What Am I Supposed to Do With All This Junk?

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Junk and garbage and stuff they pretend to love.
They leave a trail of pain and confusion… and their junk.
Here’s what to do with it.

Are they gone…? Wahoo!! Congratulations!!! But does their old guitar and their cowboy boots and a suitcase and a sack of their junk still clutter your back bedroom?

Junk. Piles of junk. If we’ve lived with one of these nut-bags we know that they arrive with very little, take and use, and take and use, and then leave junk behind.

Guitar strings, photos, packs of candy, socks, dusty old hardened leather dress shoes…

Junk from Soup to Nuts

These nutters leave useless piles of coupons, receipts, old shoes, rumpled gum wrappers, a bent-up photo of some kid we’ve never seen or heard of before.

Car parts, bicycles, unopened delivery packages, their so-called beloved violin that they can’t live without, or basketball they used to shoot the game-winning free throw…

Getting their things out and refreshing our own home with compassion for ourselves and love and empathy towards ourselves is essential to healing, getting back to ourselves, and shifting forward to our bright future.

Junk, Toss Them and Toss Their Junk

Junk of every kind. Toasters, cameras, gym shoes, old underwear. Porn collections, bras, an ankle bracelet, stacks of People magazine from the ’80s, cords, and cables, a tennis racket, and a torn backpack. What’s this all about…?!

As sickening as it all is, there’s really nothing going on other than a sociopath being a sociopath. They are – really, really, and truly, all relentlessly identical. They do the same things, think the same way because their brains are specifically limited.

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A Predator Sociopath Is What They Are: Can’t Be Anything Else

That’s what makes someone a “sociopath”, this abnormal and specific type of brain. This brain doesn’t allow real attachment or connection or “care” for other humans, or for things, not even us, not even their own junk.

Junk is left behind because sociopaths have no emotional connection to humans or to things. They have no emotional nostalgia factor.

Objects, like people, only matter moment to moment for what they “offer” to the sociopath – importance or concern is directly in relation to the degree an object or a person improves their image or feeds their survival.

The Podcast: Narcissistic Abuse Unwound

Our Thinking and Emotions All Over the Place

With the fear center of our brains deregulated from the trauma we’re in overdrive in the fear department – then combine that with not understanding how a sociopath’s brains work and we might have their stuff for years after they go.

We fear they’ll come back for it and be mad it isn’t there… they’ll accuse us of stealing or take us to court, or worse. – They won’t. The legal fact is: they left it behind. It’s no longer theirs.

We all think about a ritual dance around burning flames, igniting their garbage in celebration of their absence, and exorcising their hideousness from our lives. There’s nothing wrong with doing this: burning their junk and dancing around the flames. I’m all for it!!

We Think the Monster Will Be Mad

Together, I laughed with one of the women he was living with while married to me (yes only one of them, there were three). We laughed and squealed over the digital wires carrying our voices some 3,000 miles to one another.

My dear fellow prey and I painted in the fantasy of a blazing bonfire of the absolute crap that represented his fake and miserable life... The burning pile, an effigy of his rotting, stinking soul.

Imagination Releases Us to Freedom

But then, there it is… We’re normal people. It isn’t that we’re not “too nice”, but do have trouble selling, giving away, or throwing someone else’s things away. At all times we’re responding like normal people in a very abnormal situation.

As normal people, we like to be “constructive” rather than “destructive”. Sometimes they leave valuable, useful stuff: a laptop, audio equipment, a brand new phone still in the box, Ferragamo shoes, a gold ring at the bottom of their moldering duffel bag. What do we do with the physical pile of rubble?

Sociopaths Care About Taking and Using

The things, none of that junky muck, are genuinely important to sociopaths. They have no nostalgia, sentimentality, or emotional connection to anything or anyone beyond the moment. The one tiny moment that they think they need it.to enhance their persona and story in order to bring the people and situations to make use of.

Junk and things and people all need to make them look good, normal. Junk and stuff and people only matter as much as they will bring them access to another person, or a reputation so they can get more. We lose a lot, but there are gains we can claim.

If Their Junk is In Your House, They’re In Your House

If their junk is in your house, then things aren’t quite over, yet… This might seem harmless enough… But it’s anything but harmless. Having their things in your home, your garage or attic or storage space means you’re still “in it”.

This means there’s a part of you that’s conscious of and affected by them and their belongings 24/7. They’re vibing in your space even if they’re gone and their junk is out of eyesight. To close to that feeling and effect when they were more deeply in your life.

There’s a part of you feeling responsible for their stuff, and so they’ve still got a grip on you… YUCK. What the heck is happening…? Leaving junk behind is sociopath normal. It’s not normal normal.

In A Normal Human Break Up…

When normal people have a breakup and move out: they take their stuff. You might accidentally leave a DVD or a CD or a pair of earrings or something in the back of a bathroom cabinet.

And so, you pick it up later – and done. That’s the end of it. Or maybe you say to your genuine ex: oh, yah, I forgot that, sorry, go ahead and toss it. Not the sociopath. When they go… be sure to toss their stuff out too. All of it. Make sure they leave nothing behind. Not one hairpin, not one matchbook. Why…? You can’t break truly free or restore your life with their merde in your space.

What’s going on…?! You might think you’re being nice by saving it so carefully. And you’re scared to throw it out. You think they’ll accuse you of stealing it if you toss it. And – drum roll: so you don’t go no contact. They don’t want any of it. That stuff keeps a hold on you. And that’s their point!

Thye Leave Stuff Everywhere: You Aren’t Special

That, and they just don’t care about that stuff. Did you know sociopaths leave things behind everywhere they hide out or nest…? Everywhere. Everyone’s home. In every prey’s condo, townhouse, villa or palace is a pile of junk they leave behind. No matter what it is, a Steinway, a Babolat tennis racquet – it’s junk to them.

I know it’s hard to imagine that their personal belongings aren’t personal. Remember: these are creatures without the ability to have a positive emotional attachment or care for: anything. All people, places, and things hold value for them only as far as that person, place, or thing’s immediate use and benefit to them.

They leave stuff behind not because they care about the stuff… They don’t care about the stuff but like to keep a grip on you. Really. Feel free to toss it.

Every Sociopath Is Alike

Here’s my tiny real-life example: The dirtbag I married left stuff: audio equipment, clothes, people’s business cards, a notebook, receipts from money wire transfers, his dinners, and outings. As he packed to leave he was careless, hasty, in a hurry, and sloppy. (Sound familiar?)

There was one item he was frantic about. Without his realizing I was watching him, I saw him clutch it, almost in a panic, and double-check that it was in his main suitcase three times. What was it? This fabulous item…? Was it diamonds or Krugerrands? Nope: It was a photo of his mother.

Socioapths Have a Kit of the Important Stuff

This photo of mom – this item – was also the first thing that showed me when he moved in, placing it on a shelf in my living room. Along with a story about how much he loved his mother and how sad he is that she has passed away. Which he repeated and embellished over the following months. All the stories about his mom were lies.

How do I know this?: Another of his women knew his mother. She told me the real story. This scumbucket used this photo of his mother as an empathy ploy, as bait to sound normal and amazing. That photo was part of his kit. He needed that photo to gain what he wanted. End of story.

I Get It: Here’s the thing: Did you know you can lie to a sociopath and they believe whatever you say? After you toss their stuff, if somehow they do reach you and say: “Where’s my old pack of bologna…? You can say, “What pack of bolgona? You didn’t leave anything here.” – Click. – Be sure you truly go full zero contact.

What to Do with the Junk a Sociopath Leaves at Our Place?

So, is their junk in your closet in the hallway? Two words: toss it. They already took the junk they wanted. You deserve freedom, joy, and every happiness. And a home without their junk. P.S. merde is French for “shit”. You can’t break truly free or restore your life with their merde in your space.

Option One: Let It Sit There and Make us Sad

As ridiculously painful as this is, it happens. We all know that, for heck’s sake. Hopefully, this isn’t our choice because of sentimental feelings tugging our heartstrings over the life-stealing scum-bucket. – Let the junk go.

These are things they left behind because they hold no meaning to the sociopath… and if it messes with us a little, so be it – they don’t mind that, and it’s a foot back in the door. Remove that wedge into our lives – toss the junk.

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Option Two: Save it Carefully for Them.

With our normal limbic brain, we feel obligated to take care of someone’s things if we find them in our possession. We don’t touch or take other people’s things in our normal world. And… we’re scared not to save it. What if they come back for it? Or try to sue us for it..?

What if the sun turns green… It’s never going to happen. Sociopaths are notorious for leaving things behind everywhere they roam. Get some really big heavy-duty garbage bags or old cardboard boxes ready. Let the junk go.

Option Three: Throw it Away Immediately.

It’s really okay to do this. – And it feels fantastic. Burn it. Dance around the flames. Drink champagne. Sing at the top of our lungs, “Free at last…”

Sociopaths Leave Things Behind: Dogs Marking Territory

Option Four: Donate It

We’re good people after all and one man’s junk… There are classic go-to’s for donating clothing, household goods, books, CD’s, DVD’s, even eyeglasses.

Goodwill: An old standard. Search online to find a local drop off location. They employ mentally challenged people, training them in retail skills and life skills. Search their site to find where to take this stuff, give it a fresh start, and renewed life as we do the same for ourselves.

Salvation Army: They make scheduled pick-ups of bulky items or larger amounts of goods. Otherwise, they have drop-off centers at their stores and kiosk locations. Salvation Army houses, counsels, and feeds the homeless and down and out. They shelter and feed kids who’ve aged out of the foster care system at 18 with nowhere to go.

1-800-Got-Junk: They pick up junk with a big truck, but we pay them for the service.

Sociopaths Feel No Emotional Nostalgia for Stuff or People

Option Five: Sell It

The things, none of that junk, is genuinely important to sociopaths. They have no nostalgia, sentimentality or emotional connection to anything or anyone beyond the moment. The one tiny moment that they think they need it in order to enhance their persona or story in order to bring them people and situations to make use of.

I’m a huge fan of this one!! A simultaneous target of the nutter who hijacked me made $600 bucks selling a boom mic and $1200 selling other audio equipment gifted by the manufacturer as a sponsor for an event he was planning (scamming), he shipped the gear to her in another country where he intended to run!

I myself had a gigantic party with 20 cases of Heineken sent to the event venue in Beverly Hills in a sponsorship agreement as well for his upcoming (not) comedy (not) production (it never happened, because the venue dropped him.)

How and Where Can We Sell This Junk…?

eBay – We’ve all heard of eBay. But… it’s so public and we might be more comfortable doing this on the down-low. We can make a new email that doesn’t reflect our name.

Create a user name that isn’t “us,” doesn’t hint at who we are, or how we’re feeling about the dirtbag. List the items with that email address. Dump the junk and line our pocket.

Craig’s List – Probably the easiest and one of the quickest ways to offload their (usually stolen in the first place, or coerced from another target) television, Aeron office chair, bicycle, or trumpet. We need to take decent photos of the thing, describe it, name a price, or go with “Best Offer.”

Your Privacy is Kept On Craigslist

In order to give or sell things on Craigslist, create an account on Craigslist, your name or contact will not be seen in listings, we can have inquiries by prospective buyers sent via the Craiglist server into our email inbox, then we reply to them from our own email address.

Consider making an email address that doesn’t reflect our name. Only give out a location, phone numbers in order for someone to pick up the thing they’re buying and to give us cash. – I’ve done this, it works. Follow your gut.

Give it Away On Craigslist

There’s also a “Free” stuff category on Craig’s List. Here in Los Angeles this is incredibly commonly used. You snap a photo, put stuff on the curb. Announce it on CL as a give-away free item and list an address a few houses down from yours. An intersection will do. Set it out in front of your place or that one a bit down the block. Whatever that is will be gone in 30 minutes.

ETSY: If It’s Vintage or Art or Handmade

ETSY – If you have a collection of say, old records, rare books, or supplies to build crafty things they might find a new home through ETSY. It’s a matter of setting up a “store,” making a bio and a banner and taking photos, and giving product descriptions… a lot of work.

I mention it here because it’s a great and refreshing resource of things to buy that are handmade, vintage, or supplies for jewelry or jam making. Look around… we might get some ideas for a new venture of our own!

A Great Place to Dump Their Junk.

Never Liked It Anyway – This is a super-smart trendy, current, hip site for selling your “exes” stuff! List items for sale and rake in the dough. Buy stuff, sell stuff, they have a fresh blog of breakup articles, and more. Make a profile, list the item, someone buys it, NeverLikedIt gets a small fee from the sale price and gives 10% of that to The American Heart Association.

They also ship the item to the buyer and send freshly minted freedom in dollars and cents straight to you. No risk of getting a payment for the buyer. Never Liked it Anyway – too bad we can’t sell the socio-freak off along with their trash to a life sentence in Hades. – By the way, Never Liked It is on IG: @neverlikedit

Where to Offload Bigger Things and House Hold Items

EBTH – The Premier Estate Sale Market Place – This is for those left with a LOT. Like some big things, maybe a house full of furniture you want to unload. Not sure which states they operate in. Investigate… There are surely similar companies in most cities.

Habitat for Humanity – A long-established and much-loved organization that makes a home a reality for many lower-income people, or survivors of natural and life disasters and tragedy.

Habitat stores sell donated goods, they also use donations for home construction and for their home renovation grant projects. Perfect if the nut-job left a toilet seat in the garage or a tool kit, or drill.

Give That Stuff New Life: Furnish Someone’s Home

Humble Designs – This incredible organization fills the new apartments of those coming out of shelters and homelessness with beds, bedding, kitchenware, tables, chairs, lamps, desks, night lights, art, and love. They make a haven for those who’ve survived violence or loss.

Get Them Out of Our Home: Out of Our Bones

Free ourselves of their scent, their aura, their junk, their grip… let every last piece fly out the door. Turn their trash into someone else’s treasure and a new beginning. Create value from their malevolence and absence of care for humanity. We’ve got enough love to go around!

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As a certified coach, upholding industry standards I strive to inform, educate, invite thought and dialogue, to co-plan, co-strategize, advise, consult, refer, recommend, train, teach, guide and coach people in guided recovery and discovery specific to these crimes, and from hell and broken in the aftermath to whole again, and more. You decide what winning is.