Closure with a sociopath
isn’t something to hold our breath over.
So many of us crave closure; an apology.
An explanation. An end to the ending.
This is a guest post by a true love scam recovery reader. she decided to write the apology she wanted from him. She shares that letter here… Here’s what she wrote for herself, to free herself with her own apology — the one that will never come from a sociopath – and if it does – they’re lying.
By E.R.
The Imaginary Apology from the Lying Sociopath
From E.R. to us: This is the apology letter I wrote to him, right after my break down. I sent it to him, asking him to read it to me. He never did. Instead, I gave him another 6 months to hurt me. It’s hard to accept that I still have loving feelings for someone who only hurt me. I think I just need some time.
Dear E,
I’m so sorry for the pain I caused you. I did not think of the consequences to you from my actions and my choices.
I couldn’t lose your help, so I kept hiding secrets to keep you around. I’m sorry. I thought you’d never know certain things and that it would be enough for you to be happy. I’m sorry I pushed this too far.
I apologize for everything I did and still do to you…
I apologize for hiding that I had a FB account, the first lie you found out and forgave…
I apologize for:
- Rejecting you many times as a friend on my FB after you found out
- Hitting on Sandra in front of your eyes and for not admitting it
- Asking you for money
- Promising I would pay you back when I knew I would never do that
- Forgetting your birthday
- Switching off my phone without caring about you
- Cheating on you with Pauline
- Telling her exactly the same things I said to you
- Making plans for the future with her while I was with you
- Putting pressure on you to bring me to Europe – and then…
- Canceling after you planned the trip so I could be with Brie
- Cheating on you with Ava
- Cheating on you with all the women I never told you about
- Making you beg me for answers I should have begged you to listen to
- For making you look like a fool with everyone who saw me with other girls
- Not using condoms and giving you two diseases
- Teasing you about your body shape
- Promising you many times that I would change
- What I did with Kate
- Bringing her to your home
- Contacting Rosanna and hiding it from you
- Not giving you the attention and love you deserve
- Wasting two years of your life waiting for love I do not feel and cannot give
- Blaming you for my troubled life
- Sucking up your savings
- Not celebrating your birthday
- Never buying you a present, flower to show appreciation for you
- Searching for Ava again as soon as you left
- Saying that I am single
- Chatting and for texting with girls in an intimate way
- I apologize for Marilyn
- Letting you live my lie
- Not being the man I told you I was
- Leaving you behind with such pain in your heart
- Contacting Pauline again yesterday
- Manipulating you and playing with your vulnerability
- Blaming your pain on you and telling you that you enjoy feeling like a victim
- Moving on so fast and so easy
- Telling you that I loved you
- Making you fall in love in with me
- Not being able to change for you
- Not writing this letter myself
I apologize, Sheldon
Thank you E.R. for sharing the rough steps along the way of healing.
We End It: They Don’t
Sociopaths offer no closure. They are unable to love and have no feelings of remorse. An apology is something they will never make. They feel no regret, shame, or guilt. There’s only one thing they’re sorry for: that they didn’t get more from us. Closure is ours to find.
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My husband walked out on me (praise God) 13 months ago and began living “thug life” (his words) taking meth and X pills, going so far as to move my grown daughter in with him and feed her those drugs, has been with a plastered his love for 3 women I know of has suddenly discovered a “daughter” he never mentioned in 14 years of marriage and when faced with the fact I filed for divorce now professes his love for me will be forever and does not want a divorce but left the “ball in my court”! Soap opera’s aren’t this crazy! After all these months he has not initiated contact with me and to my dismay I did contact him, only this last time when he called then sent a text, I was flooded with anxiety my heart pounding out of my chest and totally nauseated! I see this as immense progress in my healing. I have no doubt I am on the road to recovery. Thank you for your site Jennifer.
i wrote my own version, thanks for the idea, just gave it to my hub of 25 years as he came to pick all of his stuff up. affair, devalue, discard. not just me but a brand new grandchild. nicely done, classic narc behavior.
That’s a sociopath all right! (A Narcissist is something else.) Yes, this letter by a young girl who reads this blog, to her sociopath who hijacked her as a “girlfriend”, is so loving and lovely. She captures the pain and yearning for honesty and connection and beauty of our very gorgeous, feeling human hearts. Sending you joy, freedom and peace!
My hub called me up and read it back to me, crying. He even added some more of his own ideas. Later, he left flowers at the front door along with his own apology letter. He said it was the best thing I had ever written. So I really appreciate the idea to write as if I were him. Who knows what will happen, but it was the most real remorse I’ve seen in months.
It’s not REAL! Please don’t fall for it. — The “Closure” letter writing described in this post that a reader of this blog carried out for herself was not meant to be for the purposes of getting them back!! It’s to make our own END. Your letter to him taught him how to behave to get your trust again to use you again. Sociopaths DO NOT LOVE. Sociopaths feel no remorse – there’s no such thing with a sociopath – they mimic real emotions – they do not feel them. Their bodies are incapable of having such feelings. They’re born with a brain that is under-functioning in the amygdala region this is where our emotions fire. They feel none! They only lie, manipulate and destroy.
Hi,
if he read it to you, good for you! Take it as a closure. But please please think that:
1.he should have come up with it himslef, not you feeding him with the idea to apologize…
2. even if he is truly sorry. Think about all the energy, sorrow, pain, tears you had to go through for him to realize that its not good to treat you bad. Do you really want to invest in a relationship that sucks all your energy to ‘teach’ your man the basics of a civil relation?
You cannot and should not waste your life teaching a man to appreciate you.
I wasted 3 years trying it…
thank you Elly!!! : ) xo