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Narcissism is a hot topic these days. Narcissism comes up as a discussion point at any dinner party, on a girl’s night out, at a hang, or during a pub crawl. It’s spiked all over the place.

Personally, the topic comes up almost everywhere I go! I don’t know why… but people start talking to me in the Trader Joe’s line on the track at the park and… voila. They’re describing their experience with a sociopath. Maybe I have an invisible sign on my forehead!

Complete Narcissism Heeds No Boundaries and Eclipses Normal

coaching after narcissistic abuse and coercive control with Jennifer Smith, True Love Scam Recovery

For certain they tell me about someone they consider pathologically steeped in narcissism. Usually a person they were in a romantic relationship with… or thought they were. One that took them to their knees.

Naturally, we’re confused, befuddled, and boggled that a person could actually not care. Well, a normal person can’t *not* care. A pathologically narcissistic person does actually not care.

A pathologically narcissistic human is a sociopath: Take The Sociopath Test, this will give you an idea of what they are…

There’s No Such Thing as A “Narcissist”…?

You might be calling them a “narcissist” and think they are the way they are due to a wounded childhood – that’s fine. However, this is in reference to the non-pathological – not the pathological.

The pathologically narcissistic are these monsters who hijack people’s lives. The ones who lie and lie and lie – even when they wouldn’t need to in order to benefit. They are the way they are because this is what they are…it’s how their brains are wired and cannot be undone. – These are sociopaths…and technically they’re psychopaths.

This is really difficult to imagine, take in, and accept. As a step in this, consider what limits your scope of understanding and which viewpoints might hinder recovering and restoring your life.

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Sociopaths aka Narcissists aka Psychopaths Are Real

Here’s a great rule of thumb: if you’re suspecting someone in your life is a sociopath or pathologically narcissistic, they likely are. Otherwise, and truly beyond this, a diagnosis isn’t necessary. It’s our instinct we want to look to and trust.

Either you’ve had an experience you lived through with a sociopath, or you might know someone among your family or a friend who has been in this hell or maybe know a friend who’s currently in it. It’s possible you have a child or parent or family member who is a person of pathological narcissism.

I hear from clients about brothers who walk into a room at night to kill their sister or mothers who use their child’s identity to take out loans. A father or a sister can be a sociopath as well.

Sociopaths are individuals who are narcissistic to the extreme, therefore if we use our way of thinking to decern what they are doing we always miss the mark. We can decipher and parse out more of what happened and recover, and heal when we think of these people as antisocial psychopaths, sociopaths, or psychopaths. The ultimate condition of ultimate and complete narcissism.

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Narcissism Understood For What It Is

And nowadays for me, not at all surprising, there are those who out-and-out say, yep, my dad is a sociopath. Or my last boyfriend was a sociopath, an absolute psycho. And, my brother’s wife is one, we haven’t been allowed to see him or their kids in two years.

A person of the kind of narcissistic pathology we’re concerned with has no other physiological or biological, mental, emotional spiritual way to interact with others.

The next thing I hear most often is, I’m not sure what they are. Something’s wrong. But how do you know if someone’s a sociopath or just dysfunctional in relationships?

Toxic People Are Seen in Their Behavior

The person we’re experiencing pain with or have great conflicting confusion about is best analyzed through their behavior. It’s what’s key.

As a parent to someone of this pathology, it’s surely noticed long before they’re unable to form relationships of a romantic nature as an adult. As someone dating one of these nut jobs, it’s truly seen from moment one and we can learn to recognize that.

Narcissism Leaves No Room For Caring

This pathology does not allow relationships of any kind. The goal and motivation of one of these pathological users are to do whatever they please and to get away with it. Additionally, their only ability to “connect” or “relate” to others is to make use of them for their personal gain.

A person with the kind of narcissistic pathology we’re concerned with has no other physiological or biological, mental, emotional spiritual way to interact with others. They quite consciously and deliberately attempt to wear a mask of normal.

Seeing Clearly is Key

It’s very often us, as people who feel we love them or grew up with them or have gone into business with them who imbue them with emotional qualities. We create explanations for their behavior that are “feelings” based.

If you hear yourself saying, “well, she was abused by her uncle”, or “he had a rough childhood” – be wary. When we think, “well, yeah, he did that, but it’s because he feels bad about himself because of_____. Stop yourself before you paint that picture. We create reasons for their behavior; reasoning that does not exist in their psyche or heart.

We imagine the reasons for their actions and fill in an emotional life to explain their behaviors that in fact do not exist within the life of the pathological user. Reasons that are not at all the user’s motivation. – This is one way in which it can be said, we create the mask.

We Are Not in Relationships Though We Feel We Are

These people know they are not in the so-called “relationship” for the reason the non-pathological (normal) person is.

Survival is found in counting on the normal person not knowing their true intention. Their existence requires deception and fraud and this is the nature of any and all of their “relationships”.

Taking, Using, Deception and Fraud are Rooted in Narcissism

In practice, you see pathological users of the sociopath ilk use others for money, places to live, respectability by the association to someone, for connections to others to make use of, for anything and everything.

We usually discover “other women”, debt, overspending of our money, porn, messages of a personal nature to people we’ve never heard of, hidden run-ins with legal issues, and things like DUIs. There’s typically a general vagueness to how they spend their day no matter how busy they make themselves out to be.

Narcissism Leaves Pain, Confusion, and Despair

The trail of harm and hurt and destroyed people these creatures leave in their wake does not faze them in the least. Here’s where we go off track deciphering their actions: the pain and destruction aren’t necessarily their goal. It’s not typically their initial goal upon first engaging with someone in a faux-lationship.

Our pain and ruin do signal to them that we don’t understand what they’re up to or their true intentions and feelings about us. Ever notice the smirk?

This is their pride showing; their narcissistic pride in a job well done from their point of view. The tears and accusations signal we’re emotionally hooked and involved. This is all they need.

If a pathological user enjoys observing others’ pain, our suffering is an extra bonus. When they’re the kind of pathological user and predator who enjoys seeing people in pain and this is their predominant desire, then our pain is their goal. These particular narcissistic users are soemtimes focused on scamming someone and are more focused on creating pain and torture. Some do both.

Narcissism to a Pathological Degree Disallows Caring

They genuinely do not care. There is no ability to care within them. This brain pathology leaves them unable to care. This is to say, they don’t make a decision to “not care”. That kind of decision would be a choice made that comes from weighing things out between caring and not caring; a choice that comes from caring. This is impossible.

They literally and starkly and completely do not care. Any suggestion of caring is a lie and a piece of bait in order to get something they want or leave the impression that they too are normal and trustworthy.

The notion that they care, comes from us. A quality or character trait of “caring” about or for someone else is not within them. It is indeed a quality that makes up our entire being.

Making Use Of Others Requires That We Don’t See Them

It’s normal that we don’t see this for what it is. No one can see something that we don’t know exists. We’re all in the process of realizing this dark and destructive empty, non-connecting element of human life does exist. It’s a lot to take in.

We can take it in, and we must for our wholeness and our well-being. We get to remain fully human and empathetic and gorgeously human and at the same time learn what a pathological predator is and how to recognize them. When we do know how to spot them they are left powerless.

When we can escape, heal, recover and restore our lives to one of gorgeous humanism including this new wisdom we win for ourselves and for all humankind.

As we recover from our own entanglement, the piece that must be woven into the recovery process and come out fully knitted together on the other side, is in knowing how the pathological user – the narc, narcissist, sociopath – sees the world, how they think and what that truly means. If this is missing, the restoration of our lives is compromised. This is when we look like scrumptious dinners to the next user who sees us.

It’s us gaining the skills to recognize and know a pathological user or predator for precisely what they are and what they intend on sight, no matter what is coming off their keyboard or out of their mouths, that leaves us user-proof forever. – This great empathy, this incredible skill we have to read others’ feelings… This is our saving grace not at all a weakness or downfall.

Defusing Narcissism, Unmasking Their Intent Is Up To Us

The day that comes when enough of us can see them as they are, then all of us will. This is the phenomenon known as a collective consciousness and the tipping point. When enough of us have this knowledge all will.

As people who’ve experienced this directly, we’re here carrying out a service, we’re turning our suffering into a mission that will, in fact, diffuse the harm. We’re pretty amazing. When we can escape, heal, recover and restore our lives to one of gorgeous humanism including this new wisdom we win for ourselves and for all humankind.

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As a certified coach, upholding industry standards I strive to inform, educate, invite thought and dialogue, to co-plan, co-strategize, advise, consult, refer, recommend, train, teach, guide and coach people in guided recovery and discovery specific to these crimes, and from hell and broken in the aftermath to whole again, and more. You decide what winning is.