These creatures infamously talk up a storm.
It’s a trademark of a narcissist or sociopath.
Contact is their full-time work to ensnare,
entrap, and keep prey locked in place.
Gaslighting. That confusing babble that oozes from their gobs nonstop. This tirade of conflicting and hurtful and ridiculous nonsense, unfortunately, spins us up off our feet and into a frenzy of trying to “talk about it”. We want to talk it out and resolve their concerns. So kind of us; so normal.
Continue readingIt’s normal to trust, believe and care.
It’s 100% abnormal not to.
We can’t understand abnormal by looking at it from normal.
So, let’s look at it for their side without our rose-colored glasses.
Narcissistic people who are in the zone of pathological narcissism know that they don’t have relationships. Even though they step up to us with this mesmerizing zinger, I’ve never met anyone like you before. They know they’re not stepping into a real relationship. We think they are; that we are.
The thing is, they aren’t saying what we think they’re saying. We naturally hear one thing, but they mean another. They don’t want a relationship, not even when they say, you’re my soulmate. Want to know why this is…?
Continue readingWhat is recovery coaching with me like? What do we do? What’s my approach..? I’m asked these or similar questions sometimes and the simple answer is: we start where you are and go from their. Every session is unique to the person I’m speaking with.
Continue readingHealthy relationships are the thing that makes life joyful.
A good life is all about healthy relationships.
Relationships are meant to be enjoyable and to enhance our lives. It’s normal to want to have someone in your life! When we first meet a potential partner, we want to spend a lot of time with them. In a healthy relationship, things move at a comfortable pace.
In a healthy or genuine relationship, there’s a kind of excitement and pleasure that’s comfortable. They’re on your mind, yet you still can manage and pay attention to your daily life and your self-care. You feel comfortable telling your friends about this new person in your life.
If this is a healthy dynamic and the beginning of a healthy relationship, you don’t feel rushed, pressured, or overwhelmed. There’s no “swept-up” confusion. There’s no feeling that you have to “catch up” or “do” something or make some kind of commitment “now” – or else.
Continue readingCan we smell a narcissist?
Does the sociopath have a certain aroma?
As their abnormal brain affects their physiology…
how does it show up?
These are entirely different “humans”. The way they think, speak, and behave is not a “choice”. It’s instinctive. Their fundamental “self” is wired to use and take and get whatever they need and want. This “self” is pathological… meaning they’re driven by their brains which are not normal, yet are quite specific.
I wonder, since the sociopath’s abnormal brain affects their physiology how does this show up in all parts of their being? We know a lot of the things that they each have in common as creatures of this sort. (Or the “narcissist’s” if you’re on that terminology even with all it’s pitfalls and misconceptions.)
They’re fundamentally and pathologically identical monster to monster.
Continue readingCan you smell a sociopath?
Does a narcissist have a certain aroma?
As their abnormal brain affects their physiology…
how does it show up?
These are entirely different “humans”. The way they think, speak, and behave is not a “choice”. It’s instinctive. Their fundamental “self” is wired to use and take and get whatever they need and want. This “self” is pathological… meaning they’re driven by their brains which are not normal, yet are quite specific.
I wonder since the sociopath’s abnormal brain affects their physiology how does this show up in all parts of their being? We know a lot of the things that they each have in common as creatures of this sort.
They’re fundamentally and almost thoroughly identical pathological beast to pathological monster. For example, we know in their heads lies are real and real is made up.
Continue readingBoundaries, rules, etiquette, manners,
behavior we expect and approve and accept.
They’ve been here in societies and cultures forever.
Why are we suddenly talking about “boundaries”?
And shaming some for not “having boundaries”
meant to stop others from bad behavior?
Let’s talk about “boundaries”. This is another current term and concept that drives me bonkers. Here’s why: “boundaries” is a concept that has come up only relatively recently. Its appearance is a piece of the human attempt to figure out and manage those who don’t heed natural and normal boundaries.
Continue readingPTSD can bring nightmares and dreams.
As scary as some of them are…
Rest assured everything about our bodies is on our side,
including our subconscious sleeping mind.
PTSD, dreams, nightmares… To sleep, perchance to dream… After these hijackings we look to sleep as a respite from all the daytime whirling thoughts. Our bodies need more sleep. Sleep as much as your bodies desires as you heal and extract them from your bones.
During PTSD we want to sleep and sleep and sleep. And we need to. We aren’t being lazy, or avoiding moving on; we are healing and we are moving on. – All that extra sleep heals PTSD and is purposeful. Not only our our bodies designed to heal us in sleep, those dreams we have are on our side as well.
Continue readingNo-contact is outside our comfort zone.
It’s a new skill that our
wellbeing depends on.
No contact is extremely unnatural and feels completely weird. Cutting someone off isn’t our “normal”. Normal people don’t just ghost. As normal limbic-brained humans, our biological wiring compels us to connect and care.
There’s a deep internal connection thing that goes on spontaneously between ourselves and others. It isn’t easy for us to drop someone like a hot potato.
Continue readingThe silent treatment from
a narcissist or sociopath is a trademark.
It feels torturous and punishing,
but what is its real purpose?
The dreaded silent treatment. This wall of silence is a trademark of the sociopath (the narcissist) that we gave it a name, the silent treatment. It’s crazy-making, makes you feel sad and frustrated, mad, and feel very small. If you’ve been dating or living with a sociopath (a narcissist) no doubt, this vile torture has come your way.
Is it day three and you have no clue where your boyfriend is?
Did the girlfriend storm out the door last Wednesday and she hasn’t answered your calls three days later?
Is the husband walking right past you in the kitchen, the living room, sleeping in another room as if you aren’t there?
If you can say yes to any of the above, or anything like it…it’s natural to feel like s**t and be so very sad, and to wonder, why?!
Decoding their actions from
beyond how you feel because of their actions
brings real answers.
The standard way of trying to make sense of it – using how we feel to interpret their intention behind their actions – falls far short of what’s really going on in their noggins.
This misunderstanding of their intention leaves you in a swirl of pain and confusion. – And sorry to say their real purpose isn’t very nice either, but it’s the truth. The truth we can heal from. The misunderstanding keeps you in ongoing pain.
Why do they throw up the silent treatment? It’s intentional…deliberate… and feels punishing. But, what is the actual intention? What purpose does the silence serve the ever-self-absorbed pathological user? Is it deliberate torture or punishment from their point of view…?
A key to untangling this hellish mystery is in reviewing the moments that led to the silence, asking: what went on right before the silence? The other key to it is found in really understanding how every pathological user thinks.
So, think back to when you were treated to silence. What happened just before this? There’s only one simple thing going on for the sociopath or the narcissist when they drop the words and become a wall of ice. And a second delicious morsel that falls into their lap out of our gorgeous-normal-ness.
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Five women’s true stories of being ensnared hauled through the confusion, lies, fear, and pain, and breaking away.
Told in their own words, they leave nothing unsaid. Find validation and see new glimpses of the truth as they share their stories… Stories that could be any of ours.
In most cases just before the demon clams up there’s been a few words exchanged. You’ve been disappointed, let down, and suspicious of them about something that they’ve done with another woman or man. Maybe you’ve found out that there’s some confusion about where some money went and you’re thinking, that’s odd…
Barely believing they could be doing -that thing- that flashes through your mind for a tiny second. Not wanting to believe they could have slept with so-and-so, or that they really took your hard-earned cash, or went out of town without you even knowing it.
And, so you try to talk to them about your discovery, about your feelings, about your thoughts, about your disappointment… and most revolting to them of all, you give a talk about your expectations of them as the person (you think) you’re in a relationship with.
The truth is, they know this isn’t a relationship. They do know that you think it is, whatever “relationship” means because they surely have no idea what that is, have never experienced one, and never will and wouldn’t want to. So in all reality…the reality is, they have nothing to say.
So, what happens next is that this gets them hot under the collar, and they really want you to shut up. The questions are not going to have answers you’ll like – they know this. And they want you to stop asking, stop probing, and go away. Since we won’t stop yapping (their notion of our talking) instead… they shut up.
Then what? Since they won’t talk, we end up having no one to talk to, and low and behold: we shut up. Exactly what they wanted. This, this magic thing is what they’re after when they pour on the silent treatment: they want us to shut up. – You can feel punished if you want to… they won’t mind, as long as you zip-it.
And there you are left in the emotional soup. This soup as it turns out serves as another benefit for the pathological user. It’s an element of them going silent that then pans out to their benefit.
As per usual, our normal is turned to their benefit, not due to any particular skill of theirs, but because this is the toxicity and harm of the pathological colliding with the normal human.
This silent treatment stirs intense spontaneous emotions from within us – this is normal. One of those emotions is naturally, stunned hurt – which we perceive as punishment.
The silent treatment is crazy-making and makes you feel sad and frustrated, mad, and feel very insignificant… And there’s a further bit that follows along after our normal emotional response which the ever-parasitic sociopath has noticed: it makes us try harder. It keeps us locking in and reaching out.
Being ignored by the sociopath (narc) strikes an internal cord that brings an auto-response from within us normal humans, and that is to reach out. To try more and harder. To give again, to give more, to give in, to apologize, and most of all… to stop asking questions or expecting a certain behavior from them.
The sociopath or narcissist, doesn’t give a hoot about your emotions. They so absolutely have no concern or care over how you “feel”. In general, they find our emotions silly, and most of all an annoyance.
The only exception to this is found within the ones we tend to call psychopaths… the ones whose enjoyment is others’ pain. Then yes, they want to see your pain just as the majority of these creatures want to borrow you as a respectability front, or to see your money in their bank account, or to take over your games room for their daily porn-o-thons.
Here’s what we can keep in mind. We just aren’t that important to the sociopath (narcissist aka psychopath aka narc aka narcopath). – Your value to them is entirely based on what they gain from you. – And you may not at all realize that they gain anything in particular from you. Rest assured, they do.
Their brains are wired to have concern or consideration or thoughts only for themselves. With no remorse or guilt… at all times, in all things, in all ways the only person they care about is themselves.
Each time the sociopath (narcissist) speaks or does something, its point and purpose are to bring something they want to fruition. In this sense, every word they utter, and every action – including their silence, can be thought of as bait.
Once this is truly clear, we tend to stop biting onto the bait. And next thing you know, you’re out the door for good. Blocking them is the real silent treatment. The only silence that gives you the space and the time to see what they truly are, to grieve what you thought they were, and to restore your own gorgeous life.
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