When we see through the façade
we reach a moment when we want to
breakaway and end it.
Ending it with a narcissist or a sociopath is a very scary hell of its own. They seem so all-powerful and in control. In truth, sociopaths’ lives are shallow and transparent. They fall apart as we begin to glimpse their empty souls. The scary part is what they do to hang on.
They let us think we’re in a relationship and we feel we are. Therefore, naturally, we do what normal people do: We give it our all. And then as time passes we see that things aren’t adding up.
We’ve had enough promises, sob stories, chaos. Enough lies. When the malarkey outweighs the good we thought was there, we come to a point where we’re ready to toss out the trash.
When We’ve Had Enough of the Lies and Abuse from a Sociopath
Trash is all they are, but because we’re normal people, the thing is, it takes as long as it takes for us to absorb this. As they take what they want, lives are destroyed for their own survival and it not only doesn’t faze them, they take it as a personal accomplishment.
They spend our money. Want sexual things we don’t. Include us. Exclude us. Entrust us. Suspect us. Play sick. Stay out late. Keep us from our family or friends. Don’t work. Are gone a lot.
They pretend to work very hard. Don’t answer our texts. Don’t pick up our calls. Block us from their Facebook. Keep us from our faith. Cry fake tears. Lie even more. And more. Then lie some more.
We begin to not quite believe them… We have doubts. We then rationalize more, because that is normal. And then, more doubts, more nuttiness…. And then. Snap. No more. Nope. The spell breaks. This is when it’s suddenly more terrifying to stay than to leave.
Making your way out? Find the safest, swiftest way back to yourself.
End it With a Sociopath: Sociopaths aka Narcissists Know Every Scam Relationship Will End
If you’re not convinced these are scams rather than relationships, read these words from a self-professed sociopath about how we can get how to get rid of them. They want out too.
They know each scam will end, and if we want them out before they fail and bail – which most people think of as being devalued and discarded – but is not in fact what’s happening at all… We can do this:
“The best thing to do is to make the breakup seem like it was his or her choice. Like with ticks or other parasites, you want to “poison the well” so the sociopath willingly leaves. Become a helpless, emotionless, reactionless burden. Start being useless or contrary, without being openly defiant… Pretend you’re tired, sick, depressed, say you forgot your keys, you forgot to feed the goldfish, be incompetent but make everything seem like an accident. If the sociopath gets mad, say sorry, but don’t fight back. Say “I don’t know what’s come over me.” Have long phone conversations with your mother or other people the sociopath hates. In general, let yourself go completely and be as intolerable to live with as possible without being confrontational. After about three months (give or take), the sociopath will be out of your life. You should be in the clear after your sociopath has been gone three to six months. By that time the sociopath will not need you to satisfy any of her basic needs.”
~ Advice on how to make them leave, from a sociopath
Guidelines to Break Free of the Sociopath Nut Case
Here are guidelines to end it with a sociopath safely and as quickly as can be and with the least fallout. There will be fallout. We will be frightened. It will feel like eons before they go. After they go we’ll go through post-traumatic stress. Doing nothing would be much, much, much, much, much, much, much worse. We can protect ourselves. We can take immediate action. We can end this.
How to Leave a Narcissistic Sociopath
You’re going to become useless. Cut off goods and services. The sociopath will be baffled, taken aback, and pissed….That dinner isn’t on the table so to speak. And leave within weeks. Keep loving. Keep living like a real human. We are awesome. You are awesome.
First Things First:
- Do not tell them we want out, and do not attempt a “break up talk”
- Do not confide in them, confess to them how you’re feeling
- Keep your feelings to yourself
- Don’t confront or question them about anything; be silent or passively agreeable
- Keep generally behaving as you have been
- Be a calm, pleasant, passive blank when they’re in the same room
- Do not allow your thoughts and plans of escaping roll through your mind in their presence
- Pretend to still like them just the same as before
The Next Thing We Can Do is Lie to Them
As unbelievable as it might seem, sociopaths are each and all alike. Identical tactics and the same limited thinking. We can use their weaknesses to get them gone. – You might be thinking of them as a narcissist and reading up on narcissists – that’s okay, but if you’ve been lied to or used for your money, they won’t lift a finger, and they have stopped being physically intimate with you… That’s a sociopath laying up there on your couch.
Keep our plan to ourselves. Protect ourselves and our belongings immediately – secretly. Don’t hesitate. Do this now. Why…? – Because sociopaths steal and destroy at the end. They’re thieves. And liars. Psychopaths like to take things like a dog pissing on a fire hydrant – just to say: I was here. They want last-minute funding, a car, a credit card – and to leave us holding the bag.
They steal or sell identities. Do they all steal? Every time? If they feel like it – yes. They have no conscience. No guilt. No love. They’re criminals. And they’re mean. Better to protect ourselves than be tragically sorry.
Sociopaths Steal: Especially at the End of a “Relationship”
Remove all of the following from your home to a safe location such as a friend’s house, your workplace, or a safe deposit box. Use this checklist:
- Anything we care about for its sentimental or monetary value: The first items that come to mind are the ones. If he knows you treasure them, protect them. They go through our things – our drawers, closets, cupboards, dressers – that secret p! ace – they’ll sniff it out, to find things to take.
- Valuable jewelry in gold, silver, precious stones, watches, etc. Things they can pawn or sell.
- Cameras, laptops, audio gear, guns, anything easy to lift, and take away.
- Photographs of the two of you. Including evidence of his abuse, your marriage, and anything compromising.
- Documents. All of them. Anything legal. Copy his. Make copies of ours and the kids. Then, along with the originals secure them safely out of the house.
You don’t believe they’d steal…? Think again before it’s too late. Protect yourself.
Secure Originals & Copies Where the User Cannot Find Them
- Passports
- Social Security cards and numbers
- Birth Certificates
- Marriage Certificates
- Mortgage papers
- Car registrations
- Auto insurance
- Credit card information and statements and all numbers
- Bank account information
- Stocks, bonds, CDs, and all banking, investment, or monetary records
- Immigration papers
- Change all our passwords, PINS, and logins
- Have extra house or apartment, even car keys made and give them to a trusted friend to hold
- Write down numbers or better yet photocopies or take pictures of:
- The sociopath’s Passport, IDs, driver’s licenses, credit cards
- Bank or credit card statements
- Social Security number
- Receipts or pics or copies of wire money transfers from or to him or her
- If he has a car write down his license plate number, car make and model, take photos of it, take down the VIN number
- Keep photos of his face to ID him in case law enforcement, FBI, DEA or immigration become involved
Community Property in Marriage
If we’re married to them, in eight states within the United States, all of our belongings – belong to them. They can take them and do anything with them if we’re married. Really. They call it community property. — This works both ways, what’s theirs is ours.
There’s another thing called common property. Look up your state. If he or she steals while you’re married chances are nothing is a police matter or considered a crime. – Take care of ourselves.
Take your property. Whether married or not, transfer your personal savings and checking to another account. You can open a new account in a new bank or whatever feels most secure. Sociopaths steal. Consider getting a Post Office Box and redirecting all your mail there.
There’s nothing wrong or lacking in you that made this happen.
Be Safe When Leaving a Sociopath
Here’s what I did: Hands shaking I took his credit cards out of his wallet. – MY credit accounts that I’d made him an “authorized user” on – while he was in the shower. My heart was pounding out of my chest. Then – I lied. I said: The credit cards (three cards altogether) had been canceled by the card companies for going over the limit. –
He’d taken them over the limit – but I made no accusation, I gave no detail, no other explanation – I said it apologetically, but with conviction. I said I did it to protect him – I said if he used them in public they’d be confiscated by the retailer and, with a pathetic fake concern for him I passively whined, I wouldn’t want you to be embarrassed like that.
It absolutely worked: they believe anything you say. Was it scary…? Yes. Terrifying. I was saving my life.
Nothing Stops Them: We End It, We Stop It
Then a few days later I lied again. I said I’d lost my wallet so the checking account debit card had been canceled. I stopped putting my paycheck in our joint bank account – then I closed it. – Guess what? He knew how to reopen it.
I had to have the bank keep an eye out for 24 hours to make sure it stayed closed. I watched him stay in the game no matter what lie I told. The surreal mounts, but now we’re in control. Ride it out. The way will open.
There’s Nothing They Won’t Do or Say
Here’s the thing: sociopaths make all kinds of preposterous claims as they lie their way through life. – Amazingly I found I could say anything and he played along as if it were true, though I was sure he knew it wasn’t.
I’d stumbled on sociopath-magic-rules-of-engagement: any lie is true. It was almost a high to fly so near the fringes and outsmart this being I now called in my head: The Monster. It was pure improvisation – life-saving improvisation on my part… it was normal live-by-the-seat-of-his-pants-all-is-a-lie for him.
Underneath it, we both knew our dynamics were shifting like silently colliding tectonic plates deep within the foundations bringing inescapable unpredictable and life-threatening upheaval that I determined – no matter what – would settle as a forced departure for him – and freedom for me.
Protect Ourselves When a Sociopath Leaves
Passwords and PINS and logins. Change them. All. If we can – block him or her on social media. As in using the actual “block” function on Twitter, Instagram, Linkedin, and all the rest. They won’t be notified, but they’ll also no longer see any of our Facebook, or other social media activity. – We also will not be able to see theirs. It’s called going no contact.
Shut Down the Things the Sociopath is Enjoying
Become absolutely useless to them. If we usually make dinner. Stop. If we normally take out the garbage and make the bed. Don’t. Forget his dry cleaning. Stop doing his laundry or leave it lumpy and half-damp in the laundry basket. Passively, quietly, humbly, meekly, say, “Oh, my gosh. I’m so sorry, hon.” And nothing else. Period You just gave a lifesaving Academy Award-winning performance. Keep it up.
Forget his favorite food. Sleep late, Stop cleaning. Disappear after work without calling him. Leave the car without gas. Forget to pay the internet bill – tell him it’s being shut off. Tell him your savings account is empty. Don’t talk at home. Keep to yourself. Sleep. Go into your room. Leave unexpectedly. Talk to your sister even though they hate it when we do.
Focus on Your Well Being From This Moment On
Do whatever truly lifts you up and leads to breakthroughs. Go back to church if that was your thing pre-nutbag. Or step into meditation, wok out, make art, attend your book club meetings, or whatever faith or strength-giving endeavor they tried to stop you from practicing. When they talk look away, bored. Walk out of the room.
Think about replacing, swapping out the time you spent with them for an activity that you love… Something else. When they ask: Have something else to do at the times you used to spend with them. Add to that, zero cash to hand out. Pay no more of their bills. Simply say: Oh, gosh. Sorry, hon, implying vapid, passive stupidity on your part. Say nothing else. That tiny line will do it all. Delivering that kind of deflecting new reality for your safety and to maneuver them out of your life means you just graduated to “expert in deceiving a sociopath.” Be proud.
Prepare For Safety and a Smooth Exit
Consider carrying a change of clothes and overnight things or having spares at work. Just a precaution. – Again this is without their knowledge. – If the sociopath invading your life is already violent with you – all the more so take this precaution.
Make extra house keys. Give some to a really trusted good friend who had no connection to the sociopath. If you’re leaving the clutches of an actively violent sociopath please check with professional advisers on domestic violence.
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2016_02_13 2023_08_05
How did I not know his “ways”? How did I not know sooner? We are no longer together but I am haunted by how well hidden he kept everything from me while cleaning out all my retirement funds and stealing everything I worked for. The lies, deceit, thievery. He was a compulsive liar. It was a sexless marriage and I couldn’t figure out why. He said he was impotent. Then I get home early one day and there he is full make-up and dressed in women’s clothes. He grabs me by my neck and starts choking me and threatens me that if I ever tell anyone anything about the way he dresses they’ll never find my body. He choked me so hard I almost passed out. These memories are horrible. He’s a sociopath with 3 different people inside, none of which are good. His drug addiction doesn’t help either. How did I not know all these problems and his sexual preferences sooner? Always death threats when I wouldn’t comply. It was never about love, it was a con from the start. Sad we find out too late what they really are, but we can pick up the pieces. I was strong enough to survive the ordeal of many years, and I will be strong enough to move on to a normal life. But again, how did I not see this sooner?
Beware the hoover, it will come …and could be life threatening.
Indeed – the Hoovering will come. And that’s why we go “no Contact” 100% – Forever. AND make ourselves Hoover proof and a “non-threat” to the sociopath. See: “2 Ways to be Safe After Getting Away From a Sociopath” – https://www.truelovescam.com/2-ways-to-be-safe-after-getting-away-from-a-sociopath/
How to End It with a Sociopath – Updated version. https://t.co/XZhjxfHFWz via @truelovescam
” In the words of a sociopath here is how to get them to leave: ” … everything that is listed here is what i did. the problem was that i was going thru grief over the death of my first born. i did not intentionally do these things. At the time, i did not know my husband (now ex) was a sociopath… but everything listed here is exactly what happened. at the time, i did not even know what was going on or what i was doing… i was barely there, moving and working on auto pilot.. emotionally unavailable… i had lost my fight with her passing. .. i have lost my interest in life and my joy and my strength and my drive to get things done. .. .. i lost my keys, my credit card, i forgot to buy groceries and pay bills.. i stayed in my room, on my bed, in the dark a lot… the only people i would talk to were my kids and my parents (and my husband if he was willing but i stopped chasing him down to talk to him or to carry on a conversation)… … and when i did talk to my parents it was very long phone conversations… i felt like i was drowning and nobody understood me except my parents. .. in some ways i let myself go. i quit being me… … ..
in his defense, and if this is true. he lasted a little over a year of that, then from march 2013 to december 2013 he got steady worse. all this time i thought it was him, like he changed with the flip of a switch… sometime after july, i stopped doing his laundry because i felt like he was just using me as a maid… sometime after september, i stopped having sex with him because i felt like he was just using me for a f*ck and once right after some really good sex, i busted him looking at dating sites, you know the one where it shows all the available women in your area in all their best assets hanging out… made me feel very used. very unwanted. very not loved… … … i had quit fighting with him, quit trying to make him understand how he hurt me, quit trying to explain how we had a very good marriage and how much i loved, wanted and needed him. at some time i quit talking to him, quit asking him what was wrong, quit trying to read his mind as to why he was hurt or why he was acting that way… … … i quit arguing with him. if he said i was stupid, i just agreed with him. if he said he was doing everything, i just said ok. if he said the kids were brats, i said nothing, just walked away and kept the kids away from him… … i had no more fight left. my mind was literally in a fog. it was like being held underwater but breathing. when you are underwater, you can see but not clearly. you can hear but not clearly unless it is 2 inches in front of your face… … that is how i was going thru life… by oct, he found some chick who agreed with him, who made him feel better. who understood what he was going thru and who likes to drink as much as he does.. by dec, they were together and hiding what they were doing. i kicked him out on new years day 2014 at 4am when he did not come home, did not answer my texts or calls. he most likely was in her arms and between her legs…. .. i did not find out about her until feb 9, 2014. i filed the divorce papers the very next day…
i blamed myself the whole first year after my divorce in mar 2014. i was so hurt. so broken. it was like a tornado, tsunami, earthquake, volcano and bomb all imploded inside my house… … very interesting view for me to read this. But all that you wrote is almost verbatim of the last days of my marriage… he did not want to wait for me to get better. he lives in the here and now, so everything i did in the past 14.5 years did not mean a single thing to him. I had stopped being of use to him.
so i can verify that this method DOES work with sociopaths. even when you do it unintentionally like i did.
Yes. I’m so sorry for your long sorrow and loss. But – yes – we mean nothing to a sociopath other than being of use to get things they want. They’re incapable of feeling any positive bonding emotions. They have no conscience. So – the good but strange truth is: It isn’t personal. When we become emotionless towards them we are useless to them – Sending you freedom, wisdom and a renewed spirit.
How to End It with a Sociopath https://t.co/kEhiL5egQv via @truelovescam
How to End It with a Sociopath https://t.co/dn5oRV7Fp5
The first clue one year into an almost 8 year tour of hell should have been when his mother gave me a book about sociopaths.
I still need to save for a court process for eviction as this decision was fairly recent and sudden. The behaviors were well hidden until a recent and very serious addiction reared its head. When it did the subtle became very obvious to all. Fortunately, we have no children together and no marriage. He is on the third consecutive disappearing act leaving his two children in the care of family members after school with no warning. He simply decided not to show up after school. Our thought is that he is likely staying with a female who he is likely scamming. Following the second disappearing act last week, I committed the ultimate sin. I went through his text messages while he was passed out. He was entertaining several and all of the interactions I read would make the publishers at hustler magazine blush. The saddest part is I have known and loved his two children for all of this time and leaving him also means being cut off from them.
Amazing. Classic that they disappear. — It seems that one thread pulled – like finding out about the addiction in your case — then everything unravels. == I’m so sorry about the kids. I don’t know if you know this, but sociopaths don’t really want their children. They don’t love them — because they’re unable to love anyone, right..? So the kids too are not loved by them. Think about keeping their birth certificates if you can and realize it’s possible he might leave them with you. Kind of an impossible sounding idea, but I’m surprised he has them at all. – When the kids reach 8 and up sociopaths know the kids see through them – and at all times they only use children to make themselves look good, manipulate someone else or get alimony. He may have kept them to spite their mom, and possibly to get away from paying child support – he may have gone after her in court and lied about her treating them badly to make himself look good and he got custody… It’s all sociopath games.
The kids both have different moms. One is age 10 the other 13. The 13 year old has always been in the care of the grandmother where the 10 year old who stays here is right now. In their case unfortunately both moms are not viable options, even worse neither is their dad. They got the short end of the stick all the way around. I try my best to give them good coping tools and lots of reminders that they are loved.
He crawled in to the couch at 2am. I have and will continue to remain silent. I went through his phone and updated his family. It was more of the same. We are actively brainstorming approaches that will protect the children and yet also hold him accountable. He is not welcome to stay with them and has recently become threatening with me refusing to leave. He has a lawyer so I’ll need one as he said I would have to take him to court to make him leave.
Bottom line – sociopaths do not want their children. They are reluctant (refuse) to leave if they feel they could be persecuted or in trouble for leaving. Meaning – he doesn’t want to have to pay child support (which you will never get anyway.) – He doesn’t want to be seen as the “bad guy”. He wants you to move out so he can stay (They try that for awhile.) — IF there’s away you can ease his fears of being seen as a bad guy or of being arrested, caught or penalized in any way he will go. — They will happily leave kids behind. He will change his mind about court and lawyers if he feels you think everything is your fault. He will also leave once there are no more services at home – ie: no laundry being done, no internet, no food being served. We really need to play their weaknesses and self interest to get them out. — If you do go the lawyer direction be sure you get one who understands sociopaths. — No matter what the outcome you’ll never see a penny of child support.
Thank you! This helped me so much! Two months ago I ended a sick relationship with my Narcissistic “girlfriend”. What a pathological liar.
You’re so welcome!! And CONGRATULATIONS!!!!! Sociopaths are indeed pathological liars and are 100 % narcissistic – everything they do/say is a lie and only to get what they want; It’s fundamentally “bait” to bring them what they need. You’re very courageous to end it! Check out “PTSD After a Sociopath” as well. It takes a while and is a step-by-step progression before we feel normal again. https://www.truelovescam.com/ptsd-after-a-sociopath/