13 Red flags. Sidestep a narcissist, avoid that sociopathic predator lovebombing, gaslighting, liar worming their way into our lives.
The “red flags” to recognize a toxic person, a narcissist, a con man, a sociopath are there. In an encounter with one of these creatures, our guts shout warnings at us, but in ways we haven’t heard before, and through a fog of lovey-dovey hypnosis. The “flags” just aren’t plainly visible or as recognizable as others and even we might think they would be. There are a few reasons for this. Let’s talk about those and then get to the red flags!
Narcissist or sociopath? Sociopath or narcissist..? Or just narcissistic? Please… know what you’re truly facing.
Narcissist or sociopath…? There’s a feeling for many people that a “narcissist” isn’t a sociopath. The category of NPD is thought by lots of people to be different and “better” – meaning not as bad as a sociopath.
It’s normal to hope that someone is not “as bad” as something that’s really horrific. I get that! – But there’s more to it.
To arrive at a real understanding of these escapes and in recovering what you’re facing, you have a better chance of restoring your life.
If you’re wondering about and spinning over someone you’re calling a “narcissist”, you’re best off thinking of them as a sociopath in order to find answers and stop the spinning.
Because while one is annoying and no fun and sometimes mean and icky and can be hateful (a narcissistic person), the other (what you might call a narcissist and the sociopath) is ruinous and can be fatal. – Yes, fatal as in, we could end up dead.
Then to add another confusion, there’s the word, “narcissistic”. That’s different again. A human who has some narcissistic glitches is not usually a narcissist as in the kind that is a sociopath. I know that’s confusing. However, coming to terms with what is what and the terms we use to refer to them for the purposes of restoring lives and our freedom from both or either is critical…
Not knowing the “narcissist” you’re scared to death over is actually the same thing as a sociopath or that a “narcissistic person” is like a day at the beach by comparison to them is detrimental to resolving questions. It prolongs the pain.
A Hard Road Against Mainstream Thought
It’s convenient to fall into what prevails out there in the now-massive information pool available online. It’s easier to imagine that these heinous creatures, this “narcissist” has a “childhood wound”. It’s nicer and more of a human way of thinking to imagine that they’re jealous of us. – And it’s perfectly human to imagine and believe that it’s your “codependency” or low self-esteem that holds you there.
But I’m here to tell you, those things are not true. These beliefs are causing you more harm. Those beliefs are prolonging entanglements with people of zero humanity who wouldn’t mind if you bled out on the floor while they had their lunch.
They Can’t Be That Bad
The fact that we look for good and can’t imagine they could be as bad as it seems like they are is a testament to how gorgeously good you are inside and out. Wanting to see – and seeing – good before evil is because you are made of “good”. Having to step into a place to see that another human is truly bad is difficult for us, especially when this person is someone we’re married to or have a child with, or have spent the last six years or six months of your life with.
The idea of a “narcissist” who has self-esteem that apparently our own, so much so that they only pretend to love, is somehow more “relatable”. Why is this…?
The Wounded Soul
With this explanation, it seems simply then as if the meanie in your life is a human with human problems. We think of them as like us. With this explanation of a “narcissist” who is wounded, has faults like anyone else that can be “fixed”, you can believe that somewhere deep down they also really do love you.
I understand this is more comforting than taking in the reality of a sociopath. If this is where you are with it, that’s okay. But I invite you to go further. To open up to these new ideas that will explain things so that you’re no longer exhausted with the effort of shoving an explanation into place… Answers that don’t fit so that you’re dead tired and still confused…. and still hurting.
Another Confusion: Narcissistic Glitches Are Not Pathological
There are people who are self-focused – narcissistic – sometimes and only about certain things. They can have narcissistic glitches that we snag ourselves on when we’re in their lives.
Their narcissistic glitches do indeed arise from their lives during childhood or as learned behaviors linked to insecurity, and fears or unmet needs as children. These “self-oriented” tendencies affect others and leave them on the outside of a mutual relationship.
This is the person I refer to as someone who is narcissistic. They have narcissistic glitches. This is non-pathological: they’re a person with narcissistic sticky bits, but a normal person who loves, likes, and cares. It hurts a bit sometimes – or often – to be loved, liked, and cared for by them.
Pathological Means It Is a Part of Their Mental Condition
A pathologically narcissistic person is a sociopath and exhibits behavior that is involuntary, and pathological, meaning it’s a result of their brain. The way they think and see the world is out of their hands. And behind their thinking is pure and total self…narcissism. They have no room in their consciousness to care about or for other people.
This pathologically narcissistic person is full of delusion and is pure narcissism. There is room for nothing else in their closed-circuit-of-self-house-of-cards lives. They cause ruin, tear people’s lives apart, and do the things we call: love-bombing, gaslighting, devaluing, discarding, ghosting, hoovering, and smearing.
Someone who is narcissistic but non-pathological might gaslight as in the y might deny that they said something mean about your new haircut or how you look in that dress – or that as your parent, they told your sister that you’re lazy behind your back.
They might lie to us. They call us names or make fun of us, however as compared to the pathological sociopath/narcissist it’s quite different. They are not a fraud. Their behavior and effect upon people around them are light years apart from a sociopath aka pathological narcissistic person: the defrauding con man – or woman – who drags us through love scams.
Breaking Up With Evil
Breaking Up with Evil: Escaping Coercive Control on Amazon
Five women’s true stories of being ensnared hauled through the confusion, lies, fear, and pain, and breaking away.
Told in their own words, they leave nothing unsaid. Find validation and see new glimpses of the truth as they share their stories… Stories that could be any of ours.
Unless you willingly and deliberately walk into knowing what you’re escaping or recovering from, you stand a chance of staying in pain, confusion, and more hell for many days to come.
Turning away because of the word “sociopath” and its full meaning regrettably slows restoration and healing. It delays the restoration of our lives. Without taking in the real deal we can miss a life of happiness and remain in either a life under the spell of a sociopath – or under the thumb of a narcissistic person. – Or both.
Clear As Mud: Filter the Gunk
The thing is, unfortunately, confusion mounts with the ever-growing collection of online materials and social media written about narcopaths, narcs, sociopaths, narcissists, and even psychopaths. If you feel lied to, or deceived, if they use more of your money than theirs if you feel confused, uncertain, or sense something is wrong, have fear, discover they use another name sometimes or are physically or sexually used or sexually rejected… think of them as a sociopath.
Outright Evil Is Out There
As normal, limbic-brained whole humans, we had no earthly idea that our new dream man or woman was someone who ensnared us.
There’s only one type of person a pathological user would have no interest in. The person who fully, profoundly, and calmly accepts that sociopaths (narcissists) exist and knows what that means.
That this was a human-looking being who could hypnotize us just by saying “hello” and we’d fall into a maze of a colossal dark and hideous chaotic whirlwind of a nightmare in which we suffer loss beyond description… Voila, the “sociopath”.
For our purposes of living it, understanding it, and recovering, healing, and side-stepping a “narcissistic person” is one thing – and a “sociopath” is another. There are vast differences between the two and lots of confusion about which is what. I admittedly get hot and bothered about it.
A lot of this is a language, a vocabulary problem. “Narcissistic” is an adverb or adjective. Like that’s a fantastic dress! Or, you did that beautifully! Or that was a misogynistic comment. – It adds detail as to how something is done, or in this case to qualify someone’s behavior. — “Narcissism” indicates an ideology or mental state or philosophy. Such as all “ism” words: optimizations-ism, pessim-ism, -professional-ism, rac-ism. Plenty more, can you think of some “ism” words that represent an ideology? — “Narcissist” is attempting to be a noun. A noun by definition is. name for a person, place, or thing. Great. The problem is the coining and use of this word carries an extremely muddled definition. This is not working well as a noun. For instance, if I say “car”, is there any confusion about what I refer to? Aside from not having further details, (adjectives and qualifiers that tell us the brand or fuel needs or color of the car) we all know what a car is. If I say “fish”, aside from further details (adjectives and qualifiers that tell us the variety or size or color of the fish) we all know what a fish is. When the word “narcissist” is used the confusion and misunderstanding are colossal: and dangerous. Misleading. Inaccurate. And does not help anyone.
The DSM IS Not Written For Us
I understand the words and references to a “narcissist” either covert, overt or malignant… come from the DSM. That’s nice and makes sense as a place to turn… at first. And these are sociopaths.
But consider this: the DSM is written by scientists. It’s an ever-evolving work of findings from studies. imagine a bunch of nerds found a slew of cockroaches and categorized them by differences in antennae length and wingspan. I mean so what if one roach has a shinier little eye than the other…? At the end of the day: they’re all roaches!!!!
The Experience We Have Is The Proof Of What They Are
Additionally, imagine they’ve never come upon one of these hideous revolting insects personally. Do the meticulous and tedious results of their measuring and sorting make anyone of these revolting creatures, not cockroach when we come across one in our kitchen?
That would be a huge no. Covert, overt, malignant narcissists have the influence and effect of sociopaths when we find them in our lives. They are in fact sociopaths.
This sociopath a brain that leaves them with no ability to connect or care and therefore leaves them minus a conscience. – A narcissist…? A regular nonpathological narcissistic person has a conscience.
Personally, I have not ever based my own experience in the bowels of freaking horror-show-real-life-hell on the clinical research findings.
Findings meant for the diagnosis of personality disorders mainly for the purpose of making prison sentences, prescription drugs, social services, and all out of the compulsion of scientists and researchers to do their thing… which includes the ongoing need to meet application parameters for grant funding and make the requisite detailed and non-experiential based conservative diagnostics of that questionable person.
I don’t think you’re best served by doing this either. The DSM and all those splinter categories of overt, covert, cluster B. They don’t help us. They aren’t written for us. They muddy the path out of hell.
Recovery and Restoring Lives Can Be Lonely
To be honest, it’s lonely and exhausting to keep harping on about how significant this difference is for restoring our lives after a hijacking by a con man who is a sociopath and dripping into psychopath territory when they get pleasure from observing others’ pain. – Not to add more confusion, but fundamentally a sociopath and a psychopath are in the same mental circumstance… The word sociopath is a colloquialism for psychopath… Which is an antisocial psychopath or antisocial personality disorder.
What we need is truth. We cannot heal from anything else. We need to know the truth of what we’re facing. Yes, these terms like narc are much easier to say than the much uglier truth behind the word: sociopath, but they muddy the situation.
But when I check my website’s stats sometime in the evening and see that eight people in Romania and three people in Malta have been reading my website that day along with the 8,000 others from around the globe… I know I have to keep it up.
For goodness sake… These people kill people who think they love them. This is a sociopath, and if the person you’re calling a narcissist fits this – they are a sociopath – an antisocial psychopath.
A part of the problem in understanding for the purposes of safety and freedom is language. Words. Just plain old not realizing the meaning of words. Nouns, verbs, and their meanings and applications.
Calling someone who is actually a bona fide sociopath (as in a noun; the name of a person, place, or thing) and calling them a narcissist (noun again) is a fairly natural thing to do. This happens for some very reasonable reasons all of which can be dispelled and rectified for a cleaner, faster, better more accurate understanding, and recovery:
Sociopaths are narcissistic – that’s the verb; to be narcissistic.
Sociopath is a big scary word!
The technical medical term: antisocial psychopath is even scarier!!
People trip up on the word, antisocial, out of misunderstanding what that means in this context.
A Sociopath is Pure Narcissism
Sociopaths are 100% self-focused and self-centered. This is narcissism all the way. The thing is, a sociopath is far more narcissistic than any “narcissistic person” could be.
A sociopath (lump narcissist in there) has an abnormal brain and will never ever be remotely human in any recognizable way. – Though we think they look human in a super cute way when we meet them.
This sociopath a brain that leaves them with no ability to connect or care and therefore leaves them minus a conscience.
Another sticking point is that we may not all be shown the horrors of what they really are when we’re entrapped by them… However, their full capacity of harm, destruction, and bottomless evil is there, nonetheless.
Keep in mind, narc or narcopath are more euphemisms, colloquialisms, slang – made-up words to handle the nightmare more easily. Kinda like a spoon full of sugar makes the medicine go down.
Knowing What We’re Facing Matters
When a sociopath (a narcissist) it’s mixed up with the concept of a narcissistic person, it dangerously dilutes our understanding and leaves us without answers, in pain, suffering, and stuck in trauma and the inevitable post-trauma. What we need is the truth. We cannot heal from anything else. We need to know the truth of what we’re facing.
Yes, these terms like narc are much easier to say than the much uglier truth behind the word: sociopath. These are words that are easier-to-handle, but muddy the situation. Aren’t things crazy enough…?
Don’t we need the fog and confusion to clear, though the reality is harsh? Clear is kind as Brene Brown says. Let’s sort through this hideous maze as simply as possible.
Narcissistic Person vs. Sociopath vs. What the Heck is Going On?
The term sociopath feels harder to swallow and is used far less often than the word narcissist. The word sociopath sounds so much more horrific and ominous, but… a narcissist is a sociopath.
This sociopath has a brain that leaves them with no ability to connect or care and therefore leaves them minus a conscience (this is the thing so many call a narcissist). – A narcissistic person – a regular non-pathological narcissistic person has a conscience and feels love.
Some of them more so than others, true. But unless they cross the line into living off of others by deception, they are not of this abnormal brain that makes a sociopath (narcissist).
Now please, don’t let the spell we fall under drag you into thinking the person you call evil also loves us. Not even because one day they seemed like they did. Not because of that one time you laughed together. That’s part of the spell and part of the effect of what’s called cognitive dissonance. Please take a moment to search my site for this article and read more about how it’s normal to feel or think that they must have loved us even a little. Why Do We Believe the Lies of a Sociopath If we’re calling them evil, think of them as a sociopath.
Narcissistic Person or Sociopath Litmus Test Made Simple
Chances are if we call him or her a monster, evil, or the devil, or a demon we’re confronting a sociopath (narcissist). Clinically a sociopath has a specific under-functioning brain that cannot be repaired at this time in the history of humankind.
The bottom line though is this: whatever we call them, we don’t want them. We’re not doctors, we don’t want to be doctors or psychologists or neuroscientists – we do want to be happy. Where the difference between these two – a narcissistic person and a sociopath (narcissist) comes into play for us is in our lives, rather than in mental health medical books.
Narcissistic People Range from Unpleasant to Hell-ish
If you’ve read about a covert narcissist or a malignant narcissist, consider them sociopaths. From our experiential situation, they are. Realize the DSM is not written for us.
Narcissistic people (the nonpathological – not the sociopath aka narcissist, narc, narcopath) have a snarky way about them. They can be nice or nasty one minute to the next, in front of anyone, to anyone, anywhere. The narcissistic person varies in levels of self-absorption. Some are only petty and annoying once in a while, while some seem loony in the extent of their unflinching “me-ness.”
Narcissistic People Do Like Certain Attention or Acknowledgement
Sometimes, it’s like no one else is in the room except the narcissist and their audience of self-approval. Each conversation is a land mine and always reverts back to them. It’s always a sad, frustrating, hard time talking with a narcissistic person. It’s frustrating and can be lonely and hard.
It’s tough to be relaxed or feel okay to say things to them naturally, as one would to a friend, to family to a partner or coworker or boss, or neighbor.
There’s a Difference Between Michael Scott from “The Office” and Leo’s Character in “Catch Me If you Can”
Each narcissistic person has their unique way of being a pain in the derriere; that’s French for the caboose, our behind or rear-end. Each individual narcissistic person, who is what we used to simply call a dysfunctional person, isn’t especially predictable one to the other.
However, when you know a particular narcissistic person well you can begin to guess when their moods will shift from tolerable to caustic to mean. How they manifest caustic and mean varies depending on the individual narcissistic person.
Examples of a Narcissistic Person
Here’s an example, let’s say a neighbor draws you into a conversation when she sees you getting the mail. You’ve learned to avoid her because it usually goes something like this… Like a slap in the face. Every time.
The Narcissistic Ne: Nice day isn’t it?
You: Yes, lovely.
The Narcissistic Neighbor: I don’t know what to think about that so-and-so-in the news lately.
You: It’s horrible isn’t it? We need to look into new policies or laws to stop it.
The Narcissistc Neighbor: Well, don’t talk to me about that, that’s not my concern!!
Here’s a different narcissist, two seconds into a conversation with a big grin they say:
Narcissist Neighbor: So, hey, Bob, you believe in God, don’t you, Bob? Come on, Bob, don’t you know there’s no God? This is the age of Nihilism, Bob.
You: Great. — And you walk away. You already know not to be dragged into their particular brand of antagonistic narcissistic glitches.
Narcissistic People Have a Chip on their Shoulders
Narcissistic people control the household, everyone is held hostage to their whims and expectations that revolve around themselves and their intense opinions.
If we have a narcissistic parent we might find as we get older there’s a much sweeter world out there where we don’t all have to agree that Siamese cats are ugly or that eggs can’t be digested in the morning.
Eventually, later in life, we realize, if we’re lucky, we aren’t inherently, eternally rotten for ruining their 38th birthday by falling off our training bike at age four and breaking our arm.
Or for robbing them of their “best umbrella” because the friend we loaned it to one rainy day after school twenty-five years ago never returned it.
Narcissistic Person vs. Sociopath (Narcissist) vs. Happy
Narcissistic people are impossible to please in certain areas, they make less than great mates, and can be rotten friends. They can be “okay” to spend time with if we go where they want to go for dinner and agree with them all night.
At worst they make misery everywhere. When someone has nothing invested in any type of relationship with them things are easier. If we’re not particularly close to them they can be fun and seem “okay”.
On the other hand, not experiencing or finding proof of some of these horrible things they do can keep us in and trying to make things work longer.
They can be funny or intelligent or not, their personalities vary. A narcissistic person isn’t usually aware they offend others or make them feel marginalized. Conversation with a narcissistic person is sprinkled with the narcissistic person’s acerbic and self-centered awareness. If they’re drinkers or yellers or violent… it’s so much harsher.
A sociopath (what you might call a narcissist), on the other hand, is using you. Using you entirely for their own purposes and is quite clear this is what they’re doing. They want your money, your beauty, your respectability, and trustworthiness to borrow for a cover for who they are.
The sociopath, the pathological user is using your “normal” to take things, gain things, and make use of you. They’re not who or what they first seem to be or say they are.
There Aren’t Enough Words
While some words used to describe a sociopath and a narcissistic person are similar – the depth and breadth of the manifestation of their narcissism are light-years apart.
You could say sociopaths want control over prey and as targeted prey we do feel controlled… But, on a deeper and more real level, what they want is purely to get away with what they’re doing and to keep taking as long, and as much as possible. This does happen when we don’t understand their fundamental thinking and motivation and concerns.
This is why thinking of a sociopath without incorporating a narcissist, a narc, and a narcopath into the same umbrella and then all on its’ own a narcissistic person is a roadblock to restoring and recovering and healing and learning skills to be pathological predator and user free forever.
What People With Narcissistic Glitches Are and Are Not
Narcissistic people – the ones who are non-pathological, yet have narcissistic hiccups – are not pathological liars. Pathological liarscannot not lie. Pathological means it comes from the way their brain works; it’s their biology rather than a choice.
Nearly all they say and all they say they are is a lie. It means lying even when they don’t have to. They also know they lie and aren’t bothered by it one bit. A non-pathological person, even one with narcissistic glitches, would have trouble with lying.
Non-Pathological Narcissistic People Are Not This…
The people we know who are at times irritating or even hurtful because of their narcissistic glitches are very different from those who are pathologically narcissistic. If someone is doing these things, they are a sociopath (narcissist for those still using that term).
Entrap people through deception to live off them financially
Hijack people’s lives to sustain their own facade
Mimic and fake emotions to seem normal
Have criminal minds devoid of humanity
Sociopaths are Dangerous
Sociopaths are technically referred to as antisocial psychopaths, or as being of or havingantisocial personality disorder. They are 100% pure and only: narcissism. There is no room in their body or brain for consideration of anyone outside their own skin. They think they’re better than anyone on the planet. – Again think of this as the narc, narcopath, narcissist: they are a sociopath.
A sociopath is a whole different nightmare than a non-pathologically narcissistic person. – If you’re having a horrific nightmare experience, you might reconsider who or what you might really be facing and how you think of them. Information about a no-pathological narcissistic person won’t be any help and can in fact be a hindrance to your recovery and restoring your life.
Sociopaths – the pathologically narcissistic – are far worse. At the top of the list and at the bottom and all through it is that they can never change. Some are savvier and have garnered more tricks for tapping our human emotions so they can use us than others. at the end of the day, and from the first hello, they’re more dangerous than I’d ever really hope you know.
Sociopaths Are Missing the Human Chip
Their brains are missing the element that registers feelings of love, like, care, concern, or compassion for anyone. Anyone. – They are incapable of positive bonding feelings. Zero.
If we think they have a heart we’re missing some of the puzzle pieces. We’re buying into the mask, which is natural and what they count on.
The sociopath’s mask is largely held in place by our own great goodness. It’s glued up there to their sickening faces by our understanding of the world as a place of only goodness. We have a very hard time seeing evil and accepting that evil exists. That’s normal. And there is far more good than evil and good does win.
Sociopaths Are Constant Liars: It’s a Pathology
Pathological lying isn’t lying sometimes, or on some occasions, or to some people; it’s lying all the time to everyone about all things because that’s how they’re wired. Sociopaths are pathological liars, even if we don’t yet see it.
And in addition, this means they believe lies others tell them and behave as if the lie were true. We can maneuver them when we understand that in their heads: lies are real and real is made up.
And I’ve said way too much already for one little article: but much of the time they’re actually telling the truth, but we can’t understand it as such because we’re pure goodness as normal humans who don’t know monsters exist.
Non-Pathological Narcissistic People Do Not Have an Abnormal Brain, Sociopaths Do
Sociopaths have an abnormal brain. This can be seen in brain scans of children as young as three years of age. Their cold behavior stands out as young children. The portion of the brain that registers any positive bonding emotions doesn’t function.
They feel no love, care, concern, compassion for any person. Not their mom, their dad, their, sister, brother, uncle, aunt, grandparents, spouses, girlfriends, boyfriends, or their own children. Not strangers, coworkers, or neighbors.
The sociopath-brain leaves a sociopath experiencing the same lack of care or connection to the postman as to their own mother or children. The younger they are the less experience… and so they’re less skilled at conning typically.
They learn more about scamming and conning from each target and improve their bag of knowledge about what affects normal humans as time goes by.
Sociopaths Characteristics and Limitations in a Nutshell
The very presence or contact with a sociopath destroys lives; we might not see all this at the moment, but it becomes evident in the direction our lives go in. Our lives become darker. Our ruin continues in a spiral downward and deeper. We fall further from our own real selves and our true potential as time goes by. Disasters, illness, bad things ensue.
Every target is not shown the full resume of the sociopath who hijacked them. Don’t wait for more proof. Read more about what sociopaths are here. 20 Characteristics of a Sociopath.
Sociopaths Know They Are Sociopaths
Yes, sociopaths know that they are sociopaths, maybe they don’t use the word, but they know what they are. Narcissists though aren’t aware of their narcissism. Sociopaths are.
Terms like narc are much easier to say than the much uglier truth behind the word: sociopath. These are words that are easier-to-handle, muddy the situation. Aren’t things crazy enough…? Clarity is kindness. Let’s sort through this hideous maze as simply as possible.
They all have a varied combo of this and hide it, we won’t necessarily ever see any or all of this in the con man who hijacked us. And, geez, that’s great because it’s horrible and shocking to find out about.
On the other hand, not experiencing or finding proof of some of these horrible things they do can keep us in and trying to make things work longer. And, even if we do see some of this, we have doubts that they could really be a sociopath or that the things we find are as bad as they really are.
All Sociopaths Do Things We Might Not Find Out About
Sociopaths have but hide: Other identities, different names, alternate FB accounts, have secret kids, wives, husbands, divorces, and annulments.
Crimes such as forgery, blackmail, fraud, false claims, nonpayment of taxes, porn, scary sex habits, hidden money, debt, prostitution, violence, assault, rape, gambling, jail time, pedophilia, heavy alcohol use, and drug habits and lots more of this ilk.
Remember: You may not be shown all of this or discover all the hideous dark deeds of the sociopath whose spell you’ve been drawn into. That’s okay. We don’t need to see and know it all. In fact, heck – that’s super traumatic. It does not mean, however, that they are not a sociopath.
Sociopaths live off of other peopple as parasites. – Even when they have a “job”, and this can be confusing. They live off people’s perceptions of them. They have no constructive or nurturing human emotions.
Any expression of care, like, love; the connection is faked. They mimic normal humans to create trust and bonding with people they target for the purpose of taking from them.
Normal human emotions of fear, hope, guilt, shame, love, like, empathy, care, compassion, desire, need, magnanimity, charity, concern are the sociopath’s entryway to taking and using. Then taking more. Using more, then smearing the people they just used to make themselves look like a victim.
Sociopaths Are 100% Pure Narcissism: Which Means Evil
Sociopaths are entirely self-absorbed and have a myopic view that they’re separate from others; better than others by a zillion miles, and that they deserve whatever they take from anyone, and that we as their prey deserve whatever they do to us.
They tell stories that paint themselves as victims in business, at work, by lovers, strangers, by “haters”…
Essentially – they’re nuts. They’re charming and deluded monsters. They carry out new ploys on a whim and constantly have a stable, a collection of multiple targets, sociopaths are always looking for more targets.
Sociopaths who do hold actual jobs stay in them on the backs of others and do little aside from taking credit for other’s accomplishments and ideas and attempting to make themselves look amazing. These use others for every aspect of their survival.
Sociopaths Are Improvisational
They’re improvisational, they’ll switch main prey suddenly if something changes, or they come up with a different idea. They do impulsive things to protect themselves.
These scumbags will put themselves at risk of being arrested or caught by impulsive things they do that are attemps to keep themselves safe. Such as murder soemone to keep that person quiet. They cross lines – or walk a very fine line between legal and illegal like balancing a tight rope wire.
What they say and do is to get what they want. It’s a lie or misleading. Even when they let out bizarre snips of truth about themselves. This is also to pull empathy by seeming vulnerable, or pulling out trust by seeming to be able to admit weaknesses such as, I try to have empathy, I just don’t.
We Were Ensnared By Criminals
They’re life-long career scammers. It’s how they live. They’re often addicted to a drug, alcohol or porn or gambling. They hide this. An antisocial psychopath, the sociopath is genderless in horrifying reality.
They hide this. Sex as love or connection in a real relationship is not part of their lives, sex is a control tactic and as an animalistic release.
They’re life-long career scammers. It’s how they live. They’re often addicted to a drug, alcohol, or porn, or gambling. They hide this. An antisocial psychopath, the sociopath is genderless in their full horrifying reality. They need to hide this.
Chances are, many of us who thought we were breaking up with something or someone we called a narc, a narcissist, or a narcopath may find more answers in reading up on escaping an antisocial psychopath, a sociopath.
Dysfunctionally narcissistic people are sporadically or suddenly mean, unpredictable, and miserable to be around.
Pathologically narcissistic creatures are sociopaths: they leave ruin and destruction through deception (fraud) while attempting to hide under the façade of a normal.
The sociopath mimics normal human emotions in attempts to gain trust and then take from and make use of any and every person they can ensnare. They leave destruction and ruin in their wake. We can break free, heal, and be whole again. I promise.
Add these to your contacts so you don’t miss a newsletter! jennifer@truelovescam.com info@truelovescam.com
As a certified coach, upholding industry standards I strive to inform, educate, invite thought and dialogue, to co-plan, co-strategize, advise, consult, refer, recommend, train, teach, guide and coach people in guided recovery and discovery specific to these crimes, and from hell and broken in the aftermath to whole again, and more. You decide what winning is.
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The sociopath test is simple. So are sociopaths. What they are is limited, specific, and predictable. We can easily determine if we’ve met one. We can spot them a zillion miles away once we become fully aware of the sociopath test.
Is there an accurate sociopath test? You bet there is. The sociopath test is done at home, so to speak. The signs of a sociopath are clear and distinct. Sociopaths – even though you might be calling them “narcissists” – are limited, simplistic, predictable creatures.
That thing you’re calling a “narcissist” … the sociopath secretly loves the Holidays. Storming out because you didn’t make their favorite dish is a cover. It’s how they get out of the house to hunt… in the most wonderful time of year.
During the holidays, normal people want things merry and bright. We have family visiting, kids to make memories for, traditions to uphold, trees to decorate, cookies to bake, and presents to wrap.
It’s never easy to grasp the real-deal stark reality of what’s going on in these hijackings. There’re the secrets, the subtext, and the hidden motivations of these creatures that are elusive to us. When we’re in the initial throes of the struggle to clear the fog to confirm the person we love is a monster, the holiday season is the bitterest time of all for decoding what’s up.
Sociopaths, even though you might be calling them “narcissists”, must hook prey. They’re constantly baiting… Casting a “line” in order to hook prey.
Hooking prey is a user’s full-time job, no matter if you call them a sociopath or a narcissist. They hook prey with bait. Every time they open their mouth they’re tossing bait. Pretty much everything single thing they say or do is bait.
We think it’s love but fall into a world of hell. A hell that for all its pain, we can recover from.
True love scam as a reality – beyond scary movies and television shows – is coming into focus like never before. How bizarre it feels to know something’s wrong, something needs to be fixed but you can’t pinpoint what it is or name it.
Finding yourself in a relationship nightmare as I did in 2012, you likely whipped out your laptop or smartphone to google away for answers. This search for information begins for most of us when you’re feeling that something’s wrong, yet you can’t put your finger on it, and nothing you do changes it, or makes things better.
Narcs, narcissists… Sociopaths care so little (meaning not at all) and take so much. They take our things but leave things behind, like herpes. There is help and hope.
Herpes brings a heart-breaking and emotional huge hit… And it always means: someone gave us herpes. And here we’re talking about yet another piece of our lives that changes because of these dirt-bag predator sociopaths… A gift that keeps on giving.
These losers ignore our birthdays but leave behind the gift of their old junk, disaster, despair, confusion… and STIs. We can and must throw away their pieces of trash and the rubble of old guitars and weird sex toys, resolve our losses and truly heal and recover all the way.
Sooooo Many People Have Herpes: For Reals
While herpes isn’t exactly cocktail party conversation it’s a good bet at least one in every six people standing there sipping a mai-tai or an Aperol spritz has herpes. Look around at work and count off six people. One of them has it.
Do the same with your family and relatives or a group of friends. – They might not be talking about it, but they’re dealing with it. – Oh, and that flat-mate with a cold sore…? That’s herpes.
Herpes comes along with feelings of shame and sadness. You’re not alone in thinking you’re ruined or “damaged goods”.
Pretty much anyone who contracts herpes goes through this. And it feels so bad when we’re sick with it. – My idea is that we can put this shame and self-devaluing aside in favor of a little more logic and calm and self-compassion.
Herpes is a virus. The first time we get sick from it feels a lot like the flu – only kinda worse. There’s no throwing up, but you might run a fever and have a horrible headache.
Herpes affects our emotions big-time. We feel depressed, exhausted, worn out, sad, hopeless, lethargic, unable to think, can’t focus – cause yah, we’re sick, and we feel just super bad.
Sound familiar? These are a lot like post-trauma emotions. Yikes. – Go to bed. Sleep. Don’t think about serious things or try to make any decisions at this time. Chill. Grab your Teddy bear.
Breaking Up With Evil
Breaking Up with Evil: Escaping Coercive Control on Amazon
Five women’s true stories of being ensnared hauled through the confusion, lies, fear, and pain, and breaking away.
Told in their own words, they leave nothing unsaid. Find validation and see new glimpses of the truth as they share their stories… Stories that could be any of ours.
The key thing is, herpes is passed from contact with someone else’s herpes outbreak. Yep and yuck. There’s no way to get it or give it aside from body-to-body contact.
Though, they do warn that herpes can come along and hop on over to our place in someone’s bodily fluids and saliva making condoms our friend. we know male sociopaths usually refuse to wear condoms. We know they lie about anything and everything, we know they don’t care. So.
For sure, It does not come from toilet seats or locker room floors. It doesn’t come from sharing a hairbrush or by hugging.
Narcissistic Abuse Unwound
Two Types of Herpes
Herpes comes in two versions: Herpes I and Herpes II. – The essential difference is one of them is on the face the other is in our underpants. The first one, around the mouth, is commonly called a “cold sore”.
Even babies can have them because even a baby can get herpes if say, an adult or older kid with herpes sore on their mouth kisses the baby. I have a friend who innocently and at first unknowingly gave her baby Herpes Simplex Virus I just this way.
Herpes II is more adult. It goes on when we get down to it while one of us has an active herpes outbreak. Intercourse or soft skin such as tongues making contact with a herpes blister or sore transmits the virus.
Saliva and bodily fluids are said to pass the virus from one person to another as well. – And we get it immediately, like in a few days from contact. There’s just no way that nasty little painful, blister thingy is not going to be passed along.
What does herpes look like? Click here. Sorry, it’s yucky.
When Is Herpes Contagious?
Herpes is most contagious when sores are open and wet when fluid from the herpes blisters is oozing. Here’s the little-known factoid: herpes can also “shed” and get passed to others when there are no sores and your skin looks totally normal.
It’s now known, that people can get herpes from saliva rather than someone who’s an active sore. For some people, the virus can live in your body for years without exhibiting symptoms.
So, it could be really hard to know when you got it or who gave it to you. But let’s be real: we know. We know.
The herpes virus is pretty sneaky just like the dirtbag. The virus dies fast-fast outside the body – holding hands, coughing, and sneezing doesn’t pass it. – It is though, part of the chickenpox and shingles family.
What to Do If We Get Herpes
Sadly, herpes is a virus that then lives in our body – forever. We may not have break-outs forever or be sick from it forever. Really. As time goes by the virus can become dormant and not bug us at all! Truly!
And guess what…? The statistics say that one in six people has herpes. That’s only the people who have reported it to a doctor or gone to a doctor for a diagnosis. So, between you and me, don’t-cha-think this figure is likely a bit higher? – In my test group of six, three had herpes. Seriously, I polled friends.
We Can Suppress the Herpes Virus
There are a few ways to suppress the herpes virus. It hibernates somewhere in the base of our spine where it nestles after we’ve contracted it.
There are three highly recommended ways to reduce how often we get sick from herpes and to help suppress the virus into remission.
There’s also traditional western chemical medicine. Sometimes a combo of all this may be preferred. Some report feeling iller from the chemical drugs prescribed by an M.D. than from the actual outbreak of herpes. You decide.
By what we eat and don’t eat.
With specific supplements.
Homeopathic medicine is an incredibly powerful and deep method.
Chemical antiviral drugs: Valtrex and others from medical doctor’s prescriptions
What is Homeopathic Medicine? Great Question!
Homeopathic medicine is amazing. Homeopathy causes our bodies, spirits, and minds to heal. – It causes our bodies to remember perfect health. Each remedy has many uses.
Each remedy has more than one ailment it can address. Every single remedy is made from a single natural compound such as platinum, or a cashew nut or from a spider or a tree bark.
Homeopathy is the main form of medicine practiced in the U.K., New Zealand, Australia and Brazil, Germany, France, and throughout western Europe. It was founded and established by Dr. Samuel Hahnemann in Germany in the 1800s.
Amazing Facts About Homeopathy
Queen Elizabeth had a Royal Homeopathic Doctor, I suspect King Charles kept them on
Prince Philip of England supports homeopathy as preventative and curative health care
Homeopathy is outrageously inexpensive. As in very low-cost medical care
Homeopathy is virtually free of side-effects
You can self-prescribe for their own condition or soemone else’s
You can go to school to become a homeopathic doctor
Homeopathy can eliminate a condition altogether rather than only treat symptoms
Where Can You Get Homeopathic Remedies?
You can find homeopathic remedies in a limited range at Whole Foods, other natural health stores, and anyone can order any remedy of any dosage or strength from Hahnemann Labs in the Bay Area in the USA.
Treating Herpes with Homeopathy
For genital herpes, some commonly used homeopathic remedies are Nitric acid, Thuja Occidentalis, Causticum, Medorrhinum, Silica.
Here’s a recommended round of remedies, from Josette Calabrese, to be taken once or twice each for up to three days at the outset of a herpes break-out to stop it, reduce the severity and ultimately suppress the herpes virus for good.
The camphor is first in the cycle and has the effect of clearing the outbreak and essentially clear the slate. Here’s Josette Calabrese’s article about homeopathy for treating herpes.
15 minutes before and after taking a homeopathic remedy don’t eat or drink anything
Turn the tube upside down
Twist the cap until 5 – 6 balls fall into the cap
Drop the balls under your tongue without touching the inside of the cap
Let them melt under your tongue until they’re completely dissolved
By the way – we can take homeopathic Arnica 30c or 200 for the ptsd in the aftermath as well. And then anytime we experience shock, trauma, loss grief, go for a surgery or are wounded. – Hey, Olympic athletes take arnica orally -as well as in topical form – when they break or sprain or pull something, and cosmeti surgeons in Los Angeles advise taking it pre-op for healing and to stop excess bleeding. I’ve had one medical doctor mention that arnica can raise blood pressure. AS with any thing we’re ingesting: Do your own research.
Antiviral Tablets from a Regular Old M.D. for Herpes
There are chemical antiviral medications by prescription only from a regular western medical doctor. We call the kind of treatments and principles behind western medical M.D.’s allopathic medicine. This medication for anyone without insurance is going to cost a bit, and it’s packed with side effects and the effect of making some people feel sicker. Hmm. Find what works for you.
Suppressing the Herpes Virus With Diet
The virus is suppressed by L-Lysine and can come to the surface and activate with too much Arginine. Lysine and Arginine are amino acids, an element of proteins naturally occurring in foods.
Foods to Avoid: Arginine Foods Can Activate Genital Herpes
Popcorn
Corn
Soy
Whole grains: oatmeal, brown rice, whole wheat, etc.
Peanuts
Pumpkin seeds
Legumes, all beans, peas, lentils, green beans, garbanzo beans
Chocolate
Jello
Turkey
Pork Loin
More than a tablespoon of spirulina a day, often found in protein drink mixes
Self-Care For Treating Herpes and Recovering When We Have an Outbreak
Additionally, always:
Drink tons of water
Add 1 tablespoon of Raw Organic Apple Cider Vinegar in a full 8oz. glass of water every day
Here’s an Amazon link for the best raw, organic Apple Cider Vinegar by Bragg’s, and you can get this for between $6 and $8 at Whole Foods or other markets
Add one half or whole fresh squeezed lemon to a full 8oz. glass of water, daily
Get good sleep regularly
Avoid sugar and packaged and processed food
Walk, do yoga, swim, hike, bicycle… nice and gentle exercise
And especially during outbreaks sleep, sleep, and sleep and:
Avoid stress – skip watching the news
Dodge things that make you sad during outbreaks, sad music, nostalgia, sentimental thinking, and emotionalism
Side-step conflicts, confrontations, and upsetting things
Save making serious decisions for another day when you feel well again
Hope this helps!
These Scum Bags Are Nothing but Scum
So – this is another reality that hits some of us from these hijackings. There’s so much to understand, and manage, new ways to think about what went on, and lots of health care that never crossed our radar before from extreme weight loss, weight gain, PTSD, candida, and yeast infections… Geez-Louise.
You can do it. We can win. You’re human: gorgeous inside and out and imperfectly perfect. Carry on. Embrace your life with compassion. Love yourself. Time to thrive.
Add these to your contacts so you don’t miss a newsletter! jennifer@truelovescam.com info@truelovescam.com
As a certified coach, upholding industry standards I strive to inform, educate, invite thought and dialogue, to co-plan, co-strategize, advise, consult, refer, recommend, train, teach, guide and coach people in guided recovery and discovery specific to these crimes, and from hell and broken in the aftermath to whole again, and more. You decide what winning is.
Used and abused are never excused. Be sure it’s the abuser who takes the blame and the fall. Finally, let’s expose this phenomenon for what it is.
Used and abused is something people kept quiet about. And earlier still, it wasn’t thought of as “bad”; it was okay for example, to beat your wife. These days we know this isn’t okay by any means.
At this point, abuse is talked about in terms of what is “done to us” by an abuser. We speak about it from the angle of what the abuser is doing.
Signs We’re Used or Abused: The New Lexicon Around It
This is prevalent now, and we’ve got a 21st-century lexicon to describe abuse, and what the narcissistic abuser has done.
We’ve got the new language to talk about abuse; what that person did and said to us meant to describe and determine if we’re used or abused.
These are the words our moms and grandmas didn’t have. These new words, “devalue”, “discard”, “gaslight”, and “hoover” are meant as proof that we’re abused and describe what’s being done to us by an abuser.
Abuse is talked about as “love bombing, ghosting, punishing, mirroring, projecting, devaluing, discarding”. Abusive partners belittle us, lie to us, cheat on us, and take our money. Then, order us around, make us cry, and do stuff just to make us mad.
They always break promises. It seems like they like to hurt us. Abusers throw things at us, yell, disappear, and so much worse. And mostly it’s all so much more indefinable.
The problem with this viewpoint is, that it makes their behavior the problem. Isn’t the real problem that we’re miserable? We can point at what they do all we like, but how does this help us?
Breaking Up With Evil
Breaking Up with Evil: Escaping Coercive Control on Amazon
Five women’s true stories of being ensnared hauled through the confusion, lies, fear, and pain, and breaking away.
Told in their own words, they leave nothing unsaid. Find validation and see new glimpses of the truth as they share their stories… Stories that could be any of ours.
In friendships and work situations and in love, normal people stay. Normal people try when things are tough. And try more.
That’s what normal, amazing, gorgeous humans are wired to do. It’s what we’re taught to do. There’s nothing wrong with us. There’s everything right with us.
It’s just that we can’t recognize the horror or the mortuary of a mind that sits inside a predator sociopath’s head until we see it in particular and stark contrast to normal.
We don’t see it until “normal” isn’t working to change any of the problems between us. — That’s normal. It takes as long as it takes.
The Podcast: Narcissistic Abuse Unwound
A Definition of Abuse Based on How we Feel Rather than What They Do
The tell-tale signs of abuse, or of being used by someone who cannot love, show up in more reliable ways than in the behaviors of the abuser. We can call them a narcissist, a narc, a narcopath.
By any name we might label them with, their behavior is that of a sociopath. and the fact is, that the abuse and predatory dynamics show up in messages from our bodies and in our emotions immediately. We don’t always recognize these signals for what they are. The sooner we can open to the possibility that this is something we’ve never seen before, know next to nothing about, and be willing to take in what it might be, the better.
1. We Feel Like We’re in a Movie:
This relationship, finding this person, life with this person feels lifted out of reality in the best way! Out at a restaurant, a party, or even going grocery shopping with them feels like we’re living out scenes from a movie.
Relationships are said to be “hard”. People say relationships take “work”. In my experience: When it’s right, it’s easy and bad behavior or feeling bad is never part of the equation.
2. We Feel Like We Can’t Live Without Them:
Much to our own surprise, we feel we’ll die without them. In a dramatic figurative way… and kinda literally. We feel panic at the thought of never seeing them again, and, this emotion of our own, inspired by them, is what hooks us hard.
The deep hook happened like this: I sat a few feet from the con man. We’d known each other three days. I knew he had to fly back to his own country in a few months. At the thought of his leaving a sense of panic that I’d never see him again roiled up from the pit of my gut. Surprised by this creeping dread rising to take me over, I pulled in a breath to ask,“When’s your ticket back?’” He paused, looked up from under his lowered brows, then uttered a departure date barely two weeks away.
Tsunamis of emotion crashed together in my body. Profound all-consuming panic that I’d never see him again hit up against knowing this was an absurd way to feel, and a third thought wondering why I panicked crashed into those. But, I got no answer. Before I could get myself together, his voice, low and dark came through the fog, intimacy slicing my skin and dripping into my bones, “You’re afraid you’ll never see me again aren’t you?”
Fear ran through me; all I could do was try to look normal. I felt small. There were no words I could say. I willed my head to make a single nod. I surprised myself again when a barely voiced, “Yaaaaaaa,” dribbled from my mouth on the one wisp of air left in my lungs. We were married four days later. He didn’t take that flight.
3. We Feel Confused:
Our bodies on a primal, instinctive level know something’s wrong when we’re entrapped in a scam relationship. It’s our social and cultural mind that has to catch up.
Foggy-brained, we wonder if things are what we think they are. It’s natural and the way our brains are wired to rationalize and make exceptions or excuses for their behavior and for how we feel. Because they’re pathological, this normal human function is exaggerated and bent further to their favor.
Without being super aware of it, we change our ideas about what’s “okay”. We even bend our idea of what a relationship is meant to be in order to make this one continue. This is normal under their invisible influence of coercive control.
4. We Feel Disconnected: Communication is Spotty or Painful:
We feel stupid and like we’re a bother for trying to talk with them. It’s rare we talk together about anything real.
Conversation sticks on shallow or it’s only about household things. It’s texts that fizzle into emojis and arguments. We’re ignored – sometimes for days at a time. They blame us for why they won’t talk to us.
When is “bad” bad enough to trust our gut and our feelings over their behavior? To leave one of these parasitic users it takes a certain moment when a switch flips.
5. We Feel Shut Out – There Are “Mystery” People:
We feel compartmentalized. While we build the relationship we’re hitting roadblocks… in the form of attention they give to other people.
They explain a person they message late at night as a “friend” or say, “she’s my sister” or an “ex” that won’t leave them alone. We know something is wrong… That nagging feeling that they have someone else in their life is profound. This is beyond a “girlfriend”. This is a deeper secret. Some block us from their social media, and rage if we post photos of us together.
How bad does it get before we gather the clarity and courage to go? As bad as it needs to be. It takes as long as it takes. There’s nothing wrong with us.
6. We Feel at Arm’s Length:
Somethings missing. As much as we think we know them and their lives, there are many, many holes in the picture.
Maybe we don’t know where they live exactly or what they do for work exactly. There’s a pattern – even a pattern of uncertainty, or abrupt changes in the time we spend together.
We’re not sure where they drive off to when they leave us. We see him or her only late on Wednesdays and sometimes Friday night and only at our place.
He talks about us getting married, but… it stays out of reach. – Or we live in different towns or different countries.
7. We Feel Ganged-Up On:
We’re left hung out to dry. When the arguments and conflicts that come up between us are shared with friends or family might side with others against us.
Their family or so-called friends sabotage our plans or our efforts to bring the family together or to fix problems in the relationship. We’re sucker-punched by it every time.
We feel sad and stupid for wanting to know normal things like when they’ll be home. Or when we’re really going to meet. We suspect they aren’t where they say.
They say it’s a meeting they’re running off to, but… They say they’re going out of town for work, but… She said it was a trip to see her mom, but… it feels offand we feel bad. It’s like we’re constantly stepping out for the next stair and nothing is there.
9. We’re Not Fulfilled: Intimacy is Absent, Exaggerated, Forced, or Conditional:
The bond doesn’t deepen as the days go by. We have sex, but it starts to feel impersonal, sad or bad, and lonely. Or they won’t have sex with us and they get mad if we try to heat things up.
They tell us they can’t be “intimate” – for some reason. There’s a shifting of the issue onto us: they tell us we want too much sex or sex too much. Or they force sex. Maybe they video us, or ask if someone can join in… You might pretty much know they’re doing it with someone else.
We feel despondent and also desperate to please them in the absence of real intimacy. The natural thing that occurs is that within our minds we begin to substitute small things as signs of big closeness and as a sign that they do love us after all.
We start to think we’re super-loved by them when they do something super-small – like take the garbage out.
Tiny things take the place of intimate depth. We try harder, cook better, bake more, wash better, make more money, hurry faster, and give again and again. This is normal; there is nothing wrong with us. Staying is normal, trying is normal. Nothing changes, however, except we feel more and more alone and sad and worthless. Yet, eventually, this is what feeds into the whole thing falling apart.
Staying Silent is Normal
Sometimes the greatest lies are told in silence. We feel ashamed, hurt, isolated, and alone when they come at us in sex on overdrive. Drugs might become a way to cope with the unwanted or “off” sexual scenarios.
We try to convince ourselves dominance and ropes or sex only on Wednesday afternoons, or only if we’re “good” is okay.
We try to convince ourselves that one thing they want to do… is okay – when really, we don’t like it and don’t want it we feel stranded on an island of pain floating further and further away from love. And further and further from our life as we know or want it.
Emotions are messages from our body; feelings are how our mind feels about those emotions. The meaning we give them leads us to safety or trouble.
Pulled in many directions we float, almost out-of-body, and try to collect the pieces. We’re caught between our partner and our kids, between our partner and our parents.
There’s a panic, a lump of nausea in our gut, we try to bring things into focus, into line. We try to meet the regular needs of our kids, work, and family, and at the same time feel out of step with our partner and everything else.
Our mind is on figuring out the indefinable needs of our partner, resolving the rough bits, and making things look happy and great to everyone else. Mostly we feel like we’re failing, sinking. Constantly agitated and anxious, we hope no one notices.
11. We’re Uneasy: There’s Fighting and the Silent Treatment:
The bottom line is, that we’re afraid and apprehensive, cautious about how we approach them. If we ask where they went or if they’ve got $95 dollars to pay the cable bill the roof gets blown off the house with their indignant anger.
Ask why they came home so late and then don’t talk to us for three days. Wonder out loud why the gas tank is already on empty and we’re treated to rage from hell. – Sometimes even certain words we use make them angry.
Normal humans take responsibility for the problems in a relationship. The thing is, we aren’t in relationships when these things are going on. We’re hijacked by a user.
We feel like we might get something wrong and upset them. Certain “rules” or patterns fall into place and seem expected. We can’t break the rhythm that’s been set, a routine that caters to them. Maybe they tell us what to wear, or not wear. Where to go, or not go. When we can talk to our mom or tell us not to talk to our mom. Maybe… they get physical or make threats.
13. Abused Leads us to Feel We’re in the Wrong or We’re the Problem:
Feeling it’s our fault makes us feel like we don’t fit in, even in our own home. If we bring up the troubling thoughts on our minds, they tell us we’re imagining things They say if trusted them, didn’t question them, or could be patient, everything will be fine. They tell us because we’re so suspicious we’re ruining everything. We feel worse, nothing is resolved, and we feel less and less “at home”.
They say the most ridiculous things, and we try to make sense of them. That’s what “normal” does. Our brain and body do this naturally. We need things to make sense. We need harmony.
14. We Feel Like They Don’t Care About Important Things In Our Life:
In abuse, “supported” and “heard” go by the wayside; things we care about don’t faze them. Things in our lives we’d expect the person we’re dating or married to have an opinion about seem to never hit their radar. We get no response, or an odd reaction when our goldfish or our mom dies instead of any level of compassion.
We might get a blank stare, or a shrug and a grumble that doesn’t fit the circumstances – leaving us feeling like we’re falling through the air.
The fact is, our concerns and problems irritate them and put them on the spot. Our emotions threaten them from getting what they want. Sociopaths cannot relate to, feel, or understand the feelings we have. They truly don’t care. We see this in how they walk away so easily.
15. Things Aren’t a Two-Way Street:
We feel let down and like the only one “giving”. Things are one way for them and another for us. We feel like we don’t count. They can use our car or take our money to go meet someone for lunch, but we can’t freely borrow their iPad let alone their car (if they have one.) – When they do use our things they “adopt” them as if our Kindle or book bag is now theirs.
Maybe we do their laundry or stop by and feed their dog, but they’re unreliable or absent in support of us. Their birthday is a big deal, ours is usually not.
Typically on any holiday, we get nothing from them. We’re tending to their needs – and it seems expected, while they ignore our needs – unless – by reciprocating they get money, access to others they can make use of, or a place to live or something else they need or want.
16. We Feel We’re Being Lied To:
Things aren’t adding up. When they say certain things there’s a lurch in the pit of our stomach that floats up to shimmer in the back of our mind: something is not right. – And then sometimes they say the oddest things, that make no sense like: “You only think you love me. If you knew who I really was you wouldn’t love me.”
17. We Feel Like We’re in a Nightmare:
We know we have no idea what’s going on. This is like nothing we’ve ever known. We did what people do in relationships and tried, and tried, and nothing changed. Then we’re scared. – Now, instead of feeling, that we’ll die without them, we feel we’ll die because of them.
Confusion, Exclusion, and Fear Signal We’re Being Used
These feelings signal this person isn’t into us for a normal or genuine reason. We’ve been put in a box for their personal use or gain and “normal” is never going to happen. Confusion and self-doubt are symptoms of the trauma and post-trauma of the deception and emotional or physical harm and of being used.
These feelings signal our “mate” has a life they keep us from. They more than likely have a past or current life we know nothing about.
They’re often married, usually live with someone, and have children we don’t know about. Have habits that are destructive, criminal records, or behavior that should be a crime if it isn’t.
Having these feelings within a relationship or friendship indicates our friend or partner is what people call a “narcissist”, from the DSM definitions of NPD. – But is usually a much more serious danger, an antisocial psychopath, known as a sociopath commonly a con man, a scammer. – Sociopaths cannot have genuine relationships and only bring inevitable harm.
Trust Our Gut: Our Instincts Have Real Meaning
We don’t have a feeling that something’s wrong for no reason. This feeling itself is proof that something is wrong. – Proof you’re being disrespected, deceived, and worse. These pathological users make use of others and have no genuine feelings of care or love for any others. They have no physiological, biological, mental, or emotional capacity to have these feelings. They never have and never will. – This is not because of us – it’s because of them.
Our feelings are proof. There’s no more proof needed. People like this cannot change. A sociopath wouldn’t want to change if they could.
This is a situation that will only escalate in harm and danger to us. It could be said these aren’t relationships, but an invasion or take-over for the convenience of the user. – A crime of deception. We’re being used.
Trust our gut. We don’t have these feelings without reason. Stand up for our lives. Give ourselves the benefit of the doubt. We’re worthy and deserve all good things in life and love.
Add these to your contacts so you don’t miss a newsletter! jennifer@truelovescam.com info@truelovescam.com
As a certified coach, upholding industry standards I strive to inform, educate, invite thought and dialogue, to co-plan, co-strategize, advise, consult, refer, recommend, train, teach, guide and coach people in guided recovery and discovery specific to these crimes, and from hell and broken in the aftermath to whole again, and more. You decide what winning is.
Affiliate links are in every True Love Scam Recovery article. Clicks on these links provide minor compensation to keep the site running. www.truelovescam.com and its agents are not licensed as attorneys, medical doctors, psychiatrists, psychologists, or therapists. See the entire and full True Love Scam Recovery Privacy Policy and Legal Agreement and Disclaimer here. Thank you.
Sociopaths don’t mind who they target. It’s a good day for them as long as they have several someones in their grip. Otherwise, they can’t survive. How do they get us? Why do we fall for sociopaths and why do we stay?
The sociopath’s uncanny power of influence has roots in the primal, raw place from which they live; they’re parasitic survivalists functioning out of no conscience, no positive human connection, and a deep and abiding, driving fear of being exposed and left with no one believing them. If no one believes them, they have no means to survive.
Sociopaths can’t function in our real world with sustained ability or skill. It might look like they’re really a plumber or an artist… look more closely. That surface of normal ability or accomplishment is a very thin veneer. Underneath it is monster-dirt-bag-lying-parasitic-sociopath. They leech their existence from others; it’s a matter of life and death.
Anamilistic Parasitic Predator by Nature
Antisocial psychopaths are animalistic in the worst sense. Their “beast” life force pulls on normal humans at a primal bone-marrow level. – If the timing is right – or wrong let’s say – we’re snagged whole in one breath.
The “charm”, diffidence, humility, and “manners” lure us to the sociopath as we value these attributes. The flattery, lending a hand, giving, offering… are nothing more than bait.
In the early days, they can narrow in on us, with a steady gaze and, hang on to our every word. They look deeply into your face, and oddly off to the distance at the same time. Remembering it now I see it as a wild animal hunched in the tall grass scanning the horizon for dinner. Intent, and focused on us, but not in the room for the same reason we are.
The World of the Sociopath is Another Universe from Ours
Sociopaths function from an abnormal brain. In essence, they have the brains of reptiles while we have the brains of puppies. Regions of the sociopath’s brain are under-functioning. To be exact these regions do not function at all. This black-out, blank spot in their minds is where love ought to be. Where caring lives in us. This blacked-out bit of brain matter is the source of their antisocial behavior, thinking, and violence. This is sociopathy…more precisely: psychopathy.
This bit of nonexistent brain can be seen in brain scans. Science is breaking through on this front to the point that the legal system may incorporate limited use of brain imaging scans in court decisions. Every human on the planet is equally a potential target and prey to a sociopath. They’re wired this way… For the sociopath, having a number of simultaneous prey is a matter of life and death.
Breaking Up With Evil
Breaking Up with Evil: Escaping Coercive Control on Amazon
Five women’s true stories of being ensnared hauled through the confusion, lies, fear, and pain, and breaking away.
Told in their own words, they leave nothing unsaid. Find validation and see new glimpses of the truth as they share their stories… Stories that could be any of ours.
Lies are Normal to a Sociopath: They See Lies as Real and Real as Made Up
Sociopaths, that is, antisocial psychopaths, feel the efforts they make for their survival are their right. They truly believe that the inevitable fallout that tears apart the lives of their prey, is something the prey deserve. Normal people are despised by sociopaths, we’re thought of as revolting wimps for having and for living by our emotions.
Lying, the sociopath’s most insidious trait brings disunity and ruin. We wonder if sociopaths “believe” their lies. They do. And they don’t IN their bizarre world real is made up and lies are real. Lying is not a betrayal from their point of view: There is nothing to betray! They are not in a relationship. Plus: they are wired to believe that they can do anything they want to do to anyone and it’s fine. That everything belongs to them.
From their twisted world of destruction lying is normal. Their world is lies. We, on the other hand, believe the sociopath’s lie because embedded within our fundamental wiring is trust.
Pathological Predator, Sociopaths Believe Lies: Even Ours
We can lie to a sociopath and they act from the lie as if it were a truth. In a sense, in their village in hell, there’s no such thing as a lie… we interpret this as the sociopath “believing their own lies.”
There’s more to it than that… Sociopaths know they lie, but they don’t consider it a lie. There’s no discernment or separation between fact and fiction because to a sociopath lies are reality… and reality is made up. Reality changes with each new lie. At any moment. And yet, every lie is true. – That is the circus going on in their heads. They live in an entirely different reality than we do and cannot comprehend ours.
It’s Hard to See What’s Real: We Can and We Will
If we can step up and into wrapping our heads around that and we find deeper freedom from their influence. You can begin to see how impersonal these attacks are. It has nothing to do with us specifically: other than we’re alive and breathing and wholly normal humans.
Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Don’t let anyone tell you this happened because of anything about you. And don’t let yourself do that either. We are not responsible for the sociopath’s inhumanity.
It isn’t that we attract sociopaths. It’s not that we’re co-dependent. We aren’t reeled in because we had bad parents or tough childhoods – even if we did. We get to be who we are.
There’s Nothing About Us that Attracts a Sociopath Aside From Being Normal
They are the antithesis of us. The polar opposite; so far apart it can’t be imagined. . Light years apart. In parallel universes. They live as parasites. Solo, marauding predators. This is the way they are wired.
We’re innately wired to trust, give, unify, make families and groups, build relationships, try, stay, and “fix”. We don’t expect lies. This is how we’re wired by nature…And it’s a gorgeous wiring job!! We get to be who and what we are. By nature we care, connect, trust, bond, bud friendships, relationships, families, communities… This is our natural survival.
Cognitive Dissonance vs. Cognitive Harmony
We’re wired to make sense of anything that doesn’t make sense… “Cognitive dissonance” hits us like a ton of brinks at the odd things they say or do. We must live in cognitive harmony. This is why we “rationalize” or make reasons in our minds for things they say or do.
But – since we don’t have the actual truth of their motivation to balance the dissonance, we use our normal human reasoning and paint in emotional reasons that come from our life palette: we don’t know the reasons that exist in the minds of these pathological creatures. So, we stay off-kilter. This is a part of the trauma.
The Hijacking Into Hell
At its most elemental level, being targeted and hijacked by a sociopath has nothing to do with anything in our lives personally as individuals other than the fact that we’re limbic-brained normal humans. If being human is “wrong, then I don’t want to be “right.”
Every human has fragility…Doubts, fears, and vulnerability as well as strengths and dreams and hopes, and love. You might call it our humanity. This can be tapped by a pathological predatory parasite as if being handed to them on a plate when we believe they’re a normal human being standing in front of us.
Know This: Any person can be scammed by a life-hijacking antisocial psychopath. If we’ve been through it, fully comprehend what happened and fully recovered we have rendered and forged ourselves into limbic brained normal humans who are now sociopath proof. If someone has been through this, but has been misinformed and badly, inaccurately supported out of the hell they are not recovered and they’re susceptible to another sociopath invasion – likely in the very next true love that crosses their path. – Unless you’ve gone through this hell and lived to tell about it – there’s no way to understand it.
Thinking We Found Something Good
There’s nothing “wrong with us” that led to a sociopath invasion other than we’re human and had no idea such monsters existed, or what they look like, what they do, say, want, and need.
We enter into what we believe is real. Real love, or a real business, or the combination of love and business together. We think we’ve found a really special kind of belonging. Getting a fresh start. Embarking on a new adventure. A life. with “the one”, a soulmate, a partner. These are things absolutely every human desires. These desires and expectations are what life is made of.
We’re Normal: Normal is Good, Kind, and Giving and has Emotions
Hooked in and winding down the path of our future with a sociopath we behave as normal humans in a normal relationship or partnership, but – there’s another parallel thread, another reality running underneath and alongside our normal world when we’re paired up with a socio-freak.
The trouble starts; sociopaths come as a bag of chaos. They have things that need to be “fixed”, problems as long as our arms with a co-worker, an old boss, an old roommate, or a neighbor. Someone is wanting money from them that they say they don’t owe. Someone suddenly fired them for no reason. On, and on, and on…
We as normal humans, do our best to manage it – we think we’re tackling it together. It takes time to see that there isn’t much “together” happening and that this person we love (?) isn’t participating in conflict resolution, solutions, progress, or developing what we have, but is… could it be possible… they are the problem…?
Here’s the Thing: A normal human’s “go-to” is to take responsibility and to dive-in to resolving the things that are out of balance, or painful in the relationship we believe is real. – There’s nothing wrong with us. There’s everything right with us.
It’s Normal to Try, to Stay, to Fix: Leaving is What Normal Does Last
This compulsion to hang in there, to “fix,” to work it out is why humans still exist on planet earth. It’s how we create and thrive as families and communities. Imagine if we were to give up on loved ones at the first sign of trouble.
Trauma bonding is normal; it’s human survival mode, wired into our DNA. It’s a mode of survival that occurs when we’re in love with a normal person as well, or when a family member is in crisis. It is human and good.
Imagine if we tossed away our kids if we caught them in a lie about where they were after school or if the dog ate their homework. Imagine if we walked away from our husbands and wives if they lost their job, lost a parent to illness, or became ill themselves. Staying, working on it, and resolving is what humans do.
Side Note: Personally… I wasn’t love-bombed, I wasn’t praised, I wasn’t flattered, there was none of that going on to be so-called “addicted” too. Yet, I met and married him in seven-days time. By day three of knowing him a wave of panic washed over me – I felt I couldn’t live without him. This sensation shocked me to the roof and confused me — as I felt it. So… what is it? Here’s what I think: sociopaths have an uncanny, power of influence related to the primal level they exist from. They have the power, the effect of something wild, and riveting – like a lion we make eye contact with suddenly, unexpectedly on the lions home territory. We’re shocked we’re there. How’d we get in the lion’s back yard? We can’t look away. Something deep inside is grabbed and hooked. Primal. Raw. Sociopaths live from a life-and-death survival place that’s activated in us; we don’t recognize the feeling. We’ve never needed to use this part of ourselves… We need to call it something, that’s normal and human, though we’re stumped. We can’t call it something we don’t know exists, and we don’t recognize it as fear… We decide it’s “love” because love is all we know, we don’t know monsters and this deception adn parasitic madness exists – and certainly, we don’t know how to recognize that happening within us.
Know There is Nothing “Wrong” with Us
When in these circumstances with a sociopath we see strange behavior, we see them take too much and give nothing and we see no changes.
And then when we see enough to see that this is not normal and is nothing we can recognize even within normal-but-not-going-well… we go – or get them out. – There’s nothing wrong with us. It takes as long as it takes.
Do not allow anyone to take this gorgeous, human innate trait and twist it to blame us for these hijackings. Know the significance of this kind of remark: “Why did you stay?” And, “You must be co-dependent and have low self-esteem.” And, “How did you let that happen?!”
There Are People Who Just Won’t Understand
People with this response to our ride in hell are filled with misconceptions of humans and human behavior that have been the paradigm of psychotherapy, counseling, and our culture for years now.
They’re out of step, flat-out wrong, and incorrect in general in regard to any relationship counseling. And 100% inaccurate and harmful and the cause of more trauma in the aftermath of a life-jacking sociopath.
Wrap Ourselves in Compassion
Put the benefit of the doubt towards ourselves. Embrace our lives. Enfold ourselves in compassion. Appreciate the gorgeous loving, trusting qualities pulsing in our DNA. Value our humanity.
Increase and deepen our interconnectedness and interdependence as living beings sharing this planet. Let this newfound knowledge of the possibility in life for both evil and great good inspire us to seek how to manifest and expand our own true and pure good. We are awesome.
Courage is the force that makes our lives brilliant. ~ Daisaku Ikeda
I’ve been down and out. Filled with doubt. Had this little heart of mine kicked around. On the sunniest day the sky can seem gray. All of these battles they’ve made me fierce. Crying doesn’t make me weak; it’s my soul just trying to speak.
… believe that tomorrow will hold a silver lining to all of the sorrow.
Add these to your contacts so you don’t miss a newsletter! jennifer@truelovescam.com info@truelovescam.com
As a certified coach, upholding industry standards I strive to inform, educate, invite thought and dialogue, to co-plan, co-strategize, advise, consult, refer, recommend, train, teach, guide and coach people in guided recovery and discovery specific to these crimes, and from hell and broken in the aftermath to whole again, and more. You decide what winning is.
Affiliate links are in every True Love Scam Recovery article. Clicks on these links provide minor compensation to keep the site running. www.truelovescam.com and its agents are not licensed as attorneys, medical doctors, psychiatrists, psychologists, or therapists. See the entire and full True Love Scam Recovery Privacy Policy and Legal Agreement and Disclaimer here. Thank you.
Why are sociopaths called antisocial? These freaks love to party and hang. They chat and charm and dance and joke. Why do we call them “antisocial” when they need other people.
Why Are Sociopaths Called Antisocial?
Sociopaths are called antisocial because – hold onto your hats – there’s more than one meaning of the word antisocial! In their case, it doesn’t mean being shy or reluctant to be with others in a group setting. Amazing. Who’d a thunk it.
One of the myriad roadblocks to realizing just what it is we’re facing is misinterpreting or not understanding the meaning of this little word: “antisocial”.
Defining What the Antisocial Is In A Sociopath
This little four-syllable word – that people assume they already know the meaning to – trips people up. It’s natural to think it doesn’t make sense because the guy or gal in their living nightmare is very “social” rather than “antisocial” and doesn’t like parties or have many friends or some such.
This notion that you know what the word means -as applied to this kind of deceptive and ruinous human without a conscience – keeps far too many people from investigating more deeply into who and what it is they have gotten entangled with.
So then, in turn, they look to the other concepts floating around online and on social media to explain this person’s heinous behavior. Most commonly landing on “narcissist”.
Add in these other terms out there: narc, narcopath, and the narcissist in all its varieties, well, this falsely assures far too many people for too long that they’re only in love with a “narcissist” when in fact… It’s much, much worse. And more confusing, because some definitions and platitudes out there are related to a sociopath yet described under the name “narcissist”, and other describing factors are 100% off the mark. Very confusing… and delays recovery.
Here it goes, here’s a definition of this sticky little word antisocial from the Oxford English Dictionary – the most massive, most amazing dictionary on the planet. There are two definitions.
Opposed to sociability; averse to companionship.
Opposed to the principles on which society is constituted.
Definition number one above, of the word “antisocial”, is the one we’re most familiar with. It’s the one that gets us saying, no they can’t be a sociopath because they have friends. And also we think, she’s really fun at BBQs! Or, yeah but he’s around people all the time. They love going out! So, they can’t be an “antisocial psychopath”. – I get that. But there’s more.
Definition Number Two Describes the Sociopath
Definition number two pertains to the clinical term related to a sociopath, an antisocial psychopath, or a person of antisocial personality disorder, as defined by the DSM-5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th Edition).
Breaking Up With Evil
Breaking Up with Evil: Escaping Coercive Control on Amazon
Five women’s true stories of being ensnared hauled through the confusion, lies, fear, and pain, and breaking away.
Told in their own words, they leave nothing unsaid. Find validation and see new glimpses of the truth as they share their stories… Stories that could be any of ours.
Antisocial Psychopaths Are Sociopaths aka Psychopaths
As described by David Porter, MA, LAD: “The term antisocial may be confusing to the lay public, as the more common definition outside of clinical usage is an individual who is a loner or socially isolated.
The literal meaning of the word antisocial can be more descriptive to both the lay public and professionals: to be anti-social, is to be against society; against rules, norms, laws, and acceptable behavior. Individuals with Antisocial Personality Disorder tend to be charismatic, attractive, and very good at obtaining sympathy from others; for example, describing themselves as the victim of injustice. …
Antisocials possess a superficial charm, they can be thoughtful an dcunning and have an intuitive ability to rapidly observe and analyze others, determine their needs and preferences, and present it in a manner to facilitate manipulation and exploitation. They are able to harm and use other people in this manner, without remorse, guilt, shame, or regret.”
~ Theravive, by David Porter, MA, LAD (They also think they’re the greatest thing since sliced bread.)
Modern Languages Come from Latin: Anti Means: Against
Our words for medical diagnosis and terminology as well as a huge part of our everyday English language come from ancient, toga-wearing people who spoke Latin in ye-olde-school, ancient Rome. Lots of beginnings and endings and even middle sections of our words are Latin.
The beginnings of words are called: “prefixes”; here’s a bunch: anti, post, sub, pre, non as beginnings. You can probably think of some right off the bat: Substitute, post-trauma, predetermined, nonexistent. Interested in language, read more about Latin roots, suffixes, and prefixes.
Also here are some endings you know in everyday language but might not have known that they’re Latin. We call these “suffixes”. Here’s a few: ment, as in “supple-ment”; ify, as in ver-ify and ident-ify; ation, as in perfor-ation and restor-ation; able, as in “cap-able”. There are tons.
Anti is a word straight out of Latin and Rome. If you put the word anti into Google Translate and select the translation from English into Latin, you know what you get? – Anti.
Anti in English is anti in Latin. In old-school Latin anti means: to be or to go against (something), to be outside (of something), or opposed (to something).
ASPD and Antisocial Psychopaths Refer to Con Artists, Scammers, and Yes: Killers
So…antisocial psychopaths or persons of antisocial personality disorder, don’t mind parties at all, they kinda thrive on being social and any place with lots of people, including online, is the prime hunting ground. They need us and others so, so much.
Sociopaths are called antisocial because they function against and outside of normal, expected behavior. These people do things without thinking twice that we’d never even conceived of doing, much less do and behave in an anti- (against) social- (society) manner. Their behavior goes against the grain of what’s okay. And boy-howdy… Don’t they…?
So let me ask you… Does it help to get to the bottom of your bizarre, painful, and dire situation to think of them as just a narcissist? Or would there be more life-saving, pain prevention, and protection in diving in and stripping things down?
Ponder the realities and consider if this view would get more done for your safety and recovery: Looking at it from the point of view that this person will do anything they can think of doing in order to make use of you, or to get whatever they want, and to have things their way and to not be stopped. – That my friend is a sociopath: they function outside of and against the expected and accepted norms of society.
We Win
They need us. We do not need them. This is the hardest thing you’ll ever go through. The number one concern is that you clear the fog and protect your life. They have been through this break-up many, many, many times before and will again and again long after they’ve ridden off into the sunset.
As we explore removing them from our lives and then restoration: we don’t need to pretend they’re normal; they know what they are. – That said, keep your discoveries to yourself and end the entanglement safely. They need us; we don’t need them.
Add these to your contacts so you don’t miss a newsletter! jennifer@truelovescam.com info@truelovescam.com
As a certified coach, upholding industry standards I strive to inform, educate, invite thought and dialogue, to co-plan, co-strategize, advise, consult, refer, recommend, train, teach, guide and coach people in guided recovery and discovery specific to these crimes, and from hell and broken in the aftermath to whole again, and more. You decide what winning is.
Affiliate links are in every True Love Scam Recovery article. Clicks on these links provide minor compensation to keep the site running. www.truelovescam.com and its agents are not licensed as attorneys, medical doctors, psychiatrists, psychologists, or therapists. See the entire and full True Love Scam Recovery Privacy Policy and Legal Agreement and Disclaimer here. Thank you.