Heal PTSD with a glass of water? You betcha! Our health takes a rapid-pitch decline after the scam. A tonic for recovery comes in a humble glass of water.
Heal PTSD with a glass of water…? One glass may not change our world, but drinking that first glass then another and another marked a turning point for me from adrenaline overwhelm and trauma-survival-habits to healing.
In the aftermath and the initial shock in post-trauma eating wasn’t on my radar, and drinking meant coffee or wine.
For each of us as we scurry and panic and fly running errands to untangle the messes left behind by these creatures, the last thing we think about is preparing nutritious meals for ourselves. – As if we could choke them down.
Break up? More like an escape. And then how to get them off our tail?! Why don’t they go away?
Break up. Yikes. When we’re in a relationship and the words – I think I need to break up – the first flash in our mind, we cringe. Breaking up is tough. It takes ages to think about, let alone to actually do. Even under the best of circumstances, breaking up is hard. Really hard.
In the kind of situation, you’re likely experiencing since you found this article in your quest for answers… Know you’re in the right place. Landing here after much confusion, sadness, and maybe some huge unresolved or inexplicable fights is the usual way.
And if you’re here because you’re thinking: Wtf is going on…?! Well then, I imagine you’ve been feeling blamed, ignored, frustrated, dissatisfied, mystified, and have even felt used. With all this stuff going on, getting to the place where we really and finally-for-good break up is extra hard to do.
When we arrive here looking for answers and feel an urgent need to break up we’re pretty far down a twisted corridor of hell. You’ve known things were crazy. You know something’s wrong, and that you’re a long way from happy. And likely have been, and are in a maze of pain. A confusing place where nothing really changes for the better or resolves.
We finally muster the courage to bring up the break up and here they are sticking to us like chewed gum on the bottom of our flipflop. Where was all this togetherness months ago?
My hugest hope for you is that you’ll find yourself a deeper and maybe new way to think about your circumstances; that answers might begin to fill the gaps of wondering what’s wrong. That the thoughts and emotions can begin to make a different kind of sense and shift to benefit you.
In this tiny moment, I hope you can discover more about what it is you’re breaking up from, and how to go about it. – Let’s get to it and talk about the two difficulties in getting rid of crazy.
Break up From Crazy: A Break Up That Goes On For Ages
At the very mention of breaking up from crazy, they suddenly come back around and turn into Mr. Nice. or yes – Ms. Nice. She’s out there too!
Because of this, many of us try to end things many times before the final time and that’s perfectly okay. It really is. It takes as long as it takes.
Hopefully, we truly discover what this all was so that our cognitive dissonance and confusion can resolve. We all want to resolve each loss and heal the very specific trauma from this relationship that isn’t.
Let’s say you manage to tell them it’s over. The first issue is that they seem to not want to let go. They fight the break-up with an energy that’s light-years more intense than anything they applied to make things work.
We finally muster the courage to bring up the break-up and here they are sticking to us like chewed gum on the bottom of our flipflop. Where was all this togetherness months ago?
Breaking Up: Reaction Number One: Nice
Suddenly we find this self-focused person we’re trying to break up with is not ignoring us and is no longer ambivalent, nor emotionless. They’ve brought up the heat intensely, ramping up to keep us from our break-up goal.
They’re gonna whip out: Nice. Nice will be promises and slogans about how good we are together. This will be familiar. If they’re desperate enough they’ll throw in some begging. They might toss in something extra, tears.
When a pathological user is crying, take that as a guarantee that they’re in a tight position. In this scenario take this to mean that you’re very valuable to them as a resource.
Looking for support and answers? Recovery is filled with lightbulb moments. You’re not alone.
From their point of view hanging on and the histrionics make sense. Why would the person who’s using us – making use of us – for their own entertainment or other things easily let us go? Their interest in hanging on to us is primal and fundamental.
Now that you’ve mustered up the courage to leave or tell them to hit the road dig deep to understand the truth of their intense reaction.
The way they react to us breaking up with them is in direct relation to what they gain from us. As always the spot we fulfill in their “needs” determines how they behave towards us. It stands to reason that if they could they’d keep us all in a cupboard forever to pull out whenever they need something.
Breaking Up With Evil
Breaking Up with Evil: Escaping Coercive Control on Amazon
Five women’s true stories of being ensnared hauled through the confusion, lies, fear, and pain, and breaking away.
Told in their own words, they leave nothing unsaid. Find validation and see new glimpses of the truth as they share their stories… Stories that could be any of ours.
On the other side of nice is mean. Once it seems we’re sticking to our guns about breaking up, the user brings on the second tool in their arsenal: Mean.
This is where they insult us and criticize us, and for some, this is when the violence comes in. They like to tell us we’re imagining things and that all the malarkey is our fault. This is what many people refer to as gaslighting.
Everything They Do Serves One Basic Purpose
Whatever we call it, this opposition, this word salad, nonsensical, crazy-making, gaslighting soup is extremely simplistic in purpose. Hold on to your hats for this one: insulting and telling us we’re imagining things has the same purpose as being nice. So, what’s it about? It’s to get us to shut up. This is all hot air and their own fear packaged into mean so that we don’t break up – in this case.
Here’s what’s going on: They respond with nice or mean depending on our importance to them in that particular moment. Just imagine for a split-second that love’s got nothing to do with it, even if they say it does.
Hold your own hand now, and just for a sliver of time imagine that even though we think they love us… Breathe into the idea that maybe their love isn’t what we think it is. Let that marinate for a flash of a sliver of time.
Questions open up the door to another world of answers: For example, what if we feel and see what’s between ourselves and them as love – because we’re made of love – rather than because they can genuinely express love or feel love?
Questions Bring Answers: But Which Question?
Ask yourselves, rather than, Why doesn’t he do this-instead-of-that? Or, Why does he say these things? For one millisecond ask, What if he doesn’t actually love me? Yep. Try that on. Think about it, What if he doesn’t…? Not even if he brings on the waterworks and cries like a baby. What do things look like then? Is there more room for an answer to their actions?
If you’re the gateway to a group of people they want to use, they’ll hold on hard.
There are answers; there are logical reasons it’s hard to break up with them: We may come to a place where we realize that within their minds we each fill a spot that answers their varying needs and nothing more.
Users Use Others For Everything They Need
What they respond to in a break up is in accordance with their needs. If you’re key to them for a cozy place to sleep, or as a resource for money, access to a car, the internet, or a place to shower: They’re gonna balk at parting ways. When you’re the one thing that makes them seem respectable to others, they’re going to hang on.
We can learn to do what needs to be done, and say what needs to be said so that they can hear and understand, and so that they respond in the way that we need things to be for a change. Flip the tables.
For example, if it’s their parents who give them money or give them a stamp of approval that keeps them looking normal to the world, the pathological user (aka sociopath, aka narcissist) will hold on hard. If you’re the gateway to a group of people they want to use, they’ll hold on hard.
When we’re the place they eat, shower, hang out, get high, surf the internet, watch porn, jack off, sleep, brood, get their laundry done, are the address on their driver’s license, and serve as their home front to the world. Well, it makes sense, doesn’t it? Wouldn’t you hang on too?
Holding on for Goods and Services, Access to Others, or Respectability
They hold on hard if you’re the roof over their heads. When they have no one else ready on the side that they can quickly move in with, it’s us or the streets. Additionally, they hold on to us hard if this break up will make them look bad to someone else who provides something important.
A break up awakens the natural (for them) instinct to hold on to and continue to monitor their prey. Monitoring us is what hoovering is all about. In their minds it’s for their own safety.
Their point will be to get us to stop trying to break up. They want to get us to back off the break-up. to achieve this they’re going to use one or both of the only two tools a user has: Nice and mean. That’s all they got. – News flash: They aren’t geniuses or master manipulators.
The goal behind using these two tools is very simple. Because they need a place to stay, and along with that, likely a shower and that food in your fridge. To keep from being tossed out, they’ll be either nice or mean or more likely, a combination of both or a flip-flop between both.
Break-Up Avoidance on Their Part
So, it’ll be more promises; they hope the promises hit the spot in us emotionally leading us to soften and let them stay. Or they whip out accusations. They hurl insults. If this sparks guilt or shame or confusion or fear that it might lead us to cave. Either “nice” or “mean” can lead us to acquiesce and let them stay.
In Days of Plenty, We May Be of Little Value
On the other end of things, if they have plenty already, a breakup could potentially go more easily. If they have another place to hang out and play video games, they might easily walk away. If they have a “fiancé” eager to move them in… Well hells-bells, as my grandmother used to say, they’ll be gone before we can blink. – They can walk away so easily that we’re stunned.
Even so, their reaction to us ending the roller coaster with a breakup awakens the natural (for them) instinct to hold on to and continues to monitor their prey. Monitoring us is what hoovering is all about. In their minds, it’s for their own safety.
Looking for support and answers? Lightbulb moments.
Breaking Up is Gut-Wrenching
The truth is, breaking up with a pathological predator, a sociopath (quite likely that one you’re thinking of as a narcissist) is gut-wrenching and horrifying.
Here’s the thing: Just as “normal” behavior and thinking didn’t make anything better while we were “together”. Nothing normal is going to work in the breakup. Learn how to be, and do, and say what maneuvers them from our lives. Behaving and thinking from our point of view of “normal” will not work out well for us.
We can learn to do what needs to be done, and say what needs to be said so that they can hear and understand, and so that they respond in the way that we need things to be for a change. Flip the tables.
Break Up 101: Leaving and Lying: Break Up With Crazy
Here’s a bit of a start to what we can do… Leave ’em: Act as if everything is peachy. Have that (last) pizza together and then without them knowing it’s over, makes this pizza night your last contact.
Kiss ’em goodbye and then block them. Silence… Not a word to them. The effect of no contact is the hugest message we can send. This is not a message they haven’t “heard” before. Zillions of people have gone no contact with them before you.
Lie: Another option is one where we outright lie. Have that “break-up” talk and scenario. And tell them: You’re so great. I know it’s all my fault. – We’re lying.
When we say this line, we don’t really feel this way about all the malarkey that’s gone down. But say this or your version of this so that we aren’t seen as a threat to them. Their perception is that when we break up, then we’re a threat. When we end it they think we just might tell everyone how horrible they are.
“Normal” takes responsibility, and many times even when there is no responsibility to be taken. This is the true place for boundaries. We are not responsible for their inhumanity.
Users don’t want us to tell others how horrible they are. Not wanting us to blow up their house of cards existence… They know their life is glued together with our “normal”; with our great goodness and true-blue realness. They do get it that they and their life is BS. – This is exactly what they ensnared us for: To hold their life together.
If we go around talkin’ – this would keep them possibly from grabbing onto other souls to make use of. And they really think that all the things they’ve done – even all that stuff we don’t know about – is going to come tumbling out of the closet. This fear of what we’ll do and say is part of why they hang on. And this fear is what the hoovering and all the smearing is all about.
We’re letting them think they’re amazing. This is deliberate. – this makes us a non-threat and leaves it easier for us to walk away without them hanging on or hoovering.
We know in our gut that we did nothing to make this person do the things they’re doing. We just didn’t. If sometimes you wonder if it was your fault. That simply proves that you’re normal and that you’re doing what “normal” does. We give second chances, and third chances.
“Normal” takes responsibility, and many times even when there is no responsibility to be taken. This is the true place for boundaries. We are not responsible for their inhumanity.
Break Up Bravery Takes Us Through It
Now that you’ve mustered up the courage to leave or tell them to hit the road dig deep to understand the truth of their intense reaction.
Hopefully, we truly discover what this all was so that our cognitive dissonance and confusion can resolve. We all want to resolve each loss and heal the very specific trauma from this relationship that isn’t. ‘Cause you are real. You are normal, and you get to be exactly what you are, which is beautiful inside and out.
Add these to your contacts so you don’t miss a newsletter! jennifer@truelovescam.com info@truelovescam.com
As a certified coach, upholding industry standards I strive to inform, educate, invite thought and dialogue, to co-plan, co-strategize, advise, consult, refer, recommend, train, teach, guide and coach people in guided recovery and discovery specific to these crimes, and from hell and broken in the aftermath to whole again, and more. You decide what winning is.
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Binding prey is a 24-hour a day job for predators. Pathological predators and parasites are the slimy creatures we call narcs and narcissists and indeed, they are sociopaths.
We think we’ve found a perfect match. A relationship made in heaven. This fades as we discover something else is happening here.
This time – don’t believe their ridiculous words. Go with your gut. Grab that uneasy feeling and hold onto it. That off the ground feeling is in fact where the truth lives.
Binding prey is paramount to a predator’s survival. Sex, for a sociopath, is a tool, a very important tool. Because binding prey is reliant on sex. And though the word on the street is that sociopaths are great at sex, this – like everything else about them, is a buncha hooey.
Most sociopaths are quite bad at sex. (“Narcissists” if that’s your terminology of choice for the pathological user who hijacked your life.)
The real thing is: using sex as a tool to bind other humans so that you can make use of them for your own purposes is not allowed to be called: being great at sex. – No, it’s a crime. It’s called misrepresentation, fraud, and coercion; it’s rape.
Binding and Winding is The Sociopaths Way of Life
Sociopaths – you might call them a narc, a narcopath, or a narcissist – all spend the hours of all their days binding prey. And they all have lots of people they’re ensnaring at one time.
It’s necessary that they keep a flock of prey; real people who think they are this person’s girlfriend, boyfriend, fiancé, or spouse, or partner.
None of us are any of this. We are not girlfriends, boyfriends, partners, or spouses. We aren’t finances. No matter how much we felt it, no matter how much lived as if we were that from our side of things… We are each and only prey. Not one of us deserved this. We didn’t make this happen. – It’s them and what they are.
Pathological Predators: People Who Make Use of Others
The predator keeps a grip on what we could call, birds-of-every-feather. There’s the party person, the public-respectability-facade-spouse person. And the side-dish house-mouse who cooks, cleans, does laundry, and waits at home.
There are so many people in the lives of the user; the causal friends they date, the finances. And then there are the people who open a business with them or work for them or give them a job. And those who unwittingly provide the cash-ola they go on benders with.
They’ve always got the down-low raunchy person who they let it all out with. Usually – okay – let’s be real: always, there is more than one person who fills each of these roles for the pathological user, all at one time.
Binding Prey: Withholding Sex and Intimacy
Any of us relegated as live-in prey within the sociopath’s realm, we know the real deal. We know that behind the pretty face of it, that inside the house: We sleep in separate rooms.
The thing is: There is no sex. And this in itself makes sex a tool that binds prey. Most of us are left sad and hurting wondering wtf! when a sociopath withholds sexual intimacy. There’s a reason they stop the sex. There’s a reason it makes us sad.
Again, in our way of normal thinking, we first look to ourselves. We reflect on ourselves as the reason they turn away and sleep down the hall.
Or on the couch. Or in the kids’ room. We feel deeply wounded that it’s something about us that has them not wanting us. And our natural feeling and thinking and our natural trusting conclusions are encouraged by them.
Normal Looks For Solutions and Takes Responsibility
As normal people, we look for a magnanimous, generous reason that takes any fault away from the person we don’t yet know is a sociopath. Being refused and rejected in sexual intimacy causes harm. It leads us to think we’re the problem and this becomes a double helix of trauma.
Stand tall. You’re a part of this revolutionary discovery. We’re the grass roots leaders of changing the face and story of sexual abuse.
This is normal. And rubbish. We are not at fault… They’re the cause of every drop of everything that’s wrong. Their reason for being with us is not for the reason we’d imagine in a normal relationship.
They know this isn’t a relationship in the way we naturally assume it to be one. We assume responsibility for being rejected as if all the things that are tilted, off, weird, strange, odd, full of holes, make us feel like we’re not on solid ground, and the constant confusion is our own fault.
They’re all for this because this buys a pathological user lots more time to make more use of us.
We Look for Explanations for Their Abnormal Sexual Rejection
As normal people, we take responsibility for all the parts of our relationship. – This is normal. We know in our heart of hearts it can’t just be us. It’s reasonable to look for answers. Considering that there may be something going on with them is what comes next for us.
For me, in my search to explain, find answers, bridge the chasm between his bed and mine and relationship build, Googling along I found something called: sexual anorexia. It’s also called intimacy anorexia. Sociopaths do not have sexual anorexia, which includes sexual addiction and refusal to have sex with primary partners, they’re simply sociopaths.
Breaking Up With Evil
Breaking Up with Evil: Escaping Coercive Control on Amazon
Five women’s true stories of being ensnared hauled through the confusion, lies, fear, and pain, and breaking away.
Told in their own words, they leave nothing unsaid. Find validation and see new glimpses of the truth as they share their stories… Stories that could be any of ours.
In my story with this predator that I married, thinking that sexual anorexia or intimacy anorexia was the reason he slept in another room brought a shift. I vaulted into another kind of pain and deep, deep sadness.
Though I thought I’d found an answer, geez Louise… What an answer!! My mind raced: Wow. Is this my life? I’d look at him while he jabbered at me, and think: Does my husband have sexual anorexia..? And wonder: How can I bring it up? How can we work through it…?
Questioning and Seeking Takes Us Further
And thankfully I had another thought – a question. This was a saving grace. It left space open to observing rather than diving into working on things. The question was: Do I want to do this…? As I asked myself this question and watched him, he did what every con-artist-user does: He revealed himself to be something beyond even sexual anorexia.
Sex is used to bind prey in the dark and winding, unending vicissitudes of isolated, lonely pain.
He showed instead something unanswered and so strange. At that time as I watched him, it was still indefinable for me… I didn’t know about the reality of psychopaths. I did know the answer to his coming home later and later and then snoring in another room had not been found. So, I kept watching and looking for other answers.
The sadness in this discovery – a discovery I believed to be real for him, was incalculable. The span of time that I did believe this and the destruction he brought in that time was unbelievable. – Don’t worry, my writing about this won’t give sociopaths any new tricks. I’m writing about it for us: They already know about it.
Our Nature and The Sociopaths’ Nature: A Lethal Mix For Us is Survival For Them
These nut jobs have no sexual anorexia or intimacy issues in the scope of something normal. They withhold because they’re not interested in sex in any normal way. Period. Nor are they interested in us in any normal way. Period. Sex for a sociopath, a.k.a. an antisocial psychopath is not at all what it is for normal people.
Sex to the pathological users – and all things and all people – are for their own entertainment or to serve the purpose of bringing them the things they want… Everything they get is taken through deception. Additionally, sex for the sociopath is a psychological release; a high… You know the happy ending.
In heterosexual predatory situations, in which a female sociopath is preying on a normal human male, they are aware that normal human men are easily bound in and mesmerized when they exude sexuality and an interest in sex; by making sexual innuendos, by dressing in sexy clothes, by pretending that they are lusting after the man, and can’t get enough of the man and etc…and by having sex with them. Sorry – but it’s fake. Let’s face it, regular normla men can be pretty delighted to realize this woman will go for anal sex, for porn, for three-somes…for anything and everything. Sure they do, just as male sociopaths do. If a female sociopath thought a man they were preying upon was pious and expected a virgin, they’d play that role. – You may have been treated as as sex doll, just as male sociopaths use some prey as sex dolls: they also both withhold sex from other prey if they want to as a way not to get rid of prey, but to bind them. I’ve had male clinets who were sex dolls, those who were framed for rape, and those who were totally rejected sexually with the same kinds of excuses male sociopaths give to female prey to get out of sex. – Both male and female sociopaths don’t use condoms. Females do this frequently in order to gain a baby… Babies equal money and property to them. (They also don’t mind having abortions if that’s the direction they go; there’s also the morning after pill.) Indeed all sociopaths have no limits. Many use lots of drugs, some don’t. All sociopaths have sex with any gender and will do anything. Literally: sociopaths will be or can be sexual with any gender, any age, any species with equal ease. – In actual fact: male and female sociopaths are mentally identical. They are identical because they have the same abnormal brain that is the root of this pathology. – Sociopathy is not “about power”: it’s about taking and using and doing whatever they please. Sociopaths believe everything belongs to them. Their goal is to get your stuff. To use you. And don’t forget: they can’t NOT behave this way. They do not love, like, or care or have any actual emotional attraction to anyone. – Sociopaths despise us. They use sex for their own entertainment, and to bind prey. – Check my other articles about female sociopaths here on my website.
Binding Prey and Rejection Leads Us To Try Harder
For us normal humans, being rejected by them once we’re in this “relationship” dynamic leads us to try harder, to yearn to please them in the weirdest, strangest feeling.
The rejection ignites a desire within us to please them more in every way, in general. We embark on a natural and driven attempt to make things better. There is a feeling of being pulled to please them.
It feels like crap. And we do it. This is normal. You recall that constant duality of “doing” and feeling unhinged at the same time. And so, the pathological lying-user gets a cleaner house, fresher laundry, a better dinner… And most of all: we keep quiet…
Treading more softly, we expect less and don’t bug them as much… And this – this – our shut-mouth – this is what they’re really after. They want us to not bug them so they can do and be what they are: Despicable predatory, parasitic deceivers from hell.
Sociopaths put up a front. They say they can’t be intimate because they have trust issues. Some attempt to explain it away by telling stories of an inability to trust because of past betrayal, or being abused.
This is also often their explanation when we discover that they’re “cheating” and realize their sloppily hidden rampant porn use. They hide this all so pathetically poorly.
Our natural and inherently normal trust lets the sociopath off the hook for months or even years. They have no idea what trust is. This time – don’t believe their ridiculous words. Go with your gut. Grab that uneasy feeling and hold onto it. That off-the-ground feeling is in fact where the truth lives.
Stop the room from spinning. There’s more to know.
We Search For Answers: They Know They’ve Bound Us
We try to find a reason behind the abnormal sexual rejection. They come up with more flimsy and ever-changing reasons for their physical withdrawal from us: Religious beliefs, or health problems, they say it’s us, or they say nothing at all.
The thing is, binding prey was the goal. The sociopath doesn’t need to be binding us with sex. We’re already hooked… They’re very busy binding new prey sexually. The creature is busy having sex with many other women and men. As many as possible. They keep this hidden as much as they can.
Binding Prey: Forced Sex, Bartering, and Threats
The second way that these rotten beings spin their madness binding prey using sex as a tool is horrific and cruel beyond any words. This almost became my story, twice.
My guess is that two of the people I dated in my life, way previous to the sociopath I married, would surely have gone down this road. I didn’t know the word sociopath or psychopath, but I knew danger was buzzing and extricated myself before they got their hooks in.
A psychopath is a sociopath and vice versa. They are both antisocial psychopaths medically. This means they have abnormal brains in their heads. Every thought, word, and deed comes from their abnormal brain. And our not knowing this buys them more time while we suffer in rejection, sadness, pain, and trauma.
They’re Different Than Us Biologically: Yep for Reals
These abnormal brains have them living a life of zero limits as far as what they’ll say or do to get what they want. They have zero genuine regard for anyone outside of themselves. The delineation between psychopaths and sociopaths is found in the depths to which they enjoy others’ pain.
The more they enjoy others’ pain, the more likely they are to use brutal sex to bind prey. Sex is used in bartering for money, allowance, food, permission to go somewhere or see someone, or whatever the psychopath is focused on.
Sexual acts become a bargaining chip, blackmailing leverage, and pure punishment for non-existent crimes. Sex is used to bind prey in the dark and winding, unending vicissitudes of isolated, lonely pain.
This reality of a sociopath can seem incredible to think of as real. But lthink of this… Mental health professionals are not allowed to give the official diagnosis of “antisocial psychopath” to anyone under legal age. Because that’s how serious it is. That’s how permanent it is. And how real it is.
Nothing About This is a Relationship: These are Crimes
The real reason is: they don’t have any emotional connection to us. They do not care for us or about us. There is no love from a sociopath or that person you might be calling a narc or a narcissist but is really a sociopath.
There is no love for anyone. Not a soul. Sex for a sociopath is an unlimited carnal impulse and has the effect of being a tool in order to make use of others as they please – nothing more.
And in real life, this heinous crime can bring on cancer, autoimmune diseases, and of course, STDs are visited upon prey. For anyone who finds themselves pregnant, this is a harrowing dilemma of its own.
It’s normal to try and to stay. Narcissistic abuse recovery.
Real Humans Stay and Try
As regular normal humans, when there’s a break-down in the connection between ourselves and our partner, we crave and need an explanation that offers hope for change. Maybe while searching, like me you’ll come across the condition of sexual anorexia. If you do, as I did you’d naturally think: we’ll get through it together.
We believe that then, working together on the issues or problems, things will be amazing. Connection will be restored and deepened. This is how normal humans do it.
Narcissistic Abuse Unwound Podcast
No One Thinks to Leave Before Trying
There’s not a single one of us who has ever been told When you’re in a relationship at the first sign of something you don’t like, end it. Not a single one of us has heard the advice: if things are not perfect, walk out. – So please, stop telling people who find themselves in these hijackings, You should have left.
Be 100% sure this is not what you say to yourself. This is not your fault, you are not to blame… They are monsters and nothing about us makes them one. It takes as long as it takes to break the sociopath-spell.
Normal is Far From This Narcissistic Pathology
There couldn’t be more of a clash between any two things on earth like there is between a sociopath and a normal human. The existence of this kind of human and our differences are only just beginning to come to light.
Stand tall. You’re a part of this revolutionary discovery. We’re the grassroots leaders of changing the face and story of sexual abuse. As we break up with evil, one by one by one of us, we’re changing the world to a place of true humanity and peace.
Add these to your contacts so you don’t miss a newsletter! jennifer@truelovescam.com info@truelovescam.com
As a certified coach, upholding industry standards I strive to inform, educate, invite thought and dialogue, to co-plan, co-strategize, advise, consult, refer, recommend, train, teach, guide and coach people in guided recovery and discovery specific to these crimes, and from hell and broken in the aftermath to whole again, and more. You decide what winning is.
Words we hear are absorbed by our neurological system. In this way emotions, thoughts and beliefs are formed based on what we hear, even if it’s a lie.
Mean words are common when we’re involved with or entangled by people who use them. If we’ve been in the presence of a narcissist and also if we’ve been ensnared by a sociopath we’ve experienced a lurch in the pit of our stomachs.
We’ve experienced sadness, and drooping self esteem in their presence and still long after they’ve left the room because of their words hurtled at us us like darts. We feel feelings from what they’ve said. This is normal. – This is how normal healthy humans work.
Where Do Our feelings About Mean Words Come From…?
We can learn skills and perspectives to manage or fundamentally transform how we respond to what’s around us.
We, humans, are astonishingly amazing beings. As we’re swept through the riptide of narcissistic abuse and the machinations of a pathological predator we’re influenced by them. This is only natural. This is because whole-humans are influenced by each and everything within our awareness or within our environment.
This means that all things around us have an impact and an effect on us. – This is based on science. It’s how humans are designed, or built or created… It’s what we are. This is normal; it’s how our system – our biology, our neurological system works. There’s no getting around this.
Emotions Feed into Our Feelings, Which Then Make Our World
Okay, here’s how it goes… Our body takes in our surroundings, including the words we hear, and has an emotional response. In this way without us doing a thing, our body – our neurological system – recognizes an emotion which translates to a feeling. Our feelings are individual and nuanced. This feeling becomes a conscious thought based on these feelings that have been generated by our emotional response.
And then finally our body creates a conclusion or a belief about this whole experience. This can happen in a flash, mere milliseconds. It can be that the emotion and the feeling are fairly instantaneous and then the thought and that belief come days later. – And not at all consciously identifiable as being the product of the emotional response and then the feelings we form after receiving those mean words.
So… Humans experience a raw, or root emotion which morphs into a feeling. We might notice this emotion – we might not. We might not be particularly aware of the feeling it inspires.
The feeling though works on it’s own to turn itself into a thought inspired by that original root emotion mingled with our subconscious and things we already “know”.
That thought or those ideas born of the emotions and feelings become a belief. One day they become a proclamation, an announcement we form into words in our minds about ourselves or the world we live in.
Raw Emotions to Feelings to Thoughts to Beliefs
This emotional construct from raw emotions to feelings – to thoughts and ideas – then takes the shape of a belief or conclusion. As it becomes a conscious thought, possibly quite charged with emotion, it may no longer be attached with any awareness in our minds to the original emotional and then feelings experience we had. We also then make a belief that is unattached from the original emotional experience, our feelings or possibly from even those thoughts and ideas that are stirring this all. Make sense?
So where exactly does the belief we arrive at come from? The belief or conclusion does from our beautiful and automatic-mind. It shapes for us the ideas and then this newer belief — based on what we already believe.
The mind does the work without us, incorporating what we already think we know and what we’ve felt and what those feelings mean to us. The mean words then have been the cause-point of our concluding belief. A belief we then live our life from.
Ultimately, the things we believe play into how well we heal – or not. What we believe creates our experience of life. Our beliefs in every way, are the foundation for the limits we place on ourselves, or the dreams we decide we can achieve.
Narcissistic Abuse Unwound Podcast
Mean Words or Kind Words
The same works with words of care, praise or kindness; these in turn inspire positive thoughts and strength or courage. All things filter through our emotional self. Knowing and understanding this is so, so, so, so important in recovering from a trauma.
When highly praised by others, there is no hardship one cannot bear… such is the courage that springs from words of praise. …When criticized one can recklessly cause one’s own ruin.
So, feeling bad and sad after an encounter with a non-pathologically narcissistic person or with a sociopath is normal. However, we can change this and learn how to manage a narcissistic person – and how to exit the scope of the sociopath, aka a “narcissist”, the pathological user and fully restore our lives.
We can learn skills and perspectives to manage or fundamentally transform how we respond to what’s around us, particularly to narcissistic people and even to sociopaths.
Words are all we have and there’s nothing more powerful wherever they’re spoken, from a classroom, to the work place, at a family dinner or in silent prayer.
This comes in part by understanding the things and the people and the words we hear them speak all around us. In addition, this comes within deeper knowledge about our bodies and mind and emotions, our thoughts and beliefs.
Comprehending that they’re all one and the same aspect of ourselves and interconnected. – And that we’re in charge of it all. Including this mysterious neurological system.
Break Down Our Neurological Function: How Words We Hear Create Our Beliefs
Let’s keep this science simple. We can feel this response to words happening in a few small examples. From there, we can carry this concept through to realize how it is that the smear campaign hurts like a nest of hornets attacking.
Example One: Imagine This:
You’re standing in your kitchen. A lemon on your kitchen counter catches your eye. The rounded curves, tapering at the ends to a green and brownish bit where the lemon grew from the lemon tree.
Is your mouth watering…? This is the neurological effect of words, mere words on our entire body system. Imagining this scenario with no lemon in view nevertheless has our body believing there is a lemon.
We experience this as if there were a lemon in our hand, and lemon aroma surrounding us. Our body believes. – We believe we’re experiencing a lemon.
We Believe On So Many Levels
What else happened in your body as you imagined this lemon…? Has your body relaxed…? Did you sigh…? Is your mouth puckering…?
Your body reacted and responded as if a real lemon were really there. From reading words about lemon… And you might have noticed though that whispered in your mind.
The thoughts were words that came to mind depending on how you’ve previously experienced lemons and the emotions they evoke.
How We feel Deeds Into Our Beliefs
All that from words you’re reading off a backlight screen about a lemon that isn’t anywhere in sight! The power of words as they resonate into our ear, sink in, filter through our nervous system is amazing…
And it is everything. All things around us, all we experience transmutes into an emotion, a thought, and then a belief. What are we feeling, thinking and believing…? Who decides what we feel and think and believe…?
Mean words hit us hard and ripple through us from head to toe. Hitting our neurological system, adrenaline flows, cortisol spikes, a biological shock wave happens.
Our emotions pitch in with a search for meaning in what was said. We come up with a meaning based on our emotions and our body and our previous life experiences.
Example Two: Imagine This:
You’ve been waiting to hear from your partner, boyfriend, spouse… You’re waiting to hear about what you’re doing Friday night.
There’s a birthday party you want to go to; it’s for your best friend and you want your partner to come with you. You’ve let them know about it and asked them to come with you.
There’s been no reply from them about the party and it’s been two days already. You send a follow-up text asking: You got my text? About Sandy’s birthday…? You’re coming with right..?! I’m super excited about it!!
Instantly after two days of no response, they zing a text back: Get off my back!! Stop asking for things!!! You’re ruining everything.
Mean Words Send Our Hearts Pounding
Did your stomach lurch? Is your heart pounding…? Has your heart rate gone up thudding in your chest, your palms sweating…?
Are anxiety and confusion colliding inside your body? Did your brain kind of shut down..? That’s a normal neurological, physiological, bodily, and emotional response to violent language.
We can land in a place where their weird, tangled words become ridiculous, meaningless and stay always perverse but shift to a perversion we know is coming for them, and so holds no sway over us – not even their lies.
As normal able-bodied whole-humans, we each have the same neurological system. Words we hear are absorbed by our neurological system. In this way emotions, thoughts and beliefs are formed based on what we hear, even if it’s a lie. Even if it’s out of context, confusing, cruel and strange.
The words hit us and instantly emotions spring up and thoughts and beliefs nearly all in one millisecond. What we feel, what we think and what we believe is rooted in who we are and our previous life experiences combined with our understanding of the person hurling language at us.
Words Are All We Have
Words are all we have. They’re the most powerful tool we’ve got. We can use them well and deliberately, assertively.
Learning to understand the real meaning behind words based on who the speaker is and their intentions and motivations is one way to short circuit absorbing the poison and absorbing it as an emotional response that leads to a limiting belief.
Kind Words Effect Our Feelings and Beliefs
Example Three: Imagine This:
Waking slowly from a heavy sleep you know you’re late for work. Feeling weird, heavy and dizzy you try to get up but can barely manage to roll over on one side.
The realization that you’re sick lifts onto the horizon of your mind. The curtain of brain fog shifts and you remember there’s a project deadline, you’re meant to be at work, people depend on you. There’s a lot of pressure…
You think, maybe I can make it, and lift the covers off your bed one more time trying to sit up and get dressed to go… Maybe you can make it on time. As you sit up your stomach grips and vomit rises from your gut, you barely make it to the bathroom as your face turns pale.
There’s No Way Around It
You puke your guts out. A cold sweat breaks out along your hairline as you rest slumped at the toilet bowl, exhausted for turning your innards inside out. You’ve got to call in sick. You feel guilt creeping in.
You call up the work and ask for your boss’s extension, and say: I’m sick. I really tried but I just can’t make it in. I’m vomiting and feverish and I”m so sorry I just ca — Your boss interjects: That’s fine. No worries! Please take care of yourself. Are you alone or is there someone who can bring you juice or things you’ll need…? Please let me know if we can do something or have anything delivered to you. Please stay in bed. It’s okay. We’ll take care of things here, you get better. Please call for anything we can help with. It’s okay.
Are your eyes tearing up in relief..? Did you feel disbelief…? Have your shoulders dropped in letting go of the guilt…? Does this sound impossible as a response and yet you felt the effect of it anyway?
Normal Humans Are Astonishingly Amazing
This is how amazing we are as fully limbic brained, whole, able-bodied humans. Words are all we have and there’s nothing more powerful wherever they’re spoken, from a classroom to the workplace, at a family dinner or in silent prayer.
Take in the knowledge of how our bodies work and what all those feelings, thoughts and beliefs come from, and how they get there.
Our Emotional Intelligence and Whole-Humanity Wins Out
Know who’s talking to us. Understand their position, and meaning; their motivation in speaking to us. And as far as the predator goes, truly understand their simplistic motivation so that we can decode their meaning.
This frees us to have an emotional reaction, a thought process and a belief about our experience that match what’s actually happened. This is key. This is true resolution and healing.
We can land in a place where their weird, tangled words become ridiculous, meaningless and stay always perverse but shift to a perversion we know is coming for them, and so holds no sway over us – not even their lies.
We’re fortunate to have the ability and are free to define our experiences; to create our life and find freedom, joy and real true love and happiness. We are awesome.
Add these to your contacts so you don’t miss a newsletter! jennifer@truelovescam.com info@truelovescam.com
As a certified coach, upholding industry standards I strive to inform, educate, invite thought and dialogue, to co-plan, co-strategize, advise, consult, refer, recommend, train, teach, guide and coach people in guided recovery and discovery specific to these crimes, and from hell and broken in the aftermath to whole again, and more. You decide what winning is.
Affiliate links are in every True Love Scam Recovery article. Clicks on these links provide minor compensation to keep the site running. www.truelovescam.com and its agents are not licensed as attorneys, medical doctors, psychiatrists, psychologists, or therapists. See the entire and full True Love Scam Recovery Privacy Policy and Legal Agreement and Disclaimer here. Thank you.
Doctor, lawyer, conman, thief. They’re an accountant, a chef, or an executive. Nah. Maybe they know how to use a copier, file a grant or sell a car, but they’re a person pretending to be a person pretending to do a job. Look again…See through the facade.
We meet this new gorgeous woman, or cool kind of bloke, and think, this guy is amazing! and she’s incredible! And it really seems they are. The most frequent thing people think when confronted and sucked in by a con artist is: this guy (gal) has done more in one lifetime than most people could do in twenty lifetimes!!
He’s a doctor or a lawyer. She’s a baker, in real estate, or teaches math… Well kind of. Here’s the thing, if they’re a pathological user or a person of pathological sociopathy their real full-time job is something else.
Then, they’re a person pretending to be a person pretending to do that job they get a paycheck from.
But – since you didn’t know about sociopathic liars, you believe them. And paint a very rosy story to go with their words that fill in the details of how amazing they are.
Toxic language comes from toxic people. We’re pretty all sure about that. But, how many of us realize that using those same limiting words has a good chance of becoming a habit for healthy people?
Let’s talk about the effect words we oursleves use have within our own lives. We can influence our own outcome and feelings, thoughts and actions with our words. This is so beneficial as we fend our way through discovery-recovery from hell and broken to whole and back to ourselves plus extra.
We are amazing, awesome and courageous. We are in control of our destiny and can change, chose and be free.
The power of words is astonishing! Poison words, toxic words, stop words, dysfunctional words: limiting language makes anyone including ourselves less fun to be around. Language is connected to our thoughts, beliefs, emotions, and actions.
The words we choose affect our feelings, thoughts, emotions and what we do. And all of this package of selfaffects our life and circumstances. This is an amazing tool for recovery and healing. Our language is tied to living our lives positively, energetically, with hope and reaching our goals.
Toxic Language and Neuro-Linguistic Programing
One thing I’ve realized is a deeper awareness of words; others words but more importantly my own words including those whispsered inside my head that no one else hears.
We can change our thinking, our emotions, and our actions by changing our words. This is a simple place to start when we want to eliminate limits and fill our life with positivity.
Neuro-linguistic programming is the science behind it; common sense when you think about it is how we can think of it, and changing those poison words to phenomenal words is how we experience it.
The Podcast: Narcissistic Abuse Unwound
Examples of Limiting Language
Let’s try an experiment; read these words and see how you feel; say them out loud. Here’s the words that stop, limit or end possibility. Words and toxic language that make hope go down, ideas fizzle, positivity wane:
Don’t, Doesn’t
Can’t, Won’t
Always, Never
Should, Could
Would, Might
Try, Need to
But, However
What’s Behind Our Thoughts and Actions is Found in Our Language
If this idea of neuro-linguistic programming and how our language both reflects and influences our thoughts, emotions, and actions you might like to know more from the leading theorist in the field of neuro-linguistic programming, Noam Chomsky. Mr. Chomsky does use his theories within political ideas, you may or may not agree with his politics, fair warning.
Let’s agree that we’re concerned with neuro-linguistic programming, and applying it to our benefit in our own lives rather than politics. Plus there are some good books out there about neuro-linguistic programming… even the for Dummies! series has an excellent book on NLP. – It’s on my bookshelf ; )
Language That Moves Us In the Direction of Our Dreams and Goals
Toxic words and poison, limiting language aren’t something I made up! Though I did instinctively use an aspect of NLP in my own recovery and now call Self-Talk and offer as a method in discovery-recovery sessions to support our way out of PTSD.
These toxic words are real and really limit, stop, and leave people flat and without a solution. They stop forward movement. Toxic language limits progress, creativity, going forward, and going for goals.
Words build us up or bring us down. Language, the finest snip of a collection of words, or one word all on its own inspire or deflate us.
Here’s an example: Let’s say you’re talking with a friend:
You: I might try to lose some weight; I need to lose 25 pounds.
Friend: You always say that. You’re never going to do it whether you might try or not.
Okay, so not the best friend in the world, that’s a possible conclusion after this brief exchange. But, did that friend repeat and reflect our own sentiment, and thinking or did they make it up…?
How many of us could have had this conversation alone, both sides of it in our own head in two seconds flat? How many of us do this … maybe daily, weekly, often about some desire, goal, dream or wish we have? Let’s take this example part word by word.
Toxic Language Limits Us: Even When it Comes From Us
I might = There is a lack of determination in this word: Substitute: I will
try = Hesitancy and uncertainty: Substitute: Leave this word out altogether.
to lose = Humans can’t act on a “negative”: Substitute: What we want to achieve.
I need = What’s the motivation “to lose”? (Or think, “to be” size 10, or be 130)
to lose = The goal is framed in “the negative”: Think of goals in terms of what you desire to achieve, be, or do rather than what you’ll get rid of, undo, or lose.
As an example, we can rephrase things such as, “Don’t wait for them to go no contact”, can be turned into a more open and easier to hear idea such as, “Rather than waiting for them to go no contact, we can block them.” – or – “You shouldn’t do that!”, we can transform into more uplifting concern that also conveys compassion, “Please consider doing what feels right for your well being.”
Toxic Language Replaced By Words That Enrich Our Lives
Let’s take a look at this list of toxic language and come up with an alternate for each.
Don’t – Substitute a “do” concept: don’t run, becomes: walk
Doesn’t – Substitute what does
Can’t – I can’t make Friday, becomes, can: I can make Wednesday at Noon or Tuesday.
Won’t – Shift what won’t to will. I won’t talk to you anymore: I will keep it to myself
Always – Always is a huge concept. Use it sparingly
Never – You never, they never, it will never…? See always above
Oddly, never and always do fit all things related to a sociopath/narcissists ways of behaving. Due to their mental limitations their behavior is fixed.
Should – You should, he should, I should have. Should expresses an order or regret
Could – Could can be a great substitute for should. Other times it’s doubt-filled
Would – Usually followed by “if”. I would do it if… bargaining, blackmail, expecting someone else to do it. And “it” is often something we’re trying to get out of.
Might – I might if… dependent upon someone or something else
Try – As NIKE says… (Just) do it (More on the word “just” in another article.)
Need to – Use need to sparingly
But – But negates or disregards what came before the word but
However – Same effect as but
Freedom From Limitations Begins in our Language
Coming out of a nightmare after a predator is unbelievable. There’s no one who understands it unless they’ve been in it. There’s a bizarre exception to the above toxic language examples. You can guess when that is.
It’s when it comes to the behavior and thinking and actions of people who are without our limbic brain which connects and feels love.
We can learn to use their limitations to maneuver them out of our lives and gain our safety, and absolute freedom from pathological predators. We are amazing, awesome, and courageous. We are in control of our destiny and can change, chose, and be free.
Add these to your contacts so you don’t miss a newsletter! jennifer@truelovescam.com info@truelovescam.com
As a certified coach, upholding industry standards I strive to inform, educate, invite thought and dialogue, to co-plan, co-strategize, advise, consult, refer, recommend, train, teach, guide and coach people in guided recovery and discovery specific to these crimes, and from hell and broken in the aftermath to whole again, and more. You decide what winning is.
Affiliate links are in every True Love Scam Recovery article. Clicks on these links provide minor compensation to keep the site running. www.truelovescam.com and its agents are not licensed as attorneys, medical doctors, psychiatrists, psychologists, or therapists. See the entire and full True Love Scam Recovery Privacy Policy and Legal Agreement and Disclaimer here. Thank you.
Are we magnets for them? Do we attract them? The answer is that they’re predators. They have to find dinner or die.
The question, what do con men look for? is one I’m asked a lot and often, especially at speaking engagements.
Frequently this question comes from young women in their college years or early career days, wanting to avoid dating a monster.
These beautiful young women want a future with a great career, a family and a great man and they have every right to it. It is possible. And In truth, so many of us need the answer to this zillion dollar question.
You can learn to sort the nuts from the normal before their venomous coercive control takes us over. And rest assured, there are many, many amazing young men and women, heterosexual, gay, nonbinary, trans and all combinations of people on the planet to meet, love and marry.
Knowing what con men look for is critical nowadays. You can consider this burgeoning cultural either a sad thing or a fantastic opportuntiy. This depends on how you look at it gaining a deeper understanding of life on this earth and the human beings who live here.
Our protection is found in our accepting that they exist, and in a deliberately gained ability to recognize them by how we feel around them or because of them and by what they do and say.
Realizing that people of coercive control, predators, pathological liars, and users exist is a good thing sincae, afterall, these cone men do exist.
They’ve been here since the beginning of time, and only those who know how to recognize them are immune or safe from being entrapped. Why they’re here is another question. But, they are.
Con Men Look For Amazing: Amazing and Normal
What do con men look for? It’s important to know what con men look for and how to recognize them. First and foremost they look at anyone and everyone as prey. Secondly, the person they ensnare is the one who “clicks”.
The first one locked-in on any given day is their ideal prey. They need new people constantly and love to hang on to the old ones they’ve got in their harem. I realize this is very general and at the same time, it’s a lot. Let me explain this bit here and then get on to specifics. Let me define some of the words I’m using.
Definitions in the World Of the Con
Prey: Prey can be any person. Anyone who meets the predator and feels an attraction to them is sucked in. Prey embark on what we believe is a relationship with the predator and naturally assume a predator is a normal person too.
Predator: Often thought of solely in terms of preying upon someone sexually, let’s expand our understanding to include more reality. A predator is that pathological person who lives their life living off of others in every way imaginable and mostly in ways we could never imagine.
They use others for sex, money, food, clothing, shelter, to appear like a good or popular or trustworthy person by association, for an address to use, to hide behind, for drugs, as someone to be left holding the bag on rent, car payments, credit card bills and more. They know that they do this and like doing this while trying to hide that they are doing this – because they know normal people don’t agree with it.
Narcissistic Abuse Unwound
Two Elements of the Con
Coercive Control: This is a term, coercive control used to describe the kind of insidious take-over of the prey by the predator. From a legal standpoint, it’s forcing, coercing someone to do things against their will with threats, insults… Emotional and physical abuse.
From our experimental standpoint, how and when does coercive control set in? How does it come to the point that we do what they say? We’re not dumb, or sheep… So what is it?!
The person who is preyed upon (us) is under a spell. This point is missed within the legal definition. You could say we’re hypnotized, or injected with some kind of mind-numbing venom that overtakes their normal self and common sense.
If this hasn’t happened to you, this sounds impossible and like a weak excuse for bad choices and just ridiculous. It isn’t. – If this has happened to you, you know this as the sickening, surreal truth.
Lying Due to the Wiring in Their Brain: When Real is Made Up
Pathological Liar: This is a person who due lies due to the way their mind works, literally due to their brain biology. They can’t not li. Sociopaths lie about all things. Lying is a reality to them. Real is made up. They believe their lies and know they’re lying at the same time. Therefore, they believe anyone’s lies. Including ours.
This is key in getting away from them. You can lie to them. They’ll look at you with a weird look, questioning what you’ve said. They do know it’s a lie.
But hold your ground, the next millisecond they shift straight into action based on the lie you told as if the lie is the truth. They can’t help it. Lies are real to them and reality is made up. In other words, everything is lies, and lies are real… This is how every sociopath thinks.
Con Men Look For the Same Thing Con Women Look For
Now for some details… Any pathological predator is looking for someone who is kind, friendly, outgoing, or shy and reserved. A con man looks for people who believe in love, or are skeptical and wary of people.
A con artist (using the term artist very loosely here) wants someone who is resilient, giving, loyal, adventurous, trustworthy and means what they say.
If we’re hooked, within moments and hours of meeting them we begin to change our thinking, and to do things we’d never otherwise do.
Con men look for someone who is true to their word. They like people who have goals and a life going on. They target people who’ve had loss or failure. People who have not met their dreams or just as often, people who have fulfilled many dreams. They like very happy confident people. They just need people. Any and every person will do.
This is just a beginning and I realize this isn’t much in the way of specific detail. And that’s the point. Con men look for normal people with normal dreams, desires, loss, gain, successes, hope, longing and everything else that is normal. And yes, this is pretty much all of us.
Knowing Sets Us Free
I know most people don’t realize this or believe this, but: there’s nothing specific or particular about any one of us that makes us more or less vulnerable to being sucked in by a pathological predator or someone who’s survival is found in their coercive control of others.
Our protection is found in our accepting that they exist and in a deliberately gained ability to recognize them by how we feel around them or because of them and by what they do and say.
How to Avoid a Con Man
The way to avoid a con man monster before any entanglement can begin is first by engaging the willingness to accept that they exist. The next thing to put into action is your gut instincts. Following your true gut instincts is key in spotting and avoiding one of these beasts. The nuances of how we feel when we meet a con man are the most use of all.
If you feel the following things, stop contact with this new person immediately for your safety.
Feeling like you absolutely cannot believe you met someone so amazing.
This person is more amazing than you ever imagined someone could be.
Or, not being especially into them, but over a few weeks, you decide they’re great.
Or, you can’t understand why other people don’t like them, they seem okay.
Wanting to make this work really, really badly and right away.
Putting aside your life to make sure you’re a couple like now.
Letting go of things for yourself to do things for them or for you as a couple.
Overriding your beliefs, limits, or expectations to accommodate or to be with them.
You’ll Be So Excited and Putting Yourself Aside
This might sound ridiculous if you haven’t had one of these encounters with a coercive controlling predator. Especially this last point. We all feel we know what we expect in relationship dynamics. And we’re secure in knowing “who we are”, in our values, and our morals.
Something indefinable has us shift our thinking to accommodate them. It’s something that emanates for them like invisible penetrating smoke. This elicits emotions by their very presence. It’s the hook. It happens in seconds. Within moments and hours of meeting them we begin to change…to do things we’d never otherwise do.
What Con Men Look For is Anyone: We Can Spot Them
We can see them for what they are. This is found in our response to them that is over the top and not what a normal attraction feels like.
Even if this is your first relationship, if you feel anxiety underneath the excitement, back off. Let it go. Step away. Either you aren’t ready or this is very much the wrong person.
So, please, if you repeatedly hear bad things about this person from other people you know and trust and who care about you, trust what the other people are saying. Always leave lots of space between when you first meet someone, and when and how often you see them.
Keep up with your own goals, studies, social things with your friends. Hold onto your own self and things you love to do. Please, don’t compromise what you believe, such as when to have sex or what kind of sex to have for anyone. Ever.
Signs of a Predator: Identical Every Time
We can learn the signs to recognize them on the spot or within a few hours’ time. Yes! We can. And then: they got nothin’ because their “success” is solely dependent on our lack of awareness. Contrary to popular belief, that’s as smart as they get.
Add these to your contacts so you don’t miss a newsletter! jennifer@truelovescam.com info@truelovescam.com
As a certified coach, upholding industry standards I strive to inform, educate, invite thought and dialogue, to co-plan, co-strategize, advise, consult, refer, recommend, train, teach, guide and coach people in guided recovery and discovery specific to these crimes, and from hell and broken in the aftermath to whole again, and more. You decide what winning is.
Affiliate links are in every True Love Scam Recovery article. Clicks on these links provide minor compensation to keep the site running. www.truelovescam.com and its agents are not licensed as attorneys, medical doctors, psychiatrists, psychologists, or therapists. See the entire and full True Love Scam Recovery Privacy Policy and Legal Agreement and Disclaimer here. Thank you.
Breaking up with evil is an odyssey through hell on steroids. It seems that no one understands what we’re going through. How do we cope and recover when we feel so alone?
So, you got to the day when you knew you had to break away, and you did it! Congratulations!You’re amazing, courageous, incredible and gorgeous inside and out. But then: the aftermath… When the real hell breaks loose. Everyone of us finds this shocking since we’d been living in hell for a while by the time we ended this “relationship”.
…A relationship is hardly what we ought to call it at this point, and for good reason, which we’ll get to a little later. Let’s reserve that peek into the heart of the deep-darkside of this mess.
As for now, in the aftermath, when the “break up” has happened, after we’ve gotten either them or ourselves out of a shared home, we’re struggling. Confused, grasping, frozen, and so, so scared. This is the emotional landscape pathological predators and users inspire without their trying – it just is the way it is. Who can we turn to?
We Know Somethings Wrong: We Don’t Know What
Let’s start at the beginning of the whole schemer. We, each, naturally, entered into what we thought was a relationship with a kindred spirit. These hijackings are most often described as a dream-come-true kind of soul-mate match.
And to the next person that tells you this malarkey: That you had to know they and the amazingness of them was fishy because, if it seems too good to be true, it isn’t…You tell them from me: There are very, very good things that are very true.
Don’t let anyone tell you the reason this happened is because you missed something, or have a broken picker, or don’t have boundaries. It isn’t. This happens because evil people exist.
It happens like this: An ordinary day, our usual routine – or maybe we’re out somewhere we usually don’t go. We meet someone, like them, believe them, trust them. This is all normal and our right as humans on planet earth.
And with this person, we had a certainty that we’d met a person of amazing character and quality. As it turns out, we didn’t and they aren’t: and they know it. And further they know that we don’t know that they’re a lying, deceiving snake, and that’s just how they want it for as long as possible so they can use us and take things from us. That makes them rotten and wrong: not us.
The trauma and post trauma of being scammed by a pathological user that we loved and trusted our life with is singular.
Naturally, as we became a couple – still not realizing the pull of their influence of natural dark and hellish coercion – we stick with them and stay in what we think is a side-by-side love-match. We look forward to our bright future together. Yet unbeknownst to us, rather than side-by-side, we’re not on the same page…Not in the same book. Heck, not in the same time warp or galaxy.
It’s fairly early on that we feel weird. There are inconsistencies, odd things that happen, that they say… And we rationalize. Or ask and are rebuffed or worse. Or don’t ask at all. Because of what we are as normal humans – mixed with, colliding with what they are as sociopathic entities: we stay, we continue to rationalize or set questions aside. This is the normal way of things when someone is ensorcelled under coercive control by a sociopathic “person”.
This kind of entrapment can happen to anyone at any time in life. There are even those of us who have a sociopath parent, sibling, or child. For some of us, we met this evil as teenagers. We might have spent our teenage years to now, living in a slow simmering turmoil and chaos until landing here; arriving puzzled, in pain, and oh, so, so sad and exhausted.
Breaking Up With Evil
Breaking Up with Evil: Escaping Coercive Control on Amazon
Five women’s true stories of being ensnared hauled through the confusion, lies, fear, and pain, and breaking away.
Told in their own words, they leave nothing unsaid. Find validation and see new glimpses of the truth as they share their stories… Stories that could be any of ours.
This pile of steaming confusion is something we can barely breathe inside of, or comprehend as our minds and bodies and stomachs churn every minute. Our friends…?
They didn’t understand when we were in it, and now, now that we’re making an exit, and mining discoveries that burn our eyeballs and bring up breakfast, they will understand far less.
It feels like we’re at the onset of a walk through the fire, a ride through a tsunami on a piece of cardboard.
Though We Can Barley Stand, We Need to Talk
We want, need and deserve answers that are real. Our chance at full recovery is within knowing the truth. A truth beyond the standard explanations.
As we go through the mind-bending maze of breaking up with evil, we need to talk and tell and retell…. because: we’re trying to figure out why this happened, what happened and how someone could do this to someone they professed to love. We’re mid-traumatic-event with more life-shaking discoveries ahead.
Real Answers: Real Recovery
Post Traumatic Stress is Real
We’re in post-trauma because the time spent as “a couple” when that other person is an antisocial psychopath is a traumatic event, yet not a typical traumatic event. Rather than a short-lived one-time event it’s sustained trauma and is in our daily life.
By typical traumatic event, I mean a natural disaster, a car accident, or physical attack by a stranger, or in war. The events which people often don’t want to talk about, can’t talk about and might be told by some not to talk about… yet these events are accepted. No one questions someone about the validity of having their house robbed, but sustain a life-jacking…? Somehow it’s supposed that we’re to blame.
Post Trauma is Where Healing Starts
The trauma and post-trauma of being scammed by a pathological user that we loved and trusted our life with are singular. This is someone we loved, yet now we’re absorbing: that they didn’t love us after all.
The discovery that they lied is traumatic. We do want and need to tell our story because we’re looking for answers at every retelling. We’re stunned and unwinding the maze to see more of what happened… we need to. We talk about it a lot. We need to.
This is No Ordinary Break Up: It’s a Life-Saving Escape
As we’re in real trauma, and post-trauma, trying to make sense of what happened, we go over and over and over it. It’s the only thing on our minds. After about three weeks, people tell us to move on, thinking we’re in a normal break-up.
Not only does this not help, but it also isn’t possible: not until we do get the answers to what happened and how. We want, need, and deserve answers that are real. Our chance at full recovery is within knowing the truth. A truth beyond the standard explanations.
Defend and Explain Ourselves to No One
The inevitable and unavoidable post trauma has set up camp in our lives. The good news is: this is not the new us. How we’re feeling is normal; normal and not permanent.
Our impatient friends might tell us we’re obsessed. We might have taken on the idea that we’re obsessed, or that we’re ruminating or fixated. Anyone who suggests that is wrong. They don’t understand what breaking up with evil is.
We need to replay what happened until we find the answers. It’s the natural healing process the body is searching for answers our friends don’t have, and neither do we, yet. Believing we’re ruminating or obsessing blinds the truth. – Our body s doing what it does to find answers. Plug in new information and answers will seem to fall from the sky…
So, keep looking, turn it over and over. Please keep asking questions and looking for answers that slow and then stop the merry-go-round in our heads. Add the real information and truth about this phenomenon, realign the view of ourselves with compassion and facts about what normal is and we’re on the way.
It’s Too Unbelievable and Just too Much
Not only do people around us not understand our agitation, the way our hand tremors as we try to take another sip of tea and tell more, well… it frightens them. It’s all too much for them from the outside looking in at us breaking up with evil.
We can see that they can’t believe that we could’ve believed this person. They don’t understand that it’s normal to believe people. It’s not at all in their awareness that evil people exist even if they didn’t like the person we just broke up with.
We try to explain. What comes back eventually or immediately from others is most commonly along the lines of, You gotta admit, you made a bad choice. The response of friends and family blasts us with another shock, another punch in the gut.
We explain again, It wasn’t like that, it’s just not a regular break-up… this is more than that! We see a silent sideways glance and a look between or between our friends or our coworkers or our parents for the 500th time. Another punch in the gut and still, we want to explain, again…
They Can’t Take It
What if we’re on the threshold of a new discovery? As if we’re a part of the team that discovered the earth was round rather than flat?
Try to stop explaining it to others. No matter how profound and accurate about these beasts what you discover is, it’s exhausting. Keep in mind that no matter what, there’s no need to explain ourselves to anyone. There’s no call ever to defend yourself to those who don’t understand.
And sad to say but our explaining can take us to more loss, rather than support. After landing on more explanations for the behavior and more discoveries about what they’ve done we want to tell our friends. Instead, we look up and see that after about three months of this that our friends, even the best of our besties, have vacated the premises.
And – truth be told, nothing, none of those partial answers or standard explanations has stopped the room from spinning or eased the pain. We notice one of these sad days, that our pants are sliding down, and we weigh about 20-pounds less than we used to.
Post-Trauma Sits Down With Us and Stays Awake All Night With Us
In post-trauma, part of us is floating somewhere off to the right side of our head, another part of us is heavy in our gut, another part is aware of movements all around us… like thinking he’s about to show up around the corner.
It could be, that we barely notice the exodus of our friends, or weep when we notice, but really, we’re too busy trying to figure out what happened and why we’re in a ball on the floor, and can’t seem to even do the laundry.
We’re Hit Hard in Every Realm
We suffer emotional confusion, anxiety, fear… And possibly face real physical danger. We’re hit hard financially, and all but collapsed under the two-ton truck sucker-punch to the heart, body, mind, and soul. No one can begin to understand what this was or why we stayed unless they’ve been in it too. – And even then, real understanding is eluisve.
It seems the inevitable and unavoidable post-trauma has set up camp in our lives and is here to stay. The good news is: this is not the new us. How we’re feeling is normal; normal and not permanent: if we take in the information and new perspectives that answer every question, and can resolve every loss.
Most of us shiver in vacillating doubt of everything we think and feel. Most of all, we’re wondering if maybe we’re wrong and maybe after all they are the amazing people we first thought they were and that all this is in our head. Or, worse yet thoughts that we’re the problem, that we’re the evil.
The Room Stops Spinning When We Understand
Who feels like they’re going mad? Did every hand in the dark, reading this in bed go up? This is exactly how you would feel right now.
We’re solely occupied with replaying the scenes and conversations with them. Rewinds and reviews of even those moments we thought of as “fun” cycle on repeat… Because we must know what that confusion, the head-spinning upheavals, and the gut-punch actually meant.
One thing we know for sure: no one understands as we do battle in breaking up with evil. We didn’t and don’t understand… that’s why we got online… that’s what led us here, to this page. Finally, we’ve found a place where understanding this is the pathway to restoring your life. All those questions, all those replays hold the answer when we find the keys to unlock them.
We’re doing something big here, we’re effecting paradigm shifts that will redirect the trajectory of our own lives, and of all humanity.
These vivid and haunting images and revamps with new endings of a happier ending (if only we’d done something differently), is an effort by the body to find answers. Please know, this is normal, and this will continue until we get real answers.
Talking about it, and seeking reasons that make sense is a necessary piece to unwinding the madness. Each of us is spinning, retching, crying, confused, panicked, maybe scared out of our minds. Frantically, we’re wondering if we are losing it and if all this isn’t our fault.
All of this is normal under the circumstances. How many of you are doubting your selves? – That’s normal too. Please don’t acquiesce in shame under the popular opinion that we allowed this. Please, don’t stop until you get answers that make real sense, and honor you.
There Are Answers: The Most Healing Answers of All
The thing is, if we keep looking at it purely from our emotional pain, we might not see the answers. We’ll want something to crack the mystery of the crazy… new information that plugs into our replay to reveal the pure and simple truth of what happened and why.
There’s more to this than gaslighting. Hoovering happens, or doesn’t happen for a very specific reason. Deflection, projection, and the silent treatment are not random nor what they seem. Every piece of this has two combined paradoxical and very simple explanations; a hideous one, and a gorgeous one. Those are the only two sides to the breakup.
The fact is, getting to this new point of knowing the answers and certainty of them and the why is full healing, but it’s a long walk from here to there. We need someone to talk to. There are answers. Real answers that leave us whole again, all of them, right here.
Discovery and Awakening
We’re each on a mission, together; and together, we’re not alone, and we do understand.
For most of us, breaking up with evil is a solo journey. The impending isolation and alone-ness are colossal on one hand, yet we’re among hundreds-of-thousands who’ve gone through this, and are part of a mass awakening: an awakening to the brutal depths of the sinister-side of humanity; we’re advancing all together, and alone as we evolve as humans.
Together, yet as individuals. Interconnected and interdependent and each on our own. There’s a collective transformation of consciousness underway, and we’re leading as the advance guard, as pioneers. So, no, everyone won’t understand, but we must; we must have answers.
Together We Understand, Heal, and Make Change
In breaking up with evil, others from the outside looking in, might think we’re only breaking up with some really bad guy or really awful woman… and have lost our minds, or should have known better… Think again world, because that’s no kind of answer; that’s founded in grave misunderstanding and missed opportunity.
What if we’re on the threshold of a new discovery? As if a part of the team that discovered the earth was round rather than flat? What if we’re part of a human revolution to avert the world from crumbling under self-absorbed destruction, and toward a unified realization that we’re of infinite value; that we each create our lives, and can make love-not-war, peace and joy, and happiness for all a reality?
We’re doing something big here. By finding the real answers behind these sickening traumas, we’re effecting paradigm shifts that will redirect the trajectory of our own lives, and of all humanity. – As I see it, we’re each a part of a much larger situation. We’re each of us who’ve been through this on a mission together, and together, we’re not alone.
Add these to your contacts so you don’t miss a newsletter! jennifer@truelovescam.com info@truelovescam.com
As a certified coach, upholding industry standards I strive to inform, educate, invite thought and dialogue, to co-plan, co-strategize, advise, consult, refer, recommend, train, teach, guide and coach people in guided recovery and discovery specific to these crimes, and from hell and broken in the aftermath to whole again, and more. You decide what winning is.
Affiliate links are in every True Love Scam Recovery article. Clicks on these links provide minor compensation to keep the site running. www.truelovescam.com and its agents are not licensed as attorneys, medical doctors, psychiatrists, psychologists, or therapists. See the entire and full True Love Scam Recovery Privacy Policy and Legal Agreement and Disclaimer here. Thank you.
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I don’t think I would be where I am if I hadn’t found you and learned from you, and I’m still learning. Thanks for all you are doing to raise awareness of these monsters. ~ J.S.
After our first session, I was left feeling very empowered, and I’m excited to continue the conversation! You’re one of the only people out there who understands this like this; I think maybe you’re the only person. You have a way of simplifying the pieces and elements. I’m very glad to have talked to you.~ G.D.
As a certified professional coach upholding industry standards and ethics, I strive to inform, educate, co-plan, co-strategize, advise, consult, refer, recommend, train, teach and coach people in guided discovery-recovery specific to these crimes, and from hell and broken in the aftermath to whole again, and more.
Heal, recover, trust again: it’s all possible.
As a certified coach and as someone who’s lived through this nightmare and won, I can tell you, there’s nothing wrong with you; there’s everything right with you.
Sessions are a guided journey at your pace through discovery building a deep and expanding recovery. In a combination of questions, information, dialogue, guidance, and coaching together we unwind the tangled mess clearing your way out of the emotional, mind-bending maze.
No two sessions are alike. The dialogues are unique and coaching is improvisational based on where you are and inspired by your needs, your personality, and what’s important to you.
We begin from where you are and find the way to where you want to be. Each session is unique to you.
Together we map your way out of hell. Session notes and summaries become a reminder and guide.
Add these to your contacts so you don’t miss a newsletter! jennifer@truelovescam.com info@truelovescam.com
As a certified coach, upholding industry standards I strive to inform, educate, invite thought and dialogue, to co-plan, co-strategize, advise, consult, refer, recommend, train, teach, guide and coach people in guided recovery and discovery specific to these crimes, and from hell and broken in the aftermath to whole again, and more. You decide what winning is.
Affiliate links are in some True Love Scam Recovery articles. Clicks on these links provide minor compensation to keep the site running. www.truelovescam.com and its agents are not licensed as attorneys, medical doctors, psychiatrists, psychologists, or therapists. See the entire and full True Love Scam Recovery Privacy Policy and Legal Agreement and Disclaimer here. Thank you.
