Boundaries: Who Needs Them?

Boundaries, rules, etiquette, manners,
behavior we expect and approve and accept.
They’ve been here in societies and cultures forever.
Why are we suddenly talking about “boundaries”?
And shaming some for not “having boundaries”
meant to stop others from bad behavior?

Let’s talk about “boundaries”. This is another current term and concept that drives me bonkers. Here’s why: “boundaries” is a concept that has come up only relatively recently. Its appearance is a piece of the human attempt to figure out and manage those who don’t heed natural and normal boundaries.

Boundaries – maybe think of “boundaries” as an expression of manners and etiquette; of social rules on behavior. When we talk boat “having boundaries” aren’t we indicating “walls” or “stops” we’re meant to have in place that keep others from walking across those social rules?

truelovescam.com, boundaries: who has them and who needs them?

These social norms of behavior exist, have existed, always will exist, and are shared socially and culturally between all. They also evolve out of the changes within a culture that rises from changes within the people who make up that culture and society.

These beasts, however, do not heed social or cultural expectations or boundaries at any point in any culture’s development. So how would our building a wall make them behave?

They climb walls, walk around walls, blast through walls, smirking as they do it. They do not see themselves as “to blame” for anything… Some phrase it this way: they aren’t accountable… They never have been and never will be – and can’t hold themselves to social norms.

You, on the other hand, have boundaries, heed boundaries, and respect boundaries. You don’t need more “boundaries”. Think about it like this, if you didn’t have “boundaries”… their tramping on yours wouldn’t hurt.

If this sounds reasonable… look into more to untangle the confusion.

Guided and real recovery

The Pathologically Narcissistic Heed No Boundary

The pathologically narcissistic who invade people’s lives in deception – even their children’s or parent’s or sibling’s lives – do not change, cannot change, and cannot be a part of one’s life in a positive, mutually contribution, or meaningful way.

Why are we told that we’re responsible for what these non-accountable-others do when they tread upon our lives using a pack of lies as their ticket to get in?

Their very presence is harmful and the devastating fallout that comes from them being what they are and doing what they do is inevitable.

And integral to what they are is stepping on and over others in all ways. Doing as they please at any cost to others is at the foundation of their existence. So how and why on earth are we meant to be the gatekeeper of their actions?

Don’t believe me? Let’s look at more of this idea…

Breaking Up With Evil

Breakign Up with Evil, by Jennifer Smith on Amazon and Good Reads

Breaking Up with Evil: Escaping Coercive Control on Amazon

Five women’s true stories of being ensnared, and hauled through the confusion, lies, fear, and pain, and breaking away.

True crime. Told in their own words with nothing unsaid. Find validation, and see new glimpses of truth as these five women share their stories… Stories that could be any of ours.

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Personal Borders aka Boundaries: Another Name for Manners, Etiquette

“Boundaries” as a talked-about concept molded into life tips in social media memes is a relatively recent trend within the last five years or so.

It’s a piece of the attempt to manage those who don’t heed others’ boundaries in ways so shocking, and so harmful that people feel the need to protect themselves.

And though it’s these-heedless beings trampling into lives as if there’s a gilded invitation to do so, responsibility for their rampage is somehow, tossed at the feet of those being trampled upon.

Don’t Be Codependent, But Set Boundaries Because They Don’t…?

It seems like a contradiction to me, where on one hand the empath and the kind-hearted and deceived are shouted at and ordered by pressing social media memes to be sure we aren’t co-dependent… but to make darn well sure we know we’re responsible for their actions. – Huh…?!

Does that sound like I think it does…? Wouldn’t being expected to hold ourselves accountable for the actions of these pathologically narcissistic beings fall into the realm of co-dependent behavior?

…But… we’re not supposed to be “codependent“, right? Isn’t that another thing we’re told that we are and is a cause of these hijackings…? Hmm… as they say, something’s rotten in Denmark.

Why are we held accountable for the things they can’t hold themselves accountable for? Another double-bind that confuses and harms instead of supporting restoring your life.

Why are we told that we’re responsible for what these non-accountable others do when they tread upon our lives using a pack of lies as their ticket to get in? Confusing? You bet. Is this thinking and idea where ever it was founded well-meaning? Well, sure, let’s say yes it was. Misguided? Absolutely. Let’s start from the ground up to figure this out.

What the Heck Are Boundaries, Anyway?

When you think of boundaries, think of them as manners and etiquette. In other words, as things one does and doesn’t do in relating to other people. Aren’t these usually unspoken? Is it something we have to spell out to everyone, and everywhere in varying situations?

“Boundaries” are normal agreed-upon social and cultural expectations of our own and others’ behavior.

Work Place Boundaries

I don’t need to tell my boss to pay me or to let me go to lunch – sure there are laws to support or enforce this, but more: it’s a law because it’s a social expectation… There’s no need to tell my coworkers not to root around in my desk drawer or open the bathroom stall when I’m in it.

There are many workplace codes of ethics, rules, and expected behaviors that range from what we can wear to how to behave. Though many of them are delineated by personal handbooks and even laws or fair employment regulations, they are in handbooks and went through legislation or governmental consideration because they are expected and accepted as “right”. They are natural and agreed-upon boundaries…even if at one time they were fought for by labor unions, they now are in place expected, and the norm.

Known Boundaries at Home

Without a word about “boundaries” to my neighbors, they still don’t come and pick my hydrangeas from my garden. They don’t take my mail or leave their garbage on my lawn. I don’t have to set a boundary to let them know to not walk in my front door uninvited.

Would you take your neighbor’s newspaper? Play loud music at 3:00 am when everyone is asleep? Eat someone else’s leftover pizza? – In some families, whatever’s in the fridge is fair game, in others specific food under certain circumstances is delicious and anticipated personal property! – And – we all know the difference because it’s an expected and accepted social norm in the culture of our household.

In the home or in our neighborhood we don’t need to spell out to others that it’s not okay to _____. – Fill in the blank for yourself. What is a “rule”, a bit of manner or etiquette you can think of that happens without us all discussing or declaring it?

Boundaries Out and About

There’s no need to tell the other shoppers in the grocery store not to take the oranges or the cabernet and brie out of my cart… They know to get their own from the shelves and produce displays, and that my stuff is off-limits.

You could say, that boundaries are socially expected and accepted behavior.

What are some other examples of boundaries? Can you think of some manners and etiquette – behavior and speech – we all follow and don’t need to spell out anew for each friend or in each social setting?

Boundaries Everyone Knows About

Here are some examples of socially expected boundaries, rules, and manners that I thought of just now…

We don’t walk into someone’s house, or even a family member’s bedroom or the bathroom without knocking and getting the “okay” to enter.
While at a dinner party, no one takes another person’s drink off the table and helps themselves.
It’s not okay to call someone a wh@re or to call them fat.
We don’t stare at a woman’s breasts. – At least not openly.
It’s a given that romantic partners and spouses sleep in the same room, and in the same bed.

More Social Norms and Expectations

We don’t ask to borrow money… and if we do it’s from our closest and nearest such as a parent, a sibling, or a BFF. If we do, we feel really awkward about it…and we pay them back.
All of us know we don’t grab someone and force a sexual act on them.
It’s mutually known and accepted without discussion that we don’t take someone’s car keys and hop into their car and drive off.
With the exception of some religious groups, we mark one another’s birthdays and don’t just ignore them.
We all know that you don’t dig in a woman’s handbag or a man’s wallet and help yourself to their cash.

Would you agree that these are socially and culturally shared and understood between all without a word about it? Can you think of more of these “boundaries” that we all share? So, why then is there all this talk about “having boundaries” and the need to spell these things out?

Defining Boundaries… Why? When and Where?

And are you defining “boundaries” everywhere to everyone? …Likely this need to protect your “boundaries” is in the case of a few people only, and whom you can think of instantly.

Here’s the thing… If the social norms and expected and accepted behaviors aren’t followed without spelling them out, they won’t be even when they are spelled out.

Because, these beasts do not heed social or cultural expectations – boundaries – never have and never will.

The pathologically narcissistic who invade people’s lives in deception – even their children’s or parents or siblings – do not change, cannot change, and cannot be a part of one’s life without their very presence being harmful in addition to the devastating fallout that comes from them being what they are and doing what they do.

We Aren’t Responsible for A Criminals Behavior

Thinking we can say – must say – like it’s our job to say, okay, now that’s a boundary…don’t cross it… to the pathological is absurd. Not only that, it’s exhausting.

What’s more absurd is the idea that we’re meant to believe that this other person did what they did because we didn’t define our boundaries loudly or strongly enough or maybe not at all… and now we’re covered in guilt, drenched in shame, and this horrible situation is “all our fault”.

There’s a nasty hidden message there, it’s as if when we say, okay, now that’s a boundary…don’t cross it… there’s silence and implied, and if you do it’s my fault.

Rubbish. Complete crap.

Why Can’t They Be Accountable and Respect Boundaries?

The pathologically narcissistic beings will not, and do not heed accepted social boundaries, the accepted social and cultural norms and expectations whether you or I or anyone else speaks them out loud or not.

Wouldn’t being expected to hold ourselves accountable for the actions of these pathologically narcissistic fall beings in the realm of co-dependent behavior?

This is the meaning behind the term “antisocial” within ASPD, antisocial personality disorder, the antisocial psychopath – though you might call them a “narcissist”.

“Anti” is Latin for “against”. “Social” you can understand… The “antisocial” in this context means that they behave against social norms – no matter what, law or not a law spelled out or not talked about… There’s no respect for the boundaries they don’t heed – or the boundaries they do heed which only happens when they see that action as for their own benefit.

Will go in your handbag and help themselves.
They will root around in your desk drawer.
And your car? It’s eight miles down the road right now and they’re in the driver’s seat.
Oh, and last night’s dinner? You’ll never get that $85 back.

A “Narcissist” is Functionally a Sociopath

And this, my friends, is what a “narcissist” is. A being who behaves against and outside of expected or accepted societal norms – no matter what.

You…? You’re perfect. Yes. Perfect as you are without shouting on about boundaries to one of these nuts. You get to be the human that you are. Gorgeous inside and out. You already have “boundaries”. If you didn’t, it wouldn’t hurt when they’re trampled on.

There’s Nothing About This That is Your “Fault”

No, it is not “your fault” because you don’t have “boundaries”. Nothing about you gives them permission, they’ll happily grab what they want, do as they desire on their own.

They don’t care. Save your breath. It’s these monsters who are missing boundaries. We’ve got ours. It isn’t your job to regulate what they do and don’t do. They will do what they do because of what they are, not because of any fault or weakness or anything lacking or missing in you.

Attempting to set “boundaries” for maniacs who don’t care and don’t heed any boundaries including laws against forgery, rape or murder is useless, relentless tiring, and draining because it’s a task that is misplaced and can never be complete. The only “boundary” needed is setting up no contact.

Please do. May the spell break today. May you wend your way to freedom and to being pathological user-proof forever by beginning with no contact. The only “boundary” that makes a difference.

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As a certified coach, upholding industry standards I strive to inform, educate, invite thought and dialogue, to co-plan, co-strategize, advise, consult, refer, recommend, train, teach, guide and coach people in guided recovery and discovery specific to these crimes, and from hell and broken in the aftermath to whole again, and more. You decide what winning is.