We lose things, money, cars, kids,
friends, time, innocence.
We lose our sense of place in the world.
Nothing is where we left it.
Nothing is what we thought it was.
Or is it maybe better…?
Loss is a normal part of the experience of living a life we think is real, then seeing enough to know it’s not what we thought it was. We feel loss discovering that it’s not as we’ve been perceiving and living it and that instead, it’s deception an illusion filled; that it’s something dark, and mean, and from a world we know nothing about is hard, hard, hard.
It takes our breath away. Stops our hearts and brings up last night’s dinner. Suddenly there’s a lump in our throats. Pooling tears blur our vision and separate us from wherever we’re standing. There’s nothing but numbness and pain as we fall from the waist and our bodies tilt to the floor.
We’re Knocked to the Floor When we Discover we’ve Been Living a Lie
Dispair rolls over us all day, for days and days as each new lying bit of our lives flutters through our minds. When will it end? When will we feel normal?
When will we be okay again? A scream of horror as the reality of the surreal madness we’ve been living could rise to awareness can rail it’s way from solar plexus to our neighbor’s living rooms and down the street to the donut shop if our lungs hadn’t collapsed at the smack of the punch to our being.
How would it feel to resolve the losses?
There is Much Loss Inside the Spiral Into Hell
We have more than a piece of soap to manage. But we do have the resolution in our own hands. And we aren’t alone. There are many of us here. People around us won’t understand. But then, they aren’t in our shoes.
The loss comes in two waves. Discovering the person we thought loved us and that we love is a liar. We see betrayal, cheating, abuse, stealing, using.
If we stay right here we’ll be hurt pretty much forever and stay very, very confused, sad, angry and vulnerable to the next sociopath.
The other wave of loss is seeing that something we thought was real isn’t. Wasn’t. Ever. This is where we need to be to really recover. This isn’t break up. It’s recovery from the trauma of a crime of deception, defrauding, and worse.
These Are Crimes of Fraud Rather Than Betrayal
How do we get from betrayal by someone we loved, who we thought loved us to recovering from an impersonal crime? Carefully. Deliberately. And with time. And patience for ourselves, and huge love for ourselves.
And learning how to look at it from their twisted minds in a very specific way. They made this, we didn’t. Seeing it from their eyes knocks the love right out of our hearts and shifts us to recover from the crimes. This also takes us off their radar. This is the magic.
Unwind the loss, the pain, and the questions.
We Decide What Winning Is
This sickening reality that there are people who walk among us who only use and ruin other people isn’t what we want to hear or know. It isn’t cold to say, find a way to accept it. The thing is, since their existence is a reality, we’re able to live more freely than ever when we understand it.
There’s discoveries and vantage points which can bring a way to resolve the loss that sits inside our bodies. You can find the way back to yourselves. Make this your daily determination and allow it to take the time it takes while actively seeking the real answers.
As gorgeous humans we’re resilient, we’re flexible, we have emotional intelligence. There are unfathomable springs of courage, and pools, even oceans of untapped wisdom. Seek the ways to take back your life. Settle for no answer that houses pain or loss.
Here’s to REAL True Love and Happiness!
Time to Thrive!
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As I’m in the stages of playing back the entire year of my “relationship” with this monster, I realized I was never even truly in love myself with him. I was in love with all of the false promises he gave me from the start and made it seem like he was going to give me all of the things I was lacking in my previous, real relationships. In the beginning, he made it seem like we were better than what you see in all the romance movies. But then month by month, his true colors came over after each letdown from his false promises. He would constantly say “you don’t even love me” and as time passed I started to think maybe he’s right and now I see that even if he was just trying to mess with my head by saying that, he was 100% right.
That’s right. Most of us – I venture to say all of us – are not really in love, or love the monsters who invade our lives. The signals of excitement, the feeling that this is the dream come true, that it’s better than anything in the movies is a place we all feel. The thing i, there’s nothing under it as you discovered. In normal relationships things can start on a “promise” and the promise plays out as real as things deepen. In this the chaos, excitement of creating the “promises” lead us, for a while to miss the internal primal signals of “dread”, “alarm”, “fear” and run” but as you well know…. none of us can recognize them for what they are initially because we didn’t know monsters existed. We’ve never needed this primal alert system upon meeting a new person who looks like “love”.
Thank you for this, Jennifer.
I have thought many times, ‘What am I supposed to do with all this love? With all this anger? With all this hurt? With all this despair? etc.’
There isn’t much advice out there beyond recognizing what has happened to you and going no contact.
After you do that, what do you do with all of those overwhelming unexpressed feelings and emotions?
I was so glad to read this article. Thanks again fpr the help.
Tracy, Yep. This is likely the hardest thing any of us will do in our lifetime. We truly reduce so much of the trauma by understanding how impersonal these hijackings are – they’re criminals who leverage normal humans goodness for their own gain. When we can view the events from the way they think there’s much less hurt, real anger and real loss. The love goes away as we view things from what their real intention was. We have to find a way to resolve each loss for what it is and not attribute every loss directly to the sociopath.