am i a sociopath Archives - true love scam recovery

Our own thoughts during PTSD freak us out.
How can we think we’d want someone dead?
It’s okay, it is fleeting and fine as long as we aren’t doing any killing.

PTSD after a sociopath is a full and whole body and mind experience. We find ourselves thinking and feeling things we’ve never experienced before. Among the mad and sad we can hardly acknowledge, there are seconds we wish they were d-e-a-d.

PTSD is a tangle of flooding, swirling emotions, and thoughts, and this is one of them. I wish they were just dead.

You don’t have to pretend that you don’t have this feeling if you’ve got it, nor feel guilty for it.

It’s our body is good and mad these life-stealing parasites – and rightly so.

The feeling is within a short phase of recovery, it doesn’t come up all day long in the way other thoughts or memories do and the phase doesn’t last too long. It’s normal. Don’t worry, this sickening thought will soon vanish.

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PTSD: It’s Not The New Us

This startling though passing thought, during a certain point in the odyssey of restoring your life which usually hits within in the first months of the recovery from a sociopath con man and the unavoidable PTSD can really freak us out.

This is because we’re normal. So, instead of thinking something is wrong with us for thinking this, rest assured we feel bad for feeling it is reassurance that we’re normal.

This thought comes to almost all our minds and to some of our lips after a sociopath splits the scene and we’re left swirling in a cesspool of lies, deceit, ruin and devastation, shock, and is usually about two months after they’ve gone if we’re moving along, on course in the phases of recovery.

Better Off Dead: Them That Is

We have every right to go through the emotions and the experience of putting our out-of-balance nervous system back together after our life was hijacked by a sociopath con man. Not many people talk about this – you can bet I will.

Images dance through our minds of how: Beaten, chopped up – mostly beaten. We’d kinda like to see them tortured slowly. I even briefly wondered how people hire hitmen.

And instantly knew I’d do no such thing. And if I did I’d be suspect number one: The ex-spouse.

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PTSD Brings Fantasy Relief

At an odd moment, the thought might run past the viewing screen in your mind that we could maybe hire someone to kill them. That thought and doing something about it are lightyears apart.

We know we can’t; first of all, it’s seriously cost-prohibitive. (Yes, dark humor.) And secondly: We know we won’t do any such thing.

It’s a horrifying idea to feel, but die, sociopath, die are indeed terrible words that float up out of someplace in our body.

And a very normal thought in PTSD after a con man sociopath… Even if you’re calling them a narcopath or narcissist who has torn up our life. This feeling is so normal there’s a name for it: battered women’s syndrome.

Makes inr=e rethink the circumstances under which Lorena Bobbit cut of her sleeping husband’s penis with a kitchen knife in 1993. We all know it now: John Bobbit is a sociopath. Nobody knew or talked about that back then.

We have dreams during which someone – or we – kill them. We picture them being strangled or stoned to death. These life-stealing dirtbags have earned nothing less. Not all sociopaths beat their prey.

But emotional abuse does not go by harmlessly. When discovering we were ensnared by a sociopath; the deception, the mind-f**k, the house of cards. This is more than plenty to make us – naturally, instinctively form a very deep place in our lives – to want them dead during the normal-and-to-be-expected PTSD we go through.

Wishing the Narcissistic Sociopath Would Die is Normal: It’s Part of Healing

While it’s true the sociopath has no conscience, the fact is we do have a conscience. And feelings. And we really would not ever come remotely close to killing the bastard or bastardette. As surprised as we are at this thought… allow it. It’s okay. It’s natural. — This feeling passes quite quickly.

These out-of-character flashing thoughts occur during a brief part of the reaction to the trauma at their hands. It’s got a name. It’s called Battered Person Syndrome. Lorena gave her husband’s penis a whack 20 years ago, June 23, 1993.

Lorena faced court charges and trials and public scrutiny and then it was judged that she was under temporary insanity when she chopped off her hubby’s little, sleepy, dangling thingy with a kitchen knife.

The Trauma of The Hijacking Took Over Lorena Bobbit

Can you picture it? — Did she drop the knife and run when her cheating-beating-husband woke from a dead sleep screaming and spurting blood from his little sausage? Or, rather – from where it used to be? – We know she held onto his penis – later it was sewn back on.

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We Feel Kinda Crazy and Kinda Guilty

If we’re smirking and enjoying this scenario does this make us cold and heartless?? No. It means we’re alive, and thank goodness we have a sense of humor.

Temporary insanity… For some of us, on some days, it feels like we might be losing our minds… But, really you’re going to be okay. Let’s open our hearts toward ourselves. Think of how you were genuine, sincere, and doing what normal people do. That’s all good.

What We Believe Makes Our Lives

And John Bobbit came out okay. He even got to star in a couple adult movies; all due to his hacked-off, patched-up penis. Yes, irony. Humor heals.

Be careful what you believe about your experience. Anything telling you it’s your fault is flat-out wrong. If the answers you find make more pain and confusion rather than a shock but a feeling in your gut of truth and resolution: Keep looking. There are real answers.

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Go Beyond Answers or Explanations That Point to Fault in You

Seek out an accurate perspective on what these soul-jackings are. (Yes, that perspective is all over this website.) These are crimes. We were not in relationships and likely, neither was Lorena Bobbit.

Did you see that Bobbit guy’s photo? The face of a sociopath if there ever was one. John Bobbit has a criminal record before Lorena, during, and after Lorena for violence against women.

Know the Real Deal: Be Free

We want to refocus and look at it for what it was, a crime. The sociopath has a simplistic, myopic mind. They only care about two things: 1) getting what they want, and 2) not getting caught.

All the emotional upheaval we go through is the fallout of the way they bulldoze through countless targets’ worlds with their permanent view of life, which is: “I am better than everyone. I deserve whatever I want. I will take it. You will be grateful. You will shut up.”

Sociopaths believe they are fantastic. We know they’re monsters, and that we are not. So, no… No matter the dark surprising thoughts that rise up in a phase of the recovery. We won’t go around killing anyone.

Breaking Up with Evil: Escaping Coercive Control
by Jennifer Smith

On Amazon, Paperback

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We Decide What Winning Is: Restore Our Well Being

We’re going to look toward rebuilding our lives and using the madness to hopefully, ideally create something of value for ourselves and our loved ones. Within Nichiren Buddhism this is called: turning karma into mission. Transform the icky karma of meeting Mr. Poopy-pants into value – Lorena did it.

Lorena started an organization, called Lorena’s Red Wagon, that helps victims of domestic abuse with profoundly simple and equally significant things – like providing birthday cakes for the children of victims who have escaped, but are say, maybe in a shelter. I officially love Lorena Bobbit.

Our actions in challenging our destiny become examples and inspiration for countless others… When we change our karma into mission, we transform our destiny from playing a negative role to a positive one… Therefore those who keep advancing, while regarding everything as part of their mission proceed toward the goal of transforming their destiny. ~ Daisaku Ikeda, Living Buddhism, August 2003

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As a certified coach, upholding industry standards I strive to inform, educate, invite thought and dialogue, to co-plan, co-strategize, advise, consult, refer, recommend, train, teach, guide and coach people in guided recovery and discovery specific to these crimes, and from hell and broken in the aftermath to whole again, and more. You decide what winning is.