13 Red flags. Sidestep a narcissist,
avoid that sociopathic predator
lovebombing, gaslighting,
liar worming their way into our lives.
The “red flags” to recognize a toxic person, a narcissist, a con man, a sociopath are there. In an encounter with one of these creatures, our guts shout warnings at us, but in ways we haven’t heard before, and through a fog of lovey-dovey hypnosis. The “flags” just aren’t plainly visible or as recognizable as others and even we might think they would be. There are a few reasons for this. Let’s talk about those and then get to the red flags!
13 Red Flags: By Nature, We Trust Others
The first reason it’s so hard to see what people call red flags is that it’s natural to trust and believe people and not at all natural to assume someone’s lying or deceiving us.
Secondly, in the presence of a sociopathic predator (a “narcissist”), without lots of experience with them and a comprehension of how they think, which is counterintuitive and a lot to take in, it’s difficult to recognize them.
A third huge factor in not seeing a red flag is that we’re in an emotionally charged situation with them. When they seem cute to us, that sparky feeling hides the truth behind the words they spew from their disgusting gobs. We’re in what we think is a romantic relationship or the beginning of one. Naturally, we see hearts and fluttering birds, butterflies and flowers, and hope and promise – not deception.
Our Hearts Hear One Thing: Their Words Mean Another
We take their words at face value and see them through our romantic vision. And this is normal… Doing this is human. We aren’t the problem, they are. For our safety, we want to see the deception behind those words.
Seeing beyond their words is where we find the massive red flags. Flags waving so hard and so bright red we nearly trip over our feet as we turn to run. We can see that their words don’t mean what we think they mean. We can sense the meaning of their words based on something we’ve got oodles of and can tune into…Our feelings.
The Narcissistic Sociopath Next Door or In Our Bed
No matter what stage of the entrapment (“relationship”) we’re in, our lifeboat is us! When what we’ve encountered isn’t true love or any kind of love or even love adjacent we can feel the truth! The “narcissist” (the sociopath) is someone misrepresenting themselves. They know they don’t mean the words they say but are using words to hide what they are so that they can use us for things they need.
This kind of deception for personal gain is known as fraud. The truth is, we could call these people we’ve encountered criminals. No matter the level of dream-come-true we feel in one part of ourselves, we can sense that these entanglements are nothing but scams of intentional deception.
Our experiences make for jaw-dropping stories. Better than any movie or Netflix documentary we’ve ever seen. Unfortunately it’s our actual real life. So, how to get out before the hooks really sink in…? How do we back out safely if we’re all in but seeing more…?
The Podcast: Narcissistic Abuse Unwound
Beyond The Words of a “Narcissist”
How can we more certainly avoid someone who approaches us with love bombing, and get out before we get got? If we can step out of the romanticy of the moment…There’s a direct route to detecting a pathological user in our midst. It’s us!
At that first meeting, rather than trying to parse out if they’re genuine or what they might mean, we can turn to ourselves to detect the liar and stop them in their tracks. Instead of ticking their behavior against a checklist of traits for “narcissists”, we can rely on ourselves, trust our guts, and avoid or escape the trap of coercive control.
With an early new encounter… We can feel within ourselves that something is off about them without having to go down the rabbit hole! We can monitor ourselves for signs of falling under the spell of a sociopath (a narcissist).
13 Red Flags: Recognize a Narcissist
If we’re about to fall in love with Mr. or Ms. Completely Wrong, red flags are there but can be easily missed. If we’ve been in love with a sociopath before, these signs will be familiar. These reliable and real red flags aren’t in what they say or do. The signs are there, the flags are waving right inside ourselves.
These thoughts, feelings, ideas, hopes, and fears arise spontaneously when we’re falling under the spell of a patholgoical parasitic predator. They don’t necessarily fall in any order but can occur in rapid fire within days or hours of meeting them.
Even One Sign Means It’s All There
Any one of these signifies that they are sociopathic, a creature of pure narcissism. None of these sensations are a part of normal romance or safe relationships. If you experience even one of these: run. Likely though, the whole nightmarish soup will be sloshing around on your insides.
Here’s what to watch for and trust! If these feelings and thoughts are there, it’s your body warning you that you’re about to fall into or are in a nightmare of narcissistic abuse and coercive control. Meaning this is not love, not even friendship, but someone lying to you in order to use you.
Red Flag Number 1
Someone introduces us, or lock eyes across a room…or an old classmate reaches out to us. And there we are. We’re attracted and drawn to this person more powerfully than ever before to anyone. Within hours or a few days of contact, we’re stirred beyond anything. They don’t leave our minds.
Aside from basically not noticing them at all, or finding them kinda creepy so we stay away, there’s only one other reaction to a pathological predator. This one can lead to ensnarement. It can be that we aren’t really interested in them… But we continue texting or talking with them anyway. In our thinking, we define a logical reason for this. Maybe we think, oh what’s the harm, or geez, well they’re a friend of my friend… so… But really…it’s because we’re already affected by them.
Within a few weeks, we can flip and fall into their paws or we don’t. They know this phenomenon well, which is why they’re pursuing us. They’re banking on the chance that we’re going to flip into their hands. If we don’t they disappear.
Red Flag Number 2
We can’t believe how amazing they are! We can’t believe this Prince Charming or Princess Sexy likes us! Inside we’re shouting: Wow! We gladly agree that if you kiss enough frogs you find not just your prince; a King or Queen has appeared!
The thought is that we didn’t know someone like this could exist…! And we’re surprised that they’re single and found us. And we’re surprised that we’re surprised… and… This kind of hall-of-mirrors thinking and emotions signifies that they’re a pathological predator. They likely aren’t single. And we’re one of dozens they “found”.
Another Red Flag: Number 3
We live for, wait for, and love every text, email, or phone call. If they don’t call or text we crash, and plummet in an extraordinary way that we might tune into as unusual for us. This plunge is more intense and with a darker sinking of the heart than normal. And if we can tune into it and admit it, there’s a tremor of fear of not seeing them again. This is altogether different than if they were a normal person.
Number 4, Red Flags of a “Narcissist”
We feel like we might die without them. Really. Much to our surprise, those very words can flash across our minds and burn inside us. We think we just might be nothing without them. If we hear these looming and consuming ideas rise within us, this sensation startles us.
This is far outside of normal. This is a warning of the danger that they are. – And the tragic truth is the terrifying potential of precisely the opposite.
Red Flag Number 5
We feel that we’re soul mates or that this is meant to be. Notice if you have a thought along the lines of, finally, it’s my turn at happiness and love. Just as this idea rises from our bodies to our minds, and we look at this unbidden notion, wondering about it’s validity… They say it out loud… The thrill is out of this world!
Jealousy: The Green-Eyed Monster: Red Flag Number 6
We’ve barely just met them – or have been in it for a while – and are suddenly blind-sided by a raging, gut-wrenching sense of what we can only name as “jealousy” when they talk about an “ex” in a positive light or someone else they met or spend time with.
Dreamy-McDreamy-McPile-of-Poop-Steamy: Number 7
We describe them to others as the kindest, sweetest, most perfect person in the galaxy… More amazing than anyone we’ve ever met, more amazing than we ever knew a person could be.
We marvel at their accomplishments, at the things we assume as truth about them, and the picture we paint of their lives based on the things they tell us. – It’s normal to fill in between what anyone tells us about themselves and what we conclude about who they are as a person. Once again: we’re normal humans: they are not.
Red Flag Number 8
We have the uncanny and surprising notion that we’re a perfect match; we’re so alike. There’s a “click”, a fit… In ways we hadn’t thought about clicking with someone before… Maybe in ways we never imagined people could click. We might adjust our ideas of what we thought was important as a “fit” between two people in a relationship, and rationalize, gosh, they really are amazing, they know deeper things about what a relationship is than I do.
That is a lie. They have an effect that activates our natural positive trait of giving people the benefit of the doubt and second chances to spontaneously create rationalizations to explain the bizarre and off-tilt way we feel under their influence.
Here, Take My Credit Card: Red Flag Number 9
We want to do things for them, give them things, help them… Notice if you alter your routine and your life to do for them, and to spend time with them. This means turn the other way and run. Run into your own life, not theirs.
All That Glitters Is Not Gold: Red Flag Number 10
We can’t believe how lucky we are, or believe they’re a prayer finally answered… They make every other man or woman we’ve dated seem like a Cracker Jack prize we settled for. We feel over the moon; like we won the lottery. Only better. And also it’s all kinda off-kilter.
Sign of a Narcissist, A Sociopath Hijacking Our Life: Number 11
We quite adamantly think anyone who says or hints that this new person in our lives is not the greatest thing ever: is wrong. Just wrong. We can turn away from friends who might suggest this, and stop telling them what’s going on with us.
Warning Sign Number 12
We feel a strange undertone of unfamiliar uneasiness, reluctance – or we’re embarrassed – to take them to meet family, friends or attend social or work events with us.
Red Flag Number 13: The Thread Through It All
Underneath it all, we feel unhinged. There’s not the same “floor beneath our feet”. A kind of instability and anxiety churn through us.
We’re Ensnared by Our Normal Human Emotions
This is all the effect of the hypnosis and snake-charming power of a sociopath; this isn’t actually love. After winning our trust, they’re ready to slurp us up and take us on a ride in hell along the five stages of true love scam. Genuine love, concern, or care for us has no part in this. This isn’t love; this is an attack.
What is real love? Building a relationship takes two mutually invested humans, and time. As in months and years. Not hours, days and weeks. Real love with a real person is complex and deepens and enriches with time. A “narcissist”, that revolting sociopath is stealing our lives. There is no love.
Trust your gut. Slow things down in the moment take a breath when they say something or when you feel a strong emotion rise up… Listen to all that’s there, all the messages from your body. Trust yourself. In real love there is no confusion, there is no pain.
Have no hesitation in removing or excusing yourself and cutting off your connection to them. Make a realignment in your thoughts to be sure you don’t put any blame or shame on yourself for being human in the face of their utter inhumanity.
Love is a complex matter that is
~ Daisaku Ikeda
a reflection of each person’s attitude
and philosophy toward life.
Here’s to REAL True Love and Happiness!
Time to Thrive!
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UPDATE_ 2024_09_06 2015_06_20 REWRITE & RENAME & REPUB 2024_08_29.