Holiday hoovering is painful and a lie. The importance of no contact
becomes crystal clear as the temperature drops,
leaves fall and the seasonal decorations and
eggnog lattes come on the scene.
Holiday hoovering is happening! Read all about it: Here we are again in the thick of the holiday season. It arrives in songs about sleighbells in the grocery store, decorations, and television commercials, nowadays sadly, well before the last Halloween ghost has faded away and the last lone foil-wrapped chocolate witch is eaten.
The Holidays Are For Giving
So, naturally, at the first sparkling, jingly commercials, and holiday movies lining up on Netflix, we’re spurred into action. The majority of us grab our pens and tablets and start making lists of what to give to whom and thinking up delicious menus, making plans to give everyone a good time, a perfect Holiday.
Admittedly some of us (myself included) groan at the thought of another Holiday season (is “Holiday” supposed to be capitalized…? I have no idea), and all its expectations, expenses…and just yuckiness. But we pull it together, make it happen, and fall into the spirit in spite of ourselves.
Unfortunately, even the unfeeling, unsentimental sociopath is simultaneously cued by signs of Black Friday and holiday madness. They too jump into holiday gear, not in a rush to give. They aren’t fans of giving, gifting, and caroling, but to get busy hoovering and hunting… To get busy taking.
Holiday Hoovering: The Ammunition of Prime Hunting Season
This is a time of year when the predatory parasite delights in what they see as a free-for-all array of sweets on a tray up for the taking. Their presence in our lives twists our heightened emotional and sentimental state to their use. This happens always. It’s the natural occurrence and the dynamic between a normal human and a sociopathic one.
They aren’t wrong in their observation. It’s true the Holidays bring out our nostalgia. It’s true we make wishes on the knee of a nonexistent icon in a red suit. There we all are, dreaming away, hoping, glittery-eyed, and vulnerable.
The Holidays Are All About Connecting
There’s a focus for us normal humans on renewing connections and expressing affection. A Holiday message means more, has more genuine sentiment, and lets its guard down. There’s a famous British holiday film, Love Actually, the takeaway theme of which is, love is actually all around. This film’s characters say that Christmas is a time to tell people how you really feel… To say, “I love you”.
This time of year is significant to most of the globe. Though not our way of celebrating, potentially more “sociopath” vulnerable is this Holiday in Japan, where Christmas is a romantic Holiday for couples rather than families. A date on Christmas means oodles, simply oodles as a declaration of, I’m serious about you…And I love you.
I ask you to think about the weight of a reach-out, message, or even a coffee date at this time of year. Our emotionalism and beliefs about these Holi-days give heft to the Holiday hoovering. It becomes h.u.g.e. We must remember, it’s also not genuine. Just as in any other time of year the sociopathic declaration of affection or professed excitement to see us – even to see the kids – is fake.
Our heightened emotion and belief that this is a “special” and more sincere time of year gives them a handle to grab and swing us around with. How silly we must seem to them. And how easily we can be plucked while in our holiday blur. They love this.
They want in for more goodies and hope to never give up any prey. The narcissist (okay, these are actually sociopaths) doesn’t give a hoot about your happiness or health or merriment at the holidays – or at any other time. No matter who you are, no matter your “role” or position in their lineup. – This lack of care has nothing to do with you, it has to do with what they are.
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Holiday Hoovering is a Tool To Get and Take More
So, then what is the point of all the holiday hoovering, you ask? Great question, and I’m here to answer it. Why does a sociopath hoover, in particular during the holidays? And while they’re busy hoovering, let’s include the flip side of things: What are they neglecting more than usual during the holidays? These two elements go hand in hand.
First in order to get to the answer, let’s look at what motivates a sociopath (a narcissist if you’re calling them that) in life. In all moments. Surprisingly there is one self-focused concern in their minds – in regard to other people – at all times. No matter who that person is, no matter the sociopath’s, age, height, weight, gender, proclaimed religion, purported economic or professional standing. Here it is:
The Holidays Are For Taking: As Much as Possible
For the sociopath, getting more requires us not being mad at them, not on the verge of calling them out or calling the cops on them. So, this too is an aspect of the hoover. Checking up on our “feelings” or “thoughts” about them, to check their safety, is an aspect of any contact ever. The re-contacting, the hoover, is an act in hopes of making sure the way is clear to get more and take more from us and to be sure we aren’t about to blow up their world.
To be able to do whatever they want to do and take whatever they want to take. That’s it. That is a sociopath’s – any and every sociopath’s – sole focus, purpose, and mission in this world. No matter what the words are coming out of their mouth: This is the purpose for those words. Without a doubt, hoovering is attached to this concern of theirs. They hoover and in particular during the holidays, to see if they still have an open door and if they can get more.
Tis the Season to Ignore Some and Hoover Others
I know many of us have zero issues with Holiday hoovering… Because we’re being ignored, not hoovered. If we’re married to the psychopath or live with them, we’re pretty much tossed aside and stepped over and left sad and confused during the Holidays. If there are kids in the picture it might depend on their age and a few other variables whether they’re ignored or not.
Why…?! Because we’re already hooked. Already firmly in place. We’re old hat. If we live together or are married, we’re in the bag. We don’t need wooing, gifts, or attention to stay there. – This is normal. You’re normal if this happened. – They have other prey to tend to and hook and hunt. This is the season for taking advantage of human sentimentality and the importance of this Holiday time to shore up their harem. This is simply how it is from the sociopath’s (psychopath’s, “narcissist’s”) point of view.
If us marrieds or live-ins get a regifted gift, or one of six bracelets given to us and five others… That’s about as good as it’s going to get. You’re not alone in this boat. This is something all of us could have experienced. These creatures are not givers, they are takers. Take a moment to feel that… And may the spell break today.
Holiday Hoovering Is In Our Hands
How is it the Holiday hoover is in our hands?… Because the whole thing is. That’s what they don’t want us to know. Once we’re out from under them, it’s us that really ends it, they don’t. Hoovering might flair but then ceases when we make it impossible for them to reach us.
When we make it impossible for them to find a pulse – an emotion – an answer from us – we’re sending a message. This isn’t going to make them sad, but mad. They won’t feel ignored, but panicked that the ruse is over, the jig is up.
We can become entirely free of them when we send out silence… That is to say, when we change our phone number, don’t text back, don’t message back, don’t open the door.
Threats Laws and Rules Don’t Cut The Mustard
I know they override any rule, law, order, moral code, or common decency if it’s in the way of something they want. So, there’s that. What I’m suggesting, however, isn’t a rule a law, or an order. It’s an action we take. Or a non-action. That is to say, the non-action of giving a response.
This is for us. If we don’t make it impossible for them to reach us, if we don’t go no contact, we don’t give ourselves a chance to truly recover and restore our lives. We can’t have any kind of periodic casual contact with a sociopath and be okay.
Keep The Door Closed: Even on Christmas Eve
Keep the door closed. – I realize some have young children with these nutters. If things are that the kids are required – or have the desire – to see the nutbag sociopath, viewing them as their mom or dad, then so be it. As long as the kids are older then, ideally, we no longer perform a transfer for visits and therefore have no contact with them.
No kids on the scene? Try not answering the door. If you continue answering the door, they will continue showing up. That’s how it works.
Holiday Hoovering is Their Lifeline: Cut the Cord
What they’re doing when they hoover by any method or means is to discover whether it’s a text or phone call dropping by leaving flowers on our doorstep it all has the same motivation. They’re checking to see if they can get more and checking to make sure that we aren’t a threat to them and that we aren’t going to finally call the cops on them or turn them in for something they’ve done.
This is essential for the sociopathic parasitic predator’s survival. Literally and figuratively. As their lives are made up entirely of lies and shifting “truths”, in a house-of-cards-design blown over at any microscopic shift in the air ask ourselves: If they have no one’s emotions and life to hook in and leech from…do they exist?
They like to monitor that we’re not angry over them. In answering them, when we reply it means to them that we are still viable prey and that we’re available at any time they really want to come back in and use us more.
Holiday Hoovering Ends This Year
Whether you are bombarded by holiday hoovering or kind of – secretly – sometimes, just a little bit, or a lot, kind of hoping you’ll get a holiday hoover… that’s normal. You’re normal. They are not. They do not care. They cannot care.
The more accurately and deeply you understand and accept this, the more healing and restoration can take place in your life. – The more accurately you understand what this abnormality is – and that you aren’t responsible for their inhumanity – the more freedom you can find.
Feeling the Feels?
What’s that you’re saying… You feel like you still love them…? Well. I understand. I do. Here’s the tough love: Get a grip. We decide to end this even if it’s painful and we still feel that tug. Here’s the real deal: It takes as long as it takes.
If you experience a hoovering moment… That’s okay. Use that moment to see them more clearly. To see what they are. The anxiety and uneasiness you feel, the upset: Let that sink in as proof that even casual “harmless” contact with a sociopath is not humanly possible. See more of what you need, what’s good for you… and implement that. Happy hoover-free holidays!
Here’s to REAL True Love and Happiness!
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