The best sex ever. No sex at all. Painful torturous sex. You sleep in one room, they’re in another. Refusal to wear condoms. No eye contact… Despair.
Sociopaths and sex. This is a profoundly confusing element of the true love scam. For some, they find the sex better than any they’ve ever had. For most, this goes south just like all the other pieces of the entrapment by a pathological person in what we first perceive and believe to be a relationship with someone normal.
Naturally, as normal people embarking on a relationship, sex is on the list of things that matter most to establish and maintain a relationship.
Breaking up with evil is an odyssey through hell on steroids. It seems that no one understands what we’re going through. How do we cope and recover when we feel so alone?
So, you got to the day when you knew you had to break away, and you did it! Congratulations!You’re amazing, courageous, incredible and gorgeous inside and out. But then: the aftermath… When the real hell breaks loose. Everyone of us finds this shocking since we’d been living in hell for a while by the time we ended this “relationship”.
…A relationship is hardly what we ought to call it at this point, and for good reason, which we’ll get to a little later. Let’s reserve that peek into the heart of the deep-darkside of this mess.
As for now, in the aftermath, when the “break up” has happened, after we’ve gotten either them or ourselves out of a shared home, we’re struggling. Confused, grasping, frozen, and so, so scared. This is the emotional landscape pathological predators and users inspire without their trying – it just is the way it is. Who can we turn to?
We Know Somethings Wrong: We Don’t Know What
Let’s start at the beginning of the whole schemer. We, each, naturally, entered into what we thought was a relationship with a kindred spirit. These hijackings are most often described as a dream-come-true kind of soul-mate match.
And to the next person that tells you this malarkey: That you had to know they and the amazingness of them was fishy because, if it seems too good to be true, it isn’t…You tell them from me: There are very, very good things that are very true.
Don’t let anyone tell you the reason this happened is because you missed something, or have a broken picker, or don’t have boundaries. It isn’t. This happens because evil people exist.
It happens like this: An ordinary day, our usual routine – or maybe we’re out somewhere we usually don’t go. We meet someone, like them, believe them, trust them. This is all normal and our right as humans on planet earth.
And with this person, we had a certainty that we’d met a person of amazing character and quality. As it turns out, we didn’t and they aren’t: and they know it. And further they know that we don’t know that they’re a lying, deceiving snake, and that’s just how they want it for as long as possible so they can use us and take things from us. That makes them rotten and wrong: not us.
The trauma and post trauma of being scammed by a pathological user that we loved and trusted our life with is singular.
Naturally, as we became a couple – still not realizing the pull of their influence of natural dark and hellish coercion – we stick with them and stay in what we think is a side-by-side love-match. We look forward to our bright future together. Yet unbeknownst to us, rather than side-by-side, we’re not on the same page…Not in the same book. Heck, not in the same time warp or galaxy.
It’s fairly early on that we feel weird. There are inconsistencies, odd things that happen, that they say… And we rationalize. Or ask and are rebuffed or worse. Or don’t ask at all. Because of what we are as normal humans – mixed with, colliding with what they are as sociopathic entities: we stay, we continue to rationalize or set questions aside. This is the normal way of things when someone is ensorcelled under coercive control by a sociopathic “person”.
This kind of entrapment can happen to anyone at any time in life. There are even those of us who have a sociopath parent, sibling, or child. For some of us, we met this evil as teenagers. We might have spent our teenage years to now, living in a slow simmering turmoil and chaos until landing here; arriving puzzled, in pain, and oh, so, so sad and exhausted.
Breaking Up With Evil
Breaking Up with Evil: Escaping Coercive Control on Amazon
Five women’s true stories of being ensnared hauled through the confusion, lies, fear, and pain, and breaking away.
Told in their own words, they leave nothing unsaid. Find validation and see new glimpses of the truth as they share their stories… Stories that could be any of ours.
This pile of steaming confusion is something we can barely breathe inside of, or comprehend as our minds and bodies and stomachs churn every minute. Our friends…?
They didn’t understand when we were in it, and now, now that we’re making an exit, and mining discoveries that burn our eyeballs and bring up breakfast, they will understand far less.
It feels like we’re at the onset of a walk through the fire, a ride through a tsunami on a piece of cardboard.
Though We Can Barley Stand, We Need to Talk
We want, need and deserve answers that are real. Our chance at full recovery is within knowing the truth. A truth beyond the standard explanations.
As we go through the mind-bending maze of breaking up with evil, we need to talk and tell and retell…. because: we’re trying to figure out why this happened, what happened and how someone could do this to someone they professed to love. We’re mid-traumatic-event with more life-shaking discoveries ahead.
Real Answers: Real Recovery
Post Traumatic Stress is Real
We’re in post-trauma because the time spent as “a couple” when that other person is an antisocial psychopath is a traumatic event, yet not a typical traumatic event. Rather than a short-lived one-time event it’s sustained trauma and is in our daily life.
By typical traumatic event, I mean a natural disaster, a car accident, or physical attack by a stranger, or in war. The events which people often don’t want to talk about, can’t talk about and might be told by some not to talk about… yet these events are accepted. No one questions someone about the validity of having their house robbed, but sustain a life-jacking…? Somehow it’s supposed that we’re to blame.
Post Trauma is Where Healing Starts
The trauma and post-trauma of being scammed by a pathological user that we loved and trusted our life with are singular. This is someone we loved, yet now we’re absorbing: that they didn’t love us after all.
The discovery that they lied is traumatic. We do want and need to tell our story because we’re looking for answers at every retelling. We’re stunned and unwinding the maze to see more of what happened… we need to. We talk about it a lot. We need to.
This is No Ordinary Break Up: It’s a Life-Saving Escape
As we’re in real trauma, and post-trauma, trying to make sense of what happened, we go over and over and over it. It’s the only thing on our minds. After about three weeks, people tell us to move on, thinking we’re in a normal break-up.
Not only does this not help, but it also isn’t possible: not until we do get the answers to what happened and how. We want, need, and deserve answers that are real. Our chance at full recovery is within knowing the truth. A truth beyond the standard explanations.
Defend and Explain Ourselves to No One
The inevitable and unavoidable post trauma has set up camp in our lives. The good news is: this is not the new us. How we’re feeling is normal; normal and not permanent.
Our impatient friends might tell us we’re obsessed. We might have taken on the idea that we’re obsessed, or that we’re ruminating or fixated. Anyone who suggests that is wrong. They don’t understand what breaking up with evil is.
We need to replay what happened until we find the answers. It’s the natural healing process the body is searching for answers our friends don’t have, and neither do we, yet. Believing we’re ruminating or obsessing blinds the truth. – Our body s doing what it does to find answers. Plug in new information and answers will seem to fall from the sky…
So, keep looking, turn it over and over. Please keep asking questions and looking for answers that slow and then stop the merry-go-round in our heads. Add the real information and truth about this phenomenon, realign the view of ourselves with compassion and facts about what normal is and we’re on the way.
It’s Too Unbelievable and Just too Much
Not only do people around us not understand our agitation, the way our hand tremors as we try to take another sip of tea and tell more, well… it frightens them. It’s all too much for them from the outside looking in at us breaking up with evil.
We can see that they can’t believe that we could’ve believed this person. They don’t understand that it’s normal to believe people. It’s not at all in their awareness that evil people exist even if they didn’t like the person we just broke up with.
We try to explain. What comes back eventually or immediately from others is most commonly along the lines of, You gotta admit, you made a bad choice. The response of friends and family blasts us with another shock, another punch in the gut.
We explain again, It wasn’t like that, it’s just not a regular break-up… this is more than that! We see a silent sideways glance and a look between or between our friends or our coworkers or our parents for the 500th time. Another punch in the gut and still, we want to explain, again…
They Can’t Take It
What if we’re on the threshold of a new discovery? As if we’re a part of the team that discovered the earth was round rather than flat?
Try to stop explaining it to others. No matter how profound and accurate about these beasts what you discover is, it’s exhausting. Keep in mind that no matter what, there’s no need to explain ourselves to anyone. There’s no call ever to defend yourself to those who don’t understand.
And sad to say but our explaining can take us to more loss, rather than support. After landing on more explanations for the behavior and more discoveries about what they’ve done we want to tell our friends. Instead, we look up and see that after about three months of this that our friends, even the best of our besties, have vacated the premises.
And – truth be told, nothing, none of those partial answers or standard explanations has stopped the room from spinning or eased the pain. We notice one of these sad days, that our pants are sliding down, and we weigh about 20-pounds less than we used to.
Post-Trauma Sits Down With Us and Stays Awake All Night With Us
In post-trauma, part of us is floating somewhere off to the right side of our head, another part of us is heavy in our gut, another part is aware of movements all around us… like thinking he’s about to show up around the corner.
It could be, that we barely notice the exodus of our friends, or weep when we notice, but really, we’re too busy trying to figure out what happened and why we’re in a ball on the floor, and can’t seem to even do the laundry.
We’re Hit Hard in Every Realm
We suffer emotional confusion, anxiety, fear… And possibly face real physical danger. We’re hit hard financially, and all but collapsed under the two-ton truck sucker-punch to the heart, body, mind, and soul. No one can begin to understand what this was or why we stayed unless they’ve been in it too. – And even then, real understanding is eluisve.
It seems the inevitable and unavoidable post-trauma has set up camp in our lives and is here to stay. The good news is: this is not the new us. How we’re feeling is normal; normal and not permanent: if we take in the information and new perspectives that answer every question, and can resolve every loss.
Most of us shiver in vacillating doubt of everything we think and feel. Most of all, we’re wondering if maybe we’re wrong and maybe after all they are the amazing people we first thought they were and that all this is in our head. Or, worse yet thoughts that we’re the problem, that we’re the evil.
The Room Stops Spinning When We Understand
Who feels like they’re going mad? Did every hand in the dark, reading this in bed go up? This is exactly how you would feel right now.
We’re solely occupied with replaying the scenes and conversations with them. Rewinds and reviews of even those moments we thought of as “fun” cycle on repeat… Because we must know what that confusion, the head-spinning upheavals, and the gut-punch actually meant.
One thing we know for sure: no one understands as we do battle in breaking up with evil. We didn’t and don’t understand… that’s why we got online… that’s what led us here, to this page. Finally, we’ve found a place where understanding this is the pathway to restoring your life. All those questions, all those replays hold the answer when we find the keys to unlock them.
We’re doing something big here, we’re effecting paradigm shifts that will redirect the trajectory of our own lives, and of all humanity.
These vivid and haunting images and revamps with new endings of a happier ending (if only we’d done something differently), is an effort by the body to find answers. Please know, this is normal, and this will continue until we get real answers.
Talking about it, and seeking reasons that make sense is a necessary piece to unwinding the madness. Each of us is spinning, retching, crying, confused, panicked, maybe scared out of our minds. Frantically, we’re wondering if we are losing it and if all this isn’t our fault.
All of this is normal under the circumstances. How many of you are doubting your selves? – That’s normal too. Please don’t acquiesce in shame under the popular opinion that we allowed this. Please, don’t stop until you get answers that make real sense, and honor you.
There Are Answers: The Most Healing Answers of All
The thing is, if we keep looking at it purely from our emotional pain, we might not see the answers. We’ll want something to crack the mystery of the crazy… new information that plugs into our replay to reveal the pure and simple truth of what happened and why.
There’s more to this than gaslighting. Hoovering happens, or doesn’t happen for a very specific reason. Deflection, projection, and the silent treatment are not random nor what they seem. Every piece of this has two combined paradoxical and very simple explanations; a hideous one, and a gorgeous one. Those are the only two sides to the breakup.
The fact is, getting to this new point of knowing the answers and certainty of them and the why is full healing, but it’s a long walk from here to there. We need someone to talk to. There are answers. Real answers that leave us whole again, all of them, right here.
Discovery and Awakening
We’re each on a mission, together; and together, we’re not alone, and we do understand.
For most of us, breaking up with evil is a solo journey. The impending isolation and alone-ness are colossal on one hand, yet we’re among hundreds-of-thousands who’ve gone through this, and are part of a mass awakening: an awakening to the brutal depths of the sinister-side of humanity; we’re advancing all together, and alone as we evolve as humans.
Together, yet as individuals. Interconnected and interdependent and each on our own. There’s a collective transformation of consciousness underway, and we’re leading as the advance guard, as pioneers. So, no, everyone won’t understand, but we must; we must have answers.
Together We Understand, Heal, and Make Change
In breaking up with evil, others from the outside looking in, might think we’re only breaking up with some really bad guy or really awful woman… and have lost our minds, or should have known better… Think again world, because that’s no kind of answer; that’s founded in grave misunderstanding and missed opportunity.
What if we’re on the threshold of a new discovery? As if a part of the team that discovered the earth was round rather than flat? What if we’re part of a human revolution to avert the world from crumbling under self-absorbed destruction, and toward a unified realization that we’re of infinite value; that we each create our lives, and can make love-not-war, peace and joy, and happiness for all a reality?
We’re doing something big here. By finding the real answers behind these sickening traumas, we’re effecting paradigm shifts that will redirect the trajectory of our own lives, and of all humanity. – As I see it, we’re each a part of a much larger situation. We’re each of us who’ve been through this on a mission together, and together, we’re not alone.
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As a certified coach, upholding industry standards I strive to inform, educate, invite thought and dialogue, to co-plan, co-strategize, advise, consult, refer, recommend, train, teach, guide and coach people in guided recovery and discovery specific to these crimes, and from hell and broken in the aftermath to whole again, and more. You decide what winning is.
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Used and abused are never excused. Be sure it’s the abuser who takes the blame and the fall. Finally, let’s expose this phenomenon for what it is.
Used and abused is something people kept quiet about. And earlier still, it wasn’t thought of as “bad”; it was okay for example, to beat your wife. These days we know this isn’t okay by any means.
At this point, abuse is talked about in terms of what is “done to us” by an abuser. We speak about it from the angle of what the abuser is doing.
Signs We’re Used or Abused: The New Lexicon Around It
This is prevalent now, and we’ve got a 21st-century lexicon to describe abuse, and what the narcissistic abuser has done.
We’ve got the new language to talk about abuse; what that person did and said to us meant to describe and determine if we’re used or abused.
These are the words our moms and grandmas didn’t have. These new words, “devalue”, “discard”, “gaslight”, and “hoover” are meant as proof that we’re abused and describe what’s being done to us by an abuser.
Abuse is talked about as “love bombing, ghosting, punishing, mirroring, projecting, devaluing, discarding”. Abusive partners belittle us, lie to us, cheat on us, and take our money. Then, order us around, make us cry, and do stuff just to make us mad.
They always break promises. It seems like they like to hurt us. Abusers throw things at us, yell, disappear, and so much worse. And mostly it’s all so much more indefinable.
The problem with this viewpoint is, that it makes their behavior the problem. Isn’t the real problem that we’re miserable? We can point at what they do all we like, but how does this help us?
Breaking Up With Evil
Breaking Up with Evil: Escaping Coercive Control on Amazon
Five women’s true stories of being ensnared hauled through the confusion, lies, fear, and pain, and breaking away.
Told in their own words, they leave nothing unsaid. Find validation and see new glimpses of the truth as they share their stories… Stories that could be any of ours.
In friendships and work situations and in love, normal people stay. Normal people try when things are tough. And try more.
That’s what normal, amazing, gorgeous humans are wired to do. It’s what we’re taught to do. There’s nothing wrong with us. There’s everything right with us.
It’s just that we can’t recognize the horror or the mortuary of a mind that sits inside a predator sociopath’s head until we see it in particular and stark contrast to normal.
We don’t see it until “normal” isn’t working to change any of the problems between us. — That’s normal. It takes as long as it takes.
The Podcast: Narcissistic Abuse Unwound
A Definition of Abuse Based on How we Feel Rather than What They Do
The tell-tale signs of abuse, or of being used by someone who cannot love, show up in more reliable ways than in the behaviors of the abuser. We can call them a narcissist, a narc, a narcopath.
By any name we might label them with, their behavior is that of a sociopath. and the fact is, that the abuse and predatory dynamics show up in messages from our bodies and in our emotions immediately. We don’t always recognize these signals for what they are. The sooner we can open to the possibility that this is something we’ve never seen before, know next to nothing about, and be willing to take in what it might be, the better.
1. We Feel Like We’re in a Movie:
This relationship, finding this person, life with this person feels lifted out of reality in the best way! Out at a restaurant, a party, or even going grocery shopping with them feels like we’re living out scenes from a movie.
Relationships are said to be “hard”. People say relationships take “work”. In my experience: When it’s right, it’s easy and bad behavior or feeling bad is never part of the equation.
2. We Feel Like We Can’t Live Without Them:
Much to our own surprise, we feel we’ll die without them. In a dramatic figurative way… and kinda literally. We feel panic at the thought of never seeing them again, and, this emotion of our own, inspired by them, is what hooks us hard.
The deep hook happened like this: I sat a few feet from the con man. We’d known each other three days. I knew he had to fly back to his own country in a few months. At the thought of his leaving a sense of panic that I’d never see him again roiled up from the pit of my gut. Surprised by this creeping dread rising to take me over, I pulled in a breath to ask,“When’s your ticket back?’” He paused, looked up from under his lowered brows, then uttered a departure date barely two weeks away.
Tsunamis of emotion crashed together in my body. Profound all-consuming panic that I’d never see him again hit up against knowing this was an absurd way to feel, and a third thought wondering why I panicked crashed into those. But, I got no answer. Before I could get myself together, his voice, low and dark came through the fog, intimacy slicing my skin and dripping into my bones, “You’re afraid you’ll never see me again aren’t you?”
Fear ran through me; all I could do was try to look normal. I felt small. There were no words I could say. I willed my head to make a single nod. I surprised myself again when a barely voiced, “Yaaaaaaa,” dribbled from my mouth on the one wisp of air left in my lungs. We were married four days later. He didn’t take that flight.
3. We Feel Confused:
Our bodies on a primal, instinctive level know something’s wrong when we’re entrapped in a scam relationship. It’s our social and cultural mind that has to catch up.
Foggy-brained, we wonder if things are what we think they are. It’s natural and the way our brains are wired to rationalize and make exceptions or excuses for their behavior and for how we feel. Because they’re pathological, this normal human function is exaggerated and bent further to their favor.
Without being super aware of it, we change our ideas about what’s “okay”. We even bend our idea of what a relationship is meant to be in order to make this one continue. This is normal under their invisible influence of coercive control.
4. We Feel Disconnected: Communication is Spotty or Painful:
We feel stupid and like we’re a bother for trying to talk with them. It’s rare we talk together about anything real.
Conversation sticks on shallow or it’s only about household things. It’s texts that fizzle into emojis and arguments. We’re ignored – sometimes for days at a time. They blame us for why they won’t talk to us.
When is “bad” bad enough to trust our gut and our feelings over their behavior? To leave one of these parasitic users it takes a certain moment when a switch flips.
5. We Feel Shut Out – There Are “Mystery” People:
We feel compartmentalized. While we build the relationship we’re hitting roadblocks… in the form of attention they give to other people.
They explain a person they message late at night as a “friend” or say, “she’s my sister” or an “ex” that won’t leave them alone. We know something is wrong… That nagging feeling that they have someone else in their life is profound. This is beyond a “girlfriend”. This is a deeper secret. Some block us from their social media, and rage if we post photos of us together.
How bad does it get before we gather the clarity and courage to go? As bad as it needs to be. It takes as long as it takes. There’s nothing wrong with us.
6. We Feel at Arm’s Length:
Somethings missing. As much as we think we know them and their lives, there are many, many holes in the picture.
Maybe we don’t know where they live exactly or what they do for work exactly. There’s a pattern – even a pattern of uncertainty, or abrupt changes in the time we spend together.
We’re not sure where they drive off to when they leave us. We see him or her only late on Wednesdays and sometimes Friday night and only at our place.
He talks about us getting married, but… it stays out of reach. – Or we live in different towns or different countries.
7. We Feel Ganged-Up On:
We’re left hung out to dry. When the arguments and conflicts that come up between us are shared with friends or family might side with others against us.
Their family or so-called friends sabotage our plans or our efforts to bring the family together or to fix problems in the relationship. We’re sucker-punched by it every time.
We feel sad and stupid for wanting to know normal things like when they’ll be home. Or when we’re really going to meet. We suspect they aren’t where they say.
They say it’s a meeting they’re running off to, but… They say they’re going out of town for work, but… She said it was a trip to see her mom, but… it feels offand we feel bad. It’s like we’re constantly stepping out for the next stair and nothing is there.
9. We’re Not Fulfilled: Intimacy is Absent, Exaggerated, Forced, or Conditional:
The bond doesn’t deepen as the days go by. We have sex, but it starts to feel impersonal, sad or bad, and lonely. Or they won’t have sex with us and they get mad if we try to heat things up.
They tell us they can’t be “intimate” – for some reason. There’s a shifting of the issue onto us: they tell us we want too much sex or sex too much. Or they force sex. Maybe they video us, or ask if someone can join in… You might pretty much know they’re doing it with someone else.
We feel despondent and also desperate to please them in the absence of real intimacy. The natural thing that occurs is that within our minds we begin to substitute small things as signs of big closeness and as a sign that they do love us after all.
We start to think we’re super-loved by them when they do something super-small – like take the garbage out.
Tiny things take the place of intimate depth. We try harder, cook better, bake more, wash better, make more money, hurry faster, and give again and again. This is normal; there is nothing wrong with us. Staying is normal, trying is normal. Nothing changes, however, except we feel more and more alone and sad and worthless. Yet, eventually, this is what feeds into the whole thing falling apart.
Staying Silent is Normal
Sometimes the greatest lies are told in silence. We feel ashamed, hurt, isolated, and alone when they come at us in sex on overdrive. Drugs might become a way to cope with the unwanted or “off” sexual scenarios.
We try to convince ourselves dominance and ropes or sex only on Wednesday afternoons, or only if we’re “good” is okay.
We try to convince ourselves that one thing they want to do… is okay – when really, we don’t like it and don’t want it we feel stranded on an island of pain floating further and further away from love. And further and further from our life as we know or want it.
Emotions are messages from our body; feelings are how our mind feels about those emotions. The meaning we give them leads us to safety or trouble.
Pulled in many directions we float, almost out-of-body, and try to collect the pieces. We’re caught between our partner and our kids, between our partner and our parents.
There’s a panic, a lump of nausea in our gut, we try to bring things into focus, into line. We try to meet the regular needs of our kids, work, and family, and at the same time feel out of step with our partner and everything else.
Our mind is on figuring out the indefinable needs of our partner, resolving the rough bits, and making things look happy and great to everyone else. Mostly we feel like we’re failing, sinking. Constantly agitated and anxious, we hope no one notices.
11. We’re Uneasy: There’s Fighting and the Silent Treatment:
The bottom line is, that we’re afraid and apprehensive, cautious about how we approach them. If we ask where they went or if they’ve got $95 dollars to pay the cable bill the roof gets blown off the house with their indignant anger.
Ask why they came home so late and then don’t talk to us for three days. Wonder out loud why the gas tank is already on empty and we’re treated to rage from hell. – Sometimes even certain words we use make them angry.
Normal humans take responsibility for the problems in a relationship. The thing is, we aren’t in relationships when these things are going on. We’re hijacked by a user.
We feel like we might get something wrong and upset them. Certain “rules” or patterns fall into place and seem expected. We can’t break the rhythm that’s been set, a routine that caters to them. Maybe they tell us what to wear, or not wear. Where to go, or not go. When we can talk to our mom or tell us not to talk to our mom. Maybe… they get physical or make threats.
13. Abused Leads us to Feel We’re in the Wrong or We’re the Problem:
Feeling it’s our fault makes us feel like we don’t fit in, even in our own home. If we bring up the troubling thoughts on our minds, they tell us we’re imagining things They say if trusted them, didn’t question them, or could be patient, everything will be fine. They tell us because we’re so suspicious we’re ruining everything. We feel worse, nothing is resolved, and we feel less and less “at home”.
They say the most ridiculous things, and we try to make sense of them. That’s what “normal” does. Our brain and body do this naturally. We need things to make sense. We need harmony.
14. We Feel Like They Don’t Care About Important Things In Our Life:
In abuse, “supported” and “heard” go by the wayside; things we care about don’t faze them. Things in our lives we’d expect the person we’re dating or married to have an opinion about seem to never hit their radar. We get no response, or an odd reaction when our goldfish or our mom dies instead of any level of compassion.
We might get a blank stare, or a shrug and a grumble that doesn’t fit the circumstances – leaving us feeling like we’re falling through the air.
The fact is, our concerns and problems irritate them and put them on the spot. Our emotions threaten them from getting what they want. Sociopaths cannot relate to, feel, or understand the feelings we have. They truly don’t care. We see this in how they walk away so easily.
15. Things Aren’t a Two-Way Street:
We feel let down and like the only one “giving”. Things are one way for them and another for us. We feel like we don’t count. They can use our car or take our money to go meet someone for lunch, but we can’t freely borrow their iPad let alone their car (if they have one.) – When they do use our things they “adopt” them as if our Kindle or book bag is now theirs.
Maybe we do their laundry or stop by and feed their dog, but they’re unreliable or absent in support of us. Their birthday is a big deal, ours is usually not.
Typically on any holiday, we get nothing from them. We’re tending to their needs – and it seems expected, while they ignore our needs – unless – by reciprocating they get money, access to others they can make use of, or a place to live or something else they need or want.
16. We Feel We’re Being Lied To:
Things aren’t adding up. When they say certain things there’s a lurch in the pit of our stomach that floats up to shimmer in the back of our mind: something is not right. – And then sometimes they say the oddest things, that make no sense like: “You only think you love me. If you knew who I really was you wouldn’t love me.”
17. We Feel Like We’re in a Nightmare:
We know we have no idea what’s going on. This is like nothing we’ve ever known. We did what people do in relationships and tried, and tried, and nothing changed. Then we’re scared. – Now, instead of feeling, that we’ll die without them, we feel we’ll die because of them.
Confusion, Exclusion, and Fear Signal We’re Being Used
These feelings signal this person isn’t into us for a normal or genuine reason. We’ve been put in a box for their personal use or gain and “normal” is never going to happen. Confusion and self-doubt are symptoms of the trauma and post-trauma of the deception and emotional or physical harm and of being used.
These feelings signal our “mate” has a life they keep us from. They more than likely have a past or current life we know nothing about.
They’re often married, usually live with someone, and have children we don’t know about. Have habits that are destructive, criminal records, or behavior that should be a crime if it isn’t.
Having these feelings within a relationship or friendship indicates our friend or partner is what people call a “narcissist”, from the DSM definitions of NPD. – But is usually a much more serious danger, an antisocial psychopath, known as a sociopath commonly a con man, a scammer. – Sociopaths cannot have genuine relationships and only bring inevitable harm.
Trust Our Gut: Our Instincts Have Real Meaning
We don’t have a feeling that something’s wrong for no reason. This feeling itself is proof that something is wrong. – Proof you’re being disrespected, deceived, and worse. These pathological users make use of others and have no genuine feelings of care or love for any others. They have no physiological, biological, mental, or emotional capacity to have these feelings. They never have and never will. – This is not because of us – it’s because of them.
Our feelings are proof. There’s no more proof needed. People like this cannot change. A sociopath wouldn’t want to change if they could.
This is a situation that will only escalate in harm and danger to us. It could be said these aren’t relationships, but an invasion or take-over for the convenience of the user. – A crime of deception. We’re being used.
Trust our gut. We don’t have these feelings without reason. Stand up for our lives. Give ourselves the benefit of the doubt. We’re worthy and deserve all good things in life and love.
Add these to your contacts so you don’t miss a newsletter! jennifer@truelovescam.com info@truelovescam.com
As a certified coach, upholding industry standards I strive to inform, educate, invite thought and dialogue, to co-plan, co-strategize, advise, consult, refer, recommend, train, teach, guide and coach people in guided recovery and discovery specific to these crimes, and from hell and broken in the aftermath to whole again, and more. You decide what winning is.
Affiliate links are in every True Love Scam Recovery article. Clicks on these links provide minor compensation to keep the site running. www.truelovescam.com and its agents are not licensed as attorneys, medical doctors, psychiatrists, psychologists, or therapists. See the entire and full True Love Scam Recovery Privacy Policy and Legal Agreement and Disclaimer here. Thank you.
Monsters know they’re monsters. Narcs know they’re sociopaths. Sociopaths know they’re sociopaths. We don’t need to act as if they don’t and aren’t. That’s how we win.
Monsters know what they are. Monsters like who and what they are. And yet, we’re spinning here, seeing our world turn in circles and go nowhere but backward. Because that’s the natural effect they have on normal.
It’s the rest of us – the non-monsters – who have a hard time knowing they exist. The facts are, that monsters in “relationships” don’t want what we want. They aren’t there for the reason we are. Not for one tiny moment, not even one millisecond. Nothing is shamed mutual moment.
Normal is, as Normal Does: Normal Does as Normal Is
As any normal person would, when things first went wrong we defined what was happening through our normal ideas about relationships and our normal human point of view.
We’re normal and normal has its own special “lens” we use to look at the world. We might not think much about that, but it’s true.
We assume people are “good” like we are that all people share, for the most part, a core value system that is inspired by, “do unto others…”
Even if we disagree about big things like gun rights, abortion, immigration, or our favorite color. Even if we’re different in other ways we do feel there’s a shared baseline of “good” and rules we all follow about social behavior.
For this reason, as we fell down the rabbit hole, we naturally and blamelessly endowed the love of our life – the sociopath with a quality of humanity that unfortunately, does not exist inside their bodies, hearts, minds, or souls. (Even if you’re calling them a narc, narcopath, narcissist, psychopath, or any word.)
Sociopaths know they’re sociopaths. Narcs know they’re sociopaths. Most of the creatures we’re calling narcissists are sociopaths. These monsters know they’re monsters. It’s the rest of us who have a hard time knowing they exist. We don’t need to act as if they don’t and aren’t what they are.
Innocently and with pure-hearted hope, we explained away their odd habits and missteps. We found and still find after they’re gone in many cases, reasons, or explanations for those bizarre reveals-from-behind-the-mask.
As normal humans with fully limbic “feeling-based” brains have room to think, maybe, that’s just the way they are. We might decide to give them space based on an “issue” we’d work on as a couple. We give them more time… That’s normal. Because we assumed that the “monster” was a manageable version of “normal”. That assumption is 100% normal and something we do as regular, normal people who bond and care, and connect.
Breaking Up With Evil
Breaking Up with Evil: Escaping Coercive Control on Amazon
Five women’s true stories of being ensnared hauled through the confusion, lies, fear, and pain, and breaking away.
Told in their own words, they leave nothing unsaid. Find validation and see new glimpses of the truth as they share their stories… Stories that could be any of ours.
Antisocial personality disorder is the formal mental health diagnosis for what’s commonly referred to as “sociopathy.” People living with the condition are often labeled “sociopaths.” ~ Hope Gillette, Kendra Kubala, PsyD Psychology
Our natural understanding and compromising give them a hall pass to keep on stomping through our lives. We believed them when they told us about their childhood trauma that left them with PTSD or left them unable to be intimate. We believed their last girlfriend was crazy. This is because we’re good, not because of any special skill or intelligence they have.
When we love, we give. Monsters make use of, and take advantage of our goodness and our lack of really knowing and understanding that monsters exist. This is truly the psychopath’s only real intelligence.
What’s Love Got to Do with It?
When we fall in love involuntary changes go on in our bodies in we fall in that further mask the intentions and lies of the sociopath. Our zinging, swirling chemicals and altered state of excitement in a new relationship buy the sociopath time.
So, monsters, as in all they do, take advantage of what we are as fully limbic-brained humans. We don’t know about the parallel destructive existence shoving our lives in the wrong direction. They use the fact we don’t know the kind of creature that they really truly exist, let alone that it could be sleeping in our bed.
Narcissistic Abuse Unwound
Their Power Is An Illusion: It’s the Effect Of What They Are
Our “not knowing” about these monsters, is the entirety of their power and “currency.” Since there’s a limited supply of “not knowing” on our part, their dominance and influence falter and they topple.
Monster-predators (sociopaths, psychopaths, and what people refer to as a narcissist) expect this shift from the first, “hello“. Sociopath-monsters do try to override it by getting angry or making more promises… this is so they can hang on as long as possible. It all only lasts so long. Because we’re not dumb. Sociopaths are dumb.
Monsters Have a Mean/Nice Switch: Only Two Options
In between these roller-coaster ups and downs, they’re bored and fishing for a new target. – Their full emotional range is solely in reaction to their own perceived success at taking and using, keeping what they take, and going free.
Monsters have been here since the beginning of time. They’re even mentioned in classic American literature. The author and Nobel Prize winner, John Steinbeck contemplates the existence of sociopaths in his stunningly comprehensive and beautiful award-winning novel, East of Eden, published in 1952, and later made into a film starring James Dean.
A female sociopath comes into the lives of two unmarried brothers by chance. East of Eden tells the odyssey of the brothers’ lives and their children’s lives affected by this sociopath, who plays a minor character but drives their fate. Chapter eight begins:
“Just as there are physical monsters, can there not be mental or psychic monsters born? The face and body may be perfect, but if a twisted gene or malformed egg can produce physical monsters, may not the same process produce a malformed soul?”
~ John Steinbeck, East of Eden
Monsters Need Us for Their Survival: We’re Unwitting Hosts to a Parasite
Narcissistic sociopaths need their emotional response or connection to survive or succeed. To put an end to our vulnerability to sociopaths understand how sociopaths think. Assess and judge what they do, based on their true intentions; use the thinking of a sociopath to evaluate what happened rather than our emotional brain and we set ourselves free.
As more and more of us individually and collectively comprehend what these humans without humanity are they will diminish, and their effect will be neutralized. Monsters know they’re different. They know that if we knew what they really were and are really up to, we would not accept them, this is why they hide.
Seeing What They Are Illuminates Our Great Goodness
As we see what they are, by contrast, we see how gorgeous a fully human person is. The human being as intended, not perfect, but filled with innate trust, goodness, and kindness, living a life interconnected and interdependent with one another.
This is surely the only way to give the existence of the monster-humans meaning or purpose and the way to transform our grief, loss, and pain into something good and to find ourselves more deeply appreciating life itself.
A single word can scar another. A single word can also give comfort and relief or fill one’s spirit with courage. The care with which we use words reflects the depth of our humanity. ~ Daisaku Ikeda
Add these to your contacts so you don’t miss a newsletter! jennifer@truelovescam.com info@truelovescam.com
As a certified coach, upholding industry standards I strive to inform, educate, invite thought and dialogue, to co-plan, co-strategize, advise, consult, refer, recommend, train, teach, guide and coach people in guided recovery and discovery specific to these crimes, and from hell and broken in the aftermath to whole again, and more. You decide what winning is.
Affiliate links are in every True Love Scam Recovery article. Clicks on these links provide minor compensation to keep the site running. www.truelovescam.com and its agents are not licensed as attorneys, medical doctors, psychiatrists, psychologists, or therapists. See the entire and full True Love Scam Recovery Privacy Policy and Legal Agreement and Disclaimer here. Thank you.
Sociopaths have sex, a lot. Sociopaths have sex for only two reasons. Love’s got nothing to do with it. So what is it exactly?
Sociopaths have sex – or refuse to have sex for precisely two reasons. Pretty much for the same two reasons they do and say anything and everything they do or say. The reality as well as the rumors of great sex with a sociopath fall short.
Sociopath Lovers Fake It: They Do Not Love or Like or Care
There’s no “love life” with a narcissistic sociopath. We genuinely think we feel love for them and perceive their feelings toward us as love (at least in the beginning). They know that they don’t love us, and they know that we don’t know that they don’t love us.
They depend on us not knowing. We assume it’s real because, well that’s what normal people do. We don’t know there’s an option for evil predator rather than really amazing person.
Predatory parasites swoop in and make grand declarations of love and devotion. Here’s the deal any presentation of emotional interest or caring or attraction that the overwhelmingly amazing person you can’t believe you were lucky enough to meet makes: is fake.
We believe the relationship is real… until we don’t. The weirdness and the danger of sex with a sociopath is one of the holes in the picture-perfect life we thought we were building. This becomes one of the very painful pieces that lets us know things are very, very wrong.
In other words, sociopaths (narcissists) have sex as a useful means to get what they want, or for their own entertainment. Having sex brings us in, bonded, and right where they need us. And their own personal fun can run a gamete of variations and is essentially what their entire life is about: themselves.
2 Reasons Sociopaths Have Sex: None of Them are “Love”
To bait and hook targets.
For their own entertainment.
Sociopaths initiate sex with prey or reject targets sexually as the circumstances require. They don’t have sex with anyone unless they need to to get things, or want to for their own fun.
The Sociopath’s Aversion to Sex
These pathological users commonly reject their target’s sexually once the “relationship” is established. This happens a lot, especially within marriages or live-together scenarios, and comes with a bag full of excuses.
It’s another paradox in the madness; a sociopath refusing or rejecting prey in the sex department has the effect of keeping us at their side and trying even harder.
The refusal to engage sexually with us also arises from nay sociopaths’ chronic boredom. Out of their lack of connection and because after the marriage or the move-in the sociopath’s main goal has been completed. They’ve nabbed a roof, a bed, an address, a retreat, a home base, a legal foundation, and coverage for access to money, cars, and green cards.
The House Hop
They aren’t sticking close to hearth and home. Along with no attachment emotionally to anyone in their lives, a higher than average testosterone level and a profound need for distraction compel them sexually and like all things for the sociopath, there are no limits. Sociopaths have no sexual or any other boundaries.
Though they’ve tapped someone for some major gains, they are constantly focusing their attention on gaining other things, like more money, more of anything and everything. They cannot not be what they are.
For this reason, on the top of their to-do list is securing a place to live before we begin to see through them too deeply and before we kick them out. Sometimes this backup joint already exists and the unbelievable truth is they live with two or more women (or men) at the same time. In other instances, the next place they hop is a new spot, a new conquest, fresh prey.
Breaking Up With Evil
Breaking Up with Evil: Escaping Coercive Control on Amazon
Five women’s true stories of being ensnared hauled through the confusion, lies, fear, and pain, and breaking away.
Told in their own words, they leave nothing unsaid. Find validation and see new glimpses of the truth as they share their stories… Stories that could be any of ours.
Kissing is very intimate and sociopaths are not truly able to be intimate. Though some prey may be given the “pleasure” of being kissed by the sociopath who ensnared them; sociopaths avoid kissing many of their targets.
The sociopath (the narcissist) has no interest in being intimate and more so, has no physiological capability to be intimate or feel or express intimacy or love. They have no idea what intimacy is beyond getting inside people’s lives to make use of them.
Kissing is deeply personal and intimate. We see it in the movies, that age-old trade rule that sex workers won’t kiss because it’s the one thing they preserve for real intimacy rather than their work. The sociopath’s narcissism – and inability to be intimate – never takes a vacation, not even during sex.
Sociopaths love to make sex videos. The digital evidence that remains in their hands makes so many of us panic at the end; terrorized that the nut-job might post these online or give them to our family, or somehow use them against us.
In most cases those images are long-lost. Dumped, deleted, in a phone they don’t have anymore; and are of such lame quality and “production value” that no one can make out what’s going on or who’s in it anyway.
The taping is yet another way to remove intimacy, to further objectify the target. This distance and non-intimacy are the sociopath’s true feelings. We are objects to sociopaths.
Intimacy in sex is absent and faked by sociopaths. It’s buried in the request for “special sex” Super intimate because it’s things they’ve, “never done before with anyone.” Liars.
True story: one day a normal person and a narcissistic sociopath were on a “date”. The sociopath was hunting and honing in on this new target – the normal person. The normal person was feeling butterflies and asked a flirty early-days normal date-question, “What’s your ‘type’, what kind of women do you like?” The answer from her charming snake-of-a-date was one of those bizarre head-spinners when a sociopath tells the truth: “Any woman with an a$$-h*le.”
Sociopaths Love Anal Sex and Can’t Abide Condoms
There’s absolutely no positive, genuine, emotional care or attraction or depth from a sociopath towards their prey. So, there’s no difference for them between males or females or children or dogs or cats for that matter. Yes. Sociopaths have sex with adults, kids, and animals if they feel like it. Nothing is off bounds.
The absence of boundaries and the absence of love or care or intimacy anal sex is high on the sociopath’s list as sexual activity with its impersonal aspects. Additionally, they’re notorious for not wearing condoms – ever – with anyone they have sex with – and that means a whole heck of a lotta people.
Sex With a Sociopath Is Ultimately Horrific
When anal sex is demanded or expected by the sociopath, a lot of other things often go along with this. It can be forced, rough, coerced, or bribed.
The normal person is usually put in a situation where they feel this option is the last resort as far as making a connection with what we still believe is a true husband or boyfriend, girlfriend, or wife. Instead, the outcome is sadness, isolation, rejection, depression, shame, disappointment, despair, and health problems.
Sociopaths, Gender Fluidity and Child Abuse
Sociopaths are happy to – and diabolical enough, to have sex with anyone, male or female yet, we can’t really call them “bisexual” or “pansexual” since all sexual interaction is without true positive emotional bonding, like, love, care, or concern or connection; it isn’t based in a healthy attraction but in the goal of self-survival and ensnaring another target or simply for a high.
Sickening to say, but there are no age or family relationship barriers as far as who a sociopath might see as a likely sex object or entice or force into sexual activity. – Do all sociopaths do this… how can we know the answer to that? What we do know is better safe than sorry.
See Sociopaths – “Narcissists” – For What They Are
Learn what a sociopath really is. Accept it. Take it in. Know it in our bones. View their actions, and words from their tiny sick little mind. Let’s appreciate how amazing we are as fully functioning humans. Once we understand this we can spot a sociopath from a zillion miles away. Stay sociopath-free – forever.
Add these to your contacts so you don’t miss a newsletter! jennifer@truelovescam.com info@truelovescam.com
As a certified coach, upholding industry standards I strive to inform, educate, invite thought and dialogue, to co-plan, co-strategize, advise, consult, refer, recommend, train, teach, guide and coach people in guided recovery and discovery specific to these crimes, and from hell and broken in the aftermath to whole again, and more. You decide what winning is.
Affiliate links are in every True Love Scam Recovery article. Clicks on these links provide minor compensation to keep the site running. www.truelovescam.com and its agents are not licensed as attorneys, medical doctors, psychiatrists, psychologists, or therapists. See the entire and full True Love Scam Recovery Privacy Policy and Legal Agreement and Disclaimer here. Thank you.
No contact is the pathological users’ Achilles heel. When we don’t respond it scares them to pieces. That’s why they rage.
In a sociopath’s perfect world, there would be no such thing as no contact. Without contact, they have nothing. The thing is, for a narcissistic predator, their agenda is only possible with contact. The more consistent and deep the contact, the more harm we’re in for.
Pathological predators, that is a sociopath, or what you might be calling a narcissist, depend on keeping contact for their success. Their success is measured, by them in what they get, what they can take and what they can do and how little we oppose them.
Contact Keeps the Hunt Going
They must keep contact in order to get what they want and when we’re in contact, we’re balls of emotions. We’re in confusion and off balance which means there’s an open door for them straight into our lives. The success of their mind-bending effect on us is only possible through contact.
No contact is our freedom. Safety and freedom from a narcissistic user, a sociopath depends on establishing and keeping no contact. – Let’s look at the effect of contact from the first hello, to the day we go no contact.
In the early moments we meet them for the first time, they bombard us, overwhelm us, spin us off the ground, and into “love” with them. This is a quick process. Once they hook us, they need to keep yapping whenever they notice that the hook is slipping.
We take their words at face value. This is normal. Normal and natural for us, as fully functioning limbic-brained humans. In other words, it’s normal for us to believe what people say, to trust, bond, care, and feel connected.
The unfortunate thing we don’t know at this point is that the meaning of the words of this pathological predator is not found in the words themselves. Their words don’t have a normal meaning or a normal subtext. This is because their intention and their goal and purpose for being in our lives are far, far from normal… And love has nothing to do with it.
Their intention in our lives is not represented by the nice things they say… Nor by the mean things they say. Underneath it, all is a desire and purpose we can’t even imagine… And they need it this way.
They don’t want us to understand their actual meaning. In this effort they make sure, as best they can, to fake their intent and meaning. And they do their best to keep others from tipping us off. So, they separate us from family and friends. They keep us away from people who aren’t under their spell and see that they aren’t what they’re pretending to be.
They Separate Us from Others Who See Through Them
Everything they say is in hopes of their very simplistic and unwavering needs and wants. This is instinctive, it’s literally how their brains are wired, while a lot of other normal human things are missing from their brains. One of the qualities of their limited brains is limited language skills.
Even if they learn some big words and can string a long sentence together it’s nonsense. They usually use very short sentences. Even three-word sentences to nail us in place. Understanding the effect of their words on our emotions and thoughts is essential. They can’t have anyone interfering with the effect of their words upon us. This is a reason they separate us from our family, our friends, and others.
Please put aside the common interpretation that this isolation or separation is done out of their jealousy. It’s that they can’t have others alerting us to how full of hot air, and how creepy and weird they are. This is why the sociopath immediately creates an “us and them” existence.
The Subtle Separation
One such example… My sister lives three miles down the road for me. At the root of things, we’re very close. Really tight. We grew up almost as twins, yet we’re very different in relational dynamics. I’m open and smiling and laugh easily and talk to people everywhere I go. She’s more reserved, can seem stern, and isn’t as warm. She also doesn’t reach out the way that I do… So:
The fraudulent lying dirtbag I married used to say, your sister doesn’t love you. She didn’t even call you back. Pinging on the fact that, indeed, it is me who keeps my sister and I connected. It takes me calling or texting her three times or so before she calls me back.
And, he wasn’t exactly wrong… I could count on fewer fingers than I have on one hand the number of times in my life that my sister has called me spontaneously.
Because of their uncanny quality that causes us to have an exaggerated experience of normal emotions, this comment tapped hard at a raw little place inside me. If a normal human had said this, I’d have said, my sister loves me, she’s different than I am in how she shows it, but she’d kill for me... And that would have been the end of it.
Instead – because he’s a sociopath – this sideways comment led me to quickly and inefficiently sort through my mind asking myself: does she love me? doesn‘t she love me…? she doesn’t…or..? In this way, here I was suddenly teetering on the brink of stepping into the mush of bottomless ruinous quicksand of believing him. – this is how our world changes because of what they are.
And for all the hate they have for us, because they need us, the narcissistic-user-sociopath will hold on as long as possible.
The sore spot of truth inside my life that this comment hit metaphorically knocked me to my knees in a deep psyche kind of way. When we’re under their spell, sociopaths can tap our core with a single comment due to their natural malevolent influence. This strike shocks us and leaves us breathless and vulnerable, self-doubting and confused.
In the case of my sister and I, she’s also brutally direct. I imagine he sensed she’d blow him down and break him into pieces. As it turns out she said to me when I kicked him out, I knew it! – She never liked him for one second and saw him as bad news. Naturally, he could read this. – Consequently, he drove in a separation.
Contact with us, and severing contact with our families and friends is how they drive the wedge in. They keep yammering to us at high velocity, they keep in contact via texts, Snapchat, and the like, even when they live with us! That’s as deep as they get. It’s only that. It’s how they keep inside our heads, hearts, and bank accounts; it comes down to one practical material thing: contact.
Throughout our “relationship” (the one we think we’re in together) their attention comes in cycles related to what they perceive as how deeply or loosely we’re bound-in to them. They spike attention to reel us back in from time to time. Routinely they do an all-points-bare-minimum in maintenance.
When they sense we’re seeing through the smokescreen, they either pour on the nice in charm and promises or get mean becoming nasty, grumpy, and mad. Both nice and mean require contact and are bait to hook us in place.
As the sociopath’s weirdness, deception and betrayal come into focus, we want an end. We, as their prey, want out of the nightmare.
If it’s nice they offer something, make a promise…Or even are simply neutral. Our naturally good-hearted nature and the effects of their mesmerizing venom does the work. We interpret and imbue their off-handed glances, and bare-bones contact with deep and positive meaning, full of love and commitment and, so we stay in it. No such thing as genuine nice is happening, but thinking that it is, is normal.
If it’s mean they pick up as the tool, they use anger andscream out, we naturally react in fear and then stay out of this fear. Not to mention our sense of guilt, shame, and our confusion. This is normal. We all give them the benefit of the doubt and stay. Or we stay out of fear. This is the way it goes until that one moment when the spell finally breaks.
Every bit of any contact a sociopath makes is to take and use and keep taking… It’s bait, from the “love bombing”, the common term for the contact, that reels us in, to the lies and devastating gossip in the smear campaign. As well as during hat time in between, in the middle of the arc of the fraud… When they aren’t around, they disappear, they don’t answer or texts and we’re in unbelievable pain trying to make sense of it all through our normal human view of life.
Breaking Up With Evil
Breaking Up with Evil: Escaping Coercive Control on Amazon
Five women’s true stories of being ensnared hauled through the confusion, lies, fear, and pain, and breaking away.
Told in their own words, they leave nothing unsaid. Find validation and see new glimpses of the truth as they share their stories… Stories that could be any of ours.
One thing about these predators we can’t forget: they can’t not be like this. And they do what they do 24/7. They’re on the prowl constantly. Out of our being normal humans, we give credit to their scanty presence, oh, he’s been so busy, and he called me finally, he must care! And, he left flowers at the door last night! He really does love me! – This is normal. – We’re under their spell.
And, alternately, fear of them freezes us right where we are, so we “stay in it”. This too is normal. It’s the natural normal effect of this type of predator upon us as normal humans, their prey.
We don’t understand why we believe their lies, and then we tend to blame ourselves long after for staying so long. Please don’t. There’s nothing about you that made this happen. You ge to be who you are… And you get to establish no contact because even one more millisecond of contact and access to rampage and ransack our lives is a millisecond too many.
Contact Means They Can Get Back In: Contact Is How Any and All of it Happens
When we want out, a sociopath’s drive to keep us in their grasp intensifies. Just as they smell fresh prey, they can sense it when we’re beginning to see through them to the point that things are going to end.
They know when we’ve caught a glimpse behind the veil of lies and they go to work to regain our trust, to keep us locked in place. Mean or nice…everything, all the things they do, is an attempt to keep things going and require: contact. They fear losing prey. They become enraged when we slip free.
Their Concern is Survival and Nothing Else
Out of the simple need for survival, antisocial psychopaths despise losing their bagged targets. And for all the hate they have for us – they need us – and the narcissistic-user-sociopath will hold on as long as possible.
It’s the things, the status, and the opportunities we provide that compel them to hang on with just enough contact. Thye swing back-and-forth, hot-and-cold, nice-and-mean, to keep us in place by our own emotional responses to them combined with our misunderstanding of what is actually happening.
Manipulation, Bait, and Tricks Ramp Up in the Fear of Losing Contact
Eventually, that day comes for us when the “magic” is gone, and so when they whip out their standard bait: make coffee for us or put air in the tires or murmur — again — without eye contact, you’re special to me. — This time, our emotional response is flat or numb. We can see them more clearly as the snake they are.
Stand up and protect our lives, even in this overwhelming disaster, don’t give in to defeat. Instead, only continue to build treasures of the heart.
There’s a moment for each of us when their signature weak and familiar gesture, is measured up against all the odd, the confusion, and just plain sad and it just isn’t enough. Suddenly, we are done.
As the sociopath’s weirdness, deception, and betrayal come into focus, we want an end. We, as their prey, want out of the nightmare. Once we say: I’m leaving or, you have to go, we’re treated to Mr. Hyde and narcissistic rage. — The big-bad-monster will not really leave our lives until we establish no contact.
Sociopaths and Narcissistic Users Fear No Contact
What do sociopaths fear losing when the jig is up? After “the well” has truly run dry, they fear losing their physical freedom and their “good reputation”. This deluded idea that they have a “good reputation” is something they think they need to keep intact so they can continue using others.
So, to keep tabs on what we say to others, they continue to hang on even if they “break-up” with us. As we’re breaking away and after contact is really important to them for three reasons.
We call this after “break-up” contact, Hoovering.It lands as texts, emails, and phone calls; it may be messages or notes on our car or on the door, and it’s scary. There are plenty of reasons that this is scary. It’s normal to be in fear of the narcissistic user after the “break up”. This is all a part of PTSD.
Breaking Away Means to the Sociopath We’ve Gone Rogue
Once we’ve stepped away from the pathologically narcissistic user isn’t sure if they’re safe anymore, We’re an unknown factor. – We’ve gone rogue.
Not only have they lost their entertainment, or your car keys, cell phone bill payments, their arm candy, or entree into a particular social group: they don’t know what we’re going to do about what they’ve done to us.
This is where “hoovering” comes in. For your safety, if they use actual words in person or by phone, at that moment go ahead and verbally apologize. Soothe them by saying one plain sentence like, I know…it’s all my fault…Not because this is true. But because it’s wisdom; it’s for your safety.
This simple utterance stops hoovering in many cases, as the nutter then believes you aren’t a threat. They are enraged that you broke away, but they believe they can now go freely about their gruesome ways.
This isn’t “enabling” them. They are what they are with or without you.
Don’t worry, you’re lying… but they’ll believe you. This isn’t because this is true. It’s because sociopaths aka narcissists believe anything we say and act on it as if it is true.
They only need to feel like they’re getting away with all the lies and scamming. Never give this kind of impression or apology in writing, only in spoken words. Let them think they can go freely. Let them feel at ease in exiting. They don’t want us, or their kids – and we don’t want them.
Be Sociopath or Psychopath and Narcissist Free Forever
Really, get the skinny on what’s happening, in your specific circumstances. There’s more to this than an article can convey.
For a clearer and faster pathway back to restoring your life, step into recognizing how amazing you are. This makes the dust settle faster, and the debris and damage fall at their feet where it belongs rather than at yours.
Stand up and protect your life, even in this overwhelming disaster, don’t give in to defeat. Instead, only continue to build treasures of the heart.
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