Tag Archives: love bomb

Trauma Bonding Comes from Our Innate Goodness

Trauma bonding is a normal stress response.
Our instinctive human bonding is
another normal human function
sociopaths hijack for their own use.
Lets take back our lives.

Bonding is part of humanity. It’s human at its essence. In times of stress or crisis bonding happens naturally. We see it within families, we see it within countries and groups. Bonding while in trauma is a built-in mechanism to bring us connection with those we love for new-found resilience and strength to handle the crisis.

This marvelous lifesaving mechanism to bond more deeply in times of attack, danger, or trouble occurs even when the one we love is the source of the crisis.

Traumatic bonding isn’t a weakness in our soul. It’s innate, normal and something we can’t not do as healthy human beings. And when we’re ensnared by one of these creatures, we’re under a sticky hypnotic kinda spell holding us in like quicksand. Hanging in is normal.

In the chaos of life with a sociopath, we bond with them because we feel we love them and are in a relationship with them. This is natural.

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Understand Trauma Bonding for Deeper Healing

The bottom of our world drops. The love of your life is a beast from hell. Your stomach lurches, your heart pounds, you choke on your own breath. Adrenaline floods your brain.

The discovery that we were a criminal fraudster’s mark knocks our world out of place, the floor under our feet drops away. The dawning revelation that there is no love and that in fact, we’re in danger with this person and because of this person is like an awakening from a nightmare to find it’s alive and real.

It brings vertigo and laser clarity in equal measure. In one moment we go from the struggle of trying to align an out-of-sync relationship to the blinding truth that there wasn’t one. Nothing is what we thought it was.

The Spell Breaks

In this one crazy single moment for me, I also realized I’d been living at least two worlds all along and that moment the spell broke those two worlds each became more sharply delineated, and yet full still of mud at the same time. The best part was, I’d snapped the ropes that bound me to him. There was much more unwinding to do, but nothing would take away this new insight into this mess.

There’s nothing wrong with us. We are not broken…and believe me, I know you might feel broken. I did. What we are is richly, fully, amazingly human. This is our saving grace. how you’re feeling is not the new you. It isn’t permanent.

When We See Behind the Mask to the Monster

Yes, before the mask completely falls we know things aren’t great – but not in our wildest imagination can we or anyone else yet comprehend the reality we face a seeming meastro of deceit and destruction wearing the skin and clothing of a person we thought was the love of our life.

Courage and connection is found in the alchemy of this life and death traumatic stress in the aftermath of a sociopath. – A stronger, bigger better heart.

Terror floods our veins. Danger stands before us wearing the same shoes that troubled-love stood there wearing only a split second ago. Our heart races. Our mind spins.

We fall into a chasm of terror or lift ourselves to a new life. The stress of seeing the sociopath behind the mask, the narcissist without his fake persona is profound stress.

Trauma Stress and Regular Old Stress Makin’ Folks Sick

We’ve all heard – and have experienced – that stress makes us sick, as in ill from annoying colds to heart attacks. Stress has been something to avoid.

During even one year of lots of stress, a leading health psychologist, Dr. Kelly McGonigal tells us, studies show that stress gives a 43% increased risk of edging us toward our demise – but – that’s old news! Now they know – drum roll: This is the result only if we believe stress is harmful. – Remember, they used to believe the earth was flat?

What if we can make stress help us? There’s a new take on stress. Stress is now known as the “biology of courage.” Trauma bonding and the trauma of life or living with a sociopath is our path to amazingness. It’s one of the cool things about being human.

The rush of blood and adrenaline, the rapid heart rate – the other chemicals made by our bodies under stress – will, rather than defeat us, save our lives.

Stress and Trauma Cause Us to Bond

Stress gives us access to our hearts. The stress of trauma gives us the instinct to reach out to others who love us and — to support those in stress. This connecting factor saves us and brings health and longevity.

Stress – even stress from a monster attack – is our friend. It isn’t the enemy as we’ve been taught; stress isn’t the road to the common cold, but the pathway to more compassion for ourselves and anyone in need of support.

Our pounding heart is preparing us for action, pumping energy into our bloodstream. The increased breathing is getting oxygen to our brains for precise body function.

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Restore Our Lives

When we think of the stress response as on our side rather than something that makes us sick we relax into it and biochemically within our body, the reaction is “like that in moments of joy and courage”.

Courage and connection are found in the alchemy of this life and post-traumatic stress in the aftermath of a sociopath. – A stronger, bigger better heart.

There is a simple hypothesis about what steers the human brain to trust another human: a hormone called oxytocin….our behavior is also influenced by a large number of very complex, yet identifiable, biological processes. Future research should help us understand how cognitive and biological processes interact in shaping our decisions about whom to trust.
~ Brain Trust, by Michael Kosfeld

Stress Leads Us to Others: It’s a Good Thing

Stress makes us social – the chemical reaction in the body from stress makes us reach out to those we love and simultaneously causes us to fight for those we love. That famous hormone: Oxytocin is a neuro-hormone created in the pituitary gland shooting magic sauce through the body when under stress that has a special, purposeful function.

As Dr. McGonigal says, it “fine-tunes our social instincts.” This chemical rush primes us to do things that strengthen close relationships. Stress makes us more willing to help and support people we care about.

Pathological Users Hijack Every Natural Part of Normal Humans

There’s a built-in mechanism within our bodies; a natural response to handling stress that leads us to make a deeper connection. Yes, a deeper bond with the person we’re going through the trauma with. When we’re in this mess entangled by a sociopath and the anxiety and chaos mount, we bond with them. That’s normal.

The thing is, we don’t yet know they’re abnormal. This bonding is called trauma bonding, and then, in this case, our normal human bonding mechanism is seen by “experts” as a weakness or a fault. – Our normal bonding in chaos and trauma is yet another human function the sociopath turns to their advantage.

Initially, the chaos the sociopath whips up in our relationship bonds us to them because of the flood of oxytocin we didn’t even know our body was shooting out.

Trauma Sustained Over Time

The more havoc and imbalance the sociopath makes, the more our body’s involuntary protective stress reaction makes us reach out to them because at least at that moment, we still love them.

Because that’s how humans function biologically, and so we believe them. And so we fight for them, and for us as a couple. – Until we don’t. Until they do something so horrific our body recognizes them for what they are: the enemy from hades. Then things really heat up.

When we see through the sociopath use that fight-or-flight rush of oxytocin for us. Run to the real true love of family and long-time friends. Embrace our own lives. Stress can create resilience and joy.

Trust yourself; we can handle the challenge of the stress in the aftermath of a sociopath – the ability to do this is built into our body – and even our body knows we don’t have to face it alone. Connect with others who don’t judge, and can listen in the aftermath of a sociopath to anchor ourselves to human goodness.

Dr. Kelly McGonigal on Stress as Fuel for Renewal

There’s more.
Introducing, Dr. Kelly McGonigal, TED Talk.
Listen to the doctor, she explains it much better than I do.

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2016_01_02 2022_11_12

5 Ways to Disarm a Love Bombing Sociopath

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Love bombing is an explosion of contact.
It’s how the life-jack happens.
How do we stop them from getting inside our lives.

Love bombing is the first tool sociopaths pull from the identical tool-kit they each come with. They’re all alike and yet, they each think they’re unique and über special.

Sociopaths are special for sure, special cases of wrong-doing, life-ruining parasites. Every love bombing destroyer starts things off the same way. And it seems like heaven. Things rapidly – or maybe slowly – take a pitch for the worse. All these rides into hell follow the same five stages.

It all begins the first millisecond a sociopath makes contact with a person. Any person.

At each new encounter, the predatory sociopath looks into the crowd with one thought: which person can I hook.

This is the first point: they can’t not do this. They’re also really lazy and like to do a little as possible in order to get whatever they want.

They do give a scan around the room for who might be (from their point of view) the easiest to draw into their web.

However, not one bit of this “assessment” covers or considers whether someone is stupid or “codependent” or or low on self-esteem or not. They’re looking for whoever it is that finds them cute. Th person who stays in the conversation, and responds when they say something. Contact.

The fact is, every single amazing, normal-human one of us can be scammed. Every one. Even the cynic. No one is exempt. It’s really a matter of the prey’s life circumstances…not a position in life or economic, but more profound things.

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This Isn’t a Love Match

Our humanity is what sociopaths take advantage of. Sociopaths – or that “narcissist” are looking for good people . People who are first of all easy to access. Then beyond that anyone is viable possible prey. In order to support their revolution lives they do well with people who are open, secure, up for an adventure, looking for something new in their lives, ready to make changes, are optimistic, and have had loss, understand grief, are forgiving, loving, and believe in second chances, believe in love, and invest in and treasure friendships and relationships. – Nice people. Good people. It’s your natural human goodness that they twist to hold up their lives.

Sociopaths have a top-of-the-world-charmer-face used for meeting and greeting. They have a suspicious-face that falls in place when they think they might lose prey.

Unseen conditions come into the equation: timing, our state of mind, emotional awareness, our self-perception, our internal life condition, our mood, and deep inner-realm-things in the moment of meeting a sociopath.

And more than anything, it matters greatly if we’re attracted to them or not. If we aren’t they overlook us. To be clear, there’s nothing wrong with a person who’s scammed but there’s everything wrong with a sociopath. We are not weak or stupid. We’re human. They are the opposite on all counts.

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Love Bombing is Contact: Everything Depends on Contact

When a love-bombing sociopath meets a new person they shiver in excitement – it makes them seem so energetic and charming. It takes the right (wrong) combo of things going on in our lives and most importantly, we need to think they’re kinda cute. In some cases, we don’t think they’re cute instead, they keep at us with contact until we cave.

The initial moment of contact is everything. And the contact keeps the hook in. Sociopaths look for normal human, good-hearted people.

Later, after things bottom out, they’ve got that scary I-will-get-you-face and even a creature-in-hell-face takes over when their world of lies unravels. By the way, these are their real faces.

Sociopaths are monsters. (Even when you call them a “narcissist”.) They want you to trust them so they can use you and take from you. It’s not that any one of us is particularly special, or specifically any one thing or another… this is what they attempt to do to any and every human they can draw in. They lie and scam and take from anyone and everyone. Their scamming-ground covers love, business, the religious realm, absolutely in every arena and in every moment of every day, everywhere they go.

Realize what we’re up against: a being with an entirely different brain than ours. They do not think like we do, as in literally they do not think in the same way we do. They have their own interpretation and perspective and awareness that does not include anything we understand as normal. They don’t experience any human interaction in the way we do. Fortunately, their love-bombing technique can be easily diffused.

How to Disarm a Love Bombing Sociopath

Go old-school, old-fashioned dating rules with a contemporary touch-up. You might not like this. But – it’s a sure-hit way to diffuse a love-bombing sociopath.

1) Limit Texting to Logistics: “I’ll Be There in Five”

Limiting text time side-steps the false feeling of deepening a relationship. Relationships don’t develop in Whatsapp messages, Snapchat, or cell phone chat. Relationships happen through spending time together – over an extended time – as in calendar time, not over three days of hours and hours of texting back and forth.

When things are going well, a cunning-victory face makes them seem “happy” to see us. Later, after things bottom out, a scary I-will-get-you-face, and even a creature-in-hell-face takes over when their world of lies unravels.

Our dreamy interpretations of their flirty texts are a danger zone. Texting is a trap sociopaths hope we fall into. We easily believe there’s a whole lot going on between us with zero effort on their part therefore, texting puts us right where they want us. Texting doesn’t make a relationship under even the very best of circumstances.

Be aware, that text that we think is for us alone is likely for about five or six other targets at the same time. – Yes. Many all at once, always.

Use texts for simple communication only. Such as, I’m running late. Or, the address is 639 Wonderland Drive. Parking on the side street
Use phone calls – from him – to let him ask you out. Yep. – Do not call him. Later, call him one time to every three or four times he calls you
Skip the trend or tendency to use phone time as “a date”. Three-hour conversations are bait-and-hook marathons for predators. It builds false bonds
Long phone odysseys, even with someone normal are merely imagined bonding. When limited to phone-contact-only under normal circumstances it leads to break-downs and break-ups

2) One Date Per Week Per Person: Without Protracted Phone Calls or Messaging – Which is Contact – in Between

Limit dating time. Sociopaths move fast. Toxic people, predators, narcissists, sociopaths (all the same thing), want the romance to swell into a crescendo of “deep commitment” and very often, cohabitation within one to four weeks.

In order to get the keys to our pad, they need to see us often, alone, and maintain heavy contact. Say, “no” to daily contact. – Have other things to do. Override that yearning weird feeling towards them if that’s stirring in your gut. (That’s the hook, the instant coercive control.)

Make your own life the center of your attention. Please don’t fall into the popular disingenuousness of “...we’re just hanging out.” With a normal human, that’ snot good enough and with one of these pathological users, they are never just “hanging out”… They’re working on hooking prey every single moment. – They aren’t in the room, on the phone or in the chat for the reason we are.

3) Date in Groups and Be Active: Later, When Gatherings 100% are Safe

Sound nuts…? Wait until this guy or gal turns out to be a sociopath, then nuts will take on actual meaning. Here’s the thing… Why in the world – really – would we ever go out in the evening to dinner, a movie – a walk on a deserted beach – with … a stranger??

I know. I know. It’s done all the time, it seems okay… It’s normal. Americans meet online, or in a bar or at a party and easily exchange numbers, information and go on a date – alone – together – solo. It is a part of our culture. But – why…?!

Dating in the U.S. used to be about spending time in groups, and still is in France or Italy, Brazil, Argentina, Spain, Denmark. In these cultures, each person is known quite well by at least two or three others in the group. Even then it takes time – time spent with the group – before anyone would consider a solo, alone-time date.

Sociopaths need privacy. Sociopaths separate us from the group. From family. From friends. If we only go for group dates, a sociopath will bail by date three. Isolation is key to a sociopath’s success at hooking targets.
So, get a group of your friends – go bowling, hiking, to art walks, free concerts, day time fun things that reveal people’s true character and personality through group interaction. A sociopath can’t hold up as a real functioning person in a group, because they aren’t.
Ask friends what they think of him. Take their answers to heart. Trust friends.

And another point about when you are in company… refrain from pouring out lots of personal information. When you’re meeting someone new, hold off on telling them your life story, even if they prompt you to. Instead, talk about other things.

Telling the story of your childhood or past relationships – especially hard ones – isn’t a way to court or woo or a get-to-know-you method, these personal things are potentially shared when you already know someone quite well.

4) Online Research: Who is This Guy We’re Dating?

Aside from a background check which can be inaccurate, I’m talking about your own home-done sleuthing.

What is this guy’s name? Who are his friends? Look through their Facebook pages objectively. Google him. Verify any posting related to him; trace its origin because every sociopath plants “a good reputation” and “super achievements” online.

Special Rule Number 5 to Detect a Love Bombing Sociopath

5) The Eyes Give Away a Sociopath

Sociopaths are shape-shifters. Truly, the faces of predators change as their “success” with prey goes through ups and downs, and because of this we can spot them.

Sociopaths have a top-of-the-world-charmer-face used for meeting and greeting. They have a suspicious face that falls in place when they think they might lose prey. On the other hand, when things are going well, a cunning-victory face makes them seem “happy” to see us.

Later, after things bottom out, they’ve got that scary I-will-get-you-face and even a creature-in-hell-face takes over when their world of lies unravels. By the way, these are their real faces.

There are good reasons to take a page out of tips on dating: It’s Just a F***ing Date, by Greg Behrendt.

We will not be scammed. We, my friends, will thrive! They’re a zombie-empty-shell of made-up stories and lies. We are real. And we can be who we want to be – sociopath free!!