A True Love Scam Reader’s Guest Post, written by E.R.
Breaking no contact can bring us freedom too.
That peek back into where we were is not all bad.
– Depends on why and then what we do next.
A True Love Scam Reader’s Guest Post
Written by: E.R.
E.R. was a young college student and this entanglement was her very first relationship. Her parents couldn’t understand her trauma. She yearned for closure, for a natural and mutual ending, for explanations, as do we all when the end arrives.
Through a willingness to take in more, and through sessions with me to begin to shed the assumptions we make about them from the point of view of how we look at the world, E. was able to piece her life back together.
That healing and recovery process is an odyssey of disbelief after disbelief giving way to discovery and relief and resolution if we can step into seeing things we never thought possible.
Going Contact for Peace of Mind
I fell in love with a cute, charming, tender, sensual, simple, strong man. We met on a beach holiday that I took abroad. We emailed and talked and sent texts when I was back home. I went back to that beach every six months to visit him, to get to know him better. I was in love.
Instead of the happiness I expected or first felt, after a lot of pain, I ended our relationship. I went no contact, but then I broke no contact.
In defense of breaking no contact: I learned a lot. I learned who he really was by spying on his life on social media. – By breaking no contact I learned that his Facebook is a sort of display of his love-conquests.
He has friends – other guys – who live at that tourist beach too for the same reason: to live as parasites off tourists; women traveling for vacations and a little fun.
I learned that if he was offline for a few days and I couldn’t reach him… it meant he was having an affair with some new tourist. He was busy love-bombing and paying them attention, fake affection in exchange for whatever he could get.
Find the way back to you.
I learned from his Facebook that he randomly ‘friends’ people he does not know, among which I saw: one Brazilian gay man and a too-young girl from Indonesia.
I learned that when he checked into a city on Facebook, it meant that was the city a prey was living in. his full active prey was never pictured on his Facebook. But he did check-in to the cities they were from giving away their existence as part of his catch..
I learned that liking the page of a club or group or a business, or a soccer team was the sign he was engaging in cheating with a woman related to that activity or in that group.
His email taught me a lot too; I learned his email was full of online dating emails.
And that he subscribed to a website to win a U.S. green card from.
I discovered from his email and SMS that he was still missing and loving his ex-girlfriend for the first 8 months I was in his life.
The Sociopath’s Email Account Tells a Story
His email revealed to me that he had another ‘official girlfriend’ for 6 months when he was already ‘official’ with me. And he sent her exactly the same loving messages he used with me. He even re-used a little poem I sent to him, sending it to her.
Now that I broke up and went no contact, and then behind his back spied on his Facebook, I am learning that he is still the same. Despite the (fake) apologies and pathetic attempts to keep me in his crazy life, he never even stopped for a second to enjoy pornographic images, ‘friend’ new lovers, and say what he said to me to anyone else who would listen.
This is teaching me that all that happened had nothing to do with me; He cheated and lied when I was sweet as much as when I broke up with him.
When I was questioning him as much as when I blindly trusted him; when I was The One and when I am no longer in his life.
Benefits of Looking: When We Turn Pain to Our Advantage
Although I am not fully respecting no contact by spying on his social media, although the first reaction to seeing him with other girls is still painful, I learned something for me. I learned to rationalize for my benefit. I had rationalized giving him the benefit of the doubt for a very long time, in order to put some logic in his nonsense; now I am using what he ‘taught’ me to rationalize in my favor!
Looking at him now helped me look beyond my emotions and repeat to myself like a mantra that he is still the same, will always be the same. A good-looking heartless-cheater.
Thank you, E.R. for sharing the sweet inside the bitter.
Here’s to REAL True Love and Happiness!
Time to Thrive!
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2015_12_18 2021_07_17
I went back to contact properly after no contact with him. At first it just was because he kept messaging me and i am friends with other exes and figured we could stay friends but he kept asking me to get back together with him and for some reason (even after his previous blatant lies) that eventually started to appeal to me. i now realise all the tricks they do to keep you hooked on them so they can get supply and it seems now, after looking back on everything, he wanted me as a sexual outlet for his fetish and its likely that’s all the relationship was and he never loved me but pretended he did for this reason. After we split he was always saying he wanted really expensive things and i’m sure he was hinting at me to buy them for him despite knowing i have 4 children who rely on me financially.
I deleted all his texts on my phone, and cPTSD means i don’t really remember them. But luckily i have all the skype appdata we had over the relationship. And after correlating those to his ‘gf’ facebook and just the data itself some, what i consider, sinister stuff can be seen.
He’d already met her before i found all the dating websites he had made.
He called me loads of times on skype the actual night he met, according to her facebook on the exact same date, idk why he did that but we were still ‘together’ and he’d been to mine since then. We officially split up in november but i saw months after that he’d had been looking for someone for his feitsh, which led me to believe i was wrong about him and he really was still single.
On his days off he had been heading into town to buy new clothes instead of spending them with me, i saw his fb cover picture was a picture of him and her with him wearing these new clothes, that he’d even packed in a bag in front of me for going away somewhere, i can’t remember what lie he’d used to explain that away but trusting me believed him.
He’d added some staff from work to his profile, the pretty, young girls.
He’d put up loads of old pictures to make his life look more interesting, around the time he’d met her.
He had previously blocked me from fb so i didn’t know he had an account and as he’d said he doesn’t use fb previously and i believed him because i do know people who don’t use it and had no reason to not believe him. But i got an inkling one day that he did have one because he seemed to know what was on mine and refer to things i’d posted on fb but not directly, like coming out with hints or asking me my opinion on things i’d posted. Weirdly around about the time i met him 2 ‘anonymous’ type profiles added me as friend, both with the names Paul in them, Jason Paul and Paul George, i even mentioned to ‘my’ Paul at the time how strange that was that i’d met him and then 2 Pauls asked me to be friends.
There’s probably more stuff but tbh i don’t really care. The day i saw this stuff it was closure for me. the whole truth came out, well most of it because he told me his mum had died and she has not and i found out via fb that she is still alive. But all the lies add to up to he is not right for me as i value honesty, and that he probably has serious mental issues and is to be avoided until he sorts those out…and a lot of evidence leads me to think he will never sort this out as he doesn’t want to change. So good riddance. I could never trust him anyway after all this so why think about that possibility anyway.
Oh, and one time on skype, after we split and he still wanted me back in 2015 i saw the true him for the first time. He was weird, talking explicitly about violent acts, and creepy a bit like how weirdos are in horror films. but i put that down to the stress of his mum dying, even though i didn’t know she was still alive at the time. Towards the end of being together he started telling me all kinds of weird things about himself as well, like how he was a bully at school and he seemed proud of that, and also told me about the violent things he did as a bouncer and seemed to be bragging. Not sure if it was to put me off him but it worked if it was.
It’s good to get that closure you need. I’ve never been back to his page since and don’t even want to. I think i know what i’ve seen and that’s enough for me.
Congratulations!!!! It’s amazing how weird they are when we see thought them. It’s like an entirely different person is there – Another woman who conned the nutter who conned me and I used to marvel at how ugly and strange looking and sounding her really was after we saw through him. He was insane.- So happy you are Freeeeeee! : )