I don’t need to list the horrific things we’re all going through right now. You all know. I don’t need to list any of them. If you’ve seen the news or spend any time on Twitter… you know.
Depending on which continent, which country, and which part of that country you’re in the details might vary, but overall: it’s colossal. And particularly here in the USA, we’re seeing things we never dreamed could be.
Continue readingThe truth is: a sociopath by any other name
is still a sociopath.
The irrelevant-for-recovery DSM
trips us up in seeing what’s really happening.
Underneath it all, they’re identically pure poop.
For amusement and because we need classifications that are useful to resolve this sickeningly real situation, I’ve assigned categories to distinguish variations of a sociopath (aka narcissist) that matter to us. – Unlike the categories in the DSM. Every sociopath creates a persona to live by. They need a front, a “personality” to present which is constructed as a face of normal.
Continue readingPeople like to tell those who’ve been
in narcissistic abuse that it was their fault.
This is natural.
It’s the human way of self-assurance
that it could never happen to them.
We all know the familiar feeling that we’re to blame for being hijacked by one of these monsters. Most people around us don’t understand what’s really happening…we don’t understand what’s happened! But there was one thing I knew for sure: it wasn’t my fault. It had nothing to do with me. My time was spent finding out how it did happen. Who – or what – was this!? Not all people seek real answers…
Recently I read a new reason to blame yourself for falling into a sociopath’s hands in a Psychology Today article. It blithely summed up the ancient phenomenon of predator and prey by saying, “…your life script issues and unmet relational needs…” are the cause.
Did you know you have life script issues? And please tell me which human in 2022 on this earth does not have unmet relational needs? We’re online, in Zoom meetings, on Instagram, and in Facetime calls rather than face to face with most anyone. But: how does this give another human permission to deceive us, and make use of us for their personal gain?
Continue readingEvery one of these hijackings is identical.
It seems impossible because we each think “our relationship” is unique.
How can we be sure to see the signs before it starts?
I was out the other day with my niece. She’s, you know, in that first blush of time when she and her friends are dating and the dating is shifting into forming relationships that, for some of them, might turn into lasting partnerships…
This particular day, as we wandered around window shopping, my niece was invested and passionate as she described a bad breakup her friend Olivia just went through.
As soon as she started talking about this “break up”… I knew. She described her friend’s heartache and confusion with confusion of her own. My niece was affected by the trauma and madness that her friend was under as a piece of a sociopathic entrapment. No question in my mind.
She said this break up of her friend’s – from her first real boyfriend, “doesn’t make sense“, that months later her friend “can’t get over it“, and how “it started great” And, here’s how she told me about it:
“So Olivia has this friend in New York she knows from school, so she went to see her and that’s where she met *him* – cause he’s her friend’s friend – and they were vibin’ and playing music all day together for two days, and after she left they’d Face Time each other and they were really just like a total match. He even looked like her! And… yah...”
Continue readingAfter a breakup of this magnitude
is a chaotic upheaval of despair.
We can heal using the very traits they chose us for.
Our own compassion, kindness,
and open-heartedness are our own saving grace.
The break-up involves paralyzing fear. Anxiety, fragility, doubt, and confusion. The trauma and grief in the aftermath in the wake of their lies are singular.
Unless you’ve been in one of these fraudulent set-ups before this sad, mad, dazed-of-mind, and out-of-body trip will be a mystery. The amazing news is: there’s nothing wrong with you; there’s everything right with you. Not even in the aftermath which hits like a ton of bricks.
Everything you’re feeling and thinking is normal. There’s nothing intrinsically wrong with us. There is everything wrong with the antisocial psychopath who just walked out the door. We’re in post-traumatic stress, PTSD. This is with good reason… we’ve been in a sustained attack.
Sociopaths (what so many people call a “narcissist”) take our material possessions and rape and pillage our hearts, our emotions, our lives, and our souls. In the aftermath of a sociopath, it’s time to give ourselves the loyalty, the benefit of the doubt, and care that’s been siphoned off by them – for their own personal gain – until we’re wrung out.
Take this to the ending you want. We decide what winning is.
When I saw the monster I had married; when I knew hard facts in addition to the sickening feeling in my gut, the truth tore wide open. Small-huge words came out of my body on an exhale: “I want you to leave.” It felt like the only sound in the whole universe at that moment.
As my words hit his comprehension, the once handsome face of this conman “husband” went stone-blank. It was kind of funny seeing him at a loss, knowing his scam was blown up. It was also terrifying. I stayed still, calm, quiet, and watchful.
He sat at his desk – his throne of operations looking as if he were deep in thought over some important point. Heavy quiet filled the space. I had become the power in the room. He was now the hunted.
My life, my mind instantly and automatically shifted itself into a primal realm I’d never known before. – I recognized this space of beyond-bizarre for what it was; this was his normal. A world without a floor, without limits and of life and death, and of infinite evil.
Breaking Up With Evil: Escaping Coercive Control on Amazon
Five women’s true stories as told in their own words. From being ensnared hauled through the confusion, lies, fear, and pain, and breaking away.
Told in their own words, they leave nothing unsaid. Find validation and see new glimpses of the truth as they share their stories… Stories that could be any of ours.
After the breakup moment, I saw true things I hadn’t seen before, sharply in focus. He sat at my desk — in my Aeron chair, in my home. His only possession, his sleek, new MAC Airbook – not even truly his, but bought for him by another woman-of prey, living in South America while he was here and married to me.
She thought that he lived with her – there. And was here for work. And here to get them a place to live and bring her and the baby over to join him! — This globe-trotting scammer had more than a baker’s dozen of us all “believing” all at once different versions of who it is he was in our lives… And what his life was.
He’d moved in with m… I’d turned my whole place around to accommodate him. My home became his adopted Head Quarters. – His “Scam Central” of the moment. Turns out all this is a common situation when we’re ensnared by a pathological parasitic predator, and in truth: they have no home.
This was my home now his hijacked lair. He leaned back in my chair, swiveling in deliberation as he calculated who to Facebook, email, and Instagram. Which chat room or Meet-Up to join.
Sending his venom and lies and deception virtually every possible waking moment to scourge up more victims – while he lived in a fake relationship with me, eating my food and using me for a cook, a laundress, and shelter. This was all he had; this was all he was.
I was his Internet Provider. His Grub-Shack. His Shower & Shave Pit Stop. His On-the-House-Boarding-House. (Other people were his Sex-Doll. This I, fortunately, did not suffer.) I began to remove each little drip of benefit to him in staying. But, he was stymied. He stalled his departure for ten gruesome, blood-chilling days.
He had no other bait hooked deeply enough to be able to jump into their home. There were a few prospects, in a few different locations – none were Move-in-Ready. So, he hibernated, sleeping for three days and nights. Then he sprang into action.
Usually a night owl, he lingered in a morning laze under blankets, lounging on my Sixpenny down filled sofa texting, and watching videos on YouTube so this was an abrupt change, striking my heart with cold fear and watchfulness.
One morning I watched him. Since it was clear he was on his way out the door I let in a glimmer of amusement mixed in with that fear, standing observing him… and as if I wasn’t even there he slithered out the door, shaved and shiny-faced at 7:46 am. Silently, stealthfully: he was alert, coiled, and ready to strike.
Though he knew the game was up, he didn’t give up. Apparently what he was doing up so early was car shopping: in other words, trying to get a car loan. no-go. He was denied, He actually haphazardly left the paperwork out. I checked to make sure he wasn’t trying to use my name on anything and saw that he’d been denied a loan.
It followed then that one afternoon he tried to work me over again for a car. If it weren’t so scary, from another angle it was hilarious and pathetic. Of course, I had a feeble story to tell him about how sorry I was, but “no”. And that it was “impossible” because of something I had done. Hilarious. I was maneuvering him out of my life.
His words of disgust towards me spat like poison from his gob and in a few text messages after he stormed out the door… So be it… as long as I could see that this was driving him out because there was nothing here to get, I could take his stupid words.
Then, on the final day, realizing there was nothing at all here for him and that the ship was about to be submerged he finally put me through a test to be sure – specifically – that I wouldn’t turn him in to the authorities. That I wasn’t angry or going for revenge. That I wasn’t planning to come after him for stealing my jewelry, money, and art, and: that I wasn’t going to get USCIS, U.S. Immigration running after him like a dog catcher with a net.
I realized this was happening before he opened up with his performance. I went along with his improvisation. I soothed him, as he (fake) blubbered and sobbed…
Liquid slicked down his face in sheets. It was meant to be tears. He wove a sob story about his father. This gruesome demon’s back story on his dad had been that his father had beaten him so badly, so often, and been so mean to him and unfair in his treatment of him compared to his other siblings that he’d left home to France at the age of 12, all on his own to get away from his dad.
Now suddenly, this same dad had a dream that made him reach out… A dream that entailed a premonition of his son in jail in the United States caused his dad to suddenly call him after ten years of not speaking..? A miracle!! Really? So how the heck did daddy have his cell phone number? Surely phone number 510 within the last ten years.
When he dropped this punch line, my dad had a dream (sob, sob, hand covering face) his son in jail in united states (bend over, sob, lift his head to peek at me), I almost laughed out loud. He was gauging what I’d do when he left. He was attempting to see how safe it was for him to leave.
Everything the pathological parasitic predator says or does is about them. They’re totally absorbed in the need to do whatever they want or need to do, and in not being stopped. This singular focus is unwavering and is present in their consciousness at all times.
Behind that desire and need is the driving force of their very survival. Sociopaths are primal. Raw. They live in a space we have never been – because our world is safe unless we live in a nation of oppression, extreme poverty, or a war zone.
I let him think he was safe. He wasn’t. I gently said in a near whisper of shock and dismay and concern for his safety (ha), Oh, that would never happen, and stroked his back. I was maneuvering him out of my life. It worked.
Within seconds he was up out of that chair, face as dry as could be, with no physical or emotional signs of anguish or tears. He said, I need some air, and walked out the door; he was gone until sometime in the wee hours of the morning. this indicated to me that the felt secure that I wasn’t a threat and was back to his usual prowling. – hunting down a place to hop off to so he could make a run for it while I still “loved” him!! hilarious.
The most significant thing I did was lie. And lie more. I told him I couldn’t pay the internet bill. Without the internet, his main-line source of hunting prey was over in this joint!
The next day he had new suitcases, a new SUV, and $1,000 cash in his sweaty fist. The next day while I was at work he called my cell phone. I didn’t pick it up. I knew this was his exit.
He wasn’t there when I got home. Crooked, tangled empty hangers hung in the closet. Chests of drawers gaped loose like sad drooping hungry mouths. He was gone. The stillness was chilling. …Then the real terror came.
The aftermath of a sociopath struck with a vengeance. I didn’t know I’d felt safer while he was under the same roof: because with him in my home, I knew where he was. Now he could be anywhere: following me, watching me… I felt like he could turn the doorknob at any minute even after I had the locks changed that very afternoon.
But I had to handle a truck-load-of-serious, move fast, and could not collapse in relief or grief or fear or despair. I didn’t have time to say, “What the bleep was all that?!” – I had to protect and save my life.
Sociopaths count on our fear of them. I could sway him in much stronger measure than his darkness could reach me. When we don’t believe anymore – they shudder with fear, because in essence, without us and others believing them: they do not exist.
I took steps to take care of myself on every front immediately, the practical, legal, spiritual – and for mental, physical, and emotional health. A sort of super-human capability took over my body and piloted me through each hour, each day that followed. – And I will tell you, I did this without a penny of livable income or savings.
It came to my mind that I needed, on a fundamental level, to more deeply value and “protect my life”. The next morning I took practical action. I called a locksmith to have my door locks changed. He couldn’t do what I needed but gave me a name to call. He stayed on the phone with me without me asking a single question.
He, on his own, volunteered to tell me which locks to get, to save money by re-keying, what the prices should be, and over and over, he said this: “It’s for your protection”, “I’m thinking of your protection”, “I want you to be protected.” – The locksmith he recommended..? Guardian Angel Locksmith in Los Angeles.
These Guardian Angles came to my door in a white van. In 20 minutes I had all new locks. I felt so, so, so much better. There aren’t words to describe the relief.
Here’s the thing though: That night and longer, did I still sleep with my keys and handbag? Did I still carry all my important ID documents with me, and my laptop and a change of clothes? Did I still shake in a panic that I’d see him, or think he was watching me a hundred times a day? Yep. – And I slept like that until I didn’t.
I instinctively knew to look at things for his reasoning rather than mine. I took on understanding – discovering – how a sociopath’s mind works. – Playing out his actions and crazy words from the point of view of his mind – not mine.
The truth revealed itself hour by hour… It was clear that I could have been anyone to him. Replaceable and faceless. I was a piece of equipment to him. I was interchangeable and replaceable. I developed a deeper and deeper understanding of the sociopath-brain and became stronger and stronger as a result. We have the power. They need us, not the other way round.
Taking in the premise that there was not at all in any way, ever a real relationship kept me sane. This kept me away from, why me?!, How could he do this to me?!, How could I have been so stupid?!
I had shaky moments and hours and days – but always went back to a particular and unique “reframing” that I made up out of thin air and gut instinct… this freed me and brought dramatic discoveries about what a sociopath is and about how amazing we are as real humans.
The annulment process was too overwhelming to take on. Self-serve divorce or annulment might be doable for dissolving a normal marriage – not in this case – not in the aftermath of a sociopath.
An annulment is more complicated; it requires specific proof of fraud. I would not settle for anything but annulment. Divorce was too good for him and not good enough for me. I hired an attorney – who I found through a co-worker.
I was so fortunate and so grateful! — That may not be everyone’s situation — the point is this: let people know what you need. Support might be there in unexpected ways from unexpected sources. Open your heart. And yes, a family member paid for the annulment process in full.
Whatever your faith is – make use of it… This is what I did: I called a leader in a support capacity in SGI. I hadn’t met her more than 3 times in passing. We spoke by phone. I was too spun-out in a state of high-high trauma to tell her my circumstances. I could barely speak coherently.
Plus I knew the details were not important. I said something like: I’m in a serious, serious situation. I’m terrified. There are legal issues. It’s really, really serious. I have no idea what to do, but I have to handle really serious things. I can’t make any mistakes. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to do any of it.
She said: “Chant that everything you do is the best thing. – No matter what action you take, chant with determination that, this action is the best thing.”
It worked. It saved me. It was hard. I trusted my life. I was kind to myself. – Follow your faith. Embrace your own life.
There was no one like me to book sessions with. Otherwise, I would have! Instead, I talked to my brother and sister. They had no idea that this was a thing, but they believed me. No judgment.
Did I have these deeply functioning relationships with my siblings already in place? Nope. Before this crisis, I talked with my brother about six times a year; my sister every week or two. He lived in another state; my sister was three miles down the road.
I determined this horror show would be the best thing that ever happened and that benefit would come from this con-man-raid. This was one of those benefits.
She was going through what I was. – With his very young child and after four years together to make sense of and recover from. We were united and embraced one another from our first crazed Facebook messages. We discovered his atrocities together. We healed together. We are friends to this day, yet live on two separate continents. There’s power in unity. Human similarities beat out any superficial differences or conflicts.
I talked with anyone he conned – which was anyone and everyone he knew. I did this over a period of months for a critical reason: I needed evidence for my annulment. – The secondary benefit was it brought me home to the fact that my relationship had been an illusion.
That I had been victimized but had the power to not be a victim. Incredibly, I helped clean up his damage – I encouraged those who needed it, including a wife, a fiance, a girlfriend, and two former “employees”. My capacity expanded, my compassion was proven a beautiful thing. Kindness is good. Trust is good. Benevolence is good. Don’t let a con man take that.
The intense stress was killing me. I’m not meaning this metaphorically or in an exaggerated sense. I mean it utterly. – I got specific mega-vitamins to save my long-term health.
I also ate almost nothing, slept very, very little, or in a comatose deep sleep, and had no exercise, just a constant adrenaline rush. Not an advisable way to get through the day, but unavoidable. It’s all temporary. Healing takes time. Let it take as long as it takes. Just keep going.
I use homeopathy as my main source of medical care. I took ignatia and arnica to ease the loss and grief. It let my body ease into a place where I could cope and move forward day by day. I couldn’t have made it through without it.
Translate to: I did not blame myself and had no shame or guilt. — This goes back to understanding my sociopath’s mind and accepting that I was his unwitting prey. – I did not victimize myself. This does not mean I wasn’t in shock, fear, grief, and struggled to overcome the experience. It means I gave myself a break, Gave myself the benefit of the doubt.
Exactly. In detail. Exhaustively. To the police, the District Attorney, Immigration – USCIS, and the FBI. It was the right thing to do. It may not be a crime according to the law books to father seven children and leave them or deceive a woman – many women at once.
To use them, to cause trauma to heart and soul, but: it is a crime to steal. Bigamy is a crime. Immigration fraud is a crime. I didn’t want him to get what he’d tried to take from me spiritually, mentally, financially, or physically. I stood up for my own value. I was loyal to myself.
I don’t recommend drinking. For myself a glass or two of wine every night got me through. After about nine months I didn’t want it anymore – I went back to my normal alcohol intake – which is about one or two drinks – about four times a year. If I had any alcoholic tendencies this nightmare would have brought them to life.
Here’s the thing: if you have addiction issues stay away from pain killers, alcohol, recreational drugs, or anything like them. Please find another way to cope. Don’t let this inhuman, con man or con woman be your downfall! Use him to rise up!!
Don’t let anyone tell you or make you feel that you don’t know enough to realize or can’t make a “diagnosis” and can’t possibly know that this person is a sociopath. Please go with your gut. Please don’t hold back in that pool of thought that this is “only” a narcissist.
Rise above the fear a con man conjures. Lift yourself out of the doubt anyone around you plants. Take practical and confident steps to resolve any entanglements that his or her sick-frenzy wove in your life. He or she chose you because you are good, capable, and trustworthy.
Because you are loyal, kind, and loving. Everything nice, or good about him or her is an illusion. That face you saw, those black eyes, that other voice…? That’s who they are. After the break up from a sociopath the sociopath’s power is superseded by our shining lives when we are strong, march forward, and keep loving!!
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2020_08_10 2023_04_15
So ya met a cutie.
And holy-moly, my word do they l-o-v-e- you!
It’s nuts! They can’t stop texting,
calling, messaging…
They are hung-up on you, baby!
Love bombing is the name we give to those flirty texts that don’t stop. The messaging that begins even before a first date and from the moment you meet this gorgeous heart-throb. They often roll-out, day-one with the habitual “good morning beautiful“.
Readers of this website of mine realize that I’m female and can catch bits of my story to know the maniac who I married was male – a male sociopath.
I have however done enough recovery coaching with both males and females pursued by female sociopaths to know that female sociopaths do the same aggressive messaging, initiating the dance of fraud that we think is true love.
Turn the tables… you decide what winning is.
In any case, male, female, non-binary, trans – any gender love has nothing to do with love bombing. Sociopaths have a different brain. Parts of it do not function. The missing part is the part that feels love, connects and bonds with and cares about others.
Sometimes we meet a person who we’re suddenly, magnetically drawn to and it seems like an a-m-a-z-i-n-g person on the face of the earth. Like bananas amazing. This is highly likely a sociopath.
Other times meeting a sociopath right out of the gate we can only think: eeeew, they’re kinda yucky. Sociopaths, as the hunters they are, must persevere and sort through many many people before they hit on that one that clicks.
Love bombing is the way sociopaths drive the hook in and reel in their loot: us. Contact with us from their slimy, slithering hypnotic-self is their only method they have to hunt and ensnare prey.
They lay out this barrage of flattery, query, compliment, suggestive-patter of nonsense, declarations of our beauty and all the rest as are their only verbal tool for reeling in a juicy new human.
Their silent charm is the main and most powerful attribute that hooks their intended target. Though we might feel it rising from them and wrapping into our flesh like a human-eating vine, this “charm” is not a skill. They have it from birth. Some become more practiced than others in the little snips of bait and tricks they learn along the way.
In order to grab us, from moment-one they’ve got to get busy presenting their inherent quality of magnetism (coercive control that we interpret as charm or charisma) through constant contact: that’s all they’ve got.
After all, they’ve been predators and parasites their entire lives. Our response whether immediately tumbling under their inborn quality of hypnotic coercive control, or straining against it in resistance, they are compelled to plunge ahead. – We are the ones who stop it.
Even though we feel they do things skillfully and find their tactics as impressive: they are not. Please, let’s set that notion aside when we catch ourselves feeling it.
We see them and interpret what they do as “genius”, or think, “they’re really good at this” because we’d never think of making such brazen or persistent efforts, and because we wouldn’t have this impact on others if we wanted to.
This is because we aren’t innately endowed with dark-and-evil-coercive control. They were simply born with this quality of mesmerizing others as their way to survive.
We, on the other hand, survive and thrive by our natural and DNA-wired quality of connection to others. In order to end the spell, we must break that connection and stop ourselves from continuing it. – They certainly won’t willingly drop the brand new piece of tasty plump human they’ve got by their fangs. – Why would they?
We’ve got myriad options to stop love bombing: but only one of them is effective. Can you decide which is best from those listed here?
Hilarious as I am, this is the truth. The only way to effectively stop love bombing is to literally: Stop It.
This – blocking – is the only language or message or action a pathological user understands. It means something to them and gets our message across while removing ourselves from the equation of their hunt. So:
Blocking during the early days of initial love bombing or after twelve ragged years of torment – either way and at any time, this is the only way to end the love bombing, hoovering, insults, flattery, promises, lies: stop all that bait.
Set yourself free by blocking, blocking, blocking. That would be the answer. We test many possibilities to end it, from hoping we can just say to them: I’m not interested, to please don’t call me anymore. None of that normal human stuff is going to have an effect. In fact, that simply gives them something to work with to haul us in.
Believe this: they are used to people blocking them. It won’t be a surprise. It will make them rage because they don’t like to lose their toys, but you won’t have to see that – because you blocked them! Congratulations!!!!
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2020_07_08 2021_03_28
Believe women.
How is disbelief of women
still a thing in the 21st century?
Why aren’t women talking about abuse believed?
Believe women. How is it this needs to be said? What is going on that in the 21st century women are still disbelieved when we speak out about a fake-lationship under narcissistic abuse and coercive control…?
Why are women disbelieved when we talk about narcissistic abuse, marital rape, sexual assault, and domestic violence? And what is the cost of this disbelief?
When we’re not believed at a crucial moment we realize we matter little. It’s shocking. Being disbelieved sets us up for further abuse, loss, betrayal, grief, and anger that runs deep.
We can start from right there, wherever we are, and use our feelings and circumstances as a springboard and a function to make change rather than in pain.
Continue readingWe ask: who does that?!
Our eyes get huge, our stomachs churn.
Confusion floods our entire body and mind.
We say: why can’t they just ____ ?!
Sociopaths and confusion. These two things go together like cock roaches and outdoor industrial garbage bins. Confusion reigns when we’re around one of these people. Their very presence causes a dizziness that we, as normal humans interpret as excitement: because we don’t know that what they are exists. Even when they say something strange, we balance it with an interpretation of it as fitting into “normal” or having an explanation that’s acceptable or passably normal. Our state of mind when we’re entrapped or mesmerized, or admire or love them is confusion.
There are two reasons for this. Let’s start with one of them. The reason we’ll get into is that as normal people all we can do is try to understand them from the way we experience life. From our point of view. The pathological user does not share our point of view of life in any way whatsoever. They don’t think as we do, feel as we do, or do anything as we do. So, looking for a reason for their actions and nutty words through the lens of our normal lives is only going to make us more confused.
As normal-old, every day, tax-paying, Netflix watching humans, we look at the world and all the people in it from the point of view of what we are: good. It might be difficult to see, but if you’re a regular person, you’re good.
Truly, no matter your politics, no matter your religion, if you have people you love and care for: you’re fundamentally normal. – And every normal one of us can only see others through the eyes of what we are fundamentally and what we already know to be so through experience. – Fortunately, we can take in new information, new insights, and new perspectives and so: see things anew.
While in confusion, we look at what the sociopath (narcissist) does and says through our own hearts. And further then, we interpret and respond to what they do and say based on the things we all, as normal whole-humans, generally believe and know to be the way things are.
And this is the root of how and why we flail in these long and hard and devastating rides through hell with these beasts of destruction and stay wounded long after they fly away. In order to restore our lives, we need to see them for what they are rather than through what we are.
The basics of what they’re after doesn’t change.
The sociopath does not dwell in the same space we do. They are here physically, but that’s where our similarities and understanding – as it were – end and our confusion begins.
It’s very, very, very difficult to get to a place where we can see these people precisely and exactly for what they are. It’s traumatic and must be waded into gently and slowly. The brutality of their actual minds is incomprehensible to us.
We can, however, form glimpses of it in tiny flashes frequently enough that the spell is utterly broken and we step back into ourselves. – This is what I show people how to do in sessions.
Once we hone it, this skill of recognizing a pathological user for what they are stays with us. There are clear instant-takes on the depths of monster in anyone around us. When this is a skill we’ve attained there is no sociopath (narcissist) that can get inside our lives.
Additionally, in this skill, we benefit by being more perceptive and aware and sensitive and appreciative of kind and good. And amazingly, we can see the shades of nuance in all people of all emotional make-ups. We beam when we see the variations of kindness. The connection and human bonding that is the cornerstone of human survival and the key to thriving becomes ours. – Freedom, complete freedom.
By seeing them for what they are, we effectively diffuse the pathological predators’ and users’ ability to use and destroy people. We are their saving grace and our own.
Can we linger any longer in the confusion? Do we have any more time to give people-of-harm the benefit of the doubt? Let’s cut the frills. How about we stop adding in our emotions and feelings and ideas of what is in their minds and behind their actions. Let’s strip what’s happening down to the bone and see what it really is.
There are only two things that a sociopath, any sociopath, all sociopaths – narcissists – care about and want: to do whatever they want – and not be stopped.
In order for this to happen, they need us to shut up. And to put out. Shut up refers to not asking questions, not expecting anything in particular. And defending them. Put out refers to the myriad things they gain from us: money, places to live, support, cars, respectability by being seen with us, access to a group or country, a facade of professionalism, property, sex, our defending them, our vote, our protection and so on and on and on.
This is precisely and only what they care about. This happens when we don’t know what they are and what that means. Fundamentally they are not good. Inside their minds and hearts, they are 100% different than we are. Healthy whole humans are wired to bond and connect as survival. Pathological users are wired to use others for survival.
There is a difference between someone who has some emotional hang-ups and snags that lead them to turn lots of things back to the subject of themselves. This is very, very different than a sociopath, the antisocial psychopath: predator, pathological user, con man, and con woman.
Trust your gut on the level of danger someone is, rather than your brain and thoughts that float around your head, such as, well they were nice after they called me an idiot. Please, also question and reconsider the notion that someone is the way they are due to a troubled childhood (every sociopath’s – narcissist’s – excuse for being cruel).
It’s normal to make reasons for what they did that shed a benevolent light upon them. That’s what we are as humans: people who feel good is what makes the world go round. – And it does. So, let’s make that good force stronger, protect that good by understanding and accepting – and so diffusing – the malevolent element that also exists.
Sorry to bear the hard news, but if we can’t get to a place where we can clearly see that there are indeed people whose hearts are not full of good, but instead are full of arrogance to a degree that it will slit our throats, full or rage to a level of darkness that it would make our head split open if we could feel it even for a millisecond we won’t recover fully from our own personal time in a “relationship” with one of these people. And then surely we won’t reconcile and restore good on a larger scale.
Truly, at this time, be willing to take a step further into realizing: we make the world the way it is. We create our own lives. By thought, word, and deed. By our perception, our beliefs, our actions.
Let’s put a stop to confusion. How about we take on the task of deciphering the reality of our own experience? Remove the personal, because these people-of-prey don’t see us as individuals that we are. We are objects to make use of so they can do whatever they want and not be stopped. – The thing is, when we know this, they are stopped.
This clearing of the confusion within our own experience transfers to clearing the confusion and stopping the malevolent on the world stage. Who knew when we fell into their trap that we were signing up to be activists for the humanity of humankind!?
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2020_06_23 2024_04_14
Post the traumatic event, we want new.
Afterward, we urgently want a new place.
Or a new job, different friends,
maybe a new name.
Take it one thing at a time.
You’d think at the end of things, we’d be relieved. And we are. And then the post-trauma hits. Post-trauma… after the departure from the monster, well this is when we “freak out”. And rightly so. After any kind of traumatic event, at the end of it, that’s when things hit us emotionally.
This is normal. In the aftermath we have a sense of urgency. It’s incredibly common in post-trauma to feel we need to move, to change, to go, go, go to get out of here. To vacate the scene of the crime.
Continue readingPost-trauma is rife with too much.
Too much to be dealt with.
Too much to figure out.
Too much to explain. Clear things up for ourselves.
Think of it as weeding the garden.
In the post-trauma and even further along in the post-post-trauma we need things streamlined, cleared up, and cleaned out. Make life as simple as possible.
There’s so much to manage. Things that aren’t truly supporting our life and our restoration are simply and truly too much. Dump ’em like sorting out rusty hinges and broken tricycles and tattered stained curtains. Here are some things we can do to weed our garden.
Continue reading