Solo Holidays: Post Apocalyptic Break Up

Solo holidays starkly, sharply illuminate
the post-shit-show
aloneness we’re sitting right in the middle of.
Yes, it’s better now that its over,
but the PTSD and reality of “now” makes for
less than cozy solo holidays if
sorrow takes hold of us.

So, the breakup happened. You’re on your own. This means that solo holidays are here. Looming-ominous since a few weeks ago, now it’s really just right here. The day of Hanukah. Christmas Eve. Christmas, Boxing Day, New Year’s Eve, New Year’s Day… And holy heck before we know it: Valentine’s Day.

Everyone’s walking around smiling and aiming arrows at our hearts and souls with sparkly, effervescent, Happy Holidays!!! If it makes you wanna punch ’em, rest assured you’re not alone in this sentiment.

And if one more clerk at Trader Joe’s says: What are you doing for the Holidays?… I catch myself thinking, to the moon, to the moon, Alice. – Well, I can’t let myself feel so bad over some made-up days mid-winter. Or mid anything. Ever.

Solo Holidays: On Our Own and Sad Or Happy as a Clam

In the best of situations, solo holidays are rough. Many people go through holidays alone even though they’ve never had a scum bag user break up. Lots of people are single, without kids, and spend solo holidays.

I find it radically unacknowledged that loads of people are alone this time of year and silently suffer through it. Usually with a smile plastered on their face so as not to upset the rest of the jolly folk.

There’s a bunch going on here… The aloneness, or the spending time with people you’d kind of rather not. And then there are the gifts… Ugh.

PTSD for the Holidays

Solo holidays drowning in PTSD are not on much of anyone’s talk-about-it list. You can bet I’m going to.

The important and life changing element is this: whatever we choose to do, do it deliberately and with purpose.

And here’s what I’m going to tell you: put your big kid pants on. Get off the couch. Yes, stop that sad-and-feeling-sorry for yourself Bridget Jone’s Diary and The Notebook and Dirty Dancing from showing number 3,459.

This isn’t meant to be harsh. Here’s what it is: you’re the biggest kid on the block, that’s why you have big kid pants. Now put them on. No, naturally I don’t mean you’re the biggest kid in size, I mean you’re a big kid, the biggest of all kids in courage, soul, empathy, love, and amazingness.

You’re Amazing, Awesome and Free: What Would That Look Like if You Acted Like It?

What’s so amazing about you? Uhm, like everything. Remember, not everyone can go through this. Not everyone looks for real answers to resolve this insane phenomenon of predator and prey that has only come to the forefront since about 2014. There are only very amazing people who step into the harsh and horrific reality of untangling this madness so they can be whole and happy and user free.

Lightbulb moments

You Are Awesome

You’re an amazing pioneer of human awareness. At the forefront of a wave in human time that is breaking through the shackles of darkest humanity to turn things to human and humane for reals.

I know it might not feel like we’re amazing or awesome, but do you think every explorer, discoverer, scientist, or even Rosa Parks had a full notion and comprehension of what they were doing?

Do you imagine that when every put upon, courageous change-maker said, I’m tired of this. I won’t do it anymore, and can’t we all just get along, that they knew their bravery in the face of humiliation, confusion, pain, and inhumanity was affecting the whole world?

Solo Holidays Are Make Believe

Here’s another something to consider, here’s a little secret: the Holidays are made up. All of them, whether they’re spent solo or not. All of them, the ones with bunnies, hearts, flowers, candy, and gifts. All of them.

Let those people with Holiday expectations of us that don’t feel good or feel right manage their own disappointment if we decide to take our solo Holiday where we want it to go. This independence only gets easier after this highly charged, made up time of year.

How the Holidays are meant to be spent is made up. Sure, it’s “tradition”, but guess what? Tradition is made up. It’s time to make our own traditions, and they can be anything. No constraints. There’s nothing that can’t be what we do during the Holidays… Including cleaning out our closets.

The important and life-changing element is this: whatever we choose to do, do it deliberately and with purpose. What are some ways you could spend the solo post-apocalyptic break-up Holidays?

Get your favorite foods: tacos or Chinese or curry and samosas or Fritos and dip, a whole pecan pie all to yourself are all allowed
Plan a binge-watch of Terrace House, it’s on Netflix
Clean out the kitchen cupboards and donate things you don’t use
Go on a long walk or a hike
Gather leaves and iron them between two pieces of waxed paper, then hang it in the window
Dust off those ice skates and go sailing around the lake or rink, solo skating still feels like flying
Pick up old magazines from your library’s give-away bin and clip images that reflect your hopes and dreams in a gorgeous self-directed New Year vision board
Clean your place head to toe and then snuggle in with a cozy comforter and a new book, breathe, light a candle, love yourself
Find new musicians, like maybe the insanely talented Jacob Collier; someone you’ve not known of before, not shared with anyone yucky from the past and something that can become your anthem and new joy, your song

Solo Holiday Gifts

Without money for gifts…? Me too. The facts are unless you’re genuinely observing this season as a Christian, and maybe even then, it’s about shopping and going into debt. And eating more sugar than you have the entire year so far. And expectations to spend time with people you don’t maybe really want to spend time with. Or seeing quite starkly that you have no one to spend cozy time with.

Okay, so let’s break this down: sure, some of the sugar is welcome in the annual bacchanal, but gifts put pressure and even shame or embarrassment into the equation. So, how to resolve that little Holiday tidbit?

Breaking Up with Evil: Escaping Coercive Control
by Jennifer Smith

On Amazon, Paperback

Or for your Kindle App or Reader

Gifts with Meaning and Simple Expressions of Love

What are some gift alternatives that don’t hit the pocketbook with a sledgehammer? There are gifts that mean more than dollars or the next big tech premier. There are more important things than things. There’s the heart. And last time I looked around, we could all use a lot more heart up in this joint. What can you think of that’s a gift from the heart?

Go through those very old photos in the closet and wrap some up as gifts
Make peanut brittle for everyone
Bring a bottle of Holiday cheer and call it done
Write out cards with true sentiments of gratitude and love
Mix up and put into a jar all the ingredients for chocolate chip cookies minus the butter and the liquid ingredients, write out the whole recipe and baking instructions and attach it to the jar

Personally, I don’t get in a gift-giving mood or have gift ideas until about one or two days before Christmas Eve. Even now, after writing this for you and sending it out, I’m about to get my gift-making magic on – and it’s 2:30 pm on Christmas Eve… Yeah, so send them off as New Year’s gifts!

Gift Ideas Worth Tons in Treasures of the Heart

Look around, likely there’s a book, a piece of jewelry, a vase – something that has a meaning that can be gifted to someone who shares or can appreciate the meaning and history of this treasured item.

Here’s a gift example: I had a book that belonged to one of my brothers who passed away a few years ago. It had been a Christmas gift when he was six years old, and from all of us as a family. There’s an inscription on the flyleaf written by our mom with her fountain pen – that I can still see in my mind’s eye – and in her perfect penmanship with green ink inscribed the book, given with love from our parents and the rest of us siblings, to Mikey.

I wrapped this 1960s edition of Charlotte’s Web, in Christmas paper from the 99-cent store and loads of curly ribbon for my niece who loved that uncle and will cherish the story and family history that goes with it.

Another gift from the heart example: A zillion years ago I was in a production of Peter Pan. I still have the show tee shirt. It’s a drawing of Peter Pan rendered for the show, has the name of the theater, the date, and all of that printed on it.

This I wrapped in tissue with a pomander I made with a bit of cloth and a ribbon and scented with lavender essential oil that I already had here at home. I’m giving this tee shirt to another niece who loves and only wears vintage clothes, has been in love with Peter Pan since she was two and loves me, and is in the arts. She’s gonna think this is the neatest thing since sliced bread. And what the heck am I doing holding on to it?

Make These Days What You Want Them to Be

We decide what winning is. We get to drive our life in the direction we want it, even if we don’t know yet what direction that is. Rest assured it’s not in the direction other people tell us we must go during the Holidays.

Narcissistic relatives or those who think we need to get over it don’t really need to be catered to, do they? Ask yourself, what would happen if I told aunt Martha I won’t be there? Play out that scenario in your head. When disaster and doom pops up as the answer, let me know. But we’ll both be waiting a long time because it won’t. There can’t be anything worse than what already goes on when we comply, as usual, can there?

And here’s the deal, let them be mad if they’re mad at you for not coming over. Reigning in our worry and attempted management of other’s emotions is the best Holiday gift we could give ourselves. This is actually what setting boundaries is.

Solo Holidays and All Days In Life-Long Habits

Setting boundaries is often expressed as telling others how they should treat us or behave towards us (should, a limiting and toxic word). How well does that work? There’s more to it than that. Pulling back our emotions and concern about others’ emotions when we don’t meet their narcissistic desires is allowed. This is also healthy. It’s normal.

Let those people with Holiday expectations of us that don’t feel good or feel right manage their own disappointment if we decide to take our solo Holiday where we want it to go. This true boundary and self-care, this valid independence only gets easier after this highly charged, and entirely made up time of year.

Think ahead now to New Year’s Eve, to Valentine’s Day, to Easter… Choose your own traditions. Elect to ignore the Holidays if you like, but decide, and be happy in your decision. We decide what winning is. We make our lives, and I promise you, there’s a great big lovely surprise in there.

Here’s to REAL True Love and Happiness!

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As a certified coach, upholding industry standards I strive to inform, educate, invite thought and dialogue, to co-plan, co-strategize, advise, consult, refer, recommend, train, teach, guide and coach people in guided recovery and discovery specific to these crimes, and from hell and broken in the aftermath to whole again, and more. You decide what winning is.