how to know if I'm dating a con man Archives

Are we magnets for them?
Do we attract them?
The answer is that they’re predators.
They have to find dinner or die.

Girl looking for love: what con men look for

The question, what do con men look for? is one I’m asked a lot and often, especially at speaking engagements.

Frequently this question comes from young women in their college years or early career days, wanting to avoid dating a monster.

These beautiful young women want a future with a great career, a family and a great man and they have every right to it. It is possible. And In truth, so many of us need the answer to this zillion dollar question.

You can learn to sort the nuts from the normal before their venomous coercive control takes us over. And rest assured, there are many, many amazing young men and women, heterosexual, gay, nonbinary, trans and all combinations of people on the planet to meet, love and marry.

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What Do Con Men Look For?

Knowing what con men look for is critical nowadays. You can consider this burgeoning cultural either a sad thing or a fantastic opportuntiy. This depends on how you look at it gaining a deeper understanding of life on this earth and the human beings who live here.

Our protection is found in our accepting that they exist, and in a deliberately gained ability to recognize them by how we feel around them or because of them and by what they do and say.

Realizing that people of coercive control, predators, pathological liars, and users exist is a good thing sincae, afterall, these cone men do exist.

They’ve been here since the beginning of time, and only those who know how to recognize them are immune or safe from being entrapped. Why they’re here is another question. But, they are.

Con Men Look For Amazing: Amazing and Normal

What do con men look for? It’s important to know what con men look for and how to recognize them. First and foremost they look at anyone and everyone as prey. Secondly, the person they ensnare is the one who “clicks”.

The first one locked-in on any given day is their ideal prey. They need new people constantly and love to hang on to the old ones they’ve got in their harem. I realize this is very general and at the same time, it’s a lot. Let me explain this bit here and then get on to specifics. Let me define some of the words I’m using.

Definitions in the World Of the Con

Prey: Prey can be any person. Anyone who meets the predator and feels an attraction to them is sucked in. Prey embark on what we believe is a relationship with the predator and naturally assume a predator is a normal person too.

Predator: Often thought of solely in terms of preying upon someone sexually, let’s expand our understanding to include more reality. A predator is that pathological person who lives their life living off of others in every way imaginable and mostly in ways we could never imagine.

They use others for sex, money, food, clothing, shelter, to appear like a good or popular or trustworthy person by association, for an address to use, to hide behind, for drugs, as someone to be left holding the bag on rent, car payments, credit card bills and more. They know that they do this and like doing this while trying to hide that they are doing this – because they know normal people don’t agree with it.

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Two Elements of the Con

Coercive Control: This is a term, coercive control used to describe the kind of insidious take-over of the prey by the predator. From a legal standpoint, it’s forcing, coercing someone to do things against their will with threats, insults… Emotional and physical abuse.

From our experimental standpoint, how and when does coercive control set in? How does it come to the point that we do what they say? We’re not dumb, or sheep… So what is it?!

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The Pied Piper is a Sociopath

The person who is preyed upon (us) is under a spell. This point is missed within the legal definition. You could say we’re hypnotized, or injected with some kind of mind-numbing venom that overtakes their normal self and common sense.

If this hasn’t happened to you, this sounds impossible and like a weak excuse for bad choices and just ridiculous. It isn’t. – If this has happened to you, you know this as the sickening, surreal truth.

Lying Due to the Wiring in Their Brain: When Real is Made Up

Pathological Liar: This is a person who due lies due to the way their mind works, literally due to their brain biology. They can’t not li. Sociopaths lie about all things. Lying is a reality to them. Real is made up. They believe their lies and know they’re lying at the same time. Therefore, they believe anyone’s lies. Including ours.

This is key in getting away from them. You can lie to them. They’ll look at you with a weird look, questioning what you’ve said. They do know it’s a lie.

But hold your ground, the next millisecond they shift straight into action based on the lie you told as if the lie is the truth. They can’t help it. Lies are real to them and reality is made up. In other words, everything is lies, and lies are real… This is how every sociopath thinks.

Con Men Look For the Same Thing Con Women Look For

Now for some details… Any pathological predator is looking for someone who is kind, friendly, outgoing, or shy and reserved. A con man looks for people who believe in love, or are skeptical and wary of people.

A con artist (using the term artist very loosely here) wants someone who is resilient, giving, loyal, adventurous, trustworthy and means what they say.

If we’re hooked, within moments and hours of meeting them we begin to change our thinking, and to do things we’d never otherwise do.

Con men look for someone who is true to their word. They like people who have goals and a life going on. They target people who’ve had loss or failure. People who have not met their dreams or just as often, people who have fulfilled many dreams. They like very happy confident people. They just need people. Any and every person will do.

This is just a beginning and I realize this isn’t much in the way of specific detail. And that’s the point. Con men look for normal people with normal dreams, desires, loss, gain, successes, hope, longing and everything else that is normal. And yes, this is pretty much all of us.

Knowing Sets Us Free

I know most people don’t realize this or believe this, but: there’s nothing specific or particular about any one of us that makes us more or less vulnerable to being sucked in by a pathological predator or someone who’s survival is found in their coercive control of others.

Our protection is found in our accepting that they exist and in a deliberately gained ability to recognize them by how we feel around them or because of them and by what they do and say.

How to Avoid a Con Man

The way to avoid a con man monster before any entanglement can begin is first by engaging the willingness to accept that they exist. The next thing to put into action is your gut instincts. Following your true gut instincts is key in spotting and avoiding one of these beasts. The nuances of how we feel when we meet a con man are the most use of all.

If you feel the following things, stop contact with this new person immediately for your safety.

Feeling like you absolutely cannot believe you met someone so amazing.
This person is more amazing than you ever imagined someone could be.
Or, not being especially into them, but over a few weeks, you decide they’re great.
Or, you can’t understand why other people don’t like them, they seem okay.
Wanting to make this work really, really badly and right away.
Putting aside your life to make sure you’re a couple like now.
Letting go of things for yourself to do things for them or for you as a couple.
Overriding your beliefs, limits, or expectations to accommodate or to be with them.

You’ll Be So Excited and Putting Yourself Aside

This might sound ridiculous if you haven’t had one of these encounters with a coercive controlling predator. Especially this last point. We all feel we know what we expect in relationship dynamics. And we’re secure in knowing “who we are”, in our values, and our morals.

Under the Spell, We Do Things Without Being Asked

But: people of coercive control don’t ask people to give up their beliefs or their kids. It happens of our own accord. A predator has an uncanny power of influence.

Something indefinable has us shift our thinking to accommodate them. It’s something that emanates for them like invisible penetrating smoke. This elicits emotions by their very presence. It’s the hook. It happens in seconds. Within moments and hours of meeting them we begin to change…to do things we’d never otherwise do.

What Con Men Look For is Anyone: We Can Spot Them

We can see them for what they are. This is found in our response to them that is over the top and not what a normal attraction feels like.

Even if this is your first relationship, if you feel anxiety underneath the excitement, back off. Let it go. Step away. Either you aren’t ready or this is very much the wrong person.

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When There’s Lots of Bad Buzz

So, please, if you repeatedly hear bad things about this person from other people you know and trust and who care about you, trust what the other people are saying. Always leave lots of space between when you first meet someone, and when and how often you see them.

Keep up with your own goals, studies, social things with your friends. Hold onto your own self and things you love to do. Please, don’t compromise what you believe, such as when to have sex or what kind of sex to have for anyone. Ever.

Signs of a Predator: Identical Every Time

We can learn the signs to recognize them on the spot or within a few hours’ time. Yes! We can. And then: they got nothin’ because their “success” is solely dependent on our lack of awareness. Contrary to popular belief, that’s as smart as they get.

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As a certified coach, upholding industry standards I strive to inform, educate, invite thought and dialogue, to co-plan, co-strategize, advise, consult, refer, recommend, train, teach, guide and coach people in guided recovery and discovery specific to these crimes, and from hell and broken in the aftermath to whole again, and more. You decide what winning is.