That thing you’re calling a “narcissist” … the sociopath secretly loves the Holidays. Storming out because you didn’t make their favorite dish is a cover. It’s how they get out of the house to hunt… in the most wonderful time of year.
During the holidays, normal people want things merry and bright. We have family visiting, kids to make memories for, traditions to uphold, trees to decorate, cookies to bake, and presents to wrap.
It’s never easy to grasp the real-deal stark reality of what’s going on in these hijackings. There’re the secrets, the subtext, and the hidden motivations of these creatures that are elusive to us. When we’re in the initial throes of the struggle to clear the fog to confirm the person we love is a monster, the holiday season is the bitterest time of all for decoding what’s up.
Trauma response is real. It’s also normal. There’s nothing wrong with us. In fact, our bodies are protecting us. Go with it.
We’re truly amazing! Trauma response is normal, valid and to be honored. When our eyes are at half-mast, and it’s only 11:00 am. That time in the afternoon when our brain is mush… and by afternoon, I mean 1:04 pm. The wish from deep in our bones to curl up with Netflix or just nothing and do nothing but sleep…
These creatures infamously talk up a storm. It’s a trademark of a narcissist or sociopath. Contact is their full-time work to ensnare, entrap, and keep prey locked in place.
Gaslighting. That confusing babble that oozes from their gobs nonstop. This tirade of conflicting and hurtful and ridiculous nonsense, unfortunately, spins us up off our feet and into a frenzy of trying to “talk about it”. We want to talk it out and resolve their concerns. So kind of us; so normal.
PTSD can bring nightmares and dreams. As scary as some of them are… Rest assured everything about our bodies is on our side, including our subconscious sleeping mind.
PTSD, dreams, nightmares… To sleep, perchance to dream… After these hijackings we look to sleep as a respite from all the daytime whirling thoughts. Our bodies need more sleep. Sleep as much as your bodies desires as you heal and extract them from your bones.
During PTSD we want to sleep and sleep and sleep. And we need to. We aren’t being lazy, or avoiding moving on; we are healing and we are moving on. – All that extra sleep heals PTSD and is purposeful. Not only our our bodies designed to heal us in sleep, those dreams we have are on our side as well.
PTSD triggers are the normal bodily response to a traumatic event. The traumatic event we’re concerned with is that of an entanglement in a relationship with a narcissistic individual.
Particularly the ones so narcissistic that they’re what you’d call, pathological. This would be the kind that lies even when they wouldn’t need to in order to get what they want and basically lies about everything else as well. – In this case, what you’ve experienced is a single traumatic event that by its nature takes place over a period of time rather than in a flash, and then it’s done.
PTSD Triggers Do Not Mean Broken
PTSD is an alarm system built into the body. It’s meant to protect you from an impending repeat danger by alerting you with specifically designed triggers based on a previous traumatic event.
It’s bespoke, custom-made for you unconsciously by your body.
A specific trauma is experienced when the person we thought of as “the one” lies and deceives us.
The depth of the deception and the continuous deception by someone we thought of as trustworthy and close to us is profoundly traumatic.
PTSD Is Normal
PTSD is a state in which our body’s nervous system is out of balance, out of order, if you will. This is where we get the naming of PTSD as… post-traumatic stress dis-order. Its purpose is that you recognize and avoid the danger same kind of danger in the future.
Naturally, until we’re fully recovered, there will be things that catch us off guard almost anywhere and trigger us. There isn’t anything permanently or even temporarily intrinsically wrong with you…
Though weeping suddenly at the sound of a song wafting through the air while in a department store can be frustrating and maybe even embarrassing, your body is beautifully doing what it’s designed to do to protect you.
Those strong fear signals are to keep you away from the source of the trauma. – Over time we rebalance the nervous system so that the song in the department store doesn’t bring fear or tears or bad memories.
Knowing what’s happening and why is more than half-healed.
The bodies way of recording past experiences and remembering markers of danger to keep us safe now and in the future is a perfectly great plan when the traumatic event is that you see a lion or a puma in the jungle about to attack – again – and you need to turn and run.
In this case, however, here in the 21st century with our more discerning minds, office towers, paved roads, and Amazon delivery, the PTSD and its lovely triggers feel as useful as a wool sweater in mid-summer. And honestly, can be really scary or out of place in a social setting and make you want to just stay home.
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Five women’s true stories of being ensnared hauled through the confusion, lies, fear, and pain, and breaking away.
Told in their own words, they leave nothing unsaid. Find validation and see new glimpses of the truth as they share their stories… Stories that could be any of ours.
So, what to do about this wool sweater? What to do about triggers in the middle of your modern workday? Or at the market? And at a cocktail party? Let’s talk about how and when and what can trigger the memory of the trauma and about how we might smooth the experience… and eventually diminish this response altogether.
A key bit to smoothing the rough edges of PTSD is realizing that it’s natural, that it’s normal. And for me, this took me into a kind of awe at its efficiency; even to appreciate it a bit.
When I went through it, I found myself amazed at the power of the body’s warning system. I’ll tell you what, my body was the first thing that told me I was in trouble with this “relationship”, while my mind rationalized it. In the aftermath I observed myself in wonder, thinking, wow, people’s hands really shake. Our knees really cave in. – Isn’t that kind of miraculous?
Triggers All Around Us
The things that bring on PTSD triggers vary depending on what the body has stored for us as markers of this kind of danger. It can be the shape of a body, the movement of a person, cologne or other smell or scent, a certain car, a particular neighborhood or place or song, even a certain food or activity.
Sometimes when activated the trigger releases a memory, sometimes it does not. In some cases, it can be a full memory of an original traumatic event. For others, it’s more of a sickening momentary reminder. This varies from person to person and is also in relation to the event itself and the level of perceived and actual trauma.
PTSD is a Sign Our Body is In Perfect Working Order
Our bodies don’t mind where we are, or what we’re in the middle of doing… they do their job to protect us no matter what. This can be embarrassing and awkward when we’re in places where we feel it isn’t appropriate to shake like a leaf or cry or want to vomit.
All of this is okay. Your feelings are valid. Your fear is yours, and that’s okay. You get to be who you are. PTSD triggers don’t have to be permanent. If you’re anything like me, my desire was to heal the PTSD, to heal the triggers, to tame and resolve them so that they were no longer part of me.
Heal PTSD Triggers: Methods and Modalities
Choosing how to approach your healing is up to you. Whatever it is that brings you answers, resolution, and returns your calm and well-being is good. Whatever brings you the confidence, knowledge, and skills to disassemble the harm and to turn your raw emotions, feelings, thoughts, and perceptions to your benefit is fantastic.
Specialty Therapies
EMDR: EMDR stands for, Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. This is a kind of therapy performed by a listened practitioner of this modality of healing. It can be very effective for diminishing triggers tied to specific singular events. Its goal is to process past experiences and sort out the emotions attached to those experiences.
Somatic Therapy: Somatic therapy is a mind-body connection therapy using exercises and other physical methods to release stored tension. It combines talk therapy with what are sometimes considered alternative forms of physical therapy. A somatic therapist might utilize breathing, meditation, vocalization, and even massage as a part of this modality.
Traditional Therapy
All therapy choices are personal and individual. This is in no way meant to be taken as professional mental health or medical advice or a substitute for professional care.
Traditional Therapy: Psychiatrists, psychologists, therapists, and counselors are educated from the paradigm of approaching you as a client in order to determine what is wrong with you. Some therapists are centered on more contemporary or casual talk or narrative therapy and can be quite passive. Others are centered on classical or Freudian approaches to analyzing and fixing you.
Ultimately their decisions, advice, and opinion of you can influence how you feel about yourself. Being “declared” as having a condition or disorder can often retard or interfere with actual healing. Depending on your circumstances this may or may not be a good route for you.
Be aware: their findings are part of your medical records. If you mention anything that signals to them that you are a danger to yourself or to others they are obligated to report your condition to authorities. These findings, though private can be subpoenaed for court if the court decision is to determine your ability to care for a minor child.
Medical Support
Medication: Chemical medications are prescribed by a licensed medical or mental health practitioner and a record of this remains on our health records. Some find medication useful to in effect, suppress the trauma response and associated anxieties. Chemical drugs do not resolve the trauma or emotional memory of it stored within our bodies. There are a few go-to’s for PTSD: Fluoxetine (Prozac), Sertraline (Zoloft), Paroxetine (Paxil), and Venlafaxine (Effexor). All have effects that may be undesirable, uncomfortable, or harmful. – Do your research.
Homeopathic Healing: Homeopathy is a form of medicine that causes the body to remember perfect health. It’s subtle; when it works you simply feel good again. It leads the body to heal itself and repair on a deep level. Common remedies for shock, trauma, loss, and grief are Arnica (Arnica Montana), Ignatia (Ignatia Amara), and Aconite (Aconitum Napellus). There are no undesirable effects or harmful effects. Either a remedy works for you or it does not. Aconite is particularly for when nightmares are part of your experience and Ignatia helps when sleep is difficult due to a busy or racing mind at night.
There are many other homeopathic remedies that may be perfect for you, as the remedy chosen is unique to each person. Remedies can be self-prescribed and purchased through retail sources such as Amazon, Whole Foods, natural health stores, and Hahnemann Labs or by a licensed classical Homeopathic doctor.
Self-Seeking Modalities
Recovery Coaching: Guided recovery coaching is quite useful when carried out with a certified coach who is familiar with this specific trauma. A good coach can lead you to answers that resolve every question and leave you whole and confident again. As coaching is forward-directed and query-based, there is great depth and ground that can be covered including moving into your renewed life plans as you heal.
Knowledge and Perspective: This must be sought on one’s own. Many find partial answers that leave more questions; maybe that leaves the mark of self-blame or shame. In the case of being roped into an abusive dynamic by a pathological person, gaining the true perspective on how a person can commit these acts that harmed you is a way to diminish the effect. There’s much well-intended yet incomplete and flat-out inaccurate information about this.
When knowledge, information, or perspective is right, it fits and falls into place allowing another aspect of the maze to arise for resolving. – You roll through to completion and resolution rather than remaining in pain. – There can be resistance to new views on this phenomenon or about this person who you were involved with. It’s up to each individual to pursue what it takes to truly be free of this trauma. Full recovery requires courage.
We’ve All Got Time
Time: Time is on our side in healing. Though one must be careful that you aren’t relying on time alone. Along with time, please be sure that over time you’re continually looking for the things that answer your questions.
Burning questions such as, how can someone do this to someone else? And how does this happen, and why did this happen to me? And does he love them, and why didn’t he love me?Am I a bad person because I want him to suffer? – And of course answer all the questions about how to handle the real circumstances you’ve been left with and turn over your ideas of certain aspects of them that keep the confusion to no confusion at all.
So scary, embarrassed and triggers can go bye-bye… Each of these questions has an answer that will leave no question in your mind that this whole surreal debacle had nothing to do with anything about you…other than you – being fully human and gorgeous inside and out.
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Narcissistic sociopaths rage so that we don’t see through them and catch them out. This ironically gives them away.
Narcissistic rage is frightening. And further puzzling and more frightening is that our normal behavior sparks the narcissistic rage. In the beginning, it seems like a dream…beyond a perfect dream, but this soon fades away and spirals into confusion. And lots of anger from them. Why are they so mad…?
Things looking bleak, feeling uninspired, and just plain worse? Holiday cheer can turn to holiday blahs and intermingle with PTSD.
Post “Holiday Season” there’s special brand of the blues that can hit us in our heart and soul. Even mid-holiday season, our emotions can take a nosedive. Though not much is said about it, for most people feel a lag in our energy and inspiration after the holidays. And this year… geez louise.
Our worth is not in their hands. They don’t devalue us; they can’t. These clowns didn’t value us to begin with. Repeat: our worth is not in their hands.
Devalue us…? There’s a popular lexicon delineating the ride with these jokers. It’s said they: love bomb, idealize, devalue then discard us. It sure feels like we were tossed out as last week’s rotting garbage, but.
What if there’s another way to think about this gut wrenching occurrence? One that helps us heal? What if there’s another angle that sets us free? Or are we going to let them hold all the cards? Do our emotions and feelings really explain what they were doing?
Weeping in despair, grief. Confusion. A shattered life. Depression and self doubt. Isolation. This heap of feelings and thoughts and questions are the beginning of restoration.
We can heal even the PTSD after a sociopath or what many call a narcissist. It includes emotions rolling over us in grand sweeps and simmering cess pools. These turn to feelings and thoughts that are untrue. There’s a is terror in PTSD others around can’t us usually can’t understand… We might not understand it ourselves.
You owe it to yourself to realize what this PTSD is, how it shows up, how to heal and rebalance yourself, and that it’s okay to be in a sate of post truama so that we can restore our gorgeous selves.
Altogether it’s loneliness and fears and doubts that are not the new you but can seem like it. There are many signs of PTSD, but the initial stages are most described by one word.
I don’t need to list the horrific things we’re all going through right now. You all know. I don’t need to list any of them. If you’ve seen the news or spend any time on Twitter… you know.
Depending on which continent, which country, and which part of that country you’re in the details might vary, but overall: it’s colossal. And particularly here in the USA, we’re seeing things we never dreamed could be.
