Dating someone a little odd..? Surrounded by a foggy state of confusion? This is a sign that you’re dating a sociopath.
By the time we’re wondering if the guy or girl we’re dating is a sociopath, this thought has floated to the surface of our conscious mind because things are bad… right?
This idea rises up to our conscious mind from some space in our gut. In my experience, it isn’t a thought I put together but almost a voice fomr soemwhere else in my body. This occurs because we’re feeling icky and are seeking an answer. A kind of indescribable icky feeling is often the precursor to the unconscious voice of the gut. We’re feeling unhappiness, and an unsettled, sinking feeling and we’ve discovered this uneasiness stems from them.
What is coercive control? How does it happen? Why do we stay? Where does it come from and how do we break free?
Low self-esteem, or lack of self-love does not cause coercive control. After all, if we didn’t love ourselves, or have esteem for our lives, would it all hurt so sickeningly much?
Coercive control is defined as being forced to do something we don’t want to do. As being harmed by someone against our will. Does anyone willingly stand in harm’s way…?
The coercion comes about by definition when someone controls and harms us or forces something upon us when they: make jokes that are insulting, make direct criticism and insults, call us names; by physical harm or endangerment; in financial deprivation or control including creating debt we’re held responsible for.
Coercive Control By Another Name
This is also known as narcissistic abuse. It’s also known as toxic behavior, or dysfunctional behavior. Bottom line…? It’s fraud. The person carrying out the coercion is the doer. – The wrongdoer.
Yet, we so often blame ourselves. And, so do they. They get us to do all kinds of things, put up with so much nastiness, disrespect, lies, affairs, withholding sex or affection, or attention, mounting bills, disappearing funds, and they disappear. Even where they are and what they’re doing becomes a painful aspect of torture in coercive control.
Guided recovery sessions. Everything you’re feeling is normal.
And we stay. Maybe for a long time. And as we’re still there, naturally we do what normal humans do, we first look for the answer to why it’s happening within ourselves. We take responsibility for their behavior; we look to ourselves as the reason they do things that makes us feel bad or harm us.
Normal is Normal
At first, this makes some sense, early on with someone we feel we love and are in a relationship with, naturally, we do what humans do.
We adjust, compromise, try, fix, seek help to fix it, say no, say yes, apologize, try harder, cook better, do more, and want to have long talks with them about it all… And none of this works.
It’s normal to feel down and defeated when we’re controlled coercively, that’s one piece that makes coercive control work.
That’s when we start looking for different solutions; more answers as to why. This is often when we come across more wrong answers or solutions that fix nothing and don’t answer our question: Why is this happening?
In fact, these traditional answers cause more pain. These wrong answers as to the whythis happens are reflected in the concept of us being codependent, the idea of our low self-esteem, in the notion of having no boundaries, and on and on in a litany of nonsense ending with: because we don’t love ourselves other’s treat us badly. Nonsense.
We do love ourselves. Always. If you didn’t love yourself what they do wouldn’t hurt so badly.
I’m not sure how any of these blame-the-person-being-harmed-for-the-rotten-persons-behavior concepts ever made any sense, but they’re largely adopted as the way to look at situations where someone is stuck in coercive control or deceptive fraud.
Is it not possible that we’re influenced and yield to them simply because of what they are? If our hand is in the water, does our hand not get wet?
A human hand or a doggy paw for that matter, when dipped in water gets wet. Is this the case because there’s something wrong with us – or our hand – or the dog? Or is it because water is wet?
Breaking Up With Evil
Breaking Up with Evil: Escaping Coercive Control on Amazon
Five women’s true stories of being ensnared hauled through the confusion, lies, fear, and pain, and breaking away.
Told in their own words, they leave nothing unsaid. Find validation and see new glimpses of the truth as they share their stories… Stories that could be any of ours.
“He tried to convince me he had sex with Dawn because of losing the dog.” ~ Shannon O. Five women’s stories from the promises to hell to escape and healing.
The thrill of engagement; the excitement of meeting Mr. Right, The One, the one like no other is the sociopath effect. There are specific feelings and thoughts that well up. These demonstrate we’ve fallen into the trap of a disingenuous user; in the time of the experience, we call it amazing love.
There are people of inherent coercive control. It’s a quality they possess simply as who and what they are. You could say they’re people of inherent evil. – Just in the same way we’re inherently good and that’s just who and what we are.
How many of us had the opportunity to be cruel to them, or take something back for them but couldn’t do it? – Yah. Because we’re inherently good. It’s who we are.
These spontaneous and overwhelming feelings represent the common marker that we’ve met a person who’s interested in us for their own dark-minded entertainment or their personal gain.
Meeting a Person of Inherent Coercive Control Feels Like This
We feel we’ve met the most amazing person on the planet
We can’t believe it…we can’t believe we found this person
They’re like no one we’ve ever met before to an exceptional degree
We’re surprised they like us, though we don’t say it out loud and this thought surprises us
It’s hard to believe that they’re still single or that someone let them go
We really want this relationship to a point of feeling anxious about it
Some notice fears that the relationship won’t come to be
We do things we’d never otherwise do within hours or days of meeting them such as change our plans, alter our schedule, and make exceptions for them
Coercive Control is Elicited as a Natural Response to Persons of Inherent Coercive Control
We fall into a particular and unusual emotional state; an instantaneous unconscious transformation that is the stuff of coercive control. You could say, being hooked is a state of involuntary coerced agreement. Towards them and things related to them, we become a bouncing ball of, yes!
And they, the hunter in pursuit who’s just bagged us? They are thrilled. Ecstatic. We see it in smiles, a buoyant attitude, wanting to be with us, messaging, and texting lots… It’s their pride in ensnaring someone new which they see as an accomplishment.
We naturally mistake for mutual and genuine excitement that we met. In truth, it’s the thrill of engagement and just the beginning of a long hard Tilt-O-Whirl of crazy.
Coercive Control is Not Because of Us: It’s Really Them
Please embrace how good you are. Know that you do love yourself or you wouldn’t be on this page. Understand that codependency as an explanation for why we were deceived and used is a behemoth of outdated thinking… and results in feeling more beat up.
And further, codependency is a misconception applied to women. How many men are told they’re codependent and this is what caused a sociopath to hijack their life?
We Get Down and Low: Low Self Esteem Doesn’t Make it Happen
Low self-esteem can be an effect of time spent under #coercivecontrol. This is not a character flaw, it isn’t permanent. It’s normal to feel down and defeated when we’re controlled coercively, that’s one piece that makes coercive control work.
But low self-esteem or lack of self-love does not cause coercive control. After all, if we didn’t love ourselves, or have esteem for our lives, would it all hurt so sickeningly much?
We can sidestep and escape coercive control by understanding what it truly is, why it happens, and who’s doing it. Combine that with embracing your own life in all your goodness.
And please, never stop seeking evolution in your answers and explanations for life’s phenomena. Remember, they used to think the earth was flat.
Add these to your contacts so you don’t miss a newsletter! jennifer@truelovescam.com info@truelovescam.com
As a certified coach, upholding industry standards I strive to inform, educate, invite thought and dialogue, to co-plan, co-strategize, advise, consult, refer, recommend, train, teach, guide and coach people in guided recovery and discovery specific to these crimes, and from hell and broken in the aftermath to whole again, and more. You decide what winning is.
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Whether you call them a “narcissist”, sociopath, predator, or plain jerk, they reveal their truly malevolent hearts when they break up with us.
How sociopaths break up with us can be just as confusing as the time spent “with” them. The breakup can be abrupt or long and slow. There’s a period where it can feel almost like they’re coaxing us or almost daring us to break up. A breakup is usually littered with threats, sarcasm, and smirks.
Sociopaths break up in text messages, FB messages, and other times without a word. In some scenrrios, when sociopaths break up is, that they go to the store and never come back. We’re left wondering, “Where did all the love go?”
It can happen in a mundane moment, our phone pings with a text: I’m done. Or we walk in the door and find their things are gone. (Yes, also the dirtbag you’re calling a “narcissist”.)
The break up happens regularly, routinely. What you’re going through dpesn’t phase them and they’ve done this a thousand times before.
And most painfully, the break up comes with name-calling, accusations and preposterous smear campaiging. – Because these aren’t really break-ups. What has happened here is, the sociopath has failed and is bailing. And now they need ot be sure the coast is clear to exit.
What’s Going On When a Sociopath Breaks Up With Us?
Sociopaths break up with us and we’re wondering what about all the promises? The sacrifices? What about the good times and the moments when they held us and laughed with us?!
How could they leave when we had so much in common, we wanted the same things! There was never such love! Everything and every part of us went into this relationship, we never loved so hard.
We gave it our all, we gave, and gave, and gave – just as they hoped we would. And they took. The more we gave the more they took, or the more they took the more we gave. Sociopaths “break up” with us because they’re done. And, When they’re “done”, when they bail, they need of all things, to make sure they’re safe.
If this article makes lightbulbs go off, think about recovery coaching sessions.
We only think it’s a break-up because we think we’re in a relationship. What we’re in is a true love scam with a con artist. Sociopaths, psychopaths – narcissists – use everyone in their lives… And yes, could be also those people you might be referring to as a narcissist.
This may be the first time a sociopath broke up with us but, they’ve done this a million-zillion times. Every predator knows the end of the run will come.
There will be the day we see too much, there will be the moment our bank account is empty, the day will arrive when newer, fresher more plump prey is lined up for the take-and-use.
It’s Critical for Healing That We Take In What Truly Happened
Let’s look at it for what it is: we were a resource not a partner in a relationship. The sociopath invaded our life to support their own.
They used us either as a piece of their public persona of respectability or as a ticket to a nice car, a cool place to live, a place to hide out, for food, laundry services, and the internet.
We’re not responsible for their inhumanity. We’re allowed to be exactly as we are.
Sociopaths, “Narcissists” Know the Fake-lationship Will End
When sociopaths break up with us, they’re not breaking up so much as bailing – because they failed. They’re leaving when we’ve seen too much when we’re pushing too hard with expectations and dragging them to therapists and pushing for answers.
In their minds we’ve become too annoying, we’re seeing too much. Think of it like in their minds, the candy store is going out of business. Or the bank is closing before they can make all the withdrawals they want to make.
What they get in the way of a mask and a halloas…a gateway to whatever they want. These jokers didn’t value us from the beginning aside from our value as an ATM. They’re just done. Plus, they know we’re getting close to catching on to what they really are, so they “break up” with us. Becaseu, they have, in fact, failed and so they must bail.
They prepare for the end, they expect the end. All along the way, they talk trash about us this isn’t something they do only at the end of it all. Along the way, it’s the setup for the end in which they need to look good, and so that we look bad once they bail.
They Tell Others We’re Evil, Crazy, Liars
Oh, they all, and I mean all, talk about us to make us look crazy and themselves look “innocent”; the trash-talking contributes, it’s called the smear campaign at the end, but rest assured it’s happening from day one.
Instead of giving them extra ammunition, to protect ourselves stay silent. This keeps our words from coming back to haunt us. These parasitic nut-bags tend to “re-purpose” our sincere and genuine pain for their gain.
Sociopaths Use Our Confusion to Their Advantage
They show our heartbroken, confused, and even angry text messages around to mutual friends… or post them on Facebook.
You know the messages I mean, these kinds of messages from us: “What are you saying? I don’t understand! What about next Friday, my parents are in town?! I love youuuuu!” – These end up reinterpreted on Facebook in posts to make their emphatic claim, “She’s crazy.” hold weight.
Seek Answers That Stop The Room From Spinning
Some of the people they try to convince we’re “crazy”will be people who hardly know them. These people won’t give what they say about us a second thought.
Most who hear the sociopath who broke up with us yammer on about how bad we were will have no desire to be caught in the strange heat of the whirlwind caused by sociopaths bellowing. You’re going to lose friends. There’s much loss in this madness. Find resolution to every loss.
The Loss of Friends and Family from Our Lives is Real
There will, unfortunately, be those who believe every word they say about us. As painful as this is, remember, these people are wrapped up in and blinded by the sociopath’s charms, remember when we were under his spell?
Sooner than later, those poor souls will have their own recovery to do when he leaves them holding whatever bag of loss he made in their lives.
Healing PTSD After a “Narc” or Sociopath Invasion is Possible
As soon as they go we are thrown into post-trauma because our time with them was traumatic. We’ll begin the suffering ride through post-traumatic stress. PTSD after a sociopath is no joke. – It is real. It is brutal. It is horrific, despairing, and gut-wrenching with a vat of utter aloneness and self-doubt on the side.
You know what? – For all that, PTSD after a monster is no match for us as the amazing, strong, loving women and men that we are. We are Super Heroes. We’re our own Angels. Blossom, expand our lives, embrace ourselves. Overcome the trauma and live fully in our greatness, as stellar human beings with colossal hearts.
Add these to your contacts so you don’t miss a newsletter! jennifer@truelovescam.com info@truelovescam.com
As a certified coach, upholding industry standards I strive to inform, educate, invite thought and dialogue, to co-plan, co-strategize, advise, consult, refer, recommend, train, teach, guide and coach people in guided recovery and discovery specific to these crimes, and from hell and broken in the aftermath to whole again, and more. You decide what winning is.
