Author Archives: Jennifer Smith

Chewy Cashew Butter Cookies

Got the blahs…?
Need some pandemic entertainment?
Whether solo or
with a family group, these cookies hit the spot.

This might not be the space we’re all in… but oh my gosh. If you’re feeling this pandemic like I am, today is especially tough. Don’t know why but it seems I got hit with it somewhere in the middle of the night and woke up with a slowly dawning sense of blah.

I’m well and far away from the days of con man related trauma and recovery. Many of us are in the thick of it. And where ever we are we’re in the midst of this world crisis and it’s hitting us all.

Hoax or Real

Whether you believe the numbers and are isolating or even more so if you feel it’s all a hoax to take away our freedoms, there’s much, much trauma we’re each and all sustaining.

cashew butter cookies

Here’s what I did for my Covid19 housebound blues.

After a bit of indulgent lounging I made myself get up off the couch.

Then I pulled out the old keyboard to share with you a recipe I whipped up just the other day.

We All Want Comfort and Carbs

Trauma often calls for comfort food. And in this case, be sure to take notice: give ourselves the recognition and acknowledgment that we’re freakin’ amazing. We went through and thrive after a con man hijacking… and we’ll win in 2020!

Creativity and Action Keep Us Mentally Okay

A few days ago, I made peanut butter cookies, but not-peanut-butter cookies! I substituted the 1/2 a cup of peanut butter in the recipe for cashew butter that I had in the back of the fridge, and: added chopped raw walnuts! Yay!!!

I’ll tell you, I thought about making these cookies for a week at least before I finally got the motivation to do it. It was great because not only did I end up with amazing-so-delicious cookies, it led me to clean the kitchen up before I did the baking!

These cookies are the kind of delicious that I ate a bunch of the dough raw, and actually held some back, rolled them into tiny balls and froze them. They will later be inserted into Haggen Daz Vanilla ice cream. – Yah, it’s that kind of life right now. And that’s okay.

(Not Peanut Butter) Chewy Cashew Butter Cookies

Ingredients

  • 1 1/4 cup all-purpose flour 
  • 1 teaspoon baking soda 
  • 1/2 teaspoon salt 
  • 1/2 cup cashew butter (or almond butter or peanut butter) 
  • 1/2 cup (1 stick) unsalted butter, softened (If you only have salted butter cut the salt by half; use only 1/4 teaspoon.)
  • 3/4 cup packed brown sugar 
  • 1/4 cup granulated sugar 
  • 1 large egg 
  • 1 teaspoon vanilla
  • 3/4 cup chopped walnuts (or pecans or peanuts)
  • Parchment paper or extra butter to grease the cookie sheet

How To Make ‘Em

  • Lay the butter out to soften at room temperature
  • Measure the flour, salt, and baking soda into a bowl and blend
  • In a separate small bowl beat the egg and then stir in the vanilla
  • Measure the white and brown sugar together into another small bowl.
  • Cream the softened butter and the sugars together
  • Now mix the nut butter into the butter/sugar mixture
  • Then mix the butter/sugar/nut butter combo into the flour a bit at a time
  • Add the walnuts or pecans

Bake at 350 for 10 Minutes

  • Place by tablespoon full on parchment paper covered cookie sheet
  • If no parchment paper daub butter in each spot where you’re going to lay a cookie on the baking tray
  • Bake for approx ten minutes at 350
  • Be sure to not over bake
  • Let the cookies sit on the pan to cool down for 5 minutes
  • Transfer the cookies to a wire rack or anywhere handy honestly in this time of crisis
  • Store in an airtight container

So yum… They won’t be around long!

Here’s the original recipe
I converted the peanut butter to cashew butter

Enjoy!

Here’s to REAL True Love and Happiness!

Time to Thrive!

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As a certified coach upholding ICF standards and ethics, I strive to inform, educate, co-plan, co-strategize, advise, consult, refer, recommend, train, teach and coach people in guided recovery and discovery specific to these crimes, and from hell and broken in the aftermath to whole again, and more. We decide what winning is. We win.

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Sociopaths’ Sexual Traits: 20 Characteristics

Sleeping solo while Mr. Wonderful
snores in the next room?
Tired from relentless sexual attention?
She’s claiming she’s a virgin?
Wish they’d stop with the camera already?

Sociopaths’ sexual traits are hard to fathom. The matrix of any normal romantic relationship is the physical expression of love. The thing is, in these situations, from their side of it, love’s got nothing to do with it.

If you’ve been in it you’ve seen that people without a conscious and a heart aren’t having loving relationships that play out well or nicely. Let’s win by using this experience to expand our own humanity.

Deception Isn’t Sexy

These freaks take advantage of our normalness. This combined with their innate and natural power of influence, and our lack of understanding that they exist and what that means: we’re bound.

The thing is, there isn’t anything going on with one of these characters originating in a pure purpose or from a relatable kind of motivation. Not unless we include eating, sleeping, and using the facilities. This is where they stop being anything close to wholesome or normal.

Nothing a sociopath or that person you’re calling a narcissist or narc does is motivated by, inspired by, or grounded in the same things we care about or consider important. This is incredible to take in. And there’s nothing more confounding and painful in these faux-lationships than the sexual traits of a sociopath. If you’re recognizing these traits in the narc or narcissist, consider thinking of them as a sociopath for deeper understanding and an expanded change of healing and freedom.

There is resolution and full restoration.
What is recovery for you?

20 Sexual Traits of a Sociopath

Dr. Robert Hare is famous for putting together the “sociopath checklist“. The now well-known list of 20 characteristics of an antisocial psychopath, the sociopath aka psychopath.

Dr. Hare’s list is developed from his own years of clinical research of mainly imprisoned sociopaths. There are a lot of them behind bars.

However, his list is missing personal detail. And rightly so, since his list isn’t based on living with one, dating one, marrying one, or having a child with one of these surreal beasts.

Unless You’ve Been In It You Don’t Know It

Neither did Dr. Hare suffer the economic disaster of sharing a life with one under the umbrella and spell of their influence and fraud. And I’m guessing he didn’t sleep with one, because – if so – Dr. Hare’s sociopath checklist is missing a few things.

Dr. Hare’s Sociopath Checklist Is Missing a Few Things

Sociopaths Sexual Traits

20 Traits of Sociopaths’ Sexuality:

Reluctant Virgin: Some sociopaths claim sexual inexperience or innocence or (fake) religious beliefs to hold off on sex and keep from having sex. This can be a great ploy for the female sociopath to entice prey into a marriage with a “virgin bride”. This false stance works equally well when claimed by the male sociopath and is commonly used by any sociopath or narcissist.

Another element of pain within this setup is that the normal woman or man that they present this lie to then feels really badly about themselves and shame or embarrassed for wanting sexual intimacy. – It also makes the normal and deceived person try harder to make the relationship work. This “trying harder” doesn’t go unnoticed by the predator.

The nut job pathological user simply wants out of having sex with us; they have though definitely noticed that this false claim of sexual reluctance and innocence tames and subdues their prey.

After all, which of us normal people can go against someone’s religious beliefs or sexual inexperience, when both of these are socially and culturally touted as “good”? We’re not going to balk at that but try to meet it. – So much malarkey.

Breaking Up With Evil

Breaking Up with Evil, by Jennifer Smith on Amazon and Good Reads

Breaking Up with Evil: Escaping Coercive Control on Amazon

Five women’s true stories of being ensnared hauled through the confusion, lies, fear, and pain, and breaking away.

Told in their own words, they leave nothing unsaid. Find validation and see new glimpses of the truth as they share their stories… Stories that could be any of ours.

Lights, Camera, Action!

The Producer: Make no mistake, even while playing the reluctant virgin with one target, the very same sociopath might be the producer in the bedroom with another target.

Taking photos and videos of themselves, and of the person they’ve roped into their spell who’s sprawled spread-eagle, or backside-up, or in some other compromising and irregular position much to their own surprise is the order of the day for the sexual “producer”. These escapades often include the introduction of forced consumption of drugs or alcohol.

Turn Over Rover

They Like The Backside of Things: Male sociopaths have a thing for anal sex. Not all of us are shown this “delightful” (not) trait. Many of us are shown this either in practice or the wishes they directly express or we suspect it.

Are Against Homosexuality: Oh, good gravy… What’s that phrase about protesting too much? Well, they do it. Male sociopaths proclaim to be “against being gay” or that they don’t “believe in” homosexuality. They say that they think it’s a sin, a “choice”, and anything else to put it down and play it down and scandalize it.

These sentiments might not be expressed often, but always emphatically. And they tell stories about it. And ask questions about it. More like they’re fascinated by it… and do it.

It Isn’t Personal

They abandon our bed. There are excuses they make for leaving the “couple bed”. Or not. They just do it.

Have Sex With Any Gender: Unbeknownst to us, they are out there, doing it with pretty much anyone of absolutely any gender under the sun. In essence, sociopaths are genderless themselves.

Any Age Fills the Bill: Children, adults, teens, older, elderly… it matters little. Any person is viable prey.

So Many, So Many People All at Once: Sociopaths are very, very busy ensnaring prey. It is literally their job. And sex is the number one tool to bring in and land prey. In any given week the number of people they’re sexually active with is potentially unlimited. And then in some cases, they seem to sit home and remain sexually-solo in front of their laptops.

Sociopaths Bind Prey with Sex

Sex is a Binding Tool: These people need us. We don’t need them. Sexual encounters mean something to us and also, quite conveniently for the sociopath, have an actual physiological effect on us that inspires a deep bond within us towards the person we do it with. – They don’t bond, they bind.

These freaks take advantage of our normalness. This combined with their innate and natural power of influence, and our lack of understanding that they exist and what that means: we’re bound. Sex is a powerful binding tool.

Is Anybody There?

We are connecting, bonding, beautiful, and good inside and out. Embrace your own sweet life with compassion.

Sex Is Not Out of Love: They don’t love anyone. Really. This is so hard to take. These nut bags are not “attracted” to anyone.

They Make No Eye Contact: During sex forget about long, loving eye gazing. Even in daily life the sociopath rarely looks us in the eye. When they do it’s because they’re gleaning info about how to snag and pass as normal people “better” in order to make more use and for longer of real and normal people

During sex, they might look at us, or in our direction, but truly their million-yard stare is aimed off who-knows-where into the distance. Some of us are given a deep and scary stare that goes right through us.

Sociopaths Withhold Sex

Withhold Sex: Unbelievably, while they need sexual contact with their prey in order to ensnare them into one-on-one personal love scams, they don’t really like this sex. The sociopath, seen as so sexual and “so good at sex”, has no actual desire to knock boots with us.

We see through them, or we ask so many questions they falter in their confidence that they can carry on the fraud. They end it or we do because these things can’t last.

It’s extremely common that the sociopath, both male, and female, withdraws sexual activity from primary prey once we’re established in their lives. that is once we’re months into a “relationship” where we live together.

What’s happening is that as soon as we’re locked in after that first solid few weeks, their sexual capacity and quota are going to other places to bind other newer prey. They don’t like to do more work than needed. In light of this and as a common-sense aspect in anyone’s life: they need to put their time and attention where it brings them benefit.

And omg, does this sudden slide into being rejected or ignored sexually make us sad! It confounds us. It leaves us – naturally and bizarrely – finding signs of true love in small things, such as in the way they make us coffee in the morning. Or layout our workout clothes. Or kiss the dog goodbye before they go out. Uuuuhhhhg. This is a natural and normal human response to declare markers of their affection in other places when they turn off the sex.

There’s No Protection From Their Side

Do Not Wear Condoms: When they do get down to it they aren’t wearing a sheath. The nutter I was married to carried condoms with him everywhere. In his pocket were gold foil-wrapped Trojans.

To my knowledge, he never unwrapped one and applied it to his body. And I talked with three of the women he was preying upon, so that confirmed at least four of us all at once. There were more. There are always more.

STDs Are Another One of Their Secrets: If (when) they get one we won’t know unless we get it from them or are contacted by someone else who did. These nutbags just are not going to tell us. So many surreptitious STD exams go on in their world. They know they have an illness, they don’t care if we get it.

Understanding Is Where We Heal

Sociopaths and Erectile Dysfunction (Non-function)

Sociopaths Can’t Keep It Up: Well, yah… I mean, realize, they aren’t genuinely into it in an emotional way. They don’t experience “attraction” in the way that we do. So… Once the excitement of entrapping someone is over, things can go pretty limp.

Viagra Is Their Middle Name: So many of them just can’t do it or keep things up without chemical aids. Viagra is common. Then there’s the darker side including MDMA, GHB/GBL, or something to knock us out such as a roofie cocktail, maybe weed laced with ketamine so that they can do things that should not ever be done to anyone or so that we don’t notice there was no sex.

Party of Three

Let’s win by using this nightmare to serve the function of leading us to expand our lives. Embrace and deepen our own amazing capacity for bonding, love, and trust.

Threesomes: And polyamory or swinger parties. Open marriages, swaps. Polyamory. (Eye roll.) The introduction of these things by telling us a story about other people who do this is bait. It’s a way to talk about what they do and have done and to monitor how we feel about it. They want to feel us out to see if we might join in. They want to discover if they need to keep these habits of theirs under wraps or if they can admit to it and we’ll still stay hooked.

Sleep in Another Room: They abandon our bed. There are excuses they make for leaving the “couple bed”. Or not. They just do it. It happens in the case of primary prey, meaning us who see ourselves as the spouse or domestic partner. Those of us in these live-in or marriage roles are mostly sleeping solo. Sex is withheld or severely modified down to next to nothing. Be glad about this. Be glad. This is the best it could be for your emotional, mental and physical health.

Porn Night and Day

Porn, Morning, Noon, and Night: Good gravy. We might see this. Maybe we discover it after they’re gone. Sometimes we’re asked to partake in it, however, usually, it’s their private, secret – obsessive – sexual activity. Within the realm of porn, anything goes and the sociopath will have a specific penchant. MW, MM, WW, kids, animals, “shemales”, ladyboys with all the options and whatever their “thing” is.

BDSM, Debauchery, Degradation: Bondage, dominance, sadism, masochism, h.i.d.e.o.u.s form of making use of others and for getting off on harming others. There are some who ask to be pooped on, peed on, and Heaven’s to Betsy, whatever else they think of. This dynamic is often induced with the aid of varying drugs or alcohol.

Prostitutes: They can easily go to them. They can easily sell themselves if it’s their thing. Being an “escort” is an easy-peasy job for them. It’s all about pretending anyway.

The Sad Truth Serves Up Freedom

In all of this, there are only a few variations. The truth of it is, every sociopath is alike in motivation, thinking, beliefs that “everything is theirs” and that supreme sense of their own amazingness.

These people of psychopathy vary one from the other only in a few ways. They vary in: how much drug use, how much violence and when, the depths of their sexual deep-end, the law-book crimes in their repertoire, the number of kids, spouses and fiances and significant others they have at any one time or tucked in their “past”.

Also if they gamble or not (seems to be an either-or), how many places they live at once, how many towns, cities, or countries they function within. You get the scene here. This stuff isn’t a maybe, it’s how much.

Win As We Untangle the Deception

As hard and gross and sickening as this is to take in, I hope that for each and every one of us reading this there’s some validation in seeing that you’re not the only one with this experience. We weren’t “devalued” though we felt that way. We weren’t “discarded” though it can seem so and hurts. The reality is: the sociopath failed and bailed.

The jig is up. It ends. We see through them, or we ask so many questions they falter in their confidence that they can carry on the fraud. They end it or we do because these things can’t last. These are crimes of deception rather than relationships. Their reason for being here is not the same as ours.

Let’s win by using this nightmare to serve the function of leading us to expand our lives. Embrace and deepen our own amazing capacity for bonding, love, and trust. We’re connecting, beautiful, and good inside and out. Wrap your own sweet self with compassion.

Here’s to REAL True Love and Happiness!

Time to Thrive!

Join the podcast!

Have a listen: Narcissistic Abuse Unwound

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Add these to your contacts
so you don’t miss a newsletter!
jennifer@truelovescam.com
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Subscribe True Love Scam Recovery Jennifer Smith

As a certified coach, upholding industry standards I strive to inform, educate, invite thought and dialogue, to co-plan, co-strategize, advise, consult, refer, recommend, train, teach, guide and coach people in guided recovery and discovery specific to these crimes, and from hell and broken in the aftermath to whole again, and more. You decide what winning is.

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2020_05_12 2022_11_05

Text: Good Morning Beautiful

So! You’ve just met someone new!
Out of the blue and you’re on cloud nine.
Vibin’ like crazy!

Have you had that incoming early morning text: good morning beautiful? A few hours later: you’re on my mind. Another text: I miss you. Afternoon text: I can’t stop thinking of your smile… Late-night text: what did you do today? And later night text: sleep tight.

I know how amazing it feels! And also I know that if it had stayed feeling good, you wouldn’t be reading this right now. I’m so sorry you crossed paths with someone who can drop you like a hot potato like it was all nothing. – Because you are not nothing. You’re real and amazing and you’re gorgeous inside and out.

Continue reading

Why Do Sociopaths Have Babies?

There is no love inside the sociopath.
It simply is not there.
Not for you, me, or anyone.
So, why do sociopaths have babies?

Why do sociopaths have babies? We watch them abandon kids, steal from their children, ignore them, abuse them… Why do they bother?

Or – if you’re calling these monsters a “narcissist” – why do “narcissists” have babies? Whatever you’re calling these demons they’re having babies they don’t love, don’t connect with, don’t want, and simply see as an object to make use of. Babies they ignore, treat badly, and use as a bargaining chip.

These monster beings have no empathy, no connection, and no guilt. All people outside of their own bodies are things to use to do whatever they want with. They feel they own everyone and everything around them. So, why do sociopaths have babies?

Continue reading

Narcissism Leaves No Room for Caring

Narcissism is a hot topic these days. Narcissism comes up as a discussion point at any dinner party, on a girl’s night out, at a hang, or during a pub crawl. It’s spiked all over the place.

Personally, the topic comes up almost everywhere I go! I don’t know why… but people start talking to me in the Trader Joe’s line on the track at the park and… voila. They’re describing their experience with a sociopath. Maybe I have an invisible sign on my forehead!

Complete Narcissism Heeds No Boundaries and Eclipses Normal

coaching after narcissistic abuse and coercive control with Jennifer Smith, True Love Scam Recovery

For certain they tell me about someone they consider pathologically steeped in narcissism. Usually a person they were in a romantic relationship with… or thought they were. One that took them to their knees.

Naturally, we’re confused, befuddled, and boggled that a person could actually not care. Well, a normal person can’t *not* care. A pathologically narcissistic person does actually not care.

A pathologically narcissistic human is a sociopath: Take The Sociopath Test, this will give you an idea of what they are…

There’s No Such Thing as A “Narcissist”…?

You might be calling them a “narcissist” and think they are the way they are due to a wounded childhood – that’s fine. However, this is in reference to the non-pathological – not the pathological.

The pathologically narcissistic are these monsters who hijack people’s lives. The ones who lie and lie and lie – even when they wouldn’t need to in order to benefit. They are the way they are because this is what they are…it’s how their brains are wired and cannot be undone. – These are sociopaths…and technically they’re psychopaths.

This is really difficult to imagine, take in, and accept. As a step in this, consider what limits your scope of understanding and which viewpoints might hinder recovering and restoring your life.

If you still have questions, get yourself some sessions.

Sociopaths aka Narcissists aka Psychopaths Are Real

Here’s a great rule of thumb: if you’re suspecting someone in your life is a sociopath or pathologically narcissistic, they likely are. Otherwise, and truly beyond this, a diagnosis isn’t necessary. It’s our instinct we want to look to and trust.

Either you’ve had an experience you lived through with a sociopath, or you might know someone among your family or a friend who has been in this hell or maybe know a friend who’s currently in it. It’s possible you have a child or parent or family member who is a person of pathological narcissism.

I hear from clients about brothers who walk into a room at night to kill their sister or mothers who use their child’s identity to take out loans. A father or a sister can be a sociopath as well.

Sociopaths are individuals who are narcissistic to the extreme, therefore if we use our way of thinking to decern what they are doing we always miss the mark. We can decipher and parse out more of what happened and recover, and heal when we think of these people as antisocial psychopaths, sociopaths, or psychopaths. The ultimate condition of ultimate and complete narcissism.

Breaking Up with Evil: Escaping Coercive Control on Amazon

Five women’s true stories of being ensnared hauled through the confusion, lies, fear, and pain, and breaking away.

Told in their own words, they leave nothing unsaid. Find validation and see new glimpses of the truth as they share their stories… Stories that could be any of ours.

Join the podcast!

Have a listen: Narcissistic Abuse Unwound

Narcissism Understood For What It Is

And nowadays for me, not at all surprising, there are those who out-and-out say, yep, my dad is a sociopath. Or my last boyfriend was a sociopath, an absolute psycho. And, my brother’s wife is one, we haven’t been allowed to see him or their kids in two years.

A person of the kind of narcissistic pathology we’re concerned with has no other physiological or biological, mental, emotional spiritual way to interact with others.

The next thing I hear most often is, I’m not sure what they are. Something’s wrong. But how do you know if someone’s a sociopath or just dysfunctional in relationships?

Here’s a great rule of thumb: if you’re suspecting someone in your life is a sociopath or pathologically narcissistic, they likely are. Otherwise, and truly beyond this, a diagnosis isn’t necessary. It’s our instinct we want to look to and trust.

Toxic People Are Seen in Their Behavior

The person we’re experiencing pain with or have great conflicting confusion about is best analyzed through their behavior. It’s what’s key.

As a parent to someone of this pathology, it’s surely noticed long before they’re unable to form relationships of a romantic nature as an adult. As someone dating one of these nut jobs, it’s truly seen from moment one and we can learn to recognize that.

Narcissism Leaves No Room For Caring

This pathology does not allow relationships of any kind. The goal and motivation of one of these pathological users are to do whatever they please and to get away with it. Additionally, their only ability to “connect” or “relate” to others is to make use of them for their personal gain.

A person with the kind of narcissistic pathology we’re concerned with has no other physiological or biological, mental, emotional spiritual way to interact with others. They quite consciously and deliberately attempt to wear a mask of normal.

Seeing Clearly is Key

It’s very often us, as people who feel we love them or grew up with them or have gone into business with them who imbue them with emotional qualities. We create explanations for their behavior that are “feelings” based.

If you hear yourself saying, “well, she was abused by her uncle”, or “he had a rough childhood” – be wary. When we think, “well, yeah, he did that, but it’s because he feels bad about himself because of_____. Stop yourself before you paint that picture. We create reasons for their behavior; reasoning that does not exist in their psyche or heart.

We imagine the reasons for their actions and fill in an emotional life to explain their behaviors that in fact do not exist within the life of the pathological user. Reasons that are not at all the user’s motivation. – This is one way in which it can be said, we create the mask.

We Are Not in Relationships Though We Feel We Are

These people know they are not in the so-called “relationship” for the reason the non-pathological (normal) person is.

Survival is found in counting on the normal person not knowing their true intention. Their existence requires deception and fraud and this is the nature of any and all of their “relationships”.

Taking, Using, Deception and Fraud are Rooted in Narcissism

In practice, you see pathological users of the sociopath ilk use others for money, places to live, respectability by the association to someone, for connections to others to make use of, for anything and everything.

We usually discover “other women”, debt, overspending of our money, porn, messages of a personal nature to people we’ve never heard of, hidden run-ins with legal issues, and things like DUIs. There’s typically a general vagueness to how they spend their day no matter how busy they make themselves out to be.

Narcissism Leaves Pain, Confusion, and Despair

The trail of harm and hurt and destroyed people these creatures leave in their wake does not faze them in the least. Here’s where we go off track deciphering their actions: the pain and destruction aren’t necessarily their goal. It’s not typically their initial goal upon first engaging with someone in a faux-lationship.

Our pain and ruin do signal to them that we don’t understand what they’re up to or their true intentions and feelings about us. Ever notice the smirk?

This is their pride showing; their narcissistic pride in a job well done from their point of view. The tears and accusations signal we’re emotionally hooked and involved. This is all they need.

If a pathological user enjoys observing others’ pain, our suffering is an extra bonus. When they’re the kind of pathological user and predator who enjoys seeing people in pain and this is their predominant desire, then our pain is their goal. These particular narcissistic users are soemtimes focused on scamming someone and are more focused on creating pain and torture. Some do both.

Narcissism to a Pathological Degree Disallows Caring

They genuinely do not care. There is no ability to care within them. This brain pathology leaves them unable to care. This is to say, they don’t make a decision to “not care”. That kind of decision would be a choice made that comes from weighing things out between caring and not caring; a choice that comes from caring. This is impossible.

They literally and starkly and completely do not care. Any suggestion of caring is a lie and a piece of bait in order to get something they want or leave the impression that they too are normal and trustworthy.

The notion that they care, comes from us. A quality or character trait of “caring” about or for someone else is not within them. It is indeed a quality that makes up our entire being.

Making Use Of Others Requires That We Don’t See Them

It’s normal that we don’t see this for what it is. No one can see something that we don’t know exists. We’re all in the process of realizing this dark and destructive empty, non-connecting element of human life does exist. It’s a lot to take in.

We can take it in, and we must for our wholeness and our well-being. We get to remain fully human and empathetic and gorgeously human and at the same time learn what a pathological predator is and how to recognize them. When we do know how to spot them they are left powerless.

When we can escape, heal, recover and restore our lives to one of gorgeous humanism including this new wisdom we win for ourselves and for all humankind.

As we recover from our own entanglement, the piece that must be woven into the recovery process and come out fully knitted together on the other side, is in knowing how the pathological user – the narc, narcissist, sociopath – sees the world, how they think and what that truly means. If this is missing, the restoration of our lives is compromised. This is when we look like scrumptious dinners to the next user who sees us.

It’s us gaining the skills to recognize and know a pathological user or predator for precisely what they are and what they intend on sight, no matter what is coming off their keyboard or out of their mouths, that leaves us user-proof forever. – This great empathy, this incredible skill we have to read others’ feelings… This is our saving grace not at all a weakness or downfall.

Defusing Narcissism, Unmasking Their Intent Is Up To Us

The day that comes when enough of us can see them as they are, then all of us will. This is the phenomenon known as a collective consciousness and the tipping point. When enough of us have this knowledge all will.

As people who’ve experienced this directly, we’re here carrying out a service, we’re turning our suffering into a mission that will, in fact, diffuse the harm. We’re pretty amazing. When we can escape, heal, recover and restore our lives to one of gorgeous humanism including this new wisdom we win for ourselves and for all humankind.

Here’s to REAL True Love and Happiness!

Time to Thrive!

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As a certified coach, upholding industry standards I strive to inform, educate, invite thought and dialogue, to co-plan, co-strategize, advise, consult, refer, recommend, train, teach, guide and coach people in guided recovery and discovery specific to these crimes, and from hell and broken in the aftermath to whole again, and more. You decide what winning is.

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Affiliate links are in every True Love Scam Recovery article. Clicks on these links provide minor compensation to keep the site running. www.truelovescam.com and its agents are not licensed as attorneys, medical doctors, psychiatrists, psychologists, or therapists. See the entire and full True Love Scam Recovery Privacy Policy and Legal Agreement and Disclaimer here. Thank you.

2020_03_10 2023_05_30

SOS Partners: True Stories Real Answers

Would you like to help others to know that they aren’t alone?
To let them know that they aren’t crazy?
To inspire them and give them the courage to break free?

By being a part of the next SOS Partners project, you’ll be changing lives and shifting how the world views the dynamics of predator and prey.

Every day another person realizes that they’re in danger and begins to break free. Your own horrific experience can serve some good in helping others and in bringing this surreal reality to light.

Turn Our Suffering to Support for Others

By sharing your story you can help thousands of men, women, families, and children giving them the chance to discover they are not alone. Giving them the chance to untangle the real truth about their isolating and terrifying situations.

If you’d like to consider being a part of the SOS Partners project, simply fill in the form below to be emailed the brief describing the SOS Project and how you can be a part of changing someone else’s world through your own experience.

Be sure to add these email addresses to your contacts so that you don’t miss a thing! jennifer@truelovescam.com and info@truelvescam.com

To be sure my emails
land in your inbox,
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And: info@truelovescam.com

Take a look here at Book 1:
Breaking Up with Evil: Escaping Coercive Control
Five Women’s True Stories

If you think you’d like to possibly be an SOS Partner, it starts here.
Send in this form, below, and we’ll respond with a brief of the project.

  • Thank you!!

Reach out anytime. I’m always here to reply, jennifer@truelovescam.com

Narcissistic Abuse Unwound: The Podcast

Here’s to REAL True Love and Happiness!

Time to Thrive!

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As a certified coach upholding coaching industry standards and ethics, I strive to inform, educate, co-plan, co-strategize, advise, consult, refer, recommend, train, teach and coach people in guided recovery and discovery specific to these crimes, and from hell and broken in the aftermath to whole again, and more. We decide what winning is. We win.

Visit truelovescam’s profile on Pinterest.

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Affiliate links are in every True Love Scam Recovery article. Clicks on these links provide minor compensation to keep the site running. www.truelovescam.com and its agents are not licensed as attorneys, medical doctors, psychiatrists, psychologists, or therapists. See the entire and full True Love Scam Privacy Policy and Legal Agreement and Disclaimer here. Thank you.

2020_01_29 2023_05_30

Solo Holidays: Post Apocalyptic Break Up

Solo holidays starkly, sharply illuminate
the post-shit-show
aloneness we’re sitting right in the middle of.
Yes, it’s better now that its over,
but the PTSD and reality of “now” makes for
less than cozy solo holidays if
sorrow takes hold of us.

So, the breakup happened. You’re on your own. This means that solo holidays are here. Looming-ominous since a few weeks ago, now it’s really just right here. The day of Hanukah. Christmas Eve. Christmas, Boxing Day, New Year’s Eve, New Year’s Day… And holy heck before we know it: Valentine’s Day.

Everyone’s walking around smiling and aiming arrows at our hearts and souls with sparkly, effervescent, Happy Holidays!!! If it makes you wanna punch ’em, rest assured you’re not alone in this sentiment.

And if one more clerk at Trader Joe’s says: What are you doing for the Holidays?… I catch myself thinking, to the moon, to the moon, Alice. – Well, I can’t let myself feel so bad over some made-up days mid-winter. Or mid anything. Ever.

Continue reading

Dating a Sociopath: Feeling Crazy

Dating a sociopath feels like
an episode of American Horror Story.
The reality is, it happens in real life.
Wondering if we’re crazy is a sure sign
we’re dating a sociopath or a narcissistic user.

Dating a sociopath aka dating a narcissist can only lead one place. There’s a surreal feeling you can’t shake. That horrifying feeling that the world has dropped from beneath your feet. And thinking you’re losing you’re mind… asking, am I crazy?

You can feel in a double-bind of “crazy” crazy dating a sociopath because horror-of-all-horrors, you just might feel that you still love them even though they’ve done horrific things. Even with the lies and all their narcissistic behavior.

We’re Perfectly Normal

It’s normal and natural human to think maybe… we ask in a tiny moment, in a tiny part of our mind,  Am I crazy!? And what the heck, like a normal person this thought would stem from the fact art they took the time to tell us we’re crazy!

But remember…? They lie. That narcissist (if you’re still calling them that) or that sociopath you’re dating loves to tell all their prey that they’re crazy.

Dating a Sociopath Make Us Feel Crazy

We’re not crazy, we’re just discovering we’re ensnared by what’s called a sociopath or person with an antisocial personality disorder. And it’s okay if you call them a narcissist.

It’s true that we’re feeling crazy because we’re escaping a sociopath or a narcissist as they’re sometimes called.

How Deeply Do You Want to Recover?

Confusion, Terror, Loss…

The whirlwind of confusion, terror, damage, loss, anger, and ptsd caused by one of these scumbags makes us think we’re crazy.

It’s absolutely normal that after the break up we find ourselves running around calling people, strangers even and asking questions. We’re writing warning notes and emails to women we don’t know. Looking up addresses, sifting through Facebook pages.

Googling Is the Answer

Looking up addresses, sifting through Facebook pages. We might make a fake Facebook account, a fake email to check on those other women, or on him, or her, or them.

No matter what crazy things you do… You’re still not crazy. Not really. Not even if you look into getting a private investigator. Dating a sociopath leaves us thinking everyone’s talking about us. It leaves us feeling absolutely crazy – we are not.

Dating a Sociopath or Narcissist Brings Out a Sense of Crazed

Feeling crazy while dating a narcissist or a sociopath happens. And in fact, it all begins day one. Dating a sociopath gets crazier and confusion escalates from there. It all spikes and climbs form that first swirling sensation of having found Mr. Beyond Perfect. Right there in the chaos of Ms. Beyond Right.

Next time he says something insulting or provoking: stay silent. Or give an answer that’s not the norm. Maybe something very calmly without hostility, or hurt, or anger like: “Well, if that’s how you feel about it, that’s your problem”, and walk away.

As things spin long and we finally get to a place that we have to stop it all, we’re in for more crazy. This is because unfortunately, the worst time of feeling like maybe we’re crazy is when it’s over. It’s all a result of being lied to unknowingly, deceived unknowingly and then: suddenly knowing it.

Dating a sociopath leaves us feeling crazy as we begin to realize something’s wrong. And we feel still crazier after we come to a pretty firm realization, this person I’m dating is nuts. – Maybe at this point, we’ve heard the words sociopath or narcissist.

Crazy We Are Not: Crazy They Are

Even still, we are not crazy. (But they sure are.) Feeling crazy is the natural reaction and physiological result of being involved with a liar. But no, crazy we are not.

I guarantee you’ll feel more and more un-crazy the more purposeful and deliberately you come out of the emotional spin and into a way of looking at things that resolves the crazy. As we get further away from them and more into the truth crazy diminishes and they do too.

5 Signs They Are the Crazy One

Sign Number One

A sure sign that we’re dating Mr. Nut-So is when they lose it and call us names. This is so whether it’s done to our face or in the smear campaign. Narcissists who are really sociopaths love to call us things like, crazy, psycho, stalker, idiot, evil, devil, whore, liar, cheater and other delightful things.

He’s doing this because he’s afraid. Yes. They are afraid of us. Because they need us. – We do not need them in any way though it might feel like it. If they know were suspecting they’re up to something the anger and name-calling come out.

Once they know their cover is blown the rage at this shows up in scenarios that inspire our intimidation and shame. They rage and then slap that nice-face back in place before we see too much of the sociopath behind the mask. The narcissist and the sociopath have an intense fear of losing their grip on us.

Crazy Comes For Deception and Lies: The Other Women

We’re lied to about anything under the sun. Frequently one of the first lies we start to suspect is the lie about “other women”. We feel like there’s something going on, there’s someone else… things are just not right.

We feel – and know – that it isn’t us they’re into. Bizarrely this can draw us more deeply into wanting them and into wanting the narcissistic sociopath we’re dating to want us.

Here’s What They Think:

“To draw you closer, an aura of desirability is created—of being wanted and courted by many. It will become a point of vanity for you to be the preferred object of their attention, to win them away from a crowd of admirers. They manufacture the illusion of popularity by surrounding themselves with members of the opposite sex: friends, former lovers, and your eventual replacement. Then, they create triangles that stimulate rivalry and raise their perceived value.” – Adapted, “The Art of Seduction” by Robert Greene, Sociopaths and Triangulation

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Narcissistic abuse recovery sessions.
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Gain freedom forever from predators.
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Sociopaths and Narcissists are Predictable

The sociopath uses a few standard tactics to keep us spinning. One Huge-O-Horrible one is: he’ll talk about another woman who is better than we are, who loves him better, who understands him more,  and how bad we are by comparison.

This is called triangulation. It keeps us wanting to make him happy. It keeps us wanting to prove we’re good enough, better than her, (or them) and he should love us.

The real truth is: She’s not having any fun either, or soon won’t be. He’s going to take her (and all of them) through the five stages of true love scam as well. And… by now we know the truth about sociopaths’ sex lives don’t we…?

Vanity Has Nothing To Do With It

I don’t believe for one second this extra crazy-making losing has anything to do with vanity. There’s a certain aspect built into the bones and DNA of a pathological user (a sociopath).

Dating a sociopath is something people fall into due to their innate over the top effect and magnetism over the people who admire, or like, or feel they love them. This effect naturally leaves us feeling crazy.

Additionally, it’s natural to bond and to try to make things work. We’re not looking for someone to be lying or deceiving us; we’re looking to make things work.

Humans Need Validation and Praise

“When praised highly by others, one feels that there is no hardship one cannot bear. Such is the courage that springs from words of praise. …When praised, one does not consider one’s personal risk, and when criticized, one can recklessly cause one’s own ruin. Such is the way of common mortals.”  – The True Aspect of All Phenomenon, Nichiren Daishonin

Confusion is a Sign of Dating a Narcissist aka Sociopath

Sign Number Two

The things he says make us confused. – Because the things he says are confusing. They don’t make logical sense. They aren’t expressing genuine emotions or thoughts or many genuine ideas.

There are things we can learn to decipher and decode the sociopath or narcissist we’re dating. We can come to comprehend everything the sociopath does and says so that we aren’t bamboozled but can break free.

Feeling Inexplicably Not-Happy Signals an Abnormal Relationship

Sign Number Three

A definite sign of dating a sociopath or dating a narcissist comes in this mind-numbing misery. An unquantified, indefinable sense of unhappiness, of uneasiness and sadness.

It is not a sign that we’re crazy to be unhappy with a sociopath – there is no happiness to be had dating a sociopath or dating a narcissist. The emotional confusion and pain a sociopath inspires are subtle and obvious at the same time. It creates complete misery.

Narcissistic abuse recovery True Love Scam Recovery sessions Jennifer Smith

Trust Your Gut

Know that your body is telling us something with this unhappiness. Follow our instincts! Emotions are a symphony of chemical changes in the body. If yours are going up and down like a roller coaster and crashing harder after the drop each time: trust your gut. You’re not crazy. You’re suffering. We all deserve to be happy.

Listen to your intuition. Take some quiet time. Break the patterns with him. Next time he says something insulting or provoking: stay silent. Or give an answer that’s not the norm. Maybe something very calmly without hostility, or hurt, or anger like: well, if that’s how you feel about it, that’s your problem, and walk away. Keep cool.

Reach Out: Talk To and Tell People Who Love Us

Neon Sign Number Five

We feel afraid to tell people what’s happening. This is another effect of the sociopath’s spellbinding. The way we feel is so mixed up, and we’re afraid to get him in trouble or to make him mad and… maybe we’re just crazy.

Let’s stop that train wreck of post-trauma emotions turning into mistaken thoughts and ideas right there. The sociopath has a built-in effect on other humans; they scare us naturally with no effort on their part. This is an effect we’re going to feel for a long time even after he’s out the door and the lock has been changed.

We’ll go through trauma and post-trauma which is fear and doubt and confusion and feeling crazy. It is another illusion of their effect and the natural response to the deceit and falsehood they are. Know this… It will get easier.

We Try to Resolve Things & Take Responsibility

Tell-Tale Sign Number Five

Let’s say we still think maybe we’re crazy. Here – for fun and educational purposes is a test. A test to take to determine if we’re a sociopath. (Ha. We are so not.) Just a few easy questions that will fly by in a minute or two. Notice the questions. Notice the answers on the far end of the spectrum that indicate someone is a sociopath. Not such a fine list of traits.

Sociopath Test

Memorize the 20 characteristics of a sociopath, if you see one of these characteristics they’re likely all there. Reframe every nuance of interaction with him or with her through this lens. Set ourselves free, reframe the nightmare of dating a sociopath or a narcissist. Find your way back to happy.

Here’s to REAL True Love and Happiness!

Time to Thrive!

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SOS Partners
As a certified coach upholding ICF standards and ethics, I strive to inform, educate, co-plan, co-strategize, advise, consult, refer, recommend, train, teach and coach people in guided recovery and discovery specific to these crimes, and from hell and broken in the aftermath to whole again, and more. We decide what winning is. We win.

 Mental Health News Radio Network
Interview, 2017

Visit truelovescam’s profile on Pinterest.

True Love Scam on Tumblr.
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Affiliate links are in every True Love Scam Recovery article. Clicks on these links provide minor compensation to keep the site running. www.truelovescam.com and its agents are not licensed as attorneys, medical doctors, psychiatrists, psychologists or therapists. See the entire and full True Love Scam Privacy Policy and Legal Agreement and Disclaimer here. Thank you.

2019_12_21 2021_01_11

Heal PTSD with a Glass of Water

Heal PTSD with a glass of water? You betcha!
Our health takes a rapid-pitch decline after the scam.
A tonic for recovery comes in a humble glass of water.

Heal PTSD with a glass of water…? One glass may not change our world, but drinking that first glass then another and another marked a turning point for me from adrenaline overwhelm and trauma-survival-habits to healing.

In the aftermath and the initial shock in post-trauma eating wasn’t on my radar, and drinking meant coffee or wine.

For each of us as we scurry and panic and fly running errands to untangle the messes left behind by these creatures, the last thing we think about is preparing nutritious meals for ourselves. – As if we could choke them down.

Continue reading

Break Up: The Trouble with Getting Rid of Crazy

Break up? More like an escape.
And then how to get them off our tail?!
Why don’t they go away?

Break up. Yikes. When we’re in a relationship and the words – I think I need to break up – the first flash in our mind, we cringe. Breaking up is tough. It takes ages to think about, let alone to actually do. Even under the best of circumstances, breaking up is hard. Really hard.

In the kind of situation, you’re likely experiencing since you found this article in your quest for answers… Know you’re in the right place. Landing here after much confusion, sadness, and maybe some huge unresolved or inexplicable fights is the usual way.

And if you’re here because you’re thinking: Wtf is going on…?! Well then, I imagine you’ve been feeling blamed, ignored, frustrated, dissatisfied, mystified, and have even felt used. With all this stuff going on, getting to the place where we really and finally-for-good break up is extra hard to do.

What is recovery for you?
There’s nothing about you that made this happen.

Break Up or Bust

When we arrive here looking for answers and feel an urgent need to break up we’re pretty far down a twisted corridor of hell. You’ve known things were crazy. You know something’s wrong, and that you’re a long way from happy. And likely have been, and are in a maze of pain. A confusing place where nothing really changes for the better or resolves.

We finally muster the courage to bring up the break up and here they are sticking to us like chewed gum on the bottom of our flipflop. Where was all this togetherness months ago?

My hugest hope for you is that you’ll find yourself a deeper and maybe new way to think about your circumstances; that answers might begin to fill the gaps of wondering what’s wrong. That the thoughts and emotions can begin to make a different kind of sense and shift to benefit you.

In this tiny moment, I hope you can discover more about what it is you’re breaking up from, and how to go about it. – Let’s get to it and talk about the two difficulties in getting rid of crazy.

Break up From Crazy: A Break Up That Goes On For Ages

At the very mention of breaking up from crazy, they suddenly come back around and turn into Mr. Nice. or yes – Ms. Nice. She’s out there too!

Because of this, many of us try to end things many times before the final time and that’s perfectly okay. It really is. It takes as long as it takes.

Hopefully, we truly discover what this all was so that our cognitive dissonance and confusion can resolve. We all want to resolve each loss and heal the very specific trauma from this relationship that isn’t.

Let’s say you manage to tell them it’s over. The first issue is that they seem to not want to let go. They fight the break-up with an energy that’s light-years more intense than anything they applied to make things work.

We finally muster the courage to bring up the break-up and here they are sticking to us like chewed gum on the bottom of our flipflop. Where was all this togetherness months ago?

Breaking Up: Reaction Number One: Nice

Suddenly we find this self-focused person we’re trying to break up with is not ignoring us and is no longer ambivalent, nor emotionless. They’ve brought up the heat intensely, ramping up to keep us from our break-up goal.

They’re gonna whip out: Nice. Nice will be promises and slogans about how good we are together. This will be familiar. If they’re desperate enough they’ll throw in some begging. They might toss in something extra, tears.

When a pathological user is crying, take that as a guarantee that they’re in a tight position. In this scenario take this to mean that you’re very valuable to them as a resource.

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Why Can’t They Just Go?

From their point of view hanging on and the histrionics make sense. Why would the person who’s using us – making use of us – for their own entertainment or other things easily let us go? Their interest in hanging on to us is primal and fundamental.

Now that you’ve mustered up the courage to leave or tell them to hit the road dig deep to understand the truth of their intense reaction.

The way they react to us breaking up with them is in direct relation to what they gain from us. As always the spot we fulfill in their “needs” determines how they behave towards us. It stands to reason that if they could they’d keep us all in a cupboard forever to pull out whenever they need something.

Breaking Up With Evil

Breaking Up with Evil, by Jennifer Smith on Amazon and Good Reads

Breaking Up with Evil: Escaping Coercive Control on Amazon

Five women’s true stories of being ensnared hauled through the confusion, lies, fear, and pain, and breaking away.

Told in their own words, they leave nothing unsaid. Find validation and see new glimpses of the truth as they share their stories… Stories that could be any of ours.

Break Up: Reaction Number Two: Mean

On the other side of nice is mean. Once it seems we’re sticking to our guns about breaking up, the user brings on the second tool in their arsenal: Mean.

This is where they insult us and criticize us, and for some, this is when the violence comes in. They like to tell us we’re imagining things and that all the malarkey is our fault. This is what many people refer to as gaslighting.

Everything They Do Serves One Basic Purpose

Whatever we call it, this opposition, this word salad, nonsensical, crazy-making, gaslighting soup is extremely simplistic in purpose. Hold on to your hats for this one: insulting and telling us we’re imagining things has the same purpose as being nice. So, what’s it about? It’s to get us to shut up. This is all hot air and their own fear packaged into mean so that we don’t break up – in this case.

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It Takes as Long as It Takes

Here’s what’s going on: They respond with nice or mean depending on our importance to them in that particular moment. Just imagine for a split-second that love’s got nothing to do with it, even if they say it does.

Break Up Pain Galore

Hold your own hand now, and just for a sliver of time imagine that even though we think they love us… Breathe into the idea that maybe their love isn’t what we think it is. Let that marinate for a flash of a sliver of time.

Questions open up the door to another world of answers: For example, what if we feel and see what’s between ourselves and them as love – because we’re made of love – rather than because they can genuinely express love or feel love?

Questions Bring Answers: But Which Question?

Ask yourselves, rather than, Why doesn’t he do this-instead-of-that? Or, Why does he say these things? For one millisecond ask, What if he doesn’t actually love me? Yep. Try that on. Think about it, What if he doesn’t…? Not even if he brings on the waterworks and cries like a baby. What do things look like then? Is there more room for an answer to their actions?

If you’re the gateway to a group of people they want to use, they’ll hold on hard.

There are answers; there are logical reasons it’s hard to break up with them: We may come to a place where we realize that within their minds we each fill a spot that answers their varying needs and nothing more.

Users Use Others For Everything They Need

What they respond to in a break up is in accordance with their needs. If you’re key to them for a cozy place to sleep, or as a resource for money, access to a car, the internet, or a place to shower: They’re gonna balk at parting ways. When you’re the one thing that makes them seem respectable to others, they’re going to hang on.

We can learn to do what needs to be done, and say what needs to be said so that they can hear and understand, and so that they respond in the way that we need things to be for a change. Flip the tables.

For example, if it’s their parents who give them money or give them a stamp of approval that keeps them looking normal to the world, the pathological user (aka sociopath, aka narcissist) will hold on hard. If you’re the gateway to a group of people they want to use, they’ll hold on hard.

When we’re the place they eat, shower, hang out, get high, surf the internet, watch porn, jack off, sleep, brood, get their laundry done, are the address on their driver’s license, and serve as their home front to the world. Well, it makes sense, doesn’t it? Wouldn’t you hang on too?

Holding on for Goods and Services, Access to Others, or Respectability

They hold on hard if you’re the roof over their heads. When they have no one else ready on the side that they can quickly move in with, it’s us or the streets. Additionally, they hold on to us hard if this break up will make them look bad to someone else who provides something important.

A break up awakens the natural (for them) instinct to hold on to and continue to monitor their prey. Monitoring us is what hoovering is all about. In their minds it’s for their own safety.

Their point will be to get us to stop trying to break up. They want to get us to back off the break-up. to achieve this they’re going to use one or both of the only two tools a user has: Nice and mean. That’s all they got. – News flash: They aren’t geniuses or master manipulators.

The goal behind using these two tools is very simple. Because they need a place to stay, and along with that, likely a shower and that food in your fridge. To keep from being tossed out, they’ll be either nice or mean or more likely, a combination of both or a flip-flop between both.

Break-Up Avoidance on Their Part

So, it’ll be more promises; they hope the promises hit the spot in us emotionally leading us to soften and let them stay. Or they whip out accusations. They hurl insults. If this sparks guilt or shame or confusion or fear that it might lead us to cave. Either “nice” or “mean” can lead us to acquiesce and let them stay.

In Days of Plenty, We May Be of Little Value

On the other end of things, if they have plenty already, a breakup could potentially go more easily. If they have another place to hang out and play video games, they might easily walk away. If they have a “fiancé” eager to move them in… Well hells-bells, as my grandmother used to say, they’ll be gone before we can blink. – They can walk away so easily that we’re stunned.

Even so, their reaction to us ending the roller coaster with a breakup awakens the natural (for them) instinct to hold on to and continues to monitor their prey. Monitoring us is what hoovering is all about. In their minds, it’s for their own safety.

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Lightbulb moments.

Breaking Up is Gut-Wrenching

The truth is, breaking up with a pathological predator, a sociopath (quite likely that one you’re thinking of as a narcissist) is gut-wrenching and horrifying.

Here’s the thing: Just as “normal” behavior and thinking didn’t make anything better while we were “together”. Nothing normal is going to work in the breakup. Learn how to be, and do, and say what maneuvers them from our lives. Behaving and thinking from our point of view of “normal” will not work out well for us.

We can learn to do what needs to be done, and say what needs to be said so that they can hear and understand, and so that they respond in the way that we need things to be for a change. Flip the tables.

Break Up 101: Leaving and Lying: Break Up With Crazy

Here’s a bit of a start to what we can do… Leave ’em: Act as if everything is peachy. Have that (last) pizza together and then without them knowing it’s over, makes this pizza night your last contact.

Kiss ’em goodbye and then block them. Silence… Not a word to them. The effect of no contact is the hugest message we can send. This is not a message they haven’t “heard” before. Zillions of people have gone no contact with them before you.

Lie: Another option is one where we outright lie. Have that “break-up” talk and scenario. And tell them: You’re so great. I know it’s all my fault. – We’re lying.

They Lie and They Believe Lies

When we say this line, we don’t really feel this way about all the malarkey that’s gone down. But say this or your version of this so that we aren’t seen as a threat to them. Their perception is that when we break up, then we’re a threat. When we end it they think we just might tell everyone how horrible they are.

“Normal” takes responsibility, and many times even when there is no responsibility to be taken. This is the true place for boundaries. We are not responsible for their inhumanity.

Users don’t want us to tell others how horrible they are. Not wanting us to blow up their house of cards existence… They know their life is glued together with our “normal”; with our great goodness and true-blue realness. They do get it that they and their life is BS. – This is exactly what they ensnared us for: To hold their life together.

If we go around talkin’ – this would keep them possibly from grabbing onto other souls to make use of. And they really think that all the things they’ve done – even all that stuff we don’t know about – is going to come tumbling out of the closet. This fear of what we’ll do and say is part of why they hang on. And this fear is what the hoovering and all the smearing is all about.

We’re letting them think they’re amazing. This is deliberate. – this makes us a non-threat and leaves it easier for us to walk away without them hanging on or hoovering.

Find your way back to you.

Trust Your Gut

We know in our gut that we did nothing to make this person do the things they’re doing. We just didn’t. If sometimes you wonder if it was your fault. That simply proves that you’re normal and that you’re doing what “normal” does. We give second chances, and third chances.

“Normal” takes responsibility, and many times even when there is no responsibility to be taken. This is the true place for boundaries. We are not responsible for their inhumanity.

Break Up Bravery Takes Us Through It

Now that you’ve mustered up the courage to leave or tell them to hit the road dig deep to understand the truth of their intense reaction.

Hopefully, we truly discover what this all was so that our cognitive dissonance and confusion can resolve. We all want to resolve each loss and heal the very specific trauma from this relationship that isn’t. ‘Cause you are real. You are normal, and you get to be exactly what you are, which is beautiful inside and out.

Here’s to REAL True Love and Happiness!

Time to Thrive!

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As a certified coach, upholding industry standards I strive to inform, educate, invite thought and dialogue, to co-plan, co-strategize, advise, consult, refer, recommend, train, teach, guide and coach people in guided recovery and discovery specific to these crimes, and from hell and broken in the aftermath to whole again, and more. You decide what winning is.

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