Gaslighting: The Truth

These creatures infamously talk up a storm.
It’s a trademark of a narcissist or sociopath.
Contact is their full-time work to ensnare,
entrap, and keep prey locked in place.

Gaslighting. That confusing babble that oozes from their gobs nonstop. This tirade of conflicting and hurtful and ridiculous nonsense, unfortunately, spins us up off our feet and into a frenzy of trying to “talk about it”. We want to talk it out and resolve their concerns. So kind of us; so normal.

Falling Down the Gaslit Rabbit Hole

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We take their words at face value. This is normal. We see the world through normal.

In this case, our natural and inherent desire to talk it out does nothing to help resolve anything. Instead, it turns our world upside down in a quicksand of gibberish and junk talk.

By our nature and socially, we’re taught to believe, trust and respect, and honor what people say.

And what kind of place would this be if we couldn’t or didn’t? Being able to trust people and bond with others is the foundation of our security and our existence as human beings.

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Truth vs. Gaslighting

In this current era of human time, it’s popular to give wide berth to people’s feelings, emotions, and their “truth”. We live in a world – on most of the globe – in which people are encouraged and believed to speak “their truth”.

Couple this with the innate bonding, believing, and connecting that we do as normal humans and we’re bobbing just below the surface, without a paddle – or even a boat – down the river of hell on the words of a gaslighting sociopath.

We assume someone’s words are their truth. And when the person speaking is the person we think we’re in a relationship with, the more deeply we care. This is super! Awesome! Great! …That is if we’re talking to someone who isn’t a pathological liar. Someone who isn’t a pathological user, a parasitic predator.

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The Gaslighting Begins

Gaslighting begins when we ask a question. Such as, where were you all night? Who stays out until 6:00 am?!? Most commonly it meanders further. They might first reply in a kind disinterested monotone with, it’s not 6:00 am, or maybe, I was home. You just didn’t see me, as they peel off their dirty socks.

They do their best to say things that sound normal or possible, or real. As you can see…they can’t. What they say is usually highly ridiculous.

To which we reply – looking again at the clock with the big hand straight up and the little hand on “6”, what do you mean I didn’t see you?! – while in the back of our minds we’re frantically sifting over the possibility that we didn’t see them and they really were really home while we splutter, I was in bed, I woke up, you weren’t here!! I couldn’t sleep all night because you weren’t here!

And if it keeps going, they might eventually get into this old chestnut: If you’d trust me everything would be okay. – They aren’t lying there. When we trust them everything is okay for them.

There can sometimes be another response… Aside from gaslighting, there’s total silence. We call this the silent treatment. You’re likely familiar with this painful torture as well. You can read about why they engage in the silent treatment here.

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They Have Other Things Going On

It’s not uncommon that these predators have several prey at once. In fact, it’s a given. So, there you are, all tightly tucked into their trap, so much so that you think they’re real and ask questions like, where were you?! Well, you’re in place, and they need to tend to the other prey – or maybe you call us all supply. These demons only have a few methods for doing this. Gaslighting is number one once the initial hook is in place.

What’s Gaslighting For…?

Their lies keep the hook into that place. Their lies prolong their presence in our lives. This is precisely what they need. Gaslighting is instinctive to their survival. It’s purposeful. But, what is the actual purpose? What purpose does shifting from one ridiculous lie to another accomplish from their point of view…?

Firstly, gaslighting is all they can do. I call it bait. Think of it like this. They need us to constantly and consistently believe them, or be confused enough or scared enough and under their spell enough to stay hooked. To continue providing, giving the benefit of the doubt and for as long as possible. They need us to not clearly see what they are. Because, if we did, we’d bolt.

Gaslighting is Bait

In order to keep us in this mess, they must do their best to appear normal. This is where the form of gaslighting comes in. They do their best to say things that sound normal or possible, or real. As you can see, they can’t. What they say is usually highly ridiculous.

Every word they utter from love bombing to that, I’m done text and every action – including their silence, can be thought of as bait.

This, however, doesn’t keep their gaslighting remark from being painful or effective. For example, if what they get to in the gaslighting is, Anyway, why would anyone come home to someone so fat and stinky?!, we’re absolutely crushed.

And then, if we haven’t already, what is it that we finally do when they hit us what this remark? We shut up. Finally. We stop asking. Finally. This is all they care about. This is the true meaning of their gaslighting vomit: shut up. – Or more like: SHUT the F-UP.

Gaslighting Is All They Have

For this less than charming reason, when it comes to the sociopath (the narcissist), gaslighting is their most common form of communication. They feel very differently about “truth” than we do. However, this communication is as clear as mud unless you understand this: what they mean is not found in the words that they say.

Your confusion and feelings of personal insult indicate that you’re still being in the trap. That’s all that matters to them. They don’t care how you feel. They care what you do about it.

If you’ve been talking with, interacting with, dating, or living with a sociopath (what many people call a narcissist) no doubt, this vile confusion has come your way. It seems they can say anything! They hop from one statement to another even if those things contradict in the space of a nanosecond.

The reality is, that inside their heads, lies are real, and real is made up. – Real is made up… and they know they lie. “Real” changes with any lie as many times as needed or desired. Lies become real. Lies are what “real” is made of. Real is: made up.

I realize that’s way too much to take in all at once. I didn’t. This is something I fell into through my own solo intuitive recovery and restoring my life in 2014, seeing the twists and turns of their minds while mapping my recovery road. – If you work your way to understanding this, you’ll be 100% user-proof and sociopath-free. I can help with that if you like. And there’s more…

Decode the Words of the Sociopath (Narcissist)

There’s more to the keys to our survival and escape, but for now… A key to untangling this hellish-double-helix-of-twisted-hell of basic everyday gaslighting can begin with the moments that led to the gaslighting. Ask yourself: what went on right before the argument?

Recalling these moments will shine some light on what you’ve been reading here. – Their words aren’t what we take them for. – The words flying out of their mouths are bait used in hopes of tapping emotions from within us that lead us to an action that yields things in their direction.

They’re saying whatever they can think of – at the moment – along with some pat phrases they’ve heard normal people or others use all in hopes that their words make us shut up. Make us stop asking. Keep us from challenging them further. They need us to stay hooked.

Gaslighting is a Red Herring

This distracting bait has been around since the beginning of time… Advertising is filled with it. It’s what’s called a red herring… Ever heard of a red herring…? It’s more than a red dried fish.

red her·ring/ˈˌred ˈheriNG/noun

A dried smoked herring is turned red by the smoke.
A phrase, statement, or clue, that is or is intended to be misleading or distracting.

In other words, gaslighting is meant to throw us off their scent. To distract us. To mislead us. – The words themselves don’t hold their meaning or intention.

Example: I’ve seen FB comments and memes about the sociopath “insulting their intelligence” with the insults and lies of gaslighting. One possible normal and natural reaction, but this is so far from what’s happening.

That anger of that author, however, certainly is the emotion that yields what the sociopath needs. Your confusion and feelings of personal insult indicate that you’re still being in the trap. That’s all that matters to them. They don’t care how you feel. They care what you do about it.

Gaslighting is Their Protection: They Need You to Shut Up

Their gaslighting instinct then pans out to their benefit. And there you are left in the emotional soup. This soup we’re in serves as a benefit for the pathological user.

Once we remove our emotional response… set it aside, put it on hold and really listen and look at what they say and do, we tend to stop biting onto the bait.

As per usual, our normal is turned to their benefit, not due to any particular skill of theirs, but because this is the unavoidable and inevitable harm of the pathological creature colliding with the normal human. You could say that we’re the sociopath’s natural prey.

If these weren’t pathological beasts, this wouldn’t be happening. But because they’re sociopaths, there’s added impact and effect on us. Being gaslit by the sociopath (narc) strikes an internal cord that brings another auto-response from within us normal humans, and that is to reach out. To try more and harder. To give again, to give more, to give in, to apologize to them for asking questions. Detrimental to us, perfect for them.

The Cascade of Gaslighting Continues: Or Not

When they aren’t using their silence, they continue in gaslighting and storytelling. The more we try to hammer out our misunderstandings and what we see as relationship problems, the worse it gets. The frenzy escalates.

This goes on until they get the result they want. It might get very nasty, it might turn violent. This back and forth could go on for hours, weeks even. – Or for mere minutes. – Or not happen at all.

Really. We can make sure this doesn’t happen at all…which benefits us. If we say nothing – ask no questions – gaslighting does not occur. If we don’t state our expectations or challenge their non-participation and weird ways, the more clearly we begin to see them.

So – take this in – the thing they want – which is us to stop asking questions and to stop expecting things – doing this: stopping – this is the thing that will lead to the spell breaking sooner. – They’re too stupid to notice that we don’t ask or challenge them. To them, our silence means we’re well-hooked. But this quiet time gives you time to observe. (And while you’re observing start gathering your ducks).

Our Normal Fits Their Needs

Gaslighting is so painful. It’s crazy-making, and frustrating. And our normal emotional response makes us try harder. It keeps us locked in and reaching out. It makes us want to prove them wrong. We want to prove that we’re a good partners and that we aren’t fat or stinky.

And at the same time, it causes us to doubt ourselves. – – We would not have this same intense and overwhelming reaction to them if they were a normal person!! This is the effect of a sociopath.

Gaslighting is Their Natural Instinct

Gaslighting is not some marvelous technique born of their intelligence. It’s a survival instinct. They’ve discovered since they were tiny beasts of children that repeated efforts eventually hit the right lever that gets the cheese.

The sociopath or narcissist, doesn’t give a hoot about your emotions. They so absolutely have no concern or care over how you “feel”. In general, they find our emotions silly, and most of all annoying… revolting, and disgusting.

Baiting You is Their Survival

Here’s what we can keep in mind. We just aren’t that important to the sociopath (“narcissist” aka psychopath aka “narc” aka “narcopath”). – Your value to them is entirely based on what they gain from you.

You may not at all realize that they gain anything in particular from you. Rest assured, they do. And: they can’t behave in any other way.

Sociopaths Are Enclosed In A World Of Self

Each time the sociopath (“narcissist”) speaks or does something, the point and purpose are to bring something they want to fruition. It’s to cause us to feel something that leads us to believe them, give more, stay put, and shut up.

In this sense, every word they utter from love bombing to that, I’m done text and every action – including their silence, can be thought of as bait.

Our Normal Supports Our Escape

Once we remove our emotional response… set it aside, put it on hold and really listen and look at what they say and do, we tend to stop biting onto the bait. And next thing you know, you’re out the door for good.

First, stop asking them why they forgot your birthday, why they didn’t come home, or where the money went. I think you already know the answers to these things… observe. Get yourself in order. Then leave. And go no contact… All this takes as long as it takes. What matters is that you get there.

No contact will be the only thing that gives you the space and the time to see more deeply what they truly are. No contact offers the opportunity to grieve the loss of who you thought they were and other losses one by one, and to restore your own gorgeous life.

Do You Have Questions? Comments?

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As a certified coach, upholding industry standards I strive to inform, educate, invite thought and dialogue, to co-plan, co-strategize, advise, consult, refer, recommend, train, teach, guide and coach people in guided recovery and discovery specific to these crimes, and from hell and broken in the aftermath to whole again, and more. You decide what winning is.