The best sex ever. No sex at all. Painful torturous sex. You sleep in one room, they’re in another. Refusal to wear condoms. No eye contact… Despair.
Sociopaths and sex. This is a profoundly confusing element of the true love scam. For some, they find the sex better than any they’ve ever had. For most, this goes south just like all the other pieces of the entrapment by a pathological person in what we first perceive and believe to be a relationship with someone normal.
Naturally, as normal people embarking on a relationship, sex is on the list of things that matter most to establish and maintain a relationship.
Post the traumatic event, we want new. Afterward, we urgently want a new place. Or a new job, different friends, maybe a new name. Take it one thing at a time.
You’d think at the end of things, we’d be relieved. And we are. And then the post-trauma hits. Post-trauma… after the departure from the monster, well this is when we “freak out”. And rightly so. After any kind of traumatic event, at the end of it, that’s when things hit us emotionally.
This is normal. In the aftermath we have a sense of urgency. It’s incredibly common in post-trauma to feel we need to move, to change, to go, go, go to get out of here. To vacate the scene of the crime.
Narcs, narcissists… Sociopaths care so little (meaning not at all) and take so much. They take our things but leave things behind, like herpes. There is help and hope.
Herpes brings a heart-breaking and emotional huge hit… And it always means: someone gave us herpes. And here we’re talking about yet another piece of our lives that changes because of these dirt-bag predator sociopaths… A gift that keeps on giving.
These losers ignore our birthdays but leave behind the gift of their old junk, disaster, despair, confusion… and STIs. We can and must throw away their pieces of trash and the rubble of old guitars and weird sex toys, resolve our losses and truly heal and recover all the way.
Sooooo Many People Have Herpes: For Reals
While herpes isn’t exactly cocktail party conversation it’s a good bet at least one in every six people standing there sipping a mai-tai or an Aperol spritz has herpes. Look around at work and count off six people. One of them has it.
Do the same with your family and relatives or a group of friends. – They might not be talking about it, but they’re dealing with it. – Oh, and that flat-mate with a cold sore…? That’s herpes.
Herpes comes along with feelings of shame and sadness. You’re not alone in thinking you’re ruined or “damaged goods”.
Pretty much anyone who contracts herpes goes through this. And it feels so bad when we’re sick with it. – My idea is that we can put this shame and self-devaluing aside in favor of a little more logic and calm and self-compassion.
Herpes is a virus. The first time we get sick from it feels a lot like the flu – only kinda worse. There’s no throwing up, but you might run a fever and have a horrible headache.
Herpes affects our emotions big-time. We feel depressed, exhausted, worn out, sad, hopeless, lethargic, unable to think, can’t focus – cause yah, we’re sick, and we feel just super bad.
Sound familiar? These are a lot like post-trauma emotions. Yikes. – Go to bed. Sleep. Don’t think about serious things or try to make any decisions at this time. Chill. Grab your Teddy bear.
Breaking Up With Evil
Breaking Up with Evil: Escaping Coercive Control on Amazon
Five women’s true stories of being ensnared hauled through the confusion, lies, fear, and pain, and breaking away.
Told in their own words, they leave nothing unsaid. Find validation and see new glimpses of the truth as they share their stories… Stories that could be any of ours.
The key thing is, herpes is passed from contact with someone else’s herpes outbreak. Yep and yuck. There’s no way to get it or give it aside from body-to-body contact.
Though, they do warn that herpes can come along and hop on over to our place in someone’s bodily fluids and saliva making condoms our friend. we know male sociopaths usually refuse to wear condoms. We know they lie about anything and everything, we know they don’t care. So.
For sure, It does not come from toilet seats or locker room floors. It doesn’t come from sharing a hairbrush or by hugging.
Narcissistic Abuse Unwound
Two Types of Herpes
Herpes comes in two versions: Herpes I and Herpes II. – The essential difference is one of them is on the face the other is in our underpants. The first one, around the mouth, is commonly called a “cold sore”.
Even babies can have them because even a baby can get herpes if say, an adult or older kid with herpes sore on their mouth kisses the baby. I have a friend who innocently and at first unknowingly gave her baby Herpes Simplex Virus I just this way.
Herpes II is more adult. It goes on when we get down to it while one of us has an active herpes outbreak. Intercourse or soft skin such as tongues making contact with a herpes blister or sore transmits the virus.
Saliva and bodily fluids are said to pass the virus from one person to another as well. – And we get it immediately, like in a few days from contact. There’s just no way that nasty little painful, blister thingy is not going to be passed along.
What does herpes look like? Click here. Sorry, it’s yucky.
When Is Herpes Contagious?
Herpes is most contagious when sores are open and wet when fluid from the herpes blisters is oozing. Here’s the little-known factoid: herpes can also “shed” and get passed to others when there are no sores and your skin looks totally normal.
It’s now known, that people can get herpes from saliva rather than someone who’s an active sore. For some people, the virus can live in your body for years without exhibiting symptoms.
So, it could be really hard to know when you got it or who gave it to you. But let’s be real: we know. We know.
The herpes virus is pretty sneaky just like the dirtbag. The virus dies fast-fast outside the body – holding hands, coughing, and sneezing doesn’t pass it. – It is though, part of the chickenpox and shingles family.
What to Do If We Get Herpes
Sadly, herpes is a virus that then lives in our body – forever. We may not have break-outs forever or be sick from it forever. Really. As time goes by the virus can become dormant and not bug us at all! Truly!
And guess what…? The statistics say that one in six people has herpes. That’s only the people who have reported it to a doctor or gone to a doctor for a diagnosis. So, between you and me, don’t-cha-think this figure is likely a bit higher? – In my test group of six, three had herpes. Seriously, I polled friends.
We Can Suppress the Herpes Virus
There are a few ways to suppress the herpes virus. It hibernates somewhere in the base of our spine where it nestles after we’ve contracted it.
There are three highly recommended ways to reduce how often we get sick from herpes and to help suppress the virus into remission.
There’s also traditional western chemical medicine. Sometimes a combo of all this may be preferred. Some report feeling iller from the chemical drugs prescribed by an M.D. than from the actual outbreak of herpes. You decide.
By what we eat and don’t eat.
With specific supplements.
Homeopathic medicine is an incredibly powerful and deep method.
Chemical antiviral drugs: Valtrex and others from medical doctor’s prescriptions
What is Homeopathic Medicine? Great Question!
Homeopathic medicine is amazing. Homeopathy causes our bodies, spirits, and minds to heal. – It causes our bodies to remember perfect health. Each remedy has many uses.
Each remedy has more than one ailment it can address. Every single remedy is made from a single natural compound such as platinum, or a cashew nut or from a spider or a tree bark.
Homeopathy is the main form of medicine practiced in the U.K., New Zealand, Australia and Brazil, Germany, France, and throughout western Europe. It was founded and established by Dr. Samuel Hahnemann in Germany in the 1800s.
Amazing Facts About Homeopathy
Queen Elizabeth had a Royal Homeopathic Doctor, I suspect King Charles kept them on
Prince Philip of England supports homeopathy as preventative and curative health care
Homeopathy is outrageously inexpensive. As in very low-cost medical care
Homeopathy is virtually free of side-effects
You can self-prescribe for their own condition or soemone else’s
You can go to school to become a homeopathic doctor
Homeopathy can eliminate a condition altogether rather than only treat symptoms
Where Can You Get Homeopathic Remedies?
You can find homeopathic remedies in a limited range at Whole Foods, other natural health stores, and anyone can order any remedy of any dosage or strength from Hahnemann Labs in the Bay Area in the USA.
Treating Herpes with Homeopathy
For genital herpes, some commonly used homeopathic remedies are Nitric acid, Thuja Occidentalis, Causticum, Medorrhinum, Silica.
Here’s a recommended round of remedies, from Josette Calabrese, to be taken once or twice each for up to three days at the outset of a herpes break-out to stop it, reduce the severity and ultimately suppress the herpes virus for good.
The camphor is first in the cycle and has the effect of clearing the outbreak and essentially clear the slate. Here’s Josette Calabrese’s article about homeopathy for treating herpes.
15 minutes before and after taking a homeopathic remedy don’t eat or drink anything
Turn the tube upside down
Twist the cap until 5 – 6 balls fall into the cap
Drop the balls under your tongue without touching the inside of the cap
Let them melt under your tongue until they’re completely dissolved
By the way – we can take homeopathic Arnica 30c or 200 for the ptsd in the aftermath as well. And then anytime we experience shock, trauma, loss grief, go for a surgery or are wounded. – Hey, Olympic athletes take arnica orally -as well as in topical form – when they break or sprain or pull something, and cosmeti surgeons in Los Angeles advise taking it pre-op for healing and to stop excess bleeding. I’ve had one medical doctor mention that arnica can raise blood pressure. AS with any thing we’re ingesting: Do your own research.
Antiviral Tablets from a Regular Old M.D. for Herpes
There are chemical antiviral medications by prescription only from a regular western medical doctor. We call the kind of treatments and principles behind western medical M.D.’s allopathic medicine. This medication for anyone without insurance is going to cost a bit, and it’s packed with side effects and the effect of making some people feel sicker. Hmm. Find what works for you.
Suppressing the Herpes Virus With Diet
The virus is suppressed by L-Lysine and can come to the surface and activate with too much Arginine. Lysine and Arginine are amino acids, an element of proteins naturally occurring in foods.
Foods to Avoid: Arginine Foods Can Activate Genital Herpes
Popcorn
Corn
Soy
Whole grains: oatmeal, brown rice, whole wheat, etc.
Peanuts
Pumpkin seeds
Legumes, all beans, peas, lentils, green beans, garbanzo beans
Chocolate
Jello
Turkey
Pork Loin
More than a tablespoon of spirulina a day, often found in protein drink mixes
Self-Care For Treating Herpes and Recovering When We Have an Outbreak
Additionally, always:
Drink tons of water
Add 1 tablespoon of Raw Organic Apple Cider Vinegar in a full 8oz. glass of water every day
Here’s an Amazon link for the best raw, organic Apple Cider Vinegar by Bragg’s, and you can get this for between $6 and $8 at Whole Foods or other markets
Add one half or whole fresh squeezed lemon to a full 8oz. glass of water, daily
Get good sleep regularly
Avoid sugar and packaged and processed food
Walk, do yoga, swim, hike, bicycle… nice and gentle exercise
And especially during outbreaks sleep, sleep, and sleep and:
Avoid stress – skip watching the news
Dodge things that make you sad during outbreaks, sad music, nostalgia, sentimental thinking, and emotionalism
Side-step conflicts, confrontations, and upsetting things
Save making serious decisions for another day when you feel well again
Hope this helps!
These Scum Bags Are Nothing but Scum
So – this is another reality that hits some of us from these hijackings. There’s so much to understand, and manage, new ways to think about what went on, and lots of health care that never crossed our radar before from extreme weight loss, weight gain, PTSD, candida, and yeast infections… Geez-Louise.
You can do it. We can win. You’re human: gorgeous inside and out and imperfectly perfect. Carry on. Embrace your life with compassion. Love yourself. Time to thrive.
Add these to your contacts so you don’t miss a newsletter! jennifer@truelovescam.com info@truelovescam.com
As a certified coach, upholding industry standards I strive to inform, educate, invite thought and dialogue, to co-plan, co-strategize, advise, consult, refer, recommend, train, teach, guide and coach people in guided recovery and discovery specific to these crimes, and from hell and broken in the aftermath to whole again, and more. You decide what winning is.
Sociopaths’ sexual boundaries. Vague, twisting, bending, illusion. Sociopaths’ gender and sexuality is fluid. Sociopaths play with anyone in their path. Seducing vampires in human skin.
Sociopaths’ sexual boundaries change with their prey. This might seem a bit odd, but remember from our point of view, everything about a sociopath (even if you’re calling them a narcissist) is odd.
What I mean by this is that sociopaths have hidden netherworlds that not every one of us gets to see. Or more to the point, they have habits and tendencies that are not shown to every one of their prey. They decide prey by prey how much of their debauchery and what “flavor” of their sexuality to let out of the bag.
Sociopaths’ Sexual Expression
Sociopaths present a “persona of normal”. They piece this persona together as best they can. They wear this face so they can walk this earth among us.
It seems these dull-witted creatures have gathered the significant tips that they need in order to hook us. in that every sociopath knows that they must “put out” sexually in order to best ensnare prey… Because sex is important and signifies a real connection to us.
To establish a “romantic relationship” naturally, sex would need to be part of this in order for us to believe we’re in something real… Something real and normal. They know this.
Their sexual boundaries, their sexuality, and their sexual expression as presented to each prey are a part of what they use to bind people to them.
Sociopaths’ Sexual Pull Ensnares the People they Use
The pathological user’s sexual boundaries, their sexuality, and their sexual expression – as presented to each prey – are a part of what they use to bind people to them.
Remember: this too is a presentation, a facade… Until you get to the heart of their dark sexuality. Then you’e see that they ignore prey sexually, use prey for sexual entertainment including violence, use sex as blackmail, a binding tool and that they “put it out” absolutely anywhere they feel a an urge to.
No matter their outward gender, no matter the gender of a target, sociopaths coax out the same trust. Lure in, and administer the same feigned care, take with the same malevolent agenda.
The Podcast: Narcissistic Abuse Unwound
The Sexual Facade Is There For Us All
They execute the same duplicity. Evoke the same pain. Elicit the same fear. Let slip the same bone-chilling words that reveal what they really are, in truth so evil our good and sweet normal minds reject it.
He’d empty his pockets littering the dresser; the cards scattered like grubby, smeared candy wrappers. Evidence. Cards from Nikki, Janet, Mike, Simone, Tony, Darren, Heidi… an in-take of men and women. Party favors from a good night’s prowl.
Our head spins. This is trauma. The world as we know it, and our place in it, sliding out from under us. And being the gorgeous humans that we are, we must reconcile their bizarre words with what’s right and good. This is normal. They aren’t.
Breaking Up With Evil
Breaking Up with Evil: Escaping Coercive Control on Amazon
Five women’s true stories of being ensnared hauled through the confusion, lies, fear, and pain, and breaking away.
Told in their own words, they leave nothing unsaid. Find validation and see new glimpses of the truth as they share their stories… Stories that could be any of ours.
Sociopaths’ Sexual “Anything” Has Nothing to Do with Love or Normal
Seeing sociopaths’ sexual boundaries and gender as an open-ended expanse, colored in and molded to fit whichever prey dangles in their claws, is a hideous revelation.
This is a hard one to accept, but as I made my escape, I absorbed the truth of this. In the earlier days after I kicked him out, I had to gather evidence for my green card fraud annulment so I contacted every woman I knew of that he was involved with. Each and everyone that I suspected as an “other woman”.
Head-Spinning Revolting Discoveries From Other Prey
A sociopaths’ sexual reality is another piece of the mask that falls away, another bottom that drops.
Among the flock of women he kept in his grip, one of the designated fiancés asked me, is he bisexual? One of his girlfriends asked, is he gay? There were more… it went on for months.
Standing frozen with my phone to my ear, another so-called fiancé of my so-called husband told me, …yah, we’d get really drunk and he’d f–k me in the a-s every night. A wall slammed shut somewhere inside me. I couldn’t hear any more. Not another word before my mind broke.
Their Stories Spin Our World
It was more than I could take without losing my balance. My head spun, the earth fell out from under me, and another part of me opened up to a whole different picture of this Mr. Charming, this amazing husband of mine.
A part of me knew this was the truth, this was the creature I was married to. I was married to a lying, deceiving, hideous “thing”. I grabbed on fast to that truth and let it save me.
Con Men Sociopaths Reject Prey Sexually
All the while, early on the sociopath con man I married refused to be sexual with me. Mingled in with the confusion and pain of this, his rejection brought out a compulsion, a desire to please, to appease him.
Bizarrely I’d been dragged by his story telling into a sickening moment of the only sexual intimacy I ever really had with him, not an experience I enjoyed, but one purely for his pleasure.
Hoping to bring intimacy back in place as it should be in a marriage, I’d risk a glance his way, try to get in a word, linger in a room where he was, try to touch his hand. Wanting so badly to seem natural, casual and to hit-it just right so it wouldn’t make him mad, but would make things normal. It didn’t work.
I discovered that the sexual rejection by a sociopath does something that lands us right in the palm of their hands. Our feelings of rejection while under their spell falls in their favor. They observe this. They can’t comprehend why or how it works exactly… but they know it.
The thing is, any and all of our normal reactions are what land things to their side of the court. In this case, sexual rejection, and rejection of intimacy, rather than leading us to break up with them immediately, first – and maybe for a long time – makes us try harder. The desire for connection consumes us, then desire becomes drenched with pain, and then it’s only pain.
Normal Means Giving the Benefit of the Doubt
I also spent time giving the benefit of the doubt. I looked for answers that didn’t include straight-out rejection. Hopping onto the internet, googling away, I discovered something called sexual anorexia, or intimacy anorexia.
This is a condition that keeps people from intimacy with their primary partner but renders them highly promiscuous. The other listed traits of intimacy anorexia, such as childhood abuse (he claimed), and all the rest fit what I’d seen or been told by him about himself. With a very heavy heart, I decided this was the problem. The heavy, sad weight of what I saw as my future can’t be described.
Normal Couples Face Things Together
I imagined – and feared – facing this together overcoming this as a couple. Talking about this was not simple and came with dread. I think this dread was an effect of the quliaty of their presence rather than what I might have felt if her were a normal person with actual sexual anorexia.
Then one evening the right timing seemed to be in place, somehow not only was he at home and not busy fiddling around online or in another room, but the topic of our non-sex life was open. This was as far as our intimacy ever went and it was rare. I knew this would be my only chance to try and talk about it.
In our first months together he’d sit up until early in the morning talking and talking. I’d sometimes sit on the floor at his feet, his simpering, agreeable audience. I have no idea why I sat at his feet. My knees bent on their own spontaneously and I lowered to the base of his chair to the carpet.
We Do What We’d Never Otherwise Do Under Their Spell
I’d never in my life sat at anyone’s feet with one exception: I sat in the same way at the feet of one other man years before… I now also know this other man was also a sociopath.
So, as I folded to the floor, inside myself I thought how odd this was and wondered at it still. I could see myself in my mind’s eye in this pitiful, weak, bizarre position and setting. Who was this? It felt like a play or a dream that I wasn’t dreaming but that played in my mind moving me through it like a marionette.
Sitting on the floor at the end of the couch where he was laid out so that I was as “next to him” as I ever got at this point, I gently, quietly said, it could be sexual anorexia…
I stopped myself short as his face pulled into a contortion like a wild dog showing its fangs. He spat at me, whisper-hissed and snarled in disgust somehow mingled with a smirk and amusement at the idea of my stupid notion, tttsssszzz, sexual anorexia!
A Sociopath is Never in the Room for the Reason We Are
I didn’t say another word. I had seen his ind at work. Rather than being hurt by this rabid rejection and disdain, I observed him. He was exhibiting glee at a new discovery mingles with amusement that I was seriously looking for reasons fo this sexual absences other than because he’s a sociopath and this is what they do. In other words, he was proud and pleased and amused that I still considered him an actual normal human and was taking the time to “solve our problem” as a couple!
So, he saw that I was still hooked… and: he discovered a new thing he could claim as a excuse for not having sex with hie prey. I had given him something he could use. Something he hadn’t known about that would draw empathy for normal people and buy him time in their lives.
He was also laughing at how preposterous it was that I thought he might have this condition when in fact, he was highly sexually active, though never with me. My sincere confusion and pain over this was a sign to him that I was deeply hooked and still “in”. This is what every sociopath needs to monitor. I’d done his work for him (again) by bringing up this concern it proved to him that I was indeed locked into place and saw him as “normal”…. or normal enough to still be there.
Normal Tires, Fixes, and Stays
My genuine worry and attempt to “fix us” showed to him that I was “in place” as prey. He had no interest in a discussion about it. His response was motivated by his preference that I shut up, and it had his desired effect.
He had no such problem as sexual anorexia, but me spending time thinking that he did in essence paid the way for his presence in my life for a few weeks more in which he well and truly tore things up.
By the violence of his response, I’d say for certain that my attempt to talk about it also signaled to him that things were wearing thin for me, that I was closer to that moment when the spell breaks than he’d like. It meant he needed to move quickly to take more, which he did. And indeed, 90-days later I kicked him out. – This dynamic is what’s actually happening in any scene or moment with a sociopath.
Confusion Stays and Pain Remains
His compulsive and predatory sexual-hunting glared in the crinkled business cards he collected and carried home like little prizes of potential. He’d empty his pockets littering the dresser; the cards scattered like grubby, smeared candy wrappers. Evidence. Cards from Nikki, Janet, Mike, Simone, Tony, Darren, Heidi… an in-take of men and women. Party favors from a good night’s prowl.
In retrospect, looking at it from the psyche of a sociopath, and when put together with the things his “other” women had said, What I realized was he’d been talking about himself.
He spent the next day sorting the cards, shuffling them in his paws while he sucked on a Heineken. He passed them off as potential “business connections”. – He was big on networking.
Sociopaths’ sexuality is rampant, in my hell it showed up in a string of gold foil-wrapped condoms that fell from his pocket as he undressed at 5:00 in the morning after one particular night’s prowl.
This happy event took place on Valentine’s Day morning, with nothing else to mark the day aside from my discovery made as he lay snoring, drooling onto his pillow on the couch.
Sociopaths are Highly Sexual and Sex is Their High
Hands shaking, stuffing the longer string of prophylactics back into his pocket, I let two golden, shiny condom packets that were on their own unattached to the others lay on the carpet at the back left leg of the chair his pants were dangling from. It looked like they’d fallen from his pocket on their own.
Coercive Control Arises Spontaneously From Their Influence
The sexual dynamic we’re drawn into with a sociopath, what we accommodate or bring ourselves to tolerate under their spell is never our normal. It is theirs.
People tend to think of coercive control as the obvious blackmail or threat, If you don’t do this, I’ll that! kind of tit-for-tat orders. It can be. But it isn’t born of that and does not first begin like this.
Our morphing how we are and what we prefer to fit them is in fact the coercive control And we do it mostly without ever being asked. This is the very confusing an heartbreaking aspect of the power of sociopaths. It’s the bit that makes us ache in agony and wonder how we could have done what we did.
Coercive Control In Sex Or In the Kitchen is Identical
The fact is the element of, and the effect of coercive control kicks in the moment we think they’re attractive, nice, cute or funny. It kicks in the moment we meet even if we don’t think they’re cute, if they keep at us for about 10 to 14 days, it’s possible we flip in that two weeks. We’re in. It’s a grip that comes from their very breath and infiltrates our very being before we can say Bob’s your uncle.
This is normal and very, very misunderstood. This is why people on the outside looking at us in a mess on the floor afterward can only shake their heads. It’s why we rail in tears when by ourselves, muttering, why did I, and I should have. It’s what leads us to believe it’s all our fault… and what some feel entitled to say happened because of our “lack of boundaries”. They are wrong.
Please know what ever we did under their spell is normal. Everything we did, whatever it was, is okay. That everything will be okay.
Add these to your contacts so you don’t miss a newsletter! jennifer@truelovescam.com info@truelovescam.com
As a certified coach, upholding industry standards I strive to inform, educate, invite thought and dialogue, to co-plan, co-strategize, advise, consult, refer, recommend, train, teach, guide and coach people in guided recovery and discovery specific to these crimes, and from hell and broken in the aftermath to whole again, and more. You decide what winning is.
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The smear campaign is so painful. It’s all about the sociopath’s need to position themselves to come out smelling like roses. It doesn’t work. They smell like poop. Always.
The smear campaign… a nightmare inside the nightmare. They go to great lengths to conjure themselves into the role of “victim” in the eyes of their “fans”. It’s in order to keep empathy falling into their slimy laps, so they can keep taking and using and getting away with it. It’s all smoke and mirrors.
Smear Campaigns are Born of Basic Sociopath Survival Needs
The sociopath is obsessed with making sure no one ever catches on to just how heinous they are. This is their only goal. Looking like the victim and the “good guy” is their ploy to that end. It has to be.
This facade feeds into their survival. When we’re smeared across social media, to their family, to our own family, it can seem like everyone believes them. And, sadly, lots of people do believe them… at first.
The truth is, you’d think it’d be easier to pull a rabbit out of a hat than to make people truly believe any sociopath is a good guy or gal – and yet, it seems everyone around us buys into their malarkey.
And at first, they do… hang on though, because eventually they won’t, but still the liar must conjure up their good-guy story. They’re compelled to for their survival.
Get answers, gain skills to see the truth, and be free.
A Sociopaths Survival is Always Hanging By a Thread
Everything a sociopath says or does is for their survival. It may not seem so to us, as we’re terrified, mystified, and can’t figure out why they’d say what they say… they seem powerful. It seems that everyone believes them, yet inside the sociopath, their knees are knocking. They know their world is made of lies.
Antisocial psychopaths function from a limited range of cognition and are without emotional intelligence due to their abnormal brains. The few remaining intact parts of their brains do include intense and unwavering survival mechanisms, just as does the brain of a cockroach. These are bizarre and dark creatures who run when the light goes on.
The thing is, though it feels like it, the smear campaign is not designed solely to torture us. As much as it seems like it, the sociopath isn’t thinking about us, they’re doing what they always do: They’re thinking of themselves.
Their Only Concern is for Themselves
The focus of a sociopath is obtaining their desires. Ultimately, their strongest desire is for their own safety. This requires getting people to trust them, and the need to get in quick and hit it hard. And finally to make sure they look innocent when the thing falls apart once they’re done ransacking someone’s life.
To this end, they’re busy planting lies and stories about how wonderful they are, and how awful we are well before that last text, “I’m done.” Or that whaling whine, “I’ve tried as hard as I can to make this work. I can’t live like this anymore,” as they exit the scene.
Breaking Up With Evil
Breaking Up with Evil: Escaping Coercive Control on Amazon
Five women’s true stories of being ensnared hauled through the confusion, lies, fear, and pain, and breaking away.
Told in their own words, they leave nothing unsaid. Find validation and see new glimpses of the truth as they share their stories… Stories that could be any of ours.
Why do they need to talk so badly about us? We did everything! Gave everything; we were incredible, the best boyfriend or girlfriend, wife or husband anyone could be! Then, after all that, this – this is what we get?!!? Yep.
Sociopaths need to preempt the truth about themselves before it walks in the dooras often and as hard as they can. We’ve seen them do this many, many times while we were with them. It’s that storytelling thing. It’s one of their basic tactics.
Smearing is nothing more than more of the same from their limited bag of tricks. The pathological predator’s only way to look good is to make others look bad.
Smear Campaigns Begin from the Millisecond After their First “Hello”
We’ve witnessed “smearing” a zillion times while with the sociopath. In retrospect we shake our heads in disbelief as we clearly see talking badly about other people was pretty much the only “conversation” they ever made.
Since it was while we were entranced by them, wanting to make things work out, and about someone else, it didn’t seem so harsh.
They don’t know when enough is enough since they’re devoid of the emotional sensibility of a normal, limbic brained person.
Remember the tale he told about the guy at work who pocketed the office’s petty cash? Then blamed it on the sociopath, so he got fired? And the further insistence that really he was innocent and the other guy was a liar and a thief?
That’s smearing. Remember the one about the ex who cheated, was a drunk and used him for money? Well, that’s us now. Now we’re the story.
“Someone” is Always Behind the Spot They’re in Now
There has always got to be a “someone” as “the story” in a sociopath’s life that is a sob story, a hardship episode they still suffer from. “Someone” has got to be the one who put them in the tight spot they’re in now.
They need this setup so their new prey feels bad for them. This is what lets them borrow money, move in, or whatever they need in “support”. These stories are not ever the truth. Nothing they say is what we think it is or the full truth. The smear campaign is storytelling. It’s the sociopath’s most used tool.
The smear campaign serves another extremely important purpose: it keeps prey, both current and former, from talking to one another. They need us to not band together and piece the truth into the ugly picture that it is. This is the point of the majority of their storytelling and what many call their “triangulation”.
Woven Fantastical Lies Make Up the Tales of Their Past
Every sociopath comes up with a combination of the same things to say about former prey. The basics put out there by a sociopath smearing their prey don’t vary much because, well there are only so many “bad things” you can say about people.
So they call us: crazy, drug addicts, mentally ill, liars, cheaters, or say we beat them. They sometimes like to add in personal jabs such as, we’re fat, lazy, or old and stinky.
The delicious and ridiculous part is their limited skills and tactics come back around to give them away and hang them for the very bad guys they truly are. Let time perform its magic. The truth will out.
They straight out tell stories about our crimes; they say it along with some elaboration, such as, “Don’t talk to Linda. She forged my signature on a check and emptied my bank account… I had to break up with her. And along with all this, they post images of themselves looking happy with a new “wife”, or “boyfriend”. Et voila, abracadabra, we’re bad; they’re good.
Since sociopaths are missing emotional intelligence and haven’t experienced emotions in the way we do, they have no emotional barometer to gauge emotional nuance so they tend to lean into the dramatic.
In other words, they imitate what they think is our genuine experience of emotions in order to seem normal. It’s off the mark and overdone. They don’t know when enough is enough.
Smear Campaign: This is a Time to Defend Ourselves to No One
Sociopaths count on our emotional response. Our emotions in reaction to them can land us right into looking “crazy” so they look “normal” which they need. They wield their pronouncements as “proof” of how yucky and nuts we are.
We run around like a cat chasing its tail trying to defend ourselves and prove them wrong; we get nowhere and for the most part, end up fulfilling their accusations in the eyes of onlookers.
When we defend ourselves on social media posts, to friends of their friends, to their family, it supports their negative false story about us. It makes them look like the good guy and the guy who tells the truth. It just does. Sad but true. Frustrating but real.
Trying to Disprove Their Crazy Makes Us Look Crazy
And more so, defending ourselves tampers with our well-being; when we hop around trying to disprove what they say about us we stay in trauma. If our focus is to disprove the bad things they’ve said we don’t even begin recovery. Because: horror-of-horrors – we’re still in it. They still have us hooked. This is what they want. – Don’t give it to them.
Please: I beg you… explain and defend yourself to no one. If we challenge the things they say where ever those things pop up, speaking out against every story we hear that they’re telling about us, not only will we look crazy – we’ll drive ourselves crazy doing it. Stay no contact. Block them. Keep tales of their stories away from your ears.
Save speaking on your own behalf to where it counts: in court, in legal situations, in reports to authorities that you might make, and your friends or family who fully support you. – The friends and family who don’t get it can be put on the back burner for now.
Smear Campaign and All: We Don’t Stay Their “Story” Forever
Eventually, the sociopath stops and fades into the background. As the days roll by and we stay no contact, they begin to feel smug and certain that we aren’t coming after them or sending people to break their knees or have them arrested or blow their cover to their wife or mom. This is when they lose interest in us and need to put their attention where it bears them fruit.
They have many new people to prey upon, so many juicy, plump, fresh unknowing people to live off of… and more recent “exes” than us. They’ll continue to spin new stories in which the key bad-guy character isn’t us, but some other prey. This is what they do. It isn’t about us. None of any of it was personal. None of it. – This is key to our recovery.
It’s all and only about them using the limited skills they’ve got for their miserable survival. And the delicious and ridiculous part is their limited skills and tactics come back around to give them away and hang them for the very bad guys they truly are. Let time perform its magic. The truth will out.
Add these to your contacts so you don’t miss a newsletter! jennifer@truelovescam.com info@truelovescam.com
As a certified coach, upholding industry standards I strive to inform, educate, invite thought and dialogue, to co-plan, co-strategize, advise, consult, refer, recommend, train, teach, guide and coach people in guided recovery and discovery specific to these crimes, and from hell and broken in the aftermath to whole again, and more. You decide what winning is.
True Love Scam Recovery, Narcissistic Abuse Unwound, www.truelovescam.com, Jennifer Smith and its agents are not licensed as attorneys, medical doctors, psychiatrists, psychologists, or therapists. See the entire and full True Love Scam Recovery Privacy Policy and Legal Agreement and Disclaimer here. Thank you.
Is love all we need? It might be… if we’re talking about a relationship with a puppy. So many things make our world, but most of all it’s our beliefs that shape our experiences.
We hear a lot of things about relationships, about marriage, and what makes them work; “love” is always the bottom line: “If you love each other.”
We also hear: relationships are hard work. And stories of love at first sight, or being swept off our feet. We’ve all heard the adage that says love conquers all, and have been told that all couples fight.
When things go wrong we’re counseled by well-meaning friends or family with things like boys will be boys. And you still might hear that a woman’s place is in the home. And when things are really rough someone might tell us, you made your bed, now lie in it. – To my way of thinking, “love” somehow got lost in here.
“Unconditional” Loves Makes Room for Bad Behavior
It’s said that true and real love is meant to be unconditional, as well as some who say the legal contract of marriage is phooey and, that it’s only a piece of paper.
There are so many expressions describing the experience of love, let’s look at more of them: we fall into it; we’re crazy in it. Sick with it, and: all’s fair in love and war.
If you think about it, you’ll come up with a barrel full and more of these platitudes floating around. We’ve all heard all of them. We all absorb them unconsciously, or believe them all the way.
I have to say, personally, none of these sentiments cause me to want to be hit by cupid’s arrow. A really important question to ask ourselves is: How do our beliefs about love help us and how do they cause us to suffer?
What Do These Metaphors Mean About Our Expectations in Relationships?
Relationships are Hard Work
Are they? Is this a fact..? I coined a slogan long ago from my own experience in relationships: when it’s right, it’s easy. – Isn’t this just as valid? – What’s “right” has to be factored in. We won’t get “easy” if we want different things when it comes to the big questions in life like where to live, how to live and having kids or not.
Honestly when it comes down to it things won’t last if we have different ideas of what’s funny, or favorite foods or eating styles. Vegan vs. fast food is not going to have many happy meals together. A smoker vs. a runner is going to have a short lap around the track at best.
This is kinda romantic and yes, there can be a primal pull to someone, an attraction that goes deep, but actual l.o.v.e…? Not so much. That would take more time. Guess who wants us to think the real deal happens in one instant?
Swept Off Our Feet
Yes! That adrenaline rush and that floaty feeling like our feet left the floor and our head is full of clouds. That sounds very unstable. Like being out of control…and it is just that. This isn’t the time to jump into a commitment. It’s time to take a step back. It usually signifies something isn’t quite right, or isn’t really for us.
What Truly Conquers All in Life?
If only love conquered all. We love our dolls when we’re little; that doesn’t stop them from getting dirty or lost. Our goldfish captures our hearts; they still stink up the glass bowl and die anyway. Never being defeated by loss or grief, or life’s ups and downs, now thatconquers all.
It’s Noble and Poetic to Stick Around No Matter What
Let me not to the marriage of true minds Admit impediments. Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove. O no! it is an ever-fixed mark That looks on tempests and is never shaken; It is the star to every wand’ring bark, Whose worth’s unknown, although his height be taken. Love’s not Time’s fool, though rosy lips and cheeks Within his bending sickle’s compass come; Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks, But bears it out even to the edge of doom. If this be error and upon me prov’d, I never writ, nor no man ever lov’d.
Every Couple Fights
Do they…? First of all, what constitutes a fight? Screaming? Throwing things, ignoring us, calling us fat? Wwho would do that…? What the heck is there to fight about? In my experience, when it’s right it’s easy. There’s nothing to fight about.
Boys Will Be Boys
Really…? We know who likes this one. This palliative phrase echos another historical era, like when people thought the earth was flat, and believed if we walked far enough we’d fall off the edge. Boys need to eventually be men. And men and boys will be held accountable. If they are subhuman as a pathological user then, bye-bye.
A Woman’s Place is in the Home
Hey, I love home. Home is where the heart is. And as women we have a place outside the home too. Again, the earth is no longer flat and girdles are not required.
You Made Your Bed
Life is about creating what ever we want. We’re never stuck in any one place. This is from those flat-earth and earlier beliefs. When women were property and even as near to now as the 1980’s when women had to fight to get a bank loan to by a house on their own.
Our Beliefs About Love Create Our Experience
It’s Only a Piece of Paper
As if marriage is unimportant and the legalities and life changing effects therein are “only a piece of paper”. Nope. A marriage certificate is not “only a piece of paper.” In legalities alone there are many, many binding alterations to our life. Those are in place until we divorce them. That nightmare-ish process is another can of legal worms, and includes myriad little pieces of paper I’m sure most of us hold in high esteem.
And then in real life terms being a wife or husband is entirely another realm than boyfriend territory even if you live together. Anyone who’s been married knows the experience of that something that kicks in that makes everything different. This is a life bond.
Marriage, from an emotional or spiritual and legal stand point is far beyond a piece of paper, even if we don’t know that until we experience it.
This sentiment is a bizarre notion. To me it signifies a free hall pass to any and all (bad) behavior within a relationship. Nope. Not a good idea.
Unconditional acceptance is for babies, actual infants, not grown men and women. Pathological predators depend heavily on our concept of this kind of love in order to use us. To me unconditional love is reserved for babies and puppies, so to speak.
We’re “Crazy In Love”
The pathological predator, a sociopath is incapable of feeling love. Love is nothing to a sociopath. We are their prey. They are dependent upon us. There’s no love going on here.
This expression about how it feels to love is natural. It can seem whirlwind and so exciting and we’re crazy about them! What we’re discovering is that there are situations that are full of chaos, trauma and legitimate fear. This is not “crazy in love” this is the trauma of being involved in anyway with a pathological user.
In the aftermath of this mess, when we talk about our feelings to others, they’re cool at first – maybe. Typically at a certain point things flip and we get a sense hat they think we’re crazy.Being entangled into a fake-latioinship by a sociopath feels like crazy and we start to think we’re crazy. We aren’t crazy. Recovery from crazy is possible.
We “Fall Into” Love
Fall…? Remember falling…? Like from childhood. Falling, was bad. It hurt. It was a loss of control, an absence of safety. A lack of choice. An accident. Traumatic. Falling happened to us, we didn’t decide to do it. How is this related to love…? Does this concept need to be a part of our ideas about how we love?
I don’t know about you guys, but I don’t want to be sickwith anything. I get it, that longing that aches and is the pain of wanting someone. Especially if they go out of town, or already have a girlfriend or boyfriend, or they don’t seem to notice us. But – uhh – that was high school.
All’s Fair in Love …and War
Where the heck did that come from? Come on. No. It isn’t. Personally, I think there’s nothing fair whatsoever in war. And I firmly believe that all is meant to be fair in love unless you’re meaning it’s fair to lie. Nope: that’s not fair at all. That’s criminal.
Why Isn’t Love Enough?
The nasty pathological predator counts on our surrender to love, our complete trust in love combined with our lack of understanding that this kind of predator exists and what that means.
They depend on us buying into the idea that we’re blinded by it; that it’s enough, that love doesn’t question, that it never dies, that if it’s “true”, it lasts forever and until death do us part. In reality with a pathological predator, such as a narcopath (a sociopath), it was never there and we typically only know that after they’ve parted us from our health, money, property, sanity and dignity.
Are There Other Ways to Conceptualize and Live Out Love?
How many concepts of love can you think of? There’s a fool for it, and that other person is our better half. We’ve all heard what’s his name from that movie say:you complete me. – Sorry Tom, but that’s just not our job.
Make a list of as many ideas stuffed into little idioms or platitudes that you can think of. Then think baout how they contribute to confusion or maybe pain. Then check out the TED talk below for some great ones and alternatives for new ways to think about and experience love.
What If We Think About Matters of the Heart a New Way?
What if we thought of love differently? For example, as something we partnered in? Or stepped or walked into rather than fell into? If we turned the popular concepts we live from into new thinking, such as: we collaborate in love? That we create it, build it. Grow into it and within it. Choose it and harmonize in it. Imagine if those feelings of love could be enough if we thought of them in a new way.
Here’s a great TED Talk discussing how we think of love and how this shapes our experience of love, Just like with all things in life: from our perspective, our expectations, our beliefs that determine and give us the fortitude and wisdom to conquer all.
Ms. Catron works with words and language and talks about how we think of love as a form of madness, and metal illness, and it’s full of violence and we fall into it, and are smitten by it as a vengeance from an angry God. What if instead, love were a collaborative work of art?
Love Is How and What We Make It
The pathological predator, a sociopath is incapable of feeling love. Love is nothing to a sociopath. We are their prey. They are dependent upon us. There’s no love going on here.
Add these to your contacts so you don’t miss a newsletter! jennifer@truelovescam.com info@truelovescam.com
As a certified coach, upholding industry standards I strive to inform, educate, invite thought and dialogue, to co-plan, co-strategize, advise, consult, refer, recommend, train, teach, guide and coach people in guided recovery and discovery specific to these crimes, and from hell and broken in the aftermath to whole again, and more. You decide what winning is.
Affiliate links are in every True Love Scam Recovery article. Clicks on these links provide minor compensation to keep the site running. www.truelovescam.com and its agents are not licensed as attorneys, medical doctors, psychiatrists, psychologists, or therapists. See the entire and full True Love Scam Recovery Privacy Policy and Legal Agreement and Disclaimer here. Thank you.
