Love with a sociopath is no bed of roses. It’s not a match made in heaven. It’s from deepest hell. But: we win…
Love with a sociopath (a narcissist) starts out on a road we think is a mutual path, paved with love, where we’ll walk into our own gorgeous land of harmony and possibility like no other.
A land filled with promise like no other relationship that exists, all and only because: we are with them. This one incredible – are-you-kidding-me – amazing person. And it feels like a fairytale, a Disney princess, the Duke of Hastings, Bridgerton come alive and turned real.
When in love with a sociopath we feel that together we’re infinitely more than either of us could be apart. There’s sunshine, birds singing, rainbows – but no rain – pots of gold, blue skies, and hearts dancing and flitting around our heads like butterflies. They feel differently… they’re after your high-octane-goodness.
We Do the Things Normal People Do In Love
When we’re in love with a sociopath, we’re all in. Our new address is cloud nine.
Then naturally, as any normal person in a relationship, we relationship-build. We undertake to give, make, bake, create, fix, and take leaps of faith, and climb mountains to make things happen for us. This is normal and what one does in real relationships.
There is resolution and full restoration. What is recovery for you?
Since we believe and feel it’s real, our body is doing the things it does when real relationships happen. There’s a chemical mix of “love cocktail” that swooshes through us and it’s muddled well with the venom of their coercive control as it is injected into our veins and bones by their very presence and so, we’re locked in.
Hormones and signals that we’re in love. This naturally leads us to do and feel things that only happen when one is bonding and building a relationship.
There’s something extra going on here though…the infusion of coercive control has us seeing this as life-like-in-a-movie. Their invisible sway of influence has us trying harder. And, ultimately, staying longer feeling desperate that we can’t lose them. – There’s nothing inherently wrong with us. We’re super-de-duper normal. really, no matter your past, no matter your parents or childhood. What we are is ensnared by – that is, feeling that we’re in love with a sociopath.
All We Need to Fall In Love
It’s easy-peasy to fall in love. Really our bodies are made for it. The Amazing Brain explains. To find a complete stranger. Reveal to each other intimate details about your lives for half an hour. Then, stare deeply into each other’s eyes without talking for four minutes.
We’re not stupid. We’re being what we are: human. A human in love. Life and love with a sociopath are far from normal. We just don’t know who’s standing next to us yet.
Love with a Sociopath is a Life of Two Parallel Realities
Without realizing it, we’re not making a magnificent masterpiece of a life on a bicycle built for two. We’re digging a gnarled, dark, deep, tangled hole into the center of hell, where we’re headed all by ourselves, because the sociopath we love knows there’s no relationship.
Once we see enough, cry enough, try enough, we do end it. Sometimes they end it before we can, because a sociopath always, always knows the end is coming.
If we’re lucky, we see a glimpse of this just as the sociopath trips off into his own disgusting future with all our things on his back in a rotting knapsack we mistook for his beautiful soul.
All Normal Humans Are Emotional: There’s Nothing Wrong with Us
If we look at what went on with our emotional human brain we’ll only continue to suffer. We will never heal. Ever.
There are certain beliefs that destroy us as festering wounds after the sociopath leaves. If we’re misinformed about how amazing humans are, how normal we are, and what a sociopath really is, and what that means, we may never, ever recover. Ever. — We can heal.
Here’s what will ruin us after it’s over:
Telling ourselves, or being told by others and believing:
We’re codependent, weak
Have low self-esteem
It’s our fault, we’re crazy
And stupid, and addicted to the narcissist
Blame lies with us, because we ignored red flags
There’s that “work” we need to do on ourselves
We’ve been naive, got hooked because we went through abuse as kids
And There’s More Malarkey We Hear About Our Love with a Sociopath
You’ve likely heard it…
Always, we pick the wrong guy or gal to fall in love with
Have a pattern of abusive relationships
Always get it wrong
We fell for it because we’re older or because our dog just died, or we’re needy
Not wanting to be alone made it happen
It happened because we wanted marriage and kids
Loving a sociopath happened because they made us feel safe
We fell for it because we don’t have enough money
Our insecurity led us to think they could help us do something or be something
We were blind, and in denial, our friends told us but we didn’t listen
And most of all, don’t we know if something’s too good to be true… it isn’t real
None of these is true. And there are very good things that are very true
How To Heal After Loving a Sociopath
There are no words to describe the feel of the life-shattering shock of realizing all was a lie. Loving a sociopath leaves us with post-trauma and the need for self-compassion in order to heal truly and completely.
It takes support and encouragement and someone who can listen without judging. someone who knows what we’ve been through. It takes accurate and true information and understanding of what a sociopath is – and what we are as gorgeous, loving humane, human beings.
Add these to your contacts so you don’t miss a newsletter! jennifer@truelovescam.com info@truelovescam.com
As a certified coach, upholding industry standards I strive to inform, educate, invite thought and dialogue, to co-plan, co-strategize, advise, consult, refer, recommend, train, teach, guide and coach people in guided recovery and discovery specific to these crimes, and from hell and broken in the aftermath to whole again, and more. You decide what winning is.
Affiliate links are in every True Love Scam Recovery article. Clicks on these links provide minor compensation to keep the site running. www.truelovescam.com and its agents are not licensed as attorneys, medical doctors, psychiatrists, psychologists, or therapists. See the entire and full True Love Scam Recovery Privacy Policy and Legal Agreement and Disclaimer here. Thank you.
If you’re Googling for answers. …and confused or uneasy about someone you’re dating, …if you’ve started wondering what’s wrong it’s likely you’re dating a sociopath…dating a narcissist.
I’m going to get right into it here. There are very specific traits every sociopath shares. If you call this person a “narcissist” and see these traits, maybe pull back a bit on what you feel you know, and plug in a stricter view of them with parameters that fit a sociopath… I know that’s a big and scary word. Paradoxically, it can make things simpler. So, how do we know if we’re dating a sociopath?
First of all, most of us – let’s admit – begin a new romantic possibility, by looking online for things about this person we just met. That’s good, but not enough to detect a sociopath.
Here’s why: when we’re dating someone who is a pathologically narcissistic person – a sociopath – we see the good things. Believe it or not, the bad things about them don’t show up or aren’t seen as bad.
Tune in to yourself in this search. If there’s a tugging in your gut – that gut feeling that something is wrong – this means there’s something wrong. If you’re looking up things that brought you to this article, yes – that person you’re dating or maybe now not dating is one of these creatures.
But most of us won’t end a romance at this point. We usually want to know more, that’s just human. It’s not necessarily a bad human quality, it is after all, born of the same human inquisitiveness that got us to the moon and discovered penicillin. And at the end of this dating fest – if it goes badly enough, it’s the same natural human quality that will eventually activate our escape from this person.
What Do Sociopaths Do in Relationships?
In the beginning it seems magic. There’s an unexpected, unhinged kind of compatibility.
They want to see us often or text or talk once a day or more
We find them interesting and are impressed with what they do or talk about
It seems they have a good job, are respected, maybe have a-lotta money
Or they drop things that lead us to assume they do
The reality is, most times when someone is talking about dating a “narcissist”, the person they’re facing is a sociopath. That’s fine. However, the information out there about a “narcissist” mixes together accurate ideas about a non-pathologically narcissistic person, and extremely inaccurate ideas about this very scary pathological one. This leads to problems when that person is actually pathologically narcissistic…a sociopath.
When dating a sociopath or when wanting to know if you’re dating a person who’s much more than “just a narcissist”, the best way to make this determination is to think of them as a being a sociopath…to look at them through this lens in order to see them clearly.
Dating a Sociopath (a Pathological Narcissist) Goes…
The person who promised so much breaks those promises
Super confusing and heartbreaking… they’re strange or get weird about sex
They tell us we can’t be a part of some part of their life
They have days they’re grumpy for no reason
Their mood changes up to down, nice to mean, or active to flat on the couch
And something feels off, uneasy, unsettled and unsettling
Somewhere in your mind, you wonder if they’re lying
Sociopath / Narcissist, Po-tay-to / Po-tah-to
Dating a sociopath… dating a narcissist. You say po-tay-to, I say po-tah-to. Why does it matter? Why do I talk about this much? Because being unclear in this can prolong the “relationship”, which prolongs the pain, and inhibits recovery. It can interfere with safety of you and any children that are part of the picture.
Here’s one example: If you think of them as a “narcissist’ and read all about that, then you might believe they have a narcissistic wound. – This will lead you down a garden path of empathy for the “narcissist” who is in fact a sociopath, who has no wound, but has an abnormal brain – and would sooner watch you bleed out on the floor while they eat their lunch than give you money to take care of your child.
People have fallen into calling them “narcissists” for lots of reasons. One reason is that the word “antisocial” as in “antisocial psychopath” the technical name for a sociopath, trips them up. So, read here to find the answer to why sociopaths are called antisocial.
And of course, the other reason for shying away from the much bigger words sociopath or psychopath is because it’s hard to believe this infinite evil exits. I’m so sorry for this. This is the hardest part to take in. The first moment this reality came to me, is one I’ll never forget.
And now, you feel deceived though you still might have no “proof”
If questioned, they act as if nothing happened and like we’re still chill
You feel fear
You think maybe they’re mentally unstable
Something very wrong is going on, but you can’t put our finger on it
Dating a Sociopath (a Pathologically Narcissistic Person) is Fixable: They Are Not
By the way, did you know that it’s against mental health professional guidelines to diagnose someone underage – someone 18 or younger – as a sociopath aka a psychopath? That’s how serious it is. It’s the last thing a therapist or psychiatrist wants to officially diagnose anyone with.
This diagnosis, this condition of this abnormal and under-functioning brain of the sociopath is permanent. It’s a very strong statement for a therapist or psyche professional to make. This diagnosis is one that many licensed mental health professionals are not willing to make.
I’ve known of cases where they feel the person in question is a sociopath, but not be willing to give testimony to this in court in abuse cases that could save a child from visitations or a spouse from sharing custody. – There are of reasons for this. The point is you need to know.
Dating a Sociopath, Dating a “Narcissist” is a Life of Hell
Sociopaths are very different than we are. They actually have a different brain – they process human relations completely differently than we do. They look at other people as objects. People are merely utility devices to use and to take things from or to use to get their kicks from…in a really bad way.
Sociopaths don’t ever change. They cannot. And they wouldn’t want to if they could, they like being sociopaths and know what they are.
Sometimes they’ll tell us they’re a sociopath. They don’t mind if you know this. They care what you do because fo this knowledge. And most times this sickening intimate uttering does not send people running away, its isn’t usually what snaps the spell, but becomes a part of the coagulating weirdness.
Things can only go from bad to worse to much, much worse. They’re nice, then harsh then not as nice, then harsher. Call you names and some pull out the violence. They take anyone they can get their hooks into through five stages of true love scam…always and only.
Why? Why can’t they just be normal? – Connectors between segments in their brains are missing so that they can’t feel or process emotions as we do. Sociopaths – psychopaths – don’t feel the emotions we feel. They have a very limited set of emotions, none of which are comparable to ours. They don’t understand our emotions and never will.
There are lots of differences in our brains and in how they see the world compared to hoe we see the world because of this missing but. They’re missing care and connection, and so they’re missing a conscience. We have a conscience because we care. They have other differences, for example, in dating a sociopath or dating a what you’ve been calling a narcissist, you might notice that they don’t process the meanings of words the way we do. They even lie when they don’t need to.
Here’s a very detailed YouTube video with Dr. Hare, a leader in research and studies on the antisocial psychopath.
We End the Damage They Can Bring to Our Lives
If you’re on this website wondering if you’re dating a sociopath, please don’t wait looking for proof from them…you’re here because you already know. Trust your gut.
Your suspicion, your fear, confusion, and self-doubt is proof. We already know. Please, embrace your own life. Protect yourself. Find out how to leave them. Go no contact.
Add these to your contacts so you don’t miss a newsletter! jennifer@truelovescam.com info@truelovescam.com
As a certified coach, upholding industry standards I strive to inform, educate, invite thought and dialogue, to co-plan, co-strategize, advise, consult, refer, recommend, train, teach, guide and coach people in guided recovery and discovery specific to these crimes, and from hell and broken in the aftermath to whole again, and more. You decide what winning is.
Affiliate links are in every True Love Scam Recovery article. Clicks on these links provide minor compensation to keep the site running. www.truelovescam.com and its agents are not licensed as attorneys, medical doctors, psychiatrists, psychologists, or therapists. See the entire and full True Love Scam Recovery Privacy Policy and Legal Agreement and Disclaimer here. Thank you.
Why go no contact? After a narcissistic user, no contact is the way to take our life back. Why does it matter so much?
To make things super-de-duper clear in this horrendously unclear time here’s a handy-dandy list describing what constitutes “contact” and what we want to achieve: “no contact.”
Keeping contact – exchanging raging emails and text messages – even “lovey-dovey” ones – not only keeps us in the mess and the lies – it creates new trauma.
Not talking to each other is advised in normal relationship breakups. Not talking gives us a chance to see how we truly feel. How much more critical is it in a true love scam…?!
Each bit of any contact prolongs harm. The sociopath…that creature you might be calling a “narcissist” won’t offer up closure, an apology, or a sincere exchange of any kind.
What Is No Contact?
What is no contact…? It’s more than watching their messages come in and not answering. It’s the one thing that changes everything and that’s going no contact. We end what they started because they won’t.
Though that’s a good start, this isn’t what we call “no contact”… Each message is a zap of new trauma of interaction with them. Every voicemail, email, DM, text, SMS, PM, is a tug at our gut that makes us foggy and keeps us “in it”.
Contact Means We’re Offering Ourselves Up as Lunch
Further contact after a “break up”, or after there’s an “end”, more often inspires the sociopath to be violent or terrorizing. Without a doubt, the second time you come back together, things are worse whether there is violence or not. This escalates each time you “break up” and goes back.
Did you know that contact could lead to our losing legal battles for custody, divorce, annulment, or restraining orders? Staying in contact can make us look as crazy as they say we are.
To the sociopath, or that person you might have decided is a covert, overt or malignant narcissist: any contact is good contact. Any contact, of any kind at all such as responding to a message they drop into your DM, means to the pathological user that they still pull the strings and so can still access you to take what they want, or to use you as they like.
“Time went on quicker, tighter, everything tightened and escalated after I’d lost just about everything and he became overtly disgusted with everything around him. Finally, a combination of numbness and knowledge that my children and I were in very real danger took hold of me and eclipsed the fear of what he’d do if I left or any other fear or worry. As much as I still hated to accept it, I knew that it had to end, and it had to end by me before one of those horrible fears did happen. I had to accept that leaving or staying was life or death.” ~ Chapter 4, Shannon O. Entry No. 08 This Has to End
This is a situation that demands our heads winning over what might linger in our hearts. The sociopath who hijacked us intended no good for us no matter how charming they were – or are. They will never, ever be anything good they promised.
Strictly establishing no contact and keeping no contact will influence our chance of beginning to recover; our safety, and our well-being, and can decide whether or not we win in court.
Staying no contact is to protect our kids. The sooner we go no contact the sooner we can expect a return to happiness in the days to come and long-term.
The Podcast: Narcissistic Abuse Unwound
Staying In Contact Makes Us Appear Untrustworthy and Questionable in Court
Attorneys and Judges frown on those standing before them seeking divorce and child custody from a predator spouse and at the same time has kept contact with the user-abuser.
If we maintain contact our credibility shrinks. If there are children the only contact is best as emails and only related to logistics of pick-ups and drop-offs.
Our silence is the loudest, most meaningful thing we can say to them.
Unless specific communication with them is requested by an attorney, staying in contact makes us look unreliable, untrustworthy, unstable, and indecisive to Judges, child services, counselors, police, and attorneys.
Staying in contact makes our claims of abuse, defrauding, theft, and all the rest straight questionable. We lose big-time if we stay in contact. Go no contact. Only stay in contact via email or a court app if told to by the court to do so for the logistics of child visits.
This is Staying In Contact:
These are the things you want to not do in order to get your life back and to be heard in the most meaningful way by the pathological user, and then have the space to begin your recovery odyssey:
Let their calls ring through to our phones, even if we don’t answer – their number is best blocked so we don’t see any calls or texts
Call their number and hang up
Dial their number to their voicemail
Take their phone calls
Call them
Leave them messages
Listen to their voicemail messages
Let emails from them land in our inbox
Read the emails they send to us
Respond to their emails
Sort through their emails because we have their password
Read the text, SMS, private Facebook, WhatsApp, Snapchat, or any messages from them
Respond to any messages from them
Initiate any messages to them
Close Every Portal from Us to Them
Deeper no contact: close every portal open from our life to theirs. More things we don’t do in no contact.
Look at their Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, or any of their online images, or media
Look at their “friends” social media pages
Sort through their posts looking at their new target or for other prey
Look at old photos of them on our phone or on our FB page or anywhere else
Sort through our wedding photos or other pictures of him or us
Keep things that remind us of him or her
Make an alias FB account so we can look at their page that we blocked
Narcissistic Abuse Unwound: The Podcast
For Court: Save What They’ve Already Sent: Every Message Counts
There’s one exception to keeping contact: we can keep contact when or if an attorney tells us to send a particular message to the sociopath from our email for a legal step in any legal process. These emails are then forwarded as-is to the attorney for the legal process.
Strictly establishing no contact and keeping no contact will influence our chance of beginning to recover; our safety, our well-being, and can be a deciding factor in whether or not we win in court.
Keep old messages: archive old emails and texts that may be needed to show violence, intended violence, marriage fraud, name-calling or harassment, or refusal to follow the procedure in divorce, annulment, or other legal matters. Text messages are best also saved in a chronological series of screenshots showing time/date stamping.
If you print out text messages they lose formatting and are simply line after line of the conversation with no way to tell who said what or when.
We do want to make sure all saved messaging has time date stamps and clearly indicates whose device it’s from (theirs) and to whom (you or other targets.) Keep these as screenshots, printouts, and files on a thumb drive. Save copies for yourself. Forward them to your attorney.
Resist Keeping Tabs Unless It’s to Gather Court Evidence
This is for your safety: Maybe you’ve landed here and are uncertain if the person you’re leaving is a sociopath or a narcissist. I get it that this is unbelievably hard. Please, as soon as you can realize that even though You’re not sure what’s going on, the most important thing to do is to protect yourself and your own well-being. It’s best not to talk about them anywhere to anyone other than privately to a few select people. Leave off any social media posts about our misery in breaking up. And here’s there real-deal and the really tough part: we aren’t breaking up as much as we’re making an escape. – Please don’t tap and type away in Reddit threads about this user we’re breaking away from, please stop yourself from listing them on www.badboyfriend.com. It’s best if you don’t make a FB page dedicated to talking trash about them no matter how true the trash is – and I’m here to tell you, whatever trash you have on them it isn’t even a thimble full of their over-flowing-garbage-can-of-a-life. – This is not to let them get away with it! This is to make you, us, you, and I a “non-threat” to the sociopath. Then go report through the proper channels if there’s something to stand up for your life about. And even I use the word “game” sometimes to talk about this, but in real life: this is not a game.
Doing the same with all mutual “Friends” or connections on Facebook
Not looking at their Facebook page
Staying away from their friends’ Facebook pages
Avoiding FB pages of our (now former) friends who are “Friends” on his or her’s Facebook page
Never private message him or her
Not messaging any of his or her “friends”; they don’t have actual genuine friends, and all people are prey to them
Regarding Email
In order to let their email scoop in case you need them for evidence and court or legal matters, we can. However, at the same time these nasty and lying and so freaking crazy emails don’t need to come into our real-life email. We can send them to a special inbox just for the lunatic.
Make a new email address
Don’t give them this new one
Do not email them
Do not read any emails they send you to any email address whatsoever
In addition, consider changing the “channel”, the IP address that your internet is routed through. Simply call your internet provider and ask them to switch the IP address you receive your internet connection through.
This will knock off any device from access to your internet that may have at one time or another signed in to your internet service on a device of their own.
Think Zero Contact and Non-Threat: We Need to Seem Invisible and Nonexistent
Cell Phones
There’s a block function on smartphones per each phone number; use it with his or her’s
Alternatively, call your service provider and have them block this number for you from being able to call into your phone
No calls or texts from that number can come in after that; alternately, login to our online account with our service provider and block the numbers
Do not ever answer any calls in the future coming in as blocked or unavailable or restricted
Don’t answer calls from an unknown number or unidentified caller
Block the unknown numbers that call you and don’t leave a voicemail that shows they’re a legitimate caller
Consider getting a new or used-new phone and a new number. A used-new phone can be just the ticket right now. Do not load old contacts.
Enter the old-school one by one… Only the good ones. – In cases where this seems appropriate, consider a prepaid burner phone for six months or so.
Believe this: we might want the sociopath to hurt as we did – sure, me too, we might even we might even wish them dead, that’s normal. Some of us stay in contact thinking if we call them names and fight with them it will hurt them, or they’ll finally apologize.
We want them to “understand” that they’re hurting us. This is not going to happen in the way we’re looking for. For one, they know they hurt us; this doesn’t bother them.
News Flash: sociopaths (narcissists) do not “hurt” in the way we do; they “hurt” when things are taken from them or there’s a threat of being exposed. When we leave we become a threat to them as far as their concern about who we’ll tell all about them.
They experience trauma when highly valuable prey takes off. As strange as this is, the pathologically narcissistic (sociopaths aka psychopaths aka narcissists) have no feelings that are relatable to our emotional range of concern and experience as fully limbic-brained – normal – humans.
It’s only us who’s hurt by contact. Us going no contact is what hurts them. Please, go and stay no contact.
From their point of view: if we’re texting, calling, emailing or responding, arguing, crying, talking… no matter how we feel, no matter what the words flying out of our mouths are: to them, it means they still own us if we say anything at all. It’s only us who’s hurt by contact. Us going no contact is what hurts them. Please, go and stay in no contact.
No Contact On Other Platforms
Instagram, Pinterest: Nothing. Nope. Don’t look at theirs. Block theirs and all associated with them. Period. Instagram has a new feature called “Restrict”
Twitter: No
LinkedIn:Ditto as above
Snap Chat:Nope. We “blocked” their number on our phone; see Cell Phones above
FaceTime:See Cell Phones above – their number is blocked!
Skype: No; no Skype, zero, zip, nadda, zilch
Zoom: No Zoom
TikTok: No TikTok
WhatsApp: No
Signal or Telegraph: No
Land Lines:Change our voice greeting to the default anonymous greeting and screen calls
Cell and Landline: change your number either over the phone or online with your provider, you can select a new number.
FAX Number: Again if we have a landline for faxing – change the number.
Understand: No Contact is For Us: It’s How We Win
Hopefully, it’s becoming meaningful on a real-deal-critical level, that we can’t meet them for coffee, to trade back our belongings, or to have sex. We don’t go out to dinner, meet them at a club, meet them with friends. Follow the best practices for our well-being when leaving a sociopath aka narcissist.
Be sure to re-key your doors. This involves changing out the locking mechanism. This works perfectly well rather than getting the whole new doorknob which means their old key doesn’t fit your lock anymore.
And neither does the one they might have copied on the sly. If there’s a knock at your door the way to get them gone is to not answer. Additionally, make no reply, not even talking to them from behind the door.
We Bring This to an End
Let’s never see their smirky, ugly face again. I know we all know this, but I’m just sayin’. Go no contact… zero contact, hardcore. Our silence is the loudest, most meaningful thing we can say to them. And let’s be real. You might reach out or wish they would. That’s normal until we fully know what a sociopath is and what that means.
For our own well-being, our safety, and our future; for finding ourselves again, we go zero contact, radio silent. And… You drop off their radar. And goodbye to the nut-job.
Add these to your contacts so you don’t miss a newsletter! jennifer@truelovescam.com info@truelovescam.com
As a certified coach, upholding industry standards I strive to inform, educate, invite thought and dialogue, to co-plan, co-strategize, advise, consult, refer, recommend, train, teach, guide and coach people in guided recovery and discovery specific to these crimes, and from hell and broken in the aftermath to whole again, and more. You decide what winning is.
Affiliate links are in every True Love Scam Recovery article. Clicks on these links provide minor compensation to keep the site running. www.truelovescam.com and its agents are not licensed as attorneys, medical doctors, psychiatrists, psychologists, or therapists. See the entire and full True Love Scam Recovery Privacy Policy and Legal Agreement and Disclaimer here. Thank you.
Whether you call them a “narcissist”, sociopath, predator, or plain jerk, they reveal their truly malevolent hearts when they break up with us.
How sociopaths break up with us can be just as confusing as the time spent “with” them. The breakup can be abrupt or long and slow. There’s a period where it can feel almost like they’re coaxing us or almost daring us to break up. A breakup is usually littered with threats, sarcasm, and smirks.
Sociopaths break up in text messages, FB messages, and other times without a word. In some scenrrios, when sociopaths break up is, that they go to the store and never come back. We’re left wondering, “Where did all the love go?”
It can happen in a mundane moment, our phone pings with a text: I’m done. Or we walk in the door and find their things are gone. (Yes, also the dirtbag you’re calling a “narcissist”.)
The break up happens regularly, routinely. What you’re going through dpesn’t phase them and they’ve done this a thousand times before.
And most painfully, the break up comes with name-calling, accusations and preposterous smear campaiging. – Because these aren’t really break-ups. What has happened here is, the sociopath has failed and is bailing. And now they need ot be sure the coast is clear to exit.
What’s Going On When a Sociopath Breaks Up With Us?
Sociopaths break up with us and we’re wondering what about all the promises? The sacrifices? What about the good times and the moments when they held us and laughed with us?!
How could they leave when we had so much in common, we wanted the same things! There was never such love! Everything and every part of us went into this relationship, we never loved so hard.
We gave it our all, we gave, and gave, and gave – just as they hoped we would. And they took. The more we gave the more they took, or the more they took the more we gave. Sociopaths “break up” with us because they’re done. And, When they’re “done”, when they bail, they need of all things, to make sure they’re safe.
If this article makes lightbulbs go off, think about recovery coaching sessions.
We only think it’s a break-up because we think we’re in a relationship. What we’re in is a true love scam with a con artist. Sociopaths, psychopaths – narcissists – use everyone in their lives… And yes, could be also those people you might be referring to as a narcissist.
This may be the first time a sociopath broke up with us but, they’ve done this a million-zillion times. Every predator knows the end of the run will come.
There will be the day we see too much, there will be the moment our bank account is empty, the day will arrive when newer, fresher more plump prey is lined up for the take-and-use.
It’s Critical for Healing That We Take In What Truly Happened
Let’s look at it for what it is: we were a resource not a partner in a relationship. The sociopath invaded our life to support their own.
They used us either as a piece of their public persona of respectability or as a ticket to a nice car, a cool place to live, a place to hide out, for food, laundry services, and the internet.
We’re not responsible for their inhumanity. We’re allowed to be exactly as we are.
Sociopaths, “Narcissists” Know the Fake-lationship Will End
When sociopaths break up with us, they’re not breaking up so much as bailing – because they failed. They’re leaving when we’ve seen too much when we’re pushing too hard with expectations and dragging them to therapists and pushing for answers.
In their minds we’ve become too annoying, we’re seeing too much. Think of it like in their minds, the candy store is going out of business. Or the bank is closing before they can make all the withdrawals they want to make.
What they get in the way of a mask and a halloas…a gateway to whatever they want. These jokers didn’t value us from the beginning aside from our value as an ATM. They’re just done. Plus, they know we’re getting close to catching on to what they really are, so they “break up” with us. Becaseu, they have, in fact, failed and so they must bail.
They prepare for the end, they expect the end. All along the way, they talk trash about us this isn’t something they do only at the end of it all. Along the way, it’s the setup for the end in which they need to look good, and so that we look bad once they bail.
They Tell Others We’re Evil, Crazy, Liars
Oh, they all, and I mean all, talk about us to make us look crazy and themselves look “innocent”; the trash-talking contributes, it’s called the smear campaign at the end, but rest assured it’s happening from day one.
Instead of giving them extra ammunition, to protect ourselves stay silent. This keeps our words from coming back to haunt us. These parasitic nut-bags tend to “re-purpose” our sincere and genuine pain for their gain.
Sociopaths Use Our Confusion to Their Advantage
They show our heartbroken, confused, and even angry text messages around to mutual friends… or post them on Facebook.
You know the messages I mean, these kinds of messages from us: “What are you saying? I don’t understand! What about next Friday, my parents are in town?! I love youuuuu!” – These end up reinterpreted on Facebook in posts to make their emphatic claim, “She’s crazy.” hold weight.
Seek Answers That Stop The Room From Spinning
Some of the people they try to convince we’re “crazy”will be people who hardly know them. These people won’t give what they say about us a second thought.
Most who hear the sociopath who broke up with us yammer on about how bad we were will have no desire to be caught in the strange heat of the whirlwind caused by sociopaths bellowing. You’re going to lose friends. There’s much loss in this madness. Find resolution to every loss.
The Loss of Friends and Family from Our Lives is Real
There will, unfortunately, be those who believe every word they say about us. As painful as this is, remember, these people are wrapped up in and blinded by the sociopath’s charms, remember when we were under his spell?
Sooner than later, those poor souls will have their own recovery to do when he leaves them holding whatever bag of loss he made in their lives.
Healing PTSD After a “Narc” or Sociopath Invasion is Possible
As soon as they go we are thrown into post-trauma because our time with them was traumatic. We’ll begin the suffering ride through post-traumatic stress. PTSD after a sociopath is no joke. – It is real. It is brutal. It is horrific, despairing, and gut-wrenching with a vat of utter aloneness and self-doubt on the side.
You know what? – For all that, PTSD after a monster is no match for us as the amazing, strong, loving women and men that we are. We are Super Heroes. We’re our own Angels. Blossom, expand our lives, embrace ourselves. Overcome the trauma and live fully in our greatness, as stellar human beings with colossal hearts.
Add these to your contacts so you don’t miss a newsletter! jennifer@truelovescam.com info@truelovescam.com
As a certified coach, upholding industry standards I strive to inform, educate, invite thought and dialogue, to co-plan, co-strategize, advise, consult, refer, recommend, train, teach, guide and coach people in guided recovery and discovery specific to these crimes, and from hell and broken in the aftermath to whole again, and more. You decide what winning is.
What can I do? My friend thinks she’s engaged to her dream man. They moved in together. He cheated, she kicked him out. He got arrested. She ran back to him. Classic.
Sociopaths suck us back in with their needs and trouble. They come up with fake illnesses or bogus victim stories – or create major and very real drama. They are more important than us.
Sociopaths, or narcissists are a whirlwind of chaos when they’re in our lives. The deception has no limits, they know no boundaries. They steal and lie and assault and abuse. They ruin lives.
I can’t believe my friend has fallen into the clutches of a freak-sociopath! – And, then again, I can.
She’s exactly the kind of woman a sociopath hunts: magnanimous, loyal, determined, strong, smart, loving. She’d recently been through other loss and grief. Paradoxically she was at a peak in the game of life.
She’s at a pivotal point in making a career and finishing huge accomplishments. Sociopaths, predators are attracted to the upswing in our lives – so they can suck the life out of it and get all the goodies.
Sociopaths Target Strong Achievers Not Doormats
Sociopaths go for targets who are loyal, trusting, forgiving. They victimize those who invest in relationships above having casual relationships. They look for empathy. In other words, they’re looking for regular normal humans who are wired as such. Empathy is one of the first things they need to tap. In the early moments there’s a “test” for empathy; they tell a story about their own victimization, such as abuse as a child. It’s usually a lie, and certainly not a piece of what makes them what they are.
This particular lie is an to probe for and to test our reaction. If we’re sympathetic to the correct degree they know they can leach us dry. Sociopaths – and the ones you might be calling a narcissist who are actually pathological – are attracted to strong, loving, responsible, hard workers who strive as achievers. Very often the nab us when we’re at a good place in their lives. They are drawn to the smell of our success… it equals pay-day and jack-pot to them.
“Often very smart, successful people fall for their scams — and then the sociopath has more to gain. What is socially seen as more respect, more money, entree to broader circles of a caliber they might not reach on their own; associates and colleagues of the person they’re scamming.”
Sociopaths scramble the brains of their prey. It’s a brainwashing. A hostage set-up. What do we do when people we love, love sociopaths? What do we do when we have the horrible realization: my friend is dating a sociopath. Would a friend dating a sociopath believe us if we bring out the truth behind the sociopath’s lies?
It seems to me if my friend is dating a sociopath and I make negative reports of her beloved – she’s going to ignore me or feel betrayed by me and in both cases hold tighter to the sociopath.
Damage All-Around
It breaks my heart to know first hand the damage being done and the grief to come. Should we just tell our friends: Hey, by the way, he’s a sociopath. – And then point out all the obvious things like sociopaths are liars and bad actors. Sociopaths have a zillion women at once.
And the difference between just supporting our friend, hinting he’s not good enough for her, or straight out breaking the: your man is a sociopath, significant news. Do we say something?
Here’s What I Watched Happen: My friend hung onto him, she got fired from her job. She was evicted from the house they were renting. Her phone was cancelled for non-payment. Some of her belongings were “stolen.” She lost friends. She got pregnant by him, then had a miscarriage. She ignored her own life in favor of doing his bidding – without being asked. She spent all her energy on him. Chaos and drama were on the menu night and day.
Friends Dating a Sociopath Need True Friends
Stand by. Listen. Be there. Never judge. Study what a sociopath is. Study up on what normal humans do in normal relationships and realize our friend believed this was normal and while participating in “normal” the road became more and more twisted because – without them knowing it – nothing was normal.
With a sociopath we start out on a road we think is a mutual path paved with love into our own gorgeous land of harmony and possibility that exists because that’s what the two of us are “together.” There’s sunshine, birds singing, rainbows – but no rain – pots of gold, blue skies, and hearts dancing and flitting around our heads like butterflies.
We Feel Like Heaven
Our world feels like nirvana, heaven – the jackpot – the perfect life. We’re all in. Our new address is cloud nine. We relationship build, give, make, bake, create, fix, move forward, climb mountains to make things happen for us – because that’s what one does in fantastic relationships.
Without realizing it, we’re not making a magnificent masterpiece of a life on a bicycle built for two – we’re digging a gnarled, dark, deep, tangled hole into the center of hell – where we’re headed all by ourselves.
A View From the Rear
We see this just as the sociopath trips off into his own disgusting future with all our things on his back in a rotting knapsack we mistook for his beautiful soul. The life-shattering shock of realizing all was a lie has no words to tell it.
Maintain confidence in our friends and their life. Give them the benefit of the doubt. – Have hope that is unshakable – a hope that is utter confidence that the very traits of goodness and loyalty he chose her for will save her escape from him. And I remember: There is always possibility in the morning.
Add these to your contacts so you don’t miss a newsletter! jennifer@truelovescam.com info@truelovescam.com
As a certified coach, upholding industry standards I strive to inform, educate, invite thought and dialogue, to co-plan, co-strategize, advise, consult, refer, recommend, train, teach, guide and coach people in guided recovery and discovery specific to these crimes, and from hell and broken in the aftermath to whole again, and more. You decide what winning is.
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