Post-trauma is rife with too much.
Too much to be dealt with.
Too much to figure out.
Too much to explain. Clear things up for ourselves.
Think of it as weeding the garden.
In the post-trauma and even further along in the post-post-trauma we need things streamlined, cleared up, and cleaned out. Make life as simple as possible.
There’s so much to manage. Things that aren’t truly supporting our life and our restoration are simply and truly too much. Dump ’em like sorting out rusty hinges and broken tricycles and tattered stained curtains. Here are some things we can do to weed our garden.
Make Our Interactions The Ones That Count
Things We Don’t Need… Quite Them In a Heart Beat
- Unsubscribe from email lists
- Turn off your phone
- Turn off notifications
- Filter which conversations you’re a part of
- Breathe, pause, observe, acknowledge
- Be sure to connect in meaningful ways
Unsubscribe
Really. Take the hour it’s going to take to open each of the zillion email subscribe lists you’re on. Only one from each, the most recent that have landed in your inbox will do it. You know the ones… from Target, from that wine-of-the-month club, and real-time news updates. Unsubscribe with abandon. Feel free.
The litmus test for keeping or tossing something on your subscriber list would be to ask, firstly and always: What do I want? What matters to me?
Then these three questions related to the subscription: 1) Do I open it? 2) Is the content useful? 3) Does seeing it in my inbox even if I don’t open it affirm the things I want, or bring me joy?
What Can You Put Aside So What You Want Shines?
Here’s the litany of things I unsubscribed from today: WIRED Magazine, Three email lists related to building online businesses. One on vegan baking, and Marco’s Pizza. A list for Zoom, one for tips for MAC users, GOOP because: sorry Gwyneth, I will not be buying your $275 dry-clean-only T-shirt. I think you’ll be okay without me. HBO and a literary magazine list I was on twice! Whew.
And another for some kind of online classes, one about living in France, and The List, a magazine type blog of lists of too much that matters not enough to me.
Here’s what I based my unsubscribes on: I ditched the emails I don’t open, haven’t used tips from. Ones that seem like too much of something I don’t care enough about, or am unlikely to purchase their offerings. That’s 16 emails that pop in, just gone. Hallelujah!
Even Unplug From Too Much of Things We Like
I also said bye-bye to subscribing to Allbirds even though I own some and love them. I unsubscribed from Grass Roots Coop, which I do order from, however… do I want or use their weekly specials, and holiday updates or whatever…? Nope. When I want them I go to their site and order. So, make that 17 unsubscribes for me today.
Here are a few of the ones that I am absolutely keeping because I use them and/or they make me happy to see in my inbox:
- Amy Lynn Andrews about blogging and online business tips. She’s fabulous, uplifting, and kind and responds personally if I email her!
- Two sites that talk about tiny homes and container homes because I look at, like, and enjoy them.
- My personal Pinterest account notifications (rather than the TLSR business account). Pinterest sends me things that match the things I pin. That’s what internet algorithms do and in this case, I appreciate it.
Pretty great clutter clearing!
Turn Off Your Phone
I know. I knooooow! I know… This is a tough one. If you’re like me, I have my phone with me 24/7. I mean that 100%. It goes with me to the kitchen, the bedroom, and yes, the bathroom. I go nowhere without it. It is always on.
I turned it off a few days ago. Felt my shoulders drop instantly. For reals! And how great this wasn’t out of the old early trauma days of fear about who might be calling!
Even so, I turned it back on after about an hour. That’s as long as I could make it. Then last Sunday… I turned that thing off for five hours straight. Sheer relief.
I fended off the “guilt” feelings that took me by surprise. Who and what am I guilty to or for by turning my phone off? Do I really need to be available 24/7 to the world? No. I do not. Nor do you.
Turn Off Notifications
You know, those annoying flags and banners that ping and zing and buzz and vibrate into your phone or laptop announcing an email? An email that you won’t open, don’t want and the interruption as tiny as it is, is startling and throws you off?
You can go into “settings” on your phone and then into the mail icon and toggle into the option for “no notifications”. This can be done with each app as well. Good gravy! Who needs it?
Decide When We See What
Personally, I’m done with being alerted like its a three-alarm fire that Postmates is offering an urgent time-sensitive coupon code. I feel that’s harassment and panic-inducing marketing. It’s pure coercion to buy something now: Or Else You Lose Out!! – We so do not need this.
Additional tip: set your sounds on your phone to the most pleasant ones offered within your device. Turn off vibrate and sometimes, turn off the sound on your phone so that text you got sits until you happen to see it.
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Filter Which Conversations You’re a Part Of
This filtering – or self-boundary setting – is meant to apply to every kind of conversation. Those on Twitter, FB, Instagram… everywhere online or offline. Just because something is posted and flows into our newsfeed, our phone, our email doesn’t mean we need to read it or to respond.
I’ve gone in and “muted” tweets for accounts I’m worn out from seeing too much of. Twitter and all the social media platforms feed us the tweets and posts for accounts we respond to most.
Social Media Is a Business
Social media outlets want us to see things of interest in our feed because the longer we scroll and stay on, the more money they make. – Yah there is no social media not based on this; social media is a business, not just friendly places for us to say things and see things and is certainly not an attendance-required battleground.
So… if you don’t want to see Negative Nelly’s tirade again even though you feel for her, stop sending her sad face emojis. Better yet maybe click on the three vertical dots on her account page and choose “mute”.
Shut Out The Online Chatter
There are many accounts I block and/or unfollow. When someone comments or follows you, check them out before responding or accepting the follow. If they feel not-good. Undo the “follow” and any kind of interaction or presence from them in your life by blocking them. – Go to their account page. Click those three horizontal or vertical whitish dots off to the right, and select “block”.
Another great boundary trick is to turn off DM or PM-ing functions within our privacy settings in our accounts. Yah. It’s really okay to do this. We don’t have to be part of conversations or connected to people/accounts that feel not-good or don’t enhance our lives.
Breathe, Pause, Observe, Acknowledge
Yah. Just hold it for a sec… as in stop moving and breathe. Draw in a deep breath as you gaze out a window. Make a quiet space. Feel it. Notice the trees, shadows, sunlight. Hear the birds. Let it sink in and feel how good it feels. Even a tiny second of this enhances our life and reduces stress.
Connect In Meaningful Ways To People Who Count
Do an inventory of your friend list. Right now people who invest mutually in the friendship are the ones to cherish. Some of the others might be best left aside or dropped. I know. I knooooow. I get it.
In post-trauma we gradually notice person after person who has been in our lives, but on their own terms. Yah. You know who I mean. So that’s fine. If this is too much (it sure was for me), take it in baby-steps. Begin by easing up on reaching out. After a while it’s evident whether they do any reaching.
Mutual Effort in the Relationship
It’ll be clear eventually when you do speak what the content is. If it’s you doing the heavy lifting or it’s too much about them and rarely your turn, maybe you’re not a good friend-fit.
Sometimes a conversation addressing this is warranted… sometimes not. It can feel like a loss and may take some grieving. We can let them become background or not even on the wallpaper of our lives. It’s our call.
What Do You Want?
Those people who listen, don’t judge, share, and care are the ones we want to hold dear. These relationships are genuinely-genuine and mutual. People who bring joy. People we can freely express ourselves with.
Stay open to discovering the genuine vs. the false or empty. Create the life you want by asking: what do I want? Keep asking. When that answer floats up, trust it even if that answer takes a while.
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