It’s normal to trust, believe and care. It’s 100% abnormal not to. We can’t understand abnormal by looking at it from normal. So, let’s look at it for their side without our rose-colored glasses.
Narcissistic people who are in the zone of pathological narcissism know that they don’t have relationships. Even though they step up to us with this mesmerizing zinger, I’ve never met anyone like you before. They know they’re not stepping into a real relationship. We think they are; that we are.
The thing is, they aren’t saying what we think they’re saying. We naturally hear one thing, but they mean another. They don’t want a relationship, not even when they say, you’re my soulmate. Want to know why this is…?
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I don’t think I would be where I am if I hadn’t found you and learned from you, and I’m still learning. Thanks for all you are doing to raise awareness of these monsters. ~ J.S.
After our first session, I was left feeling very empowered, and I’m excited to continue the conversation! You’re one of the only people out there who understands this like this; I think maybe you’re the only person. You have a way of simplifying the pieces and elements. I’m very glad to have talked to you.~ G.D.
As a certified professional coach upholding industry standards and ethics, I strive to inform, educate, co-plan, co-strategize, advise, consult, refer, recommend, train, teach and coach people in guided discovery-recovery specific to these crimes, and from hell and broken in the aftermath to whole again, and more.
Heal, recover, trust again: it’s all possible.
As a certified coach and as someone who’s lived through this nightmare and won, I can tell you, there’s nothing wrong with you; there’s everything right with you.
Sessions are a guided journey at your pace through discovery building a deep and expanding recovery. In a combination of questions, information, dialogue, guidance, and coaching together we unwind the tangled mess clearing your way out of the emotional, mind-bending maze.
No two sessions are alike. The dialogues are unique and coaching is improvisational based on where you are and inspired by your needs, your personality, and what’s important to you.
We begin from where you are and find the way to where you want to be. Each session is unique to you.
Together we map your way out of hell. Session notes and summaries become a reminder and guide.
Add these to your contacts so you don’t miss a newsletter! jennifer@truelovescam.com info@truelovescam.com
As a certified coach, upholding industry standards I strive to inform, educate, invite thought and dialogue, to co-plan, co-strategize, advise, consult, refer, recommend, train, teach, guide and coach people in guided recovery and discovery specific to these crimes, and from hell and broken in the aftermath to whole again, and more. You decide what winning is.
Affiliate links are in some True Love Scam Recovery articles. Clicks on these links provide minor compensation to keep the site running. www.truelovescam.com and its agents are not licensed as attorneys, medical doctors, psychiatrists, psychologists, or therapists. See the entire and full True Love Scam Recovery Privacy Policy and Legal Agreement and Disclaimer here. Thank you.
Hoovering nut bags want to “stay in touch.” But we hesitate, stuck in yet more cognitive dissonance. We have decisions to make.
Hoovering narcissistic sociopaths (you might be calling them a narcissist without using the sociopath word, but whatever we call them they) keep up the masquerade up and the facade place as long as possible.
They do this even in the face of pure ridiculousness and obvious lying. They don’t care or mind if we know what they are…! Not one jot. They do care what we do once we know.
They mind very much if we “stay in” or bolt. If we kick them to the curb or leave the cookie jar open. If we tell others, or if we’re going to keep our mouths shut.
Any and all of this can only happen through contact. Hoovering is contact… and has the same motivation as any contact they’ve made since day one and the first hello. Isn’t this how the whole thing happened…? Them reaching out?
The real-deal answers and real information changes the whole scary schemer.
Con Artists Hoover: We Anticipate Hoovering With Mixed Emotions
Please make any and each decision rooted in a wish to rebuild your life… Focus on and look toward your well being… free your bones and heart and soul and life of the maniac.
Our stomach churns. They’re in our heads. They stay present at the surface and underneath every moment of the day. This is the antithesis of “over.” And if it isn’t over and zero contact, we’ve not yet put a solid step onto the long road of healing.
At this point in the sham, letting our phone ring with their reaching grasp is all-in from their point of view. If they can reach us, they consider us active prey. This is all it takes: buuzzzz-buuzzzz-buuzzzz. (That’s your phone buzzing.)
Hoovering Hits the Gut as Trauma and Harassment
Do you feel that? Even the idea of that phone vibrating and jumping on the table is nauseating. Listen to your gut. Trust yourself. What they care about is that we’re still “all-in.” As long as we leave a portal open, the narcissistic user has a chance to seep their way back in. Or step on in. And stay in.
To Block, or Not to Block the Nut-Bag: Or to Get a New Number?
All it takes is one more buzz of a text, one more late-night call. Another email. Facebook messaging. WhatsApp…another call. – Give ourselves every advantage in healing. Peace of mind, a truly fresh start can’t begin when any portal from them to us is open. We block them, we change our number, and also begin again with a new email address.
Do Know: Sociopaths boomerang; in a year or maybe five they can ring up your same-good-old-number from a new number of theirs and that sickening snake charmer dance begins again with: “Hey! Let’s get coffee…”
Top 3 Reasons for Not Blocking or Getting a New Number
Many find these points to be an obstacle to blocking them or getting a new number:
I can’t change my number because of my clients and my business
It makes me feel strong to see his call come in and not take it
It’s hard to block him; we were together for so many years
It Can Seem Impossible to Block Them: Consider Again
Oh, I get it. We feel like our life has been turned upside down and, it has. What we want to do is take all our reasoning, and all our decisions and turn them into moments of self-care, embracing our own life and building our lives the way we want them to be.
This is separate from basing our decisions on “fear” or “love” for the sociopath or because of not yet accepting what they really are.
Take no responsibility or blame for the presence of these kinds of pathological predatory humans in your life. You’re not responsible for the inhumanity of a sociopath. Do take your healing and the restoration of your life into your own hands. Take 100% responsibility for healing, recovering, and becoming sociopath (narcissist) user free forever. Let’s look at each of these seemingly reasonable reasons for not getting a new number.
Can’t Change Your Number Because Your Clients Use It?
I get how this can seem logical. But. Really….?! Isn’t this the very reason to change your number…? You need your phone. You need your phone. We need to conduct business. To continue building our lives. We need the freedom to create our business without fear, without hoovering, stalking, and mental and emotional torture.
Make this about ourselves. Use this time to change your number so that you can build a business and connect with clients freely; know that none of those incoming calls will be from bozo-the-user.
Have a client email list…? Write a cheery newsletter and send out your new number; maybe with a special offer for your product or service. Most business people strain to find reasons to reach out to clients…! Use this to our advantage. Make it a good thing. Let your phone ring freely.
Breaking Up With Evil
Breaking Up with Evil: Escaping Coercive Control on Amazon
Five women’s true stories of being ensnared hauled through the confusion, lies, fear, and pain, and breaking away.
Told in their own words, they leave nothing unsaid. Find validation and see new glimpses of the truth as they share their stories… Stories that could be any of ours.
Some Say: I Feel Strong Not Answering the Sociopath’s Calls
Fell strong by not answering while the loon rings through…? I do get that. Okay. But, you always were strong, that’s part of why and what about you held their fake life up so well.
Let’s look at this a little. Are you feeling a little flattered that they call? That’s natural, but, does it serve you? Does the experience of the phone buzzing make us feel truly and genuinely good? Or does it leave you feeling pretty rotten over the next few days?
Are you still – somewhere inside yourself still feeling a connection to them that you aren’t ready to disrupt? Are we still in a surreal comfort zone? Are we wanting to see if they call out of fear of them?
Every Move We Make is Meant to be for Our Well Being
We can’t compromise our safety, well-being, and happiness for the benefit of the dark side. It’s a natural, second-nature skill we’ve honed during our time with the sociopath. Painting less-than-good circumstances into reasonable logic is the body’s beautiful, innate ability to make it through hard times.
This is how we survive and adapt to the confusion – technically this is managing cognitive dissonance. We all do this, usually daily. It’s decision-making. Let our decision land on our side.
Cognitive Dissonance is Normal: We Can Resolve to Cognitive Harmony
We weigh and balance, and sort through options as a part of life; We regularly feel cognitive dissonance, in many ways, even throughout the day. It’s essentially decision-making.
As we can’t resolve the things they say to cognitive harmony, holes show up one by one by one. And we fall into that chasm. There’s a ladder to climb out.
We need to make decisions in order to maintain working for a boss whose ethics we don’t fully support, for example. We may swallow what we prefer as a good or safe way to spend time when negotiating how late our teen can stay out on Saturday night. It’s simply resolving a conflict between one thought and another.
We settle cognitive dissonance when we’re weighing whether to eat potato chips and cream cheese for dinner or salad with some healthy protein. – We need this life-saving and species-preserving trait. It’s a great and gorgeous thing — it’s time to turn our natural protective instincts truly back onto ourselves in a pure way. Trust our own lives.
Think of this: Every time that phone buzzes we’re connected whether we pick it up or not. Each time that phone rings we’re being pinged in the soul. It’s up to us… each time we let that phone ring we’re in a battle with ourselves to pick it up and maybe say: “Hello…?” Is this how we want to carry through each day…?
We Were Together for Years
Uhmmm. Yes, and no. Not exactly, I know it seems like a relationship. In this circumstance, however, you were absconded heart and soul within a crime. Know what they were up to. Accepting that these beasts exist and what that means and what truly happened is the foundation of truly recovering.
How to get a new number: Get a new number by calling your phone service provider. They’re happy to let you pick the new number from a few they’ve got available. We’re welcome to do this every few months. In a big city with multiple area codes, you can even switch that up! Exciting.
Know This About New Phone Numbers
They’re recycled. Yes. That means we get a number someone else didn’t want. Who knows why they needed or wanted a new number?
Maybe the number belonged to someone in shoes similar to yours. This means our phone might ring with strange numbers in calls that are not for us. Anything from debt collectors to who knows who or what. Be prepared… but guess who it won’t be…?
Know that anytime your phone vibrates or chimes that the caller it will not be is the con man you’re dumping out of your life. The relief in this alone is unimaginable you get that new number. Feeling your heart rate stay settled and your blood pressure stay normal when the phone bleeps is incredible!
Follow these guidelines and you’ll fall off the pathological user, nutbag narcissistic sociopath’s radar.
How to Handle Calls We Don’t Want and Aren’t For Us
Never answer a call we don’t recognize
Take a deep breath and calmly Google the number after it comes in; you might find it’s a known number for fraud IRS (tax) demands; or just a bakery across town
Block all calls from such numbers
Never answer any call that says: Unknown Caller, Unavailable or Blocked.
Each time, have the confidence to say to ourselves: that call wasn’t for me
Trust your gut
Robo Calls That Make Our Gut Churn
Know those bill-collecting, robo-calls for Javier, Janet, or Dave will stop after a few months. And, P.S. Consider a brand new phone. And leave the old contacts on that old phone. – Start fresh.
Cognitive Dissonance is the Basis of Decision Making
Comfort and confidence in decision-making are some of the first things that go out the window in the confusion and chaos of life entangled by a sociopath. (And these people you’re calling some kind of narcissist.) Harmony in what’s around us and in what we believe to be normal or right and the far distant shore of what we experience with them becomes a chasm we straddle.
What we first experience as profound compatibility with these creatures changes drastically. One foot on one side, one on the other as the divide grows wider. As we can’t resolve the things they say into cognitive harmony, holes, and gaps of oddities show up one by one by one.
We end up stepping into those gapping oddities and nearly tottering to the bottom of that canyon. Fortunately, there’s also a ladder there for us to use to climb out. It’s our beautiful need for harmony that takes us into that dark abyss and lends us the way out.
The confusion escalates in post-trauma. I know the place you landed; I was once there too. It’s a hellish quagmire of quicksand and jello that is PTSD. Knowing what to do comes back slowly. It falls into place in great huge, encouraging chunks with each decision we bravely make.
Please make any and each decision rooted in a wish to rebuild your life for your own sake. Focus on and look toward your well-being as a Drishti point. This leeches the terror out of our bones; the terror wrought by the sociopath’s venomous deceit. You will free your bones and heart and soul and life of the maniac.
Add these to your contacts so you don’t miss a newsletter! jennifer@truelovescam.com info@truelovescam.com
As a certified coach, upholding industry standards I strive to inform, educate, invite thought and dialogue, to co-plan, co-strategize, advise, consult, refer, recommend, train, teach, guide and coach people in guided recovery and discovery specific to these crimes, and from hell and broken in the aftermath to whole again, and more. You decide what winning is.
Affiliate links are in every True Love Scam Recovery article. Clicks on these links provide minor compensation to keep the site running. www.truelovescam.com and its agents are not licensed as attorneys, medical doctors, psychiatrists, psychologists, or therapists. See the entire and full True Love Scam Recovery Privacy Policy and Legal Agreement and Disclaimer here. Thank you.
Recovery from a con man. We’re gob-smacked by the discovery our significant other is a human-soul-ransacking, life-sucking, parasitic-destroyer.
Recover from a con man…? Wow. I mean…how did this become something we need to know about? This discovery that these shape-shifting beasts of evil exist is nothing we’d ever have imagined for our lives.
For many, the idea that someone would lie to them has not crossed their mind. And then to discover that potentially an entire relationship is a lie…? This is the hardest thing we’ll ever do, no doubt about it.
I had so many questions about this phenomenon and found, realized, and discovered answers to every one of them. The recovery and reassembling your life isn’t easy. It takes courage. You will discover how incredibly amazing you are as a fully normal human. – And that all the things you did, said, hoped for, and were confused by are absolutely normal.
We can, you can recover from a con man or the female version of these creatures. Though it’s a winding and challenging and unknown road, have no doubts, after the traumatic fake-lationship, PTSD, and healing we rise.
What is recovered enough for you? There are four phases we pass through going from hell to normal again.
You can come away from this joyful again. You will smile and you will laugh for that genuine place once again. By being thrown into the fire we can forge ourselves to reveal our greater selves.
The most common term used to talk about these life thieves is “narcissist”. This is unfortunately another confusion within the confusion. The reason I say this is because there are people who are narcissistic in this pathological sense in which this person is driven by the way their brain is designed to live as a parasite – to use others rather than connect and care.
Seeing the Sociopath Reveals All Who Are and Those Who Are Not
Then, there are also people who are narcissistic but not of this pathological, evil mind. When both are called “narcissists” there are some truly unfortunate misunderstandings in the way that prolong or prohibit recovery. I will say, that by taking in the full and whole scope of what a sociopath is, the people who are merely dysfunctionally narcissistic also come into clearer light.
If you’ve resonated with the experiences described on my website, you’ve been embroiled and entangled by the pathological kind. The merely dysfunctionally narcissistic person, though sometimes mean or confounding and frustrating, is not motivated by this pathology of sociopathy.
Prey and Parasitic Predator
As targets of a person of this pathology – the pathologically narcissistic, we’ve been targeted by an ASPD, antisocial personality disorder, or what is called an antisocial psychopath in colloquial terms, a sociopath.
As you unwind this and heal grieve, heal, and restore your life, you’re going to be amazed at the depths of emotion and power your life has. And the same applies if you’ve been dragged through hades by a person you’re calling a narcissist. Same thing.
You’re In Trauma Due To a Narcissistic Sociopath
1. Traumatic Event
The prime traumatic event is recognizing the person we love is a monster. This is really a jolt to every bit of our being. We take a physical, mental, and emotional hit. To take in the idea that our life has been a total and complete lie for the length of time we have been married or to living with and in love with or even simply dating this malevolent being is beyond imagining for those who haven’t been here.
As those who have, now know evil. We’re on a first-name basis with a demon that looks like a human. And here’s the good news. This really can become a benefit to your life. And this is meant on a profound level, not mere superficial optimism.
We Decide to Win and We Decide What Winning Is
Right here, at this moment, we determine the outcome of this life-altering event. We can stand up. We take back ourselves and our lives. It’s up to us to find the pathway to resolving each loss, to grieving the loss of what we thought was real but wasn’t … and discovering how amazing we are and how our great human gorgeousness was never lost.
They need us, we do not need them – though that feeling we’ll die without them is elicited from the depths of our souls moments after being hooked in. This is another bizarre effect of the sociopathic-zap.
We have this moment – here, right now – to vow to be victorious in our lives in a way we never would have been without this crisis. This is a bit of a new idea, I’d imagine. This doesn’t mean, “this had to happen for me to be a success in life”. This is: Since this did happen, I’m taking it on and creating value out of it. Winning is our decision to make. It is in our hands.
The Aftermath is PTSD and CPTSD: This is Normal
2. The Unavoidable Fallout of the Traumatic Event
What happens when we realize: The calls are coming from inside the house, as in every scary babysitter there’s-someone-in-the-house movie? What happens when the person we knock boots with is actually the monster? What happens is hell, but I don’t have to tell you that… What we do is decide to restor our lives
Turns out a sociopath and their target are constantly living in two different realities in the same moment. – We’re never in the room for the same reason.
The first three words refer to stress after trauma. That “D” on the end, stands for “disorder.” Please don’t imagine that “disorder” is more than a clumsy word for meaning anything other than the normal and expected need to heal.
Think about it like this, if we break a leg are we “disordered”? Do we need psych drugs? Do we need antidepressants to be ourselves again?
Usually, we just need healing. Usually, family and friends, even neighbors rally around us with hot meals, pillows, and good books. It’s similar in the PTSD after a sociopath. But different.
We weren’t in relationships, these are scams, and that’s why there’s trauma. Don’t believe me… Read what these nasty creatures say about things like the death of a family member, or maybe their mom.
Recover From a Con Man: You Can Heal, Restore, Renew
3. Healing
In true love scam recovery, it’s common that victims blame themselves. Self-blame is a trait of all post-traumatic stress. Survivors of plane crashes, fires, earthquakes, wars, and certainly wars and genocide suffer from this. In these instances, it’s called survivors guilt.
They beat themselves up with: Why did I live?! Why am I the one? Why did they die?! – Plagued with feelings of guilt that they could have done something differently to save others. Depression, weight loss, suicidal thoughts, despair, lethargy, exhaustion, physical illness, and grief become daily companions. Sound familiar?
We must actively participate, create, sculpt, define, demand, and find our recovery and restoration. Be aware of what you believe this all was… Sometimes it’s basic beliefs we’ve taken on about this that get in the way of restoring our lives.
For example, if you feel you need to “do the work“ on yourself and become a better person in order to recover, consider that you may be adopting and accepting ideas that place the blame for this happening at your feet.
This represents a skewed and inaccurate recovery model that will take you not to recovered but to more disappointment and despair, and bad feelings about yourself.
While self-improvement is fine, self-improvement or an improved self wasn’t lacking or needed as the cause or the preventative for this life-jacking you were dragged through.
Remember everything they did was about and for themselves. It has nothing to do with you.
Post-Traumatic Stress Is Normal
Yes. Because post-traumatic stress is post-traumatic stress. We think we see him around the corner. These moments we weep, tremble and have nausea anticipating his next move or a court date. In turns we feel stupid, foolish, maybe even think it’s our fault – we aren’t and it isn’t.
One of the hallmarks of PTSD is having thoughts that have no place in the realness of life. This is a reason to not take our thoughts seriously during this time. To be patient. To embrace ourselves with compassion. We are beautiful.
Just like accident victims see the airline or car crashing all over again. Veterans hear the screams of battle we think we see them around the corner or across the street or turning left at the light ahead in traffic. Our survivor’s guilt is sometimes: Why did I let him do that to me? – Why? Because we’re human. Because we’re trusting, loving people – who believed a monster in disguise.
There’s no shame in being good. There’s no blame for not being clairvoyant. And news flash – real inside surreal: they didn’t do it to us. We could have been anyone. It wasn’t personal. There’s really nothing about us that made us attract or bring the conning scammer to us – nothing other than being a great person.
True love scam recovery takes specific care, just as with any other PTSD, healing takes time. We are not “disordered”, as in having a mental condition, in any other sense than in the need to heal.
Healing PTSD Takes Time, Patience, and Effective Healing Methods
The Confusion, Sadness, Sleeping… It’s all Part of Healing
The true love scam recovery cycle has ups and downs. Like any endeavor, there are steps forward and a tiny step back, move forward, back, further forward, and a bit back until we are fully healed.
Our physical, mental, and emotional health require restorative and rejuvenating care. Sleep, good nutrition, supplements like B and C, and adrenal support. Walking when we can. Yoga. Hiking. Swimming. Low-impact movement that gets oxygen flowing and our hearts stronger. Spend time only with family and those who love us. Friends who love us. Cuddle kittens and puppies. Don’t listen to love songs.
Blossoming from PTSD is possible! In complete healing, we rise up like the Phoenix from the ashes; creating a beautiful life because of having gone through the despair.
The word crisis in Chinese translates to opportunity. We can, in fact, rewire the synapses in our brains to erase and heal the trauma. There is nothing we could have done differently. What we do now, that’s the thing that matters.
A sociopath aka monster knows quite well that by being themselves, the lives of people they make use of and deceive are shattered into shards. They don’t understand what you’re going through. They don’t care about what you’re going through.
They are precisely what they are and are severely limited in this. It’s their brain, wired with the inability to feel positive bonding emotions. Like a slithery reptile, they may take pleasure from lying in the sun, but also like a reptile they take pleasure in eating their prey, even their own children.
Sociopaths and what you might think of as a narcissist live every day of their lives needing us. Or someone like us. Some human who thinks they re normal. — That monster needs you for survival… not the other way around.
At times, I thought the malevolent being I married and I were sharing a laugh, a joyful moment, or a sense of accomplishment over a goal we reached together. None of this is true. Turns out, a sociopath and their target are constantly living in two different realities within the same moment. – We’re never in the room for the same reason.
I’d find myself laughing genuinely, joyful and happy when we accomplished something that was part of what we were trying to achieve. I was the only one.
He was laughing at the ease with which he was scamming me, sickeningly gleeful at his betrayal (not a betrayal in a sociopath’s mind – simply their right), and feeling exaggerated elation at a win behind my back, using me without my awareness. A story you know well if you’re on these pages.
Sociopaths Love No One: Not Even Us, Or Her, Or Him
They’re all the same. – There is no woman, man, or child on the planet they will ever treat genuinely well, they’re incapable. There is no living person on the planet – no other woman who will ever be loved, or loved more, or loved better by them. They do not love… anyone.
There is no woman better for them. There’s no man more suited to them. A narcissistic sociopath’s world – their entire existence – is hell for anyone near them. Learn to reframe the nightmare or you’ll not be free. you can recover from a con man.
Welcome to the club; you’re not alone! There are so many (too many) men and women in the aftermath of a hijacking. Each gorgeous one of you “replaced” even before they met you in essence. There are always several, maybe dozens of simultaneous true love scams going on. The parasitic, predatory sociopath aka narcissist juggles women and men like oranges or tennis balls.
Resources Without Consent
You’re a source: of money, food, shelter, sex, respectability, connections, whatever it is they scammed us for. The sociopath who hijacked me, while we were married and living together as it turns out had at least the following.
Two other wives, 18 kids, three fiances, three other women he lived with, two women sending him money every month, one man sending him money every month, another man sending him $2,000 at a time randomly here and there, nine girlfriends – all who thought he loved them and only them – and ten to fifteen satellite women – and men – at any given time. This is what they are. Even if we don’t discover it all, the rate of shocking information is higher than the sky.
You were, as I was, an ATM. And the thing about ATMs is that there’s always another one around the corner. Sociopaths and what you might think of as a narcissist live every day of their lives needing us. Or someone like us. Some human who thinks they’re normal. — That monster needs you for survival… not the other way around.
You, We as Normal Humans Are Awesome
There’s a healing bright side to all this: It wasn’t personal. They didn’t do it “to us”. Bizarrely we could have been anyone. We are replaceable and interchangeable. So, cut him or her off in our hearts and we are free.
When I saw precisely how cruel, cold, calculated, and hideous this thing standing before me was, all care for him evaporated. 100% gone. Does this mean I was immediately okay? no. Not by a million miles. But I made myself okay. It took intuition, information, time, support, friends, and family, and won back in all ways what winning was in this nightmare for me. You can too.
Kick ’em in the behind and get them gone. Go no contact, be a non-threat. Then repair, rejuvenate and thrive! Embrace our lives. Beam the compassion and empathy, loyalty, and caring they targeted us for on ourselves.
Add these to your contacts so you don’t miss a newsletter! jennifer@truelovescam.com info@truelovescam.com
As a certified coach, upholding industry standards I strive to inform, educate, invite thought and dialogue, to co-plan, co-strategize, advise, consult, refer, recommend, train, teach, guide and coach people in guided recovery and discovery specific to these crimes, and from hell and broken in the aftermath to whole again, and more. You decide what winning is.
Affiliate links are in every True Love Scam Recovery article. Clicks on these links provide minor compensation to keep the site running. www.truelovescam.com and its agents are not licensed as attorneys, medical doctors, psychiatrists, psychologists, or therapists. See the entire and full True Love Scam Recovery Privacy Policy and Legal Agreement and Disclaimer here. Thank you.
Dating after dating a sociopath…? Dating after a socio-freak is best delayed. Normal dating and normal break-ups are tricky. But that mess wasn’t even a relationship, it was an invasion, a robbery, a hijacking.
Dating after dating a sociopath – or that person you’re thinking is a “narcissist” – is a serious undertaking. I’m going to jump right in and you may not like it, but here’s the thing: don’t even think about dating for a year after an entanglement with a sociopath.
And, I’d recommend only then if the way you spent that year recovering has entirely leeched them from your bones and you have a very stable and accurate understanding of what you were dragged through.
Sociopaths, users, and narcissists alike can smell the scent of vulnerability a zillion miles away. After dating a narcissist/sociopath, if there’s any residua; mistaken or misconstrued idea of what occurred, other sociopaths will notice. Give yourself a break. Take time to heal. Restore and recover and thrive again before dating.
Until we’re healed after time with a sociopath other bandits: sociopaths, malignant narcissists, who by my estimation are truly sociopaths, other narcissists and users of all sorts sniff us out… they’re vultures, scavengers, hunters prey.
We certainly don’t want to end up back “in love” with a sociopath. Please work your way to understanding: we were hijacked. These are not real… Not real relationships.
Unless You’re Fully Recovered…
We need time and the accurate perspective and healing methods to successfully go through the unavoidable PTSD follow the “break up”.
We can’t fall out of our tree-house and just get up and walk away. Falling represents “trauma”, and unfortunately, being entangled by a sociopath is trauma. After the trauma comes inescapable, unavoidable, mandatory time to heal.
Healing, the accurate methods of healing, the gradual intake and realization of what really happened and time are called for. It takes 100% recovery before dating. Dating abstinence is 100% the way to go until we’re fully well and truly recovered.
For a good long time after a sociopath or narcissistic pathological user, it’s as if we’re wearing a neon sign: Take a bite and pass me around. Seconds available.All night diner.Cookies served warm.Candy store open.Fresh meat on a silver platter. Okay. So, I’m getting carried away, but I’m spot on. And this is not because there’s anything wrong with where ever you are in your life. it’s because there are people on this planet who as a way of life hunt for people to deceive so that they can make use of them in any way that they please.
We’ve Got a Neon Sign: Take a Bite and Pass me Around
Dating after dating a sociopath is best deferred… really. – After marriage or long-time entanglements, or a severe experience with a sociopath we need even more time.
If a divorce or annulment drags out or other complications kept the saga alive, think about a dating break of one to two years from the time the annulment or divorce papers are finalized and the legal connection is ended or that last drama is over.
Reframe that dark chapter for true healing. Take care of our spirit. Take care of our health. Build a great future!
Once we have divorce papers celebrate a job well done! Celebrate with friends and family you know and trust. You might find men or women coming out of nowhere all of a sudden who express a romantic interest in you… If you can, put those aside for now, if they’re real and have value, they’ll be there in some months down the road when you’re more recovered… and please, I’m begging you: stay away from dating websites.
Ideally, you can take a dating hiatus and focus on yourself for a good solid year. Sorry to say it, but – dating after dating a sociopath is best put on hold. Dating earlier than a year after dating a sociopath or ending a marriage with one pretty much stumbles into disaster.
I know that’s a bummer to hear, but it’s been proven by so many of us. Please, wait to date. A good rule of thumb is to hold off on the dating scene until you have zero thoughts of the nightmare that ended, the loser you dumped or escaped floating in your head.
Our Own Well Being
Look into developing relationship skills so that you’re more grounded and clear about what’s good for you and what you don’t want. Take some time to explore functional relationship language. There are studies such as neurolinguistic programming, books, and research on healthy language or limiting and expanding langue. This is related to the words others use as well as the words we use that best support communication and connection – or don’t.
Stick close to those we know, and hang near those who love and support us. The way to go in the next months is with family and long-time friends. It might be good to spend time with others who’ve dated a sociopath in support of one another. Or… This may not be a good idea. Others still in trauma can have the effect of keeping our trauma vibrating large.
Surround yourself with people you love and trust. It’s time to regain trust in ourselves and feel good about trusting others. Anyone who judges us is someone to avoid.
You’ve been through acres and gallons of confusion and loss and have been living in a surreal house of mirrors and mazes. Take care of your spirit, and your health, and restore. If you have any unresolved questions about what went on or why…delay dating after dating a narcissistic user.
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As a certified coach, upholding industry standards I strive to inform, educate, invite thought and dialogue, to co-plan, co-strategize, advise, consult, refer, recommend, train, teach, guide and coach people in guided recovery and discovery specific to these crimes, and from hell and broken in the aftermath to whole again, and more. You decide what winning is.
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