What is recovery coaching with me like? What do we do? What’s my approach..? I’m asked these or similar questions sometimes and the simple answer is: we start where you are and go from their. Every session is unique to the person I’m speaking with.
Continue readingHealthy relationships are the thing that makes life joyful.
A good life is all about healthy relationships.
Relationships are meant to be enjoyable and to enhance our lives. It’s normal to want to have someone in your life! When we first meet a potential partner, we want to spend a lot of time with them. In a healthy relationship, things move at a comfortable pace.
In a healthy or genuine relationship, there’s a kind of excitement and pleasure that’s comfortable. They’re on your mind, yet you still can manage and pay attention to your daily life and your self-care. You feel comfortable telling your friends about this new person in your life.
If this is a healthy dynamic and the beginning of a healthy relationship, you don’t feel rushed, pressured, or overwhelmed. There’s no “swept-up” confusion. There’s no feeling that you have to “catch up” or “do” something or make some kind of commitment “now” – or else.
Continue readingCan we smell a narcissist?
Does the sociopath have a certain aroma?
As their abnormal brain affects their physiology…
how does it show up?
These are entirely different “humans”. The way they think, speak, and behave is not a “choice”. It’s instinctive. Their fundamental “self” is wired to use and take and get whatever they need and want. This “self” is pathological… meaning they’re driven by their brains which are not normal, yet are quite specific.
I wonder, since the sociopath’s abnormal brain affects their physiology how does this show up in all parts of their being? We know a lot of the things that they each have in common as creatures of this sort. (Or the “narcissist’s” if you’re on that terminology even with all it’s pitfalls and misconceptions.)
They’re fundamentally and pathologically identical monster to monster.
Continue readingCan you smell a sociopath?
Does a narcissist have a certain aroma?
As their abnormal brain affects their physiology…
how does it show up?
These are entirely different “humans”. The way they think, speak, and behave is not a “choice”. It’s instinctive. Their fundamental “self” is wired to use and take and get whatever they need and want. This “self” is pathological… meaning they’re driven by their brains which are not normal, yet are quite specific.
I wonder since the sociopath’s abnormal brain affects their physiology how does this show up in all parts of their being? We know a lot of the things that they each have in common as creatures of this sort.
They’re fundamentally and almost thoroughly identical pathological beast to pathological monster. For example, we know in their heads lies are real and real is made up.
Continue readingBoundaries, rules, etiquette, manners,
behavior we expect and approve and accept.
They’ve been here in societies and cultures forever.
Why are we suddenly talking about “boundaries”?
And shaming some for not “having boundaries”
meant to stop others from bad behavior?
Let’s talk about “boundaries”. This is another current term and concept that drives me bonkers. Here’s why: “boundaries” is a concept that has come up only relatively recently. Its appearance is a piece of the human attempt to figure out and manage those who don’t heed natural and normal boundaries.
Continue readingPTSD can bring nightmares and dreams.
As scary as some of them are…
Rest assured everything about our bodies is on our side,
including our subconscious sleeping mind.
PTSD, dreams, nightmares… To sleep, perchance to dream… After these hijackings we look to sleep as a respite from all the daytime whirling thoughts. Our bodies need more sleep. Sleep as much as your bodies desires as you heal and extract them from your bones.
During PTSD we want to sleep and sleep and sleep. And we need to. We aren’t being lazy, or avoiding moving on; we are healing and we are moving on. – All that extra sleep heals PTSD and is purposeful. Not only our our bodies designed to heal us in sleep, those dreams we have are on our side as well.
Continue readingNo-contact is outside our comfort zone.
It’s a new skill that our
wellbeing depends on.
No contact is extremely unnatural and feels completely weird. Cutting someone off isn’t our “normal”. Normal people don’t just ghost. As normal limbic-brained humans, our biological wiring compels us to connect and care.
There’s a deep internal connection thing that goes on spontaneously between ourselves and others. It isn’t easy for us to drop someone like a hot potato.
Continue readingThe silent treatment from
a narcissist or sociopath is a trademark.
It feels torturous and punishing,
but what is its real purpose?
The dreaded silent treatment. This wall of silence is a trademark of the sociopath (the narcissist) that we gave it a name, the silent treatment. It’s crazy-making, makes you feel sad and frustrated, mad, and feel very small. If you’ve been dating or living with a sociopath (a narcissist) no doubt, this vile torture has come your way.
Is it day three and you have no clue where your boyfriend is?
Did the girlfriend storm out the door last Wednesday and she hasn’t answered your calls three days later?
Is the husband walking right past you in the kitchen, the living room, sleeping in another room as if you aren’t there?
If you can say yes to any of the above, or anything like it…it’s natural to feel like s**t and be so very sad, and to wonder, why?!
Decoding their actions from
beyond how you feel because of their actions
brings real answers.
The standard way of trying to make sense of it – using how we feel to interpret their intention behind their actions – falls far short of what’s really going on in their noggins.
This misunderstanding of their intention leaves you in a swirl of pain and confusion. – And sorry to say their real purpose isn’t very nice either, but it’s the truth. The truth we can heal from. The misunderstanding keeps you in ongoing pain.
Why do they throw up the silent treatment? It’s intentional…deliberate… and feels punishing. But, what is the actual intention? What purpose does the silence serve the ever-self-absorbed pathological user? Is it deliberate torture or punishment from their point of view…?
A key to untangling this hellish mystery is in reviewing the moments that led to the silence, asking: what went on right before the silence? The other key to it is found in really understanding how every pathological user thinks.
So, think back to when you were treated to silence. What happened just before this? There’s only one simple thing going on for the sociopath or the narcissist when they drop the words and become a wall of ice. And a second delicious morsel that falls into their lap out of our gorgeous-normal-ness.
Breaking Up with Evil: Escaping Coercive Control on Amazon
Five women’s true stories of being ensnared hauled through the confusion, lies, fear, and pain, and breaking away.
Told in their own words, they leave nothing unsaid. Find validation and see new glimpses of the truth as they share their stories… Stories that could be any of ours.
In most cases just before the demon clams up there’s been a few words exchanged. You’ve been disappointed, let down, and suspicious of them about something that they’ve done with another woman or man. Maybe you’ve found out that there’s some confusion about where some money went and you’re thinking, that’s odd…
Barely believing they could be doing -that thing- that flashes through your mind for a tiny second. Not wanting to believe they could have slept with so-and-so, or that they really took your hard-earned cash, or went out of town without you even knowing it.
And, so you try to talk to them about your discovery, about your feelings, about your thoughts, about your disappointment… and most revolting to them of all, you give a talk about your expectations of them as the person (you think) you’re in a relationship with.
The truth is, they know this isn’t a relationship. They do know that you think it is, whatever “relationship” means because they surely have no idea what that is, have never experienced one, and never will and wouldn’t want to. So in all reality…the reality is, they have nothing to say.
So, what happens next is that this gets them hot under the collar, and they really want you to shut up. The questions are not going to have answers you’ll like – they know this. And they want you to stop asking, stop probing, and go away. Since we won’t stop yapping (their notion of our talking) instead… they shut up.
Then what? Since they won’t talk, we end up having no one to talk to, and low and behold: we shut up. Exactly what they wanted. This, this magic thing is what they’re after when they pour on the silent treatment: they want us to shut up. – You can feel punished if you want to… they won’t mind, as long as you zip-it.
And there you are left in the emotional soup. This soup as it turns out serves as another benefit for the pathological user. It’s an element of them going silent that then pans out to their benefit.
As per usual, our normal is turned to their benefit, not due to any particular skill of theirs, but because this is the toxicity and harm of the pathological colliding with the normal human.
This silent treatment stirs intense spontaneous emotions from within us – this is normal. One of those emotions is naturally, stunned hurt – which we perceive as punishment.
The silent treatment is crazy-making and makes you feel sad and frustrated, mad, and feel very insignificant… And there’s a further bit that follows along after our normal emotional response which the ever-parasitic sociopath has noticed: it makes us try harder. It keeps us locking in and reaching out.
Being ignored by the sociopath (narc) strikes an internal cord that brings an auto-response from within us normal humans, and that is to reach out. To try more and harder. To give again, to give more, to give in, to apologize, and most of all… to stop asking questions or expecting a certain behavior from them.
The sociopath or narcissist, doesn’t give a hoot about your emotions. They so absolutely have no concern or care over how you “feel”. In general, they find our emotions silly, and most of all an annoyance.
The only exception to this is found within the ones we tend to call psychopaths… the ones whose enjoyment is others’ pain. Then yes, they want to see your pain just as the majority of these creatures want to borrow you as a respectability front, or to see your money in their bank account, or to take over your games room for their daily porn-o-thons.
Here’s what we can keep in mind. We just aren’t that important to the sociopath (narcissist aka psychopath aka narc aka narcopath). – Your value to them is entirely based on what they gain from you. – And you may not at all realize that they gain anything in particular from you. Rest assured, they do.
Their brains are wired to have concern or consideration or thoughts only for themselves. With no remorse or guilt… at all times, in all things, in all ways the only person they care about is themselves.
Each time the sociopath (narcissist) speaks or does something, its point and purpose are to bring something they want to fruition. In this sense, every word they utter, and every action – including their silence, can be thought of as bait.
Once this is truly clear, we tend to stop biting onto the bait. And next thing you know, you’re out the door for good. Blocking them is the real silent treatment. The only silence that gives you the space and the time to see what they truly are, to grieve what you thought they were, and to restore your own gorgeous life.
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Have a listen: Narcissistic Abuse Unwound
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2021_03_24 2022_10_12
PTSD triggers are the normal bodily response to a traumatic event. The traumatic event we’re concerned with is that of an entanglement in a relationship with a narcissistic individual.
Particularly the ones so narcissistic that they’re what you’d call, pathological. This would be the kind that lies even when they wouldn’t need to in order to get what they want and basically lies about everything else as well. – In this case, what you’ve experienced is a single traumatic event that by its nature takes place over a period of time rather than in a flash, and then it’s done.
PTSD is an alarm system built into the body. It’s meant to protect you from an impending repeat danger by alerting you with specifically designed triggers based on a previous traumatic event.
It’s bespoke, custom-made for you unconsciously by your body.
A specific trauma is experienced when the person we thought of as “the one” lies and deceives us.
The depth of the deception and the continuous deception by someone we thought of as trustworthy and close to us is profoundly traumatic.
PTSD is a state in which our body’s nervous system is out of balance, out of order, if you will. This is where we get the naming of PTSD as… post-traumatic stress dis-order. Its purpose is that you recognize and avoid the danger same kind of danger in the future.
Naturally, until we’re fully recovered, there will be things that catch us off guard almost anywhere and trigger us. There isn’t anything permanently or even temporarily intrinsically wrong with you…
Though weeping suddenly at the sound of a song wafting through the air while in a department store can be frustrating and maybe even embarrassing, your body is beautifully doing what it’s designed to do to protect you.
Those strong fear signals are to keep you away from the source of the trauma. – Over time we rebalance the nervous system so that the song in the department store doesn’t bring fear or tears or bad memories.
Knowing what’s happening and why is more than half-healed.
The bodies way of recording past experiences and remembering markers of danger to keep us safe now and in the future is a perfectly great plan when the traumatic event is that you see a lion or a puma in the jungle about to attack – again – and you need to turn and run.
In this case, however, here in the 21st century with our more discerning minds, office towers, paved roads, and Amazon delivery, the PTSD and its lovely triggers feel as useful as a wool sweater in mid-summer. And honestly, can be really scary or out of place in a social setting and make you want to just stay home.
Breaking Up with Evil: Escaping Coercive Control on Amazon
Five women’s true stories of being ensnared hauled through the confusion, lies, fear, and pain, and breaking away.
Told in their own words, they leave nothing unsaid. Find validation and see new glimpses of the truth as they share their stories… Stories that could be any of ours.
So, what to do about this wool sweater? What to do about triggers in the middle of your modern workday? Or at the market? And at a cocktail party? Let’s talk about how and when and what can trigger the memory of the trauma and about how we might smooth the experience… and eventually diminish this response altogether.
A key bit to smoothing the rough edges of PTSD is realizing that it’s natural, that it’s normal. And for me, this took me into a kind of awe at its efficiency; even to appreciate it a bit.
When I went through it, I found myself amazed at the power of the body’s warning system. I’ll tell you what, my body was the first thing that told me I was in trouble with this “relationship”, while my mind rationalized it. In the aftermath I observed myself in wonder, thinking, wow, people’s hands really shake. Our knees really cave in. – Isn’t that kind of miraculous?
The things that bring on PTSD triggers vary depending on what the body has stored for us as markers of this kind of danger. It can be the shape of a body, the movement of a person, cologne or other smell or scent, a certain car, a particular neighborhood or place or song, even a certain food or activity.
Sometimes when activated the trigger releases a memory, sometimes it does not. In some cases, it can be a full memory of an original traumatic event. For others, it’s more of a sickening momentary reminder. This varies from person to person and is also in relation to the event itself and the level of perceived and actual trauma.
Our bodies don’t mind where we are, or what we’re in the middle of doing… they do their job to protect us no matter what. This can be embarrassing and awkward when we’re in places where we feel it isn’t appropriate to shake like a leaf or cry or want to vomit.
All of this is okay. Your feelings are valid. Your fear is yours, and that’s okay. You get to be who you are. PTSD triggers don’t have to be permanent. If you’re anything like me, my desire was to heal the PTSD, to heal the triggers, to tame and resolve them so that they were no longer part of me.
Choosing how to approach your healing is up to you. Whatever it is that brings you answers, resolution, and returns your calm and well-being is good. Whatever brings you the confidence, knowledge, and skills to disassemble the harm and to turn your raw emotions, feelings, thoughts, and perceptions to your benefit is fantastic.
EMDR: EMDR stands for, Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. This is a kind of therapy performed by a listened practitioner of this modality of healing. It can be very effective for diminishing triggers tied to specific singular events. Its goal is to process past experiences and sort out the emotions attached to those experiences.
Somatic Therapy: Somatic therapy is a mind-body connection therapy using exercises and other physical methods to release stored tension. It combines talk therapy with what are sometimes considered alternative forms of physical therapy. A somatic therapist might utilize breathing, meditation, vocalization, and even massage as a part of this modality.
All therapy choices are personal and individual. This is in no way meant to be taken as professional mental health or medical advice or a substitute for professional care.
Traditional Therapy: Psychiatrists, psychologists, therapists, and counselors are educated from the paradigm of approaching you as a client in order to determine what is wrong with you. Some therapists are centered on more contemporary or casual talk or narrative therapy and can be quite passive. Others are centered on classical or Freudian approaches to analyzing and fixing you.
Ultimately their decisions, advice, and opinion of you can influence how you feel about yourself. Being “declared” as having a condition or disorder can often retard or interfere with actual healing. Depending on your circumstances this may or may not be a good route for you.
Be aware: their findings are part of your medical records. If you mention anything that signals to them that you are a danger to yourself or to others they are obligated to report your condition to authorities. These findings, though private can be subpoenaed for court if the court decision is to determine your ability to care for a minor child.
Medication: Chemical medications are prescribed by a licensed medical or mental health practitioner and a record of this remains on our health records. Some find medication useful to in effect, suppress the trauma response and associated anxieties. Chemical drugs do not resolve the trauma or emotional memory of it stored within our bodies. There are a few go-to’s for PTSD: Fluoxetine (Prozac), Sertraline (Zoloft), Paroxetine (Paxil), and Venlafaxine (Effexor). All have effects that may be undesirable, uncomfortable, or harmful. – Do your research.
Homeopathic Healing: Homeopathy is a form of medicine that causes the body to remember perfect health. It’s subtle; when it works you simply feel good again. It leads the body to heal itself and repair on a deep level. Common remedies for shock, trauma, loss, and grief are Arnica (Arnica Montana), Ignatia (Ignatia Amara), and Aconite (Aconitum Napellus). There are no undesirable effects or harmful effects. Either a remedy works for you or it does not. Aconite is particularly for when nightmares are part of your experience and Ignatia helps when sleep is difficult due to a busy or racing mind at night.
There are many other homeopathic remedies that may be perfect for you, as the remedy chosen is unique to each person. Remedies can be self-prescribed and purchased through retail sources such as Amazon, Whole Foods, natural health stores, and Hahnemann Labs or by a licensed classical Homeopathic doctor.
Recovery Coaching: Guided recovery coaching is quite useful when carried out with a certified coach who is familiar with this specific trauma. A good coach can lead you to answers that resolve every question and leave you whole and confident again. As coaching is forward-directed and query-based, there is great depth and ground that can be covered including moving into your renewed life plans as you heal.
Knowledge and Perspective: This must be sought on one’s own. Many find partial answers that leave more questions; maybe that leaves the mark of self-blame or shame. In the case of being roped into an abusive dynamic by a pathological person, gaining the true perspective on how a person can commit these acts that harmed you is a way to diminish the effect. There’s much well-intended yet incomplete and flat-out inaccurate information about this.
When knowledge, information, or perspective is right, it fits and falls into place allowing another aspect of the maze to arise for resolving. – You roll through to completion and resolution rather than remaining in pain. – There can be resistance to new views on this phenomenon or about this person who you were involved with. It’s up to each individual to pursue what it takes to truly be free of this trauma. Full recovery requires courage.
Time: Time is on our side in healing. Though one must be careful that you aren’t relying on time alone. Along with time, please be sure that over time you’re continually looking for the things that answer your questions.
Burning questions such as, how can someone do this to someone else? And how does this happen, and why did this happen to me? And does he love them, and why didn’t he love me? Am I a bad person because I want him to suffer? – And of course answer all the questions about how to handle the real circumstances you’ve been left with and turn over your ideas of certain aspects of them that keep the confusion to no confusion at all.
So scary, embarrassed and triggers can go bye-bye… Each of these questions has an answer that will leave no question in your mind that this whole surreal debacle had nothing to do with anything about you…other than you – being fully human and gorgeous inside and out.
Join the podcast!
Have a listen: Narcissistic Abuse Unwound
True Love Scam Recovery on Medium
True Love Scam Recovery on Facebook
Add these to your contacts
so you don’t miss a newsletter!
jennifer@truelovescam.com
info@truelovescam.com
Visit truelovescam’s profile on Pinterest.
True Love Scam on Tumblr.
Tweet to @truelovescam.
2021_03_16 2022_11_06
Yes, there are female sociopaths.
They’re just like male sociopaths.
Aside from one big difference.
Female sociopaths and children are a catastrophe… for the child and for the other parent. It’s less often talked about, but men are dragged through this nightmare as well as women.
While women are showered by the male sociopath/narcissist with promises of marriage and a house and kids, the female sociopath has the same effect on male prey by wielding a high level of sexual appeal. Along with that can be hints and promises of marriage or children.
They say that statistically there are more male pathological sociopaths than females… but tell that to the man – or the woman – ensnared and spiked through the heart by a female sociopath.
Continue reading