Tag Archives: domestic violence

Different Kinds of Abuse in Relationships

Different Kinds of Abuse Can Seem Like Passion

I’m Zoe Parsons from @SelfLOveAfterAbuse and Body Image Ambassador for Be Real U.K.

I found Jennifer Smith and True Love Scam Recovery on Instagram! This led me to Jennifer’s website.

I was living in different kinds of abuse for six years, it started out like any normal relationship until it became clear I’d been tricked by a man who took advantage of me and was a narcissistic abuser namely, a sociopath. Ultimately, sociopaths are pure narcissism and bring only harm.

When I met the man who deceived and used me, I didn’t know about different kinds of abuse or the things we see afterward as red flags. I thought domestic violence, abuse was a black eye. I didn’t know what sociopaths were.

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Know Different Kinds of Abuse and Signs of Being Used and Abused

I didn’t know there are many different kinds of abuse with signs that come first from ourselves, and because he never gave me a black-eye, I thought our relationship was just passionate!

I’ve been free for three years now. My journey to freedom started with educating myself. If you can understand what abuse is and how it happens, it makes it easier to move forward from it and heal.

All Different Kinds of Abuse Make Us Feel Bad About Ourselves

One of the effects of the abuse was thinking badly about my self. For the first time in my life, I started to have a negative body image. After getting away, pressing charges and taking my life back I became a spokesperson for body image as an Ambassador for Be Real Campaign, U.K. So let’s talk about the different kinds of abuse I mentioned earlier.

Emotional Abuse

Emotional abuse is an attack on your emotions and feelings. If your partner makes you feel small, controlled or as if you’re unable to talk about what’s wrong, it’s abusive. it’s abusive. When we’re being stopped from expressing our self, it’s abusive. If we’re changing our actions to accomodate our partner’s behavior, there are different kinds of abuse going on.

Let’s Look at Kinds of Emotional Abuse

Calling you names and putting you down.
Yelling and screaming at you.
Intentionally embarrassing you in public.
Preventing you from seeing or talking with friends and family.
Telling you what to do and wear.
Blaming your actions for their abusive or unhealthy behavior.
Accusing you of cheating and being jealous of your outside relationships.
Threatening to commit suicide to keep you from breaking up with them.
Threatening to harm you, your pet or people you care about.
Saying things that confuse or manipulate you, this is what people call gaslighting.
Making you feel guilty when you don’t consent to sexual activity.
Threatening to expose your secrets.
Threatening to have your children taken away.

Different Kinds of Abuse Allow Us to Break Leases

Want to move to escape abuse? In Illinois you can break an apartment lease legally under the Safe Homes Act, with a letter. First, write to your landlord explaining you’re leaving due to, “credible imminent threat” under the Safe Home Act. Don’t forget, your landlord needs 30-days notice and the keys. You’re free to leave before the 30 days are up. It only takes fear of an abuser to qualify; no police report, no P.O. Be sure to find out about this in your state.

Physical Abuse

Physical abuse is any intentional and unwanted contact. Be aware, this can be objects thrown at you or fists. Sometimes it’s the wall they punch, this is still abuse. Sometimes physically abusive behavior doesn’t cause pain or leave a bruise, but it’s still physical abuse.

Scratching, pinching, punching, biting, strangling or kicking.
Throwing something at you such as a phone, book, shoe or plate.
Pulling your hair.
Shaking, pushing or pulling you.
Grabbing your clothing.
Using a gun, knife, box cutter, bat, or other weapons.
Grabbing your face to make you look at them.
Grabbing you to prevent you from leaving or to force you somewhere.
Scalding or burning you.
Spitting on you.
Forcing you to swallow something that hurts you, or medication you don’t need or drugs.
Damaging your property; throwing objects, punching walls, kicking doors.

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Sexual Abuse

Sexual abuse is any action that pressures or coerces you to do something sexually you don’t want to do. It can involve begging, insults, threats, force, violence, name-calling, blackmail.

Unwanted kissing or touching.
Unwanted rough or violent sexual activity.
Rape or attempted rape. This can happen within a marriage.
Refusing to use condoms or restricting your access to birth control.
Making sexual contact with you if you are very drunk, drugged, unconscious.
Threatening someone into unwanted sexual activity.
Carrying our sexual activity when we haven’t been able to say yes or no.
Pressuring or forcing you to have sex or perform sexual acts.
Pressuring you to let them a video or take photos of sexual activity or poses.
Putting you down for not having threesomes or do other things you don’t want to.
Forcing you into prostitution.
Putting you down for not engaging in sexual things you don’t want to do.
And the flip side: Claiming you want sex too much, making you feel bad for wanting intimacy. Claiming impotence when there is no medical reason for it. Refusing to be intimate or sexual with you.

Financial Abuse

Financial abuse can be very subtle. It can include telling you what you can and can’t buy or requiring you to share control of your bank accounts. At no point does someone have the right to use withholding money to control you.

Giving you an allowance and closely watching what you buy.
Placing your paycheck in their account and denying you access to it.
Keeping you from seeing shared bank accounts or records.
Forbidding you to work or limiting the hours you do.
Preventing you from going to work by taking your car or keys.
Getting you fired by harassing you, your employer or coworkers on the job.
Using your details to obtain bad credit loans without your permission.
Maxing out your credit cards without your permission.
Refusing to give you money, food, rent, medicine or clothing.
Using funds from your joint savings account without your knowledge.
Spending money on themselves but not allowing you to do the same.
Giving you presents or paying for things expecting you to return the favor.

Digital Abuse

Digital abuse is the use of technology to block, bully, harass, or stalk you. Another form is, limiting or setting rules about when you can use your digital devices or contact friends or how you use social media. Remember, in a healthy relationship, all communication is respectful whether in person, online or by phone.

Tells you who you can or can’t be friends with on social media.
Sends you negative, insulting or even threatening emails or online messages.
Uses social media sites to keep constant tabs on you.
Puts you down in their status updates.
Sends you unwanted, explicit pictures and/or demands you send some in return.
Pressures you to send explicit videos or sexts.
Steals or insists on being given your passwords.
Constantly texts you and makes you feel like you can’t be separated from your phone for fear you will be punished.
Frequently looks through your phone, your pictures, texts, and outgoing calls.
Uses technology such as spyware, a GPS tracker or audio bug to monitor you.

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Spiritual Abuse

Spiritual abuse isn’t limited to a certain religion or denomination. Any person is capable of perpetrating spiritual abuse including pastors, ministers or other representatives of a belief system or group. Some claim authority and to be the gateway to spiritual freedom that doesn’t exist without them. Sadly, in abuse, our significant other can take on this role too.

Abuse is anyone ridiculing or insulting your religious or spiritual beliefs.
Prevents you from practicing your religious or spiritual beliefs.
Uses your religious or spiritual beliefs to manipulate or shame you.
Forces the children to be raised in a faith that you have not agreed to.
Uses religious writings or beliefs to minimize or rationalize abusive behaviors, such as physical, financial, emotional or sexual abuse and marital rape.

Abuse is about controlling and using others for their own gain – not love!

Abusers will use various tactics to keep you manageable and in their “possession”. These tactics are what keep you trapped, confused, going around in circles, not knowing what’s happening. The only way to break this cycle is to remove yourself from it, you need to leave or get them removed from your home.

Passion Isn’t Always Love

You might be like me, thinking the relationship is just full of passion rather than full of many kinds of abuse. I thought maybe it was that we were culturally different, that I was doing something wrong and making him unhappy.

These kinds of abuse caused me to change myself to win his approval… You might do what I did: I stopped seeing friends and family because he said they didn’t like him, I wouldn’t wear my favorite dress anymore because he said it made men look at me. He said he did all the things he did that were truly kinds of abuse because he wanted to protect me and keep me safe because he “loved” me.

Happily Ever After Starts with Us

I want you to know that a happy ending is possible, but you won’t find it with an abusive partner or any of the different kinds of abuse in a relationship. I’ve been free three years now, and I’m happier now than ever before. He’s in prison for what he did to me, and I’m making a safe and happy life with my daughter. If I can get free, so can you!

Thank you Zoe Parsons, for sharing your story and your experience and thoughts!

Here’s to REAL True Love and Happiness!

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As a certified coach, upholding industry standards I strive to inform, educate, invite thought and dialogue, to co-plan, co-strategize, advise, consult, refer, recommend, train, teach, guide and coach people in guided recovery and discovery specific to these crimes, and from hell and broken in the aftermath to whole again, and more. You decide what winning is.

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2018_10_10 2023_01_27

There Really Are Monsters

Normal is, as Normal Does: Normal Does as Normal Is

RECOVER FROM NARCISSISTIC ABUSE SOCIOPATH NARCISSIST

As any normal person would, when things first went wrong we defined what was happening through our normal ideas about relationships and our normal human point of view.

We’re normal and normal has its own special “lens” we use to look at the world. We might not think much about that, but it’s true.

We assume people are “good” like we are that all people share, for the most part, a core value system that is inspired by, “do unto others…”

Even if we disagree about big things like gun rights, abortion, immigration, or our favorite color. Even if we’re different in other ways we do feel there’s a shared baseline of “good” and rules we all follow about social behavior.

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Monsters and Normal Collide

For this reason, as we fell down the rabbit hole, we naturally and blamelessly endowed the love of our life – the sociopath with a quality of humanity that unfortunately, does not exist inside their bodies, hearts, minds, or souls. (Even if you’re calling them a narc, narcopath, narcissist, psychopath, or any word.)

Sociopaths know they’re sociopaths. Narcs know they’re sociopaths. Most of the creatures we’re calling narcissists are sociopaths. These monsters know they’re monsters. It’s the rest of us who have a hard time knowing they exist. We don’t need to act as if they don’t and aren’t what they are.

Innocently and with pure-hearted hope, we explained away their odd habits and missteps. We found and still find after they’re gone in many cases, reasons, or explanations for those bizarre reveals-from-behind-the-mask.

As normal humans with fully limbic “feeling-based” brains have room to think, maybe, that’s just the way they are. We might decide to give them space based on an “issue” we’d work on as a couple. We give them more time… That’s normal. Because we assumed that the “monster” was a manageable version of “normal”. That assumption is 100% normal and something we do as regular, normal people who bond and care, and connect.

Breaking Up With Evil

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Five women’s true stories of being ensnared hauled through the confusion, lies, fear, and pain, and breaking away.

Told in their own words, they leave nothing unsaid. Find validation and see new glimpses of the truth as they share their stories… Stories that could be any of ours.

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Monsters Live Off of Our Normal

Antisocial personality disorder is the formal mental health diagnosis for what’s commonly referred to as “sociopathy.” People living with the condition are often labeled “sociopaths.” ~ Hope Gillette, Kendra Kubala, PsyD Psychology

Our natural understanding and compromising give them a hall pass to keep on stomping through our lives. We believed them when they told us about their childhood trauma that left them with PTSD or left them unable to be intimate. We believed their last girlfriend was crazy. This is because we’re good, not because of any special skill or intelligence they have.

When we love, we give. Monsters make use of, and take advantage of our goodness and our lack of really knowing and understanding that monsters exist. This is truly the psychopath’s only real intelligence.

What’s Love Got to Do with It?

When we fall in love involuntary changes go on in our bodies in we fall in that further mask the intentions and lies of the sociopath. Our zinging, swirling chemicals and altered state of excitement in a new relationship buy the sociopath time.

So, monsters, as in all they do, take advantage of what we are as fully limbic-brained humans. We don’t know about the parallel destructive existence shoving our lives in the wrong direction. They use the fact we don’t know the kind of creature that they really truly exist, let alone that it could be sleeping in our bed.

Narcissistic Abuse Unwound

Their Power Is An Illusion: It’s the Effect Of What They Are

Our “not knowing” about these monsters, is the entirety of their power and “currency.” Since there’s a limited supply of “not knowing” on our part, their dominance and influence falter and they topple.

Monster-predators (sociopaths, psychopaths, and what people refer to as a narcissist) expect this shift from the first, “hello“. Sociopath-monsters do try to override it by getting angry or making more promises… this is so they can hang on as long as possible. It all only lasts so long. Because we’re not dumb. Sociopaths are dumb.

Monsters Have a Mean/Nice Switch: Only Two Options

In between these roller-coaster ups and downs, they’re bored and fishing for a new target. – Their full emotional range is solely in reaction to their own perceived success at taking and using, keeping what they take, and going free.

Monsters have been here since the beginning of time. They’re even mentioned in classic American literature. The author and Nobel Prize winner, John Steinbeck contemplates the existence of sociopaths in his stunningly comprehensive and beautiful award-winning novel, East of Eden, published in 1952, and later made into a film starring James Dean.

A female sociopath comes into the lives of two unmarried brothers by chance. East of Eden tells the odyssey of the brothers’ lives and their children’s lives affected by this sociopath, who plays a minor character but drives their fate. Chapter eight begins:

“Just as there are physical monsters, can there not be mental or psychic monsters born? The face and body may be perfect, but if a twisted gene or malformed egg can produce physical monsters, may not the same process produce a malformed soul?”
~ John Steinbeck, East of Eden

Monsters Need Us for Their Survival: We’re Unwitting Hosts to a Parasite

Narcissistic sociopaths need their emotional response or connection to survive or succeed. To put an end to our vulnerability to sociopaths understand how sociopaths think. Assess and judge what they do, based on their true intentions; use the thinking of a sociopath to evaluate what happened rather than our emotional brain and we set ourselves free.

As more and more of us individually and collectively comprehend what these humans without humanity are they will diminish, and their effect will be neutralized. Monsters know they’re different. They know that if we knew what they really were and are really up to, we would not accept them, this is why they hide.

Seeing What They Are Illuminates Our Great Goodness

As we see what they are, by contrast, we see how gorgeous a fully human person is. The human being as intended, not perfect, but filled with innate trust, goodness, and kindness, living a life interconnected and interdependent with one another.

This is surely the only way to give the existence of the monster-humans meaning or purpose and the way to transform our grief, loss, and pain into something good and to find ourselves more deeply appreciating life itself.

A single word can scar another.
A single word can also give comfort and relief or fill one’s spirit with courage.
The care with which we use words
reflects the depth of our humanity. ~ Daisaku Ikeda