Co-Parenting with a "Narcissist", the Sociopath

Co-parenting in even the best of divorce circumstances is a juggling act with some dropped balls. In the ideal co-parenting set-up both parents are amiable and respectful.

No one says anything nasty about the other parent, and exchanges run smoothly and easily in cooperation. Both adults are focused on the well-being of the children whether visitation is court-ordered or voluntary.

coparenting dad kids narcissist sociopath

I’m not 100% sure which utopia this takes place in, but it simply doesn’t exist in the world of co-parenting with a parasitic predator…that beast that too many people are misunderstanding under the flag of “narcissist”.

Surprisingly though, some of these situations can be relatively smooth. You might find yourself in a somewhat pressured and worry-free “co” setup with your “ex” pathological spouse… If so, you are indeed fortunate. This is highly unlikey.

That creature you divorced doesn’t want them. We can maneuver these beasts out of our lives and out of the lives of our kids. There are only a few reasons either male- or female-presenting sociopaths have kids. It is not out of love for them.

The relative smoothness of the operation depends on the nature of the beast. Or more on the circumstances of the beast. There are circumstances in the sociopath’s life tha twill affect wha thtey do relating to the kdis. Such as, whether they have visible new prey on the scene who are aware of the kids or not. The parents of the sociopath – the kids’ grandparents – who are involved. Or the watchful and judging eye of a Judge.

The dynamics in the post-divorce custody arrangements depend upon how much we understand their motivation and desires and the way their simple minds function.

Continue to take in and comprehend this pathological mind. – Understanding this limited and laser-focused mind is key to winning your life back.

Co-Parenting Under Court-Ordered Visitation

Though in some of these situations we perceive that the kids love that other parent, it’s painful to watch children trudge off to see a parent they don’t want to see. Being ordered to send our kids somewhere we don’t think they ought to be is torturous.

Co-parenting under court order can hang heavy…a weight on our lives. The logistic arrangements for visits are one place you can tame or temper things. The goal is to keep these interactions to a stream-lined minimum. The point is to shield you from some of the worst possibilities of these exchanges. To lessen the trauma of it all.

Good News!

The good news is when that other parent is pathological, not only don’t they want to co-parent – they don’t want the kids at all. Are you asking: how is it good news that the kids’ parent doesn’t want to see them at all?! Read here: “Why Do Sociopaths Have Babies?”

Voluntary Visits With the “Ex”

My big thought here is… why? That is to say…why are you voluntarily sending your kids off to your “ex”…? In all sincerity, ask that question of yourself, and answer honestly and clearly.

If this can be avoided, avoid it. The sociopath doesn’t want the kids. The kids don’t need that monster. – Maybe you don’t call them a “monster”…? Then, maybe, they aren’t a sociopath. That would be fantastic! But I’ll say this: if this website resonates with you, you’ve encountered and mated and produced offspring inadvertently with a sociopath.

No kid needs one of these creatures in their lives. No child deserves this. Here’s the rub: the kids might be young enough to think they love this person. It will only be a matter of time until they realize this is not reciprocated.

No Matter What: This is Their Mom or Dad

This is for better or for worse their parent. Never, ever, ever say anything derogatory, negative, or insulting about the kids’ other parent in front of them. Don’t let them overhear it as you talk on the phone. No matter how bad that monster is.

Be prepared: the kids will bring these bad things up later on their own. They will see through them just as you did.

Regarding why you’re divorced, like all kids, they wonder. Feel free to appropriately explain that as grown people the two of you aren’t able to be married because of unresolvable differences, or whatever it is you feel is best, true, and helpful for the kids’ well-being.

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Daily Diary: Co-Parenting with a “Narcissist” (Sociopath)

Co-parenting involves homework. Namely, keeping a diary of the kids’ visits. Get a simple notebook and record the scoop. Note the day, date, and the time that the kids are picked up and dropped off. Who did the dropping off or picking up?

Jot down what your kids are wearing when you send them off to the coparenting location. take a moment to gauge their state of mind and put down what comes to mind, a natural and informal expression of what you see going on with them.

Take a notation of things they say such as, do we have to go? or, I want to stay with you. While these are feelings any child sometimes has, even in ideal coparenting scenarios, this is worthy of being recorded in case this is habitual. You won’t know which things are habitual and how often they’re repeated unless you keep a diary.

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Co-Parenting Takes Organization

You might think this is tiresome… it is. This might feel tedious: it is. Do yourself a favor: do it anyway. If (when) the day comes that this saves you and your kids, you’ll be very glad for these notes. Be diligent… scrawl quickly but so that it’s legible You can type them if you like.

Write – or type – down what they’re wearing, their state of mind, mood, and any physical notes such as an allergic reaction playing up and etc. It will get easier and become second nature.

Do all this with the well-being of your children and yourself in mind… Be careful to be objective. Beware of sentimentalizing or emotionalizing, yet record your genuine observations and thoughts, and feelings. These can be separate notes in the diary, such as the examples below.

Co-Parenting Notes: Noteworthy

You’ll want to note things that come to mind; you might be surprised how good it feels to clarify and recognize what’s on your mind about your kids. This isn’t just some device to catch out the “ex” for bad behavior…This is an excellent parenting tool for you!

Taking parenting notes will allow you to be consciously aware of how much time you spend with your kids, and how it’s spent. Notes keep us on top of things related to their school work and other needs. They’re a way to check in with yourself as well. It’s worth it.

When the kids get back, are they wearing the same clothes you sent them off in?
Are the kids clean?
Are there any new bumps or bruises?
Is any kind of allergic reaction taking place?
Is a backpack or schoolwork left behind?
Are you the one sending diapers to each visit?
Does the co-parenting partner give out any medications as needed?
Do the kids seem excited, happy, bored, sad, or frustrated…?
Ask them if they slept well…had some yummy food, went anywhere fun
Do your kids make comments about the visit? Write those down
Does your “ex” ask you to take care of things for the kids when he has the kids?

You’ll want to note things about the other parent as well:

Does the other parent ask for unusual things…?
- Such as extra clothes even for a one-day visit? This may be significant
Does the other parent make unusual comments that pique your attention?
Do they seem to be lying about something?
Is something feeling odd…? See if you can suss it out
Are they giving indications of drug use or intoxication?
Are there any signals or signs of how the kids are taken care of and by whom?

Co-Parenting Diary Examples

September 4, 2022, Tuesday, 3:00 pm: “Ex” picking kids up from school for an overnight visit. Clothes: I dropped them at school this morning wearing, Ollie: Wrangler jeans, blue tee, black converse. Sofia: new green top with dinosaur patch, dark green denim pants, pink Keds. School Task: Ollie will have homework from his math teacher that needs to be signed for tomorrow. – Did “ex” sign it? Find out tomorrow after school when the kids get here. – Feeling: I miss them when they’re gone. worried about Sofia. Action: Will Sofia be okay in a new classroom? Check with her teacher on Friday.

September 5, 2022, Wednesday, 3:00 pm: I got the kids from school. Spent last night at “ex’s”. Clothes: They were in the same clothes I sent them to school in yesterday, but T missing one sock, the other in his backpack. Looks like a berry or jam stain on Sofia’s green top. School Task: Ollie’s homework for his math teacher was not signed, his teacher sent it home again – I will sign it. Feeling: Frustrated. Like I’m doing double duty child care, of “ex” and the kids. Action: Remember to check in with S’s teacher Friday on how she’s doing. Encourage S. to talk with other kids. Sofia: seems lethargic, has no energy. From? Keep watch. Give her extra hugs and a smoothie. Read with her.

Even On Days When There’s No Trade-Off

September 6, 2022, Thursday, 3:00 pm: Picked kids up from school. Clothes: n/a not a visit day. School Task: Maths teacher thanked me for Ollie’s maths homework. Feeling: glad it’s not a day for visitations. Have a nice dinner planned with the kids. Action: Remember to check in with S’s teacher Friday. Sofia: Fell asleep after school in her room. Ollie: says he wants to play violin! Emails: “Ex” emailed to say he wants to switch next Tuesday out for Wednesday.

You get the idea…

Communicating with the “Ex”

You know how impossible is to have a conversation with one of these loons. Nothing changes in divorce. I recommend creating a new and dedicated email address just for this purpose.

General rules of engagement:

Let them initiate the visits, even pre-scheduled or court-ordered visits
Refrain from reaching out to them to remind them of a visit
If they miss a visit – it’s missed – no make-ups
Write – “talk” only about the logistics of visits in the emails
Give no response to whatever else they might bring up

Co-Parenting with a “Narcissist” – Sociopath – Means Email, Email, Email

Why email? Because it becomes a court admissable legal document of direct evidence from them to you and vice versa with a time date stamp.

If for some reason you feel you can’t use email, use texting. Get a dedicated phone number for this purpose. A small less costly phone with its own number that’s, different than your personal phone number, or a second line on your current device used solely for this purpose.

Alternatively, add a second line to your cell phone, so again it’s a dedicated number for this purpose.

Record Keeping of Co-Parenting Efforts

Save, save, save: save all emails or texts. In order save texts, take screenshots and print them out. This is laborious and there’s going to be a lot of paper and ink used up.

However, downloading them directly from the phone has caused them to lose the formatting of who says what. – It is possible some apps are updated to maintain this formatting. Check this before deciding which is the best way for you to create the proof you need of what was said to whom and when. If using screenshots, be sure to take screenshots of the time, day, and date which displays intermittently within a text string. Print these and save them on a thumb drive.

There are also dedicated apps that courts sometimes require. Either ordered and required by a Judge or laid out in mediation or arbitration.

Time-date stamped texts, emails or the court app become legal documentation usable in court proceedings regarding child custody. So do your handwritten or typed and printed-out daily diary notes. We all know that sociopaths in divorce are a nightmare. Be prepared.

Is There Such a Thing as Co-Parenting?

Co-parenting hardly contains an actual “co” as in co-ordinated, or co-operative in this situation. You’ll find a lot falls to you rather than to them. – Nothing new here, is there…? The beast you divorced is still the same beast… Maybe worse. Write all this down.

Notice, is the kids’ hair – is it combed, or washed? Look and note it in the diary if, for instance, they’re in private schools, their school uniforms put together with the required color or type of shoes to go with them..?

Are you the one making and taking them to doctor’s appointments, teachers’ meetings, dance classes, band practice, or team sports activities? – Write it down. Write down that you did it: and they did not…and when they did.

Be sure to make note of anything the kids say about the visit… such as so-and-so came over, or he dropped at grandma’s house for the night, etc.

Note down if they’ve eaten, bathed are in clean clothes, look exhausted, or are irritable or moody in a way that strikes you.

No Need for the 3rd Degree

If they tell you about something harrowing or unpleasant that the other parent did, rethink the usually automatic impulse to say things like, daddy didn’t mean to ___, or daddy loves you. Did he mean to? Does he love them? Isn’t that for him to tell them?

How about talking with them in terms of how you genuinely feel about what they’re telling you that is in the realm of your direct relationship with them? Such as, I’m so sorry you were hurt.

Here’s the deal: That creature you divorced doesn’t want them. We can maneuver these beasts out of our lives and out of the lives of our kids. There are only a few reasons either male- or female-presenting sociopaths have kids. It is not out of love for them.

“Narcissists” (Sociopaths) Really Don’t Want The Kids

Co-parenting can be brutal, and we know what we think of our “ex”, it’s something else to jump to the reality that the “ex” doesn’t want the kids at all. This asks a lot of our normal human brains which are run by our hearts.

The thing is: you and that other parent want the same thing: you to have the kids. No co-parenting. They want what you want, though not for the same reasons.

This is the hardest bit to realize: a sociopath does not have the ability, capacity, or possibility to feel love, like, or positive concern for anyone outside themselves. That is a simple (okay, not so simple, and absolutely horrific) fact.

The Big Pretend

There are indeed sociopaths (maybe you’re calling them a “narcissist”) who can appear to love their kids. They can have fun with the kids, take them places, and play with the little ones. For a while, here and there. When it’s convenient or makes them look good.

But as the kids get bigger…? Not so much. Because big kids see things. Older kids ask questions. Remember what happened when you asked them questions…?

The Truth Is, It’s All for You

Keeping communications to a dedicated email or text number will spare you. Later, when visitation is a thing of the past, you can abandon this email or phone number…joyfully shedding the last connection to the “ex”!

Noting down the things that occur is going to help you and support your kids’ well-being whether you end up in court over more custody issues or not. The daily diary reveals patterns over time that will reassure you that things are okay – or okay for now – or that something needs to be done to safeguard your kids.

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As a certified coach, upholding industry standards I strive to inform, educate, invite thought and dialogue, to co-plan, co-strategize, advise, consult, refer, recommend, train, teach, guide and coach people in guided recovery and discovery specific to these crimes, and from hell and broken in the aftermath to whole again, and more. You decide what winning is.