13 Red flags. Sidestep a narcissist, avoid that sociopathic predator lovebombing, gaslighting, liar worming their way into our lives.
The “red flags” to recognize a toxic person, a narcissist, a con man, a sociopath are there. In an encounter with one of these creatures, our guts shout warnings at us, but in ways we haven’t heard before, and through a fog of lovey-dovey hypnosis. The “flags” just aren’t plainly visible or as recognizable as others and even we might think they would be. There are a few reasons for this. Let’s talk about those and then get to the red flags!
Wondering if you’ve got a sociopath spouse? Odd things going on, stories not matching up? Walking on eggshells? That’s how it was for all of us…
Sociopath spouse in the house? This is difficult to see and a hard realization to land on. What’s amazing is how common it is to wind up with a sociopath spouse. If you’re calling them a “narcissist” keep reading: there’s only one monster. What we call them matters less than knowing what that monster truly is and how to save ourselves.
This predicament of finding ourselves entangled with a sociopath spouse is not something that happens because there’s something wrong with you. It happens because these monsters exist. And absolutely everything is wrong with them.
Holiday hoovering is painful and a lie. The importance of no contact becomes crystal clear as the temperature drops, leaves fall and the seasonal decorations and eggnog lattes come on the scene.
Holiday hoovering is happening! Read all about it: Here we are again in the thick of the holiday season. It arrives in songs about sleighbells in the grocery store, decorations, and television commercials, nowadays sadly, well before the last Halloween ghost has faded away and the last lone foil-wrapped chocolate witch is eaten.
Like the Cat in the Hat, the troublemaker comes back. Hoovering. What’s a person to do?
Hoovering is annoying and scary. The threat of hoovering is beyond the imagination of anyone who hasn’t been in this kind of nightmare. Anyone leaving a relationship replete with narcissistic abuse knows that in the end, things get scary. We can put an end to hoovering.
The “narcissist” – that is to say, the sociopath – lets out a side of themselves that might be our first glimpse at their genuine absolute wack-o-self. It’s all in the name of attempting to keep us locked in and to be sure we aren’t getting them in trouble.
Leaving a narcissistic user is no ordinary breakup. It’s an escape from terror, abuse, and harm. Five steps ensure safety in the break up from hell.
The breakup is up to us. Let’s hear that again because it’s hard to believe: the breakup is up to us. When disengaging from what we thought was the most amazing relationship ever, that has turned into pain and something scarier than we have words to describe, the end of it – breaking away – is up to us.
Predators use and take, not because they’re allowed to, but because of what they are and therefore, it’s what they do.
Once you’ve left that person you’re calling a “narcissist” and wondering what they are exactly – and likewise if you’ve landed on calling them a sociopath – there’s one thing for sure: If you’re still trying to be friends with them or calling them up or answering their messages, you’re putting yourself in danger.
Emotional abuse is a part of life with a narcissistic user. This is what life is if we’re ensnared by them.
Emotional abuse comes in many flavors. It always comes along with an entanglement with a narcissistic user, the predatory sociopath.
When a normal person and a sociopath mix, the collision of the normal-human brain, and the sociopath’s brain there’s inevitable harm to the normal person while it’s just another regular day to the sociopath.
The focus of the pathological user is to make use of us. They don’t care about what concerns us.
Our feelings are not anything they can feel or understand… Their work is to be sure we’re hooked, and that we don’t comprehend what they are or the reality of their intention in our lives. They don’t care how we feel… They care what we do because of how we feel.
Emotional Abuse and Sociopathic Users are a Package Deal
Once we’re involved and in love, the fallout of the mix of a normal human and a sociopath is trauma, shock, and only harm to us and not at all hurtful for them.
This mind-bending, confusing, collision of a sociopath and a normal person can make us think there’s something wrong with us. There is not. There’s something very very wrong with a sociopath.
Emotional Abuse Signifies This is Not an Ordinary Relationship
As normal, gorgeous humans, we think we’re in a real relationship. Naturally, we do what normal people do in real relationships. The sociopath does not.
Their odd behavior, unresponsiveness, and sometimes outright meanness trips us up – we try, we try to make things better: as anyone would in a relationship.
In the beginning, a sociopath gauges what matters to us. They fulfill that. As the weeks go by, they discern what we won’t tolerate or forgive, what will keep us trusting, even when they become neglectful or mean. They innately know, or simply guess until they get it right and discover which behavior of theirs will bend us to their will most effectively.
In reality, we’ve been hijacked and kidnapped without realizing it. We’re not with a normal person, sociopaths have abnormal brains.
As a sociopath goes about their day in the world they present a false self, even the barista or car wash attendant isn’t seeing a real person.
Breaking Up With Evil
Breaking Up with Evil: Escaping Coercive Control on Amazon
Five women’s true stories of being ensnared hauled through the confusion, lies, fear, and pain, and breaking away.
Told in their own words, they leave nothing unsaid. Find validation and see new glimpses of the truth as they share their stories… Stories that could be any of ours.
We try to keep things harmonious, humans need harmony within their lives and relationships. If both people were normal, both people would contribute to harmony within the relationship, this is not the case with a sociopath.
They lead us to feeling convinced we did something to make it happen, or that it didn’t happen, or they ignore us.
While we pitch in and spend a lot of effort self-reflecting, wondering if “it’s our fault,” and trying to make things right, work out the kinks, adjust our perception of what a relationship – this relationship – should be, and continue to relationship-build, it takes a while to notice, we’re doing it alone.
We don’t get anywhere trying to make things good. There’s always a particular moment when it hits us: something is very wrong here, and normal isn’t working to fix it… because they aren’t normal.
Sociopath’s Minds Collide with Ours
Once hooked in, we’re in a kind of hypnosis in a cloud of confusion. As the whirlwind of good stuff begins to wear off the crazy begins we’re twirling on a merry-go-round emotionally.
We discover if we question them about specific unpleasant or odd things they’ve done, the sociopath gets mad. They lead us to feel convinced we did something to make it happen, or that it didn’t happen, or they ignore us.
A sociopath wants us to stay locked in their spell. They know that an emotional reaction from us is a sign we’re “still in”. They truly do not care which of our emotions makes us stay.
Narcissistic users bent on coercive control to attain their personal gains show rage and even violent behavior if he or she thinks they’re losing their grip on getting the things they want. They like to keep what they take. Though not all sociopaths use physical violence within every predator/prey circumstance, some are incredibly violent.
Normal and Chaos or Trouble Make Us Bond More Deeply
Being in love with a sociopath – what you might call a narc, a narcissist, or “your nee”, isn’t a casual connection. – It isn’t a connection at all as much as a parasite embedded in your life.
While we think it’s a real relationship, we’re all the way in. We want the fairy tale to stay perfect. We hang on tenaciously even as we feel it shifting and disintegrating under our feet. Naturally, when things aren’t building or developing in a relationship, you’re worried about connecting on a deeper level, maybe going to counseling together.
Concerns about maintaining a home, paying bills, not wanting to break up a family, or fearing for our own future all keep us “in”. The things that string us along are subtle and hard to grab a hold of; sociopaths trap us in ordinary conversation by activating our normal emotional responses.
As decent, normal human beings when someone talks we feel we’re meant to listen. When someone asks a question we’re socially, culturally, and innately programmed to give an answer. Never diminish the complete wrongness of any abuse. – Sociopaths are naturals at bringing what amounts to abuse into our lives because they don’t value us, or care for us. There’s absolutely no human connection from this alternate-human and ourselves.
Narcissistic Users, Sociopaths Don’t Care Which Emotion Hooks Us
Our response to their actions is a sign we’re hooked. That’s all they need.
Emotional Distractions:
Says or does things that bring up the emotion of humiliation within you
Laughs at you
Puts you down
Calls you names
You feel guilty for things they say
Diminishes your feelings
Their presence and personality leave you thinking maybe you’re crazy
Takes things, money, plans, or privileges away from you
Treats you very well in front of other people
Accuses and blames you for their plans and “work” going wrong or failing
Talks about a past girl/boyfriend who did things “perfectly”…better than you do.
Intimidation and Isolation:
Making us afraid by using looks or gestures.
Slams doors, breaks things, throws things
Yells, scolds, orders you about
Hounds you until you decide to not do something you’d planned
Talks about killing and violence
Shows weapons to you in text messages or in person
Tells you who your friends can be
Keeps you from or wedges an emotional separation between you and your family
Creates an “us” and “them” existence
Seems to be jealous of your time and seems to want attention from you
Uses his jealousy to justify rules and limits or conditions they put upon you
Limits where you can go, when and when you must be home
Texting or calling at intervals to make sure where you are
Rules about or insinuating when we can or can’t go out
Limits or tells you what you can read, watch
Has rules about your social media or phone time
Blocks you from their social media
Avoids meeting or seeing your family
Keeps you from their family or their family seems just as bad
Has friends they won’t let you meet, places they won’t let you go with them
Holds up a “friend” as an authority about your relationship ought to be
Minimizing, Denying, and Blaming:
Belittling your ideas, feelings, opinions
Denying that things important to us, matter
Dismissing or ignoring or making fun of or being angered at what’s important to us
Comments and sets of circumstances that cause you to think everything’s your fault
Insulting how we take care of the home, kids, or spend our time
Telling you things are going wrong because you don’t trust them
Using intimidation or belittling to keep us quiet about what concerns us
Coercion and Threats:
Threaten to commit suicide, talk about dying
Threats to report us to authorities
Making us drop charges against them
Sociopaths pretend illness to get out of expectations, events, and conversations
Making or carrying out threats to harm, hurt or leave us
Telling us we get something only if we do something specific
Coercing us or charming us to do illegal or reprehensible things
Financial Monitoring:
Takes your money
Making you ask them for money
Puts you on an allowance
Comments negatively and criticizes you for what you spend money on
Takes credit cards beyond their limit
Opens new credit cards; coerces you to open credit accounts or does so in secret
Their money and its source are a mystery
Borrows money from you and doesn’t pay it back
Takes out loans or borrows money without you knowing they’ve done this
Keeps secret credit cards or bank accounts
Keeps their income or access to family income from you
Uses outbursts of rage to keep you from talking about bills
Is enraged or dismissive when you try to talk about financial matters or bills
Male Privilege and Cultural Advantage:
Treats you like a servant…even in jest
Behaves like the King or Master of the castle
Makes big decisions, family decisions without you
Uses proclaimed beliefs about how women against you
Defines men’s and women’s roles or husband and wife roles in a restrictive way
Female Privilege and Cultural Advantage:
If you were a real man you would – blank
Threatens domestic abuse charges
Stages domestic violence
I’m a woman, so you need to: financially support me and the baby
Sexual Abuse and Emotional Manipulation:
Bargains with sex
Forces you to be sexual with them
Hides their STD’s
Belittles you for wanting intimacy
Puts you down or dismisses you for wanting sex
Refuses sexual intimacy
Has other husbands, wives, secret kids
Pathological Predators Use Our Emotions for Their Gain
They lie about all things, always hiding what they really are. Every moment of their life is a lie. Everyone they know is someone they’re scamming.
They aren’t a real person, not even to the barista or the car wash attendant. The sociopath is constantly putting on a presentation. When we stop believing them, no one is there. No one human that is.
Add these to your contacts so you don’t miss a newsletter! jennifer@truelovescam.com info@truelovescam.com
As a certified coach, upholding industry standards I strive to inform, educate, invite thought and dialogue, to co-plan, co-strategize, advise, consult, refer, recommend, train, teach, guide and coach people in guided recovery and discovery specific to these crimes, and from hell and broken in the aftermath to whole again, and more. You decide what winning is.
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Feeling like users, narcs, and sociopaths gravitate to you? Is it possible to be a sociopath magnet? Some would have us think so. Know the real deal.
Sociopath magnets are not specifically or particularly you or me… The thing is: Anyone will do. Think of it like this: A sociopath is a predator. They do need to grasp someone in their clutches, draw a subject into their vortex in order to survive. And because of this, they hunt all the time.
Any rudimentary predator within the animal kingdom on any planet knows where and how to find dinner. This is nothing special. It’s wired into their DNA. They arrived out of the box this way: They are not geniuses.
Normal Fills the Bill Just Right
So, what is it that brings them sniffing around…? Sociopaths need normal people; people who do what normal people do when they’re in love and believe they’re in a relationship with another regular, normal person.
The thing is these, users need people who: Love, give, believe in relationships, and make efforts to build a relationship. People who are up for a compromise rather than an argument. People who trust. Gorgeous normal souls who are magnanimous as well as monogamous.
The predator can sense Individuals who are responsible and these other characteristics: A sense of adventure, those who’ve experienced loss, have had disappointments, have successes, are genuine, and real, and who stay when the going gets rough because that’s what normal does. Sociopaths need us. Not the other way around. So are we a sociopath magnet…? Or human…?
Many Misconceptions Float Around About How This Happens
Here Are Some of The Inaccurate Ideas About How This Happens
That we’re plagued by low self esteem
We’re codependent
We allowed it
They’ve been enabled by us
We’re stupid
Sociopath Magnet: Do Sociopaths Look for People with Low Self-Esteem?
This is the same principle as in a world where rape victims are blamed for being raped because they’re pretty, or they smile, or they wear a sexy dress, or they breathe while being female.
No, they do not “look for” people with low self-esteem… They need us to hold up their lives. Sociopaths do not look for people with low self-esteem. These weaklings look for strong people, not weak people. It’s an absolute fact that being preyed upon by con men, user sociopath can cause people to end up feeling incredibly weak and low and without a doubt experiencing trauma and a very specific PTSD that requires specific healing.
And, yes, that feeling is part of why people “stay.” And sometimes that feeling remains within someone’s life for a very long time. In no way does feeling low give any monster permission to use, deceive, and defraud us.
Are We Co-Dependent: Is That Why They Use Us?
Nope. That’s not it either. I’ve got one thing to say about that: They are the dependent ones. They are the ones with zero boundaries. There is nothing about us that gives anyone permission or the right to deceive us, lie to us, steal from us, and worse. Nothing about us invites them or allows them to use our lives for their own devious purposes.
Anyone can be duped by these monsters. I’ve done recovery sessions with people who’ve been seduced and sucked into true love scams who are Licensed social workers, police officers, an immigration attorney who got ensnared into marriage for a green card by a sociopath, mental health specialists, pastors, and psychologists. All of them, just like we were ensnared by a sociopath, scammer, narcopath, narcissist, narc – whatever you want to call them, monster.
That Old Chestnut: Women Blamed For Being Used
Blaming the target of a crime, masquerading as a relationship, is ridiculously common; especially if that target was a woman the blame falls at her feet. This harkens back to the dark ages, which it seems, unfortunately, is apparently still the era we’re in.
The very idea of a “sociopath magnet” implies it’s the targeted prey who are at fault for the predators actions and our subsequent fall down the rabbit hole. So not true.
This is the same principle as in a world where rape victims are blamed for being raped because they’re pretty, or they smile, or they wear a sexy dress, or they breathe while being female.
When using the word narcissist, if that person is a user, a conman, a person who lives by deceiving others, a scammer, a scumbag – that’s a sociopath. They are male or female. And still, there’s nothing we do to attract them aside from having a pulse and being normal.
Not only are we misunderstood in this nightmare, but so are the fundamental intent and motivation of the predator. It’s often said what they want is “control”… What is that?
Remember they’re looking for personal gain and survival. They’re looking for a place to sleep, a car, money, a respectability facade, someone to rape maybe. Control? To control what? To get what? Credit cards, addresses, food, a couch, a shower, the internet, access to countries, a place to hide out… They’re motivated to gain immediate and fundamental survival needs.
Are We Enabling the Predatory Sociopath?
When someone says something mean we take it to heart by way of a natural chemical response in our bodies. In other words: we don’t react the way we do because we’re codependent, enablers. We react the way we do because we’re human.
This is a very common concept and something many of us believe, or the people around us believe. Here’s teething though: they are a sociopath. They will be one with or without us. There’s nothing about us that gives anyone permission or the right to deceive us, lie, steal, and worse.
Nothing about us gives anyone permission, or invites them, or allows or enables them to do this anymore than having a car gives someone permission to steal it or enables them to take it. And if they do take our car, in no way is it our fault.
Taking things from people is universally recognized by anyone, anywhere, in any culture, and in any country on the planet as a crime.
Therapists Can Have it Wrong
You’ll read many articles here and there on Psychology Today, calling them a “narcissist” and stating that this is your fault: that you need to reexamine what you’ll accept in a relationship or your “relationship standards”: THEY ARE WRONG. Wrong. Plain wrong. Here’s why…
Therapists are not trained in what this really is. – This is newly discovered and you are a part of that discovery. Trust that you, as prey of a predator who lived this surreal bizarre nightmare – likely already know far more about what this is than any therapist you could find.
There is no textbook that talks about the reality of this entrapment and the hell we go through under their spell. The therapy paradigm: the job of being a therapist is also off. kilter to support you. It is this: you as the person who entered their office (or Zoom) are ow this patient/client and it is their job to identify what is “wrong” with you and to “fix” it. – One problem with this is: There is nothing wrong with you.
A sociopath does not hijack someone’s life to make use of them because that person is stupid. The predator looks for capable people. After all, they need to make use of us to hold up their life.
The sociopath themselves is quite aware: these are not relationships: they are crimes.
Sociopath Magnet? Phhhhfft
We are not the ones responsible for their inhumane and demon-like behavior. The very idea of a sociopath magnet implies it’s the targeted prey who are at fault for the fall down the rabbit hole. So not true.
Being blamed for trusting a man we later discover deceived us is more trauma. Targets too often are blamed by people we turn to for support: spiritual leaders, family, community leaders, and authorities who say they’re there to “protect and serve”. We’re looked at as if it’s our fault, especially the more emotional we are in the moment of reporting.
Emotions and Reactions to Being Used and Deceived are Legit
A response in the way of “feelings” is normal for normal humans. When someone says something mean we take it to heart by way of a natural chemical response in our bodies. In other words: we don’t react the way we do because we’re codependent, enablers. We react the way we do because we’re human.
Do we still believe the earth is flat? Of course not. All theories, discoveries, and insights evolve. This information about the reality of the human race evolving. Let’s step it up. Have the confidence to declare what we know. We’re grown folk. We can do it. After all, a tiny child pointed out that the Emperor wore no clothes.
Sociopaths, Narcissists, Con Men, Pathological Users, Narcs, Narcopaths Can Only Be What They Are
As hard as that is to take in, it’s true: There are monsters walking among us. These monsters depend on regular people. Being a regular person is all it takes for a sociopath to aim their bait at us, the constant and persistent contact some call love bombing. Sociopaths do this all day long: it’s all they can do.
A sociopath – and maybe you’re using the word narcissist – needs credibility, so normal people trust them for one reason and one reason only: so they can take whatever they need and want.
A defrauding, abnormal-brained con man can’t not be what they are! They need normal, good people to trust them in order to: give them credibility, and seeming normalcy so normal people trust them.
So they can take and use those who trust them and then walk away as it wears thins and falls through. They know this day will arrive and live in fear of it, and more fear of what will occur in the aftermath. – Believe it or not, they fear us.
No One Can Recognize a Red Flag Waving for Something We Don’t Know Exists
No one can know these monsters exist until they know. And yes, those targeted by them trust them, believe them, and feel that they love them. In actuality, this isn’t love that we feel… we believe it is, we call it this, we yearn with it.
In truth, we just don’t have a word for what it is, other than maybe hypnotized or infused with venom that scrambles the soul.
The sociopath isn’t who they say they are – it takes time to discover this. We’ve been seduced and mesmerized – and if you don’t believe this can happen – just tell that to Madison Avenue and the whole basis for the world economy.
We’re seduced daily by advertising, magazines, reality shows into spending thousands of dollars on iPhones, Lexus, and undergoing surgeries for Kardashian-like-lips.
Nobody is Stupid Here
A woman or man trusting, investing emotionally, and believing that the person standing in front of them, who they share meals with, a bed with, a life with, truly loves them… That’s normal. Not stupid. It isn’t enabling.
We’re normal whole humans and have every right to be exactly what and who we are. Here’s what’s absurd and not okay in the slightest: Blaming regular people who didn’t know these dirt-bags existed for that monster in disguise not being trustworthy, and for being a criminal and a deceiver and for harming them.
If we’re human sociopaths, con artists, users look at us as prey. If we’re breathing we’re a likely target, until we know the truth of what they are.
And more… These great human qualities of trust and kindness, of sticking in with people we love even when times are tough are why humankind still exists on this planet.
They’re innate and remarkable, essentially involuntary traits; they’re so second nature we notice our trust and interconnectedness less than we notice our own heartbeat or breath going in and out. Our beautiful human essence, our humanity is taken for granted.
Read here about real recovery. Guided recovery sessions filled with lightbulb moments. Find your way back to you.
These are Crimes of Deception: They Commit the Crime: Not Us
In these crimes these awesome, normal, human hard-wired characteristics of trust, believing in love, bonding more in a crisis, even when our loved one is the source of the crisis are branded as a weakness and a fault. The blame for the sociopath’s invasion is laid at our feet. Is this right…? Is this fair…?
No one can help anyone going through this if their beliefs and thoughts about this phenomenon are that it was their fault for being used and hijacked and deceived. That’s so much B.S. That’s the old blame-the-woman-who-got-raped angle rather than the laying responsibility at the feet of the rapist. Please, do not perpetuate or buy into this nonsense.
“When highly praised by others there’s no hardship one cannot bear. Such is the courage that springs from words of praise… When praised one does not consider one’s personal risk and when criticized one can recklessly cause one’s own ruin. Such is the way of common mortals.” ~ Nichiren Daishonin, The True Aspect of All Phenomena
Take No Responsibility for a Sociopath’s Inhumanity
A sociopath is a sociopath is a sociopath. We didn’t make them. We don’t let them. They’re going to remain sociopaths no matter what we do or don’t do. There is no sociopath on earth that heeds any boundary.
Take responsibility for learning what they are, for realizing by contrast how amazing we are, and for our full recovery. When we know sociopaths exist, and what that really means we can forever sidestep them.
Here’s the truth: We’re all possible prey of these beasts as long as we’re human. Sociopaths – antisocial psychopaths, are responsible for these fake relationships that are truly crimes, not the people they target.
Someday Recognizing a Sociopath Will Be a Skill We All Have
The day will come when enough people gain this skill and discerning wisdom, the destruction and ruin sociopaths make will be lessened. As we get stronger in our humanity, their dark influence diminishes.
This increase in humanity gives their existence the only value I can imagine it to have. There’s nothing more evil in the world than at any time in history. It has simply risen to the surface for all to see.
We want to be sure to remain human and humane. Stand up for goodness, humanity, and kindness. Demand it. Be it. We are awesome.
Add these to your contacts so you don’t miss a newsletter! jennifer@truelovescam.com info@truelovescam.com
As a certified coach, upholding industry standards I strive to inform, educate, invite thought and dialogue, to co-plan, co-strategize, advise, consult, refer, recommend, train, teach, guide and coach people in guided recovery and discovery specific to these crimes, and from hell and broken in the aftermath to whole again, and more. You decide what winning is.
Holiday hoovering is about the sociopath’s need to restock. They replenish their stores using our sentimentality of the season as a trap. For us, it’s annoying, disturbing, and dangerous. It can land as back to square one. Let’s side-step that malarkey.
Holiday hoovering puts a bitter twist and a gut-wrenching anxiety into our holiday season. For us, holiday hoovering is torture. The sociopath – or the “narcissist” if that’s the word you use for them invests in holiday hoovering. It’s necessary; it’s to assure their future.
…And then there’s the boomerang. That “old friend” who pops back up…The Holiday hoover or boomerang can land as back to square one. Straight in the figgy pudding. Let’s side-step that malarkey.
That thing you’re calling a “narcissist” … the sociopath secretly loves the Holidays. Storming out because you didn’t make their favorite dish is a cover. It’s how they get out of the house to hunt… in the most wonderful time of year.
During the holidays, normal people want things merry and bright. We have family visiting, kids to make memories for, traditions to uphold, trees to decorate, cookies to bake, and presents to wrap.
It’s never easy to grasp the real-deal stark reality of what’s going on in these hijackings. There’re the secrets, the subtext, and the hidden motivations of these creatures that are elusive to us. When we’re in the initial throes of the struggle to clear the fog to confirm the person we love is a monster, the holiday season is the bitterest time of all for decoding what’s up.
Caught under their spell, married in hell. There’s only one ending. Divorce or annulment are inevitable. We need legal advice..
Divorce from a narcissist or sociopath is required for millions of us. So why isn’t there a “Quick Guide” to divorce one of these monsters? I know I could’ve used one when filing – and thankfully winning – the annulment I got!
Divorce is an unavoidable legal procedure if we married a “narcissist”. That is to say, if we’re married to a sociopath, we’ll most likely be getting a divorce. This dreaded and costly legal process is another one of the frightening inexplicably hellish necessities if we’ve married a conman (or conwoman), a psychopath.
