down the dream-scenario of killing the bugs, what I had to do to accomplish their slaughter poured out of my subconscious mind. Thoughts I hadn’t had as I was dreaming, like, I had to chase these disgusting roaches down, to really go after these slippery, scavengers in order to win.
And, I observed that, even in fear, I was relentless, aggressive, and persistent. I didn’t give up, or let go of the conviction in what I wanted, not even in challenges that nearly stopped my heart, and filled me with consuming-dread.
And, suddenly, the magic subconscious mind’s message appeared: It wasn’t those nasty bugs I was dreaming about after all: It was me, and how I am in my life.
And the laptop in a puddle and then on fire? My response to that revealed how resilient I am. That, no matter what, I find a way. And that realization led to conscious awe and gratitude I hold for myself, and always, for turning my hideous time with a con maninto a positive.
I had on fear, no anxiety. Instead, I found myself in awe of myself, and of my life, and life itself.
A nightmare-dream reminder that I’m doing okay. And that I handle things well and am resourceful, and I can count on myself. I wouldn’t know that if I hadn’t written the dream down. Instead, I woulda been bugged by those bugs all day.
Add these to your contacts so you don’t miss a newsletter! jennifer@truelovescam.com info@truelovescam.com
As a certified coach, upholding industry standards I strive to inform, educate, invite thought and dialogue, to co-plan, co-strategize, advise, consult, refer, recommend, train, teach, guide and coach people in guided recovery and discovery specific to these crimes, and from hell and broken in the aftermath to whole again, and more. You decide what winning is.
Affiliate links are in every True Love Scam Recovery article. Clicks on these links provide minor compensation to keep the site running. www.truelovescam.com and its agents are not licensed as attorneys, medical doctors, psychiatrists, psychologists, or therapists. See the entire and full True Love Scam Recovery Privacy Policy and Legal Agreement and Disclaimer here. Thank you.
Love with a sociopath is no bed of roses. It’s not a match made in heaven. It’s from deepest hell. But: we win…
Love with a sociopath (a narcissist) starts out on a road we think is a mutual path, paved with love, where we’ll walk into our own gorgeous land of harmony and possibility like no other.
A land filled with promise like no other relationship that exists, all and only because: we are with them. This one incredible – are-you-kidding-me – amazing person. And it feels like a fairytale, a Disney princess, the Duke of Hastings, Bridgerton come alive and turned real.
When in love with a sociopath we feel that together we’re infinitely more than either of us could be apart. There’s sunshine, birds singing, rainbows – but no rain – pots of gold, blue skies, and hearts dancing and flitting around our heads like butterflies. They feel differently… they’re after your high-octane-goodness.
We Do the Things Normal People Do In Love
When we’re in love with a sociopath, we’re all in. Our new address is cloud nine.
Then naturally, as any normal person in a relationship, we relationship-build. We undertake to give, make, bake, create, fix, and take leaps of faith, and climb mountains to make things happen for us. This is normal and what one does in real relationships.
There is resolution and full restoration. What is recovery for you?
Since we believe and feel it’s real, our body is doing the things it does when real relationships happen. There’s a chemical mix of “love cocktail” that swooshes through us and it’s muddled well with the venom of their coercive control as it is injected into our veins and bones by their very presence and so, we’re locked in.
Hormones and signals that we’re in love. This naturally leads us to do and feel things that only happen when one is bonding and building a relationship.
There’s something extra going on here though…the infusion of coercive control has us seeing this as life-like-in-a-movie. Their invisible sway of influence has us trying harder. And, ultimately, staying longer feeling desperately that we can’t lose them. – There’s nothing inherently wrong with us. We’re super-de-duper normal. really, no matter your past, no matter your parents or childhood. What we are is ensnared by – that is, feeling that we’re in love with a sociopath.
The Podcast: Narcissistic Abuse Unwound
All We Need to Fall In Love
It’s easy-peasy to fall in love. Really our bodies are made for it. The Amazing Brain explains. To find a complete stranger. Reveal to each other intimate details about your lives for half an hour. Then, stare deeply into each other’s eyes without talking for four minutes.
We’re not stupid. We’re being what we are: human. A human in love. Life and love with a sociopath are far from normal. We just don’t know who’s standing next to us yet.
Love with a Sociopath is a Life of Two Parallel Realities
Without realizing it, we’re not making a magnificent masterpiece of a life on a bicycle built for two. We’re digging a gnarled, dark, deep, tangled hole into the center of hell, where we’re headed all by ourselves because the sociopath we love knows there’s no relationship.
Once we see enough, cry enough, try enough, we do end it. Sometimes they end it before we can, because a sociopath always, always knows the end is coming.
If we’re lucky, we see a glimpse of this just as the sociopath trips off into his own disgusting future with all our things on his back in a rotting knapsack we mistook for his beautiful soul.
All Normal Humans Are Emotional: There’s Nothing Wrong with Us
If we look at what went on with our emotional human brain we’ll only continue to suffer. We will never heal. Ever.
There are certain beliefs that destroy us as festering wounds after the sociopath leaves. If we’re misinformed about how amazing humans are, how normal we are, what a sociopath really is, and what that means, we may never, ever recover. Ever. — We can heal.
Here’s what will ruin us after it’s over:
Telling ourselves, or being told by others and believing:
We’re codependent, weak
Have low self-esteem
It’s our fault, we’re crazy
And stupid, and addicted to the narcissist
Blame lies with us, because we ignored red flags
There’s that “work” we need to do on ourselves
We’ve been naive, got hooked because we went through abuse as kids
And There’s More Malarkey We Hear About Our Love with a Sociopath
You’ve likely heard it…
That we pick the wrong guy or gal to fall in love with
Have a pattern of abusive relationships
Always get it wrong
We fell for it because we’re older or because our dog just died, or we’re needy
Not wanting to be alone made it happen
It happened because we wanted marriage and kids
Loving a sociopath happened because they made us feel safe
We fell for it because we don’t have enough money
Our insecurity led us to think they could help us do something or be something
We were blind, and in denial, our friends told us but we didn’t listen
And most of all, don’t we know if something’s too good to be true… it isn’t real
None of these is true. And there are very good things that are very true
How To Heal After Loving a Sociopath
There are no words to describe the feel of the life-shattering shock of realizing all was a lie. Loving a sociopath leaves us with post trauma and the need for self-compassion in order to heal truly and completely.
It takes support and encouragement and someone who can listen without judging. someone who knows what we’ve been through. It takes accurate and true information and understanding of what a sociopath is – and what we are as gorgeous, loving humane, human beings.
Add these to your contacts so you don’t miss a newsletter! jennifer@truelovescam.com info@truelovescam.com
As a certified coach, upholding industry standards I strive to inform, educate, invite thought and dialogue, to co-plan, co-strategize, advise, consult, refer, recommend, train, teach, guide and coach people in guided recovery and discovery specific to these crimes, and from hell and broken in the aftermath to whole again, and more. You decide what winning is.
Affiliate links are in every True Love Scam Recovery article. Clicks on these links provide minor compensation to keep the site running. www.truelovescam.com and its agents are not licensed as attorneys, medical doctors, psychiatrists, psychologists, or therapists. See the entire and full True Love Scam Recovery Privacy Policy and Legal Agreement and Disclaimer here. Thank you.
Different kinds of abuse in relationships aren’t as clear as we might think. Passion isn’t always love. By Zoe Parsons of @SelfLoveAfterAbuse
Different kinds of abuse in relationships make up a mind bending kaleidoscope of domestic abuse, additionally, abusers aren’t simply wounded souls.
Not only are the different kinds of abuse elusive, we hear a lot of words used to talk about abusers from narc to narcopath to narcissist but there’s more.
I found Jennifer Smith and True Love Scam Recovery on Instagram! This led me to Jennifer’s website.
I was living in different kinds of abuse for six years, it started out like any normal relationship until it became clear I’d been tricked by a man who took advantage of me and was a narcissistic abuser namely, a sociopath. Ultimately, sociopaths are pure narcissism and bring only harm.
When I met the man who deceived and used me, I didn’t know about different kinds of abuse or the things we see afterward as red flags. I thought domestic violence, abuse was a black eye. I didn’t know what sociopaths were.
Know Different Kinds of Abuse and Signs of Being Used and Abused
I didn’t know there are many different kinds of abuse with signs that come first from ourselves, and because he never gave me a black-eye, I thought our relationship was just passionate!
I’ve been free for three years now. My journey to freedom started with educating myself. If you can understand what abuse is and how it happens, it makes it easier to move forward from it and heal.
All Different Kinds of Abuse Make Us Feel Bad About Ourselves
One of the effects of the abuse was thinking badly about my self. For the first time in my life, I started to have a negative body image. After getting away, pressing charges and taking my life back I became a spokesperson for body image as an Ambassador for Be Real Campaign, U.K. So let’s talk about the different kinds of abuse I mentioned earlier.
Emotional Abuse
Emotional abuse is an attack on your emotions and feelings. If your partner makes you feel small, controlled or as if you’re unable to talk about what’s wrong, it’s abusive. it’s abusive. When we’re being stopped from expressing our self, it’s abusive. If we’re changing our actions to accomodate our partner’s behavior, there are different kinds of abuse going on.
Let’s Look at Kinds of Emotional Abuse
Calling you names and putting you down.
Yelling and screaming at you.
Intentionally embarrassing you in public.
Preventing you from seeing or talking with friends and family.
Telling you what to do and wear.
Blaming your actions for their abusive or unhealthy behavior.
Accusing you of cheating and being jealous of your outside relationships.
Threatening to commit suicide to keep you from breaking up with them.
Threatening to harm you, your pet or people you care about.
Saying things that confuse or manipulate you, this is what people call gaslighting.
Making you feel guilty when you don’t consent to sexual activity.
Threatening to expose your secrets.
Threatening to have your children taken away.
Different Kinds of Abuse Allow Us to Break Leases
Want to move to escape abuse? In Illinois you can break an apartment lease legally under the Safe Homes Act, with a letter. First, write to your landlord explaining you’re leaving due to, “credible imminent threat” under the Safe Home Act. Don’t forget, your landlord needs 30-days notice and the keys. You’re free to leave before the 30 days are up. It only takes fear of an abuser to qualify; no police report, no P.O. Be sure to find out about this in your state.
Physical Abuse
Physical abuse is any intentional and unwanted contact. Be aware, this can be objects thrown at you or fists. Sometimes it’s the wall they punch, this is still abuse. Sometimes physically abusive behavior doesn’t cause pain or leave a bruise, but it’s still physical abuse.
Scratching, pinching, punching, biting, strangling or kicking.
Throwing something at you such as a phone, book, shoe or plate.
Pulling your hair.
Shaking, pushing or pulling you.
Grabbing your clothing.
Using a gun, knife, box cutter, bat, or other weapons.
Grabbing your face to make you look at them.
Grabbing you to prevent you from leaving or to force you somewhere.
Scalding or burning you.
Spitting on you.
Forcing you to swallow something that hurts you, or medication you don’t need or drugs.
Damaging your property; throwing objects, punching walls, kicking doors.
Sexual abuse is any action that pressures or coerces you to do something sexually you don’t want to do. It can involve begging, insults, threats, force, violence, name-calling, blackmail.
Unwanted kissing or touching.
Unwanted rough or violent sexual activity.
Rape or attempted rape. This can happen within a marriage.
Refusing to use condoms or restricting your access to birth control.
Making sexual contact with you if you are very drunk, drugged, unconscious.
Threatening someone into unwanted sexual activity.
Carrying our sexual activity when we haven’t been able to say yes or no.
Pressuring or forcing you to have sex or perform sexual acts.
Pressuring you to let them a video or take photos of sexual activity or poses.
Putting you down for not having threesomes or do other things you don’t want to.
Forcing you into prostitution. Putting you down for not engaging in sexual things you don’t want to do.
And the flip side: Claiming you want sex too much, making you feel bad for wanting intimacy. Claiming impotence when there is no medical reason for it. Refusing to be intimate or sexual with you.
Financial Abuse
Financial abuse can be very subtle. It can include telling you what you can and can’t buy or requiring you to share control of your bank accounts. At no point does someone have the right to use withholding money to control you.
Giving you an allowance and closely watching what you buy.
Placing your paycheck in their account and denying you access to it.
Keeping you from seeing shared bank accounts or records.
Forbidding you to work or limiting the hours you do.
Preventing you from going to work by taking your car or keys.
Getting you fired by harassing you, your employer or coworkers on the job.
Using your details to obtain bad credit loans without your permission.
Maxing out your credit cards without your permission.
Refusing to give you money, food, rent, medicine or clothing.
Using funds from your joint savings account without your knowledge.
Spending money on themselves but not allowing you to do the same.
Giving you presents or paying for things expecting you to return the favor.
Digital Abuse
Digital abuse is the use of technology to block, bully, harass, or stalk you. Another form is, limiting or setting rules about when you can use your digital devices or contact friends or how you use social media. Remember, in a healthy relationship, all communication is respectful whether in person, online or by phone.
Tells you who you can or can’t be friends with on social media.
Sends you negative, insulting or even threatening emails or online messages.
Uses social media sites to keep constant tabs on you.
Puts you down in their status updates.
Sends you unwanted, explicit pictures and/or demands you send some in return.
Pressures you to send explicit videos or sexts.
Steals or insists on being given your passwords.
Constantly texts you and makes you feel like you can’t be separated from your phone for fear you will be punished.
Frequently looks through your phone, your pictures, texts, and outgoing calls.
Uses technology such as spyware, a GPS tracker or audio bug to monitor you.
Spiritual abuse isn’t limited to a certain religion or denomination. Any person is capable of perpetrating spiritual abuse including pastors, ministers or other representatives of a belief system or group. Some claim authority and to be the gateway to spiritual freedom that doesn’t exist without them. Sadly, in abuse, our significant other can take on this role too.
Abuse is anyone ridiculing or insulting your religious or spiritual beliefs.
Prevents you from practicing your religious or spiritual beliefs.
Uses your religious or spiritual beliefs to manipulate or shame you.
Forces the children to be raised in a faith that you have not agreed to.
Uses religious writings or beliefs to minimize or rationalize abusive behaviors, such as physical, financial, emotional or sexual abuse and marital rape.
Abuse is about controlling and using others for their own gain – not love!
Abusers will use various tactics to keep you manageable and in their “possession”. These tactics are what keep you trapped, confused, going around in circles, not knowing what’s happening. The only way to break this cycle is to remove yourself from it, you need to leave or get them removed from your home.
Passion Isn’t Always Love
You might be like me, thinking the relationship is just full of passion rather than full of many kinds of abuse. I thought maybe it was that we were culturally different, that I was doing something wrong and making him unhappy.
These kinds of abuse caused me to change myself to win his approval… You might do what I did: I stopped seeing friends and family because he said they didn’t like him, I wouldn’t wear my favorite dress anymore because he said it made men look at me. He said he did all the things he did that were truly kinds of abuse because he wanted to protect me and keep me safe because he “loved” me.
Happily Ever After Starts with Us
I want you to know that a happy ending is possible, but you won’t find it with an abusive partner or any of the different kinds of abuse in a relationship. I’ve been free three years now, and I’m happier now than ever before. He’s in prison for what he did to me, and I’m making a safe and happy life with my daughter. If I can get free, so can you!
Thank you Zoe Parsons, for sharing your story and your experience and thoughts!
Add these to your contacts so you don’t miss a newsletter! jennifer@truelovescam.com info@truelovescam.com
As a certified coach, upholding industry standards I strive to inform, educate, invite thought and dialogue, to co-plan, co-strategize, advise, consult, refer, recommend, train, teach, guide and coach people in guided recovery and discovery specific to these crimes, and from hell and broken in the aftermath to whole again, and more. You decide what winning is.
Affiliate links are in every True Love Scam Recovery article. Clicks on these links provide minor compensation to keep the site running. www.truelovescam.com and its agents are not licensed as attorneys, medical doctors, psychiatrists, psychologists, or therapists. See the entire and full True Love Scam Recovery Privacy Policy and Legal Agreement and Disclaimer here. Thank you.
Narcs, narcissists… Sociopaths care so little (meaning not at all) and take so much. They take our things but leave things behind, like herpes. There is help and hope.
Herpes brings a heart-breaking and emotional huge hit… And it always means: someone gave us herpes. And here we’re talking about yet another piece of our lives that changes because of these dirt-bag predator sociopaths… A gift that keeps on giving.
These losers ignore our birthdays but leave behind the gift of their old junk, disaster, despair, confusion… and STIs. We can and must throw away their pieces of trash and the rubble of old guitars and weird sex toys, resolve our losses and truly heal and recover all the way.
Sooooo Many People Have Herpes: For Reals
While herpes isn’t exactly cocktail party conversation it’s a good bet at least one in every six people standing there sipping a mai-tai or an Aperol spritz has herpes. Look around at work and count off six people. One of them has it.
Do the same with your family and relatives or a group of friends. – They might not be talking about it, but they’re dealing with it. – Oh, and that flat-mate with a cold sore…? That’s herpes.
Herpes comes along with feelings of shame and sadness. You’re not alone in thinking you’re ruined or “damaged goods”.
Pretty much anyone who contracts herpes goes through this. And it feels so bad when we’re sick with it. – My idea is that we can put this shame and self-devaluing aside in favor of a little more logic and calm and self-compassion.
Herpes is a virus. The first time we get sick from it feels a lot like the flu – only kinda worse. There’s no throwing up, but you might run a fever and have a horrible headache.
Herpes affects our emotions big-time. We feel depressed, exhausted, worn out, sad, hopeless, lethargic, unable to think, can’t focus – cause yah, we’re sick, and we feel just super bad.
Sound familiar? These are a lot like post-trauma emotions. Yikes. – Go to bed. Sleep. Don’t think about serious things or try to make any decisions at this time. Chill. Grab your Teddy bear.
Breaking Up With Evil
Breaking Up with Evil: Escaping Coercive Control on Amazon
Five women’s true stories of being ensnared hauled through the confusion, lies, fear, and pain, and breaking away.
Told in their own words, they leave nothing unsaid. Find validation and see new glimpses of the truth as they share their stories… Stories that could be any of ours.
The key thing is, herpes is passed from contact with someone else’s herpes outbreak. Yep and yuck. There’s no way to get it or give it aside from body-to-body contact.
Though, they do warn that herpes can come along and hop on over to our place in someone’s bodily fluids and saliva making condoms our friend. we know male sociopaths usually refuse to wear condoms. We know they lie about anything and everything, we know they don’t care. So.
For sure, It does not come from toilet seats or locker room floors. It doesn’t come from sharing a hairbrush or by hugging.
Narcissistic Abuse Unwound
Two Types of Herpes
Herpes comes in two versions: Herpes I and Herpes II. – The essential difference is one of them is on the face the other is in our underpants. The first one, around the mouth, is commonly called a “cold sore”.
Even babies can have them because even a baby can get herpes if say, an adult or older kid with herpes sore on their mouth kisses the baby. I have a friend who innocently and at first unknowingly gave her baby Herpes Simplex Virus I just this way.
Herpes II is more adult. It goes on when we get down to it while one of us has an active herpes outbreak. Intercourse or soft skin such as tongues making contact with a herpes blister or sore transmits the virus.
Saliva and bodily fluids are said to pass the virus from one person to another as well. – And we get it immediately, like in a few days from contact. There’s just no way that nasty little painful, blister thingy is not going to be passed along.
What does herpes look like? Click here. Sorry, it’s yucky.
When Is Herpes Contagious?
Herpes is most contagious when sores are open and wet when fluid from the herpes blisters is oozing. Here’s the little-known factoid: herpes can also “shed” and get passed to others when there are no sores and your skin looks totally normal.
It’s now known, that people can get herpes from saliva rather than someone who’s an active sore. For some people, the virus can live in your body for years without exhibiting symptoms.
So, it could be really hard to know when you got it or who gave it to you. But let’s be real: we know. We know.
The herpes virus is pretty sneaky just like the dirtbag. The virus dies fast-fast outside the body – holding hands, coughing, and sneezing doesn’t pass it. – It is though, part of the chickenpox and shingles family.
What to Do If We Get Herpes
Sadly, herpes is a virus that then lives in our body – forever. We may not have break-outs forever or be sick from it forever. Really. As time goes by the virus can become dormant and not bug us at all! Truly!
And guess what…? The statistics say that one in six people has herpes. That’s only the people who have reported it to a doctor or gone to a doctor for a diagnosis. So, between you and me, don’t-cha-think this figure is likely a bit higher? – In my test group of six, three had herpes. Seriously, I polled friends.
We Can Suppress the Herpes Virus
There are a few ways to suppress the herpes virus. It hibernates somewhere in the base of our spine where it nestles after we’ve contracted it.
There are three highly recommended ways to reduce how often we get sick from herpes and to help suppress the virus into remission.
There’s also traditional western chemical medicine. Sometimes a combo of all this may be preferred. Some report feeling iller from the chemical drugs prescribed by an M.D. than from the actual outbreak of herpes. You decide.
By what we eat and don’t eat.
With specific supplements.
Homeopathic medicine is an incredibly powerful and deep method.
Chemical antiviral drugs: Valtrex and others from medical doctor’s prescriptions
What is Homeopathic Medicine? Great Question!
Homeopathic medicine is amazing. Homeopathy causes our bodies, spirits, and minds to heal. – It causes our bodies to remember perfect health. Each remedy has many uses.
Each remedy has more than one ailment it can address. Every single remedy is made from a single natural compound such as platinum, or a cashew nut or from a spider or a tree bark.
Homeopathy is the main form of medicine practiced in the U.K., New Zealand, Australia and Brazil, Germany, France, and throughout western Europe. It was founded and established by Dr. Samuel Hahnemann in Germany in the 1800s.
Amazing Facts About Homeopathy
Queen Elizabeth had a Royal Homeopathic Doctor, I suspect King Charles kept them on
Prince Philip of England supports homeopathy as preventative and curative health care
Homeopathy is outrageously inexpensive. As in very low-cost medical care
Homeopathy is virtually free of side-effects
You can self-prescribe for their own condition or soemone else’s
You can go to school to become a homeopathic doctor
Homeopathy can eliminate a condition altogether rather than only treat symptoms
Where Can You Get Homeopathic Remedies?
You can find homeopathic remedies in a limited range at Whole Foods, other natural health stores, and anyone can order any remedy of any dosage or strength from Hahnemann Labs in the Bay Area in the USA.
Treating Herpes with Homeopathy
For genital herpes, some commonly used homeopathic remedies are Nitric acid, Thuja Occidentalis, Causticum, Medorrhinum, Silica.
Here’s a recommended round of remedies, from Josette Calabrese, to be taken once or twice each for up to three days at the outset of a herpes break-out to stop it, reduce the severity and ultimately suppress the herpes virus for good.
The camphor is first in the cycle and has the effect of clearing the outbreak and essentially clear the slate. Here’s Josette Calabrese’s article about homeopathy for treating herpes.
15 minutes before and after taking a homeopathic remedy don’t eat or drink anything
Turn the tube upside down
Twist the cap until 5 – 6 balls fall into the cap
Drop the balls under your tongue without touching the inside of the cap
Let them melt under your tongue until they’re completely dissolved
By the way – we can take homeopathic Arnica 30c or 200 for the ptsd in the aftermath as well. And then anytime we experience shock, trauma, loss grief, go for a surgery or are wounded. – Hey, Olympic athletes take arnica orally -as well as in topical form – when they break or sprain or pull something, and cosmeti surgeons in Los Angeles advise taking it pre-op for healing and to stop excess bleeding. I’ve had one medical doctor mention that arnica can raise blood pressure. AS with any thing we’re ingesting: Do your own research.
Antiviral Tablets from a Regular Old M.D. for Herpes
There are chemical antiviral medications by prescription only from a regular western medical doctor. We call the kind of treatments and principles behind western medical M.D.’s allopathic medicine. This medication for anyone without insurance is going to cost a bit, and it’s packed with side effects and the effect of making some people feel sicker. Hmm. Find what works for you.
Suppressing the Herpes Virus With Diet
The virus is suppressed by L-Lysine and can come to the surface and activate with too much Arginine. Lysine and Arginine are amino acids, an element of proteins naturally occurring in foods.
Foods to Avoid: Arginine Foods Can Activate Genital Herpes
Popcorn
Corn
Soy
Whole grains: oatmeal, brown rice, whole wheat, etc.
Peanuts
Pumpkin seeds
Legumes, all beans, peas, lentils, green beans, garbanzo beans
Chocolate
Jello
Turkey
Pork Loin
More than a tablespoon of spirulina a day, often found in protein drink mixes
Self-Care For Treating Herpes and Recovering When We Have an Outbreak
Additionally, always:
Drink tons of water
Add 1 tablespoon of Raw Organic Apple Cider Vinegar in a full 8oz. glass of water every day
Here’s an Amazon link for the best raw, organic Apple Cider Vinegar by Bragg’s, and you can get this for between $6 and $8 at Whole Foods or other markets
Add one half or whole fresh squeezed lemon to a full 8oz. glass of water, daily
Get good sleep regularly
Avoid sugar and packaged and processed food
Walk, do yoga, swim, hike, bicycle… nice and gentle exercise
And especially during outbreaks sleep, sleep, and sleep and:
Avoid stress – skip watching the news
Dodge things that make you sad during outbreaks, sad music, nostalgia, sentimental thinking, and emotionalism
Side-step conflicts, confrontations, and upsetting things
Save making serious decisions for another day when you feel well again
Hope this helps!
These Scum Bags Are Nothing but Scum
So – this is another reality that hits some of us from these hijackings. There’s so much to understand, and manage, new ways to think about what went on, and lots of health care that never crossed our radar before from extreme weight loss, weight gain, PTSD, candida, and yeast infections… Geez-Louise.
You can do it. We can win. You’re human: gorgeous inside and out and imperfectly perfect. Carry on. Embrace your life with compassion. Love yourself. Time to thrive.
Add these to your contacts so you don’t miss a newsletter! jennifer@truelovescam.com info@truelovescam.com
As a certified coach, upholding industry standards I strive to inform, educate, invite thought and dialogue, to co-plan, co-strategize, advise, consult, refer, recommend, train, teach, guide and coach people in guided recovery and discovery specific to these crimes, and from hell and broken in the aftermath to whole again, and more. You decide what winning is.
Sociopaths’ sexual boundaries. Vague, twisting, bending, illusion. Sociopaths’ gender and sexuality is fluid. Sociopaths play with anyone in their path. Seducing vampires in human skin.
Sociopaths’ sexual boundaries change with their prey. This might seem a bit odd, but remember from our point of view, everything about a sociopath (even if you’re calling them a narcissist) is odd.
What I mean by this is that sociopaths have hidden netherworlds that not every one of us gets to see. Or more to the point, they have habits and tendencies that are not shown to every one of their prey. They decide prey by prey how much of their debauchery and what “flavor” of their sexuality to let out of the bag.
Sociopaths’ Sexual Expression
Sociopaths present a “persona of normal”. They piece this persona together as best they can. They wear this face so they can walk this earth among us.
It seems these dull-witted creatures have gathered the significant tips that they need in order to hook us. in that every sociopath knows that they must “put out” sexually in order to best ensnare prey… Because sex is important and signifies a real connection to us.
To establish a “romantic relationship” naturally, sex would need to be part of this in order for us to believe we’re in something real… Something real and normal. They know this.
Their sexual boundaries, their sexuality, and their sexual expression as presented to each prey are a part of what they use to bind people to them.
Sociopaths’ Sexual Pull Ensnares the People they Use
The pathological user’s sexual boundaries, their sexuality, and their sexual expression – as presented to each prey – are a part of what they use to bind people to them.
Remember: this too is a presentation, a facade… Until you get to the heart of their dark sexuality. Then you’e see that they ignore prey sexually, use prey for sexual entertainment including violence, use sex as blackmail, a binding tool and that they “put it out” absolutely anywhere they feel a an urge to.
No matter their outward gender, no matter the gender of a target, sociopaths coax out the same trust. Lure in, and administer the same feigned care, take with the same malevolent agenda.
The Podcast: Narcissistic Abuse Unwound
The Sexual Facade Is There For Us All
They execute the same duplicity. Evoke the same pain. Elicit the same fear. Let slip the same bone-chilling words that reveal what they really are, in truth so evil our good and sweet normal minds reject it.
He’d empty his pockets littering the dresser; the cards scattered like grubby, smeared candy wrappers. Evidence. Cards from Nikki, Janet, Mike, Simone, Tony, Darren, Heidi… an in-take of men and women. Party favors from a good night’s prowl.
Our head spins. This is trauma. The world as we know it, and our place in it, sliding out from under us. And being the gorgeous humans that we are, we must reconcile their bizarre words with what’s right and good. This is normal. They aren’t.
Breaking Up With Evil
Breaking Up with Evil: Escaping Coercive Control on Amazon
Five women’s true stories of being ensnared hauled through the confusion, lies, fear, and pain, and breaking away.
Told in their own words, they leave nothing unsaid. Find validation and see new glimpses of the truth as they share their stories… Stories that could be any of ours.
Sociopaths’ Sexual “Anything” Has Nothing to Do with Love or Normal
Seeing sociopaths’ sexual boundaries and gender as an open-ended expanse, colored in and molded to fit whichever prey dangles in their claws, is a hideous revelation.
This is a hard one to accept, but as I made my escape, I absorbed the truth of this. In the earlier days after I kicked him out, I had to gather evidence for my green card fraud annulment so I contacted every woman I knew of that he was involved with. Each and everyone that I suspected as an “other woman”.
Head-Spinning Revolting Discoveries From Other Prey
A sociopaths’ sexual reality is another piece of the mask that falls away, another bottom that drops.
Among the flock of women he kept in his grip, one of the designated fiancés asked me, is he bisexual? One of his girlfriends asked, is he gay? There were more… it went on for months.
Standing frozen with my phone to my ear, another so-called fiancé of my so-called husband told me, …yah, we’d get really drunk and he’d f–k me in the a-s every night. A wall slammed shut somewhere inside me. I couldn’t hear any more. Not another word before my mind broke.
Their Stories Spin Our World
It was more than I could take without losing my balance. My head spun, the earth fell out from under me, and another part of me opened up to a whole different picture of this Mr. Charming, this amazing husband of mine.
A part of me knew this was the truth, this was the creature I was married to. I was married to a lying, deceiving, hideous “thing”. I grabbed on fast to that truth and let it save me.
Con Men Sociopaths Reject Prey Sexually
All the while, early on the sociopath con man I married refused to be sexual with me. Mingled in with the confusion and pain of this, his rejection brought out a compulsion, a desire to please, to appease him.
Bizarrely I’d been dragged by his story telling into a sickening moment of the only sexual intimacy I ever really had with him, not an experience I enjoyed, but one purely for his pleasure.
Hoping to bring intimacy back in place as it should be in a marriage, I’d risk a glance his way, try to get in a word, linger in a room where he was, try to touch his hand. Wanting so badly to seem natural, casual and to hit-it just right so it wouldn’t make him mad, but would make things normal. It didn’t work.
I discovered that the sexual rejection by a sociopath does something that lands us right in the palm of their hands. Our feelings of rejection while under their spell falls in their favor. They observe this. They can’t comprehend why or how it works exactly… but they know it.
The thing is, any and all of our normal reactions are what land things to their side of the court. In this case, sexual rejection, and rejection of intimacy, rather than leading us to break up with them immediately, first – and maybe for a long time – makes us try harder. The desire for connection consumes us, then desire becomes drenched with pain, and then it’s only pain.
Normal Means Giving the Benefit of the Doubt
I also spent time giving the benefit of the doubt. I looked for answers that didn’t include straight-out rejection. Hopping onto the internet, googling away, I discovered something called sexual anorexia, or intimacy anorexia.
This is a condition that keeps people from intimacy with their primary partner but renders them highly promiscuous. The other listed traits of intimacy anorexia, such as childhood abuse (he claimed), and all the rest fit what I’d seen or been told by him about himself. With a very heavy heart, I decided this was the problem. The heavy, sad weight of what I saw as my future can’t be described.
Normal Couples Face Things Together
I imagined – and feared – facing this together overcoming this as a couple. Talking about this was not simple and came with dread. I think this dread was an effect of the quliaty of their presence rather than what I might have felt if her were a normal person with actual sexual anorexia.
Then one evening the right timing seemed to be in place, somehow not only was he at home and not busy fiddling around online or in another room, but the topic of our non-sex life was open. This was as far as our intimacy ever went and it was rare. I knew this would be my only chance to try and talk about it.
In our first months together he’d sit up until early in the morning talking and talking. I’d sometimes sit on the floor at his feet, his simpering, agreeable audience. I have no idea why I sat at his feet. My knees bent on their own spontaneously and I lowered to the base of his chair to the carpet.
We Do What We’d Never Otherwise Do Under Their Spell
I’d never in my life sat at anyone’s feet with one exception: I sat in the same way at the feet of one other man years before… I now also know this other man was also a sociopath.
So, as I folded to the floor, inside myself I thought how odd this was and wondered at it still. I could see myself in my mind’s eye in this pitiful, weak, bizarre position and setting. Who was this? It felt like a play or a dream that I wasn’t dreaming but that played in my mind moving me through it like a marionette.
Sitting on the floor at the end of the couch where he was laid out so that I was as “next to him” as I ever got at this point, I gently, quietly said, it could be sexual anorexia…
I stopped myself short as his face pulled into a contortion like a wild dog showing its fangs. He spat at me, whisper-hissed and snarled in disgust somehow mingled with a smirk and amusement at the idea of my stupid notion, tttsssszzz, sexual anorexia!
A Sociopath is Never in the Room for the Reason We Are
I didn’t say another word. I had seen his ind at work. Rather than being hurt by this rabid rejection and disdain, I observed him. He was exhibiting glee at a new discovery mingles with amusement that I was seriously looking for reasons fo this sexual absences other than because he’s a sociopath and this is what they do. In other words, he was proud and pleased and amused that I still considered him an actual normal human and was taking the time to “solve our problem” as a couple!
So, he saw that I was still hooked… and: he discovered a new thing he could claim as a excuse for not having sex with hie prey. I had given him something he could use. Something he hadn’t known about that would draw empathy for normal people and buy him time in their lives.
He was also laughing at how preposterous it was that I thought he might have this condition when in fact, he was highly sexually active, though never with me. My sincere confusion and pain over this was a sign to him that I was deeply hooked and still “in”. This is what every sociopath needs to monitor. I’d done his work for him (again) by bringing up this concern it proved to him that I was indeed locked into place and saw him as “normal”…. or normal enough to still be there.
Normal Tires, Fixes, and Stays
My genuine worry and attempt to “fix us” showed to him that I was “in place” as prey. He had no interest in a discussion about it. His response was motivated by his preference that I shut up, and it had his desired effect.
He had no such problem as sexual anorexia, but me spending time thinking that he did in essence paid the way for his presence in my life for a few weeks more in which he well and truly tore things up.
By the violence of his response, I’d say for certain that my attempt to talk about it also signaled to him that things were wearing thin for me, that I was closer to that moment when the spell breaks than he’d like. It meant he needed to move quickly to take more, which he did. And indeed, 90-days later I kicked him out. – This dynamic is what’s actually happening in any scene or moment with a sociopath.
Confusion Stays and Pain Remains
His compulsive and predatory sexual-hunting glared in the crinkled business cards he collected and carried home like little prizes of potential. He’d empty his pockets littering the dresser; the cards scattered like grubby, smeared candy wrappers. Evidence. Cards from Nikki, Janet, Mike, Simone, Tony, Darren, Heidi… an in-take of men and women. Party favors from a good night’s prowl.
In retrospect, looking at it from the psyche of a sociopath, and when put together with the things his “other” women had said, What I realized was he’d been talking about himself.
He spent the next day sorting the cards, shuffling them in his paws while he sucked on a Heineken. He passed them off as potential “business connections”. – He was big on networking.
Sociopaths’ sexuality is rampant, in my hell it showed up in a string of gold foil-wrapped condoms that fell from his pocket as he undressed at 5:00 in the morning after one particular night’s prowl.
This happy event took place on Valentine’s Day morning, with nothing else to mark the day aside from my discovery made as he lay snoring, drooling onto his pillow on the couch.
Sociopaths are Highly Sexual and Sex is Their High
Hands shaking, stuffing the longer string of prophylactics back into his pocket, I let two golden, shiny condom packets that were on their own unattached to the others lay on the carpet at the back left leg of the chair his pants were dangling from. It looked like they’d fallen from his pocket on their own.
Coercive Control Arises Spontaneously From Their Influence
The sexual dynamic we’re drawn into with a sociopath, what we accommodate or bring ourselves to tolerate under their spell is never our normal. It is theirs.
People tend to think of coercive control as the obvious blackmail or threat, If you don’t do this, I’ll that! kind of tit-for-tat orders. It can be. But it isn’t born of that and does not first begin like this.
Our morphing how we are and what we prefer to fit them is in fact the coercive control And we do it mostly without ever being asked. This is the very confusing an heartbreaking aspect of the power of sociopaths. It’s the bit that makes us ache in agony and wonder how we could have done what we did.
Coercive Control In Sex Or In the Kitchen is Identical
The fact is the element of, and the effect of coercive control kicks in the moment we think they’re attractive, nice, cute or funny. It kicks in the moment we meet even if we don’t think they’re cute, if they keep at us for about 10 to 14 days, it’s possible we flip in that two weeks. We’re in. It’s a grip that comes from their very breath and infiltrates our very being before we can say Bob’s your uncle.
This is normal and very, very misunderstood. This is why people on the outside looking at us in a mess on the floor afterward can only shake their heads. It’s why we rail in tears when by ourselves, muttering, why did I, and I should have. It’s what leads us to believe it’s all our fault… and what some feel entitled to say happened because of our “lack of boundaries”. They are wrong.
Please know what ever we did under their spell is normal. Everything we did, whatever it was, is okay. That everything will be okay.
Add these to your contacts so you don’t miss a newsletter! jennifer@truelovescam.com info@truelovescam.com
As a certified coach, upholding industry standards I strive to inform, educate, invite thought and dialogue, to co-plan, co-strategize, advise, consult, refer, recommend, train, teach, guide and coach people in guided recovery and discovery specific to these crimes, and from hell and broken in the aftermath to whole again, and more. You decide what winning is.
Affiliate links are in every True Love Scam Recovery article. Clicks on these links provide minor compensation to keep the site running. www.truelovescam.com and its agents are not licensed as attorneys, medical doctors, psychiatrists, psychologists, or therapists. See the entire and full True Love Scam Recovery Privacy Policy and Legal Agreement and Disclaimer here. Thank you.
Used and abused are never excused. Be sure it’s the abuser who takes the blame and the fall. Finally, let’s expose this phenomenon for what it is.
Used and abused is something people kept quiet about. And earlier still, it wasn’t thought of as “bad”; it was okay for example, to beat your wife. These days we know this isn’t okay by any means.
At this point, abuse is talked about in terms of what is “done to us” by an abuser. We speak about it from the angle of what the abuser is doing.
Signs We’re Used or Abused: The New Lexicon Around It
This is prevalent now, and we’ve got a 21st-century lexicon to describe abuse, and what the narcissistic abuser has done.
We’ve got the new language to talk about abuse; what that person did and said to us meant to describe and determine if we’re used or abused.
These are the words our moms and grandmas didn’t have. These new words, “devalue”, “discard”, “gaslight”, and “hoover” are meant as proof that we’re abused and describe what’s being done to us by an abuser.
Abuse is talked about as “love bombing, ghosting, punishing, mirroring, projecting, devaluing, discarding”. Abusive partners belittle us, lie to us, cheat on us, and take our money. Then, order us around, make us cry, and do stuff just to make us mad.
They always break promises. It seems like they like to hurt us. Abusers throw things at us, yell, disappear, and so much worse. And mostly it’s all so much more indefinable.
The problem with this viewpoint is, that it makes their behavior the problem. Isn’t the real problem that we’re miserable? We can point at what they do all we like, but how does this help us?
Breaking Up With Evil
Breaking Up with Evil: Escaping Coercive Control on Amazon
Five women’s true stories of being ensnared hauled through the confusion, lies, fear, and pain, and breaking away.
Told in their own words, they leave nothing unsaid. Find validation and see new glimpses of the truth as they share their stories… Stories that could be any of ours.
In friendships and work situations and in love, normal people stay. Normal people try when things are tough. And try more.
That’s what normal, amazing, gorgeous humans are wired to do. It’s what we’re taught to do. There’s nothing wrong with us. There’s everything right with us.
It’s just that we can’t recognize the horror or the mortuary of a mind that sits inside a predator sociopath’s head until we see it in particular and stark contrast to normal.
We don’t see it until “normal” isn’t working to change any of the problems between us. — That’s normal. It takes as long as it takes.
The Podcast: Narcissistic Abuse Unwound
A Definition of Abuse Based on How we Feel Rather than What They Do
The tell-tale signs of abuse, or of being used by someone who cannot love, show up in more reliable ways than in the behaviors of the abuser. We can call them a narcissist, a narc, a narcopath.
By any name we might label them with, their behavior is that of a sociopath. and the fact is, that the abuse and predatory dynamics show up in messages from our bodies and in our emotions immediately. We don’t always recognize these signals for what they are. The sooner we can open to the possibility that this is something we’ve never seen before, know next to nothing about, and be willing to take in what it might be, the better.
1. We Feel Like We’re in a Movie:
This relationship, finding this person, life with this person feels lifted out of reality in the best way! Out at a restaurant, a party, or even going grocery shopping with them feels like we’re living out scenes from a movie.
Relationships are said to be “hard”. People say relationships take “work”. In my experience: When it’s right, it’s easy and bad behavior or feeling bad is never part of the equation.
2. We Feel Like We Can’t Live Without Them:
Much to our own surprise, we feel we’ll die without them. In a dramatic figurative way… and kinda literally. We feel panic at the thought of never seeing them again, and, this emotion of our own, inspired by them, is what hooks us hard.
The deep hook happened like this: I sat a few feet from the con man. We’d known each other three days. I knew he had to fly back to his own country in a few months. At the thought of his leaving a sense of panic that I’d never see him again roiled up from the pit of my gut. Surprised by this creeping dread rising to take me over, I pulled in a breath to ask,“When’s your ticket back?’” He paused, looked up from under his lowered brows, then uttered a departure date barely two weeks away.
Tsunamis of emotion crashed together in my body. Profound all-consuming panic that I’d never see him again hit up against knowing this was an absurd way to feel, and a third thought wondering why I panicked crashed into those. But, I got no answer. Before I could get myself together, his voice, low and dark came through the fog, intimacy slicing my skin and dripping into my bones, “You’re afraid you’ll never see me again aren’t you?”
Fear ran through me; all I could do was try to look normal. I felt small. There were no words I could say. I willed my head to make a single nod. I surprised myself again when a barely voiced, “Yaaaaaaa,” dribbled from my mouth on the one wisp of air left in my lungs. We were married four days later. He didn’t take that flight.
3. We Feel Confused:
Our bodies on a primal, instinctive level know something’s wrong when we’re entrapped in a scam relationship. It’s our social and cultural mind that has to catch up.
Foggy-brained, we wonder if things are what we think they are. It’s natural and the way our brains are wired to rationalize and make exceptions or excuses for their behavior and for how we feel. Because they’re pathological, this normal human function is exaggerated and bent further to their favor.
Without being super aware of it, we change our ideas about what’s “okay”. We even bend our idea of what a relationship is meant to be in order to make this one continue. This is normal under their invisible influence of coercive control.
4. We Feel Disconnected: Communication is Spotty or Painful:
We feel stupid and like we’re a bother for trying to talk with them. It’s rare we talk together about anything real.
Conversation sticks on shallow or it’s only about household things. It’s texts that fizzle into emojis and arguments. We’re ignored – sometimes for days at a time. They blame us for why they won’t talk to us.
When is “bad” bad enough to trust our gut and our feelings over their behavior? To leave one of these parasitic users it takes a certain moment when a switch flips.
5. We Feel Shut Out – There Are “Mystery” People:
We feel compartmentalized. While we build the relationship we’re hitting roadblocks… in the form of attention they give to other people.
They explain a person they message late at night as a “friend” or say, “she’s my sister” or an “ex” that won’t leave them alone. We know something is wrong… That nagging feeling that they have someone else in their life is profound. This is beyond a “girlfriend”. This is a deeper secret. Some block us from their social media, and rage if we post photos of us together.
How bad does it get before we gather the clarity and courage to go? As bad as it needs to be. It takes as long as it takes. There’s nothing wrong with us.
6. We Feel at Arm’s Length:
Somethings missing. As much as we think we know them and their lives, there are many, many holes in the picture.
Maybe we don’t know where they live exactly or what they do for work exactly. There’s a pattern – even a pattern of uncertainty, or abrupt changes in the time we spend together.
We’re not sure where they drive off to when they leave us. We see him or her only late on Wednesdays and sometimes Friday night and only at our place.
He talks about us getting married, but… it stays out of reach. – Or we live in different towns or different countries.
7. We Feel Ganged-Up On:
We’re left hung out to dry. When the arguments and conflicts that come up between us are shared with friends or family might side with others against us.
Their family or so-called friends sabotage our plans or our efforts to bring the family together or to fix problems in the relationship. We’re sucker-punched by it every time.
We feel sad and stupid for wanting to know normal things like when they’ll be home. Or when we’re really going to meet. We suspect they aren’t where they say.
They say it’s a meeting they’re running off to, but… They say they’re going out of town for work, but… She said it was a trip to see her mom, but… it feels offand we feel bad. It’s like we’re constantly stepping out for the next stair and nothing is there.
9. We’re Not Fulfilled: Intimacy is Absent, Exaggerated, Forced, or Conditional:
The bond doesn’t deepen as the days go by. We have sex, but it starts to feel impersonal, sad or bad, and lonely. Or they won’t have sex with us and they get mad if we try to heat things up.
They tell us they can’t be “intimate” – for some reason. There’s a shifting of the issue onto us: they tell us we want too much sex or sex too much. Or they force sex. Maybe they video us, or ask if someone can join in… You might pretty much know they’re doing it with someone else.
We feel despondent and also desperate to please them in the absence of real intimacy. The natural thing that occurs is that within our minds we begin to substitute small things as signs of big closeness and as a sign that they do love us after all.
We start to think we’re super-loved by them when they do something super-small – like take the garbage out.
Tiny things take the place of intimate depth. We try harder, cook better, bake more, wash better, make more money, hurry faster, and give again and again. This is normal; there is nothing wrong with us. Staying is normal, trying is normal. Nothing changes, however, except we feel more and more alone and sad and worthless. Yet, eventually, this is what feeds into the whole thing falling apart.
Staying Silent is Normal
Sometimes the greatest lies are told in silence. We feel ashamed, hurt, isolated, and alone when they come at us in sex on overdrive. Drugs might become a way to cope with the unwanted or “off” sexual scenarios.
We try to convince ourselves dominance and ropes or sex only on Wednesday afternoons, or only if we’re “good” is okay.
We try to convince ourselves that one thing they want to do… is okay – when really, we don’t like it and don’t want it we feel stranded on an island of pain floating further and further away from love. And further and further from our life as we know or want it.
Emotions are messages from our body; feelings are how our mind feels about those emotions. The meaning we give them leads us to safety or trouble.
Pulled in many directions we float, almost out-of-body, and try to collect the pieces. We’re caught between our partner and our kids, between our partner and our parents.
There’s a panic, a lump of nausea in our gut, we try to bring things into focus, into line. We try to meet the regular needs of our kids, work, and family, and at the same time feel out of step with our partner and everything else.
Our mind is on figuring out the indefinable needs of our partner, resolving the rough bits, and making things look happy and great to everyone else. Mostly we feel like we’re failing, sinking. Constantly agitated and anxious, we hope no one notices.
11. We’re Uneasy: There’s Fighting and the Silent Treatment:
The bottom line is, that we’re afraid and apprehensive, cautious about how we approach them. If we ask where they went or if they’ve got $95 dollars to pay the cable bill the roof gets blown off the house with their indignant anger.
Ask why they came home so late and then don’t talk to us for three days. Wonder out loud why the gas tank is already on empty and we’re treated to rage from hell. – Sometimes even certain words we use make them angry.
Normal humans take responsibility for the problems in a relationship. The thing is, we aren’t in relationships when these things are going on. We’re hijacked by a user.
We feel like we might get something wrong and upset them. Certain “rules” or patterns fall into place and seem expected. We can’t break the rhythm that’s been set, a routine that caters to them. Maybe they tell us what to wear, or not wear. Where to go, or not go. When we can talk to our mom or tell us not to talk to our mom. Maybe… they get physical or make threats.
13. Abused Leads us to Feel We’re in the Wrong or We’re the Problem:
Feeling it’s our fault makes us feel like we don’t fit in, even in our own home. If we bring up the troubling thoughts on our minds, they tell us we’re imagining things They say if trusted them, didn’t question them, or could be patient, everything will be fine. They tell us because we’re so suspicious we’re ruining everything. We feel worse, nothing is resolved, and we feel less and less “at home”.
They say the most ridiculous things, and we try to make sense of them. That’s what “normal” does. Our brain and body do this naturally. We need things to make sense. We need harmony.
14. We Feel Like They Don’t Care About Important Things In Our Life:
In abuse, “supported” and “heard” go by the wayside; things we care about don’t faze them. Things in our lives we’d expect the person we’re dating or married to have an opinion about seem to never hit their radar. We get no response, or an odd reaction when our goldfish or our mom dies instead of any level of compassion.
We might get a blank stare, or a shrug and a grumble that doesn’t fit the circumstances – leaving us feeling like we’re falling through the air.
The fact is, our concerns and problems irritate them and put them on the spot. Our emotions threaten them from getting what they want. Sociopaths cannot relate to, feel, or understand the feelings we have. They truly don’t care. We see this in how they walk away so easily.
15. Things Aren’t a Two-Way Street:
We feel let down and like the only one “giving”. Things are one way for them and another for us. We feel like we don’t count. They can use our car or take our money to go meet someone for lunch, but we can’t freely borrow their iPad let alone their car (if they have one.) – When they do use our things they “adopt” them as if our Kindle or book bag is now theirs.
Maybe we do their laundry or stop by and feed their dog, but they’re unreliable or absent in support of us. Their birthday is a big deal, ours is usually not.
Typically on any holiday, we get nothing from them. We’re tending to their needs – and it seems expected, while they ignore our needs – unless – by reciprocating they get money, access to others they can make use of, or a place to live or something else they need or want.
16. We Feel We’re Being Lied To:
Things aren’t adding up. When they say certain things there’s a lurch in the pit of our stomach that floats up to shimmer in the back of our mind: something is not right. – And then sometimes they say the oddest things, that make no sense like: “You only think you love me. If you knew who I really was you wouldn’t love me.”
17. We Feel Like We’re in a Nightmare:
We know we have no idea what’s going on. This is like nothing we’ve ever known. We did what people do in relationships and tried, and tried, and nothing changed. Then we’re scared. – Now, instead of feeling, that we’ll die without them, we feel we’ll die because of them.
Confusion, Exclusion, and Fear Signal We’re Being Used
These feelings signal this person isn’t into us for a normal or genuine reason. We’ve been put in a box for their personal use or gain and “normal” is never going to happen. Confusion and self-doubt are symptoms of the trauma and post-trauma of the deception and emotional or physical harm and of being used.
These feelings signal our “mate” has a life they keep us from. They more than likely have a past or current life we know nothing about.
They’re often married, usually live with someone, and have children we don’t know about. Have habits that are destructive, criminal records, or behavior that should be a crime if it isn’t.
Having these feelings within a relationship or friendship indicates our friend or partner is what people call a “narcissist”, from the DSM definitions of NPD. – But is usually a much more serious danger, an antisocial psychopath, known as a sociopath commonly a con man, a scammer. – Sociopaths cannot have genuine relationships and only bring inevitable harm.
Trust Our Gut: Our Instincts Have Real Meaning
We don’t have a feeling that something’s wrong for no reason. This feeling itself is proof that something is wrong. – Proof you’re being disrespected, deceived, and worse. These pathological users make use of others and have no genuine feelings of care or love for any others. They have no physiological, biological, mental, or emotional capacity to have these feelings. They never have and never will. – This is not because of us – it’s because of them.
Our feelings are proof. There’s no more proof needed. People like this cannot change. A sociopath wouldn’t want to change if they could.
This is a situation that will only escalate in harm and danger to us. It could be said these aren’t relationships, but an invasion or take-over for the convenience of the user. – A crime of deception. We’re being used.
Trust our gut. We don’t have these feelings without reason. Stand up for our lives. Give ourselves the benefit of the doubt. We’re worthy and deserve all good things in life and love.
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