is it my fault if my boyfriend lies to me? Archives

Sociopaths don’t mind who they target.
It’s a good day for them as long as
they have several someones in their grip.
Otherwise, they can’t survive.
How do they get us?
Why do we fall for sociopaths and why do we stay?

The sociopath’s uncanny power of influence has roots in the primal, raw place from which they live; they’re parasitic survivalists functioning out of no conscience, no positive human connection, and a deep and abiding, driving fear of being exposed and left with no one believing them. If no one believes them, they have no means to survive.

Sociopaths can’t function in our real world with sustained ability or skill. It might look like they’re really a plumber or an artist… look more closely. That surface of normal ability or accomplishment is a very thin veneer. Underneath it is monster-dirt-bag-lying-parasitic-sociopath. They leech their existence from others; it’s a matter of life and death.

Anamilistic Parasitic Predator by Nature

What is a sociopath and a narcissist? Why do we fall fo rhyme?

Antisocial psychopaths are animalistic in the worst sense. Their “beast” life force pulls on normal humans at a primal bone-marrow level. – If the timing is right – or wrong let’s say – we’re snagged whole in one breath.

The “charm”, diffidence, humility, and “manners” lure us to the sociopath as we value these attributes. The flattery, lending a hand, giving, offering… are nothing more than bait.

In the early days, they can narrow in on us, with a steady gaze and, hang on to our every word. They look deeply into your face, and oddly off to the distance at the same time. Remembering it now I see it as a wild animal hunched in the tall grass scanning the horizon for dinner. Intent, and focused on us, but not in the room for the same reason we are.

The World of the Sociopath is Another Universe from Ours

Sociopaths function from an abnormal brain. In essence, they have the brains of reptiles while we have the brains of puppies. Regions of the sociopath’s brain are under-functioning. To be exact these regions do not function at all. This black-out, blank spot in their minds is where love ought to be. Where caring lives in us. This blacked-out bit of brain matter is the source of their antisocial behavior, thinking, and violence. This is sociopathy…more precisely: psychopathy.

This bit of nonexistent brain can be seen in brain scans. Science is breaking through on this front to the point that the legal system may incorporate limited use of brain imaging scans in court decisions. Every human on the planet is equally a potential target and prey to a sociopath. They’re wired this way… For the sociopath, having a number of simultaneous prey is a matter of life and death.

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Lies are Normal to a Sociopath: They See Lies as Real and Real as Made Up

Sociopaths, that is, antisocial psychopaths, feel the efforts they make for their survival are their right. They truly believe that the inevitable fallout that tears apart the lives of their prey, is something the prey deserve. Normal people are despised by sociopaths, we’re thought of as revolting wimps for having and for living by our emotions.

Lying, the sociopath’s most insidious trait brings disunity and ruin. We wonder if sociopaths “believe” their lies. They do. And they don’t IN their bizarre world real is made up and lies are real. Lying is not a betrayal from their point of view: There is nothing to betray! They are not in a relationship. Plus: they are wired to believe that they can do anything they want to do to anyone and it’s fine. That everything belongs to them.

From their twisted world of destruction lying is normal. Their world is lies. We, on the other hand, believe the sociopath’s lie because embedded within our fundamental wiring is trust.

Pathological Predator, Sociopaths Believe Lies: Even Ours

We can lie to a sociopath and they act from the lie as if it were a truth. In a sense, in their village in hell, there’s no such thing as a lie… we interpret this as the sociopath “believing their own lies.”

There’s more to it than that… Sociopaths know they lie, but they don’t consider it a lie. There’s no discernment or separation between fact and fiction because to a sociopath lies are reality… and reality is made up. Reality changes with each new lie. At any moment. And yet, every lie is true. – That is the circus going on in their heads. They live in an entirely different reality than we do and cannot comprehend ours.

It’s Hard to See What’s Real: We Can and We Will

If we can step up and into wrapping our heads around that and we find deeper freedom from their influence. You can begin to see how impersonal these attacks are. It has nothing to do with us specifically: other than we’re alive and breathing and wholly normal humans.

Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Don’t let anyone tell you this happened because of anything about you. And don’t let yourself do that either. We are not responsible for the sociopath’s inhumanity.

It isn’t that we attract sociopaths. It’s not that we’re co-dependent. We aren’t reeled in because we had bad parents or tough childhoods – even if we did. We get to be who we are.

There’s Nothing About Us that Attracts a Sociopath Aside From Being Normal

They are the antithesis of us. The polar opposite; so far apart it can’t be imagined. . Light years apart. In parallel universes. They live as parasites. Solo, marauding predators. This is the way they are wired.

We’re innately wired to trust, give, unify, make families and groups, build relationships, try, stay, and “fix”. We don’t expect lies. This is how we’re wired by nature…And it’s a gorgeous wiring job!! We get to be who and what we are. By nature we care, connect, trust, bond, bud friendships, relationships, families, communities… This is our natural survival.

Cognitive Dissonance vs. Cognitive Harmony

We’re wired to make sense of anything that doesn’t make sense… “Cognitive dissonance” hits us like a ton of brinks at the odd things they say or do. We must live in cognitive harmony. This is why we “rationalize” or make reasons in our minds for things they say or do.

But – since we don’t have the actual truth of their motivation to balance the dissonance, we use our normal human reasoning and paint in emotional reasons that come from our life palette: we don’t know the reasons that exist in the minds of these pathological creatures. So, we stay off-kilter. This is a part of the trauma.

The Hijacking Into Hell

At its most elemental level, being targeted and hijacked by a sociopath has nothing to do with anything in our lives personally as individuals other than the fact that we’re limbic-brained normal humans. If being human is “wrong, then I don’t want to be “right.”

Every human has fragility…Doubts, fears, and vulnerability as well as strengths and dreams and hopes, and love. You might call it our humanity. This can be tapped by a pathological predatory parasite as if being handed to them on a plate when we believe they’re a normal human being standing in front of us.

Know This: Any person can be scammed by a life-hijacking antisocial psychopath. If we’ve been through it, fully comprehend what happened and fully recovered we have rendered and forged ourselves into limbic brained normal humans who are now sociopath proof. If someone has been through this, but has been misinformed and badly, inaccurately supported out of the hell they are not recovered and they’re susceptible to another sociopath invasion – likely in the very next true love that crosses their path. – Unless you’ve gone through this hell and lived to tell about it – there’s no way to understand it.

Thinking We Found Something Good

There’s nothing “wrong with us” that led to a sociopath invasion other than we’re human and had no idea such monsters existed, or what they look like, what they do, say, want, and need.

We enter into what we believe is real. Real love, or a real business, or the combination of love and business together. We think we’ve found a really special kind of belonging. Getting a fresh start. Embarking on a new adventure. A life. with “the one”, a soulmate, a partner. These are things absolutely every human desires. These desires and expectations are what life is made of.

We’re Normal: Normal is Good, Kind, and Giving and has Emotions

Hooked in and winding down the path of our future with a sociopath we behave as normal humans in a normal relationship or partnership, but – there’s another parallel thread, another reality running underneath and alongside our normal world when we’re paired up with a socio-freak.

The trouble starts; sociopaths come as a bag of chaos. They have things that need to be “fixed”, problems as long as our arms with a co-worker, an old boss, an old roommate, or a neighbor. Someone is wanting money from them that they say they don’t owe. Someone suddenly fired them for no reason. On, and on, and on…

We as normal humans, do our best to manage it – we think we’re tackling it together. It takes time to see that there isn’t much “together” happening and that this person we love (?) isn’t participating in conflict resolution, solutions, progress, or developing what we have, but is… could it be possible… they are the problem…?

Here’s the Thing: A normal human’s “go-to” is to take responsibility and to dive-in to resolving the things that are out of balance, or painful in the relationship we believe is real. – There’s nothing wrong with us. There’s everything right with us.

It’s Normal to Try, to Stay, to Fix: Leaving is What Normal Does Last

This compulsion to hang in there, to “fix,” to work it out is why humans still exist on planet earth. It’s how we create and thrive as families and communities. Imagine if we were to give up on loved ones at the first sign of trouble.

Trauma bonding is normal; it’s human survival mode, wired into our DNA. It’s a mode of survival that occurs when we’re in love with a normal person as well, or when a family member is in crisis. It is human and good.

Imagine if we tossed away our kids if we caught them in a lie about where they were after school or if the dog ate their homework. Imagine if we walked away from our husbands and wives if they lost their job, lost a parent to illness, or became ill themselves. Staying, working on it, and resolving is what humans do.

Side Note: Personally… I wasn’t love-bombed, I wasn’t praised, I wasn’t flattered, there was none of that going on to be so-called “addicted” too. Yet, I met and married him in seven-days time. By day three of knowing him a wave of panic washed over me – I felt I couldn’t live without him. This sensation shocked me to the roof and confused me — as I felt it. So… what is it? Here’s what I think: sociopaths have an uncanny, power of influence related to the primal level they exist from. They have the power, the effect of something wild, and riveting – like a lion we make eye contact with suddenly, unexpectedly on the lions home territory. We’re shocked we’re there. How’d we get in the lion’s back yard? We can’t look away. Something deep inside is grabbed and hooked. Primal. Raw. Sociopaths live from a life-and-death survival place that’s activated in us; we don’t recognize the feeling. We’ve never needed to use this part of ourselves… We need to call it something, that’s normal and human, though we’re stumped. We can’t call it something we don’t know exists, and we don’t recognize it as fear… We decide it’s “love” because love is all we know, we don’t know monsters and this deception adn parasitic madness exists – and certainly, we don’t know how to recognize that happening within us.

Know There is Nothing “Wrong” with Us

When in these circumstances with a sociopath we see strange behavior, we see them take too much and give nothing and we see no changes.

And then when we see enough to see that this is not normal and is nothing we can recognize even within normal-but-not-going-well… we go – or get them out. – There’s nothing wrong with us. It takes as long as it takes.

Do not allow anyone to take this gorgeous, human innate trait and twist it to blame us for these hijackings. Know the significance of this kind of remark: “Why did you stay?” And, “You must be co-dependent and have low self-esteem.” And, “How did you let that happen?!”

There Are People Who Just Won’t Understand

People with this response to our ride in hell are filled with misconceptions of humans and human behavior that have been the paradigm of psychotherapy, counseling, and our culture for years now.

They’re out of step, flat-out wrong, and incorrect in general in regard to any relationship counseling. And 100% inaccurate and harmful and the cause of more trauma in the aftermath of a life-jacking sociopath.

Wrap Ourselves in Compassion

Put the benefit of the doubt towards ourselves. Embrace our lives. Enfold ourselves in compassion. Appreciate the gorgeous loving, trusting qualities pulsing in our DNA. Value our humanity.

Increase and deepen our interconnectedness and interdependence as living beings sharing this planet. Let this newfound knowledge of the possibility in life for both evil and great good inspire us to seek how to manifest and expand our own true and pure good. We are awesome.

Courage is the force that makes our lives brilliant. ~ Daisaku Ikeda

A tune from my sweet friend, Ada Pasternak, “Hope” – on Sound Cloud

I’ve been down and out. Filled with doubt.
Had this little heart of mine kicked around.
On the sunniest day the sky can seem gray.
All of these battles they’ve made me fierce.
Crying doesn’t make me weak;
it’s my soul just trying to speak.

… believe that tomorrow will hold a silver lining to all of the sorrow.

~ Hope, Ada Pasternak

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As a certified coach, upholding industry standards I strive to inform, educate, invite thought and dialogue, to co-plan, co-strategize, advise, consult, refer, recommend, train, teach, guide and coach people in guided recovery and discovery specific to these crimes, and from hell and broken in the aftermath to whole again, and more. You decide what winning is.