Why do we believe the lies
the narcissist or sociopath tells?
Because we’re normal.
It’s normal to believe what people say.
Here’s the thing, it’s normal to believe other people. Believing others is hard-wired into our normal human hearts. We’re born this way. We trust and believe others as such a regular part of life, it’s something we barely notice.
Continue readingSociopaths, even though you
might be calling them “narcissists”,
must hook prey.
They’re constantly baiting…
Casting a “line” in order to hook prey.
Hooking prey is a user’s full-time job, no matter if you call them a sociopath or a narcissist. They hook prey with bait. Every time they open their mouth they’re tossing bait. Pretty much everything single thing they say or do is bait.
Continue readingWords we hear are absorbed
by our neurological system.
In this way emotions, thoughts and beliefs
are formed based on what we hear, even if it’s a lie.
Mean words are common when we’re involved with or entangled by people who use them. If we’ve been in the presence of a narcissist and also if we’ve been ensnared by a sociopath we’ve experienced a lurch in the pit of our stomachs.
We’ve experienced sadness, and drooping self esteem in their presence and still long after they’ve left the room because of their words hurtled at us us like darts. We feel feelings from what they’ve said. This is normal. – This is how normal healthy humans work.
We, humans, are astonishingly amazing beings. As we’re swept through the riptide of narcissistic abuse and the machinations of a pathological predator we’re influenced by them. This is only natural. This is because whole-humans are influenced by each and everything within our awareness or within our environment.
This means that all things around us have an impact and an effect on us. – This is based on science. It’s how humans are designed, or built or created… It’s what we are. This is normal; it’s how our system – our biology, our neurological system works. There’s no getting around this.
Okay, here’s how it goes… Our body takes in our surroundings, including the words we hear, and has an emotional response. In this way without us doing a thing, our body – our neurological system – recognizes an emotion which translates to a feeling. Our feelings are individual and nuanced. This feeling becomes a conscious thought based on these feelings that have been generated by our emotional response.
And then finally our body creates a conclusion or a belief about this whole experience. This can happen in a flash, mere milliseconds. It can be that the emotion and the feeling are fairly instantaneous and then the thought and that belief come days later. – And not at all consciously identifiable as being the product of the emotional response and then the feelings we form after receiving those mean words.
So… Humans experience a raw, or root emotion which morphs into a feeling. We might notice this emotion – we might not. We might not be particularly aware of the feeling it inspires.
The feeling though works on it’s own to turn itself into a thought inspired by that original root emotion mingled with our subconscious and things we already “know”.
That thought or those ideas born of the emotions and feelings become a belief. One day they become a proclamation, an announcement we form into words in our minds about ourselves or the world we live in.
This emotional construct from raw emotions to feelings – to thoughts and ideas – then takes the shape of a belief or conclusion. As it becomes a conscious thought, possibly quite charged with emotion, it may no longer be attached with any awareness in our minds to the original emotional and then feelings experience we had. We also then make a belief that is unattached from the original emotional experience, our feelings or possibly from even those thoughts and ideas that are stirring this all. Make sense?
So where exactly does the belief we arrive at come from? The belief or conclusion does from our beautiful and automatic-mind. It shapes for us the ideas and then this newer belief — based on what we already believe.
The mind does the work without us, incorporating what we already think we know and what we’ve felt and what those feelings mean to us. The mean words then have been the cause-point of our concluding belief. A belief we then live our life from.
Ultimately, the things we believe play into how well we heal – or not. What we believe creates our experience of life. Our beliefs in every way, are the foundation for the limits we place on ourselves, or the dreams we decide we can achieve.
The same works with words of care, praise or kindness; these in turn inspire positive thoughts and strength or courage. All things filter through our emotional self. Knowing and understanding this is so, so, so, so important in recovering from a trauma.
When highly praised by others, there is no hardship one cannot bear… such is the courage that springs from words of praise. …When criticized one can recklessly cause one’s own ruin.
~ Nichiren Daishonin 12th century Buddhist Monk
Read about recovery sessions
filled with lightbulb moments.
So, feeling bad and sad after an encounter with a non-pathologically narcissistic person or with a sociopath is normal. However, we can change this and learn how to manage a narcissistic person – and how to exit the scope of the sociopath, aka a “narcissist”, the pathological user and fully restore our lives.
We can learn skills and perspectives to manage or fundamentally transform how we respond to what’s around us, particularly to narcissistic people and even to sociopaths.
This comes in part by understanding the things and the people and the words we hear them speak all around us. In addition, this comes within deeper knowledge about our bodies and mind and emotions, our thoughts and beliefs.
Comprehending that they’re all one and the same aspect of ourselves and interconnected. – And that we’re in charge of it all. Including this mysterious neurological system.
Let’s keep this science simple. We can feel this response to words happening in a few small examples. From there, we can carry this concept through to realize how it is that the smear campaign hurts like a nest of hornets attacking.
You’re standing in your kitchen. A lemon on your kitchen counter catches your eye. The rounded curves, tapering at the ends to a green and brownish bit where the lemon grew from the lemon tree.
Is your mouth watering…? This is the neurological effect of words, mere words on our entire body system. Imagining this scenario with no lemon in view nevertheless has our body believing there is a lemon.
We experience this as if there were a lemon in our hand, and lemon aroma surrounding us. Our body believes. – We believe we’re experiencing a lemon.
What else happened in your body as you imagined this lemon…? Has your body relaxed…? Did you sigh…? Is your mouth puckering…?
Your body reacted and responded as if a real lemon were really there. From reading words about lemon… And you might have noticed though that whispered in your mind.
The thoughts were words that came to mind depending on how you’ve previously experienced lemons and the emotions they evoke.
All that from words you’re reading off a backlight screen about a lemon that isn’t anywhere in sight! The power of words as they resonate into our ear, sink in, filter through our nervous system is amazing…
And it is everything. All things around us, all we experience transmutes into an emotion, a thought, and then a belief. What are we feeling, thinking and believing…? Who decides what we feel and think and believe…?
Lightbulb moments.
Find your way back to you.
Mean words hit us hard and ripple through us from head to toe. Hitting our neurological system, adrenaline flows, cortisol spikes, a biological shock wave happens.
Our emotions pitch in with a search for meaning in what was said. We come up with a meaning based on our emotions and our body and our previous life experiences.
You’ve been waiting to hear from your partner, boyfriend, spouse… You’re waiting to hear about what you’re doing Friday night.
There’s a birthday party you want to go to; it’s for your best friend and you want your partner to come with you. You’ve let them know about it and asked them to come with you.
There’s been no reply from them about the party and it’s been two days already. You send a follow-up text asking: You got my text? About Sandy’s birthday…? You’re coming with right..?! I’m super excited about it!!
Instantly after two days of no response, they zing a text back: Get off my back!! Stop asking for things!!! You’re ruining everything.
Did your stomach lurch? Is your heart pounding…? Has your heart rate gone up thudding in your chest, your palms sweating…?
Are anxiety and confusion colliding inside your body? Did your brain kind of shut down..? That’s a normal neurological, physiological, bodily, and emotional response to violent language.
As normal able-bodied whole-humans, we each have the same neurological system. Words we hear are absorbed by our neurological system. In this way emotions, thoughts and beliefs are formed based on what we hear, even if it’s a lie. Even if it’s out of context, confusing, cruel and strange.
The words hit us and instantly emotions spring up and thoughts and beliefs nearly all in one millisecond. What we feel, what we think and what we believe is rooted in who we are and our previous life experiences combined with our understanding of the person hurling language at us.
Words are all we have. They’re the most powerful tool we’ve got. We can use them well and deliberately, assertively.
Learning to understand the real meaning behind words based on who the speaker is and their intentions and motivations is one way to short circuit absorbing the poison and absorbing it as an emotional response that leads to a limiting belief.
Waking slowly from a heavy sleep you know you’re late for work. Feeling weird, heavy and dizzy you try to get up but can barely manage to roll over on one side.
The realization that you’re sick lifts onto the horizon of your mind. The curtain of brain fog shifts and you remember there’s a project deadline, you’re meant to be at work, people depend on you. There’s a lot of pressure…
You think, maybe I can make it, and lift the covers off your bed one more time trying to sit up and get dressed to go… Maybe you can make it on time. As you sit up your stomach grips and vomit rises from your gut, you barely make it to the bathroom as your face turns pale.
You puke your guts out. A cold sweat breaks out along your hairline as you rest slumped at the toilet bowl, exhausted for turning your innards inside out. You’ve got to call in sick. You feel guilt creeping in.
You call up the work and ask for your boss’s extension, and say: I’m sick. I really tried but I just can’t make it in. I’m vomiting and feverish and I”m so sorry I just ca — Your boss interjects: That’s fine. No worries! Please take care of yourself. Are you alone or is there someone who can bring you juice or things you’ll need…? Please let me know if we can do something or have anything delivered to you. Please stay in bed. It’s okay. We’ll take care of things here, you get better. Please call for anything we can help with. It’s okay.
Are your eyes tearing up in relief..? Did you feel disbelief…? Have your shoulders dropped in letting go of the guilt…? Does this sound impossible as a response and yet you felt the effect of it anyway?
This is how amazing we are as fully limbic brained, whole, able-bodied humans. Words are all we have and there’s nothing more powerful wherever they’re spoken, from a classroom to the workplace, at a family dinner or in silent prayer.
Take in the knowledge of how our bodies work and what all those feelings, thoughts and beliefs come from, and how they get there.
Find out how to use words in an expanding, and positive way. Decide what we believe. Deliberately develop an understanding of the scenarios and odyssey through the black hole of hell with a sociopath.
Know who’s talking to us. Understand their position, and meaning; their motivation in speaking to us. And as far as the predator goes, truly understand their simplistic motivation so that we can decode their meaning.
This frees us to have an emotional reaction, a thought process and a belief about our experience that match what’s actually happened. This is key. This is true resolution and healing.
We can land in a place where their weird, tangled words become ridiculous, meaningless and stay always perverse but shift to a perversion we know is coming for them, and so holds no sway over us – not even their lies.
The study of language, how it affects us and how to use it effectively is the study of neurolinguistic programming, NPL.
We’re fortunate to have the ability and are free to define our experiences; to create our life and find freedom, joy and real true love and happiness. We are awesome.
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Have a listen: Narcissistic Abuse Unwound
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2019_10_24 2023_01_30
What is coercive control?
How does it happen? Why do we stay?
Where does it come from and how do we break free?
Coercive control is defined as being forced to do something we don’t want to do. As being harmed by someone against our will. Does anyone willingly stand in harm’s way…?
The coercion comes about by definition when someone controls and harms us or forces something upon us when they: make jokes that are insulting, make direct criticism and insults, call us names; by physical harm or endangerment; in financial deprivation or control including creating debt we’re held responsible for.
This is also known as narcissistic abuse. It’s also known as toxic behavior, or dysfunctional behavior. Bottom line…? It’s fraud. The person carrying out the coercion is the doer. – The wrongdoer.
Yet, we so often blame ourselves. And, so do they. They get us to do all kinds of things, put up with so much nastiness, disrespect, lies, affairs, withholding sex or affection, or attention, mounting bills, disappearing funds, and they disappear. Even where they are and what they’re doing becomes a painful aspect of torture in coercive control.
Guided recovery sessions.
Everything you’re feeling is normal.
And we stay. Maybe for a long time. And as we’re still there, naturally we do what normal humans do, we first look for the answer to why it’s happening within ourselves. We take responsibility for their behavior; we look to ourselves as the reason they do things that makes us feel bad or harm us.
At first, this makes some sense, early on with someone we feel we love and are in a relationship with, naturally, we do what humans do.
We adjust, compromise, try, fix, seek help to fix it, say no, say yes, apologize, try harder, cook better, do more, and want to have long talks with them about it all… And none of this works.
That’s when we start looking for different solutions; more answers as to why. This is often when we come across more wrong answers or solutions that fix nothing and don’t answer our question: Why is this happening?
In fact, these traditional answers cause more pain. These wrong answers as to the why this happens are reflected in the concept of us being codependent, the idea of our low self-esteem, in the notion of having no boundaries, and on and on in a litany of nonsense ending with: because we don’t love ourselves other’s treat us badly. Nonsense.
We do love ourselves. Always. If you didn’t love yourself what they do wouldn’t hurt so badly.
I’m not sure how any of these blame-the-person-being-harmed-for-the-rotten-persons-behavior concepts ever made any sense, but they’re largely adopted as the way to look at situations where someone is stuck in coercive control or deceptive fraud.
Is it not possible that we’re influenced and yield to them simply because of what they are? If our hand is in the water, does our hand not get wet?
A human hand or a doggy paw for that matter, when dipped in water gets wet. Is this the case because there’s something wrong with us – or our hand – or the dog? Or is it because water is wet?
Breaking Up with Evil: Escaping Coercive Control on Amazon
Five women’s true stories of being ensnared hauled through the confusion, lies, fear, and pain, and breaking away.
Told in their own words, they leave nothing unsaid. Find validation and see new glimpses of the truth as they share their stories… Stories that could be any of ours.
“He tried to convince me he had sex with Dawn because of losing the dog.” ~ Shannon O. Five women’s stories from the promises to hell to escape and healing.
The thrill of engagement; the excitement of meeting Mr. Right, The One, the one like no other is the sociopath effect. There are specific feelings and thoughts that well up. These demonstrate we’ve fallen into the trap of a disingenuous user; in the time of the experience, we call it amazing love.
There are people of inherent coercive control. It’s a quality they possess simply as who and what they are. You could say they’re people of inherent evil. – Just in the same way we’re inherently good and that’s just who and what we are.
How many of us had the opportunity to be cruel to them, or take something back for them but couldn’t do it? – Yah. Because we’re inherently good. It’s who we are.
These spontaneous and overwhelming feelings represent the common marker that we’ve met a person who’s interested in us for their own dark-minded entertainment or their personal gain.
We fall into a particular and unusual emotional state; an instantaneous unconscious transformation that is the stuff of coercive control. You could say, being hooked is a state of involuntary coerced agreement. Towards them and things related to them, we become a bouncing ball of, yes!
And they, the hunter in pursuit who’s just bagged us? They are thrilled. Ecstatic. We see it in smiles, a buoyant attitude, wanting to be with us, messaging, and texting lots… It’s their pride in ensnaring someone new which they see as an accomplishment.
We naturally mistake for mutual and genuine excitement that we met. In truth, it’s the thrill of engagement and just the beginning of a long hard Tilt-O-Whirl of crazy.
Please embrace how good you are. Know that you do love yourself or you wouldn’t be on this page. Understand that codependency as an explanation for why we were deceived and used is a behemoth of outdated thinking… and results in feeling more beat up.
And further, codependency is a misconception applied to women. How many men are told they’re codependent and this is what caused a sociopath to hijack their life?
Low self-esteem can be an effect of time spent under #coercivecontrol. This is not a character flaw, it isn’t permanent. It’s normal to feel down and defeated when we’re controlled coercively, that’s one piece that makes coercive control work.
But low self-esteem or lack of self-love does not cause coercive control. After all, if we didn’t love ourselves, or have esteem for our lives, would it all hurt so sickeningly much?
We can sidestep and escape coercive control by understanding what it truly is, why it happens, and who’s doing it. Combine that with embracing your own life in all your goodness.
And please, never stop seeking evolution in your answers and explanations for life’s phenomena. Remember, they used to think the earth was flat.
Join the podcast!
Have a listen: Narcissistic Abuse Unwound
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2019_09_27 2023_01_30
Love with a sociopath is no bed of roses.
It’s not a match made in heaven.
It’s from deepest hell. But: we win…
Love with a sociopath (a narcissist) starts out on a road we think is a mutual path, paved with love, where we’ll walk into our own gorgeous land of harmony and possibility like no other.
A land filled with promise like no other relationship that exists, all and only because: we are with them. This one incredible – are-you-kidding-me – amazing person. And it feels like a fairytale, a Disney princess, the Duke of Hastings, Bridgerton come alive and turned real.
When in love with a sociopath we feel that together we’re infinitely more than either of us could be apart. There’s sunshine, birds singing, rainbows – but no rain – pots of gold, blue skies, and hearts dancing and flitting around our heads like butterflies. They feel differently… they’re after your high-octane-goodness.
When we’re in love with a sociopath, we’re all in. Our new address is cloud nine.
Then naturally, as any normal person in a relationship, we relationship-build. We undertake to give, make, bake, create, fix, and take leaps of faith, and climb mountains to make things happen for us. This is normal and what one does in real relationships.
There is resolution and full restoration.
What is recovery for you?
Since we believe and feel it’s real, our body is doing the things it does when real relationships happen. There’s a chemical mix of “love cocktail” that swooshes through us and it’s muddled well with the venom of their coercive control as it is injected into our veins and bones by their very presence and so, we’re locked in.
Hormones and signals that we’re in love. This naturally leads us to do and feel things that only happen when one is bonding and building a relationship.
There’s something extra going on here though…the infusion of coercive control has us seeing this as life-like-in-a-movie. Their invisible sway of influence has us trying harder. And, ultimately, staying longer feeling desperately that we can’t lose them. – There’s nothing inherently wrong with us. We’re super-de-duper normal. really, no matter your past, no matter your parents or childhood. What we are is ensnared by – that is, feeling that we’re in love with a sociopath.
It’s easy-peasy to fall in love. Really our bodies are made for it. The Amazing Brain explains. To find a complete stranger. Reveal to each other intimate details about your lives for half an hour. Then, stare deeply into each other’s eyes without talking for four minutes.
We’re not stupid. We’re being what we are: human. A human in love. Life and love with a sociopath are far from normal. We just don’t know who’s standing next to us yet.
Without realizing it, we’re not making a magnificent masterpiece of a life on a bicycle built for two. We’re digging a gnarled, dark, deep, tangled hole into the center of hell, where we’re headed all by ourselves because the sociopath we love knows there’s no relationship.
Once we see enough, cry enough, try enough, we do end it. Sometimes they end it before we can, because a sociopath always, always knows the end is coming.
If we’re lucky, we see a glimpse of this just as the sociopath trips off into his own disgusting future with all our things on his back in a rotting knapsack we mistook for his beautiful soul.
If we look at what went on with our emotional human brain we’ll only continue to suffer. We will never heal. Ever.
There are certain beliefs that destroy us as festering wounds after the sociopath leaves. If we’re misinformed about how amazing humans are, how normal we are, what a sociopath really is, and what that means, we may never, ever recover. Ever. — We can heal.
Telling ourselves, or being told by others and believing:
There are no words to describe the feel of the life-shattering shock of realizing all was a lie. Loving a sociopath leaves us with post trauma and the need for self-compassion in order to heal truly and completely.
It takes support and encouragement and someone who can listen without judging. someone who knows what we’ve been through. It takes accurate and true information and understanding of what a sociopath is – and what we are as gorgeous, loving humane, human beings.
Join the podcast!
Have a listen: Narcissistic Abuse Unwound
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2017_03_19 2023_05_05
Narcissistic sociopaths tell stories upon stories.
We hear them tell the
same story more than once.
Sometimes it’s a little different
the second time around.
Narcissistic sociopaths are notorious talkers. When the mood strikes them they yip and yap away – sometimes for hours at a time. There’s a certain “talk” that can be short or long, but it’s got a different quality. A certain perplexing aspect.
Narcissistic sociopaths tell stories. Tales that are entertaining, and then others that are like a bomb being dropped and leaving us scratching our heads. These stories are a stand-out style from the rest of their talk.
The motivation for opening up with story hour of this kind is ultimately founded in the very same concern they have behind everything they say.
That is, they open their yap to get something they want and need and at the same time to keep us hooked in. Also, they’re quite concerned – and at some times more than others – about hiding how they really feel from their black hearts, about putting a lid on what they really think, on what they really intend, and to cover up what they do or have done.
In other words they want to hide who they really are. Because – they do know that who they really are isn’t the guy we think they are. And that guy they really are, isn’t a guy we’d stick around for.
And then – on the other hand – these stories are a dip into who they really are – and this is intentional on the part of the sociopathic nutbag. You see, it gets exhausting hiding the things they’re really up to, and they don’t give a poop about our feelings anyway, so they feel it out. This is a way to monitor their own safety and how hooked we are as well and that is the lynchpin of a sociopathic dumb-dumbs survival: their safety and being able to take and use (us) more.
These stories are a foray into showing us a snip and a bit in case – just in case – we won’t mind who they really are, or a particular habit they have. Afterall, things would be so much easier for them if we didn’t mind who they really are and the grosser and more inhuman things they do. And so, stories serve three purposes that all feed into us staying “in” no matter who they are or who we think they are. The stories are a kind of test to see what we can tolerate.
When they launch into a bit of a story, they’re talking with a purpose we might not register. They’re telling a version of some part of their life. It could be a retelling of some hideous things they’ve done with a pretty mist over it so that their story makes us think they didn’t do something hideous.
They do this when a fact about them might be coming to our awareness that they know would blow up the scam, such as something about kids they have or another wife, or an arrest.
This is to preempt the truth… so that when or if we do hear the truth, we’re on their side and won’t believe the truth no matter the source.
Breaking Up with Evil: Escaping Coercive Control on Amazon
Five women’s true stories of being ensnared, hauled through the confusion, lies, fear, and pain, and breaking away.
True crime. Told in their own words with nothing unsaid. Find validation, and see new glimpses of truth as these five women share their stories… Stories that could be any of ours.
Why did he suddenly tell me ten months into our marriage about his four kids…?
Because the woman who messaged me had one of his kids. And because he knew that she also knew about another woman in the same town who had three more of his kids. The loser nut-bag needed to get his version in before the other woman and I talked. But that version was far from the truth. It was only enough truth to preempt the snip of truth the woman in Europe who messaged thought was the truth…but wasn’t.
The Real Truth I did talk with that woman in Germany and we became very good friends. a few years later, I visited her and met her (and biologically his) gorgeous little child, whom I love to this day. – What she and I both now know is, these four children have at least 8 other siblings. Two of those 12 are the same age as the one I’ve met. Yes: the woman who messaged me lives in a town with two other kids the same age as hers fathered by this nutbag. Those three children all have different mothers. None of them know they have half-brothers or sisters, yet live in the same city. One of those babes have three older sibs also fathered by this nutbag. Potentially, all six of these kids in the same small town, four girls and two boys, could go to high school together, end up on the same swim team… or date or marry each other. – This is just one of the kinds of things they try to hide, cover-up, and lie about.
Just like normal humans, sociopathic monsters want to talk about their day or wax poetical about something they did last week, or years ago if it’s especially cool to them. The problem is – they can’t really talk about the truth of the horrible things they did.
They can’t stand around the water cooler when their co-worker asks, “Hey man, did you see American Horror Story last night?” and then answer, chest-puffed and smirk in place, “See it!? I lived that s**t!! I gave some chick a rufie and dragged her over to the back of the…”
There is no normal guy hearing this at the water cooler who’s going to respond to that gruesome reality with, “Wow cool!! Does your girlfriend know?” – That would be another sociopath’s response. And so, in order to rattle on about their exploits, they tell stories about things someone did to them, or that someone else did to someone else… But here’s the decoder key: They’re the “someone” in their story. The “someone” who did the bad thing. They’re talking about what they did to someone else, or to several someone else’s.
There are simple reasons for all of the crazy.
Guided recovery sessions.
There are answers and there is peace.
They like to talk about their accomplishments, but a sociopath mixes and matches their stories. They create an amalgamation of the lying and the slightly real parts of their lives.
They do this as they yammer about things they did to someone, and mix in snips of truth and lies from another part of their life, folded in under a new headline. The changes in the story make them sound bigger, better, and more amazing.
We might hear them tell a story to other people that we’ve heard from them before. But: the story is falling out of their gob in a different version than they told us. This is super-de-duper common. When there’s an embellishment or different twist to the story as they blab away in front of others while we stand by dumbfounded, the last thing we’re going to do is jump in and say he’s telling his story wrong! No, we smile. We put on a smile outside while our head spins inside.
We’re magnanimous by nature as normal humans, admittedly some of us are more magnanimous than others, but all of us tend to be in a social setting. It’s called manners. And while under the influence of a sociopath? We absolutely follow social protocol and tuck the oddness of the enhanced tale away and under some little rug in a corner of our minds where many strange bits of their behavior are gathering. This is beyond our control; it’s the natural effect of a parasitic predator.
Things like, “You know Greg, right…? I found out when he was married to Shelia he got some other chick pregnant…” Then they close their mouth; they stop talking and wait. They’re waiting to see what we think of “Greg”.
Do we judge him and feel for “Sheila”, or do we say something like, “You know stuff happens, that’s life.” — Which makes them think, “Well, maybe she won’t flip out when she finds out about that other ‘ho who just had another kid of mine.” – They need us not to “flip out” and stay “in”, so they can keep taking.
Maybe they say, “This guy at work and his wife are swingers! Can you believe people do that…?!” He’s waiting to see if we say, “Yeah, sure! I’ve kind of always wondered about what that’s like.” Or, “Euuwwwhh! That’s so gross!” He’s (or she is) fishing to see if we’d go along and join in, or if we’ll let them do it without us. They need to find out what they can get away with.
They need to know what is an absolute deal-breaker that cuts through the fog of the DMT of “love”. — “At my last job this woman told people I embezzled money from the fund. I didn’t do it. She did it. She tried to blame me because she was jealous of my promotion and wanted my job. I was helping her and she used my signature to…” And we’re off the races.
This flexi-world they live in comes out of their complete lack of emotional connection to anything. They’ve got no emotional nostalgia, memory or value for anything that goes on in their lives aside from how it connects to them getting things, using, getting away with it, looking like the good guy, or getting caught or not; there is no sentimentality, romanticism or wistfulness about anything in their lives.
The narcissistic sociopath feels no remorse or shame for the harm they bring to others. They might wish they’d lied better, taken more, got more, used more. They might think, I wish I coulda screwed them both over instead of just that one idiot. That’s as poignant as their nostalgia gets.
Sociopaths – and every sociopath is a narcissistic sociopath by the way, and narcissists are sociopaths – they don’t want to face what we see as the normal consequences of things they’ve done. The truth is the narcissistic sociopath doesn’t think they’ve done anything wrong.
It’s natural that we don’t see the full scope of what they’re thinking and doing. Based on our nature as normal humans, we hold out for proof of how bad they are. We then ask them what they’ve done or why sometimes we get the truth out of them. If we do get the truth we don’t recognize it because their world is so different than ours. – But mostly we get stories.
Think of everything a narcissistic sociopath says is bait. Every word out of their mouths is to see how far they can go, to see what they can get away with, to hide how they really feel, what they really are, to use, to take, to get away with taking, using, being what they are… to feel out if we’re seeing through them, to feel out what we’re going to do about it.
What we’re going to do about it is go zero contract and become non-threats. Take in the simplistic mind of a sociopath. Take in a surprising perspective that sets us free. Be sociopath proof, user-proof, and free.
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2018_01_29 2023_11_02
Betrayal looms large
in what some call narcissistic abuse.
And a whole ton of it comes from people we turn to
for support in the aftermath.
The shocking truth is the place it really hurts is in the aftermath. And the real sense of betrayal comes from professionals who put themselves out there as those who “protect and serve”, for example. The fact is traditional, standard agencies, and individuals we turn to have no real idea of what this is at this point in human history.
Support from therapists, counselors, psychologists, doctors, law enforcement, social services and the like have no idea what people coming out of this malarkey are going through.
Though they’ve taken the time to label the surreal things done by the pathological predator within the horrific reality as: “narcissistic abuse”.
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And those same people have decided to call us as the prey of these predators: “narcissistic abuse victims”. And have decided that when we’re ensnared within the madness we’re in “narcissistic abuse syndrome.”
I’m not a fan of this terminology and conceptualization of this situation for many many really good reasons, but that’s a different article than this one.
Whether we like this terminology or not, some of us don’t find even this level of acknowledgment.
Most of the time in couples counseling the therapist sides with the sociopath completely missing the mark on who the “bad guy” is.
All too often in therapy and court-battle-hades during the aftermath, we’re not believed, penalized, labeled, have children taken away, lose rights, access, property, and our sense of self. We topple under the disbelief of another devastating trauma inside the nightmare. Recovery involves recovering from trauma inside of trauma.
We’re the grassroots movement bringing the truth of true love scam to light. Bringing forward what we truly suffer: confusion, shock, shame, guilt, loss, feeling broken; some of us go through a psychic break under the weight of this horrific crime.
The proverbial rug has been pulled out from under our lives and then we find there’s no one who understands; sometimes, no one who believes us.
Who’s really betraying the prey of the sociopath…? – The sociopath who doesn’t care, never did, never will and is straightforwardly being what they are antisocial psychopaths who go unrecognized and only bring destruction with their limited brain focused on self-survival, deluded by their notion of sefl-grandiosity, and an existence built of lies?
Or the people meant to protect and serve its citizenry? The people holding high degrees, given blanket respect and looked to for relief by those in pain?
We’re not “Eeyores”… You know like Eeyore, from Winnie the Pooh. We have no “disorder.” Just as we’re not in denial. We’re not codependent. You’re each and all trying to take back the damage done, make right the wrongs, and keep your children and yourself in safety from a user and abuser… the actual criminal.
We were targeted, pursued, sucked in, used for our loyalty, honesty, genuine compassion and good character – and yes… all while we were in love. We believe them, trust them, defend them; we e behave and acted as normal people in what we felt and believed initially and for long into it all that we were in a normal relationship.
This is normal. And so, we flow along trying to make a great life with them until there’s something that snaps… and we see then that something, something indefinable is very, very, terrifyingly wrong. This is normal.
Even at that moment, we still can’t know wtf is happening, but we certainly save ourselves as soon as possible. There’s nothing wrong with us. Targets of sociopaths suffer profoundly more because of the incredible lack of understanding by “experts” and “authorities.”
Calling the police and filing restraining orders can be the very thing that brings us down a very dark rabbit hole of fear and retaliation (the sociopath’s self-defense) rather than the protection it’s meant to be.
This can increase the compulsion of the pathological user, the con artist’s to plant stories and tales of woe and accusations that give them validity as the “sane” one and brand us the crazy, hysterical, nut jobs in the eyes of authorities.
This is how children can be lost to the lunatic who doesn’t love them. Think twice before taking court action or calling police; this is best only in situations where direct evidence that fulfills the legal parameters for the circumstances in our locality is very strong and in our favor.
So what in the heck are we to do? In certain situations, the police are the best option. And knowing when to bring them in is our own call. For a view of our situation and what’s what, always look at our escape e through the eyes of a socioapth.
Approach everything we do with the appearance of giving them what they want, otherwise, the revenge they’re compelled to go for is a hell we can’t imagine.
Looking at the whole mess through the mind of the kind of maniac a sociopath is, is how we can determine which action is safest and most effective and break free; and get away safely to a place where we can grieve the loss of a life we thought was real, not the scammer.
Know how to view the scam accurately. This is how we break free. Seeing what was real, and going no contact are the beginning of how we truly heal. This is key. The sociopath is not doing what they do “just to — blank — … just to make us cry, ruin our birthday, or even just to get back at us. What they do is not about us.
Psychologists, therapists, and mental health support people aren’t trained well in supporting or understanding coercive control of a sociopath/psychopath on their prey. They just don’t. they’re on the outside looking at and reading dusty research manuals and textbooks for terminology and diagnosis of you sitting in their chair.
At least at this point, the category of CPTSD has been removed from the DSM v5. There were too many misunderstandings of this because of the lack of personal experience and instead of putting people under a microscope and missing the whole picture.
We must keep insisting on the truth of the circumstances. These situations exist because deceivers who make use of others exist. When we understand this and the mind of sociopathy and what that means, we win.
In the meantime, let’s lead the way. Really, really understand what happened: a collision of two different beings: us – fully functioning human beings, and those with an under-functioning brain.
A brain that allows them only a limited, myopic and destructive view of life – and gives them the innate ability to entrance any person who finds them charming, even the most hardened cynic. – Anyone can be conned into true love scam.
Our great goodness is what a sociopath needs to survive. Our great goodness sets us free. Never give up trusting, bonding and caring. Enlarge and grow our compassion; embrace our own lives and the lives of strangers.
An increase and expansion of understanding how valuable and precious our lives are, our gorgeous interdependence and fully comprehending the minds of those devoid of humanity, will narrow and diminish the antisocial psychopath’s effect on individuals, families, communities and in the world. Remain human and humane.
Encouragement means to plant the seed of courage in the lives of others. ~ Daisaku Ikeda
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2017_05_02 2022_10_18
We’re not in denial.
As my dad would say, that’s a river in Egypt.
But seriously.
No one deliberately stays here.
We don’t remain in the clutches
of a slimy sociopath on purpose.
Our goodness caught their attention,
our goodness sets us free.
Denial is a word that’s tossed around to represent a state of mind we’re supposedly in. And that explains how this nightmare went on for so long, or started in the first place. There are those who would say we were in denial and so the surreal, horror show continued to run through our lives as if we allowed it. These people who say this could not be more wrong.
We’re not in denial. No. In short, what happened is: we were deceived and bamboozled. This means we did not have full information.
There isn’t an even playing field. Firstly, none of us had full information that these creatures even existed. Secondly, we were lied too. Thirdly, normal people aren’t looking for a lie. We automatically trust; that’s one of the beautiful things about us all. And fourth, and most significant of all, we’re under the spell of the pathological predator.
We were scammed pure and simple by a serial liar, user, taker, abuser life thief. The chasm between our intention and the pathological narcissistic user’s true intention only becomes clear over time.
It’s revealed by bits-and-pieces. We didn’t deny anything… except them and what they wanted, once we did see through it and take in the full horror of their true black heart.
Knowing the real deal truth is how we recover.
When we’re ensnared by a sociopath, there‘s a clashing of two worlds a great collide of two different brains, the mind of a sociopath (you might be calling them a narcissist) and the mind of a regular, normal, iambic brained person: you or me.
The pathological predator and users do their best to let us believe rather than a clash, that together we’re the best match on the planet. The best fit that any two people could ever be.
This is how they survive. The ability to bring this influence upon others is wired into their DNA. I call it the sociopath effect.
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Have a listen: Narcissistic Abuse Unwound
We see this match made in heaven situation isn’t quite the case, as soon as is humanly possible. In no way do we leap to the conclusion that this person is a psychopath the first time they don’t call us back or are unreachable.
Not only can people not see something they don’t know is in existence such as users who are pure evil, these exist in the movies, not real life.
Our human body and physiology are amazing. It’s designed to keep us safe. In trauma, our bodies and minds protect us, and so let the truth be seen in bite-sized pieces so that we don’t lose our sanity.
After true love scam our eyes are wider open than most. And we know more than most; certainly more than people who tell us we allowed it and we’re in denial. Let your body do its thing.
The very, very courageous take on recovering, healing, seeing what the real-deal is in pieces. Take it in in bits that you can take… It takes as long as it takes. Tell those blamers and shame-ers to step off.
We’re not permanent victims scarred for life. We’re not to blame for being snagged and conned by a lying sociopath who gives us every excuse in the book for why they do this. These are not the only two options. — Though – sometimes — it seems to be as we try to find our way out of the maze.
There are piles of mainstream answers to this hideous crime. Including that we, as targets invited it through our past abuse issues or our relationship issues and that we stayed because we were in denial.
How about we look at it from another direction? From our eyes. Let’s stop letting people outside the experience define what happened. Let’s look at it from the eyes of the prey of a sociopath.
This perspective takes a whole different set of words to define it. – Not for the sake of frivolous semantics, but because of a very real variance in meaning.
You see, definitely more fanciful descriptors – these come from the influence of watching many Johnathan Strange and Dr. Norell episodes on late-night Netflix binges that stopped my anxious brain from thinking in the early days of recovery and rocked me to sleep, and still reflect the real-deal of being in one of these hellish circuses of a true love scam… the day-time-wide-awake, hall-of-mirrors-nightmare of living hijacked by a sociopath.
Unless someone’s been dragged by their heart and soul through this, they have no idea. None. None of us “in it” are in denial, or willfully resisting seeing what they are.
To think that anyone could imagine or imply that we’re willfully and knowingly, in the mess we’re in and choosing to ignore it means they have no clue. We’re each in something we can’t possibly recognize: who knew what a sociopath was before all this?
For anyone who’s not been hijacked by a sociopath, these descriptors might sound absurd. It may be what inspires, ohhhh… hmmm, yes. She’s in denial. – And other wholly off the mark, and utterly compassionless, and just plain rude remarks from onlookers and others, who we might think would know better.
To those under the spell, these are quite accurate descriptions that bring about our freedom. With this look at things, we feel less crazy. We might let out a sob of relief, Oh, my god! That’s it! That’s exactly what it is!! – And a little slip of hope eeks through the fog of the sociopath-madness we’re trapped in.
I realize what I’m about to say here isn’t popular to say… It’s a contemporary popular belief that humans make choices about well, everything. Here’s a hard fact: none of us are with a sociopath by direct or informed or conscious choice.
We do get away from them by choice. And this’s an important part of this circumstance. Somehow most of the world focuses on wondering how we stumbled into it, why we stayed, ie: How could we have been so stupid?
Let’s be real here, let’s not base our understanding of what we’re experiencing – the how’s and why’s of it, in the ideas and perceptions from something else: namely the ideas and perceptions of those who’ve not experienced it.
Mostly the whole mess is analyzed and judged and pronounced upon by those who have not been through it and interpret the phenomenon as if the sociopath – the perpetrator – has the determining view.
This is nothing more than a type of mansplaining, victim-blaming and just plain wrong. – And, come one now… Most of our judge-ie acquaintances, coworkers, neighbors, friends or family didn’t know this existed until we walked into it. So, come on now… They aren’t suddenly experts.
The very same goodness of heart that makes us attractive to a sociopath is what we then flip – and bring to life exponentially – to get safely and completely away. There, there is the real thing.
It takes a colossal effort. Courage, wisdom, persistence, patience, bravery to break from a kind of bondage; from an entrapment so immense it can’t be understood unless it’s been experienced.
The break-away from a sociopath is intense and so life-shattering it can never be understood unless you too are an escapee. – And that my friends, does not signify a weak victim, a codependent-door-mat, a denial or any such nonsense.
It signifies some of the hugest power, determination, and strength on the planet. We are awesome. We’re superheroes. We’re our own angels.
Nope. We’re not in denial. If you don’t know this phenomenon exists, you can’t see it. And fortunatley when in it and after, our glorious bodies innately know a human can’t handle the monumental stress that comprehending this entails all one go. So – yes – clarity is meted out in doses only a beatific human of great empathy and love could handle.
Even tiny doses of what we went through would break anyone else. No, denial is nothing more than a river in Africa. A raging, pernicious river that every life stealing, narcissistic con man needs to be thrown into without a life jacket.
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2016_09_16 2022_10_12
Whether you call them a “narcissist”, sociopath,
predator, or plain jerk, they reveal
their truly malevolent hearts
when they break up with us.
How sociopaths break up with us can be just as confusing as the time spent “with” them. The breakup can be abrupt or long and slow. There’s a period where it can feel almost like they’re coaxing us or almost daring us to break up. A breakup is usually littered with threats, sarcasm, and smirks.
Sociopaths break up in text messages, FB messages, and other times without a word. In some scenrrios, when sociopaths break up is, that they go to the store and never come back. We’re left wondering, “Where did all the love go?”
It can happen in a mundane moment, our phone pings with a text: I’m done. Or we walk in the door and find their things are gone. (Yes, also the dirtbag you’re calling a “narcissist”.)
The break up happens regularly, routinely. What you’re going through dpesn’t phase them and they’ve done this a thousand times before.
And most painfully, the break up comes with name-calling, accusations and preposterous smear campaiging. – Because these aren’t really break-ups. What has happened here is, the sociopath has failed and is bailing. And now they need ot be sure the coast is clear to exit.
Sociopaths break up with us and we’re wondering what about all the promises? The sacrifices? What about the good times and the moments when they held us and laughed with us?!
How could they leave when we had so much in common, we wanted the same things! There was never such love! Everything and every part of us went into this relationship, we never loved so hard.
We gave it our all, we gave, and gave, and gave – just as they hoped we would. And they took. The more we gave the more they took, or the more they took the more we gave. Sociopaths “break up” with us because they’re done. And, When they’re “done”, when they bail, they need of all things, to make sure they’re safe.
If this article makes
lightbulbs go off,
think about recovery coaching sessions.
We only think it’s a break-up because we think we’re in a relationship. What we’re in is a true love scam with a con artist. Sociopaths, psychopaths – narcissists – use everyone in their lives… And yes, could be also those people you might be referring to as a narcissist.
This may be the first time a sociopath broke up with us but, they’ve done this a million-zillion times. Every predator knows the end of the run will come.
There will be the day we see too much, there will be the moment our bank account is empty, the day will arrive when newer, fresher more plump prey is lined up for the take-and-use.
Let’s look at it for what it is: we were a resource not a partner in a relationship. The sociopath invaded our life to support their own.
They used us either as a piece of their public persona of respectability or as a ticket to a nice car, a cool place to live, a place to hide out, for food, laundry services, and the internet.
We’re not responsible for their inhumanity.
We’re allowed to be exactly as we are.
When sociopaths break up with us, they’re not breaking up so much as bailing – because they failed. They’re leaving when we’ve seen too much when we’re pushing too hard with expectations and dragging them to therapists and pushing for answers.
In their minds we’ve become too annoying, we’re seeing too much. Think of it like in their minds, the candy store is going out of business. Or the bank is closing before they can make all the withdrawals they want to make.
What they get in the way of a mask and a halloas…a gateway to whatever they want. These jokers didn’t value us from the beginning aside from our value as an ATM. They’re just done. Plus, they know we’re getting close to catching on to what they really are, so they “break up” with us. Becaseu, they have, in fact, failed and so they must bail.
They prepare for the end, they expect the end. All along the way, they talk trash about us this isn’t something they do only at the end of it all. Along the way, it’s the setup for the end in which they need to look good, and so that we look bad once they bail.
Oh, they all, and I mean all, talk about us to make us look crazy and themselves look “innocent”; the trash-talking contributes, it’s called the smear campaign at the end, but rest assured it’s happening from day one.
Instead of giving them extra ammunition, to protect ourselves stay silent. This keeps our words from coming back to haunt us. These parasitic nut-bags tend to “re-purpose” our sincere and genuine pain for their gain.
They show our heartbroken, confused, and even angry text messages around to mutual friends… or post them on Facebook.
You know the messages I mean, these kinds of messages from us: “What are you saying? I don’t understand! What about next Friday, my parents are in town?! I love youuuuu!” – These end up reinterpreted on Facebook in posts to make their emphatic claim, “She’s crazy.” hold weight.
Some of the people they try to convince we’re “crazy” will be people who hardly know them. These people won’t give what they say about us a second thought.
Most who hear the sociopath who broke up with us yammer on about how bad we were will have no desire to be caught in the strange heat of the whirlwind caused by sociopaths bellowing. You’re going to lose friends. There’s much loss in this madness. Find resolution to every loss.
There will, unfortunately, be those who believe every word they say about us. As painful as this is, remember, these people are wrapped up in and blinded by the sociopath’s charms, remember when we were under his spell?
Sooner than later, those poor souls will have their own recovery to do when he leaves them holding whatever bag of loss he made in their lives.
For now, place our attention on recovering. Becoming ourselves again is easier if we understand how sociopaths think.
As soon as they go we are thrown into post-trauma because our time with them was traumatic. We’ll begin the suffering ride through post-traumatic stress. PTSD after a sociopath is no joke. – It is real. It is brutal. It is horrific, despairing, and gut-wrenching with a vat of utter aloneness and self-doubt on the side.
You know what? – For all that, PTSD after a monster is no match for us as the amazing, strong, loving women and men that we are. We are Super Heroes. We’re our own Angels. Blossom, expand our lives, embrace ourselves. Overcome the trauma and live fully in our greatness, as stellar human beings with colossal hearts.
The podcast, Narcissistic Abuse Unwound
True Love Scam Recovery on Medium
On Facebook
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jennifer@truelovescam.com
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2015_08_15 2024_08_22
