Narcissistic Rage: Inside the Anger

Narcissistic sociopaths rage so that we don’t see
through them and catch them out.
This ironically gives them away.

Narcissistic rage is frightening. And further puzzling and more frightening is that our normal behavior sparks the narcissistic rage. In the beginning, it seems like a dream…beyond a perfect dream, but this soon fades away and spirals into confusion. And lots of anger from them. Why are they so mad…?

It starts with our confusion… When things turn to a bit of a foggy confusion…we do what normal gorgeous humans do. We try to get to the bottom of the confusion, find the problem, and fix it. We do this by talking about it. Nothing makes a sociopath (or a “narcissist”) angrier. Our very normalness enrages them, and then, in turn, the narcissistic rage makes us even more confused.

Normal Is All We Can Be

It’s normal behavior in a relationship of any kind when something goes wrong or someone is hurt to step up to resolve it. In fact, the marker of a happy and emotionally healthy, authentic, and genuine person is thought to be someone who does this.

There’s respect for the other as you talk about it, listen, take responsibility, understand the other’s point of view and things resolve or you can say there is a state of and forgiveness.

This all instills a sense of safety, deepens the bonds of trust, and strengthens a relationship. This deeper bond and deeper understanding in relationships of all kinds are what normal humans cherish and need. We strive for this as best we can. When this is missing from our lives, we suffer.

Narcissistic Rage Isn’t Normal: Connection Is

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The first step in working out kinks in a relationship is defining why some not-so-great or upsetting element is the way it is. Naturally, we look for an explanation, a reason for what’s going on.

Once it’s talked about, things resolve in possibly a compromise, as together you adjust and give the benefit of the doubt to one another. Mutual safety and connection are restored and developed. Both grow as humans. Hearts get bigger.

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Narcissistic Rage and Normal Clash

First looking to ourselves when things go wrong in a relationship is normal, and as we’re met with rejection, anger, and aggression, as normal people up against this narcissistic influence – this inexplicable rage – we go along with their admonishing.

Narcissistic rage sends us back again to question our own actions, our own words, and our intention or motivation. After that, we reach out to them again to bridge the issue. This is fruitless. Yet, when they won’t talk about it, when things don’t change…you want to talk about it more. This is normal.

As the unending roller-coaster-like attempts on our part to make things right continue, the narcissist coughs up a reason for “the problem”. This reason is also implied as an explanation for their anger.

Sadly, this doesn’t make things better but is meant as a finite reason for why “it is what it is” and why things won’t change. We’re face-planted into a wall of narcissistic rage with nowhere else to go.

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Narcissistic Rage Sends Us Into Doubt and Confusion

When we try to talk about it another day or another late night when they finally show up, she or he gets mad. Talking and your ongoing grilling questions are not what they want. They bark. Snapping jaws and popping neck veins include that sneer and a snarl that stops us in our tracks. This anger leads us to drop the subject. Again.

The narcissistic rage of the sociopath (or “narcissist”) boils to the surface with more volcanic velocity each time we try to work things out. What we don’t understand when we’re in it is that this rage is purposeful. The narcissistic rage is not related to the subject matter of the questions you’re asking them. It’s not about the problem you’re trying to talk about. – The only problem they see is that you’re talking at all… Any question, any bit of challenging them to seem normal is more than annoying to them.

The reason for the rage is that you’re putting pressure on them to be what they aren’t and if they can’t seem to be what we expect them to be, then the jig is up! Their rage is an involuntary compulsion out of defense of what’s got infinite importance to them. If we don’t stop, we’ll see more narcissistic rage.

The Narcissistic Sociopath Stops Us

All sociopaths are 100% “narcissistic”. That’s the whole issue. They are submerged and infused and consumed and only exist in a mindset and life-state of pure narcissism.

This rage might be quiet…it might not be expressed in yelling or screaming, or name-calling, it might never get to violence. More often than not it’s a feeling we get from something that simmers up from under their skin. In really intense times, it’s those eyes. Those black eyes.

Their concern is focused only on maintaining the freedom to keep doing what they do. You need a profound clarity in the meaing behind their words in order ot not be swept up in the moment and later for real recovery.

However they express it or we pick up on it, their narcissistic rage backed by this linear, laser-focused mindset is so powerful and foreign to our “normal”, that it stops us in our tracks. It sets off primal warning bells inside our bodies, our hearts, our minds… It’s so much that we have to tone all that down.

We rationalize it for our safety. We acquiesce to them with a smile on our faces; this is not a product of low self-esteem, codependency, or lack of self-love: this is wisdom at the moment.

Our reaction to stop the “conversation”, to “agree”, and to calm the scene down at this strange and often out-of-body type of encounter, is a part of the power of influence a sociopath (what you might be calling a “narcissist”) carries with them. Dropping the subject at their rage or anger is normal on our part – and it’s what they are after.

There’s Nothing Wrong WIth You

Honestly, during these surreal scenes, it’s smart that you stop asking, saying, and trying to have a conversation or “talk about it”. At the moment it’s wise and for your own protection and safety to end the scenario before it’s out of hand.

We do what they want. You might catch that you feel controlled. After the money passes, this is seen as having been manipulated. When people say “coercive control”, this is it. – It’s not a choice. We might not be ordered to do something. Our bodies know, “do this thing”, “say these words,” smile or …die.

What’s enraging them is that we’re expecting things and asking questions. They need you to stop that. Otherwise, these beasts are highly annoyed by our regular human emotions. They don’t care how we feel.

What a Narcissistic Sociopath, a Narcissist (Sociopath) Really Wants

As dazed and frustrated as we are, there’s only one thing they really want in all of this. Not only do they want it: they also need it. At the time, and maybe even three years, ten years after the break-up, many don’t realize what it is that they wanted.

Their narcissistic rage is nothing other than self-defense. Out of their fear. They know they don’t comprehend what’s really going on around them. Their very limited brain disallows understanding our minds, emotions, feelings and what matters or why it matters.

No matter the excuse they gave or blame they threw they only wanted one thing. They want you to stop. To stop asking, expecting, questioning, or challenging them. They want and need us to shut the-f up. This is the point.

Their need and want is that we shut up – because if we don’t stop probing we’re going to see that they aren’t a real human in any recognizable sense. And then, you’ll leave, leaving them without an ATM card, without someone to do their laundry. Most of all, you’re threatening what they feel they’ve earned and what is rightfully theirs: access to you.

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Traumatic for the Pathological User

In this way, they see us as invading marauders trying to take their world apart. If you see that they’re here to use you, things won’t go their way. Your questions only have answers that are far from normal and that you won’t like.

What they really intend towards us isn’t going to keep us there. The answer to where they were for the last three days, isn’t going to keep your bank account open to them.

When you think about it, being angry makes sense from this POV. – The irony is, that the anger they hurl at us, which they hope will be their cover and get them what they want, is what leads us to see exactly what they are.

They Give Themselves Away

As they rage, as the communication patterns are stuck on mean, our trust in them declines. Because deepening bonds and making a deeper relationship are what we need, when this doesn’t happen we begin to step back.

The relationship (we thought) we were in weakens. The narcissist, the sociopath can do nothing about this. Their limited minds don’t let them comprehend this or make a move to repair it beyond another promise they don’t fulfill.

And here it is ladies and gentlemen, while our great goodness is what they need because it’s what inspires us to do good things that benefit them, our great goodness is our saving grace. – And likewise, on the opposite end of things, they are their own undoing.

Narcissistic Rage Isn’t About Us

None of their narcissistic rage is truly about us as real individuals. Their hostile rant is about their own needs. It’s based on themselves and their need for freedom to do as they please.

They have no “narcissistic wound.” – This notion comes from a part of the muddle behind the misconceptions of a “narcissist”. – These pathological parasitic predators do have a need to keep being what they are, they can’t be anything else. Their anger at our questions, our needs, and insistence on couples therapy or talking things over is based on their need for us to not see through them to what they really are.

They only care that we still think we love them, believe them and trust them – or fear them. Whichever keeps us hooked into place… Make no mistake, this is not because they want to love – or indeed can love.

There Is No Relationship: Our Emotional Experience Was Genuine, the Situation Was Not

They aren’t in a relationship, it’s us who thinks we are. What they are is a parasite that needs the host – you – to ideally remain passive, docile, and an unwitting resource, an unknowing “provider”. They need us to stay but to stop trying to solve what we see as relationship issues or as their personal “problems”.

Their concern is only on maintaining the freedom to keep doing what they do. You need a profound clarity in the meaning behind their words, their true and primal-based motivation in all things in order to not be swept up in the moment and later for real recovery. They are not what we are. They are not like us.

Taking this reality in, the truth of what they are, and of what really happened is the process that gets them out of your head, out of your bones so that you fully break free to restore your life.

Keep seeking until the answers feel the room stop spinning.

Courage is the force that makes our lives brilliant. ~ Daisaku Ikeda

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As a certified coach, upholding industry standards I strive to inform, educate, invite thought and dialogue, to co-plan, co-strategize, advise, consult, refer, recommend, train, teach, guide and coach people in guided recovery and discovery specific to these crimes, and from hell and broken in the aftermath to whole again, and more. You decide what winning is.