No Contact: Leaving a Pathological Parasite

No-contact is outside our comfort zone.
It’s a new skill that our
wellbeing depends on.

No contact is extremely unnatural and feels completely weird. Cutting someone off isn’t our “normal”. Normal people don’t just ghost. As normal limbic-brained humans, our biological wiring compels us to connect and care.

There’s a deep internal connection thing that goes on spontaneously between ourselves and others. It isn’t easy for us to drop someone like a hot potato.

We’re Nice People: Not Answering is Rude

Why is this no-contact thing so alien and awkward to us? Because by design, by nature, we’re connectors. And out of this natural quality, we’ve decided and agreed as a society, that as good human beings, it’s important to be nice. It’s an expectation: especially for women. We are meant to be: nice.

As it follows, we chide ourselves if after a social or professional encounter we reflect on our words or actions and come to the self-assessment that: Geez, I wasn’t very nice. Our behavior might follow us around and make us feel guilty for a few days: or longer. – We even find it difficult to say that someone else isn’t nice.

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The acting-out of nice has been assigned as the catch-all saving quality that a fellow human can have.

We dance around things someone has done that are not-so-nice by saying, I mean, she’s nice, but…, or He really treated her like dirt, but he was always nice to me… [Insert collective eye-roll, am I right…?]

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Nice Is Normal: Or Is It a Handicap?

Collectively we value nice. So much so, that we might hold onto that hot potato rather than drop it because that’s nicer, even though our hands are burning. We value nice so much that we give the nice person the benefit of any doubt or evidence to the contrary.

Keep in mind these scenarios describe how we behave under normal conditions with normal humans… How much more harm arises when we side with nice when the nice person on the other side of our proclamation is a sociopath? – And why do hang on more tenaciously while our hands scorch…?

How Can We Go No Contact?

First things first, it’s easier to go no contact when we understand why it’s so hard to go no contact. When we recognize and understand more about why it feels so bad based on being normal, regular limbic-brained humans to cut someone off. The second bit that will help with establishing and maintaining no contact is to know more about how the pathologically narcissistic brain works.

In light of our concern with nice, when we break away and we’re enveloped in fear or terror and most definitely in confusion about them, us, the world.

How do we shut out the sociopath aka the narcissist aka the psychopath, “narc”, or “narcopath” as you might call them? In the face of what we now sense or know is a dangerous connection, how do we turn off the connection thing, put aside nice, and go no contact to protect ourselves from a pathologically narcissistic person?

Hardwired for Connection: The Normal Human Brain

Let’s understand a little more about this marvelous connection thing. The compulsion to reach out, that is to connect, is deep within us hardwired into place so that we notice this natural connection factor less than we notice our breathing or our heartbeat.

An involuntary (survival) function of the normal human brain is to connect and care. And, that is the key survival utility and function of every mammal brain: bunnies, dolphins, elephants, cats, dogs, primates and so on.

Connection is our survival. – For the pathological parasitic predator – the sociopath – connection is not a possibility. So, one of these creatures cannot contribute to our survival, our thriving or our wellbeing.

The pathologically narcissistic naturally believe – due to their brain – that all things and people belong to them.

In other words, we experience connection – it happens – without our doing it. We’re connectors. We just are this. Think of it as being wired by nature in our “settings” to a default position of auto-connect.

Caring and Connection Beyond Borders

This connection thing in our brain is why we care. We care beyond ourselves for others. We care for example, about mass shootings, about societal violence, about the people bombed in Syria or the people who lose their homes in a hurricane in Florida, or the people in Italy when a volcano erupts pouring magma down into their lovely ancient piazzas.

No contact goes against the grain of normal, yet it’s required for our wellbeing when it comes to a pathological narcissist.

Do we know these people personally? Will we ever know them? Likely not. And yet we can cry, lose sleep, share the sad news with friends, make social media posts about it, join a cause, go on marches, make tee-shirts, send emergency rations, funds, clothing, and blankets in support or in aid.

This is because of that connection thing inside us that connects us in caring for all other living beings, especially other humans. As beings who are wired to connect and care, even to complete strangers across the globe, we’re interconnected and interdependent.

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Gut Instinct to Disconnect

We’re wired for connection… And for protection. Socially, it seems the notion of being nice has snubbed out our tuning into the protection signals our gut sends. So, are we stuck like this? Or can we adapt our settings…? We can. Can we become more aware of this auto-connect? Yes. Is it possible to direct connection – at least to some degree – and assign it in ways and in circumstances we determine best?

Yes. We can learn skills and discernment and use our own hearts – and gut instincts – to decide where and when to reach out in connection and when to ease up. We’re not at the mercy of this internal wiring. Not even the most empath-ish of the empaths out there. – Let’s explore this amazing tidbit of possibility.

Limbic Brains Care

With a fully functioning limbic brain in your head, you’re a born connector. You can’t not do it. This doesn’t mean you hug every person you run into or make friends everywhere, but inside… in that internal place we’re all connectors. You may have noticed, animals connect too. Any limbic-brained being is a natural connector.

We Have a Conscience Because We Care and Connect

Then, to further things… this connection thing is why we have a conscience. It’s why we feel bad, guilty, not-nice, and wrong about going no contact. – We can and must put these things aside for the sake of our well-being when that other person is pathologically narcissistic whether you call them a narcissist, a sociopath, a narc, a narcopath, a psychopath, or “your nex”.

The pathologically narcissistic feel that you are their object to do whatever they want to with. They believe that they have every right to make use of you.

Then, as a human with a limbic brain, we also have the added quality and ability to think, to reason, to imagine, to feel, to create logic, take action, and fascinatingly, like no other species on earth, to pray. We’re able to develop systems and social constructs out of this connection impulse, such as teaching and rewarding, and endorsing morals and values of goodness. And to encourage and approve of those who are being nice.

We Develop Rules for Caring

We create concepts to live by, as in the social edict to not hurt someone’s feelings. To be kind. Be polite. And that golden rule, treat others as you wish to be treated. And are you familiar with the platinum rule? Treat others as they wish to be treated…? That’s a thing now.

The reality is, that to care and to connect is an inseparable and innate part of who we are so much so that we continuously develop new paradigms for what connection and care mean and how best to do it. We are not, therefore, at the mercy of this internal wiring but in command of it, again by virtue of what humans are.

So, I think the point is clear: we care. A lot. We can’t not care. We can adjust how and why and when we care.

What Does the Narcissist or Sociopath Think When We Go No Contact?

Now, what about these people who look like us, but aren’t at all the same as us regarding connection and care as it turns out? What’s going on with the pathologically narcissistic? And what do they think about our going no contact? – Such good questions. Here are some answers…

Why do they lose it? What’s happening…? Everything – and I mean everything – that makes the pathologically narcissistic person what they are is their brain. They do have a limbic brain: but: an abnormal one. Unlike ours, the connection thing parts of their limbic brain are turned off. The pathologically narcissistic does not connect or bond… That’s how their brain is wired.

Think of it like this: they have default settings that unlike ours, can not be reset, adjusted, or altered. This is their pathology. And therefore, without caring or concern for others, they do not have a conscience and live instead as predators and parasites.

As a result of their pathology, that is: as a result of the settings in their brains – every time one of us has had enough, seen enough, or the spell has broken and we go no contact they:

Get mad…really, really mad
Inside themselves, they panic and are freaking out in fear
Their settings shift into self-defense mode

No Contact Enrages the Sociopath aka the “Narcissist”

What are they so mad about? They know it’s not a relationship, they don’t love or like us so, what’s the big deal? When we exit and close and lock the door to our lives, it’s seen by them as if we’re taking away something they’ve achieved. Something they’ve worked hard for. Something they’ve invested in.

Now, this is not at all similar to how we achieve things, but in their minds, they’ve worked hard and put in time and effort and in some cases, some of their money (or someone else’s) in order to successfully ensnare you – and they’re proud of this!

They feel that you’re their object to do with as they please. They believe that they have every right to make use of you. And now!? How dare you take that away?! They naturally and sincerely believe that all things and all people are there to do with as they desire if they so desire.

Traumatic for the Pathological Beast

Why do they panic when you go no-contact? For the pathologically narcissistic person, when we leave and go no contact…wow. This is the worst thing that can go on in their lives. It’s incredibly traumatic for them.

When we go no contact it’s as if we’re pulling their world out from under them. Yes, even though they have other prey or what you might call supply, they don’t want to lose a single one of their harem.

The more use they get from any individual prey, the higher value that person has to them. So, the angrier and more threatened they are when we leave and go no contact. Make no mistake though, they feel every fleeing prey as a loss. In their black-heart-of-black-hearts, they want to keep every single person they’ve ensnared since they were three years old. Like toys in a box to take out and fiddle with as they please, forever.

Sociopaths (“Narcissists”) Live in Fear

Next… why is our leaving and going no contact the worst thing that can happen to them? Because once we leave, they’re terrified of us… or more precisely: of what we’ll do about them. – Remember that they know all about all the really horrific things they’ve done. They don’t think what they have done is bad, but they know we think it is.

The pathological aren’t actually very smart. Their tiny predictable brains believe that we will shout it from the mountain tops that they’re demons (they know they are) and this then will ruin their chances of maintaining the rest of their current prey and of hauling in more. They also fear that we’ll turn them into authorities such as police, FBI, CIA, Interpol, and immigration – and any others that apply to the circumstances.

This is what hoovering is all about; they’re monitoring us for two things. They have got to find out how much of a danger we are to them. They’d also love to hook us back all the way in. The intention is to get us back, and or to get us to shut up.

And, please do report these beasts to the appropriate authorities if you feel this is what winning is for you in this nightmare. Just don’t let them know you’re doing this. And be extremely judicious and cautious about making police reports. Sadly, this does not usually turn out in the way we expect and can open a whole can of worms you don’t want. There are several reasons for this. On his that the police, as a system of protection for us just aren’t what we think they are. And another is rooted in what these dark-creatures are themselves… It’s more than disappointing to discover that a protection or restraining order has little effect on the pathological user. They do not heed boundaries of any kind unless they want to.

Scared and Shaking In Their Boots

When we take off and cut the cord by going no contact, we’re then perceived by the pathologically narcissistic as a personal threat. This then leads them to defend themselves. This is what the end-of-days smear campaign is all about. It’s self-defense. It isn’t about us at all. The (wired by nature) intention is to get us to shut up and to make themselves seem credible while we look fruity-coo-puffs-crazy.

No contact is unnatural, yet it’s required for our well-being and for getting away from a pathologically narcissistic person. It’s our only chance to be safe, recover and restore our lives and be able to discover how to be user-proof forever.

BTW: There’s No Need to Announce Going No Contact

While it’s very, very weird for us and feels uncomfortable to cut someone out – to block them, to end all contact, this is key. I know it’s more natural for us to have a “break-up” talk, to express our intentions of ending things and our wishes that they don’t contact us. That’s really nice – if they were like us. They are not.

The pathologically narcissistic does not give a hoot about your wishes, your boundaries or needs, or your desire that they no longer contact you. – In fact, making the effort to tell them any of these things – this is contact. It’s the opposite of what your goal is. And they see it as us still being hooked, still being available, and not at all understanding what they are… In other words, still viable prey, workable prey.

We End It

It’s not worth the hit we take in reaching out to convey anything normal… The pathologically narcissistic do not heed boundaries and have none… They easily step right over your boundaries and needs or desires and take another bite out of you with a revolting smirk of intermingled contempt and pride.

So, in with this in mind, contrary to our normal behavior, do not put yourself at risk or in the path of more connection and more trauma by attempting a conversation about your boundaries or needs. – They have had many, many, many people go no contact. This has meaning to them, your discussion about going no contact is ineffective and means you are in fact, still right there where they want you.

Setting Boundaries: You Only Need One

Let’s say that you do sit down to have that really sweet, healthy conversation, how do you think the pathologically narcissistic perceive it? As gobble-dee-gook. It’s gibberish. It makes no sense, and they don’t give a hoot anyway. But – they do see you sitting there with them and to them: that act in itself means you’re still game as prey. They read this attempt to talk as you still being available to them.

On the flip-side, not only do they understand no contact, they expect it. It has happened and will continue to happen many-many-many-many times in their lives. It’s their normal. The spell breaks, people leave them and go no contact. They know this. We must as well.

Without discussing it first with them, without giving them any hint of your intention, going no contact is the super-power boundary. It is the only boundary you need to develop… you’ve got all the other boundaries a human needs, they simply didn’t care.

Treasures of the Heart: No Contact Can Be Wisdom

Please question the value and meaning of nice and of being nice. Spare yourself being burned by holding onto that hot potato. – Ever heard of the expression, casting pearls before swine…? This is what’s happening when we continue to offer our feelings, our thoughts, our care to a pathologically narcissistic person. – They cannot appreciate us.

Think about being nice as going further, into kindness, a quality that’s visible by another’s and by our own actions rather than an easily mimicked smile or in socially correct mutterings of, nice to meet you. Be kind to those who appreciate and understand kindness… meaning the people with full limbic brains, and to the animals too.

Decide when and where to extend your feelings and your heart. They are yours to give and yours to treasure, and treasures of the heart are the most valuable of all. – Always be kind to yourself. Saying a silent sayonara and closing and locking the door can be the kindest action of all.

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As a certified coach, upholding industry standards I strive to inform, educate, invite thought and dialogue, to co-plan, co-strategize, advise, consult, refer, recommend, train, teach, guide and coach people in guided recovery and discovery specific to these crimes, and from hell and broken in the aftermath to whole again, and more. You decide what winning is.